My Friend with Borderline Personality Disorder

how do you feel? nervous why I don't know nervous I'm never in front of the camera or usually so I think that's why are you ready if you had to describe borderline personality disorder to somebody who has no clue what it is what would you say kind of like you're a passenger in a car and some days the person driving or driving just fine like everything's good you can tell them to go a certain way they'll go that way and then all of a sudden something happens and they are speeding they're breaking the law they're causing chaos everywhere they go with and you know they shouldn't be doing that and no matter how hard you try to tell them to stop it just stop welcome to SBS K join me as I travel around the world an interview individuals living with a condition to prove no matter how you communicate but what obstacles you face you're always deserving of love and acceptance so without hesitation let's meet today's friend when somebody sees you on that camera what do you hope they see I hope they see a person who might be a little nervous but is definitely overall outgoing and you know friendly and inviting I hope they see just a person you know like any person I hope they just don't see big like BPD letters on my face now that they know I have it or horns popping out of my head because that's what they've always been told to believe and I just I hope they just see a person who's struggling who just needs some extra help from time to time you never know what's gonna set you off you never know what's gonna be a trigger that day and then it's you're reacting and that's it's really hard it's really exhausting to you know live in extreme constantly almost 24/7 first symptom when you look up BPD is is trying to avoid real or imagined abandonment and so when we feel we're being abandoned or when we actually are abandoned we do anything we can to get them to stay and that some of that stuff might be manipulative it help the situation it might make it worse but we're just trying our hardest to get our worst fear not to happen and we oftentimes do whatever we can that we think will work or that has worked in the past to get that to happen it's not that we're manipulating people to get you know money or a free car or something we just are so afraid of people leaving us that when it does happen if we do everything you have to stop it did people be afraid of you know don't think they should know why do you think some people are when they hear the diagnosis BPD I think because there's such a misconception such a stereotype about people with BPD they just over classes very abusive people very manipulative people and it's not that we are manipulative it's not that we're few civ it's just that we experience emotions so strongly it's like imagining the worst anger and the most upset you've ever been and whenever we can anger you're upset it's the most we've ever felt and so we act accordingly the only way we know how and sometimes that does cause us to do what a lot of people would say is abusive behavior but I don't think it's anything intentional it's just the only way we can get the emotions out to be honest in my experience I would rather never love and you guys here have anybody love me then be abandoned um abandonment hurt so much it's probably the worst feeling ever in the world I'm leases all of those core values that we have that okay we're no good we're unlovable on nobody could love us worthless and it's not fun to feel those emotions so definitely would rather never have to feel those emotions then always be on edge that I'm going to feel them and somebody's going to leave me when I love I love hard they're like the best person in the world like you could never love anybody as much as them they're wonderful they're amazing and then you know when that perfect person leaves you you're like whoa Wow I do feel worthless I do feel horrible like I am all these things if he loved me if he wanted to be with me if he didn't think I was worthless he would stay and that's definitely what triggers all those negative core values and just makes me off the charts you have the screen right there where you can see yourself when you look at yourself what do you think answer that honestly I think I am ugly and washed out and tired looking if I was answering that right now if I had to tell you how I felt about myself right now looking at myself that's how I feel what would be the appropriate way for me to respond to that there's no real I I would say to compliment me but then you know I feel like people watching this video say she's manipulating a compliment and I'm like no but then if you're like I know why I'd feel ugly too but like what do you mean by that so there's no real way to respond to that right now you're aware that there's a stigma attached the BPD that people with that are manipulative so you're scared that everything you're gonna do is perceived as manipulation exactly do you understand why others may see your actions as manipulative or abusive I definitely can see why they would see that I try to explain it's not it's just that when I am experiencing that emotion the only things I know how to do to get that emotion to go away or to act out and I'm not intentionally trying to hurt the people in my life I'm not intentionally trying to get my way it's nothing intentional it's just that I'm doing anything I can do to make myself feel better in the moment because I'm experiencing 100 of that emotion at what point do you realize that maybe or do you even ever realize that maybe you were being a bit too extreme I always realize when I'm being too extremely 100 percent of the time I even when I'm acting that way I understand that I'm being extreme I am hurting people I am hurting myself and it's just I just feel like there's nothing I can really do to stop it until I come down from being at a 100 level to whatever level I'm able to calmly access my coping skills and reassess the damage and try and fix it from there my most harmful behaviors are definitely hurting myself I have hurt myself a lot I pull hair I choke myself I've hit myself I Drive very recklessly which I would say is kind of a form of self harm because you know you're not really caring if you're driving to a while at the point I've cut myself scratched myself I've bent my fingers bruised myself pinched myself so those are definitely some of my most harmful behaviors what's it like for you if somebody says whoa just chill out a setting because I wish I could chill out but I can't there's probably nothing more in the world I wish them to chill out when I'm upset so telling me to chill out doesn't help it just will make me more emotional when you're having that self harming behavior what's going through your mind I hate myself I want this pain to go away I don't know if anybody else with BPD experiences this but for me when I'm feeling those negative emotions so extremely it feels like it's like on my skin like I feel like if I just you know if I hurt myself or if I like rip my skin open and it's it'll go away like it'll release that negative emotion when somebody gets to know you what will they say I mean they'll see my bad side they'll see my negative emotions but they'll also see that I'm I'm fun I like to go out let's have fun I'm outgoing I talk to pretty much anybody anytime about anything I always happened about I'm always you know ready to go out and do something so those definitely see that side I loving I'm definitely I would do anything for anybody anytime in the day so they'd see that but they'd also see the negative stuff too for somebody who sees you at your most vulnerable what would you want them to know I don't want to be right now i-it's nothing intentional I just you know I just need that helping hand that I never had growing up I just need somebody there that's like okay well let's help you let's help you figure out how we can figure how we can cope with this situation let's help you figure out how we can get you from being this vulnerable to a little less even if it's just a tiny little amount let's try and figure out how to help you for those times when you're not in control what should I do I try try to ground me I would say a validation it's just the number one thing be a human being just you know love people like be kind to them validate their emotions rather than shutting emotions down and telling people what they feel is wrong because nobody and nothing you ever feel is wrong like no emotion is wrong you feel that way for a reason and it's important to understand that reason and try to help the person cope with how they feel with that reason what is the difference between validating your emotions and feeding into your behavior the difference I mean you can tell me this it's I I really don't know how to answer that cuz to me it's just so simple you can tell me like hey this behavior is unacceptable you can totally understand why you want to act that way why you feel that way I totally understand you know why you'd be upset I would feel upset too I know why you feel this way however hurting yourself is not okay I know you want to I know it makes you feel better but it's just not how you're gonna cope let's figure out another way I hope you best thing to do is really just to validate no matter how out of control and be like oh yeah I totally would want to go jump off a bridge right now at two if I felt that way and that majority of the time is able to make me go okay like what I'm feeling is real what I'm feeling is valid other people have felt this way I think I'm going okay and it starts to bring me down from like a 100 to 90 so I'm at least now out of 100 anymore about 90 so it's easier for me to access my coping skills when I get there do you fear the reaction others will have when you share your diagnosed with BPD 100% I'm always always afraid to tell people I would say the most typical thing is definitely the stigma against it because um even health care professionals discriminate against us I guess would be the best word to use I have had doctors that refused to see me because they found out I was diagnosed with it I've had doctors refused to do a health examinations on me because they know I was diagnosed with it I've had a psychiatrist hang up on me before because I tried to make an appointment and he asked what for and I said my therapist diagnosed me with this and he hung up on me and said he's not taking appointments so I would honestly say that that is definitely the most difficult aspect because people are immediately afraid of you so a lot of the time they don't want to be friends with you or don't want to be in your life or a job doesn't want to hire you so definitely the stigma against it's most difficult thing about being diagnosed with it I get kind of scared when I tell people because I know usually people's reaction to that is oh let me stay away like run as far as you can this isn't a healthy person to be around I really hope that they're more understanding they want to ask questions or they are proud of me of how far I've come that kind of thing are you the person you are at your best moment at your worst moment or are you someone in the middle I would say I am the person I am at my best moment what I am doing really well in life when there aren't many you know things going on when I'm happy when I'm mellow when I'm content I would definitely say that that's the person who I am I'm borderline I that does not mean I'm abusive or scary or mean or able to be around it just means that I just need a little helping hand in managing my emotions and walking through life and that doesn't mean that I'm a horrible person it just means I need you to be a little more patient with me right now do you truly believe you're deserving of love yes I've been donors and I can say that right now is because I'm been in a good place these past few days so definitely I definitely feel that way however if you ask me in a week that might be a different story but as of right now I do I feel that I'm worthy of love if you let everybody's worthy of love and having somebody to love them thanks for watching SBS K we believe the world is a better place when everyone takes the time to understand one another if you want to be part of the community of people who believe that click the big yellow SBS K button to subscribe thank you and see you next time

Channel: Special Books by Special Kids

Views: 1,758,992

Keywords: Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD, Mental Health, Chris Ulmer, Special Books by Special Kids, Therapy, SBSK, Special Education, Inclusion, Disability

Id: xOnNk-8gSe8

Length: 14min 5sec (845 seconds)

Published: Mon Dec 03 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/Waterproof_soap]

I wish I could share this with everyone who has ever been cruel to me (or any of us) about my diagnosis. This woman is incredibly brave. I could never, ever do this.

[u/grapefuitlover]

💕

[u/kshattuck1988]

💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

[u/hueglabyrd234]

This was incredible, thank you so much for sharing

[u/[deleted]]

You are amazing. Amazing you can get up and explain that because my emotions would be everywhere in that interview. Can share this with people who don't understand me or understand why I am being so extreme. 💕💕💕