Motivate Family Webinar - Session 4 - Intimacy

[Music] good evening everybody hello hello hello thank you for joining us for another live family welcome wednesday webinar and this is session number four my name is edric and this is joy hi everybody welcome yeah so this is session number four and we hope you've been catching us through all the series let me just take you through some announcements before we get started it's so exciting uh we have so many guests and so many things you want to unpack with them so let's get to it a few announcements even as we go through this webinar we remember we have an overflow platform you can join us through christ commission fellowship youtube if you're not already there that's youtube.com backslash ccf main tv now for all the youtube viewers if you want to be part of a family or a small group you know where you can learn and be with others please register through the link on the description box so that you might actually be part of this zoom call now for all the zoom participants the unique privilege you have is you can ask questions using the q a button i'll say that again using the q and a button please ask your questions there and not on the chat box so that we can see it and if you see a question you like please vote by liking the question so it goes up and then we will see that and say okay this is a pressing question which you want to ask our panelists so my lovely wife here will help sort the questions and i have the distinct privilege of starting us off with a prayer as we start let's bar heads and pray father we thank you for this time to um motivate many families and encourage them we pray that we're able to get some good questions from the viewers that can be answered by our amazing panelists we pray that should be present through all the conversations we pray that you would uphold the technology not just of our team the amazing team that is supporting this but from for everybody that's watching this all over the world so that once again we will all leave change somehow by the words uh that you've given us to your scripture that have been applied by the families and the panelists here in jesus name we pray amen amen and amen all right so before we start introducing our amazing panelists and get started we want you to watch this quick inspiring video because i want you to say this if you're watching with your family no perfect families allowed we're all works in progress we want you to see the story of this amazing family very quickly hopefully encourage you as we get started with this topic watch this video when my kids were growing up i was really so busy with work usually my available time for them was either in the evenings during weekdays and on weekends so in my desire to maximize time with them during weekends i made it a point to bring them with me the only problem was i did so many errands during weekends usually i would buy things needed for the house and then i would usually go to the banks because that's the only time i can do banking transactions so over time my kids were really bored going with me because i would tell them spend time with daddy and i told them we would go and do things that they enjoy doing but unfortunately my to-do list was very long and most of the time by the time we finished it was also time to go home and this went on for quite some time so much so that the running joke among them was don't ever go with daddy because if you go with that you'll just waste your time and you will just keep on waiting waiting for him to finish doing his errands and i was not very sensitive at the time and it really came to a point that they didn't want to go with me at all they would cry because they begged me dad please don't bring me with you looking back how i wished i would have learned to be sensitive to really do things that they enjoyed doing but once i realized this then i really wanted to do things that they wanted to do so for example when we go on family trips i enjoy going to museums because i want to learn from history and when i say children i want to go to the museum they would all together say boring so when i've learned that i decided i will only do things that they like especially during vacation so today that they've grown during family trips they set the agenda they said everything that they want to do and we just go with them as parents also one of the things that has helped me was during their birthdays on the day itself i made it a point to really spend birthday lunch with them i would pick them up from school or when they were working already i would go near their office and we would have lunch together and judging from our conversations today that's something that they really look forward to this daddy spending lunch on their birthday with them time flies i realize i can never go back to the old days i can never go back to when they were young but there's still time to recover today during this covet pandemic the whole family is together and we're just enjoying our time yesterday was my daughter's birthday and i said you know where do you want to have lunch my offer is still on and she tells me that it's pandemic let's just stay at home but they know daddy wants to spend time with them thank you pastor pat wonderful again all families you know even pastors like our dear pastor pat from cebu pat melikor we also work in progress and pastor pat if you're listening to this right now when it's my birthday please you can spend time and give us lunch also so thank you again to everyone that's joining us we want to now introduce our amazing guest and my wife has a privilege to introducing our people here they are yeah so i'm going to call them by pastor peter and um sister dionne and monsieur first but they really are my parents but it's a privilege to introduce them and you know um pastor dr peter tanchi is the founder of pastor christ commission fellowship and he and his wife diana are the authors of the motivate book book and have been married for 48 years now with five children oh 47. we keep seven we're adding a year in chinese counting 40 48 and uh 22 grandchildren with another on the way anytime soon you know mom and dad because you are mom and dad to me and i think when we think of the word intimacy a lot of times the conception of people is probably that this is something that you know it's just in the context of marriage so maybe you can just explain this a little bit what is that law of intimacy that relates to families and give us a little bit of a recap on the most important points when it comes to intimacy okay so your dad is pointing at me to begin so the principle of intimacy is that the greater the intimacy the greater the influence this is the fourth week and this is the fourth letter on the acronym motivate m which was modeling if you want to influence people for lasting impact mu model christ likeness oh you have open communication tea you spend time and i love what pastor pat said doing things that they really enjoy and then today intimacy and the reality is that biological uh biological relationship does not guarantee intimacy what is intimacy well it's uh when in a relationship that you feel close you can be vulnerable you can really bear your heart and it's the principle that of being fully known fully known and yet fully loved to me that is a beautiful description of intimacy and peter will explain some more yeah the the principle is the closer you are the greater is your influence it is a universal principle closer you are greater influence and relationship is fragile just because they're your children just because you used to be close does not mean you'll continue being close because relationships i always say is fragile wrong words wrong reaction temper shouting the truth is none of us are perfect and that's why i like to bring up the reality of how do you restore relationship for intimacy to happen you have to keep learning how to restore relationship why no one is perfect no parents are perfect no children are perfect sooner or later you get disappointed you get hurt with one another by what you say by what you don't say by what you do by what you don't do all kinds of expectations so how do you restore relationship just remember the attitude should be it is incumbent upon us to take the initiative you don't have to wait for your parents and parents you don't wait for your children the idea is based on matthew chapter 5 jesus tells us he expects us to fix relationship remember when you're about to worship god and there you remember your brother as something against you what did jesus say stop go back restore relationship before you offer the sacrifice so how do you do it i always remind people the attitude of humility you take the initiative ask the three most important questions question number one how can i improve just listen because you give them a chance to speak up next how have i hurt you just today my son came to me as my wife and i were exercising and he asked me dad have i hurt you how have i hurt you recently so this kind of questions is something that you need to learn to listen and then when you listen just listen don't defend don't explain and then after listening you ask the third question will you please forgive me and you mean it because from their perspective you have hurt them it is not a question of who is right who is wrong they have been hurt so you ask for forgiveness for the hurt if you want to explain this wait for a couple of days don't do it at the same time so restoring relationship is key foundational to intimacy you will need it all the time i make mistakes all the time so i have to keep asking my children how can i improve how have i hurt you will you forgive me and the most amazing thing is restore relationship becomes even more intimate it's beautiful dad i want to guess which son that was i let me guess he's on this call and he's smiling i see him in the panel there and i want to ask also how have i hurt you but let's do that offline in the meantime we'll carry on we have a very exciting next set of panelists you know we're going to unpack i feel like the seminar is so complete already but we have so many more uh panelists we're going to unpack and learn from in the meantime we want to say hi to everyone who's joining us we see people like nikki mendoza who i think i know marivic pila if you are able to join this webinar and you've been in at least three or more please chat us up and say me raise your hand whether you're here on youtube we want to see who's been following and watching these webinars all along so while you do that let's introduce the next panelist this is going to be a wonderful very precious panelist we have here very unique right this is uh our panelist bettina is a follower just for almost 10 years now his best friends dig this best friends with their nine-year-old daughter how sweet gummy they exercise you can basically share almost anything [Music] so the author of heartbreak breakthroughs a book indeed helpful for the hurley and the solo parents so if their solo parents here look this up she has a home base making business turned cafe called sea kitchenery and bettina considers the lord her daughter's father her partner and provider eater and guess what i have her permission to share this i want to say it she's engaged she's engaged right before we went on she got engaged so bettina and gummy always congratulations to your family thank you and we asked permission permission we asked permission right bettina thumbs up he said congrats today we were all still like late startup and she got proposed so we want to ask um some questions to you guys as you get started um for you both i think part of the question is um tell us about some precious moments you've had uh as a solo parent in trying to build relationships with uh gummy i think you know um i'm very privileged to be in this kind of unique family because i'm always with her and i know that the way for you to build intimacy with someone for you to actually be close to someone is to really spend time with them and gummi's love language is time quality time i used to think it's quantity time apparently it has to be very intentionally done so yes although we do a lot of things together i bring her along with me um to run my errands like pastor pat but eventually i also realized that it's not the frequency it's not frequency equals intimacy it's really intentionality so it's actually the simplest of moments it's when we just step out and go to like 7-eleven to eat ice cream we just sit down and and when i do things with her that she likes that's also one thing that i learned you know it's not bringing them to my to my world or my schedule but it's actually me being in her world and letting her express herself and be in her element and that's when she actually opens up when she feels most comfortable and so my best moments with her are the ones where we just are together and we just talk you you know thanks for sharing that i think a lot of people maybe sometimes have this misconception that when you're a solo parent when you're a single parent it's so hard to really pursue a relationship with your child because you have to juggle so many things what do you think has been the secret for you to balance all that and still have such a close relationship with your daughter um it's been a journey getting to this point but what has really helped me is to always catch myself and remember what is more important because especially since my business is home-based everything's within reach i mean we have that privilege that i can work flexi time and she's doing distance learning now and we homeschooled for a time also she's just always within reach but it's really knowing that okay even if i have so much to do and she asks for me at that moment and if what i'm doing can be paused and if it can wait i have had this rule let what can wait wait because my child needs me i know my child will not want me for so long because she's getting older so i'd like to savor the moment when she would ask five minutes of my time or spend her five minute break with me to tell me something whatever that may be that's very precious for me okay dummy can i ask you a question really quickly what is your favorite thing to do with your mom um play and eating because i love eating baby what do you love eating gummy yeah we love trying new new places to eat when the malls were still open so now we just drive through that's our date we drive through and then we just park and we just eat in the car and watch dvd and that's already a date for us okay we're gonna have more questions for you young lady okay get ready we're gonna ask you questions in the meantime let's go to our next panelist we're gonna invite uh onto the screen here paul is a businessman in the air real estate he and jenny have been married for almost 18 years with four children caleb you'll see him on the screen here 15 alana 13 ethan 11 and young andrew i think he's somewhere there going around maybe he'll join us in a little bit six years old they're most blessed to have jesus in their lives and grateful for the grace he has extended to each of them their family core values are to love god love others be joyful and to be excellent for the glory of god my kids also love hanging out with them and competing so let's ask questions to the kids uh you guys first caleb alan and ethan since you're on the call what are the things you like doing that your mom and dad also like doing with you guys alana you can start well i think i really enjoy playing volleyball with my dad and my dad also really enjoys that and with my mom i really um enjoy shopping with her because we really both enjoy that and walking with her especially in this pandemic we've been walking a lot together or going on bike rides right what do you like to shop for clothes you are clearly growing up such a young lady my goodness time flies ethan what about you buddy um me and my dad enjoy playing basketball like we play basketball with my brother and my driver and i enjoy play i enjoy walking and biking with my mom awesome who usually wins when you play your brother uh we me and my brother our team and we play against my dad and my younger brother so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose yeah i think i've seen those moments how about you caleb what are the things that you like doing that they like doing with you i enjoy playing basketball for my dad and sometimes playing video games with him and my mom i like to i like when she takes me out to eat especially hobing restaurant that might be a little bit different now because are you able to still do that even in the pandemic i know it's okay because i know danny and jenny cooks amazing food so i'm sure they eat a lot still yeah so paul and jenny please share to us how did you start engaging your kids this way was it always like that from the start for you guys well um for jenny and i it wasn't always like that right i mean we've been married for almost 18 years but i would say it took us the first 10 years to really understand each other better and i'm such a bad communicator when it comes to being at home because i'm so tired and i don't want to talk and jenny doesn't talk much also so we actually didn't um didn't really have a super i guess open communication like as we were discussing in the other uh other other weeks and as you know open communication is a key and critical ingredient to intimacy so we've actually had to work on that but by god's grace it's really been really been good since we've been applying those principles of just uh listening for me taking time to listen to jenny and not trying to mold her into the into the woman that i believe god called her to be i let the holy spirit do that and it's been much better because he's more effective than i am so that's that's with us and i think it's hard to develop intimacy with your kids too if you're not you're not intimate with with your spouse or with other people in your life so with the kids i can totally relate with pastor pat i love bringing them on errands and i just so convicted i actually i could i could leave the webinar right now and i've learned a lot already because i realize what works for them is um entering into their world and that's kind of what like dad and mom did with us when we were younger i just don't know why i don't i don't really connect the dots sometimes it's like i want them to run with me for example but not all of them like to run right um but if i walk with them or go biking then they they open up and they enjoy that um or i enjoy golf now something that i was brainwashed to do by dad but but you know if i brought my kids golfing with me they wouldn't enjoy that so they enjoy basketball so i think a critical to to those who have young kids is to enter their world find out what they like and um do the things that they enjoy so that's been critical for for at least for me how about for you babe yeah i think you know it definitely has changed over the years i think you know when they're little louder sorry um i think for my kids i think definitely when they were little um in some ways it was easier just because you know you would tote them around and it was easy to play with them and swim with them and i think you know as they get older and they start to have their own world i found that it's been a little bit more challenging and i've had to be really intentional and so actually in a sense this epidemic has really been a blessing because it's really forced me to uh really carve out time to spend with my kids and so like example like with alana one of the things she loves is is social media and she really wanted to get tick-tock and we haven't allowed her to have an account so i said okay i'll open an account and we can do it together so i'm not really a dancer i don't like posting she's good but that's something that we started doing together and we would just laugh and you know it was a great bonding experience for us but i'm definitely learning in this area i have not mastered it by any means but um that's just some of the things that we've been doing right and she doesn't have a tick tock account anymore okay i mean you know it was it was uh there when when they when jenny wanted to spend time with her but um we try to be careful also with what we let our kids be exposed to because there's a lot of stuff out there you gotta watch out for good thing you clarified that joy honey yeah you know because there's a question here from the audience and the question is you know how do you initiate intimacy in a dysfunctional home where there's no open communication and you know paul i know that you guys don't necessarily i mean you don't have a dysfunctional home but remember the time when you even had to keep a notebook of your feelings just to be able to learn to express yourself better because you had a hard time communicating with jenny it didn't come natural to you to um to open up and share what's going on in your life so how did you have to grow in that way and please share about that notebook because that's so hilarious please oh no because um one of the things that jenny um jenny expressed to me is like do you do you feel anything do you ever do you ever like you know have emotions because i'm pretty flat you know i i'm excited um and so i started thinking okay what what are what are some emotions that i that i feel and i would just write down okay i i felt this when i talked to this person or when this happened at work i felt this and i i went home and started telling jenny oh you know i i feel this i feel that and how did you feel well he would take out the notebook first it's a little weird and then he would start reading through all the different things that he had felt throughout the day and you know that went on for a little bit but then after a while i was like this is weird hun this is not you you know yeah but yeah but that said okay so to answer your question and those who come from dysfunctional homes um i want to encourage you guys that you know at one point in your life maybe maybe at one point in your life you you were interested in somebody right you you courted somebody or you wanted somebody to to like you i think if you remember what you were like during that time you're like a detective you're able to find out what that person actually liked and i i believe we're created in god's image god created us for intimacy it's something that we all long for and he put that desire in your heart because you were made for that and in christ no matter what kind of dysfunction you come from you have a spirit in you he's given you a mind he's giving you creativity be a detective find out what your dysfunctional family member likes and enter into their world because god has given you everything you need to do that he made you for that so that's what i would say to to that question yeah i would totally echo what paul says and you know even though i don't come from a dysfunctional family there's been people in my life that have been difficult and i've kind of seen it as a mission right a mission to try and you know kill them with kindness or find out what they really like or or just reach out to them because i realize that a lot of times people are hurting and they just need someone to come alongside them and really help them and i've seen how by an individual just reaching out in love and just even messaging them just even asking them hey how can i pray for you hey i'm thinking about you it means a lot to a person and for me just being able to experience a smile on someone's face that maybe isn't a very joyful person is so fulfilling amen amen thank you guys and if you thought that um that's all we had we have another final panelist set who is also part of this uh wonderful lineup tonight and they have adult kids who have kids so let's hear from them they don't look like lolo and lola pastor eddie is a businessman third pastor he and annabelle have been married for 36 years with three adult children who you'll see on the screen also now in their 30s twin girls who are both married so ade is married to mitch the kenya and leo in the middle is married to mon batomba a friend of ours and then their son young man jose is still single if you are all here single ladies please chat us up on the side just saying he's also serving god leading the singles ministry in bulacan and their family story is a testimony that god's love and grace encompasses all mistakes made in the past and he makes everything beautiful in his time everything beautiful in his time so speaking of mistakes we have a question for you both first um part of your story is that you had a rocky marriage and family life in the first 10 years right what changed well um where do we go and good thing is the good thing is uh someone invited us to a couple's retreat and uh from there uh we got to meet the lord and we surrender our lives to jesus we have a rocky marriage we don't know all these things we don't know the designer of marriage and the designer of the family and from then on that's the turning point actually after the couple's retreat we gather at children they're very young then around 12 years old 10 to 12 years old because we're sorry we most of the time we fight in front of them but this time we have a new direction so we gathered them we asked for forgiveness and we asked their help actually can you help us all of you can you help us towards in this direction and my our ultimate goal is to introduce jesus to them at the very young age at 10 and 12. that's the turning point wow and how exactly did they help pastor ed you said you engaged them which is not common right you asked them to help you so how did they become part of the solution well i have learned that i am the spiritual leader so i i gathered them we go to worship service every sunday at 7 30 in the morning coming from bulacan we go to saint francis and somebody go i need your cooperation so they they come with us and they they go to the sunday school and after that uh we go on a date as a family we talk together uh together we eat lunch and then we do our groceries and then we go home uh from uh mega mall to bulacan so they're very cooperative actually what about you tita annabelle you know thanks for sharing that pastor eddie i think it's really encouraging because you know the fact that your your kids are here now even on this panel and willing to share about your journey as a family i think we'll encourage so many people but annabelle from your perspective um what what were the things that really changed to to draw your family closer together yeah as as ed have said uh our turning point is uh really the couple's retreat so we brought jesus home and uh we told them that what this family need really is jesus and so that's uh that's our baseline we need to tell them about jesus and so uh for us to do that we need to also confess and ask forgiveness for the things there's so many hurtful things that we have done like uh always arguing and fighting in front of them even asking them to choose uh who they would go with is it with me or their dad and so uh um it's so painful for them and so we ask forgiveness for all those things actually i'd like to add something what change really is we stop fighting is fighting they have seen how we ask for forgiveness uh the things that have hurt each other and there is harmony suddenly and they feel the presence of god with that journey it's not really easy but i did ask their help now if we will commit mistakes and we will hurt them once more gracious they'll be gracious to us and remind us so that's how they come with us wonderful you know i see how even as my dad opened up earlier with the idea of restoration right what i'm hearing is your jesus home first you need to be restored first in that sense so that all the other things can follow i'm going to ask the kids now and what i'm tempted to ask you is who did you side with when they were fighting i'm not going to ask you that guys just kidding i don't want to ask you there's a question from one of the top um asked questions here i think would be very relevant for you guys how can we become intimate with our parents if we are all grown up we didn't used to do it when we were younger so maybe that's a good way to start off since you're all in your 30s and as your parents have honestly shared it was not so intimate in your younger years so how could you do that how do you develop intimacy with parents and strengthen your relationships now as grown-ups what do you guys do maybe we can start with jose first um i know um [Music] you um you can be intentional as well in getting to know them and [Music] for me um it's the same actually uh what i do is um i join my mom when she's cooking so it's not really you won't start with um intense or deep conversations immediately but you start with small activities together and then that's where you develop the um the comfort and relaxed atmosphere where you can talk already so that's how mom and i started when we started going together and then my dad when we play tennis together as well for me i think what makes an impact to parents is i know um acts of service um doing what they need to do for example um doing their errands for them paying their bills for them doing their groceries for them you could start with that so that they would feel how much you love them and how much you want to spend time with them you know i think that's a really important point because what you're basically saying is that when you honor your parents right as children when you show them that respect and when you defer to them i think it it encourages them also and it inspires them to also want to have a close relationship with you so it actually goes both ways because i think a lot of people the assumption is our parents should pursue us and they should be the one to initiate but we can do that as children as well so thanks for sharing that guys now let's go to bettina because there's a question here about being a single mom and emily kataba was saying that you know it's really a huge responsibility and challenge to bring up my kids to be disciplined and independently responsible so bettina how do you develop a close relationship with gumby while still you know instituting discipline and being authoritative because there is no father figure but without ruining the relationship like how do you balance that you're on mute you're on me it sounded good so you want to hear it sounded juicy thank you yeah i think what helped me manage um not having another partner to another parent to consult and how to discipline my child is to follow what the bible says in in relating to others especially my child the bible says the heart is the wellspring of life everything we do flow from it right and out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks so i've learned to i've learned to train myself to listen and to look at my child's heart and to really get to know her heart like when when she says something i try to understand where it's coming from so i choose to look at her heart and that way i understand more where she's coming from more than what she's saying just so that i won't be focusing on the behavior so much of course if you're a single parent you have so many concerns um you have work you have to take care of the house and all and you have a child that you're racing and it's also journeying and also getting to know herself um she feels things or emotions that she cannot make sense of and you have to be there also for her you have to make all these process so what's helped is um following what the bible says really and um being in a spiritual family being grounded in a church because this is really the reason why i was seeking the lord nine years ago i how to be a parent what do i teach my child and i was really led to to a church to really the word to really start there and so it's really the heart because you can't you can't have rules and not have a relationship it will just lead to rebellion you can't tell your child do this do that but if the child doesn't understand why and understand your heart why you want him or her to obey or do this then they can't really dela delight in obeying you but when they do understand that it's automatic i i will do this because this is what's right and because this is what mommy says and this is what is pleasing to the lord so it's really the heart you focus on the heart [Music] tommy do you always obey mommy no what happens when you don't obey mommy what do you tell her how do you try and get back together with mom he gets firm and then he sometimes we cry but then we but then we pray my voice gets firm and then we fight but then we pray why [Music] says hi to you also so thank you so much nami for sharing that we have a question for mom and dad yeah i think it's because bettina brought up an important point that you can't have rules without relationship right because it's not going to work and mom and dad or even paul and jay there's a question here which i think is so important you know how do you win the heart of your child how do you know when your child has really fallen in love with you as a parent what are the signs um i think that one of the things that we implemented in our family is we know that our children really are not our children but they belong to the lord and that we are there to steward them to raise them up to love and serve him and that all has to be done in the context of respect i think that when you respect a person then they feel valued and it draws you to them uh it draws them to you i think that creates intimacy but if we yell at them it alienates them so uh the heart of a child is really not that hard to win when they really see that you are loving them and respecting them and really mean what's best for them and you don't violate them through your words or through your temper i think that's part of it but i wanted to say one thing i think that you cannot be intimate with anybody your husband your children even your disciples or your friends until you're first intimate with god because intimacy begins with god and when god fills your heart and his holy spirit is controlling you then you will be the type of person that they want to be with they want to be with a person that's loving and caring and patient and kind so that's how intimacy becomes begins is with first intimacy with god than with others i think this is a very important principle that i can share with our parents love begets love meaning if you love your children and they really know you love them let me give example some parents ask their children to behave not for the sake of children they want to look good you want your children to act in a certain way because you want to look good and children can sense that a mile away it's all about you children will eventually react when they are still young they may not know but they reach a certain age i call this the critical years from teenage upward they are very sensitive so you got to convince them you really love them for their sake you don't love them for your own sins i always warn pastors don't ever say you must behave because i am a pastor i i don't know if you recall joy we never used that you didn't even know i was a pastor because our love for you our discipline for you has nothing to do with our position but you all know it's for your good so once you convince somebody you really care you really love them they'll respond and how do you know look at their actions look at the words yeah i think you know i wanted to make it more personal and i think since you brought it up dad you know when i was struggling with certain decisions that i was making in college even when it came to dating and things like that i remember that the things that you would say to me and and and how you would coach me or mama that how you walk alongside me you know i i trusted it because we had a good relationship and i was even willing to open up to you about my struggles the things that i was doing that were wrong because i knew that you weren't going to get angry i mean i was afraid you know to disappoint you but i knew that you would you really wanted what was best for me and you were going to give me good advice and looking back now i think that it's the kind of relationship i also want to have with my kids and i need to improve on that but i think our kids need to be absolutely sure and secure in the fact that we love them no matter what but it's okay to fail to make mistakes and we will forgive them and we will walk alongside them to help them to change and improve and we're all in this together as you know pastor eddie and tita annabelle it's a family thing we're all supposed to pursue christ together as a team so thank you again for how you talk alongside me and i'd like to add one more the key is to really connect them to love jesus because when they love jesus the rest will follow but the warning is don't over control i've seen parents they over control once you over control your children the farther they will go away from you it's like anything it's it's like a bird you try to catch a bird it will fly away but you stay still have food there and the bird will come to you so my warning is over controlling parents you eventually your children will want to leave you and you won't have that love relationship thank you dad uh so those that are just joining us welcome again we're talking about intimacy and we've seen on the chat box many people have been watching all four so thank you for joining us all through the stretch we have a lot of juicy questions so please keep sending your questions on our q a panel not the chat box so that again we can vote it up and see and help prioritize which ones our panel can answer one of them is around forgiveness so i'm gonna be speaking to the kids and some of our seasoned uh parents like lolo and lola here to help us answer the idea of forgiveness uh caleb alana and ethan guys i have a question for you so when mom and dad or you guys hurt each other whatever the reason we're not going to ask you what those are how do you guys help fix it what do you do in your family yeah how do you resolve those conflicts uh we resolve conflicts by if i if my dad hurt me he would apologize and then we'll talk it over and make it right or if i have hurt him but i don't think i've heard him that much i don't think actually i might have but if i did then i probably i apologize to him and then he make he forgives me awesome alana well sometimes like every time i get like irritated there's always a burden in my heart that says like say sorry say sorry so i always try to say sorry like right away or then my sibling tries to say sorry then we make it right by forgiving each other and then doing something nice for each other after that that's what kind of things irritate you elana my brothers don't do what i say what about mom and dad does anything they do irritate you also um yeah sometimes like i get impatient like if i want to go and they're not ready i i get irritated okay wonderful and then would you say wonderful i was gonna say what what wonderful because you do something to help resolve it right so ethan let's hear you young man um yeah same like my sister like i have this burden when i don't when i don't say sorry to my parents so like usually when i have this burden i take the time to ask my parents for forgiveness and they we usually talk it through and say sorry and i they forgive me or i forgive them come on buddy how about you paul and jenny what about you guys in your marriage well i think this is a good question i want to ask that question in a bit yeah yeah so let's hear that so what about you guys i mean so we hear what the kids do with you in your marriage if there is you know hurt what do you do to help resolve restore intimacy to restore intimacy um we have sex just joking oh my goodness precious screenshot the kids reaction right there no for us you know it's um we we constantly i have to remind myself that um it's only the grace of god that enables me to to be the husband or the father that god's called me to be so when i do have shortcomings and i do i i do what the lord said which is to ask for forgiveness from him and then i ask for forgiveness from from jenny and and the kids and you know i'm the kind of person that wants to fix things um immediately and i've learned that timing is very important too so as you go about saying sorry you know you make sure that you have the right time to do it don't do it when you're walking on the way out to go to the office really make the time so you can have under uninterrupted time to to talk about how you really hurt um your your spouse or your children or your friend um depending on what life stage you're on you're at so jenny how about you thanks paul jenny uh i think for me honestly i think my pride a lot of times gets in the way you know and so you know i fight i fight with the holy spirit i mean in a sense like you know the holy spirit's the one that really convicts me that says hey you didn't you lost your temper with the kids you know you didn't speak respectfully to paul you know you should apologize but you know inside sometimes it's just like no let me wallow in this anger for a little bit you know but i i really um i echo what paul says i think it's it's the relationship with jesus that i have he's the one that really convicts me and so when i submit to him and the holy spirit's conviction and then i go and i make things right with paul and a lot of time actually just recently actually just yesterday we were taking a walk and i had to say sorry because i reacted to him and i said you know can you please forgive me well i didn't say it exactly like that but i basically was saying you know i realized my attitude wasn't right and then he looks at me he's like are you asking for forgiveness and i'm like yes yes yes yes i realized my attitude was wrong i shouldn't have responded that way so that's something that we've really tried to develop in our relationship and and i have to say you know i really really appreciate paul because he has really been the leader in this and a lot of times it's my fault but i realize that he'll usually always take the initiative to bring up conflict and talk it out with me so that's something that i really appreciate about him and then with our kids i think what the kids said like when i lose it when i get frustrated um i try and quickly as possible go to them and really say you know i'm so sorry that mommy got upset with you that wasn't right will you please forgive me and then we talk it through and then we hug and that's usually how we resolve the conflict thanks jen you know i already said that um you're very often saying most of the time you feel like it's your fault and then joy whispered to me she said like you i'm like like me like it's mostly my fault so so thank you guys we're learning new open communications i know we're learning so much more panelists here uh pastor eddie annabelle i think this question will be for you guys to help answer because you are again very honest about the rockiness of your marriage um anonymous attendee is asking and saying how do you show forgiveness concretely when the past keeps coming into your mind whenever you see the person so how do you practice forgiveness and because you're also a pastor i'm sure you have a lot of things to share about this please bless us well when it comes to forgiveness me and my wife we have an understanding that gooseberry about this so because we've been married for so many years uh i'm not perfect you're not perfect and you're not perfect i'm not perfect probably we will be hurting each other it's been so many years and love should be over and above all these things so um and even if i will not ask for forgiveness in her heart mahal he will brush it aside and then later on we'll talk about it but even if the person is not asking for forgiveness in my heart i have received the forgiveness of the lord and he she will not uh intentionally hurt me and probably that's just an incident not to be nothing tone of voice i feel disrespected at that moment but i will brush it aside at that moment probably hindi hindisha conscious about it and then later on we will bring that up the timing is very important but my point is even if she will not ask for forgiveness in my heart i will forgive her because i have received the forgiveness of the lord so we settle it that way and then later on we talk about it wonderful we yeah we don't blame each other we take responsibility for our own actions and uh as uh i would always believe the best of him even though i don't feel it and i don't see it as he said i would not for intimacy to happen there should be trust and faith i need to trust him no matter what i'm feeling at this moment i need to have faith in him he loves me and i should not let bitterness or never listen to any hurt whisperers so that i will not feel i'm koala because i'm not thank you wonderful i love also the wisdom of you know a lot of times as also paul shared earlier pastor eddie the men there there's a initiative that is also necessary in helping resolve these things so thank you for for sharing that we feel like that is so important let's ask you i need to call it annabelle said also thinking the right thoughts good you know thinking the right thoughts and and being positive in our minds because a lot of times it's hard there's a barrier to intimacy and we're thinking so critically about the other person so thinking the best about them i think is so important that's what i was convicted about right now as i listen to you say that we're learning so many things i'm so glad so let's ask your adult kids again all right hey guys um so you know we heard the young kids earlier talk about what they do to resolve hurt and uh provide forgiveness let's talk about you guys i mean you're adults i'm sure you have your fair share of hurts with parents and amongst each other how do you guys deal with hurtful things that might happen or what do your parents do even at your age to help resolve hurt pain conflict that might happen in your family i remember this time when we were in a family retreat it was during the zip challenge and we were sharing the things that um they have done to hurt us so my dad said my dad said um um please forgive us we're sorry but you have to understand we're also first-time parents they said that and i couldn't um nikos and i couldn't forget it because for me it was like making an excuse it was for me during that time i now understand because i'm also a mom now but during that time i i for me it was an excuse your apparent that's your responsibility but um what um was effective for me was the um immediate change right after you ma in applying like um they began to be more appreciative everything that uh my issues they made a point i think it's the same with me because uh it's easy to say that i'm sorry it's easy to say to us ask forgiveness but i think the actions after really matters so even if example my parents would say i'm sorry please forgive me and then they would do the same thing it wouldn't matter so much but then if when we saw our parents change as well and addressed each issue then it made a great impact thanks leo jose um [Music] thank you for doing this for me thank you for doing that um i know he's coming from a very opposite upbringing um understanding that easier for me for me to forgive him and to to appreciate ingina govanya awesome thanks for sharing guys it's so encouraging to hear you guys as adults you know share these things and i'm sure you're going to apply the same principles in your own families um bettina and gummi you know i wanted to ask you if there's something that you could have changed at the beginning of your parenting is there anything that you would have changed i think i would if i knew then what i know now about about the power of the tongue about how hurtful words can really stab and create deep scars i would really have been more careful with my words especially when i am emotional that's one thing that's one thing um that breaks my heart every time i remember that i have a 10 year old and there has been there has been so much hurt already because i i didn't know that i was not mindful i was not careful i felt it was okay because i was right and i was angry but damage has been done but praise god because we do have a redeeming god and for all those times um that i have heard gummy we we we had a moment before um we had a healing plan i really had to pray to the lord to reveal to me where all the hurts came from where it started and god was faithful to show me that and it led us to an opportunity where we got to talk about how have i hurt you some two years ago and i really prayed for a humble heart to receive i mean i prepared heart to receive because as painful as it was for me i'm sure it's also for her to recall those times so i did ask and she did name a few i i was so surprised ah i've heard her this much already she's so young i i realized that i was so careless about her heart and with my tongue also and for everything that she told me i just listened i didn't defend i did not invalidate her feelings i just received them and i said sorry for each of those and i praise god that he really has brought healing to to our relationship and really restored and that helped us move forward more wisely um we would be gentle to remind each other when we when i sleep again when i become too firm again or i i ignore or i say you know those things because i think my tendency is either i talk so much or i do not talk at all which is equally worse equally bad but just ignoring so it's really humbly asking and finding fault in myself first i think that's what helped me also to realize that i have a fault instead of blaming the other person or my child um and i guess with a humble heart a hardened heart will also soften such a nice principle i think humility you're still right it's really key um so thanks for sharing that uh you know what mom and dad i was thinking he was listening to to bettina i think there's there have been instances of course in the lives of the families who are listening where trust has been broken you know and in order for intimacy to happen again you really have to rebuild that trust right it's one thing to say sorry and to apologize and to ask for forgiveness but how do families um rebuild trust with one another and maybe started with parents rebuilding that trust with their children you know trust is different from forgiveness forgiveness is immediate love is a choice trust takes time you cannot demand trust but you can do your best to be trustworthy and the best way to do that is start with keeping your word watch your action and then in god's time trust will be built up but don't demand trust just do your part when you are wrong admit you are wrong dad that mom there's a top-rated question maybe this will be the last question from viewers before we wrap up with everybody uh we'd love to hear wisdom on this what do we do it as parents we are trying our best to be intentional to reconcile with our children but they're the ones who seem to be intentional in being distant from us what is your advice and your wisdom i always want to encourage people to adopt this principle what is outside your control leave it to the lord but you must assume responsibility for what is within your control so in that case what is within the control of parents you keep reaching out you do your best what is outside your control will your children respond so that you lead to god and don't give god a time frame just say lord please do something and then keep loving them for the sake of loving them without any demand and then when they begin to see you'll be amazed at the power of god god's power if he can change the apostle paul you can change anybody so that's my advice relax do your part and enjoy the journey of walking with god because you are doing it to please god your joy should not be dependent on your children's response your joy should be dependent on your obedience to god and see his smile just keep doing what you need to do i think i think sometimes they think that it's if you're trying to change it's not going to last they're afraid that maybe if you have a temper and you yell you're going to yell at them again so they're they're cautious and they've built walls of protection so i think it's what we've been sharing from the beginning they am you model what you want them to become you model christ-likeness you model unconditional love and then you are you know you share also about your own experiences you you do give them time but ultimately you just have to entrust them to god because it's only god who can change your heart but be what you know god wants you to be and then leave all the results to god and i think children can sense if you are pressuring them and we don't like to be pressured especially adult children so learn to chill to relax yeah i see the adult children smiling here on this call also enjoy baby yeah i think that's that's that that word that he just said to be chill and to relax i think maybe any of the parents can can jump in here or even the young adults if they want to add but what do you think makes a parent likeable to their child you know like like i think all of us parents we want to be those kinds of kids who want to be with us and where they want you know what they enjoy being with us what do you think is the secret to being a likable parent let's ask the kids so this will be our closing round let's ask the kids and then we'll have a closing round with the adult so caleb alana ethan last question for you guys what makes your mom and dad so likable uh what makes your parents likeable is if they if they enter like what people have been saying they enter your world they do stuff that you enjoy awesome caleb ethan um what makes our parents likeable is that they really take the time to spend time and not just spend time and like be there really with you and um yeah they teach you how to groom your hair that's probably mom not dad just saying right love you bro alana well for me i think if my parents are joyful it makes it like enjoyable to be with them and like what my brother said like what they like to do like what i like to do i like it it makes it enjoyable when they're with me awesome and let's ask the adults uh even at your age what makes you know you want to hang out be with your parents mom and dad um as adults for me it's their thoughtfulness when i'm home mommy cooks my favorite food um you know they show you that they're always thinking about you for me it's uh still listening listening because now you have issues that are different when you're children so you have specif you can talk about work you can talk about anything and then they would just listen and still it's i think it's still the basic uh thing that adults want is to be listened to because when you were kids they always they would always say they're always the one talking but now since we are adults i think we have some things to say now so we appreciate it if we are if they listen to us for me it's uh i think it's um respect um they they treat us as adults as you were saying don't be over controlling you know you have to realize when your kids hit a certain age you have to change your style and dad and mom i've talked about that in previous webinar so thank you again jose gummi did you want to add anything and share what makes your mom so likable to you it's my final question to you she always that she spends time with me and she makes time she lets the things that can wait wait wow that's beautiful let the things that can wait wait i want to unpack that so much more sweetheart but we've got to close so let's ask you to close us first um bettina and again congratulations i'll congratulate bethany [Music] we wanted to enjoy your moment so please uh we're going to ask the adults now meaning all the parents to close us parting words on intimacy you can go first bettina please um i guess there's really it's really no secret that the secret to building stronger relationship and ties with our family members and our children is really time so i guess for parents you know never think that time away from your work from the most important chores and in order to be with your children is actually wasted time it's actually an investment and when we invest in them and in the things that matter to the lord the lord honors that that's beautiful thank you bettina again for being on this panel enjoy your night let's go to paul and jenny please guys party words on intimacy i think for me i love what bettina said that's a great word um to add a different take on it i think intimacy really has to start with the individual and their time with the lord first because i think when i'm filled with the lord then i have more of myself to give to my husband to my kids and i think what my daughter said too i think to really cultivate intimacy i have to be one willing i have to give up my time and i have to be fun like i have to be someone that people want to enjoy being with and i realize like if i'm negative if i'm always busy if i always tell my kids no no wait later i'll do that later i'll spend time with you later then i'm pushing them away i'm not really cultivating a closeness with them so i think it's just even my presence my if i'm joyful if i'm happy if i'm excited to be with them i think they're going to want to be with me and my husband as well yes she's been doing a great job of that i guess i i would like to to wrap up um speaking to everyone whether you're a parent child friend again the question was asked how do you make your children love you or or get people to to become intimate with you and i want to point all of us back to to christ remember we talked about we have to enter the world of our children um or enter the world the person you're trying to become intimate with and if you look at what god did he entered our world right he entered our world in the god-man of jesus christ and if you think back to what made you fall in love with christ i think about that in my life and i remember the the sacrifice that he he made for us you know he died on the cross he removed every barrier so that we could have a relationship with god and i think as a parent or as a friend if you enter into the world of the person you're trying to to to reach out to and you have the same kind of sacrificial love that jesus has for you there is no one that you can't not not become intimate with because god made us for that in fact in jeremiah he says let that he says let not the wise man boast of his wisdom let not the mighty man boast of his might let not a rich man boast of his riches but let him who boasts both of this that he understands and knows me and i am the lord who exercises loving-kindness justice and righteousness on earth for i delight in these things declares the lord that's jeremiah 9 23-24 so for those of you out there god desires intimacy with you he says don't boast about anything else but boast that you know me so he wants to be known and i just want to encourage all of you no matter what life stage you're at get to know the god who absolutely loves you because that opens up the doors to unlimited and full of hope future no matter where you're at so god bless you guys beautiful thank you paul beautiful beautiful perspective brother um let's ask pastor eddie and annabelle your parting words yeah intimacy i would say prioritize uh intimacy with the lord jesus christ and every relationship will follow and for the husbands the best thing that we can do for children is to love their mother bhagna kitana intimate will be drawn towards their parents intimacy prioritize intimacy with the lord amen always be on a forgiving mode uh choose to trust and have faith and trust and have faith in god amen thank you that's here mom and dad parting words please there's so many things to say but something peter said on sunday is to have intimacy you need to treat others the way you want to be treated and let them know that they're really priority in your life and that you really want to be with them on top of everything that they have said i think [Music] the reality of intimacy is if you are intentional intentional in showing kindness intentionally in respect intentional in using kind words and lastly intentional in showing appreciation if you appreciate somebody they will know it they know that you enjoy them and once you keep on being grateful being appreciated these are practical aspects of intimacy it's hard to be intimate with somebody if that person does not feel you appreciate them you're always correcting them always judging them thanks dad mom mom i'm finished oh you're finished that's right thank you so much that tells you that we've got a little bit over time we're so full of insulin thank you so much uh mom and dad uh paul and jenny and their family the robloxes gummy it was wonderful tonight honey any final words before we wrap up yeah i was just listening to that just listening to all of you and i whispered to him i said you know what let's just go and spend time with our kids and just hug them and then let's watch a movie with them tonight sometimes we can be so rigid you know like we have to do things a certain way but let's go have fun with the kids tonight so i think that's how what we're gonna apply from this because we're on homeschool mode and you know it's very flexible during the quarantine so so thank you honey thank you again to everybody thank you for all the participants that have joined us to all four please carry on guess what we have a surprise for you the next session next wednesday is on vision and we're going to have people like dr hayden go and it's family we're going to have um some of our guests all the way from new zealand riot and lei escobar and then peter june here and wife jennifer so and as a special treat we will also be able to stream this next week not just on zoom and youtube but on facebook as well so once we're done with our session please enter the survey form youtube with the survey by clicking the link from our chat admins please guys if you've been enjoying this invite your friends families and join us on the zoo ask all your questions and promise to answer as many of them even offline so let's close can we ask pastor eddie robles to please close us okay let's pray lord we thank you for your presence in our lives we thank you for the families you have blessed us with we pray that in our respective roles in our families your love and light will shine through us we pray for families who are hurting that you would just heal their wounded hearts i should draw them closer to you we pray that your love will overwhelm each one and that love will overflow to bless one another thank you that you are our good good father who wants the best for all of us in jesus name we pray amen so thank you again everybody congratulations again to bettina god bless everybody see you next week good night good night [Music] bye

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Length: 74min 9sec (4449 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 07 2020