Part of growing up is learning more about how
the world works. And one of the ways you learn is by experimenting. Trying stuff, because why
not? I don’t know what’ll happen, and besides, it could be fun. So it’s only natural to look
back at stuff you did when you were younger, and had less experience, and think whyyy would I
do that? Knowing what you know now, it seems dumb, but you wouldn’t know what you know now if
you hadn’t tried what you did then. Which is mostly my way of justifying the dumb stuff I did
when I was a kid so you don’t judge me because I DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER, OK? *crying* I
was just a sweet innocent child trying to find his way in a cruel and confusing world.
Some of the dumb stuff I did as a kid wasn’t that big of a deal, and is honestly kind of adorable.
Like one time, I got a cardboard box, I brought it to the top of the stairs, climbed in, and slid
down. Like a rollercoaster - made of cardboard. Five year old TimTom didn’t know what would
happen once he ran out of stairs. However, thanks to past-Tim’s sacrifice slash experiment,
we now know that the box will espolode, and the sole passenger will indeed smack the
concrete floor of the basement, and it will hurt, and much like a baby bird slash fighter pilot he
will lay there in shock before shouting “MAYDAY!” because that’s what you’re supposed to
shout when you are in trouble. Apparently. Speaking of stairs... when I was younger (and
smaller) I would climb stairs on all fours. I’d lean over and go into animal mode. Something about
it just felt faster, and I think it’s probably a more efficient way to climb stairs when you’re
little, you know? But the thing is, I only lived in a house with stairs for about a year when I
was 5, so I built that habit when I was young. But then we moved to a place that didn’t have stairs,
which meant I never really had the opportunity to outgrow it. As far as my body was concerned, the
best way to climb stairs was still like a dog. It just came naturally. So years later, when
I was a teenager, I remember going over to a friend’s house for the first time, and when we
went up the stairs to his room, my muscle memory kicked in and I clambered up the stairs with
the all coordination of a greased-up baby deer. Both him and his mom were like “What uh… whatcha
doin there?” And sure that’s kind of embarrassing, but old habits die hard. So as much as I knew it
looked weird for me to rumble up the stairs like that, I probably only had one or two opportunities
a week to break that habit and practice walking like a normal person. So every time I went over
to his house, I would go back on autopilot and continue to climb the stairs like a total
weirdo. I’m not the only one that climbed stairs like that, right guys? Guys? … *distant
voice* Ok I’ll just be over here if you need me… One time I pooped in the bushes! Don’t worry,
this one also happened when I was 5. I’m not goin’ around pooin’ all willy nilly as an adult.
Go over to a friend’s house, “Excuse me, could you point me toward your shrubbery?” So I was at a
playground and there was a huge bush that had this little tunnel through the middle, just big enough
for a little kid to walk through. And on either side of the tunnel, the bush had what I can only
describe as two tiny rooms in it. For some reason, the boys on the playground were taking turns going
into the bush and peeing in one of the little rooms. And at this point you can probably guess
the rest of the story. I needed to go number two, and I figured if one of the rooms was for
peeing… then the other... must be for pooping. I will remind you that I was only 5! A five year
old without TP. This is where my memory of the situation goes about as fuzzy as an analog TV
in a blizzard. I don’t know if I admitted to my mom what happened, or if I just pulled my
pants up and dealt with it later. Either way, the whole ordeal was very uncomfortable.
But at least that time I was the only victim of my stupidity… if you don’t count my mom having to put
up with a smelly boy. Another time - and again, I was only 5 and couldn’t possibly have known
better - *sigh* I saw someone do that classic magic trick in a movie where they rip a tablecloth
out from under a bunch of plates and silverware, and everything stays in roughly the same place.
That’s because of a little thing called... inert-a. But I didn’t know physics when I was a
kid, so when I tried, I failed to properly account for several variables. Here’s how it went down.
One of my friends came over to play, and I was excited to show off a new trick I saw on the
TV. But I didn’t have a tablecloth or anything to put on it, so I looked around the house until
I found something close enough. The bathmat in the bathroom was kind of like a tablecloth, so I had
her stand on it, and yanked it as hard as I could. Instead of effortlessly slipping out from under
her like I expected, her feet flew out from under her with the bathmat, and she slammed her head on
the edge of the bathtub. And, she didn’t make it… very long before bursting into tears. My
mom rushed in and asked what happened, and I didn’t wanna get in trouble so I said
that she fell. Which is… technically true! Please don’t judge me I feel awful enough.
But one of my favorite stories to tell from when I was a kid happened a few years later. One
hot summer weekend, my mom installed a brand new ceiling fan in our living room. That doesn’t seem
important, but stick with me. Not long after, one of my friends and my sister and I were hanging
out in the living room, trying to cool off. My mom poked her head in to tell us she was
gonna run to the post office real quick, and would be back in about 10 minutes. A little while
after she left, my sister went to the kitchen and grabbed a few cans of soda, and a ballpoint pen.
She explained to us that the rivet that holds a can’s pull tab on is in the exact center of the
can, and you can use a pen to punch a hole in it. So, she put a hole in the top of a can, covered
it with her finger, gave it a little shake, and then drank some soda by shooting
it into her mouth. It was kinda cool, and my friend very enthusiastically tried
it out for himself, but he shook his can way harder than necessary, and I guess he didn’t
have great aim, because when he went to drink, all he got was a nose-full of carbonation. When
he pulled his head out of the line of fire, the jetstream just kept going. It absolutely covered
the ceiling, and my mom’s brand-new ceiling fan. My sister and I just looked up, frozen in
horror having no idea what to do. Before we could even finish processing what just
happened, my mom walked in with a big smile on her face that lasted for about two seconds
before shouting “I WAS GONE! FOR 10! MINUTES!” The aftermath of that story is that my
friend started crying because my mom yelled at him, and we never spoke again.
Also, some of you may know that I hide an ice cream cone in every video, but I’m gonna
make things interesting this time around and run a contest. The first person to find it in
this video owes me twenty dollars! Have fun!
