Model Homes III: The Quarantine Edition - The Jakes Family [May 06, 2020]

[Music] I'm believing God for harvest in our families in our homes that during this time that we have been in isolation and we've been kind of quarantined for a while that we have an opportunity to harvest in some areas and I know for some people being quarantined has made things worse but sometimes things have to get worse before they get better I'm believing God for a miracle in your family and in your life I think you're gonna enjoy this you're gonna have some fun but I want you to take some notes and get some principles that will really help you to navigate through the vicissitudes of life and the challenges of relationships which are inherent in anybody's house in everybody's house in everybody's relationship it's not what happens is how you resolve it that makes a difference so I want you to fasten your seat belts and get ready for this conversation are you ready check this out most generally you model the home you came from well well no no like for instance you I mean the way you function is a lot like you're on who raised you you know that's me yeah it's you so you your idea of a good good wife or your idea of what a husband should be a lot of times is affected by where you came from it models your idea either you emulated or you're trying not to be what you say sometimes it's that too but one way or the other it affects the model and then the real art of marriage is to take the model she had in mind and the model that I had in mind and merged it together into what God had in mind for us at for our destiny would you all agree with that absolutely so we're gonna talk a little bit about that your conjunct just jump in and feel free like you do any what you do I can all bougie today but this is not really how they are give about three minutes but didn't figure out how when you start talking about marriage let me start with core how long do you think it took you and Brandon to get into a groove of what works for you well we've been together for nine years in June but we've been together for 11 years and I think in our marriage I'd say maybe year six was kind of when we started kind of getting into not really arguing anymore having a groove and an understanding for one another and really being able to understand each other's languages not just our love language but we come from way different model homes our homes are completely different there's no similarities whatsoever outside of the fact that we both have our mothers and so it was very very difficult for us to try to figure out what our culture was going to be without me saying well mom and dad did it this way or well mom and dad said well well this is what mama would say and and having to get out of that and say okay well yeah that's what your mom and dad did and that works really great for them and that can be wonderful but what will our culture being kind of designing that far enough so that our children can look and see our marriage as opposed to oh they're just doing the same exact thing that that their parents did so it's just about I'd say five or six years and we're still you know learning argument or a fight in several years yeah not to read Sarah you all had a very unique experience because you're a blended family so you can speak from a perspective that's that's very unique talk about how that blending work and how you all connected and how do you find time for you in the midst of the Roberts Bunch in lieu of the Brady Bunch I call it the Roberts watch yeah I think blending a family was something that I wanted to be really intentional about I've been married before and so I knew that the dynamic between whoever's coming into the lives of my children was really really important to me but I also knew that we couldn't just decide like hey we're getting married and then overnight expect for them to kind of jail so once we really felt that guy that brought us together and that this was something that he was going to do and we were going to walk out marriage and life together I knew pretty early on that I wanted the kids to get to know one another and because I was living in Dallas at the time he was in Los Angeles I flew out with my children and we all went out on dates - you know Disneyland we went to Dave & Buster's we had dinner we all went to his apartment and like make cookies and had dinner but I wanted them to have an opportunity to get a feel for me I wanted to get a feel for them right because I wanted to make sure that we had the same perspective on parenting I think when you're blending a family and you're looking for someone who's going to come into this pre-existing dynamic the married couple is really going to be the foundation of the family even if the children were there before the spouse and so we have to share a lot of things in common how do you feel about X Y & Z what are your thoughts on when they should date what are your thoughts on can she wear it to peace I mean every little thing we kind of had to come to an agreement with before presenting it to the children we didn't hatch it out in front of the kids but we took a minute even if it's something going on now and maybe we share a different perspective we kind of put a pin in it with the children we come to our room we go to the car whatever we have we huddle right and then we figure out the game plan is going to be what I really like about what you said there are many great things but one of the things is dating but in essence how I said it you didn't say it this way but this is what it meant you dated the kids along with dating him and I think that's very important because a lot of people they get married they're into each other but they're not into the kids you have it's a package deal and the kids need some time to adjust to who is this new person in my life and and be feel respected and feel included and feel a part of all of that and and that that's an amazing part of it how was it for you Toria yeah it was the same we were very intentional about wrapping our arms around the kids and really watching them I think for me because you know I didn't I didn't raise malachi mckenzie those you know in those early years I wanted to to get to know them and to understand their ways but I was also very intentional about letting them know that that you're not my stepson you're not my stepdaughter I'm I'm in it I'm in it for real and I'll do whatever it takes to learn so I was intentional about doing one-on-ones with them and and really trying to understand them and learn them and you know for us it was just just being intentional like so sitting now between you know a whole lot of stories about so with us being in quarantine it's pretty much presented a pretty unique challenge for the two of us I think our foundation will always reflect these times so when you're around someone twenty-four hours and in this a new period of time you can either go crazy or it can really bring you all together in a lot of ways it's really brought us together it's kind of extended the honeymoon in some ways but it allows you to really get close and just build a foundation especially for our communication all of those things have increased as a byproduct at this time where we can really hone in and focus on what our real vision for our relationship is so we may not have gotten into that rhythm but we've definitely gotten to a point where we can say this is a part of our foundation and whatever we have going for this has to be baked into the play so it's it's been very good I don't think we've ever done better [Music] quarantine strengthening your communication like you you're forced to have conversations like you're forced to find entertainment within each other that you wouldn't have normally been able to pay attention to and I'm seeing that not just with Brandon but with my children like I've learned a lot more about my children in this time that I did not know about just being with them 24/7 both from a spiritual and educational place but I think I will speak for myself though I don't know that I felt like our communication has strengthened just because Petey constantly makes me communicate in general like he makes people communicate like how are you feeling like 24/7 so I think my major adjustment when we first got married was learning to communicate my feelings because he's constantly asking about how I'm feeling what my policy is and what's your thoughts on this what's your vision on that side I don't think my communication is really strengthened but what I do think has strengthened between us during quarantine is our needs to really tap into ourselves and to understand what it is individuals and not necessarily what we need as a couple or a family so much of our life is poured out to other people whether it's the kids or the church or touring or the businesses and we can kind of get distracted by that and not have to check in with ourselves but what this is showing us because you can't just get in the car and go on and drive without some thought and you can't just go out to dinner or go to the spa or whatever is really forcing us to address our feeling like what do you need what are you feeling and saying things like you know this is really getting to me like I thought I was doing okay but I'm actually having a little bit of anxiety today yesterday I felt good today I feel anxiety because there is no outlet right now some of the health that we're used to using we just don't have and I think even for me like with the house you know I'm cooking every single day and there's something like there's something to being able to be like oh I'm gonna I'm ordering food tonight you know we don't really order food in because one is 18,000 of us and you don't know like you know I need to cook I need to do that and if I don't I'm not going to be a good wife and they do it's like clear list as long as there's something to is being honest about each other's expectations because a lot of times when you start out you start out polite and and you don't really say what you really expect but that's gonna wear out is really really a good thing about how you feel expressing what your expectations are what the boundaries are on both sides so that you kind of enter into some common ground some good understanding because a lot of times you can acquiesce to the other person and just say what you think they want you to hear and that's okay if you were going to only be married for six months or a year right but we've been married 38 years 38 years is a long time to play you know you can't plan for 38 years you know 38 years you gonna be real at some point and it's very important to let the other person know who you who you really are that you call what's important to you because if you're not careful you'll be busy giving somebody something that not important to them at the expense of something else it really is important this is kind of for so those type of questions but when did you all get into that place that tempo where you really were able to be yourself and kind of be okay saying no I'm not gonna cook tonight I was asking your mom and dad but everything we can chime in I don't think that we've always been pretty much how we are I don't think that much is the rhythm that we have being shut up in the house during the last six seven weeks it's pretty much the rhythm that we had when we first got married except we don't talk as much now as we did but we said that we've been talking for 38 years so there's not as many questions to be and as many things to be researched there are updates there are changes that you have to reevaluate because I'm not exactly the same but my core is to say she's not exactly the same but her core is to say I think once you get a rhythm in what you can expect from each other did you adjust don't you yeah yeah it does but we do get updates yeah because situations dictate a different reaction the blessing that you and Mom and Baxter have is that you don't have the lunch lady duties then we have as parents with younger kids it's like you're cooking all day breakfast lunch dinner can I have a snack and another smack and where are the snacks and can you reach the snacks and so I had to get into a habit of I've come up with a word it's called be richer tizen because I need to need my children [Applause] [Music] you brought up some things a really good point you have to be each other's defender you have to be judge defender you you have to say to the kids no no you're not doing it your mom is my wife you're not killing my way but don't get your new so you go sit down somewhere that's gonna be enough the same thing in Reverse you have to be each other's defender and that's very very important that you do that because then the kids begin to understand boundaries you know they begin to understand boundaries which is a very healthy thing without boundaries there's a feeling of not loved you would think that the less boundaries you add the more love you felt but the truth of the matter is boundaries indiscipline cause children to feel more level I'm not talking about abuse I'm not talking about beating them in crazy stuff I'm just talking about boundaries and you go to bed at a certain time this is expected to you you clean up behind yourself that discipline causes him to feel love absolutely I think the translator my husband I'm introducing to you know my two children at the time and so translating what he means especially because my two didn't have a father in their life and so translating what a father does and translating what he means when he says certain things I even had an opportunity to translate into his biological children to help them understand his protection in his way of communicating and how to really receive from him and to understand the heart and which is coming from and I think that that's something that blended families can never underestimate is our ability to really facilitate the blend by translating the you know new spouse or adoptive parent into the family by helping the kids to understand who they are translator it's funny because your mother was a translator was is and always will be a translator that that really held our family together because she was explain him meeting you all she was explaining you all to me you know you know you know you don't have boy don't mean that such such a thing this is what we call pillow talk that holds the family together it's the glue it's the glue that holds the family together most of the time not always it's the woman who really translates the best between the two I don't know whether it's because men are bullheaded and maybe that's a generalization I shouldn't make but it's the woman that translates this is what he means by that you know this is what they may about that you know and that really holds the family together I don't know if you remember this but this was maybe five years ago we were in Las Vegas and not Las Vegas we ran New Orleans we're at the table in and you had watched some videos bishop and watched some videos of my father's before he passed away not two months before he passed away and he would watch some videos of him talking to six or seven videos and for those who don't know me and my dad had a really challenging relationship but but Bishop was able to translate what my dad meant even without even meeting him he was able to translate what he meant which kind of speaks to the the wrong that was right but maybe how it was done translated as wrong and it helped me even with my relationship with with the the men in my life you know because you you almost need to sometimes you just don't get what a person is trying to do and you charge the the process so you charge the way that it came out with the wrong you know how I'm trying to say this right what you did to me was wrong but it wasn't wrong because what your intention was my dad was hard on me his intention was to toughen me up he was a Vietnam vet he was a black panther he knew what it was going to be like to be a young black man growing up during these times so he was trying to and he knew he only had a short amount of time so he's trying to instill all these things in me I saw it as rejection I saw it as he didn't think that I was good enough and so when you were able to translate that to me something broke in mean I don't not only were the last two months of my life spent with him completely different because I was able to see him write receive from him and affirm him but my relationships moving forward with other male figures in my life will change because I had an interpreter and so I kind of had that same breakthrough as well because I had somebody to trans I know the mount can become a translator but sometimes a man can be a translator - to help you perceive it right if you're not wise enough to translate you end up taking sides if you start taking side she got Civil War if you've got Civil War a house divided against itself so about staying and and the kids will pit you against each other they will work you they will work you against each other and and try to divide you and if you play into that the house becomes a place of war and any time a house becomes a place of war I can only speak for a man you don't want to come into a warzone when you just left one so you don't want it to be a place of war you want it to be a place of peace you want it to be a place of tranquility reality is you're gonna disagree sometimes we're gonna disagree sometimes when you disagree how do you all resolve conflicts I'm understanding so I'm usually the one who draws out the disagreement to make sure that we both have understanding so we can we can be trying to understand for three hours but I think understanding is important or important for me but I think it's important for the overall consensus because a lot of the times the disagreements come from misunderstandings or not not being in the same place of understanding so I'm always trying to look for the root cause I've an experience we found that if we let it it'll go left and we'll be disagreeing about and then we get to the core of us so understand it's been really big for us and and really asking those questions what do you mean or what did you know why did you do this so that way I'm not feeling any kind of way about something I shouldn't feel any kind of way about because I don't have a complete understanding of why or what it was so that's something that we do we ask those questions we'll sit down and stop everything if we need to we'll go to the room you know and moment where we can sit and meet each other in those places when we have those minutes I am very lawyer so it's a very long time for me to stop pleading my case on why I was accurate and he was so I had to like really put in my head that we were on the same side because for a long time it was like no you're wrong and this is why you're wrong because I said this and then you said that and I have a memory like an elephant so he doesn't do very well when I come up with will give me an example then and so he can't he don't have no examples to give examples okay we have the same goal you're not trying to hurt me that you want to address it I may not necessarily like that you want to address but it's okay I I tell people all the time for us marriage is giving you my heart giving you the power to hurt me deeper than anybody else can and hoping that you don't you just said something I want to jump on real good because I think it's me you said it was very very profound you define love as given your heart to somebody given them the power to hurt you and hoping that they do' i think that's a very important thing because that is trust okay that is trust okay then the other thing you have to understand is what does hurt your heart okay he has to understand that because what hurts a man and what hurts a woman often two different things the third thing is if you do get hurt the tendency amongst us is to take our heart back to protect it from the risk of being hurt again and then you move from being married to be at room because what we're really talking about here and what I really want to get across to our audience here is that marriage doesn't work if you're not willing to be vulnerable if either one of you decides to stop being vulnerable that person ceases to participate even though they are physically there they are not emotionally there they're not engaged there and it generally comes down to trust and how you define trust is based on what your rules of what hurts you is so that's that's something I want you to get out of these be another thing that I think it's important to understand about that trust is the things that are sacred to men are often not verbalize so you can you can hurt a man and he not say anything and he'd be mad about it and stay mad about it and you don't even know it happened that's not fair that's not right and it's very difficult to learn as a man to verbalize your vulnerabilities because we are trained boys don't cry boys don't show emotion boys don't do that so now you have to reprogram yourself to allow yourself to be vulnerable and feel like you have not risked your masculinity by being vulnerable enough to give that power back to hurt and/or disappoint and advise versa I think that happens with the woman - we can be so afraid of getting hurt that we refuse to be vulnerable we can be so so afraid of past hurts and heartbreaks that it makes it too cold for us to be open to our current spouses or even in a relationship to get to that plate but I think that the way that we handle our vulnerabilities are different just because women tend to be less vulnerable when they have been hurt me and ain't really vulnerable when it comes to those particular areas and relationships they are push to be the protector they're pushed to be kind of the guard and not really have a full openness to be emotionally vulnerable and so as a wife it is our position and we should want to be a safe place for our husbands to be as vulnerable as they can be but it is a two-sided thing I can't expect him to be any more vulnerable to me then I am willing to be to him the other thing you have to realize too is a lot of people watching us right now don't realize that when a woman and sometimes also when a man gets hurt a lot of times the defense mechanism is anger it's either anger or silence is either anger or distance so you decide this person is a hateful woman or he's a hateful man when beneath it all the person is just hurt you know because you don't get angry over something you don't care about if you are still angry about it you still are invested in it when you really are finished with the person there is no anger left there is no emotions left is just a blank sheet of paper so here's a little bit challenge to those that are watching us and you've been angry and you've been come battle but you've been fighting the combat is camouflage for you've been hurt drop the camouflage and let's get down to what you're heard about stop trying to protect your little girl with your big girl or your little boy with your big boy and let's talk like the two kids we really are and find out how we can work this out you're not going to out talk me and win even though you can maybe out talk to me that doesn't really move me saying it more often does it make it drive home to a man it just builds bigger wall I heard you the first time so saying it ten times isn't going to make it any better saying it ten times to her isn't gonna make it any better it definitely doesn't work with me because then the point gets lost into conflict and by men being a highly competitive it becomes about the war rather than the point was about the beds for it's not not it's not even about the bed for it it's about me showing you that you're not gonna break me and I'm a grown man and you are not my mother and you don't get up in my face and it's not even about that it's about the beds Chris so let's attack the issue and not the individual attack the issue and not the individual and does you have to have some rules for for for a disagreements yeah a fair fight it's gotta be a fair fight yeah you don't get to talk about my mother because I came home late for work because those kinds of things don't go away there are certain things that you can say with your mouth that I'm sorry won't erase and so you know you gotta have a fair fight be woman enough for man enough to let's talk about the issues I find the hardest people to live with are people who are not confrontational and I mean confrontational doesn't mean argumentative but if we don't confront the issue now I gotta guess literally I guess wrong most of the times I have been angry with her what I thought she felt yeah what I thought she felt wasn't even where she was yeah but but because you jump to conclusions and assume you know the word assume so he ended up in a bad spot because you you don't drop the camouflage and and being right becomes more important than being together when being right becomes when proving that you're right becomes more important than being together that's the first erosion of the relationship the goal is for us to be together you were so right when you're talking about it's not about proving that you're right i'ma prove to you that I'm right I must show you that I'm right i'ma win this case it's not a trial it's it's trying to find a way that we can together and if you worship right you end up right but you end up alone yeah well I don't think that you know we can underestimate the power of not just really what happens when you're trying to prove that you're right but also the fact that sometimes you've never had a model for when to say I was wrong so literally all we know how to do is prove that we were right because I do I don't have a model for you know humbling myself and saying that issue that you pointed out though it kind of made me feel shame or maybe it made me feel inadequate the truth is that I was wrong and you were right that's that's a different kind of modeling that creates so much trust with when you could say that you were wrong that creates so much and in fact I don't think you can get to trust you were wrong there is power in demonstrating to your children how to clean up your your message you're not always one of you right you're going to make the wrong decision sometimes and that doesn't make you less of a person it doesn't mean that you are adequate for whatever tomorrow represents but we can't just move on if that didn't happen inside there's two different kinds wrong there's a wrong about you can be right about what you were trying to do but wrong about how you went about it that's one thing okay and then you could just be wrong all the way you could be all the way wrong it wasn't even the right child and what is the right thing it wasn't even true what you heard and what do you even like that it didn't even go down like that you can be wrong so many different ways ice cream the kids talk to each other in a way that they don't talk to the parents okay so a lot of times you do have to wait a while to be able to do it because your kids are generally grown before you really have real conversations real conversations we're kind of saying where you feel empowered enough to have conversation there are things that wants to talked about as adults I mean we talk about everything Dexter's an adult no way we've had a lot of deep conversations he said why didn't you say certain things to me when I was arrested at one time yet so at different ages of different stages and then the other thing that I learned and this may help somebody and I did not know this in real-time speed I did not understand the power of a father's voice when you are a father or a mother and you say something maybe trying to snatch the kid out of something that you know is dangerous that intention is good but what you say has more I underestimated the impact of the force of the words because I'm a bottom-line person I want you out of it I want you out I'm gonna fix it move this over here move it over there but you have to understand just because of the role you're in those words have a lot of power and they leave a lot of scars or they hurt very deeply in a way that you weren't even after hurting the child you're after fixing the problem but it's just like reaching after a goblet and breaking the child Academy okay so so this is where Mama's become amazing because they balance out that proclivity in a way that's important I'm not sure that if the man is neutralized to communicate like and I should say all mothers are like your mother but I think of a man is neutralized to the point that he communicates like a mother does the childhood get to see both sides so when you end up married to a man if he doesn't communicate like a woman you don't recognize male communication you don't fully know until later that's why I'm telling right now I may not be here to see it but I'm telling you right now your report cards come in ten years down the road 15 years down the road and what you begin to find out is that none of us feel it perfect but we did it and you're not going to do it perfect either and so part of the compassion that comes I understand my father so much better now than I did when he was here because I didn't really get who he was till I tried to do it yeah I understand things that went on between he and my mother that I could never understand until I had reached their point in life in age in stress and I began to understand Wow it's easy to be what do they call Monday Morning Quarterback is much easier than it is to play that role for 38 years you do that 30 out using called me back Oh user call me back to survive to survive it's not easy there has to be the reason your mother and I are still together I believe one we have a chemistry and secondly we have common goals the truth when I say chemistry I'm not talking about kidney we found a rhythm that works for us we found a rhythm that works for she knows me she doesn't push my buttons I don't push her buttons it's a mutual respect you just don't push each other's buttons if she's running something I don't put my mouth in it if I'm running something she doesn't put her mouth in it understanding boundaries makes you able to be married and yet behold be single be single enough that that's hers this is mine she handles that I direct people back to her about her stuff I don't want to give them a different command from her vision and she's the visionary and your mother's very particular when she's a visionary about something I'm not gonna I don't even fool with her food when she's cooking I don't go in her kitchen and start adding stuff to her food and I don't want her to come in there and do heaven boundaries has a lot to do with how you survive for 38 years and a mutual respect and yes there's going to be dimensions of the criticism but you have to understand when you hear the criticism you you have to hear it like Sarah said I'm not talking to Sarah now I'm talking to 12 year old Sarah when she says that and the way it looked from there and the way it felt from there is a whole different thing from what it looked like to me from there I'm what maybe 38 it no I was older than that 40 40 something at the time it looks different when you're 42 then it does when you're windy at 13 those are two different extremes we're having the same experience but from two different perspectives and everybody Skaar is always about you yeah it's always about you it can't be about anybody else until you get to the point that you're willing and this is something your mother and I talked about all times to experience life in the other person's shoes yes when you put on that other person's shoe like in order to get with her and understand what she's talking about I can't experience that as a 42 year old man I had to experience that as a 13 year old girl and then I have to look up at it and understand what you expected from me versus what I had 42 expected from you you have to switch roles and or you or you can't stay together I can't be with her if I can't look at it through her eyes and understand what it might be like to be her and she has to understand what it's like to be me that I just came in the door I've been traveling in four different time zones and you can't meet me at the door and start talking about the washing machine broke down and the kids got an assignment and I just got home and you you have to the only way the Bible says you dwell together according to knowledge the only way you can stay together is that you experience life to the other person's eyes so when I say what do you mean by that or I say what were you thinking it means I'm trying to understand from your perspective what does that look like your mother says I could always be Cheech I could be Judas's lawyer it's like preaching what makes preaching effective is to become the character that you're preaching about and experiences through their eyes not experiencing it through your eyes as a preacher in the 21st century I have to go back and be out there with Moses with sandals or wood and have sand and wind blowing in my face was sand in my face and the Red Sea in front of me and the sound of Pharaoh coming behind there what all that means that all the implications are now I'm being chased by somebody I once respected a position that I grew up here I have to become Moses in order to be powerful in the text and that's the way you have to become with your kids to get them and that's where you have to become with your parents to understand them and with yourself it's easy for me to be myself because I've already got my perspective I got that down but I can live with me they don't have to morph into so many different situations where you go from talking to religious leaders to political leaders you have to be able to morph into that other character in order to be effective and you do that well yeah I could do that because I never lose sight of my core I think I think the great takeaways because I think the great takeaways from this that become very very important one you don't have to be perfect to do this you do have to be committed you have to lock down and say I'm in this for the long haul whether my feelings are hurt or not whether I feel appreciated or not whether I feel recognized or not what whether I feel validated or not you you have to be in it for the long haul number three you have to understand that everybody got a story everybody got a story in the same story it's just a point of view if you flip each story the other way I can show you a cop sweetness I can show you this much pain over here as it was over there and she can show me just as much pain over here as it was over there everybody's got a narrative and the hard thing about making a marriage and a family work is developing a respect and a sensitivity to the other person's perspective what what did that feel like for you how did you experience it and how did you experience that and then find a happy medium there there isn't a a truth there isn't a deep truth it's 88 it's a true it's a truth it's not B truth that's not the only side of this so you look at this thing over here that's not the other side of it there's another side of it experience it from my side experience it from my side and called me back and then you started looking at Beth doesn't take away I was right you was wrong he was right it's not about right or wrong you'll never keep a relationship if it's just about right or wrong it's about perspective it's a yeah it's not it's not scoring points it's not who wins the game it's not football it's not a tennis match it is a commitment that we're gonna work it out together and you want to always understand each other's perspective it's best you can you don't have to be good at everything this is this is of us as you do not have to be good at everything you do not have to be the perfect father you do not have to be the perfect mother you have to be there yeah I don't think that you're gonna you're gonna get your report cards too and they're gonna come back in with minuses and checks and pluses and - as life those woman and then they're here to get them and my parents got them and so forth and so on but amidst all of the minuses and the critiques talk to the kids who didn't have my father and didn't have my mother or their mother left them in a trash can and you begin to realize as intimidating as parenting is and being married is you don't have to be the perfect wife or the perfect mother or the perfect father but you do have to be there and you do have to contribute and you do have to bring something to the table and if the goal is to be perfect then who gets the prize right yeah I think I agree we can't you like I think as a young young father who didn't have a father I think that's something that I had to really put on and to learn that it's not about perfection and perfection is something that I kind of grew up with knowing how we grew up you know it was always a struggle as a fight so I always put on my best habit you know to bring some relief always trying to be perfect always trying to do things right and as a father I recognized you know my kids ain't perfect so it's like I find myself tense or find myself wrong and then having to come back into you know apologize or find myself in those spaces where I show my in my imperfectness if I I find it the most vulnerable places to have to come back to my 12 know to say you know what I'm I'm sorry baby you know when all I've ever known was right but I also see it spill over to the kids and I don't necessarily if you will of having to put on that that face of perfectness or perfection and I see my kids pick it up here and there and I think as I continue to grow and we had these conversations some of the things I recognized this is about showing up it's not necessarily about being perfect or I'm making it you know it's finest per se but it is about you know spending that quality time and those moments to really understand each other I understand what it is that our goal is as a family as a unit as husband and wife as parents that really makes those moments that much more special rather than just trying to hustle and bustle and be perfect for everybody to see so that's something else I'm learning that I'm taking in as well and watching you guys especially Tori and composite that's something I get a chance to witness and to consider because it's not about the perfection and I think it brings a lot more scars and problems trying to do that and recognize that you don't add up to perfection so that's something else too that we that I think we're being more intentional about well at least me especially I might be for me but being more intentional about the idea that it's not about being perfect but it's about doing your best and it's about being present I think it also helps those who are out there who say like if I had had this kind of family things would have gone different if I had this kind of mom I've added this kind of daddy there are struggles no matter what daddy no matter what mama you get you grow up in the castle you still have chaos you know that it doesn't matter there's always going to be those plus signs and minuses no matter what teacher you get no matter what life you you are you know fortunate enough to live and I think that it's important for us to be able as a community to give each other permission to not be perfect to give each other permission to feel to give each other permission to have a bad day to let our men I think that Kobe Bryant's passing away and the men being able to emotionally show their hurt and their pain really was a monumental experience for us as a community because we have lived so long telling black men they can't cry that they shouldn't show their emotions and that's a weakness that we were able to really give you men permission to be emotionally distraught about the situation and I think that when we give each other permission to feel to really be engaged with one another and the fullness there that things and homes can really change I don't think that we do a service a proper effective service if we show that everything is perfect and everything is going great and we never had a bad day every night I said and no one ever heard us and we never had any problems I think it's important for them to be able to see yeah I had some scars yeah that hurt me too yeah I'm still carrying some of the pain of what happened to me as a child and and it brings us together even the more I think speaking to bring together when I think about this quarantine and I don't want to be in insensitive to dependent because we know a lot of people are in pain but the quarantine part of it I believe is where a lot of healing is going to take place because because I know for me my eyes are better now I'm seeing things but not even happen to be getting to be I should say at home with the family 24/7 I'm seeing myself I'm seeing my marriage I'm seeing my relationship with with my kids I'm thinking differently I'm even even looking at the house and things that the house needs and various things it's all so I really think that there's a healing for families right now during this time to not be afraid to take a look to not be afraid to see and to remodel our homes perhaps maybe maybe all of our homes need to be remodeled in some areas maybe the home is good the foundation is great you know I'm not construction guy but all the walls are up but maybe we need some paint over there maybe there was a crack that I'd never even noticed was there and now I'm gonna begin to smell that and I think this quarantine has created an opportunity for that see each other through a filter of love especially being home to quarantine your 24 hours with that person something that she or he might say at the moment day you're feeling a certain way you're going to hear it different than what their intention was in the first place so I learned from Sarah that you don't hear it just because you're feeling good that day you hear through a filter of love so I might not be feeling well today but I'm listening to him through a filter of love I'm going to put this filter and I'm going to understand his intentions and not his words and that's important too for the communication to flow better so we can see those cracks and the wall that needs to be painted together as a union we're gonna see it clear for our family and the purpose our goal and we purpose our plan but we are going to get there we could have talked all night seeing your family through a filter of love allowing that filter to filter out sometimes how things are seeing or what was said or what happened or what didn't happen allowing people to be human and to grow I have learned that forgiving yourself is important and you can only do that as you forgive other people and that forgiveness is what holds the family together you're not going to have a perfect family you're not gonna have that that doesn't happen that doesn't happen if all of them left but you still wouldn't be perfect because you still in the room I want you to understand that you may have a perspective you may have a story it may be your story it may be your truth but there are also other sides to it I want to pray and believe God that things can be better in our homes in our lives what matters most to us the people dear is just because I see so many times a little that the enemy would fool around and mess up and allow you to be a success outwardly and then be miserable inwardly you need peace you need healing you need restoration you need the touch of the Holy Spirit to come into those relationships so that the enemy is not antagonizing you around the clock and I know from a lot of your texts and a lot of your emails and a lot of the times that I get a chance to communicate with you that many of you are being attacked in that area and I understand what that feels like I understand how deep the wound is but I also understand how great the Holy Spirit is to heal to touch to deliver to set free and you cannot allow the enemy to have your house you cannot allow the enemy to have your home in fact it won't be long from now I'm gonna consecrate some oil I'm gonna believe God and I'm gonna distribute some oil in this Cove yet 19 environment we need to go back to the old school way of anointing our house with oil and anointing the people in our house with oil and anointing ourselves or the oil if you do have to go to work if you do have to go out along with all the other up rudiments that the health people saying we ought to do it wouldn't hurt to anoint yourself with all and because the Bible said when the enemy comes in like a flood the Spirit of the Lord will lift up stand it against him

Channel: T.D. Jakes

Views: 217,233

Rating: 4.9112592 out of 5

Keywords: td jakes, faith, potters house, bishop jakes, The Potter's House of Dallas, TPH Dallas, td jakes sermons, bishop td jakes, inspiration, td jakes motivation, motivation, sermons, td jakes ministries, motivational speaker, motivational speech, gospel, motivational, td jakes sunday, td jakes 2020, td jakes sermons 2020, model homes 3, model homes iii, model homes, sarah jakes roberts, toure roberts, cora jakes coleman, serita jakes, dexter jakes, larissa jakes

Id: wbXfmcRh7js

Length: 54min 40sec (3280 seconds)

Published: Wed May 06 2020