Midweek with Dr. C- A Narcissist’s Emotional Vulnerabilities

hey team healthy how you guys doing today we're having a pretty good day down here in big Waco Texas uh had an easy start this morning I always get up early like significantly early morning my wife get a lot of stuff done here on the computer and all and then enjoy coffee and breakfast on the patio with my wife so been it's been a real good start of the day then back here doing some stuff so um anyway I'm glad to be here with you hey today we have an A a series of questions that I think is going to be pretty pertinent and it's going to be very very important for you to understand what you're dealing with we're going to be talking about how a narcissists have their emotional vulnerabilities there is so much going on beneath the surface that they can't come to terms with that that inevitably is projected or displaced onto you and the more you know about what's going on inside of their own internal chaos then the more W wisdom you can utilize as you try to respond to them so that's the whole thing now those of you who are new and I noticed we have some new folks here in our live feed uh U just know put the uh put the questions in the comment section below I'll pick up on them and I I really do enjoy listen uh hearing from you because it gives me an idea of what you're dealing with and frankly I've gotten several uh video ideas from from you and questions and all and then next week we'll pick up and ask more questions uh that you've sent in uh just a real quick aside you've probably seen that we've started doing some promo on my new course called anger Games took me about five months or so to get it all together uh and write it's 27 videos and uh you know producing the videos and then writing all the content that goes along with it and each each um learn each video has a lesson and each lesson has about 1500 words of handouts and content so it's quite bit of work it's like writing a book and so I've got all that out now and uh you know as to the cost we've tried to keep it on the low end of what these courses are the way I tell folks is think in terms of paying two sessions for a therapy session and you're going to get 27 lessons and so hopefully it'll be something that'll be very beneficial for you but uh it's so necessary for you to know how to manage conflict and anger because narcissist that's when they go into their game plan that's why I called it the anger games anyway just keep your eye out for all of that okay uh we've got a Full Slate of questions here I don't know how many of them I'm going to be able to get to but I want to uh answer the first question just because I received this question quite a bit I've answered it before but it Bears repeating one person asked how did you decide to specialize in anger and excuse me how did you decide to specialize in narcissism and uh it comes from my deep history of doing a lot of anger management work and writing and and conflict resolution I've done a lot of work uh with uh with people who have been arrested and and sent to counseling for anger management classes and things like that and then obviously the the individual counseling that goes with it and as one of the things that I've mentioned multiple times on my network is you can tell most about an individual's emotional maturity and uh and well-being by watching how they manage conflict uh in the midst of conflict that's where your real self and the real maturity or lack of has a chance to show up and so out of all of my anger workshops and writing and counseling with individuals I begin to see more and more and more clearly that people who struggle with their anger and conflict resolutions are typically the ones who are most selfish who are most controlling who are most entitled who are most condescending IE Superior who make up their truth as they go along the alternate reality they live behind a false self they incredibly defensive and as time went by it's like um this is narcissism and narcissism as you know is a pattern on a spectrum we all can have a prop propensity towards selfishness and control and insensitivities and defensiveness and superiority and low empty Etc but uh the healthy individuals say wait a minute I see it it's part of the human condition and and I'm going to do something to keep it contained and we keep it down what I refer to is maybe about the 20% level unhealthy individuals just let it run and it becomes so part of them that it becomes their dominant feature the whole pattern and they get above the 50% level 70% level and then you have NPD which is 90% and above where they're just so entrenched with it and so it's a pattern on a spectrum but it's it's something that shows up in many different ways so it comes out of my understanding of of anger management is where it comes from and U and so it allows me to speak when I talk about narcissism I'm not just talking about an ugly word or a name that you can call people it's it's about how you manage yourself especially when life gets to be a little tough okay uh okay speaking of anger I'm going to go into my first major question here and that is um can you please explain narcissistic rage and then uh this person throws a little bit of a backwards twist to it it says this person says is it possible not to have that the person in my life cuts off cuts off before any rage can happen they will cut you off physically and walk out on a conversation can they be narcissistic without rage now what this person is referring to is the difference between openly aggressive anger and passively aggressive anger uh when we think of narcissistic race we typically rightly so think of the narcissist who's just openly aggressive uh that when I talk about anger it's your emotion where you're trying to stand up in preservation for your worth as a human being or for your the legitimacy of your needs and your convictions but then uh the the unhealthy person in that moment of self-preservation does so at the other person's expense that's what the the definition of aggression is uh you're angry but you're doing it another person's expense so open rage narcissistic rage it's like yeah I'm standing up for me and it's a very selfish mindset and in their mind they're thinking and I do not mind one bit destroying you in the process that's the aggression when we talk about someone who is not a yeller or a screamer or gets physical or does the in your face but instead what they do is they go into their contempt and they just hold on with this seething anger and harsh condescension toward you make no mistake it's aggressive anger pass passively uh in in there are so many narcissists who and most of them would typically be more the the the covert narcissist who have their anger and they've decided okay I lose some of my power when I completely fall apart and flail emotionally so what I'm going to do is I'm going to go into an even deeper power mode by being koi about my anger and so if they're angry and you've upset at them and you want to talk it's excuse me well that's not supposed to happen all right let me see here got to turn that off don't I I apologize okay live TV okay uh when when the my Humanity shows up uh when uh when when narcist go into that high contempt it's their way of saying I hold you in such low regard I'm protecting me and I I hope it makes you squirm and when we talk about passive aggressiveness we're talking about frankly the ultimate form of control many of you are familiar with with John godman's research about you know what makes marriages fall apart and we can take his research and and apply it to other relationships Beyond marriage uh and he has criticism contempt stonewalling and defensiveness as as the indicators that something is very wrong and the number one ingredient that something is very wrong is contempt some narcissists don't go into the uh uh into the high outward rage but what they do is they hold on to their contempt which like I want to make you feel like the lowest of low and if this is the form of of anger that I can do then I'm going to do it so it's their own um evasive form of throwing a temper tantrum it's like I will not be reasonable with you I will not listen I will not have a sense of collaboration and hate and and harshness or just silent messages that they have uh now either way when you're uh in your open aggression or if in your you're in your passive aggression what you're basically saying with that aggressiveness is I'm in pain but I blame you for it and if you don't give me what I want you're going to pay and so um don't assume that if a person doesn't scream with that traditional traditional uh narcissistic race that they don't have rage on the inside it's there but it can it can come out in that more muffled kind of form and frankly uh the passive aggressive uh it's its own very very difficult um feature uh years ago when I say years ago 25 30 years ago I wrote an article for a Sunday magazine that was uh you know you remember these used have in the newspapers those Sunday parade magazines and all uh and it was entitled The passive aggressive always wins and uh and so because it's their way of saying okay I've got a way where I can send my message and I'll just make you squirm and you you're wondering what in the world's going on good I like it when that happens so uh it the rage is there it's just not as loud okay now another real interesting question and this goes into their emotional vulnerability um this person ask very simple do narcissist ever experience social anxiety now first of all the answer is yes uh when we think about an anxious person we we think we tend to think in terms of irritability and agitation and and uh you know just fretting and and just being tense and all and uh that's not at all uncommon with narcissist now very often um narcissist won't come off in the again they won't come off in the stereotypical way that you might think of with anxiety uh where they might ask questions like well what do you think this person is GNA believes about me or is this going to happen okay and they fret and all like that some of them actually do U but uh keep in mind that uh that narcissists are fear-based uh they're constantly wondering what's my standing here uh how do I measure up how do I stack up compared to the rest of you slobs out there and and so they're very judgment based and uh on the inside of their mind they can uh they can struggle with doubt even though on the outside they try to portray themselves as being you know pretty confident in who they are and so yes they can have social anxiety now typically again we go back to the anger issue a narcissist anxiety will come out as agitation or annoyance or irritability uh how many times have you had a narcissist that U it's like man they just they just seem to be one false statement away from being irritable again if I say something with theong wrong inflection in my tone of voice or if I bring up a topic that for whatever reason is a sore topic or say something that may may not have been a perfect way of stating things then they get all been out of shape that's their tension that's their fear that's their anxiety it's their way of saying I don't know what to do with you I don't know how to respond in a calm way with you and now you've got me all R up and then they turn around and do the blame shifting and and the uhuh the harshness and all the rest uh I've got to have what I want and if I don't get what I want then I'm G to I'm just going to start disregulated from the inside out and so it it may not always appear like social anxiety like we might stereotypically think of where the person is just riddled with doubt and and you know indecisiveness and things like that but make no mistake the anxiety is there uh in the form of tension annoyance irritability it's their way of saying when it comes to um having the eptitude to manage life I don't have it but instead of saying that and asking hey can you coach me which of course would be a nice way for them to manage it it's their way of saying watch me fall apart that's what I do best that's their anxiety okay uh now again staying with this theme of a narcissist who carries emotional vulnerability this next person ask are narcissists imprisoned in their own contemptuous anger now the answer there is 100% yes um narcissists are held captive by their own um disregulated emotion they they're in essence slaves if you will to their own um uh harsh and mean and and uh and dark emotions in other words they can't get away from it now if if you were to ask any same person would you like to be known for hate would you like to be known as somebody who is driven by um meanness and contempt toward other individuals the average person would say well no I don't want to be that kind of an individual and yet and even the narcissist might say no I don't want to be that but and of course when they feel that way they'll say well there only reason I feel that way it's because of you and they go into the blame shifting people don't want to be hateful as a general rule and so when you see someone that just keeps going back to their contempt and hate and bitterness it's like what's going on there inside of you something's there that you can't seem to shake and uh uh you can't come to terms with the fact that you're constantly in a bad mood or it takes very little for you to explode or to come down hard on someone do you not see how inappropriate that is and how it speaks very strongly to your own internal measure of um disarray and if the narcissist ever even do admit that uh they may say well yeah I'm in a bad mood today if they'll even go that far to admit that um but if they do admit it they they can't say you know this tells me I've got some serious soul searching to do they don't think like that instead what they'll do is they'll just um uh continue on in it and they'll they'll hold on to their contempt and rage and anger until you finally comply to make them feel better I've got to get you I'm putting you in charge of making me feel good and here's what you're supposed to think and do and hear the opinions and preferences and priorities you ought to have and if not I'm G to punish you and it's like can you just not let go and it doesn't even dawn on them to say I have a problem with my anger what they'll say is I have a problem with idiots around me and I have a problem with people who won't do the right thing meaning what I want them to do and the the lack of insight that they have keeps them Tethered to the very ingredients that they dislike you would assume uh or that that are bringing out the absolute worst and so when this person says are they imprisoned the answer is yes and this person goes on to say I'm forced to have brief contact with my ex because he brings my sons to see me at a location and the time I have to deal with him is very brief but he stonewalls me and can hardly acknowledge that I even exist so here she is it's like in those moments where we are doing the exchange with the children uh he'll just look at me with contempt or he'll pretend like I'm not even there and I find that to be except especially uh pitiable because what the the that father is apparently doing is uh is just registering with the mother uh I I just hold you in such low regard that I can't even look at you I won't speak your name and see my question is okay the best way to teach a kid something is to model it what are you modeling to those kids she say She's Got U two boys here uh what are you what are you modeling to those kids and the answer is hate I'm teaching my kids to hate the same people I hate and I just find that to be so sad that that somebody would say well okay the marriage was a mistake and uh we were not a good match but we did have kids together uh for the sake of the kids let's do what we can to maintain a Civility and uphold their relationship with the other parent in a positive kind of way I mean how hard is that but you have some people going back to that original question are they held captive by their own uh contemptuous nature the answer is yeah uh my my uh my own internal turmoil overrides common sense and that's the held captive and it's um it's pitiable because there are such there's such collateral damage that doesn't have to be there but nonetheless it is in in many cases in large measure um parental alienation which this would be on the the in the on the pathway towards that it doesn't happen is probably one of the most Insidious patterns that goes along with narcissism and grandparents and things like that it's one of the the most painful ways that they can interact with the world now this next one and again we're talking about a narcissist emotional vulnerabilities um this next one ask an interesting question and it's going to fall under the question of or or under the category of understand what the what's going on inside a person's subconscious mind okay this person says I don't think my husband has shame like you describe and you've heard me say that many times narcissists are fear-based or they're shame based this goes on to say he genuinely thinks that he is always correct and everything he says and does is completely Justified he's his mother's clone they're both self-righteous emotionally neglectful narcissist they both seriously do not feel shame at all everything is someone else's fault now I understand where she's coming from because when that narcissist comes along and uh is very inappropriate and makes your day go bad and and they uh mess up your plans they just walk along and say I had a good day and so when you say they don't seem to have any shame it's like yeah in the moment they don't but then uh you can see though that there's an in inappropriateness there uh they're they're willing to be rude they're willing to be condescending they're willing to be uh blame shifters Etc and at some level you'd like to think that they understand that there's a game going on of course they're they're not insightful or reflective enough to to look into that but you see that kind of behavior doesn't arise from a vacuum it comes from somewhere something on the inside of them something in their deep past predispose them to be that way and my contention is that it is in fact their unresolved shame from the past now as an adult uh they're so oblivious to the meaning of their behavior they're so oblivious to the root system that caused it that they uh neither illustrate that that that shame is in there anymore uh but it's there typically what happens is that young child who's going to eventually become a narcissist as an adult uh realized pretty early on usually this world has a very very strong judgment system uh I'm G to be graded I'm going to be judged I'm G to be told uh that I'm no good or I'm wrong if I do these things and then I'm going to be told I'm okay if I do these things and and and by by the way every time you tell a kid uh hey that was great uh you're giving them a threat U because the implication is if you don't keep doing it I'm gonna have to tell you how terrible you are so I I I encourage parents and adults to speak to kids more uh descriptively as opposed to judgmentally rather than saying hey that was great I might say something like I know that you were preparing and practicing for this for a long time and it it turned out just the way you wanted didn't it I'm so happy for you that's descriptive communication uh narcissists have nothing but U judgmental communication and uh in their minds it's like I don't like being on the low end of those judgments and then their peers begin to also buy into the judgments so as peers we communicate in judgments toward one another who's the cool kid who's the beautiful people who dresses well who's the the accomplished one etc etc who's attractive and all and so they live in a world of judgment and in their minds it's like oh I know there are some things in me that I probably be judged for you will not be able to see it as they grow older it's like I'm determined I'm not going to let people see my flaws I'm not going to admit to them I'm not going to discuss it what I am going to do is I'm going to become the pronouncer of judgment and so they go deeper and deeper into their Nar into their adult years with a notion that says well if I can simply be the one who routinely lets people know where they mess up if I can routinely show you know what I don't like about them then I win and so they they don't have any shame because they refuse to admit their faults they don't have any immediate sense of shame I should say um but nonetheless it's it's buried on the inside and uh it's it's there it's part of their not just need to but insistence upon being a judge uh if I'm the judge then I'm the final word and I don't have to worry about it and so uh she's picking up on the fact that uh he doesn't have shame but actually he doesn't acknowledge the shame that he's running away from okay so that's that's a different distinction it's in there but it's buried in its subconscious but it's very very definitely taking its toll on his way of dealing with life and apparently from what she says um he had a pretty good model and his mother who said hey son let me show you how to do it and he did it and so they're kind of a team in a negative kind of Direction everybody else's fault so uh just because they don't show it doesn't mean that the impact is not on the inside so and that's what we refer to as the subconscious okay uh by the way one of the ways that uh that people try to uh cover up their own pain and hurt is to try to stay in control if I can control you then we don't have to talk about my uncomfortable to topics okay that's what's going on um all right another question here Dr C if narcissist can't really emotionally connect are they experiencing feelings of loneliness isolation and despair or are they so shallow that their inability to connect is accompanied by no real need forh for close relationships at all with others okay this is a really interesting and an insightful question U by asking the question are they experiencing feelings of loneliness isolation and despair when they when they show they can't connect the answer is yes yes yes yes yes yes uh and uh and and and now how many times have you heard a narcissist say um I feel lonely none they're not psychologically astute enough or how many times they say you know that I just have this I'm in an existential crisis I'm not real sure what I'm going to do with my life because I just feel like I'm out here on an island all by myself and I don't know how to connect well um so they're not going to say that what they're going to do is they're going to be angry and they're going to say you don't understand me Bingo right there you don't care about what I need Bingo right there that's their feel that's their way of saying there's a disconnect between you and me and uh they they can't put the proper label on it loneliness but that's what it is I hate it when you treat me this way okay in other words I feel disconnected from you loneliness and so yes they have a lot of that and theirs comes out in their anger theirs comes out then in their mans here's what you need to do to connect better with me here's what you need to do to prop up my fragile ego all of that is Luminess driven now I'm gonna I'm gonna digress just a moment and I'm not going to get into the theory of where I come up with this that's for another time uh but when you have anger there are four other primary emotions that feed into the anger before it becomes anger okay you have your egotism your pride you have fear which is uh your inability to trust you have your loneliness which is um your disconnect from other individuals you you've not really learned how to have good connections and then you have your feelings of inferiority and inadequacy which includes your shame and guilt Etc Pride fear loneliness inferiority and then it tends to show up as anger and so when people would come into my counseling office with all of this anger I'm already thinking okay I know there's some subcategories under here that you're not really necessarily aware of or dealing with that's part of what we do in therapy so we go back to my original question how did you get into understanding uh narcissism well when you look at the anger and then you look at the uh the other primary emotions that feed into it uh then you begin seeing there's a much bigger picture going on here we need to Big Picture This thing and then that's when you realize it starts with that pride and egotism and it just flourishes and goes from there so so I think it's pretty insightful that this person is asking the question and then the second half is that are they so shallow uh that their inability to connect is a company by no real need for close relations with others well there's a shallowness there they they want close relations in the sense that they want admiration that they want you to give them Supply they want you to feed them feed them feed them um but it's it's not of a traditional nature where it's like I want to share my heart and I want to know your heart they they they uh walked away from that possibility a long long time ago but uh you know instead they just go into heavy demands and complaining they have no sense of nuance so but a great question there okay now this next one another very interesting question by the way as I was going through my my roster of questions here today I was thinking oh we got some loaded questions here in a good sort of way this person simply asked narcissists treat others so disgustingly how do they ever really feel good about themselves well that assumes they feel good about themselves now um many times narcissists feel smug many times narcissists feel complacent many times they feel Superior many times they feel uh like they U they're the ultimate answer person but is that um feeling good about themselves see let's throw in some some other words that would be a little bit more consistent with true uh internal well-being do you think of narcissists being peaceful I don't do you think of them as having contentment not really do you think of them as having gratitude and a thankful heart sometimes they can think hey good for you that you service me today but when we talk about feeling good about themselves contentment or peace are are a couple of the the primary terms that I would use that would uh really describe that they have that sometimes they can say it was a good day which means I got what I wanted or they can say I'm really happy because they beat someone or they uh you know in a competitive kind of way or they can say I've had a good day because U you know they were able to impress people with their you know skills and prowess and things like that and they were admired and all but when it comes to having those Quiet Moments of just um at one with nature at one with u you know just the meaning of life and goodness and love they don't really have that they want correctness uh they want admiration they want to be at the top of the stack but that's not the same as them uh feeling really good about themselves what they feel good about tends to be the superficial or the shallow or the measurable kinds of things as opposed to the lasting connections as an example I I have some friends that and when I'm with them it's like okay I'm in the presence of someone that I can just let my hair down with and they do the same with me and we can just be real and authentic and honest and sharing and affirming and there's a mutual appreciation for one another Ah that's good and narcissist they're too transactional you give me a b and c then I feel good you do these favors for me then I feel good or I show myself to be better then I feel good but it's it's temporal it's fake and it's almost always at the other person's expense and so do they really feel good about themselves not really not in the classic sense at least the way I would look at it so another very good question um all right the next question you ever hear the the notion that you can tell a lot about a person by watching how they treat little children and animals that's what this question is uh this person says um Dr C could you please explain why covert narcissists seem to loathe children I'm guessing it's their complete lack of empathy but it's so disheartening um okay when you're around little children does a three-year-old come to you and say hey tell me how tell me about your day and I've noticed that you have this interest how did you develop that interest you little children don't think that way I mean every now and then you'll um you'll hear a per a little kid say how was your day there was a kid down the street I was walking the Gus a while back and she's like eight years old and uh her name's Khloe and I was asking hey Chloe how was your day at school today she was telling me about it and then she just turned around and said well she calls me Mr Les Mr Les how was your day today and I thought what thank you for asking and that's almost a little unusual out of the the ordinary for an eight-year-old to say how is your day today um narcissists when they're around kids uh they don't like the fact that the adult tends to have to defer to the kid and U basically children are going to be self-centered until they're not and U and you have to be very patient with them and and you want to train them and teach them to show consideration you know you teach children about the goodness of sharing and being kind to other people um but it takes years or even decades for those skills to J and to come front and center and so as a result the narcissist is thinking I want to be in control and I've got this little kid who doesn't understand what I what I mean by that and so uh they feel out of control and as a result many times with narcissist um they they have an awkwardness now now other narcissistic individuals like being around kids for the reason that they can control them and tell them what to do but they tend to be a little bit more demanding Etc but um basically when you're around little children it it requires you to set aside your own ego to set aside your own hard hard agenda I mean obviously you have some um values that you want to live with with little children and you you go into a modeling mod uh role with him and narcissist like I just want to tell you what to do I had I had a this is a oh quite a number of years ago now a lady was U talking about her new son that was born it was her second son and her father had come to the hospital room and U someone said would you like to hold your new grandson and the father just looked and said not really everybody in the room was like really he said that not really and it was the father's way of saying I don't do tenderness I don't do gentleness uh that makes me look vulnerable that makes me look weak to go into that emotional space and I'm thinking hold that little boy uh love little children and let them teach you um little Laurel or little granddaughter we have these little caterpillars that are you know about an inch and a half of they're not poisonous u in our garden and uh she and I she was over here a couple weeks ago and lit Lally she and I spent about two hours um playing with fuzzy that became his name and getting getting them leaves in a jar and then we put him back in there and then let him have grass and all to eat on and fuzzy was a active little fella and U it's like I needed that time I needed that time that she allowed me to have because she was enthralled with a simple caterpillar and we talked about how it turns into a moth and her mother uh got a picture on the internet on her phone of what it's going to look like when it turns into a a butterfly it or a moth actually and it was the neatest thing narcissist is like a kid can't teach me anything well then you're wrong uh so it requires patience and tenderness and they don't do the hard connection and this person is corrected to uh to tie it to do they have a complete lack of empathy it's it's a lack of empathy you're not in touch with your own gentle side therefore it's difficult for you to pass it along to someone who could actually benefit by it they and they they don't know what they're missing okay this next question little pessimism at the front here but we we get to it person says Dr Carter I this person say I don't know if Dr Carter is GNA see this but I have a question well guess what I saw it and here it is and here you on front and center stage this person says are there people who have a YouTube channel such as yours but are doing it to get their own narcissistic Supply well I'd like to to say that every single person in my profession or sometimes they're they're not therapist but they are life coaches or they've got their own reason for being able to speak into the topic I'd like to say those of us who talk about the topic are completely altruistic um that we have uh loving and kind and giving reasons for doing what we do but the fact is that there are some individuals who uh will enter into a space that allows them to think of themselves as an authority and it's like oh I can make this word for me and so are there some people on YouTube who talk into the topic of narcissism who are there for their own ego needs their own narcissistic Supply yes there there's some out there let let's take that a little bit further uh some people will say well why are you uh why have you made an entire living you know making money uh on people who uh are hurting and my answer is the in the same way that a teacher um uh makes a living makes their money based on helping individuals learn what they Le to learn or a physician or a plumber or an electrician or an attorney or an accountant Whoever has a certain skill set can say may I help you um there there comes a point when you're a therapist or or in some sort of position yeah you're going to make a living doing that uh you don't need to be outrageous in terms of you know how far you're going to go with that but beyond that you can't fake kindness and you can't fake sincerity I mean you can for a while but over the long period of time it's either in you or it's not politicians religious leaders um you can go into that space for healthy reasons I I have a particular angle I have a particular Insight I have a particular ability or training that might help someone else and I I'd like to dedicate my life to do that and that I'd like to say that's where I'm coming from uh I don't want to say I'm perfect in everything that I do but um uh for me I know my work is is less of a job and more of a calling and it's just something I I way back when I was a little kid I remember being interested in knowing some of the insides of other individuals and I was this little eight-year-old kid that would ask the Curious questions why do you feel this way or how why did that person respond like this and and it's just it's in me and so I was able to Parlay it into a a very rewarding career and then I do this because it's a way of extending myself and and I'm grateful that I get to do it into my later years there are other individuals that's like hey let me try that you look like you're having some influence let let let me see what I can do and I'll be honest there there are those who'll say well I'm a self-aware narcissist and I'd like to help you um you'll notice that I I won't interview those people on some of my interviews uh because it's like okay if you're you're a self-aware narcissist why why do you want to continue to to say yeah I'm a narcissist why don't you do something about the narcissism part and I just smell exploitation coming that's I'm just being super honest with you on that and it just uh you know maybe they'll say you know you need to not do this and do this instead when you're around people like me it's like okay you're probably right on that but there there's just something that doesn't pass the smell test though but anytime you you have a position that allows a certain authority to be there then narcissism can sneak in and some individuals will say well I'm going to make that work for my behalf and taking it away from me as a therapist or people on YouTube and going and I'm picking lowline fruit let's say to the world of politics uh I I've known some individuals who've gone there's a guy I went to college with who was a congressman and um I I'm I so appreciate when someone says uh I have a a for for the kind of thinking that's required for that kind of job and I really want to be helpful and and have a true servants heart and they and when they go into that they're not power hungry they're not egotistical but it's like no I always want to be uh someone who listens well and who represents people well that you can have positions like that unfortunately there there's a shortage of those kind of folks I I refer to them as the Statesmen or the states women uh who can think that way and the same thing in business or the same thing in the field of medicine uh there you like to think that people do that as an act of kindness and Service as they make a living along the way but it doesn't always work out that way okay so yes I did see your question now let's let's see where we go here all right this next one it's uh again this goes to the emotional vulnerability and this one's just a head scratcher this person says a former close friend of mine ended a fouryear affair several months ago it would probably still be going on if his wife hadn't found irrefutable evidence now as people are finding out about him living a double life he complains to me that people should forgive how do I explain that forgiveness is not the same as going back to normal as if nothing had happened now in this case um you've got this person that says well I'm very willing to live a double life I got my family life over here and that's not working out very well and so I'll remain in the role that I have to remain in because it helps prop me up I guess in all my other kind of Endeavors but I'm gonna have my um girlfriend off to the side here in four years that's a that's that's not just incidental that's a deep deep commitment and it's also means that you have a double life going on of a a major kind of way I'm going I'm willing to go over here and so finally when people find out that you're willing to do that uh yeah I mean there's there is forgiveness in the sense that uh you know if if people around is not going to they're not going to just look at that person and say I judge you or I condemn you or you will never be able to have any kind of normaly in your life again but there are just times when you make decisions like this fell apparently did that U consequences are going to catch up with you and uh people are going to think rightly so I don't think you're trustworthy uh I I think that you're a proven liar or you obviously have an an attitude of entitlement uh you're phony what you preport to be on the outside is not what you are on the inside there's so many things that that one longstanding pattern reveals about you that um I don't know that I want to join forces with you and um uh make you a part of my inner circle because if you're willing to do something like that over a long protected period of time with someone else like your wife and then the girlfriend and all the huge collateral damage that goes along with all of that then how in the world can I have any confidence that you're going to do the same with me and so that person that has the affair says well you're just not being forgiving it's like no this isn't about forgiveness forgiveness means you don't owe me anything I I I don't require you to pay me back uh any kind of debt that might have occurred because of your your many behaviors I'm going to I'm going to move on but it also means uh I'm I'm just going to apply wisdom and when I connect with people I want to make sure that I connect with people who know what to do with the relationship and that's not the same as a lack of forgiveness and the fact that this person is complaining you're not forgiving me what they're basically saying is I want you to just let me off the hook and just let let's just be normal that's an overwhelming entitled attitude that that person is maintaining and it's to the point to where it's like uh you know people still owe me you know the my wife didn't give me what I owed so I went and got it from some place that was uh illegitimate and I'm squandered and wasted and did who who knows what kind of dishonest kind of things there but I got what I wanted and then now that's over I still want what I want it's like man you gotta lay that down and for the best way that you can tell that a person is ready for forgiveness is for to say I don't deserve it um I don't deserve forgiveness what I want to do is I want to spend the rest of my life figuring out what it means to be a good person and I want to reclaim my sense of Integrity uh and character along the way and if others would uh would be willing to receive me back I would be grateful um but they don't owe me anything and and that would be the sign that says okay you're in a you're in a ready position and usually it doesn't happen overnight it's a longstanding kind of thing thing and uh this person doesn't get it so how do I explain that forgiveness is not the same as going back to normal as if nothing happened you might be able to sit down and say what I just said to that guy um but I don't know that it's going to get you too far uh but just know you're dealing with somebody who is is not willing to come to terms with their own internal pain and and the pain that they've caused okay uh we're going to wrap it here for today and I want you to see that U by virtue of these questions and there are many others that we could could ask that were unparallel there are so many individuals who are caught up in their own narcissism who themselves have all sorts of internal emotional vulnerabilities and pain and hurt and confusion but instead of saying I'd like to deal with that what they do is they shift uh their U the attention away or they blame or they rationalize or they project or whatever and I'm hoping you can see through it because inevitably they're going to come around and say well if I've got problems you did it and do not play that game do not bite when they give you that know what you're dealing with and in doing so make your plans accordingly uh and these are individuals who can't really be on your inner circle with you that's for sure so team healthy one one of the things that I so want for you is for you to have a a well-informed mind and a well-conceived idea of what healthiness is so that when you encounter someone one who's not on the same page with you you don't you don't have to hate them you don't have to condemn them but you can say I'm on to you and and I'm going to go in my own separate path by the way we have a word for that it's called Boundaries and U you can live inside your well conceived standards and values and uh that's how you find your sense of well-being I'm so glad that we have Team healthy here some of you are new uh spread the word if you got friends family that that need to uh to pick up on the message we have here send over send videos to Etc thank you for letting me be on your journey keep sending those questions in and same time same station next week I will see you then hope you have a good rest of the week bye

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 9,792

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Id: XVJSU05ossk

Length: 47min 15sec (2835 seconds)

Published: Wed May 01 2024