MICHAEL AKADIRI: NO SCRUBS (FULL STAND UP SPECIAL!)

[Music] at least I got your love on my back said he making me laugh so that I gotta thank the Lord above us slow pockets in these words but at least I got you yeah got you I just wanted to say thank you wish me luck man I'm a Scrub but you still love me [Music] [Applause] thank you so much London when I say no you say scrubs no no that's the energy we gotta have all evening if you don't know what's going on my name is Michael akadiri and this is my show called No Scrubs and it's called that because you'll never catch me right in passenger side of my best friends all right we're doing karaoke tonight that's what we did not messing around it's called No Scrubs because I'm a junior doctor in the NHS thank you that's so kind three years ago without the standard Ovation but I'll take that that's cool that's all you got for me London that's cool but before I get into the show man does anyone here actually work for the Health Service okay I could have done this show at the hospital okay so I've got a couple of you here what's your name and what do you do for the health service please give it off for Joe and the dentist [Applause] that's the LHS you pay for that's that different Habit in the chest you're on a different team to us about thank you Joanne for your custom what about her I heard a little noise here for the NHS oh will she oh I wasn't even ventriloquist okay we'll do both of you young lady what's your name and what you do give it up for a hell under nurse and a GP practice absolutely brilliant and not to leave you out what's your name and what you do give up very Psychiatric Hospital oh my goodness and that's what we're already there I actually like having medical people at my shows man so you guys have any medical complaints these are the people to go to do not look at me I am of Duty all I've got up here is jokes but people say laughs is the best medicine but no one wants to find out not that we've been to the back of the ambulance and said no don't take me to a e bring me to the pleasant theater these jokes will save me Now by being a comic doc.com it's got me some fans though like I had a guy put tickets to see me because and I quote it's the quickest way to get a doctor's appointment and mid-show he was hitting me with all these medical heckles it was like oh I'm wheezing and the wickedest fingers symptoms of medical emergencies actually encourage a comic so what you're doing really well on stage all you want to hear is is I can't breathe no you're killing me which is a mind [ __ ] for me could have documents that Raw should I go out or the comic could be said no keep going don't stop cheering them saying no I'm dead I'm deceased and here that's great but we're here at work I [ __ ] up do you see my problem I'm Nigerian so becoming a doctor was not my choice it was my destiny I didn't just graduate I fulfilled my mother's prophecy to me with no cookies but to everyone else this woman of God who had a vision that I'll become a doctor even though she's only got one eye this Layla from Futurama could see medicine in my future and call me a non-believer but I call worship London cover vision was so good why did she warn me I was gonna lose my hair prematurely why why but my mom she don't ask some type of questions she's like Josephine talks to Jesus I'm like well so does Jerome Outside The Bookies and she's like no she turns to the Lord I'm like look she may speak to him but we don't know how close they are not but he didn't write about her in his book and even Judas got a shout out do you understand what I'm saying I'm just pissed off man because I met this prophetess two times in my life but she'd be taking credit for All My Success do you know what it's like it's like doing a group project and you've done the Lion's Share of the work but when it comes to presenting she's all up in there like she did something now I know how Nicole Scherzinger feels about the Pussycat Dolls now I understand the names of those other dogs my cat man medicine can be nameless too I understand it I remember I saved this old lady's life brought her back from the brink the brim Reaper is calling her I blocked I thought the first thing she said to me when she came to the first one she said to me what she came to was thank you Jesus if you weren't for me you would have met Jesus thanking me my cat my medicine's altruistic you gotta put your patience first even to the detriment of yourself for example I know how to treat a stroke Act Fast call 999 supposedly though you know medical 999 from the hospital I didn't know that advice was just for civilians but there we go I know how to treat a stroke but apparently my stroke game needs treatment that's why Mrs said to me during our annual performance review so to spice things up we get these matching onesies Batman and Catwoman and she told me to undo my back and lie on my front oh you're gonna give me a full Swedish my favor but what she did was she gets a vibrator and shoves it up my ass a whole eight inches the only sweetest thing she gave me was Stockholm syndrome I was terrified and I don't know about you guys man but down there for me it's only one-way traffic she's got respect my highway code some line on my front sheets she's on my back I just feel the sudden voltage the Duracell bunnies within a number of me and then I flip out and she goes flying and I'm looking at her like no man don't tell me she's knocked out but no one's gonna believe she assaulted me first no one he's gonna believe me then the second two she comes through she's like oh my shoulder oh you've got two of them I've only got one ass why the hell plow my anus she said she wanted to reset my G-spot said that [ __ ] was never set in the first place so we go to the hospital on these matching onesies and the doctor's like so what happened and she said oh we were play fighting I'm looking at all I work so she knows I'm not playing but now he thinks we're fighting for real says about the room now she did just take my host Unity and I'm standing outside the room and I know what he's saying to her because I've been trained to say the same thing too he's that was it more playing was it more fighting did he hurt you you feel safe to go back of him I feel like rushing in there said me and my ass don't feel safe that's you don't receive hey that's just a little excerpt people to show you guys that when I'm not in my scrubs I could look like a scrub you can look like a villain and that's essentially what this show here today is about it's about my life in the NHS my life outside and how these scrubs not any onesies but these scrubs had been caught fighting for my freedom because I think the general public see us in these scrubs and think where these Untouchable Heroes with naturality our positions can be quite precarious but if you only take one thing away from the show protect yourselves from those anal attacks just protect yourselves my wife but I'll come I come from an NHS family like my mom she's a psychiatric nurse just just like you in that theory and you know what I think this dress is getting to her because she called me the other day and she asked me for my date of birth and I was like raw like weren't you there she's asking me that she weren't involved not normal early this afternoon I was marinating some land because I'm doing all right in life and she was like you better cook that today otherwise it's gonna expire and I was like oh so you remember the date of that some [ __ ] Ram that's the thing my mom she's too gas prone man she's like a Nigerian Allen Park true come on before me one time and he told me he planned to set up a widow support group for the Sisters I said you know what Mom that's all well and good but first and foremost does dad know is that where are these plans I think he should be but before you update your Facebook state is the Widow and he's lacking the post I just think there should be that line of dialogue I want to reassure everyone man my dad is alive and well and I pray I pray that continues can I get amen because that man has got debts and it's gonna need some time don't take him before he's paid Lord don't take him my dad had four Sons man and my older brother Charles man when he went to UNI he picked up poker but my mum she's a stalked Christian she don't [ __ ] around with no oh cause she told him straight don't come to me when you blow all your money because we all know the house always wins one evening he wins 50 Grand that tournament and she was like as I said this house always wins we are winners with my commission for rearing you where is my money but when I got Judy though I really struggled financially I was financially stricken I was on my knees like an atheist when there's turbulence I really struggled financially it got so bad London it got so bad I'm embarrassed to say this but I I started diluting milk so what I'll do I buy one pint of blue mix it with water to get four pints of red and when you do that let me tell you your Rice Krispies do not snap crackle or pop that is for God damn should I try too many times that's why I [ __ ] the Quaker Oats now because they don't mind the little water they don't mind them Quakers are good people man they're good because they're living proof them quick I went to Nottingham uni and I don't know if you guys heard this yeah big up no no I don't think I've heard this but there was a girl from there who was recently awarded the black student of the year which is commendable right I could just move you and him to try that again where the whole movement freeze God I don't know if you heard about it [Music] saw those black squares and Instagram I saw that [ __ ] so let's try that again um the other girl from there who was recently awarded the black student of the year which is commendable right it's more like it but the small problem I had the disc and it's just a small problem the girls seriously she was Asian but was identified as black and I don't know London I don't know where we got so PC that we can't call this type of nonsense up so in return because I work in healthcare I'll put myself forward for the Asian doctor of the year so PC they gave me runner-up you guys are laughing remember Dr Patel unhappy man Dr Patel I'm gonna go for the gold this year I know my people in Mumbai will vote for me I know don't do me that solid then once you graduate med school you've got to do something called foundation training it's where you do a few different jobs to get a feel of what you may like to do in the future and one of the most popular jobs during that period is something called geriatrics and it's good to see a few of you guys looking so well and with that said makes a change with that said I'll let you guys in a little secret about geriatrics yeah anytime any of your patients gets cremated obviously after they've died you get will get the right order you get an 82 pound check you get four scores and some more and they call that Ash Cash 82 quid for front of corpse in a furnace and obviously we don't do the foreign ourselves London I've asked they won't let us but what ask aspects the question whose side are we really on because on the side of life they don't pay NHS staff enough but on the side of death they're giving out bonuses so what type of fuckeries do they want to see how did Franklin Gerald Who start on geriatrics and I hate to break it through London he was making a killing they started calling him Harold who was shipping so many man to the morgue and I said look my map to keep you off the ward to keep those patients safe did I start the geriatric so my Fortune's done at 180 I started using the words I didn't know I was in my vernacular like keep the change put it on my tab four pints of full fat milk please I started saying words I've never said before when I was enjoying the money did not know where this was back in 2016 the BMA that's the junior doctors Union announced that Junior doctors were gonna strike because we weren't happy with our pet and I was like first of all there's no meat and we you're gonna [ __ ] up my Oshkosh tray and second of all if we all strike man who could look after those patients huh who's gonna do that that's why they instruct you in that period I stayed behind and I collected those checks that's why these kicks right here recursive Maureen man courtesy or take Footsteps in a memory every day okay I also retained through this more Fertility clinic complete view me London it's not easy looking a man in the eye and telling them that he's sperm ain't potent that assumers are drowning it's not easy especially when you know your [ __ ] is formidable like Michael Phelps like I'm Nigerian I could just look at a post-menopause a woman and get her pregnant that's how potent Nigerian sperm is I don't know if you heard about Nigerian sperm by it it comes with its own egg it's like all in one like I had a fresh delivery you can get that spermin egg combo pack if you get it had a young guy come into the clinic not older than me man I was like look man you check your sperm count diligently number three to tell you that your count is zero drop down his face and he said you mean to tell me all this time I didn't eat a condom is going to speak his lawyer about this is an interest for this because we want for loss of bareback opportunities I'll take it to trial for the lack of ushi goose you can't he tried though well one of my favorite drugs during that period is something called obviously Psychiatry and I tell everyone man you gotta protect your men who as much as your physical there's no point eating five a day if you're gonna feed your mind conspiracy theories [ __ ] but before they would let us all that the cashi's class of award they said we're gonna do two days of mandatory defense training I said two days is is that enough how long obviously my dad is calling kid how many years did it take you to train to keep other people's teeth safe so it's taking that eight years to keep your teeth safe but when it comes to our safety we're only given two days 48 hours I can't become Jackie Chan in the weekend I can't and I remember the first day of this training session the instructor says this is what you've got to do if someone comes to you with a fork because apparently and it just cuts I've now reached Cutlery so he said if someone comes to you with a fork all we need to do is alert and divert which is Corporate speak for scream and run instead of teaching of MMA he just told us to be M.I.A that's all that one I didn't even bother with the second day because I already know how to defend myself for vibrator attacks I didn't bother I remember I had my first shift later that week man it was dark it was wet it was raining it was a Tuesday evening so it felt like I was going to play an away game at Stoke and I had like a room dark like this and I walk onto the ward and all I see is a figure in the back and he starts singing the Fugees at me so all I hear is ready or not here I come I can't hide I'm a find you and let me tell you something London I took off like Mo Farah I screamed I ran I did the mobile the whole [ __ ] and apparently that patient thoughts that with every new staff starter so whenever he gets out me and him are going on tour because that is [ __ ] hilarious that is absolutely brilliant could that regular folks from that world like you and I regular people man like I remember those young guy who had this real bad schizophrenia but he was a big wrestling fan like me Randy Orton who's at the Wayne Rooney of the WWE was his favorite wrestler and he would always play the Randy Orton theme tune so every time the nurses walk past his room all they will hear is is I hear voices in my head they count to me they understand they talk to me and the nurse would be like oh my goodness he's relapsing I'm like no no no it's just a wrestling theme tune he's all good don't inject him he's all good then a week later he tried to chop his dick off and I was like oh [ __ ] maybe he was relapsing maybe he was and I was there singing it with him I was there singing it with I thought we were reciting lyrics but mama was making a declaration I didn't if I knew it was serious I would inject it in myself I had voices no you don't know my shift man was he shut the [ __ ] up when I'm here that's too much paperwork then you gotta get to a point where you got the side point you want to specialize in and I always think it's good to run that decision by your spouse your significant other I remember I came home one day I was like babe my tutor thinks I make a very good gynecologist that she's like no the [ __ ] you won't because there's no way I would be married to a coochie inspector I said actually it's inspector coochie but there we go ladies in the room Ladies of London Make Some Noise if you let your man or partner work as a gynecologist [Applause] scattered Applause in the corner okay I remember I thought when I done the show up in Edinburgh asked that same question a young girl was like yeah I don't mind if he has a passion for it I'm like okay um you know I don't think passion's the right words you're gonna eat passion and a job with it if you sir why'd you become a gynecologist well have a passion for [ __ ] you can you cook when can I start please when can I couldn't do it man I want to make it clear London I want to make it very clear I'm not a gynecologist I'm not I've had people come up to me after shows I'm not a gynecologist I'm just getting that on record I'm not a gynecologist no I couldn't do it I couldn't do it because I did it man and it's you know what I've cooked it's what it's what it can't be seen to be enjoyed [Music] even though it's a career you've chosen you call me at work the vaginal examination you can't be grinning like you just found treasure you can't do it you've got to have a poker face and that is something Dr Malachi love Robinson didn't have if you don't know who he is some people already do if you don't know who this young man is he was a 17 year old from Florida who opened up his own Guinea Clinic I want to hurt this I said oh my goodness this boy is a prodigy my people need to hear about this retweet then the headline continued and said we're not attending the day of medical school undo retweet can't have this [ __ ] on my timeline so when you graduate medicine in the States you get something called the MD it's like a master of medicine he said he didn't need that because it's already an MP a master of punani he said he's the pum pum healer the calipers feeler those were his words not mine I use anatomical terms and the wicked his finger man he had his own staff he had his own Clinic he even had a graduation style photograph on the wall but in it he didn't have a gown a degree hot a scroll all he had was a lab coat an official price stethoscope flight by his family too busy grinning to ask so where are your classmates why aren't we at a medical school why were in the photography studio behind the Popeye's Chicken where are the answers to these questions I joked man but I think it's a very sad indictment on the American Healthcare System that he was allowed to practice obviously out in the states is based on what you can afford and that's what I think we should be very proud of the system we have here is not the best system it's system where you've got to go to a comedy show to see a doctor but still it's a system which is based on your needs and not what you could afford to pay so I think it should be very proud of what we have here [Applause] thank you oh yeah he went to prison by the way I should have left he's not free on these streets he went to prison for two and a half years I feel he deserved more because two and a half is not the Terran to an in cell that is an invitation that is not long enough lockdown felt that prison though do you know what lockdown was like for us NHS start if I'm going to give you guys an analogy it was that being sent out to deal with fire that we couldn't see with a fire engine that didn't have a hose and we went to the government said hey by the way um this fire engine you guys gave us that [ __ ] ain't got no hoes and the government like oh my you know what I'm gonna do for you we're gonna clap and that was their whole motives of operandi you found that fire and we will applaud you [ __ ] Dickens man [ __ ] [Applause] I'll get some help let me get some Pops from other institution we did get some perks my favorite part of I'll be honest with the supermarket Q jump um do you remember what your favorite perk was oh no lady behind you sorry no no you don't have to rgp nurse do you remember what your favorite part was you just block that period at your memory I respect it what about do you remember what your favorite Park horse I didn't get no 10 percent why what did you go I need to find out I'm angry about this now I've been a good mood oh I'll try it I'll try it next time I go shopping I'll try that no let me tell you guys like about the supermarket huge job obviously Thursday eight o'clock you guys are all out there banging your pots and pans but when it came to Jumping them queues they might don't look some of you guys were giving us it was like it was like it was like King Charles anytime he sees Archie just bear dirty looks what's the documentary so I remember through the queue one time and then this guy that [ __ ] that Jake stops me security this ground rule is pushing in a freaking wrath what about me is giving him the impression that I'm not on the front lines and I realized that day I was wearing a hoodie so when he saw me he said no this guy can't be saving lives he's more likely to take one bad time for him that day and I pulled out my NHS ID as soon as he saw it he was like crashed on the bike my apologies that he ran off hopped on a penny farthing and he just rode off into the distance probably in the direction of a waitrose and the following week I came to the supermarket like a full kit one car had my scrubs on my stethoscope on the whole bank I was like John Terry after Champions League final how cute they were applauding me like has won an election they're like oh Michael how Ard Gold Michael had my name tag on they're like oh my God London I was this close to twerking now this goes to making a cut for the NHS then I get to the front of the queue now and I forgot my ID Oh my days I've never paid to get a supermarket like it's a nightclub in my life oh that big man please he was only five foot four but a big man please if you let me in here you will never wait four hours in any again I swear I'll call the Pediatric team see right away and then he ain't like that do that no ID no entrance at Napoleon please don't make me look like I've been working during the pandemic please have to stand at the front of the queue and I went on my phone and I use Sainsbury's Wi-Fi to do a Tesco online shop so they can taste that [ __ ] difference they can taste that [ __ ] That's it man if you don't live by the scrubs they will see you as a scrub for example man if I wanted to make some extra change yeah custom claps don't pay I couldn't start on only fans where them claps do pay do you understand just so we're all on the same page does everyone know what only fans is someone said that with some conviction over there man okay check your phone who you subscribe to want to make it clear London if I started only fans I wouldn't show any ass I'm not going in man I wouldn't make any money so what I would do I'll go to the fetish Market because that's a million dollar market I know I'll go out in the states he makes five grand a month showing her claws and then nothing special whilst my left foot yeah my left foot is an athlete's foot Survivor do you have any other survivors in where's my East boys and E skills in the bill all right some of you are lying statistically but anyway you're nasty free I don't know that GP practice I had a few summers ago we would just come out the pandemic and I was properly self-conscious about it so what I did was I put Armani fragrance packaging on my anti-fungal spray so I'll be at this pool party he's a good advising pool party just topping up at the pool side people like what are you doing Michael I said look it's just Armani baby just Armani from my head to my toe not everyone can afford this JoJo but I want to jump in the pool because that's how pandemics start I'll stay right on the outside then Hugo comes and he [ __ ] up the script Google comes with Michael why are you not jumping in is it because you can't swim now that's a dilemma people that's a dilemma because on one hand I don't infect the whole pool but on the other hand I don't want to reinforce racial stereotypes so what the [ __ ] do I do I'm gonna ask my dentist friend what would you have done to my scenario in that scenario your challenge what would you have done you wouldn't do you want to reinforce The Stereotype oh my goodness I Dive Right In the easy to treat athlete's foot that it is a stereotype an hour later I'll go into the toilet and oh these guys come in complaining about itchy feet oh it sounds like you've got athletes foot boys but luck if you guys I got just a thing for you but look at this Armani I'm gonna have to charge you I've came out one of them night club vendors all that no spray no day no Armani no there we go Man karaoke gotta live by the scrubs or they'll see you as a scrub like for example more time I just want to be a young guy from London that's the fee what we're role model the time in healthcare from the young guy from London I remember this one patient he was kind of a big guy I was like look man am I professional opinion you got to lose a little bit of weight and you can start by eating right half an hour later I could you know we both see each other in Dixie Chicken I was so embarrassed and I just paid for his chicken and left man how to go to Greg's Greg is more low-key for me but I'm trying to eat better though I'm trying to eat better but I find it difficult because people bring treats in the office when people bring treats into respective establishments you guys found out who brought them in or do you dive straight in what do people do what do people do diving I know I know people are doing days I know that man so I was even my last job 's pack or Krispy Kreme Donuts I left them on the counter I'll come back at lunch time I was like who who ate my Donuts who ate my Donuts well Shaggy was in the room do I ever said it wasn't me everyone's denying the hell up I said look they're not even for me they're for my nephew he's four years old today who ate my donuts and one guy came forward I don't know who this guy is we had the glazed beds I know we had several he was at my bad I didn't know so my pastor enough for me gonna learn a lesson today my friend got a lot of [ __ ] lessons today with my nephew man he's even got cancer this could be his last birthday and you guys are out here eating these donuts and one girl came forward she's like oh my goodness I feel terrible I'm gonna go out and replace those donuts and she comes back an hour later with donuts from Audi Krispy Kreme Audi I was at Audi Donuts you trying to get him before the cancer like what are you trying to do here my guy has anyone here down the donuts that's why you're all still here that's why you can attend the gig I'm yet to meet at Alito not Survivor I'm yet to me one of them [ __ ] as you can tell my number a big kid at heart and now I've actually got the money to do the things I've always wanted to do like there's this trampoline park right by my house it's called jumping trampoline and I've always wanted to go but I tried to go there recently but they said I couldn't go because I was without a child apparently the jump safety in the trampoline need to be accompanied by a child chaperone but I said who's kids and I borrow where can I rent a child do these crashes some black kids then I fought by my niece she's at six she's great so I grabbed her I was like let's go shoot that what about school I said let's go we're on our way to the trampoline park she's like this is gonna be a great day out but little did she know she'll never be there as my guardian so we're at the trampoline park she's jumping I'm jumping she's like oh my goodness uncle look how high I can jump I said look this ain't about you is about me I don't know if you guys have been to a trampoline park but you've got your own respective squares it's like your own respective perimeter and you're meant to respect your boundaries and I don't know what overcame Me Maybe the inner British in me came out because I started encouraging other people's squares and when I get to this new Square I see in the corner there was this three-year-old jumping and obviously obviously gravity had already decided the outcome but why now what I will say is no man this kid he needed to get his weight up because I thought I pulled out the childhood obesity crisis but no one told this child Marcus rashford didn't feed everyone so as soon as I landed this kid he got lost like a North Korean missile he was soaring I was like [ __ ] billionaire just give me the first baby in space he lands in the soft play now and the dad comes up to me I'm like look I don't know what I could say to you sir I don't skip leg day there's a lot of if I meet here that's what it's called velocity in that job and all the other kids come back to me that oh my goodness sir can we do that too I said look we can only do that if you agree to be future child chaperone so now I've got this long log book for these young people's numbers for trampoline Services only because young people man they don't care if you're a boy or girl who do you scrub black or white all they care about is if you're a fun person to be around and with that said does anyone know any trampoline parks close by here if I find one you see me that's more of a Chinese kid mind your business mind I'm the Asian doctor of the Year mind your business I've always actually wanted to work at the Pediatric Hospital close by here man Great Ormond Street very prestigious Hospital man and I was outside there not so long ago and I got questioned London question tell me your honest opinion is it rude is it rude to get change from Buskers okay hit me up hit me up hit me up oh that's that great woman Street hospital and there was this guy singing Michael Jackson Tunes before was a little bit insensitive like that wouldn't have been my first choice but pepper pig was available but he was decent so I pulled the teller out from my pocket as soon as he saw it his eyes lit up which told me he knew he went worth the 10 pounds he's probably worth two pound at best so I put the tether in his pot and then start getting my change up and then Eagle will offended was on the wrong day no London you need to tell me was on the wrong day well two back and I took about nine pound nine years my mom does that church all the time now my wife pays her type though I think she's just trying to repent from assaulting me I think that's all that is but I do love my wife man and make some noise if you're in love Make some noise towards isn't that because when you tell people you're in love they always they always ask you that question would you take a bullet for your part would you sir yeah anywhere leave my head alone please what about what about you sir with our dentist would you take a bullet yeah man we're not being the allegations put down hold down man it's crazy you know what maybe that's not really a relevant question for us out here in Islington we're not in I don't know Tottenham or some [ __ ] relevant question the more telling question is do you kiss your partner with their morning breath yeah Make Some Noise if you do that not so enthusiastic now can you guys you guys like me because my partner rolled over and I thought my nose was blocked till I spoke that fresh oh baby look I love you my grandma take that bullet man I'd rather take I don't need both of my kneecaps please no but my message man she works for the whole service too she's a junior doctor as well she's doing a ride for herself and two of my exes are also very very successful so this has got me thinking London is this all because of me or maybe maybe it's in spite of me I don't know I talked about one of my exes yeah one of my exes is an MP she is an MP and I'm gonna say labor MP because I want no one thinking I slept with pre Patel but let's have some fun let's have some fun let's imagine that one night stand yeah I wake up in the morning she's like Michael I'm gonna get you a couple I'm like okay pretty that's cool man you're gonna point where the expenses yeah that's cool man then half an hour later I'm in the cup like what where the hell are we going I didn't know I need you bro what the [ __ ] pretty don't do this to me Mr for your driving now but with you next month I like doing that bit man look but it's 2023 there's so much diversity in the labor party so you guys don't know what black woman I'm referring to well I'm sure this was the 1980s you guys would be like and maybe it's Diane you don't know maybe a lot more Mojitos on the train too you don't know if you're hearing the news I thought that's pregnant do you know who was looking at her you know that was but that's it man like even relationships in the workplace it's difficult man they come like love Island you don't know who's dating who you never know who's married to who man like my misses professionally she goes by a doctor maiden name because she said she doesn't know how well my comedy career is going to go so she's hedging her bets well sometimes I get mixed up too like some [ __ ] I say on the stage I know I can't say it work but I forget where I be sometime I get my wires crossed I was talking to one of my professor older guy cool guy man wearing the canteen just chopping it up and I started confided in him I was like look man this Gerry tradition you guys just hired she's not my cup of tea at all she's too inner maybe because her man's not handling business she's all up in the ass and he goes you know what I noticed that too I said raw when did you clock that he goes when I married her weak I know I just went home man I live half an hour from work but Lord knows my p45 got home before I did a week later hey Charles sent me a letter saying I got dismissed for poor performance I was like whose performance are we talking about who's performing was it man I thought that could be my career done but that was nothing compared to the day I got some at the call man I'm only going to tell you guys the story because I go free life ruminating whether I'm a scrub or not when an actuality the powers that be could just take this from me and leave me with no scrubs so I got called in got involved in the care of an elderly man who unfortunately unfortunately passed away from a chest infection and I was only six months into my career I was like in a rookie I was an apprentice but they summoned me and only me they didn't want my boss they don't they want my consultant they thought they wanted Homer there but not Mr Burns and and I've worried about my career Going Up in Flames man I was 24 at the time I studied for five years and my career could be done in six months I was freaking heck this didn't get so bad the NHS may not even let me back in as a patient like it could get so bad they could let him in the bacon me they cannot let me back in okay that's how bad it was but it wasn't just my career in Jeopardy no it wasn't it was my freedom potentially too and I didn't have the same trajectory as this guy right here so I started Googling doctors on trial what is there survival rate and I came across a guy called Dr Conrad Murray who at the time of his death was Michael Jackson's doctor and my first thought was how do you [ __ ] up a 90 grand a month gig to keep one man alive he was on a Premier League salary and all he had to do was keep a 50 year old breathing look if that was me and Manny's no option anytime Michael Jackson coughed he would have got a new pair of lungs palpitation was great in that heart any element we would have beat it beat it beat it proper fall which is a whole anesthetic for insomnia Michael Jackson just wanted some rest and peace he didn't want to rest in peace so Dr Conrad Rory this black doctor of a Russian first name the convicted him of involuntary manslaughter and I kept on looking close to home in the UK and I came across a guy called Dr David cellu who's a UK general surgeon of Garland descent and as I told you about his downfall just bear in mind he always had the option of starting that only fans so he would refer the patient with about perforation that's the hole in the bowel that's a surgical emergency and he knew he needs to operate straight away but he couldn't could he never fit a team and the needs to stare at the ready because a surgeon needs a whole team to operate the same way Nicole Scherzinger leaves them Pussycat Dolls and by the way does anyone actually know the name of the other dolls on the rule okay Kimberly Carmen Jessica Ashley Melody for everyone who Wants To Be A Millionaire you're [ __ ] welcome back to the case man do you still have this patient's care the patient unfortunately succumbed to their injuries but guess who they charge of manslaughter guess who they convicted the man's daughter I guess you they sent to Belmont prison for 15 months David selu and David selu only if you don't know what belmarsh prison is it's sakachiri a prison down in South London is when he sent the murderers when they send the rapists where they send the sexual abusers essentially where Tim Westwood should be what's the documentary so I told my mother everything I've just told you guys you know what her summation was she was like so you've been charged with murder she's like my son is a doctor and a murderer how could this be I said well I know who I'm not cooler to the stand that's for sure I will end up with 100 years plus life I'm not calling you so I said let me speak to this lawyer who broke it down for me said nah man you're not being summoned the criminal court this is Corona's quote you're being summoned as a medical witness to give a true account or why this person passed away I said well call my mother and tell her that well she said did any evidence of any Foul Play or any negligence you could be convicted of the manslaughter and go down that David said I said well delete my mama delete my number because you are fired I need a lawyer that's going to defend me the same way the queen defended Andrew that's what I need look man say what you want about Lizzy but she dropped out 12 million I respect it what to lose I respect it anyway so it came today the court case and I thought the social etiquette dictates that if you're speaking to someone and you exchange your confidential information then you speak to the inside voice I want to give the receptionist at the courthouse the benefit the doubt even though that she approach it to retirement maybe it was a first day you know maybe she had Benjamin Button disease I don't know because I went to I said hi on my crocodiri she was my crocodiri the whole foyer turned around the arrows looking at me including the family members and at that moment I wanted the ground to swallow me up because whilst I wasn't a defendant at that moment I felt that one and I kept on ruminating the patient's case back in my head the patient had a chest infection was on intravenous antibiotics if I had to drip they'll get a bit better so we switched them to tablet antibiotics and it goes so much better the boss said let's send them home no one not even the prophetess could envisions he'll later go home that day and pass away and with everything in mind I walked into the courtroom and despite everything I've just said I was actually quite confident and you want to know why because I've seen suits I know how these cool cases go the coroner asked me three questions that is your name my crocodiri I said yes it is he said were you looking after the person in question I said yes I was she said would you change anything in your management and before I complete the fifth luckily for me my boss my consultant surprises everyone turns out to the courtroom and with the power of his testimony the coroner surmises that it's no case to answer and no foul play at hand and whilst this should leave me a bit relieved London I was a bit miffed I can't think of wrong man like maybe I don't know work a career where people could be clapping for me at eight and trying to get me charged by nine maybe I don't work a career with my best can have me understand what my freedom could be compromised and I understand why there's scrutiny on doctors I'm not naive well I need to play the fifth in the UK court but um I'm not naive I understand man obviously people like the aforementioned Harold Shipman obviously the UK's most political prolific serial killer who also found time to be a GP um look man look you'll get the same day appointment but it could be your last but um that's the toss-up with him he was convicted of killing 15 but it was linked to 250 more because people see him leaving the victim's house with all the paraphernalia of murder but still ask himself so who did it who could it be even the police were like Dr Shipman be careful there's a murderer out the loose be careful could they look at this middle class middle-aged guy man I said nah man it can't be him but in the case of David cellu they said it can only be him and Michael Jackson during his prime during his time he had a very popular song and it went it doesn't matter if you're black or white and I know London I know he had the unique perspective of being both but when it comes to cases of Criminal Justice sometimes it does matter and that's why I don't really subscribe to Identity politics man because when I'm in described so hey Doc how you doing doctor good but when I take this off I'll take it off right now whoa no I'm joking man pay more than 10 pounds to see all of this but when I take it off and I put on a hoodie who do I become do I become a scrub do I become an icy free I've not changed but the perception of me certainly has and the wicked is fingerful I can still do CPR in a hoodie that's not change but God forbid I mean that there's a medical emergency and I mean one would they let me save the day or would they stop and search me on the way and that's why I said we've got to be more like these kids because they don't judge they don't identify if any identity politics so take it further I'm gonna paraphrase and a famous analogy by MLK Martin Luther King which judge on on the content of that character not their choice of a tie and I've got a proposal for you London and I want you to tell me your honest opinion I think there should be a day where NHS staff you to contend is Nurses office staff doctors paramedics all of the above allowed to wear tracksuit at work because I think it will really change opinions if you see paramedics on the street doing CPR or you go to your GP and he or she is dressed like Ali G NHS tracksuit day or the national hoodie service for sure what do you guys think all right man I'm gonna take that to the health secretary tomorrow remember the [ __ ] that is right now because I do know I can't keep up who would have been the highest dick Theory here the Asian doctor of the year how can I help got a proposal for you I don't know why people who just get so much scrutiny man I don't I think if you're going to fear anyone it should be men in suits men in suits have caused the worst atrocities this Earth has ever seen Vladimir Putin right now is trying to take over Ukraine in a free piece the Asian detail of the year is always a mad one Adolf Hitler tried to take over the world in a Hugo Boss fitted what's the worst song in the tracks you try to take over an estate in Tottenham like there are levels all of this I had a guy come up to me off the show I did in Edinburgh look at Edinburgh I can't remember where it was he said that bit about suits Michael you're absolutely right absolutely fantastic I agree with you wholeheartedly that's why I don't like that Meghan Markle thank you so much for your custom appreciate it sir I guess what I'm trying to say is man don't look at someone in a hoodie and think they're a scrub when they could have a life in Scrubs and people ask me oh my [ __ ] like how's your career after that court case and I told him it's fine man it wasn't impacted by the court case I was able to like Forge somewhat of a career in Orthopedics what may actually have hamper my career is telling all you guys about that Ash Cash I don't think my colleagues would be very happy with me kind of [ __ ] up their money but I'm in this weird space man comedy meta met some comedy and I've actually been fortunate enough to start a sabbatical so I'm actually on on a sabbatical call from work to see if these jokes can really pay right now they don't but there we go and but one thing I know a man is that longer term whatever I end up end UPS man is he retire the stethoscope you can never really say goodbye man like you always got to stay ready like any time on a plane I've got to stay ready for that question any doctors on here which I don't like by the way could these guys want me to work for free but when I ask for a staff discount on the pretzels suddenly I'm not an employee I'll fly back from Amsterdam not so long ago they asked that question and my guys ratted me out I was like why would you do that I'm still high laughs but I was just like aren't you part of the national Woody service I said look I've not been announced this yet how high am I what the hell is going on what was in that startup anyways the air hostess was insistent said I should follow her and I followed her to the front of the pain plane and there was a lady there having an anxiety attack which I made worse because I revealed I knew who she was it was the prophetess and apparently what happened someone had offered her an Audi donut so I said okay here's a Krispy Kreme that's just settle your nerves but she's all good man she's all good she naturally she took credit for me saving her life but she's all good and um we're actually quite a quite a bit of a friendship now man she's been coming to the hospital while I was working out most recently because she's been having these Ophthalmology appointments uh because she's losing a vision which is ironically a vision she didn't see Connie he told me she's not she said she saw me with a vision with a child yeah of course I'm going trampoline and look here changes with a child that's what I'd be doing don't be acting brand new that's she's like no stop [ __ ] around Michael your own child said no there's no way there's no way because my Mrs and I use two forms of contraception one the vibrator and two anytime we do do we strike the [ __ ] up with some Durex but I've got I've Gotta Give the proper test some credit man and I've given her a bit of slack but every time she said something she's come through clutch and I remember a week after that discussion with her my wife my message she came home with a positive pregnancy test and the crowd go wild now I gotta stand here on stage uh my son I've got a four month five month old very healthy boy uh that's what I said thank you so much uh but during the pregnancy we didn't know anything we didn't know his gender we didn't know if it's going to be her egg or my egg um I checked his mind and but one thing I did know I did know that I've now got my chaperone for life I've got my trap around he can't get out of that and I think man with children man I think you always like think forward you're thinking right you don't want them to have the same challenges that you had you understand you want life to be a bit easier for them but I've seen these hairline he's got about five trims left but as you guys leave here London man I know I've said a lot about hoodies I know I've said a lot about track suits man but God forbid it happens but let's just say you guys are approached by five guys and hoodies and they ask for your phone don't ask them what hospital do you work at you're being [ __ ] robbed I learned a liver and get the hell out of there man okay I've been Minecraft [Applause] coming out [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign

Channel: Michael Akadiri

Views: 14,817

Keywords: Comedy stand up funny stand up special comedian NHS doctors healthcare nhs

Id: yAdT6u-keJM

Length: 58min 27sec (3507 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 09 2023