Married with Bipolar: How We Make it Work

good afternoon everyone and thank you so much for joining us our tastes like right we will be talking with Miguel and April Mencia Miguel I mean I'm sorry April manages a dual diagnosis of OCD and bipolar and we're very fortunate today to have them sharing their story of success and how they manage their family and their marriage so welcome to both of you and thank you so much for taking the time to speak with me today thank you for having us thank you I thought we could start by having you sure just a little bit about your family and then your day to day to day life and how that worked prior to knowing that same way we have three children they're all grown oh we have a granddaughter so life is very full and very happy so um just recently we purchased this home and it's a like a triplex so everybody has their own kitchen their own washing the doors separating so our daughter one of my daughters has the front half of the house my son as the our son has the apartment in the back then we have a basement so we all get together in this room together we've all been a tight-knit family so that's one of the one of the advantages we had when we were dealing with all this a little bit about how life was day-to-day and will let you experience before you have your diagnosis I guess before um I was balancing raising the kids and the family and everything and I knew that I was having mood swings up and down and I knew something was different but I didn't really know to the extent of what was going on because there wasn't a whole lot of information besides what was in the movies media well I wasn't to that extreme I thought so I must be okay at that time and I came from a Latino family with a common ground so those were pretty spicy on our own so naturally I'm so alone there was a bit of a blur there between whether it was a an illness or just a heated discussion or an argument but it did get to a point where both kind of stood back and said there's there's something else on top of our personalities and what huh before the diagnosis I was working a lot on my artwork and selling doing festivals all that I was not eating not sleeping um just one coffee after another not looking after myself and I just crashed so there was a lot of swinging we manic and and lo as we call it at that time we didn't call it depression because we didn't know what I was really hyper she was really sad that's how we referred to it right and no switch is him or more frequent and longer duration of mania would last a bit longer and the depression of or the moment of depression would would last and they started getting higher and lower every time and then finally the exact yeah when she hit I guess what we considered to be rock-bottom yeah so it's just it was I was just uh I made dinner for the family that night and uh you know like you see in the movies it's this big breakdown it's just big Showbox event so I thought that's what breakdowns were so I just mean you know I think it was like a chicken dinner for the for the kids and my husband I was waiting for him to come home and while we're sitting there eating I thought this is it I don't want to live anymore I can't go on with all that sight I reached a point I'm I know now I'm psycho so I was both psychotic and suicidal so I was thinking this was the night and so I picked up a few signs for again we're not formally I'm not formally trained in any of this now April got her peer support worker Nansen thing positive so I looked out for help I went we went to the doctor's room yeah we went to the doctors even before that event but there wasn't it would just it was things like oh you're young you have postpartum that was a big one postpartum family you're you're busy working raising chaotic yeah it's not like they were being dismissive on purpose I'm sure they see thousands of people and of those thousands most of them or many of them may show similar symptoms that April was showing and it was youth are just a stage in their life this but it turned out not to be a stage yeah and when we found one you got the diagnosis what was it yeah the diagnosis they first um so I got admitted into the hospital I actually told y'all what was going on because I started crying at the dinner table and so I told them what was going on and I was not safe at home so we went to the emergency psych hospital and Hamilton here um and that's the next morning because you know it takes a certain amount of time I think it was like 24 hours before we got even to the ward where after said you have bipolar 1 and OCD disorder and for me I can't speak for April but it was one of the most I don't want to say terrifying but it was a very scary moment and helplessness for me because when you care about somebody as much as you do and there's nothing it's not like a child when you put a bandaid on a scratch knee and it's okay both of you how you felt about your diagnosis and at first how did it affect your marriage first weird though well yeah we were thinking about the kids that was always the first thing that we thought about how do we lessen the impact to the kids yeah nothing we're young because when you tell the kids you're going into a hospital to tell them you're going into a mental hospital like how does a kid even begin to understand that well their point of view they see that's their mother they don't see anything you know wrong so I mean they saw all the mood they saw the mood swings they saw the the challenges we were going through and it wasn't one of those back fourth argument thing that we had I knew there wasn't something something more going on than attitude or anything whatever they wanted to classify but um with the kids yeah so what we've done since and and always have done is kept open communication with them like so we explained everything that what was going on maybe not all the details of the thoughts or that April is what they write what they thought they can what we thought they could handle as far as understanding at their age what they couldn't understand in process first how we got along we've yeah there was some challenges we had a lot of plastic forks and knives and dishes it's a lot safer for me so um but I think there was some relief some relief that there is finally a diagnosis something tangible in the beginning of some help and some treatment and some parity because as soon as they told us again we didn't understand exactly what it was that they diagnosed her with but it was there was something and usually when it's something that means that there's possibility of I mean I'm man in managing recovering from that something when before the hospital we had no idea what was going on how to fake or even start to fix it right now can you scoot a little closer to your leg Oh why do you think were some of the biggest challenges when we were trying to acknowledge and accept this and then start on your management plan um it was acknowledging that not every medication was gonna work oh I went through quite a few medications and each time I would get built up saying oh this is great it's gonna work and then it wouldn't and I'd be back in the hospital so pattern was a five year pattern so that was very difficult accepting that I I was saying to myself I'm a bipolar one OCD mess not all the other things that I was capable and great at that I'm a good mother I'm a good wife an artist friend I didn't think of any of all those things when I was sick I just said I'm bipolar I'm OCD that's all I am well one of the biggest challenges was just keeping her on her meds yeah I'd be counting the pills and and she wasn't doing it to be sassy or smart or anything like that it was just that she just thought she didn't need it they were that they were something you didn't need so that was a bit a lot of cycles through medication even the ones that did kind of work was a challenge really common to reduce themselves down to a diagnosis and forget about all the great things about who they are and then we know that medication compliance is always something that has to be considered for a number of reasons that's working for you so with that being said I'd love to hear how you guys are doing now and what are some strategies that you've developed and implement in your marriage and the family that are working for you and I think we didn't stray too far from what we it's day one supporting not being dismissive of one another as far as feelings or thoughts or what's important to us our goals at least what would we find important yeah and you was you made a lot of changes yeah a lot of changes and humor we keep the humor about things we make everything so okay you can't say this and you can't say that we keep we make some jokes about now we can now we enjoy plastic forks with the OCD part and one of our stories was that she came home one day with $400 with the coat hangers a lot of purchases which that time we didn't understand what it was but neither and a little OCD part of it she needed to get the golden coat hanger she had to buy this needed to buy that which must heal invited me yeah I was fueled by the me it wasn't I have to spend the money and it was just that those things were necessary at that moment for what we're doing now is so we keep the family together keep everybody clothes on tight I do a command you like Miguel's really good with not bringing up negative aspects in the past that maybe a something things that have my mania know what could be kind of embarrassing or like even for me like cringe where the year there's nothing to gain and everything to lose doing that for me to bring it up it would just be a there's no positive outcome or protection and then cheap in her way she's kept me going to so I mean this this is a two-way street it's not just me taking care of her I wouldn't be where I am now if it wasn't for her either I think the one regret that we do I don't know if it's considered a regret week well it wasn't us really it's a lot of stigma that you know that's involved with it a lot misunderstanding and miss misinformation out there so friends and family and it's always hard for us to talk about who's we've we've distanced ourselves a lot from a lot of our friends and family unfortunately because they didn't understand and that continued not to want to understand what this was it wasn't an attitude it wasn't childhood fantasies or issues that she was having personality stuff it was an actual illness strategy as hard as it is to separate yourself from negative understand thank you again it wasn't that they were being mean about it it's just eat we can afford to try to get them to understand and take care of what we were needing take care of and so there was a bit of a riff and distance put between several people but we can build that all back up we needed to strengthen ourselves up before we can take everybody back and I think I think with the kids we made the right choice I think so being honest with them because now they come to us about anything and we give them the best advice that we can and I think it was a good example for them to see that we had a quite a few road bumps and you can't break down and get back up yeah as a person it's our brain that's not working correctly and that needs to be the message so and I mean I don't know if you mentioned the Pierces you she received her pure leap your support workers returnin you've done the assistant all that stuff you know and she's spoken at and a couple little speeches on my work as well it's predominantly male the factory that I'm in the steel mill so that's that's a tough crowd when it's males to get them to open up but they have been I've been I get emails every day you've had people you know just to explain how we work for them but it gives them a little bit of a health yeah this one's tough cuz it's not you don't have a rap or a cast on or a sling so people kind of I thought people say to me well why don't you just take her out to dinner going on vacation and they're singing with all good intentions don't get me wrong they're not saying it the ignorant and then just they just it's hard for them to understand and on the other hand we've also had I've had people say well you know just just take off just leave it's not worth the aggravation and everything and my answer usually was you know what if she had cancer if your wife had cancer if she has another sort of illness can't just leave and then I had no intention of wanting to anyway woman right I think I think we we've done the best that we can to make this as everybody understand that is you can't you can't get forward with this you can't man looking for there are a lot of challenges with a but you there's a way so everything's not gonna be perfect you deal with stuff every day well I just thought like when in 2015 that was my last hospitalized I said I'm just going to take it one day at a time just one day one foot in front of the other and you know and now I'm here and thanks for cooking right I would have never thought that because that's another statement in 2015 that's when they decided to do um ECT treatment okay and that's what actually ended the cycle of bipolar depression so now I'm starting to speak out about that and the stigma I had 16 and Miguel was present in the room during all 16 so it's not like it is in the movies but it's it's pretty pretty close like I'm not babysitting yeah yeah but still if you're watching it there's no much sedation I could have taken to watch that but um that seemed to have been the turning point yeah I almost wish I had that choice to do it sooner and I definitely taken that but I was so afraid because you know they say ECT and you think okay Jack Nicholson I think they're they're shocking my brain because they've given up on me it's the opposite of that yeah you were it was tough for you to accept to do that at first but yeah but um she trusted in me and she trusted in her health care providers and she just I don't want to she just finally gave herself to everyone the professionals and said okay let's try it your way my ways not working earlier that people that you see in the news that maybe aren't well come into contact with the law for some reason with a mental illness and so I really appreciate you guys sharing your story of success Oh people can see yes it's a it's a challenge and I'm sure there still no Miguel I was wondering if you could talk a little bit about being a caregiver we know that caregiver burnout is a real I know that you got pretty worn down so in general the stigma there or the the roleplay was usually the man takes care of everything so that's what was stuck in my head most of the time you can't and I know that's not the way it is now but that's just the the default a lot of the times to despecialized latino backgrounds so work take care of the kids visit her every day in the hospital because it was I couldn't even fathom what was going through their mind or the emotional roller-coaster she was going on like she thought we were abandoning her there so I purposely made sure I was there every day to let her know that that's not the case because there were unfortunately there were cases and there the people that were left to on their own and then still happens now exactly so then my turning point as far as where'd it get to the point where I had to start take care of myself a little bit more was when I smashed the truck I have I was just finished visiting her and I didn't even see the vehicle in front of me and fortunately everybody was okay but it could have gone a lot worse for everybody the individual I smashed into our family so that day that I decided the things I had to slow things down a bit and give myself up to the professionals too and not always have to be there on every single decision or whatever just trust and and they were if they had her best interests in mind and I focused on the kids and just keeping her comfortable as far as I could you know thing in her art supply is there just conversation so I grabbed Wendy's or Harvey's or McDonald's and just sit there and eat that with without talking about anything every year one day at a time exactly yeah exactly you need help and not not really control but desire to want to fix everything and be everything and meaning on your your wellness team fulfill it are there times now where it's hard for you to give yourself permission to stop and to take care of yourself and if so how do you know right now it's a different life now than it was 10 years ago let's say um we have more a different kind of relationship different kinds of interactions I love seeing her successes it makes it validates everything that I I did in the past and it and it's tough to keep yourself motivated as a caregiver especially when the progress is very small or not at all or there's or you're backtracking a lot of the times you feel like you've failed so so I'm hoping some of this had to do with me and it makes me feel you know I'm proud for sure um it's kind of a new ground all this stuff too it's like it is like we've always known who each other was but now it's a different kind of relationship which I appreciate the way that you look at that as an opportunity yeah well you saw everything with new eyes you were saying yeah medication and the ECT clicked in it was like starting fresh starting over because I can't remember a life not feeling like depression or that mania I don't remember a life before that so starting from scratch and having the opportunity to build on that and be whatever I want basically yeah so last year at first it was I'm sure but for his sake - um instead of relying on him Oh time and sharing all my problems and heaviness with him I kind of make sure I keep thought to the doctors now unless it's something that's detrimental that I need to tell him I keep the conversation between my care team I think he's gone through enough and he needs a little bit of separation from that so we can have our own relationship outside of bipolar and mental health and that's important that we we've tried to separate things as much as we can as far as not ignoring the problems or me being ignorant to what she's feeling we've lightened it up a bit now that we have a lot of things under control before it took 99% of our life how you're feeling every day and is there anything else you would like to share just in general well you said before I celebrate the small victories yeah yes just anything that's it doesn't have to be thing doesn't have to be a big grand show it's just like we've said in the past watching a movie where it doesn't turn into an argument or where she's crying because and cloudy outside you know what I mean it's just now then we just enjoy the Sun like we enjoy our walks we enjoy a quiet meal small victories and always hope always hope that there can be more than just your life with Bipolar yeah it's it didn't to find out it for a while it to find her and and myself yeah everybody everyone and and now we're just building it I don't want to see building it back up because I didn't destroy us but it did put a big strain on all of us and we're just enjoying everything the max that we can and we're not thinking too far ahead in the future yeah there's still tweets and no not every day is gonna be perfect and I think recovery isn't you know set in stone it's always gonna kind of go in waves and I have to remember that and not to get disappointed when I have a bad day or something throws me back I just have to keep on my routine and keep going right and we don't put a any unrealistic goals in front of you either one of us like we I think we've realized our limitations now that's not a bad thing to know your limitations it actually keeps me right yeah that's what the man the man a part of it she didn't have any limitations five six times within a couple of weeks the other was again it wasn't harming anything but it was one of the triggers that we knew there was something going on I can say you know I am very fortunate to be here I don't want to say lucky um I always hear people say you know they were lucky to be in this moment I feel fortunate because I've worked really hard and Miguel and my kids and my care team has worked really hard to get me to this point of wellness like so many people will get some strength from it we appreciate we're doing our best to pay it forward as much as we can we do a lot of a lot of fun pro bono stuff yeah yeah I am everything we do this pro bono let's talk to everybody at work we've done couple little videos here and there but so this it's therapeutic for us too it's in Canada and I'm in the States and who knows where else around the world so thank you again so much and thank you

Channel: International Bipolar Foundation

Views: 10,025

Keywords: iMovie, bipolar disorder, mental wellness, marriage and bipolar, ect, familysupport, mental illness, depression, OCD, Bipolar I

Id: bMGe_Ra27Yc

Length: 29min 3sec (1743 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 12 2019