BIPOLAR DISORDER & RELATIONSHIPS: My Story

[Music] there are three things that always feel very wrong in my life when I'm symptomatic I either think something's wrong with my job my relationship or my living situation it's almost like clockwork the rest of the time my relationship is awesome my job is just fine and I don't mind where I live this has been ridiculously difficult for those around me to understand when I'm unwell the feelings that something's wrong with my life can get so real I can taste them it would be like someone punching me in the stomach in front of an audience and then everyone trying to convince me that it didn't happen when I can feel the wind knocked out of me it doesn't matter how many books I've read or how perfect my meds are there's still times where I can't see things clearly and this is simply part of the illness the one area of my life where I have so much regret and have done the greatest damage has probably been my relationships I can look back on a train wreck of collateral damage and broken hearts today I'd like to share some of the reasons why I ended relationships how I see those situations years later and how I've worked with my current partner to stop this cycle from continuing I know there are so many confused hurt and angry people out there that have been on the receiving end of a bipolar relationship please know that I'm not minimizing hurtful or abusive behavior by any means with this video my goal is to share some of my relationship experience and help fill in some of the gaps of understanding I'll even include some tips for maintaining a healthy relationship towards the end of this video if you aren't well right now please come back and watch this video at a later time when I'm not well I'm just not open to advice and could miss something really important we can fast-forward past the high school sweethearts to my first long-term relationship I was 19 and met my first partner at a dance club in Sacramento I was extremely manic and most likely hyper sexual at the time because the only medication I was taking was an SSRI for depression if you have bipolar disorder and just take an antidepressant it can cause the mania to skyrocket I was also drinking a lot at the time which is probably one of the worst things someone with bipolar disorder can do we went home together and started what would become a two-year relationship that night less than a month later we were living together now my partner was from Peru didn't speak a word of English and we had absolutely no time to really get to know each other it sounded like a stellar idea to me at the time though we were engaged and living together when I had one of my first psychotic breaks I was working 40 hours a week running a full-time karate school on my days off and going to school full-time I still have no idea how I did that oh yeah mania I literally kept myself so busy in my 20s that I remained in a constant state of amania this became an identity for me I assumed that my quote normal self was how I felt when I was manic my partner had only seen this manic knight-in-shining-armor over the years so when I finally burned up all the bio chemicals my poor brain could produce I crashed hard I didn't know the word bipolar existed at the time so I attributed all of the horrible feelings to my relationship and living situation it felt so real and I was even able to convince my friends and family that I was justified in my choices within two weeks I dropped out of college closed my successful karate school packed up all my things and maxed out all my credit cards so I could move to a new town and start a new life new karate school and finally be happy again I drove to a new town in a u-haul truck before I even had a place or a job there my family couldn't believe it looking back I still can't believe how risky and irresponsible this was but at the time it made perfect sense in my head I was a very bright and intelligent kid so how could I not see the gravity of my choices think about this if you smashed your finger with a hammer you'd probably be upset at the hammer or maybe yourself if your finger started hurting that bad for absolutely no reason it would be confusing and downright scary bipolar disorder can cause the most excruciating ly intense feelings that something is very wrong with our lives and having a reason for those feelings makes it so much easier to cope with them if we don't know that it's bipolar disorder our quote reasons might not make a whole lot of sense to those around us because we don't understand what's going on ourselves I encourage our loved ones to take a step back and see someone whose suffering has no idea why and is desperately looking for reasons to understand what's going on again this does not excuse abusive behavior but it sure helps to not take things quite so personally our feelings can also vary depending on the types of episodes when I'm depressed I typically withdrawal from society and I'm just a downer to be around when I manic I have the energy to move mountains so when the two of these mix together the results can be disastrous and totally confusing to everyone the really bad times in my relationships happened when I'd experienced what's called a mixed episode this is where I'd be utterly depressed but still have that gnawing crawling out of my skin manic anxiety at the same time I'd feel something was very wrong with my life and actually have the manic motivation to do something about it I'd make these life-altering decisions at the worst possible time and when I wasn't well my family and partners could see that something was very wrong but they still had no idea that it was mental illness they came up with their own reasons like I'm just working too hard or I can't handle my alcohol that might have been part of it but it wasn't the core of what was happening to me everyone was doing their best to be there for me and understand my behavior without any clue as to the source it was literally the blind leading the blind moving to a new town and starting a new business kept the manic party going again for a couple more years anything new can do that a new car new child new house new relationship I was unknowingly chasing the me like an addict I jumped right into another two-year relationship and we were living together within weeks I experienced another breakdown very similar to the first one and ended that relationship under similar circumstances the cycle just continued I moved again started another relationship this time got married and started a chain of karate schools this time do you want to guess how that turned out so what broke the cycle by my late 20s the episodes got so intense that I started to be hospitalized during many of them this was finally the tipping point when doctors started throwing the word bipolar around this gave my wife at the time some hope and a little better understanding as to what she was seeing but much of her life was dominated by being my caretaker instead of focusing on her own life my problems were always bigger and more important than her needs and I'm sure that started to get really old I knew I needed help but I was still far from entertaining the idea that I was mentally ill or taking responsibility I even burned some of the books my family sent me about bipolar disorder they put me on a very heavy cocktail of meds but there was still no way to know if they were working or not by that time I started abusing pain pills anxiety medication drinking an ungodly amount of alcohol and smoking lots of pot I'd also skipped days of medication or just forget to take it mixing all of that together just made things a lot worse I closed down my last karate school lost my place and then my car my wife and I were living in a friend's garage in the middle of nowhere during the dead of winter to go from being a successful business owner with a shiny red convertible to a broken addict living in a friend's garage was the final straw for both of us it was at that point that I couldn't deny my situation anymore I literally had to lose enough things that I cared about to finally do something about my bipolar disorder some people will sadly never get there looking back there's honestly nothing my partners our family could have said or done at the time to change the outcome I had to reach a place where I was ready to accept my situation and change my lifestyle no one could do that for me the marriage was incredibly difficult on my wife and eventually she sought comfort from other men that didn't have the same struggles that I did the marriage fell apart at that point and we got a divorce the whole situation was just tragic and things would have been much different for both of us if I took my diagnosis seriously after the divorce I spent my longest time being single I reflected a lot on my past and really embraced my bipolar diagnosis I started exercising regularly drinking much less and not abusing prescription drugs these changes made a world of difference but I still wasn't very proactive on treating it I wasn't taking the right combination of meds I wasn't participating in any type of therapy and I just avoided thinking about it unless the symptoms were undeniable I met my current fiance online and we started dating when I was rather stable things were really smooth I was very upfront about my bipolar disorder but my partner had no idea what that even meant it was totally new territory about two years into the relationship basically the exact same timeframe of my other relationships my partner went out of the country to visit family for six months being alone made me want to escape more so I started binge drinking again I didn't have someone helping me remember to take my meds so there were times that I'd miss a dose during the first few months apart we broke up a couple of times for a period of a week or two I felt like my reasons were completely justified and even convinced my friends and family again that it was the best decision at the time then something happened that rocked my world I hit a deep depression and felt horrible about ending the relationship for the first time I could clearly see that I was having a bipolar episode when I made those choices the things that upset me a week ago just didn't matter anymore even though they were so damn real at the time I called my partner and I said I can't keep going through this cycle in relationships I've done this before I didn't make any promises because I've done that before too I decided myself that I would take my meds seriously and wouldn't touch alcohol as my commitment to making it work what happened in the following months changed everything the problems just stopped completely we had a harmony in the relationship that I've never experienced before this was such a gut punch realization for me I was so sure that the problems we were having were the result of my partner's actions and had nothing to do with me I couldn't have been more wrong and the proof was undeniable I looked back at a lifetime of relationships friendships and jobs that this illness had taken from me I felt the heartbreak that all my past partners went through when I said it was over for some ridiculous reason I felt sick that I convinced some of them that it was their fault it was a lot to process I started buying books and seeing a therapist regularly even if I didn't have anything to talk about it simply had to become part of my new routine for this relationship to not follow the same path the more things actually worked the more motivated I was to keep growing but it took time for that switch to happen a lot of people got hurt in the process about a year later I started this YouTube channel so now that I've shared some stories that I'm sure many of you can relate to I'd like to share some tips for couples who are navigating through the bipolar trenches the first and most important one is to not make any life-altering decisions when you aren't well if you've been with someone for years what's waiting a couple of weeks in the scheme of things I know that bipolar can create this desperate sense of urgency where you feel like you have to do something right now I can't think of a single time when I wasn't well and made a life-altering change that benefited my life the reasons why we make extreme choices is to distract us from the suffering inside it's similar to punching a wall the feeling is so intense that it gives us something else to focus on for a minute then a few weeks later we feel sick to our stomach when we see the hole in the wall right ending a relationship is a super intense distraction it gives us purpose and a reason to blame all of the internal suffering on please just give it some time don't punch your relationship because the holes aren't so easy to repair the next tip is to have some kind of plan in place for the bad times when we're stable life is just great and there's no sense of urgency I'd much rather go see a movie with my partner than discuss the bad times but that doesn't fix anything bipolar is cyclic episodes are gonna happen again and again regardless of how good your meds are therapy are I still have nasty episodes even with everything I do to stay well it's just part of the package get to know each other's triggers let each other know what helps and what doesn't help my partner knows exactly what to do when I'm not well and it's different for everyone sometimes I need a hug while other times I need to be left the heck alone my partner would have no idea what to do in a given situation if we didn't talk about it a big key here is that we're both on the same page if one partner wants to talk about important things like this and the other one won't participate there's no easy answer there I wasn't ready in my earlier relationships to face my illness and they always failed that says a lot now if your partner isn't ready to grow don't let that stop you from growing focus on what is in your control when I was younger I used to say I'll take care of you and you take care of me now I say I'll take care of myself for you and you take care of yourself for me think about that one it's very powerful the third tip is for both of you to learn as much as you possibly can about bipolar disorder it helps make sense of behavior or feelings that always felt so random this helped my partner to not take my behavior quite so personally at times it also helped me to notice the patterns or signs that I totally missed before learning about bipolar is what built the foundation that all my change was built on and this took time once things finally started to make a little sense it was so much easier to recognize the signs that something wasn't right way before it turns into a total crisis again this involves both of you working together for this to work if your partner isn't willing to learn about a potentially life-threatening illness you might have to set some strong boundaries without education or treatment things are likely to never change the last tip that I'll share is to stop making empty promises when I used to crash I'd say things like I don't want to keep doing this I know now that I need help I'll do anything to get better just don't leave me this works for the first few times but after a while it gets really old in fact it can become a massive trigger if someone punched you in the face after promising to never do it again eventually you'll feel like an idiot for believing them there's a strange impasse that happens here when we reach a certain emotional state we really do feel like we can't live like this we really do want help and to change then a few weeks later when the argument isn't fresh and the nasty feelings have passed it's just not a priority to go to the doctor anymore I get busy with work and the last thing I want to do is face my serious mental illness on my days off this is really normal but it's also a relationship ender if you've done this dance before and have a partner who's ready to walk don't make empty promises just do what needs to be done take action on your own without telling anyone go see a doctor because you want to and not just because you're afraid of what your partner will think if you don't go now this video is getting a bit long and there's always so much more I could say I hope that the time that I spent today helps some of you out there who are struggling with your relationships if you have any questions or would like to talk to me personally about what's going on in your life I'm here to help there's a link in all my video descriptions where you can contact me directly any time take gentle care of yourselves this week and stop by my channel anytime you are very welcome here [Music] you [Music]

Channel: Polar Warriors

Views: 258,426

Keywords: Bipolar Disorder, Bipolar Relationships, Bipolar Relationship Help, Bipolar Relationship Tips, Bipolar Relationship Support, Bipolar Husband, Bipolar Wife, Bipolar Spouse, Manic Depression & Relationships, Polar Warriors, Polar Warriors Bipolar

Id: UnzZDiKXdwE

Length: 18min 46sec (1126 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 06 2020