Marriage Seminar

hello everybody it is not the morning time it's not morning confessions but this is a very special session we're gonna do that i think it's really gonna bless you tonight if there is one issue one reason why relationships uh friendships uh marriages don't make it and don't stay together is because of an inability to deal with conflict and so we're going to wait to some of you guys uh log on tonight but we're going to be talking about you know how to fight fair or you know how to deal with conflict resolution uh so we just welcome you guys here today um we welcome uh your comments we welcome those of you from uh maryland uh uh good morning to some of you who are getting up that's a little different in it and um so glad to have you with us i believe it's going to be some really practical things that will encourage your relationships and cause them to flourish and uh so we're really excited we're really excited about what we have to share with you and we really believe that we have some keys that will cause breakthroughs so come on in come on in we're gonna start in just a minute there just world changers nation so thankful for you guys all the partners and friends and um happy friday or like you said saturday not quite sure we saw people overseas tuning in but glad to have you gold coast australia tuning in and and it's uh you know please please i want to make sure you definitely understand this one thing and as people are are logging on uh we're not coming to you and by no way no way know how we come to you as a flawless perfect couple that has no issues at all in fact real ministry is a combination of your life plus the scripture and but what we know is the fact that you know we know how we've gone through things we've known what we've gone through that's why it's so funny when we meet people tell me well you know i'm we're married we have the holy ghost and we never had no issues you well you got an issue now lying and and so we we we're coming to you in in humility we're coming to you uh with uh with opus open and honest evaluation that's true of what we've been able to see yeah the things that we've worked through right the things that we have worked through it's not just information from a textbook and things in theory of course you know we read textbooks and we believe and study theories as well but um there's nothing like the experience of things that you've gone through and what you know and have evidence of it working yeah there's something about knowing where the goal line is and having crossed the goal line in certain areas of your life and so we we first of all we we submit ourselves to god we humble ourselves before him and come to you guys in in humility and uh here's here's our objective we just want people to stay together and not be so quick to to run because of what you don't know i think a lot of conflict resolution fails it never gets where it needs to be the peace talks never go uh go anywhere because you know we we somebody says well i did all i know to do well maybe you don't know enough and i know it with with half an hour a lot of times and especially in my life as a husband there i just didn't know enough i felt like man had i known some more things uh when i first got married we would it wouldn't have been so rocky you just didn't know enough and so uh that that's i've done all i know to do that's that's just another excuse because maybe you just don't know enough yeah because when you know better you do better you do better you do better and so that's what tonight is all about is us being able to do better um for our families and for our children and um being able to walk out the principles that we know are able to be experienced but um not falling short because of disagreement and arguments conflicts those things are real we know how destructive um the enemy can be concerning our families and our children and our relationships with one another and so um we really think that as we understand how to deal with conflict how to deal with disagreements then that can help us to move forward and not experience the things that we're seeing today i think the information that we got from our survey in the polls was the fact that unhealthy communication was the the biggest interest in us discussing this subjects and so that's what we're attacking tonight and we know uh communication is just ongoing you never really arrive hopefully over time it just gets better and better as you learn each other as you um are sensitive to each other and communication is it's just an art that you want to continue to perfect it's not really where it's perfect or or you're you've arrived you know yeah i think you have to be careful you know when you fall short if you don't know how to resolve that you you will invite a spirit of inferiority to come in that's what really inferiority means falling short jesus mentioned it when he talks about all have sinned and fallen short that's inferiority and when you have inferiority as a result of falling short and not really knowing how to practically practically walk through it then you create a inferiority complex and that complex begins to really block up a lot of uh a lot of uh good communication and right and we both want to be strong we don't want to be inferior where the woman feels beneath or the husband feels beneath but really present our best self in the relationship that we're healthy we're strong and we're sick we feel safe we feel secure we feel love and um that's the bond the bible talks about that mystery between the husband and the wife getting behind the veil where you can really get to a place where god wants you to be well uh let's see you want to give it up give people about two more minutes to log on and then we get started yeah we have a video and then we're gonna show it you want to go and do we can do that now um just to kind of give you an idea of um the reality of um conflict carrying around your anger like you do oh here we go what oh i do not always carry around anger okay dre okay you just did like when i picked that movie what tree a couple of months ago you got so angry when i picked that movie that you didn't like and you haven't let me pick a movie ever since you said it was supposed to be good i said i heard the movie was good no you said and i quote jennifer lawrence oscar bate whatever it was one bad movie that you dragged me to on my only free saturday in months i dragged you to it really dre so now us spending time together is me dragging you places all you had to do was admit that you knew nothing about the movie and we could have seen something else but no you can never admit to not knowing anything because you have to know everything just like a few years ago oh you bring up old arguments yes i am okay is that a problem yes it's a problem jerry cause i have no idea we're fighting about i literally have no idea what you want from me right now i don't want anything from you i was just trying to buy a seat [Music] and you go all in about flowers listen now this argument's my fault yes this is my fault yes it's your fault and it's all good because according to you [Music] everything [Music] a lot of times we don't know what we're fighting about we're just in the moment we get heated we lose uh context uh so many issues are thrown at the table thrown at one another and so that's what we want to jump right into right now and so let's talk about unfair fighting um and we're just going to go over some things the goal is for us to learn how to fight fair um instead of unfair and these are some things that we want to kind of set the stage for us having the right mindset as it relates to dealing with conflict and dealing with disagreement um unfair fighting when you don't fight fair is is um it's loud it's bitter it's harmful unproductive and sometimes as we saw in the video it could even be violent it comes from the combination of us thinking that conflict is bad and that um that's one of the things is understanding that all conflict uh or the mindset the conflict is awful number one so i want to make sure that you know let us be very clear that unfair fighting is thinking that something's wrong with conflict yeah yeah and so like most couples do not know how to fight and so we have to know how uh to communicate how to disagree uh in a way that is fair that's not unfair and um and so that's the um first point that we want to make and secondly um my needs are more valid than yours yeah before you go into that these the the point for them when we went to the uh the conflict is this this myth that it's awful that it's bad that's unfair and um you know you know we we we've got to avoid conflict as long as possible i've seen people do that let's let's just avoid conflict that's what i used to do let's just let's avoid it as long as possible and meanwhile it's bubbling up like a bomb you know uh we should want the same things that that's not you know you know that's another one of those myths it's unfair to think that we should want the same things um and um you mentioned it that that we should agree you know how to you know you're talking about that you a serious myth in conflicts is that you should agree and you you make a mistake of thinking your whole marriage should be like that reason why i want to re-emphasize that is when you don't understand unfair fighting uh your marriage becomes like a fake you know because you're going in with these wrong ideas of marriage and you're thinking that you know the things that you're thinking in this area uh you're really thinking it's how it's supposed to go but in actuality this is this is this is a this is an unfair way to fight to have that religious and just in some cases wrong mindset yeah number two okay conflict is awful my needs or are more valid than yours um and that only one can win and so those are some of the things that uh as you've emphasized for so long that my needs should become your needs and your needs are should become my needs and it's not about winning this isn't uh a contest who can win the fight who can win the argument um some people fight just to win you know you know i grew up i was trained even in ministry that and and a law based uh marriage and ministry said that my needs as a man um are more valid than yours as a woman it's kind of taught uneven like that that really you should exalt my needs more than than yours you should dumb yourself down while exalting my needs more and uh you know only what i want is important i had that mindset only what i mean i mean i may not have uh articulated it but on the inside i had that mindset that the things that deal with me are a lot more important than things that deal with you yeah because women were subservient yeah and um the only person who was catering was the woman to the man yeah so really what you want was meaningless and stupid right and what i want was what what uh what really matter and that is that is a foundation in the basis for unfair fight you know i'm right you're wrong i'm good and you're bad that's that's not that's a that that is the foundation for unfair fighting yeah absolutely um so it's not you know as we mentioned about winning and all these things and so let's look at some unfair fighting styles and we have some things that we want you to follow along number one is bad timing timing is everything when it comes to uh unfair fighting um you have to realize um the sensitivity of your spouse or or what's going on um and recognizing okay is this the best time to have this conversation and sometimes we could be in the moment maybe we're may pop off in the midst of something going on or in route but and i'm like yeah we need to talk about it you like no it's not a good time no no let's deal with it now let's talk about it now that that's that's that's bad timing that's right bad timing yeah forcing your agenda on the other insisting on discussing something at an inappropriate time when it's late even when you're tired i mean sometimes if it's late at night and all of a sudden you want to have this intense discussion it may be best just to kind of reset uh when everybody's refreshed and able to really talk about it um instead of just wanting to deal with things at the wrong time you know one of the things um you know wrong timing or bad timing sometimes can be around other people um wrong timing and bad timing um could be you know when you're rushing and go somewhere when you're trying to when you're trying to get somewhere you're trying to have a very deep conversation while i've got to to go somewhere and i think what happens is part of that is inferiority it keeps coming up again because i'm feeling bad about it but or just when you walked in the door from work or you're tired you don't have any idea what i went through just got home from traveling and you're putting your bags down it's like whoa can i just yeah reset for a minute yeah and then when you get cussed out then you'll understand that's the wrong timing but you don't want to have to get cussed out before you realize that's the wrong time and so one of the things we want to avoid yeah those are the things we want to try to avoid to say okay now you know we want to identify um fi unfair fighting styles and uh bad timing is one of those unfair fighting styles that's right yeah another one is blaming the blame game i'm right you're wrong uh blaming the other person for the whole problem which is so unfair um to just not um name-calling accusing exaggerating these are things that um cause unfair fighting you know digging up dead bones um you know talking about past failures keeping the score uh you know uh you always yeah you you're the comment so that's your fault yeah yeah statements are common and i statements are very rare in those situations and um the blame game it started back in the garden of eden with adam and eve and when he blamed adam and adam blamed eve and they blamed god and so it's definitely a real thing in relationships one of the things i'm going to talk about sunday my series on relationships is how important it is to accept responsibility for what you did it doesn't necessarily mean you accept all the responsibility but you're willing to sit down and and deal with it yeah and in a wise way uh because you know like you said in the adam and during the time of adam and eve you can tell a lot about a person based on how they respond in blame yeah you know when you respond in blame you're just clearly saying i am not willing to accept any responsibility for this at all that's right and so fighting fair the third thing is too many issues you saw in the video how um what's her name bo she brought up something and he said something else and a lot of times you start going back and and that's the reason why the last time you know when we went to florida and you did that and you'd be like i don't even know what you're talking about what when we what what florida what you're talking about what happened to what we talking about right now no no it's just like the other day when you were cooking the rice in the kitchen why didn't and then you forget what you fussing about and it even gets more frustrating because you can't tell to uh stay on task you're trying to bring up all of the stuff you let bubble up uh by not opening up and stopping the silent treatment you're trying to deal with it all in one explosive kaboom that's right because sometimes you probably didn't get a chance to get it out in a healthy way before or communicate it but like you said it's just it was right there on the surface and this situation just made it pop off and then you start bringing out and pulling up all kinds of stuff that you really wanted to say but just didn't say it so yeah and that's why you know uh when you're angry what you start doing is pulling out of a hole you start using any type of ammunition you can get your hands on you start dragging up issues after issues to support how good you are and and how bad the other person is and you know trying to protect yourself and feel better about yourself and i like what this person kim said popping off you know that's exactly what happens and that's all involved in unfair fighting when you see these three things come up bad timing blaming too many issues then you automatically know that this is identifying the styles that are involved in unfair fighting that's right number four covering feelings with anger that's a big one because a lot of times um like we mentioned it'll come out and uh it comes out the wrong way or you try to cover it up but you're really mad um and you really [Music] cause other things like we just said right oh well i remember i remember i got angry about a uh deal you were doing with arrow records with somebody yeah i remember that and i asked the lord the lord asked me he said uh what are you afraid of yeah and i said don't you mean what am i angry about he said no your anger is just an expression of your fear and so one of the things you talk about when you when you talk about covering feelings with anger uh the underlying issue of anger is going to be fear maybe sadness guilt envy disappointment there's always an underlining issue to anger anger is just the expression of that underlining issue right and sometimes it's used to control situations and anger with people and um so yeah that's unfair number five impossible demands possible demands that's um [Music] um really being be more considerate yeah stop being so picky what i mean these when first of all they're not even knowing and uh i go back to what she said you popping off stuff you know don't be so picky uh these are impossible demands number one reason because they're so vague and when you say stuff like that and you're not willing to be very specific about what you're talking about i mean these kind of things they require the other person to you know read your mind at all times and judge whether what you are about to do is it going to be sufficient is going to be considerate is going to be over picky that's bondage i don't want to live like that and yet there that there are demands that people are putting you know and you know we need to be careful about that yeah because it's hard to improve and work on something when you don't even know what it is well people don't change their personalities like that's true really quickly and and as easily as as another spouse may think i mean you know this is a journey yeah i can't read your mind you can't read mine now that we've been together for so long we know each other without having uh to even say certain things i can look at you and tell if you're upset or same thing you can look at me but um early on it took a while um and i would be thinking that you would know what was going on in my head but that's unfair to you yes it is number six threats and ultimatums wow that's a big one yeah threatening to leave i'll move out if you don't do this if you don't do what i'm telling you to do those things are very unfair yeah and uh those impossible demands are backed up by these excessive threats and ultimatums you know you're first of all you make an impossible demand excuse me an impossible demand and then you back it up with some type of ultimatum and you know and you know i'll move out like you just said i withdraw my support i'll leave you yeah i'll leave you you and the kids hey i'll hit you i'll yeah i'll take the kids uh i'll tell on you uh i'll destroy something i i won't love you anymore yeah it goes that deep and i needed to say that because there are some marriages that when you've been fighting unfair for so long and you don't know how to strategically begin to deduce it down to all of the things that are uh underneath it then you'll get to the point where you'll become physically violent because of that frustration and that may may not be the kind of person you are but that's what happens when you don't understand how to resolve conflict and how to fight fairly that's right and even with um threatening divorce because people do that i'm going to divorce you and some people will call you bluff you know so bringing up even those threats of what i'm about to do or what i may do i know what i will do i know marriages that did that so unfair and they got divorced and they never did want to get divorced they were just trying to you know prove a point of a point and they they after they prove that they would do it yeah after they prove the point they like i ain't really want to do that but i feel like i had to do that because i felt like you would just didn't believe i would so i did yeah it put me in a corner yeah yeah so i had to come out and defend myself so sad though and prove to you that i would do what i said i would do if you didn't change or you didn't accommodate me this is real stuff and um the pandemic saw a lot of this stuff which is one of our motivations to talk about this i mean marriages were under a serious attack in the midst of the pandemic and and because people just didn't know what to do and that extra frustration that came along with all of the hidden frustrations that they had and the lack of communication skills and the lack of knowing how to resolve their conflicts and unfortunately some of them just decided you know because i just don't know what to do here because i'm so frustrated and it opens up a lot of wounds a lot of inferiority they're they're no longer together and so you know when we have these sessions like this and it's an opportunity for people to say all right i'm going to go and learn something and it's it's yeah it i don't i don't care how many years i do this the people that need to hear the most can't find a way to get where they need to be in the presence of the word so that the supernatural can begin to operate in their life so yeah number seven number seven and maybe we'll go to uh the video after this escalation yeah that's when you raise your voice you get loud start throwing things um breaking things the situation gets very provoking uh and you may feel threatened all uh so you know that's very very unfair uh because you can feel your temperature rising you can feel yourself your blood pressure going up right yeah and um i mean i used to go from disagreement to loud i felt like i was being attacked and the underlying issue was some unresolved rejection and some some areas that i should have communicated and talked about but it's one of those things where i'm gonna try to be as quiet about it as long as i can and then it came out loud and it came out uh really you can be loud and abusive with your words when yes just how you how you talk to somebody can be uh abusing the respect that you should have uh for a person so i think the loud talking going from quiet disagreement to loud talk and i think that's a part of of um that unfair fighting style that you didn't have to really get yourself in that position and even sometimes it's so wise you know i had to learn how to move myself out of the situation yes think and then be able to come back and have a conversation but certainly getting loud and and argumentative and verbally abusive is not the way you you don't resolve anything if you just when you say all you do is add on to it oh yeah now you're dealing with the hurt of how you were disrespected intense yeah you feel disrespected and you can uh easily you know get into each other's face you might get physical um that's how domestic violence starts in the home and then the police and just all kinds of things that uh once uh it gets over into that place of escalation and then uh number eight is unhappy endings um not happy endings but unhappy endings that's right tears violence um and then from there it just you know is not where you want it to be like you said maybe you stole them out or maybe it just doesn't accomplish you didn't get anything accomplished nothing accomplished you probably you're more bad you added more to the conflict more aggression yeah more frustration like do it again i wish you would do that more stress [Laughter] yeah you you didn't accomplish anything and and that's the thing you think about you it's not funny but it's not funny but you think about like you know you think at the time that by me getting this out which is kind of self-centered too anyway i get it out you know uh now i do admit even when i was counseling and even in sessions that i've gone through one of the things that it's you know when you when you've got a third party or referee there it may be good to just let it all hang out because you got somebody to go back and all right now let's let's let's chop this up in pieces where did that come from uh what was that about here's what i saw and and they can help you to see some of the stuff that your anger right came out and expressed and you're like whoa i didn't know that was an issue i didn't know that was an issue i didn't know you felt that way about that yeah and uh i like what someone said on the stream about silent treatment can also be an unhappy ending when you just realize that you can't get on the same page and it's so tiring it's it's so tight it wears you out yeah where's it at you're so tired you try to punish people with yeah silent treatment or or formal manipulation that's true you know silent treatment maybe crying just different ways you may you know unconsciously begin to develop different ways to manipulate a thing that's right and um sometimes you have to kind of really stand up then you have to hold each other accountable for listening you need to figure out how to be happy so you can be happy with me you know you need to you need to figure those things out anyway time to go ahead hit yeah next thing that's so good we're gonna go right into the video now and then we're gonna come back and talk about how to fight fear um and i think this will this will really help it's a good bridge okay i don't know where to begin but i know that this is such a mess fighting with you makes me sick day after day the thought of coming home makes me ill before i even get in the car i don't want to feel like this anymore [Music] hey i need two minutes to talk to you about bianca's violin um i don't think she's really enjoying them and it costs a bunch i know i know and she's not really practicing much oh what's this i need to talk to you about that what is this is this some kind of joke oh i i just i didn't know how to talk to you about this you don't know how to talk to me you talk to me like a man daniel you simply open your mouth this is why you you get so mad at me you go from zero to ten in like a split second and i i don't have a chance danny we're just talking this is how grown people communicate with words not with freaking letters but i don't want to fight i don't of course you don't you just want to check out like you always do every single time we have a heavy conversation oops there goes daniel blank stare no voice when i try to talk to you you shut me down you shut like everybody down okay then what does little daniel want to say okay i want to know why you get so mad at me and and the people at your job and and our friends like do you even listen when i talk to you if so you would know that's easy they're all idiots all of them every one of them that's not a real answer kate okay all right what about the kids what about them why do you get so mad at the kids i don't get mad at the kids how would they know that you're so impatient with them you're just plain mean they know that i love them they know you don't even touch them you don't even hug our children what kind of mother doesn't hug or hold her own children i don't get i'm sorry i can't be like your mother so happy and sweet all the time so sickening go ahead say it say what you want to say you don't want to hear what i have to say no i want to hear it no kate you don't i want to hear it you are emasculated you are so freaking emasculated you're afraid of your own shadow and i hate it i hate it because i have to deal with all this now because you can't be man enough to lead our family must be nice it must be nice that you get to walk around and dump your crap on everybody you come in contact with just to make you feel better and we just have to suck it up or run and hide you're not unhappy with me you're unhappy with yourself you don't like who you are you want to be mean and nasty to people you can do that all by yourself but you don't get to be mad at them they're small kate you are a bully you're a bully to our own children i'm so sorry okay i love you i i do i but this this anger i don't know where it comes from it's sucking the life out of me something's gotta change okay i love you i do hey hey hey by the way bianca sucks at the violin she does really awful isn't she yes i'll call him please sorry i know i know we know and we're going to talk about fair how to fight fear and hopefully you saw all the different eight styles in that previous video they pretty much went through all of them we were counting them out and some of your comments we were something you're coming for at the same time you better be glad ain't no sister oh boy anyway so fair fighting is a frank open discussion of differences without shouting or violence it follows strict rules to keep the exchange fair and peaceful um ideally a fair fight ends by reaching a mutually agreeable solution so that is what we want to talk about now [Music] how to create that exchange of fairness and being peaceful number one you know before you go to a mutually agreeable solution may sometimes be i agree we agree to disagree true very true yeah we agree to disagree we don't agree on everything no no no but we know how to agree to disagree yeah disagree agreeably or respect each other's difference of opinion yeah and that's okay absolutely it's not bad it doesn't make you a bad person if you disagree i think disagreements are healthy when we can do them in a respectful way and we can communicate so um conflict is inevitable it's going to happen two people two different personalities coming into oneness trying to create that bond that the bible talks about is inevitable that there's this merging um in the natural my background merging with your background and how you were raised versus how i was raised we're certainly going to see things differently and so um number two our needs are equally valid that's so important is to understand that uh [Music] our needs are on a level playing field equal playing field they're just as important to me his needs are and my needs should be just equally important to him so vital and then number three we both can win and it's not you know fighting to win and um like we said it's not a contest we're not in a competition with each other we both can win when we understand uh each other and we understand that the goal is oneness uh being on the same page to feel safe with each other um it's not about winning the argument and i think sometimes we get lost and just trying to uh maybe prove our point or um retaliate or get revenge or and those things you never come out safe on the other side because it creates a damage and wounds in the process so there are some rules you know even where fair fighting is concerned and so i i i pray that by now you you get a a picture of all of the things that are involved in and unfair fighting all the foundations that are involved in unfair fighting and again i want to congratulate those of you who made it here tonight because again it's like it's like some some marriages don't have a chance because they're not in a position to continue to learn and that's going to be the key it's uh you know even a plumber has to go to school to continue to learn how to do what he does and laurie's got to go he continues to practice a a doctor continues to practice but then in marriage we we think we don't need any practice we we don't need any more information it you know yeah yeah yeah i heard that before and then we go around looking for something real super deep that you just can't practically apply and you don't know how big of a deal it is for you to have taken the time out on a friday night to say you know this is important for me as a single person that's preparing to get married so i don't have to sit and talk about oh i wish i would have known this and it's also important for a married couple to kind of reevaluate where you are and say there are some things that we are getting right there are some things we need to talk about and work on and get better at and but it starts with that being in that position to continue to learn to continue to to seek and uh continue to want it i i realized happy people and then you and i agree with this people do really what they want to do and at the end of the day they do at the end they do they do what they want to do but our job is to continue to try to uh get it to you and that that we can win some and just try to keep doing it try to keep making it available and uh that we may save some right because we realize it isn't easy because if it were everybody yeah would stay married and be married and so um the things that we know we just want to share it because we think that it can help make a difference and the truth of it is if a person's already made their mind that they want somebody else and they want to do something then you'll make up all the excuses to everything that we're trying to teach you so you can do what you really want to do and uh so we we're not we're not ignorant to that but you know as pastors people that love you we're going to keep trying we're going to keep teaching on on things like this we're going to keep making it available we're going to keep posting it to see if you can can get it and that we might win some uh to make that happen it's just amazing to me how we can you know make ourselves put ourselves in a position where we can get emotionally uh activated and and then go straight home and have an argument i mean we've seen that before have we i mean we listen we've had some pretty anointed people in our house and and they were married and all of we've all we we've seen disagreements from every last one of them coming in the house you know they weren't throwing no ashtrays or nothing and it's over the most simple yeah dumb stuff i think back to stuff that i've gotten upset with you about the same thing just don't this is like it really when you think about it it makes no sense at all and uh so it happens to the best of us for sure you sit back and you like wow i could have handled that a lot better yeah but we keep learning we keep we keep going we keep grasping we keep moving forward and that's our prayer for you is that hopefully you'll never get into this place where you crown your marriage perfect no that's when it's probably going to fall to pieces you know but you're pursuing to get better and better all the time making an investment in that marriage so that it can continue to be everything that god wants it to be yeah so what about those fair fighting rules uh y'all wanna hear some of these rules is this helping you tonight i'm seeing some really she said he just said just called her dog i didn't hear that michael that's not true i ain't either i don't know where you coming from michael well i might become see you but you tell me you're trying to start no trouble don't try to start no trouble in my house bro ain't nobody saying none about somebody being dumb so you know you got something going on [Music] no i love you mike but anybody calling about a dumb see there's something coming at you inside something i don't know you might be trying to call somebody else dumb you might be calling your own wife done while you're talking about i'm calling me though i'm gonna leave you alone man you know we love you that's hilarious all right [Laughter] all right let's talk about these fair fighting rules man number one set a time set a time we talked about bad timing earlier um and you just really have to okay can we talk after we have dinner tonight or can we go out can we talk in the morning or just set a time that's so respectful in many different ways yeah to the other person uh you may want to get it off your chest right now no we no we're going i don't know what we're going to do or not we're going to do it right now we're going to do it right boy you better go eat us set a time and it'll be okay well we both can think and get into the details and really be present instead of exhausted and really can't function or even comprehend because it's just a bad time number two number two state the problem state the problem state the problem say what your partner does or doesn't do that you don't like so you know don't go around the bush state the problem you know by describing the facts uh of your partner's behavior you can avoid blaming you you you're the problem that's the problem you you you don't do whatever yeah it's you you don't listen yeah that's the problem you throw those insults back in there trying to get folks back we're laughing but it wasn't funny then because you have to when you state the problem you set these rules up that second rule let's state the problem say what your partner does or doesn't do that you don't like and sometimes it's good to write it down so that you can articulate it so that i don't know something may be said to kind of help you might lose thought or something but uh yeah that's that's pretty important is that pretty important number three stick to the issue because if you don't it's oh my goodness you can easily start pulling up everything you can only solve one problem at a time that's right and so don't don't go in there with all the problems one problem at a time stick to the issue solve one problem at a time don't change the subject you can find yourself kind of drifting off maybe based on you know emotion or passion or but try and redirect and get back on task yeah we we we talked about and i saw this one statement it was a really good one but we talk about communication you have to break that down you just can't say we got a communication problem and that's what we're doing now we're breaking it down mm-hmm it's so general we got a communication problem well that's why we're saying you know set a time then state the problem specifically and then stick to the issues and don't bring all these other these things will help you to communicate like you need to communicate i mean setting the time and the place is is a is a rule that you're setting for the for the communication to take place and so i think sometimes we use words that are so general and they require some some some specifications in a sense to say here's what i really want to deal with i'm going to state my problem here's what you do that i don't like uh and then you can hear that then you stick to that thing that you're talking about here this is how you get your communication going uh i know communication is a must but it's just a big fancy word that people use and they don't understand it you know i i can remember saying and you know well we we're not communicating well what does that mean so so how do you break that down you know it's an issue but for a lot of men and a lot of wives they're like i don't i don't communication in what how is that a problem i and it just you know you're tempted to shut down because you keep echoing communication communication communication and um not really knowing okay so i we have a communication problem because when we start talking about an issue you add all these other issues on so one of the ways we can kind of help our communication is you know state problem and stick to that one issue so that's what we're that's the rules of of fighting fair it's also the thing about communication yeah communication is very needed but you know you need to what how do you communicate properly and that's that's the thing that's so important so maybe you're saying you know it's a communication problem but you still don't know exactly all the things that encompasses correct communication so sometimes we can just use these words and it can become even more frustrating because it's like i don't know exactly what you're talking about i know what communication is but in what area are you you you you uh you're pointing to so yeah to try to be as specific yeah very specific as possible um and what the issue is sticking to the issue yeah um and then the next one is um expressing the full range of feelings taking responsibility ownership uh how i feel how it makes me feel i [Music] feel hurt when this happens or i feel overlooked or i feel disrespected when you do that or when you say that uh when you treat me this way um and to really take a level of accountability and personal responsibility is number four number four let's put that on the screen number four yeah i feel mad rather than you make me mad it does come off a little different you you look beyond the irritation and anger to describe your full range of feelings um so expressing feelings is not it's not the same as uh dumping feelings you know you can express your feelings that's one thing it's another thing to dump your feelings dumping is uh it's when you raise your voice is when you blame or make threats when you're angry that's that that's dumping your feelings but expressing feelings is describing the feeling without a lot of emotional heat or attacking kind of language and so you know the difference between dumping feelings and expressing feelings and once again expressing your feeling is describing your feelings without a lot of emotional heat and and attacking languages that that you use so uh this is so important you know um and also i remember taffy uh uh not doing this we we're not only we would sit there and be quiet and then we would say so that it would communicate each other uh i heard what you were saying and i and i and i will take it into consideration absolutely i heard what you were saying and i'll take it into consideration and so uh yeah yeah that that's that's good let's look at the next rule okay uh propose change how we can move forward um what is necessary for each of us to do in this situation um in this issue [Music] what um my responsibility will be what your responsibility will be what we think is the solution what do we think is a fair um [Music] yeah and and and avoid talking um in terms of attitudes uh like uh i want you to be more considerate you know you can't avoid that instead stake your state the objective in in your behavioral terms for example i want you to come right away when i say it's time for dinner i want you to talk to me at the table instead of reading the newspaper or watching television on your phone on the phone yeah i know i'm on my phone a lot it's like okay can we have this conversation so we're focusing in and we're hearing each other and we understand what is being expressed because when you become vulnerable you certainly want your partner's full attention yeah so when you talk in terms of attitude or lord rolling eyes and it's like will you please hurt me breathing hard here we go yeah body language right so when you're when you propose change not in not in terms of attitude you know you need to be more considerate now that may be true but like i don't know exactly what you're talking about you need more instead of saying you need to be more considerate you're going to say you know i want you to come to the table when it's time for dinner i don't i want you to put the cell phone up when you're there at dinner i want you to talk to me instead of see you you want to be specific and that's that's the same thing i was talking about with communication you know you can sit up there and you can talk about you know i you know you need to be more considerate it's like you know and so the other part is like what you talking about more considerate so if you'll say when i you know i work real hard getting the dinner ready so i'd like for you to come when i tell you the dinner's ready i would like for you not to have your phone on so that i can have that time i would and then that that's that's going to go a much longer way then you said i need to be more considerate so what you're doing is you avoid talking in terms of attitude you're being very specific about what you're trying to say that makes sense it does yeah number six is describe the consequences um [Music] and the benefits of the change that you're proposing the things that um will provide a beneficial outcome the results of the issue being addressed and resolved um and how it will alleviate future frustrations if we agree that we're gonna be considerate we're gonna be respectful we're gonna talk about maybe things we don't understand or things that you do or things that i do and um and how we can be on the same page feel safe in the relationship um and not be vulnerable and then feel like it was the biggest waste of time number seven prevent escalation that's number seven prevent escalation now there are three things you can do to prevent escalation in your in your relationship number one watch non-verbal behavior that which is talking about that watch non-verbal behavior behavior you know dangerous signals are like vices getting louder and threatening and gestures and a shift from sitting to standing pointing fingers fast pacing you know watch that non-verbal behavior okay all right the second thing to prevent escalation breathe deeply to slow down the pace of the exchange now i used to like like laugh at that but even when i got a lot on my head right now it really works i take a deep breath as far as i can i'm like breathe when i let it down i'm like breathe all right okay let me do that one more time some of y'all like no no you can't seriously it's something that you ought to try because when you can when you notice yourself getting excited stop talking take a deep breath inhale deeply in your abdomen release release it slowly it really works you have to feel you got to figure out how to chill because if not you know you you'll go from here all the way up here and then regret regret it we regret it when you get to that particular point and i i used to think it was just like ridiculous i ain't gonna be breathing no deeply nothing you know you breathe deeply but it it you know it it it uh i can tell the difference it's relaxing too uh so that's the second thing you're trying to figure out ways to prevent escalation and then the third area is you declare a timeout you know and there are rules for the timeout declare a timeout and the rules got to be like number one agree in advance on a signal for timeout you know i might i might say and that you that may that may be a signal that we agree on ahead of the time all right so when i do this i just need a timeout yeah give me a minute give me a minute let me just process everything uh before i say something to do something that will make the situation worse or worse than what i feel my okay that's really good you see that she said is laughing good when the other person is upset no no humor is not good at a moment like this no ma'am nobody is very very provoking it is it's very appropriate because it uh trivializes and devalues means yeah um what your partner is saying and it is not a joke um it's really just trying to uh make sure that you're relying that you're a good listener yeah uh you're hearing what's being said and it's not the time to laugh i'm glad you asked yeah that was a real good question very good question yeah so another thing after you agreed to a signal you know no last words i mean the rules for timeout is no last words and then uh the next area is like you know leave immediately the person who called timeout leaves immediately you know you you you call the timeout you need to leave immediately uh here's another one and i'm not trying to be funny but don't use drugs or alcohol during the timeout it's not a time i didn't go and i need a timeout let me go get a cigarette some nicotine all right now i can handle it then you go back in like what you say you know that's not what we're talking about here so don't use drugs alcohol yeah you're gonna drink during the time out uh and then the next one is don't rehearse uh um you know if you practice what you're gonna say when you return this will keep you upset and so don't rehearse that and then last one is check in when you get back see if it's a good time to resume the discussion uh and so those are some some things you can keep in consideration when you talk about preventing the escalation uh of a disagreement very practical folks yep we're just hey in your living room oh that's what we need um number eight is end in agreement counter proposal postponement some things you might have to agree to put on the shelf or we have to pray about it and you pray about it i pray about it we'll come back together and see what god says and you don't have to be mad in between right i ain't gonna stop being mad to you until we come back see what god say you gotta learn how to just kind of you know propose that we it's like a peace talk yeah go before god and just say you know lord help me i don't even understand what is being asked of me i don't even comprehend um and so i've agreed to work on it i listened and heard and gonna do my part and keep this bond as strong and stay strong as it needs to be yeah number six you want to know that was uh describe the consequences you know we were talking about at that point describe any practical emotional financial health or other benefits of the change you are proposing so uh describe the comp the uh the uh consequences the example is if if you turn the computer off and get to bed by 11 then we can be close like we we used to be i feel closer to you and you'll get the the sleep that you need and you know so you you want to describe the consequences yeah uh that you're proposing so that was number six for whoever just asked that and this is all very general you have to figure out what works for you and your marriage and uh every marriage is different and um you know consequences you will end up in the same place and everybody's two uniquely individuals and so god made us that way and um don't try to make your marriage somebody else's marriage please don't copy uh what other people are doing you know they do date nights every friday night and so you you're trying to make ignite friday night and you're exhausted because you've worked all week and you know it may be better to do a saturday night so it's like okay what is the best situation um to achieve the outcome that you're looking for so yeah god wants you happy that's right we want you happy we want you happy too and um you know as long as you kind of you know continue to kind of get overly deep with the subject and and not hunger for simplicity and hunger for practicality where because i'm really wanting to do what's necessary to have a happy life and a happy marriage and and to do what needs to be done um i think it's a big issue when you expect for your partner uh to not have some imperfections and marriage is the journey and it's it's one of these journeys that you are pleased to take together [Music] uh and you you've got to just decide and like i said if you have something the quickest way to tear down a relationship is lying and walking in a level of deception and i mean it i'm not talking about big stuff i mean you know i remember when i was around uh some friends that said i like this particular food and then when taffy cooked and i'm you know up saying i don't like that and she like well you know i need to figure out what you doing because one time you said you liked it not you don't like it and so it's important that you know you don't deceive yourself uh and saying that you're i was uh i wasn't saying i i love her but i ain't in love with her i loved it to him i looked at him but i ain't in love with it with him yeah it's like it's just what is that yeah what happened it's an excuse to try to do what you really want to do yeah and i think that's a that's uh that's a real conversation that that i hope that we've given you uh some things tonight that you can have that real conversation rather than continuing to shoot down every excuse that come or shoot down every solution that comes your way because you want to preserve what you really really want to do and uh and that's the conversation you need to have that's the place where you need to begin to talk about what you really really really want to do and then begin to work that out so hey uh we hope this helped you tonight we're not going to try to keep you all night long although we have so so much more to talk about we are talking about uh great space relationships on sundays right now we're in the area of friendships and then we're gonna move into the area of marriage and i'm gonna do a special session for men because uh yeah i'm concerned our men have been appointed by god to be something so special and i don't know if it has ever been made clear we've taken that uh assignment and put it on a woman when in fact it is the man's call and assignment and uh you know i want to be compassionate with the men but i want to absolutely show them that they don't have to be afraid anymore and uh and uh moving into the marriage seeing the god-given anointing that god has given to every man which is why it's so important for men to be the first one in church the first one to get the word the man's got to come to the place that god has called him to and i believe that the men are going to have there's going to be a revival of manhood in the body of christ i really believe that and we're gonna we're gonna see some mighty things happen my prayer is and i see it happening i see it happening man i've been looking at the stats my prayer is that that the the there's gonna be a such a revival of manhood that that's going to revive marriages it's going to result it's going to it's going to revive families it's going to revive the the wealth and prosperity in our homes and i i want to be a part of that that resolution of manhood and so you know we love you guys and we believe in you and we believe that the best is yet to come in your life we want you happy we want you through we want you thrilled and we want you back together and if you if you guys made a mistake and you're like separated right now and you're thinking man i now understand some stuff now uh put the pride aside um come together maybe rerun this teaching look at it together and uh and say listen i want to do this thing i i i don't know what it is it's something just destructive in a man's heart when he goes through a divorce that he knew he could have done better and so let believe with me for that revival of manhood and revival of family and revival of prosperity in our homes and so um you know i want to appreciate and thank taffy for uh making sure all this stuff was together and courtney and chardee for helping us tonight yes thank you all so much for just um [Music] tuning in and pray that it was a blessing and lord we just pray you want to pray for marriages go ahead father i just pray for every person who's watching lord i pray for their relationships lord we lift them up to you right now and father we just believe for heaven on earth for days of heaven on earth and our relationships father we believe for grace-based relationships relationships that are built on love and truth and honesty transparency and peace goodness and faith and father we just declare that you are good and may that goodness continue to flow through us out to our spouse and out to our children and and impact our churches and our communities and so father we just ask that you will continue every marriage um that's tuned in here to grow and to flourish and to uh encourage each other to bring the best out of one another and to cause each other to reach their highest and the best potential that they have and to reach the the purpose for their marriage on earth and so father we just thank you for this time together i pray that the things that were shared that you can go beyond the information and cause the holy spirit to even provide revelation and we thank you for it and we believe we receive it in jesus name amen amen amen we love you so much love y'all so much god bless you and uh we hope to see you this weekend and uh i think this will run over again on youtube yes so you can get it and sit down and look at it again and hopefully taking some better notes if we were talking a little bit too fast well folks um jesus love you and we love you and we're going to let this last video and we're going to let this last video play and we'll be and we'll let you look forward to seeing you soon [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: Creflo Dollar Ministries

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Id: EMbjt7OKU9Y

Length: 74min 57sec (4497 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 16 2021