MAD TV - vol 10

yeah Oh Wendy I am so stoked to be spending the night at your house we're gonna have such a blast you are a trooper you know I cannot believe how well you are taking your parents divorce Oh it'll be okay no I mean it's your family breaking up because I am so grateful my parents are still together that's the table I made the dinner because apparently I do everything around here because I'm a boy oh are you are you my slave that is your master I command you to shut up so we can have five minutes of silence dad this is my friend Beth she's gonna spend the night right Beth hi oh right how was your poor mother Oh No she's fine in fact she goes out all the time now and she's taking flamenco lessons what a tragedy well dinner is being served by me because I don't want everything around there you're right you do you do all the bitching all the complaining you mean the house that my parents are letting us live in rent-free is that the house you're talking about mr. mortman's don't strain your bad back [Music] I'm sorry this must be so weird for you yeah little don't be sad not everybody's parents can stay together I'm just lucky [Music] no eating until I say grace grace yeah that was hilarious there it is there's that trademark wit and clever banter that makes you such a hit at all the cocktail parties just maybe we're never invited because someone got so hammered she drove the caterers truck in this to panic swimming pool I'm hungry can't we starve please please please enjoy the meal that I've prepared yes girls let's take a look at the wonderful food your mother has slaved over a Caesar salad lettuce croutons and dressing in a ball are you some kind of wizard Roy I am begging you has every fiber of my being can we please have one dinner that is not drowning hey Beth and I get to chair at the game against Kenwood Academy Oh oh yeah and you know what they picked us over to seniors and like that never happens you know girls I used to be a cheerleader oh yeah about 50 pounds ago what are you even talking about Roy in same week that I was in high school [Applause] [Music] my father yes yes please stay I want you to see this college so I can leave you I have scraped and raised in order to construct the perfect child hey you want to go spend the night at my mom's house totally [Applause] I'm glad you saw my ad on the trip Bolton boy I just love caring for children um does your son have any special needs I should know about oh no he's just your average little bored [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] that's right just like your father George come on over here and meet Brenda she's the new babysitter hi Stuart I'm Bryn sweetie it's okay I'm just gonna say [Music] oh yeah I'm sorry I'm afraid Stuart's just not very good at meeting new people I've even talked to the professionals about his neighbor assured me it's just something that he'll grow out of and for no I guess I'm just forced to use patience understand [Applause] [Music] well no Stewart you haven't even really met her yet no be a big boy and go ahead and get acquainted with her go on no mamas got to go upstairs and put on her shoe not change yes it is my first date since Stuart's father left us on Tuesday so why didn't you go out on a date with Daddy okay just stay away from the shirt whoa [Music] hey Stuart uh so you like your daddy huh mom told me that your dad left on a Tuesday how does that make you feel [Music] because I think I know how because I grew up without a daddy too and it's important for you to know uh Stuart that you know sweetie that's not your fault [Music] not very nice say that will if I do can we be friends then well well then never mind no I don't need to be your friend I'm just gonna sit here and I'll read a magazine no Stuart your mother doesn't want you to have that don't put it on your tongue counts that is sugar on the outside of that I'm sure it is but that's alright that's enough right there that's that look just put it down Stuart don't don't don't put check it out [Applause] I'm sorry now I'm gonna tell you mother [Music] [Music] I still have to tell your mother about the cookie no yes I do all right Stuart Stuart I'm gonna say a little secret okay you can't manipulate me because I'm smarter than you so let's agree to be friends and play a game let's play [Music] Stuart you are not gonna have me fired [Music] no no I can clear this up it all started when Stuart ate a cookie a cookie well no I thought I made it perfectly clear no much anger he's trying to manipulate as it wasn't my fault oh well now yes it was Brenda I was counting on you for proper guidance no he's just a simple boy he couldn't make his way out of a paper bag [Music] well I'm afraid this just isn't gonna work out I see Stewart looks like you got your way this time by mrs. lark can you very clever little boy on your hands goodbye Brenda goodbye Stewart the story for tonight just one more thing I get a lot of flack about my hair is it real or is it a wig well tonight I'm gonna settle this nonsense once and for all I've got the urge [Music] with its all natural botanicals organic herbs and intoxicating are the most handsome and virile man on late-night television okay girls now it's time to wash the downstairs the essence champion a totally organic experience and welcome to mad TV's Super Bowl Saturday pre Super Bowl Sunday pregame show hello everyone I'm James Brown along with the coach Jimmy Johnson hall-of-famer Howie long and of course our very own and talented Terry Bradshaw you know what the next hour is absolutely going to be great TV you know man I'm gonna tell you right now MADtv is a funny funny show I mean I watch it all the time you know why cause it's funny I'm telling you funny you do yeah that's what it says right there on that cue card funny show watch it well I guess it's pretty humorous hey folks anyway one of the big stories tomorrow is going to be the weather in Jacksonville and here filling in for our own jillian Barberie is guest meteorologist and a Nicole Smith [Music] [Applause] now let's go to the weather hi hit up a picture of my ex-husbands lamp thingy [Music] meows meows I'm over here oh okay hush everybody we gotta talk about that [Music] what does got this is weird [Music] it's cheerleaders oh my gosh I used to never be a cheerleader [Music] give me an M give me an S where it spells [Music] [Music] [Applause] thank you she said it's going to be 72 and cloudy look I know I'm fluent in gold-digging trailer trash [Applause] right lien grinning Cosby brighten your day I'm a prospective employee are there any job openings there under what come here ah so you want to work here huh all right listen up buddy let me set you straight all right this is the worst place in the world to work okay missus Breitling and her son are the most horrid putrid evil people on the planet they're old and they stink like urine and cabbage it was the pregnancy here they come [Music] [Applause] [Music] what do you send it that cabbage huh listen here man if I could good girl this gnarled twisted clover hand of mine to make the finish of it right now you doubt right you wanna you dingleberries answered the phone people and all you're talking excuse making you simply doing my job as I was doing my job thinking of you oh thank you do think thinking of you sir face to face loser for us striped shirts by Kia modern says metrosexual male get me thinking a new card let me just make up a card on this on the spot are you Thank You Pillsbury Dough Hall [Music] alright not well now your desk he's gone here's here's a greeting card here's a green well I'll be thinking of you get back to work we'll be back don't look at my direction pardon me I'm begging you for the new file clerk where can I find the snack room listen lady cut your losses and get out this is the worst place to work on the face [Music] your piece of me your piece of me I'll be happy to breakdown but huge portion stick it right your back that's what you want room piece holy pancreatic sister I want a piece of that [Music] [Music] what a set of wheels you have there Thank You mr. de CBC a dual exhaust and so are you I'll tell you what if the if the blood vessels to my Johnson were completely carbon cholesterol and black I would be fully erect on there we're not surgically removed ah I know they would certainly be attracted to you I feel I feel moved to do something I haven't done a long time change your own colostomy bag mother no I want to compose a gift card especially for you yeah it's called first blood here go when I see you I go berserk even though my legs don't work here my mood and now you're coming let's fly away you were getting between me and my lady okay stop it stop it right now visit bailing your son is clearly in love I mean I know it's hard for a mother they let go but everyone deserves a chance of happiness I don't want happiness yell bang I want to get laid [Music] [Applause] dr. this seems so unnecessary why couldn't we just handle this over the phone look again I don't prescribe ad D drugs for children over the phone I like to meet my patients before diagnosing them I wish we lived in Mexico [Music] dot dot [Music] [Applause] too much bacon I turn into a pig [Music] now we have company let's take we have company [Music] from some dot this is dr. Peters you're never gonna guess what Santa Claus gave me for Christmas oh um rub-on tattoos how did you know that are you a sidekick no I'm not psychic do you know the devil can you give him a message no I don't know the devil but but if I did what would be your message I'm ready to make a deal [Music] doctor anytime you want to hand over that prescription and run out of here like a scared cat I understand I had a nickel for every time I heard a parents say that and then tomorrow I could be an ATM [Music] no no no no God we're not playing that game anymore I already have hundreds of dollars of unspent able nickels thank you very much observed that you and your father go about your nightly normal routine and just pretend I'm not even here [Music] that's way past her bedtime it's it's almost 3:00 in the afternoon [Music] spend time let's go [Music] [Music] all right try one more time am i handsome now [Music] you please go into the bathroom and brush your teeth No [Music] doctor for the love of God would you please drug her well I'll admit dot is very active yes you know but for a seven-year-old child I'm not seeing anything out of the ordinary tangled in my hair really nothing doc nothing out of the ordinary at all means nothing not the deal with the devil not the eating the coals go get this is it mr. Goddard I know parenting can be very trying but that's part of the job you know nothing about that job lady have you ever been driving down a freeway at 70 miles an hour and had your car thrown in Reverse have you ever had your dog walking around and you go why does it have green eyes and realize it's wearing your contact lenses have you ever spent every waking moment of your life wondering if you smell smoke stuck in the hair how can you get scissors how does that happen [Music] yes you can [Music] [Laughter] [Music] [Music] all right here's a prescription that I make parenting easier thank you is it something strong for her uh actually it's for you it's valium should I just send you the bill actually no I'd like to pay in cash all right this came from dots ATM machine [Music] [Applause] introducing the dictor family Carleton family and now here's the star of the family [Applause] oh sure [Music] all right here we go again anything is yesterday and the day before that rain my version of a remade version of a bad show yay laughs you [Music] you both seem very excited what I feel like okay here we go yeah ask you a question let's to correct answers you guys you're nothing to me hit the blood bye bye alright here we go doc you're on the board name a job that would make someone clinically depressed dentist highest rate of suicide chummy done just stupid gas all right yeah you can't you still think of a job someone else to do right here may have okay they'll make you pray for your own death game show host I don't even have to look show me game jaws [Applause] all right crying family I cannot give her a judge but you want to pass her play make up your freaking mind family here we go give me God now what are you do for a living now just make sure you say what it is and then stop talking I'm a high school principal High School Principal I bet you discouraged sense of fat kids from pursuing their dreams I like to buy your stupid school all right you got that tree right there make all affected kings here a job they were taught someone to spiral into a black unusable diversion ambulance driver yeah make the wrong buzzing noise myself now the dicks got a chance to steal it god [Applause] hey dickweed the colonies are morons I got a chance to like them smug stupid smog doctor faces here we go our family's name is actually dip Durer [Music] first you you called us dicks and then you refer to us as the dickweed you guys that means the world's gonna end huh it's the worst job on the face of this planet the person you pay to hold you at night on me at night [Music] shut up that escort Louie pays Altima night dance for decades do bad escorts you're not people all right people don't steal your door while you're sleeping get the boys [Applause] your name joined a wig they get my kicks any way I can folks get off my back all right there's no I got a meeting in about ten minutes so let's skip down to this Hina show and go right to that target everybody knows hey the freaking lightning oh there we go [Applause] okay yeah hey the lightning round Japanese being taken to the same soundproof booth where I go to cry alright sorry Beth I just farted okay there you go yeah that's your five questions on and then [Music] [ __ ] okay here we go now aim something I gave up when I took this job I dignity aside for money what your sorry's not doing is ratchet your money is the only reason they'll be high points for that one okay what's the fetish that get you through my days you stir your coffee with your penis you know how to keep a secret man let's see how you did here I go [Music] [Applause] stop jumping up and down Club work big mouth let's bring out that rat face sister yours come on here okay I found this gene and this happy tanned type of haagen-dazs in the booth give Julie back his medicine all right okay God face your sister just got 198 not too bad all you need is 2 points don't mess it up here you go hey check it out you didn't know I can store food in my teeth all right that's exciting okay here we go name something I gave up my job or I don't really care about your job okay I cannot believe and you ripped my mother's wig off good inside the money what you're sorry and I'm doing the dressage oh you don't show you this Richard show used to be a good show richard Dawson was a genius yeah I can't believe we made this trip for nothing well paid what's the finish it gets me through my games you would stop eating yourself to death and get on with your life you wouldn't be such a sad son of a [ __ ] I think you just been putting it off [Music] [Applause] my fetish does involve eating my stuff to death the colleagues get the points and win the freakin soul what a happy day I was going the Africa name ringin off the more fuel to remember because if family does mine were junk [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you see hey you wanna hang out sorry Eddie busy right now at a club every time I turn around a creep but tired eighties discus sound aah it's totally made she's worse than Justin Timberlake [Music] [Music] [Music] look at my cane and look her I stick it it was in my pants who wants to lick it [Music] [Music] know your God will fill my hunger [Music] please [Music] hi everybody let's move [Music] come on everybody whoa [Music] good evening I'm Otto lemon and this is Washington journal tonight or the u.s. and North Korea headed for war here with me our North Korean ambassador to the United States sang Cheol Yong and interpreter for this interview based and would like to begin with a statement ahead Jo Seok I'm Sonny doc we United States walk moon Johnny oh he said he don't know how you say hi yes hi and then what'd you say striped striped yes yes and then you say up hi yes okay tell all my [ __ ] your cell okay more when you go I'm sorry I don't [Music] yes and then when you say that when you go okay maybe I could just ask him a question ambassador in your estimation is Kim jong-il and unbalanced volatile presence in your region or a shrewd calculating dictator okay young man what's happening okay it's like it's like it's I'm sorry Daniel yeah who this [ __ ] he knows speak Korean he speak Ghibli gosh I don't know how this happened who hired this man no please don't you [Music] in Korea I don't know what babo means but apparently mr. Jung has been insulted so I'm just gonna wrap this up here [Music] ooh Bob all right bottom line North Korea launches a missile our way we launch one there's everybody dies good night [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] listen to Bao I'm really happy I run I need a new credit card this one's broken actually I'm out the door right now oh pretty please this is my emergency credit card and I gotta buy emergency concert tickets all right give it to me see what the problem is okay I see your problem you owe over $5000 that is impossible I don't even have $500 oh my god I know what happened I need to report my credit card stolen this credit card the one you still have oh yeah the thief must have taken it and use it and then put it back in my purse yeah and I guess the thief before he put it back in your purse he went to Jamba Juice yeah he must have because I would never support such a disgusting Global conglomeration of them smoothies and yet there is a six dollar charge at Jamba Juice at least three times a week obviously this this freak is stealing my car to put it in my purse over and over again can you bleep know I can't believe people miss I'm sure I can't help you you're gonna have to learn how to curb your spending in the meantime I'm gonna have to cut up your card okay all right I'm sorry oh yes I lied all right okay I didn't want to have to tell you this but you know what I have been in this business for 20 years and I've heard every excuse I'm a werewolf that's a new one see I transform into this werewolf and when I'm in this bloodlust I even have to kill people I spend money it's this hope sure if you are not gonna take your budgetary problems seriously I can't do anything [Music] amazingly the women and children are safe you should just raise my credit limit give me my card and I will get out of here before this happens again you know what's weird about you becoming a werewolf there's no full moon and it's 11:30 in the morning I can't make sense of this I don't know maybe it's some sort of curse or something you know the only curse is your credit card debt which you are gonna have to pay immediately [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] you suck you play no if you had that would mean you're a vampire I'm sorry try to figure out the rules to this crazy thing really well while you're trying to figure that out I am going to send your report to the credit card collection agency [Music] okay fine your werewolf did all this just go see my assistant will raise your limit a little bit and we'll set up a payment plan that you can deal with your car alright do I still get the bonus miles no you don't get the bonus is better yeah you're welcome Wolfie can I get a card from my boyfriend [Music] [Applause] everybody grab a partner cuz we're gonna play some get-to-know-you games and remember if you don't get a partner you're gonna spend the night locked up and I'll only losers dungeon yo man I got the Little Mermaid hey that's cool cuz I'm all over this sweet blonde princess in the cow business excuse me fair maiden [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hello there fine sir my name is Trina going on a mark I don't tell me a pretty lady like yous all alone well I wasn't until last week when my boyfriend pushed me out of his car drove back to prison and left me for dead let's see if my glass slipper fits oh don't count on it [Music] see there was this black widow spider that crawled out of my mattress can bit me in three places here here and here [Music] Cinderella what what happens at midnight well usually I'm putting my panties back on and asking Jorge the maintenance men if you'll just stay for the whole night but then he reminds me that he's married and he whisks away and so I start downing the rocky-road nyquil until I pass out on the Davenport but you know what now that I've met you but you know what My Fair Prince what's that I have to be perfectly honest with you you see Cinderella can't have any babies my pumpkin doesn't have any seeds it's just all carved out really nice meeting is it yeah yeah wait where are you going I just I just need a little bit of me time okay everybody just one more minute to grab a partner or else you are alone [Music] oh hi there matey hey Cinderella hey you got any hot evil stepsisters yeah no but I do have an evil stepmother she hated me so she shaved my head and locked me in the basement and she fed me dinner by dropping pickles down the laundry chute that's horrible no not really you see I passed the time by learning how to catch moths with my tongue [Music] I'm sorry I gotta go no I really got these you can bury your treasure hey you know what I was really drunk and I still don't want this is your last chance to partner up [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] I've been waiting all my life please baby oh and I've been waiting for a baby all my life [Music] [Applause] Barinholtz it's very early in the morning and we're here at the Canton Hat premiere there was Ron Peterson it's too early for a movie but it's not too early to see stars isn't that right I can't remember big this exciting this is Ron's first one of these days and he's a little anxious oh my God look it's Tom Arnold where'd you get that hat huh I got it at the gift shop they're selling them for $87 that's it 87 dollars it's the best 87 dollars I've ever spent typical Hollywood primary because a lot of people don't look good earlier I think everyone looks terrific this morning except for someone who didn't visit the Sandman [Music] would you eat green eggs in depends how the cooked in a box with a fox probably in a house with the mouse why don't you show us just a bit of your talent as an actor and just pretend you know us for a sec yeah

Channel: Classic MADtv

Views: 902,188

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Id: uCJ8MpucvTk

Length: 53min 56sec (3236 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 05 2020