LOUIS CK is a great STORYTELLER

it's harder having a dog because children develop and dogs just stay dumb and they never figure it out and when you're i don't know if you've ever had a dog that's had a medical problem but you can't get their cooperation when you that you need to help them because you can't say them you know you have this problem you see yeah i had this dog when i took my dog to the vet the first time uh she was a i don't know a year old when i adopted her and the vet told me don't let your dog eat dark chocolate i don't know if you know this but i've heard this that yeah it's dark chocolate is supposed to be poison to dogs kills them and vets won't explain it further either it's like why does it kill them oh just they die like they won't tell you what like what do i do if my dog eats dark chocolate watch her die or leave the room but the vet did tell me there's one thing you can do which is give your dog hydrogen peroxide and that foams up in the dog's belly and then they throw it up with the chocolate that's what you should know to do that but you gotta do it quickly before they ingest the chocolate all right so i come home like uh six months later sure enough my dog get dark chocolate i had friends who had stayed over and they didn't know they left dark chocolate in low places right which is very uh here's a good place for this yes i could put it on this high shelf but i think not they put it down i may be crawling on the floor later that's right you might not need a snack so what so you're calling my dog had your dog eating i'm eating a whole big bar of dark polish chocolate the polish part doesn't matter but i like saying polish chocolate and my dog had chocolate on her face and and i went oh my god and she looked at me like i was home for an hour alone what are you gonna you know come on and i was like you're gonna die and she's looking at me like i don't understand english but i get that you're upset and uh and so i'm thinking i gotta get hydrogen peroxide into this dog but i don't have any so i've got to go to the pharmacy and she needs to come with me because there's no time i'm in new york city and i take my i put the leash on her she's like excited we're going for a walk and i'm running and she's like this is great for you you never exercise she's just enjoying it and then we get to the pharmacy and she's waiting for me when i come out and i've got a bottle of hydrogen peroxide that i have to make her drink yeah like take yourself through that how do you make a dog like you just hear drink this you know so i kind of pour a little in her snout and she goes like that and so i kind of grab her and i pour them once she she goes i think i was pretty clear that i didn't like that like she looks at me like she's trying to figure out what's going on here and so i get my whole body around her this dog was 70 pounds she was like an alligator and if she didn't want to drink something she's just thrashing i'm like drink it and at one point i have her on the end of the leash and she's looking at me all wet in the face and she gives me this look like i don't know what happened to you but our thing is over you anymore i'm a dog and she starts going all right she became completely vicious she's trying to bite me and i'm trying to save her life yeah so i'm literally i'm punching her in the face and splashing this stuff i'm holding her here kicking her in the stomach and people i look and there's hundreds of people on the sidewalk just horrifying yeah there's cars stopping they're honking at me she's gonna die i'm like this is a nightmare and finally i got enough in up her nose and whatever and she was like dude uh just huh and then she just like a pump just and just brown yeah brown like she's like another dog is coming out of her and she made it but she never liked me after that she hated me because from her point of view i just went no you went nuts i lost my reason i'll tell you this story about one time that i thought i was gonna die i think it's the only time where i thought why wouldn't this be when i die i was on a plane i've been on a lot of planes and a lot of shitty weather and stuff but this [ __ ] was [ __ ] up i was in indianapolis on a plane waiting to take off and we're sitting there and the pilot comes on and he says uh all right folks um the fuel gauge is broken so we're waiting for maintenance so we wait about 20 minutes and he comes back on folks the fuel gauge is still broken uh but we're gonna go anyway uh we know how much fuel we have we feel confident it'll be okay so we're gonna go i'm thinking okay well he's a pilot i'm sure he's going by some manual that says you know if the fuel gauge breaks call maintenance if they're not there in 20 minutes [ __ ] it fuel gauges are overrated just go you're fine just top it off and remember what happened so then we still don't take off and a guy comes back on uh folks we have another problem laguardia airport in new york won't give us clearance to take off because the weather has been bad there intermittently so we're going to wait for that so we wait 20 minutes then he comes back on folks laguardia still hasn't given us clearance but we're going to go anyway we're looking at the radar we think the weather will be fine so what we're going to do is uh say that our destination is philadelphia we'll get clearance to go there halfway to philadelphia we'll switch courses to the gorilla airport we'll be heavier in a few minutes i swear to god he said this first of all i'm pretty sure you're supposed to be honest with the dude in the tower like does dude the tower have to go really you're gonna come on tell me where you're going and why is he telling us this [ __ ] am i gonna have to corroborate this lie if we get pulled over by the sky police at some point in the flight oh no we're totally going to philly i got a brother there and uh we got a thing in philly but i'm still fine with it because we're travelers on the pla yeah i got a thing [ __ ] it i'm immortal just go please yes go into marginal weather with shoddy equipment secretly i totally support his plan so we take off we get above where we are right now and it's just a black [ __ ] of a cloud it's just like the wizard of oz it's just there's trees thrown apples at us it's crazy it's just horrible and we're getting the whole flight and we're making these circles and me and the guy next to me are both listening to the tower you know how you can plug into your seat sometimes and you can listen to the tower talk to the area airplanes and we we keep hearing our guy trying to get clearance to land from laguardia ah this is delta 288 uh requesting clearance to land and it's a negative 288 low visibility a few minutes go by as delta 28 we would really like clearance to land yeah that's a negative 288 like he was getting annoyed and meanwhile we're just circling and burning this vague amount of fuel we could just stop being an airplane at any second and then we hear this this is all true this the laguardia as laguardia airport to all area airplanes we are closed for the night zero visibility not safe for landing please divert to philadelphia or allentown pennsylvania or boston and then we hear our guys this is delta we need we need to land now we have no fuel we have no fuel we have to land right now interesting then there's a pause and then we hear this well then i'm clear to land then 280 uh that's how he said like dude no one can see okay but just i i guess all the dumb decisions you made today have made this a good one just take a shot i'm going home just [ __ ] turn the lights off after you crash i don't give a [ __ ] frankly by the way you're not supposed to be here you [ __ ] liar you said you're going to philly so as soon as we get clearance we just like we start bulleting we're either flying desperately towards the ground or falling i don't know that there's a difference we come out of the clouds and there's the [ __ ] earth right [ __ ] there it's right there that's what low visibility means we come out of the clouds no [ __ ] it's right to jesus and the plane just and you can feel the plane go oh [ __ ] i can't do that what are you nuts and we go and veer over the highway i swear to god i saw people in their cars go what the [ __ ] and we hit the runway like sideways [Music] and the pilot comes back on all true i swear to god he's totally out of breath he's like welcome to our airport new york city you may turn on your cell phones now and you may call your loved ones he said that he said you may call your loved ones and everybody on the plane was crying and rocking back and forth just sobbing calling their husbands and their wives i'm divorced what am i gonna remember you hate me well i almost died i got in a cab and the cab driver goes that was a very bad landing i was like how'd you know that was me it's like that's the only plane to land in four hours we all watched the drivers we said that are going to die 1994 i went to russia and it had just become russia again it was the soviet union until really that year everything started to crash down and at the time i was a writer for the conan o'brien show and i had written there for two years and i was burnt out and i didn't want to do it anymore so i went to the head writer and i said i have to quit because i think i'm going to have a nervous breakdown and he said take two weeks off and we'll pay you for the two weeks and i said okay i'll do that so i had nowhere to go and i thought maybe i'll go to russia i really don't know why i can't really explain any decisions i made then because i have children now so you don't have to search when you have children you're not like oh what what could i do to enhance my life you're just sort of compelled to do whatever comes at you at a certain age in life but i was in my 20s i had no wife not i had no girlfriend even i just was this guy and i had money from a tv job and so i just said i'm gonna go to russia because when i was a kid i used to read russian novels and i'd love them and i would open all the windows so i would be cold and i wanted to be cold like they were so i just decided i'm gonna go and also somebody told me that the wall had just come down to the soviet union and that russia was a really crazy place at the time so i said i'm gonna go there i speak no russian i can't even look at the alphabet and understand what i'm looking at there's no place more foreign to me than russia so i went i went to moscow which is when you land in moscow it's just forest and there's a city in the middle of just forest it's terrifying and as the plane goes down you're like no no no i didn't want to really do this and the whole time there i couldn't fend for myself it was already a country that was just broken in pieces and the weirdest things happened to me there and i just they just became normal after a while like i went i was in a restaurant and a waiter came up to me not my waiter and he said coca-cola and i said uh-huh he said coca-cola and i said sure i don't drink coca-cola but i had learned by that point to just don't just go just do what they're asking you to do sure so he went to the kitchen and he got a coke and a can and he handed it to me and he said five dollars because only dollars were worth anything there and i said okay on my bill he said no five dollars me now so i gave him five dollars and he put on his coat and he left he just sold me a coke on the side and then quit his job so those are the kind of confusing moments i was having there and i couldn't talk to anybody and i was so lonely it's difficult i mean i was alone and i just sit in the room go okay that was really [ __ ] up day i hated that day and i tried to watch television and the tv was american shows like dynasty and the way they translate they didn't have what they did was the sound is a little down and there's just one man saying all of the dialogue over the whole show i was there for two weeks and it just was crushingly i had made no contact with anyone and then one day i went into the subway now if you've never been to moscow the one thing i learned there is that well the streets are very i can't gesture with this it's beautiful but i can't keep punching you in the face with a big white fist okay the streets in moscow during the cold war they were made wider so that they could have missiles going down the middle of the street for the parades and if you go there you'll find out if you go behind the big buildings they actually tore the buildings off of their foundations and dragged them back and a lot of the bigger buildings in moscow in the back they're being held up by like bricks it's really unnerving how unsafe the whole city is so the streets are very wide and you can't cross the street on a green light you'll never make it so they made tunnels so you can go under and those are connected to the subway and the subway in moscow you go down in an escalator and you keep going until you think i this is it just keeps going like this is so deep this is really upsetting but anyway everyone hangs out in these tunnels i went in the middle of december i went to russia in the middle of december alone and i'm standing in the subway and i'm watching a violin player and the one thing about russia still today i think is that no one has any money so when you see a guy playing the violin in the subway he's like the first chair violin for like the russian symphony orchestra because that doesn't pay [ __ ] and at least he can get a few kopecks in the subway so i'm watching him and everybody these other people are sitting on the floor and we're crying everybody's crying everybody it's just normal people are just watching just wiping away tears and there's a young fella sitting here and he looked my age i was 25 at the time he looked about 25 and he was tattered and just watching this violin player and then this group of kids walked by about eight children ranging from five to ten years old and their faces were dirty like you know like an oliver twist like they were in a play like they had rubbed dirt on their face and they're all wearing men's coats that they're wearing is like a dre like you know from the neck down to the floor and none of them have sleeves their hands in their sleeves their sleeves are just flopping they were like street urchin kids and the coats it just looked like these men's coats and you kind of knew all the men who owned those coats are dead and at least one of these kids killed those guys like i swear i looked at an eight-year-old's face and thought he has murdered and that's what they look like just tough little kids and i could i'd seen them before in moscow they work in groups the guy sitting below me that i identified with called out to the head kid in the front i don't speak russian so i just knew he was going uh he's appealing to him but there's he needed something and the kid with his hands in his sleeve looked at him suspiciously and said this like what the [ __ ] why what do you want from me and the guy went explaining himself and he showed that his shoe had come apart and he showed that his shoe was like a flap and he showed the game but they did then he showed him his shoe and the kid shrugged and said this dude like okay and the kid's hand appeared from out of the sleeve and there was a a tube of shoe glue in his hand he didn't rummage for it it was already there and he handed it to the guy and the guy fixed his shoe with the glue gave it back from juice dude and then the kid from the other he took another his other hand had a paper bag and he put the glue in and he and he huffed it and his eyes rolled back and he got high and then the group kept going and i couldn't believe what i just saw that the misery in this country at that time was so calculable and so predictable that this guy thought my shoe's broken oh there's a child he's sure to have some glue in his hand because the state of our nation is so wretched and i looked and he looked at me and i and i was startled and then he laughed and i laughed and he's the only person i had any contact with in the whole of the soviet union and i realized this is why i came here to find out how bad life gets and that when it's this bad it's still [ __ ] funny that's all i got thank you i gotta also ask uh look at the boat we'll have with your boat oh yeah yeah that was that was all the sudden like wow louie's like a tabloid guy popping around his boat just hanging out waiting for the [ __ ] got stuck in the mud uh his new black crow's album it was my first test yes i was my first day in the stuck in the mud i just bought it and i spent one day on it with some guy who showed me the specifics of the boat but it's a big [ __ ] boat with two engines and it's really complicated to drive and i put my i took my girls out on it and as we were pulling out of the marina my daughter was like how do you know how to do this and i was like it's not that big a deal like i was defensive with my ten-year-old it's not that big deal i could do this and we went around manhattan and i got in all this [ __ ] i had no qualifications that's a crazy waterway because it's the current on these things especially what are they what do they call that [ __ ] actuary they call it devils something that's like something health health gate that's right yeah right on the converge is right there the rivers kind of split the long island sound collides with the harlem right right that's it it gets a little dicey over there really don't say the harlem river around anthony today no i'm all right it's sensitive there's been a renaissance up there in the moment when we were in that cauldron and we just smashed like the boat felt like it was coming apart and my seven-year-old screamed and her sister held her eyes like close enough it was like i'm putting this is really stressful really yeah just north of uh roosevelt island yeah that's correct and are you thinking i just want somebody who knows how to do this here right now and then we went up to the harlem river which is very uh it's like a glass yeah really nice and so now everybody we got through it and we're really happy and i i've got uh frozen burritos and macaroni and cheese so we're going to pull over throw the anchor and we're going to make lunch and uh so i find this little cove this sweet little cove nice and uh in harlem there's yeah and there's people uh in a park next to it and it's just a nice place where i pull in there and the boat just stops moving all of a sudden and uh everything starts beeping yeah the boat is cooled by water in that it's sitting in so now it's just sucking mud up into this it's this this two hour old engines are now packed with mud and i just shut everything off because i know everything's overheated oh man and my daughters go what's going what's going on and i said i turned to them and i said you need not to ask me any questions for a little while oh [ __ ] yeah yeah and the park ranger calls over to me from the shore and he says you ain't going anywhere it's low tide you're going to be stuck there for a long time and uh i'm like no no it's all right i try not to let my daughters hear this and i call i i call the coast guard whatever that channel 16 i'm like anybody can tow me out of here and yeah and these cops show up on the boat uh and they're like 50 yards away and they're not going to come anywhere near me no and they said yeah you're going to have to wait till you're in high tide yeah it's around one o'clock and i s and i'm on the radio with the cops and they go you're gonna have to wait to high tide and i said when's that and they said maybe midnight oh no my both my daughters start crying did you stay the whole time or did you get out we could you can't there was no way to get out because we were surrounded by mud and it was like quicksand like i put a stick in it and it just fell into the mud were you embarrassed [Laughter] so you were pretty much just like no more water your boat is sitting in my mud in mud really and you're waiting for the tide to come back were you afraid i was just gonna be stuck in the mud and i was not gonna come up i was afraid my daughter was like hot what if we like heal over what if we start tipping over them like that can't happen and in my head i'm like that could totally absolutely happen and the cops said well they would go get us food because we couldn't cook any of the food now because it needs the generator to grow it's like an oven how would they get it to you well that was a big deal because they went they went and got us food the cops they bought us a whole chicken and some rice really nice guys then they come back and now there's a huge expanse of mud between us and that food and they go we don't know how you're gonna get this they put it in a garbage bag and i start throwing a line to them but it's not making it of course all these people on the shore everybody knows who i am in the park and the shore who are just on a rail just watching me and i throw i'm throwing this like i've tied a pot to the rope and i throw it and it gets about halfway there and i'm pull it back and i'm covered in mud because every time the rope comes back it's totally covered in mud and i have to get the mud off so it's not heavy every time i go to throw it all the people on the side half of them are going well pull it for you louie you can do it and then i when i miss they go oh man that sucks it's like playing left field for the yankees totally the yankee stadium crowd people food people wow and i couldn't get it so finally the cops pulled over a guy who was fishing and they used his uh rod to throw me away and cast a weight over how nice i tied it they pulled and i had to pull dinner onto the boat i was so soaked in mud and sweat totally then it was chicken mole after that kids had your kids calmed down by that point they were great my kids were amazing and what happens at midnight we waited and waited once in a while like it started raining a little bit and i heard some from the darkness in the park some kid go hey luis ck it's raining out now those guys at the marina where i keep the boat they're really cool guys and they sent some kid some young guy uh and in a boat and they just dropped him in the water and he swam to us jesus crazy kid and he came on board with me and helped me get it out once the water came up we used the uh bow thruster to shove the boat we got a little bow thruster yeah were you feeling it rise as the water's coming like oh god the ball wasn't moving because the water was coming up and the boat was just sitting there in the mud so that's why we used the bow thrusters are absolutely loose wow we shook the boat around whoa and it worked and at one point the tide was starting to go down again and the guy that was with me said it's your call but we could put it in we could turn the engines on and put it in reverse and try to get it out it won't work what'd you do yeah it was like apollo 13 because everything had been off for a long time and now we're like he says we have 10 seconds of battery oh yes we fired up and just put it in reverse and mud just crazy we don't have enough lamps to get louie out of the mud [Music] you

Channel: LaughPlanet

Views: 1,224,828

Keywords: louis ck standup stories, story, louis ck dog, louis ck airplane, louis ck boat story, louis ck russia, laugh planet

Id: ie-r6VobfQo

Length: 29min 3sec (1743 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 13 2021