Louis C.K. - Comedy Kings (Just For Laughs)

I shouldn't have to do that thank you thank you very much everybody I mean everybody who's here that's not everybody most people are not here by a huge majority most people are not here most people are in China actually that's actually not true most people are dead did you know that there are very few living people you're all going to die and then you're going to be dead for a lot longer than you were alive your life is a little larvae stage - mostly what you're ever going to be you're just dead people that didn't die yet I don't really know how to start shows I am it's always been the hardest part for me as the beginning of a show because the first thing I say has to be just stupid because there's no real reason for me to talk to you I don't know you you don't even know each other you're just facing the same direction that's all you have in common I am an American whatever that means really now we're going through a depression but I'm only worried because Americans don't know how to deal with problems because we don't really have them we have we have white people problems that's what we have you know what that is white people runs that's where your life is amazing so you just make [ __ ] up to be upset about people in other countries have real problems like oh [ __ ] they're cutting off all our heads today things like that in America we make things up to get mad at but like hokum I have to choose a language on the ATM machine it's [ __ ] I shouldn't have to do that what are you complaining about some it's a machine that you press a button and money comes out of a slot we complain about the what the silliest things I had to sit on the runway for 40 minutes that's a story in America folks will listen to that story folks will stop doing the dishes oh my god how long did you have to sit on the runway they made us sit on the runway for 40 minutes really what happened after that did you fly through the air incredibly did you soar into the clouds like a bird did you partake in the miracle of human flights and [ __ ] about it the whole time you were up there I'm never flying Delta get your flying look out the window it's crazy you're sitting in a chair in the sky you're you're like a Greek myth right now but it doesn't go back very far and it's pushing my knees really everybody on every plane the whole time they should just be going oh my god I was going through security once airline security and you know if you're in a wheelchair you can't go through the metal detector so they take you to secondary clearance which is much it's much tougher so our oldest and feeblest people get the highest scrutiny and there was this guy coming through in a wheelchair and he was insanely old this dude was the oldest thing I've ever seen I mean he I didn't know there had been as much time yet as his age he was at least forever if I had to guess he was forever and ever and just little nuts brought two hands and eggy head just a tiny cut like the atmosphere was crushing him into a diamond just and he didn't even look good for infinity or whatever he was he was all just that being pushed over this thing and they take him and they do the whoop and they're checking them and and they lift I swear to god these two big security guys lifted him out of the chair and he's standing there like this and and there and I'm watching this and I wanted to say really is that the guy you think is that the dude we're all looking for is that gonna be the story that he was the dude cuz you maybe let him go let him enjoy the last ten seconds of his life doing something else what is he gonna if he if he pulled it off he deserves whatever he wanted really what is he gonna do and I know what they'd say they'd be like whoa where do you draw the line this he's the line it's that sense him it's just him the actual line is right next to him and we're all on the other side of it nobody ever wants to do security we all want to be secure nobody wants to do their part everybody that goes together would take off my shoes stupid I'm not a terrorist oh that's right we only make terrorists do that I'm sorry hmm whoo that's what we all sound like now just fat eighth graders that's what everybody sounds like hmm dude you ever listen to people really I was in Starbucks or wherever that doesn't matter you can only be in six places now I don't know which one I was in I was listen to the two guys talking oh and one of them used a word that really made me angry he used the word hilarious and it pissed me off because it was the way he was he didn't care what it really means none of us think about the words we use anymore we just go right for the top shelf for the words just right but it was amazing dude it was totally amazing really you were amazed by the chicken wings really amazed what are you what are you gonna do would arrest your life now you've limited yourself to a [ __ ] life verbally genius you're genius for anything now used to be you had to invent a number to be a genius now hey I got a cup in case we need another cup your genius so this guy use Galerius I remember to context exactly you guys were talking when I goes guess who I saw today and his friend goes who I swear to God he said it like that it just slid a like hmm tighten your lips up man making efforts whoo that's how a person talks this guy's just secreting words out of the front of his head so sprinkles I saw Lisa today and he goes that's hilarious how is that hilarious that he saw Lisa do you know what hilarious means hilarious being so funny it almost you almost went insane that's how funny hilarious is so funny it almost ruined your life you're homeless now because you can't cope or reason effectively because that [ __ ] was so funny it shattered your minds and now you're laying in the gutter with leaves and [ __ ] in your hair that's how funny hilarious Lisa [ __ ] but she ain't that funny there's no way she's that funny on-site hey I hate Lisa I blame her I hope she's dead seriously I hope she died today I hope her favorite person pushed her off a cliff and then she was falling and screaming and then Superman swooped her up and then dropped her from higher thank you very much can I you

Channel: undefined

Views: 2,149,499

Rating: 4.8469019 out of 5

Keywords: Comedy Kings, Just For Laughs, Best Of, Louis C.K., Best of Just For Laughs, S01E05, Season 1, Episode 5, Stand Up Comedy

Id: dA91E07NUNM

Length: 8min 47sec (527 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 27 2015