- Hi, everyone. In today's video, we are going to be talking more about the topic of chronic suicidality. (logo chimes) Okay. So what do I mean when I say chronic suicidality? Basically, this is when
you are experiencing suicidal thoughts or suicidal ideation on a chronic basis or a more continuous long-term basis. And you know like I said, a lot of the current interventions, and you know medical services are more geared towards crises around suicide ideation or suicidal thoughts where there is an immediate danger at play, but you know, what happens when you are experiencing these suicidal thoughts
on a more chronic basis? And so I think this is something that a large number number of people who struggle with depression, or you know, mood disturbances like this face. And I think that it's largely underserved, which is a real problem because these people who are experiencing this chronic suicidality are left feeling even more isolated, and hopeless and just kind of forgotten about with the medical system. So I myself would identify as someone who did experience a very chronic bout of suicidality. I was you know, really on the brink of suicide for a good I don't know, since I was about it fluctuated from the
time when I was about 18 to 22 and then pretty continuously from 22 to 26. And so I think it's important to shed more light on
what that experience is. Like not only to help people understand what chronic suicidality might feel like, but also to hopefully let you know if you are experiencing this too, that you are not alone
in experiencing this. So basically, I started having very intense suicidal ideation and suicidal thoughts, and started you know, making plans and whatnot around suicide around the time of when I was 22, which is when I started my second bachelor's program. And so I sought out counseling, and you know, they provided me with immediate services, and whatnot, but ultimately it just kind of never really got to the problem because I was in this continuous state of suicidal ideation
or suicidal thinking. And so my care team
really tried to help me, but they didn't really
have the tools to help me, or really maybe the understanding of what I was going through, and what I was experiencing
to properly help me. Most of the tools they had were, well, we can send you to the hospital to work through this suicidal period, or we can keep providing you medication or you know we can see
you on a crisis basis. But none of that was really getting at the roots of the issue of why I was experiencing
chronic suicidality. Before I get into some of the things that eventually helped address my chronic suicidality, I also wanna give a little bit more of a description about what it felt like. I was in this constant
state of hopelessness, and despair and despondency, and just constantly, it doesn't seem like the
right vernacular to use, but just kind of daydreaming about my life ending. And I think that with chronic suicidality, it's less often, I'm going to go kill myself now, and more so a passive desire to be dead. Sometimes it comes into play that you make plans long-term and whatnot, and you kind of live your life with that end goal. But I think for the most part, it's this passive desire
to not be alive anymore. So you can imagine how difficult it is to really function within society, and carry on with your life if that is continuously
playing in your mind. I think for a very long time in my life, I got sucked into this train of thought that nothing matters. It does not matter if I live or die, I would rather be dead. Please let me die already. So while I was experiencing this chronic suicidality, like I said, you know my care team did what they could. They offered me different medications that you know kept not really working, not really getting to
the root of the issue. And they offered me ECT, which I did and electric muscle therapy, which I did, and it wasn't effective either. I was hospitalized a few times for suicide attempts, and you know, was left feeling even worse when I was discharged. And so none of these typical interventions were helping at all. And I think having the system kind of fail me in that regard. Compounded the feelings of hopelessness, and despair and desire to just leave, end it. And I can't stress enough, that when you are in this you know period of chronic suicidality, and feeling like suicide is really your only option, it is very difficult to even imagine that there is another way to be in life. It's very hard to imagine that this could ever come to an end, and you know, I don't wanna lie and
say it absolutely will. I hate those you know
campaigns that are like, it gets better because for some people, maybe it doesn't. And so I'm going to address that a little bit more when
I talk about you know, what kind of worked me anyway. I'm going to share my experiences about what kind of helped
to pull me out of this elongated period of chronic suicidality. So I know the first part of this video has been a little bit heavy, but before I get into
sharing my experiences about pulling out of chronic suicidality, I just wanna remind you that if you are finding these videos helpful, please like them, and to please subscribe, if you want to see more. Also, if you would like to help support the creation of videos like this, please check out the
link to our Patreon page. Once you become a Patreon, you also gain access
to our private Discord community where we offer peer support, which is absolutely one of the ways that pulled me out of chronic suicidality is connecting with peers. And so if that's something
that interests you, make sure to check out the link to our Patreon page in
the description below. One of the biggest things I think that kind of helped to pull me out of this like deep, deep period of chronic suicidality was fostering meaningful relationships. I think that I felt very, very alone for a large period of time, even though I had some friends and I, I had a long-term boyfriend who I had a very close relationship with. And there was people that you know, were important to me in life, but really working to foster, meaningful connections with those people, and with new people, I think really helped to pull me out. I know that you know I'm like, oh yeah, make new relationships, make new friends, and make deep meaningful connections, but that's, that's hard for many people, for most people that's a
really hard thing to do, and I understand that. It was very hard for me to, and it continues to be
a hard thing for me. So some of the ways I kind of went about doing this was I, you know I kind of tuck my pride away, and I reached out to people who I admired or wanted to get to know better based on what I saw them on social media. And so these are people that I knew from you know past periods of my life, but that I kind of kept up with, following them on social media or whatnot, and I felt that our values, and interests kind of aligned. And so, like I said, I tucked my pride away, and just cold called
messaged a bunch of people who I thought maybe I could form a connection with. This was a very vulnerable thing to do, to put myself out there in that regard, and it provided return for some people. You know I now have
meaningful relationships with some of the people I reached out to, and some it just kind of fizzled, and didn't result in anything, and that's okay too. I put myself out there. And so if you are wanting
to make new friendships, and form new connections like that, don't be afraid to put yourself out there. Like I said, most people experienced
this kind of awkwardness with making new friends in adulthood. You know we're living
in a very digital era, and it's hard to form
real-life connections, and good God, there's a global pandemic
going on right now, which makes it even harder. So this is your encouragement to just put yourself out there. Like I was saying, a lot of people are having a hard time right now too and so odds are, they're probably going to appreciate you reaching out as well. Another way that I formed
meaningful connections that really helped me basically, in a therapeutic way, was I joined peer support groups. That was something that
I didn't have access to for a long period of when I was struggling with suicidality and depression, and you know, being able to, you know I don't want to say commissary, 'cause that's not really, really what we were doing, it was a lot more therapeutic than that. It was more having your
experiences validated, being able to find commonalities within your struggles and you know, be able to bounce ideas
off of other people, and provide insights based on your own experience, and have other people provide insights on their experience. That was extremely powerful for me. And you know like I said, we have a Discord community, and I don't mean to like
plug it or anything, but honestly, I have derived such value from being able to hear people who are experiencing similar things in life or similar challenges and whatnot, and being able to connect in that regard has been extremely impactful. Another way that I kind
of formed connections, and meaningful relationships was you know, the relationships with my family. I had a strained
relationship with my family a little bit when I was going through this you know depressive period, and I'm absolutely not saying that if you have a strange relationship with your family, the answer is to get on good terms with them again, because maybe that's just not going to be possible for you, or maybe that's just not the healthiest option for you. But what I kind of tried to do was understand the limitations of those relationships, and understand the ways that they were not able to meet my needs or serve me and kind of accept that, and just move forward
with the relationship for what it could be, if that makes sense, and just kind of accepting
those relationships for what they are and trying to embrace, and cultivate as much connection within that as possible, I think was really helpful for me. Another way to form connection that kind of segues into
my next topic as well, is that I joined free community physical activity groups. It was like a free workout group called the November Project, which actually has chapters
all over the world. So that's a cool thing to check out if you're looking for
more community connection, as well as physical activity. I also joined a soccer team which really helped you know, pull me out of the house and you know, have connection with my teammates, and be physically active, and I think that was
really, really helpful too. So you know moving into the next topic, which is physical activity and nutrition. So, you know I know that a lot of people are kind of shoving it
down your throat that, oh, if you're depressed, just eat well and exercise, and you know that's annoying. I get that, but there's a degree of truth to that. I'm not saying at all that physical activity and nutrition are going to cure your depression or cure your suicidal thoughts, but it definitely does help in the process of trying to get to 'em or stable place. When I was really suicidal, some issues with eating disorders came up to where it started with just the passive desire to die. And so thinking well
I'll just stop eating. And that was probably the worst thing I could have done in terms of really helping myself to get through it because you know, when my body was deprived with nutrition, and nutrients, it deprived my mind of nutrients as well, and it made me more
depressed and more suicidal. And so I can't stress enough the importance of regular
and nutritious meals. And another thing that my doctor actually prescribed during that period, which was actually helpful, was she kind of brainstormed vitamins that I might be deficient in, and she recommended vitamin D, especially since we live in Canada, and six, seven, eight months of the year, you're completely bundled up, and not getting any access to sun. So vitamin D is really important in terms of boosting mood, and then also she prescribed Omega-3. So to really help, I don't know the science behind it, but it helps your brain basically. So maybe you could talk with your doctor about potential vitamins to take as well. So these were all kind of things that you can do to kind of help yourself move through hopefully in this period of suicidality, and help kind of pull
yourself through this. But I think there's more to it than that. You know it's a very
kind of cerebral thing that you need to go through in terms of coming to terms with these thoughts that are coming up of suicide and whatnot, and you know, ideally, creating a healthier relationship with it because you know like I said, for some people, these thoughts of suicide are going to be a chronic thing. They're never gonna go
away for some people, you know even for myself, I definitely don't identify as suicidal all the time, but it is something that comes up every now and then, these ideations around suicide, and the whole idea of, well, I could just die, it doesn't matter. Or sometimes even passively
wanting to be dead. That still comes up for me sometimes. But what I've really worked on, I think is changing the relationship I have with those thoughts. So what I mean by that is that when they used to come up, it would cause me a lot of distress, but now when they come up, I can kind of acknowledge them, kind of reframe my thinking, and keep going with life. And kind of one of the major ways I did that was to kind of get to a point of understanding, and this is my own
understanding of the world. So I'm just sharing my own experiences, but to get to an understanding that we are totally insignificant, our lives don't really matter. And I'm sorry if that sounds bleak, but I'm getting to the
helpful part of that. So our lives don't matter. We are, but tiny blips in the fabric of the universe, and the timeline of the universe, but that's okay. You know the fun part about that, or the interesting part about that is that there is no meaning to life, but the meaning in life is very much what you make of it. And so that's kind of, I think anyway, a really cool opportunity or you know, chance to create meaning in your life that feels good to you, and that fits your narrative of the world, and you know, you get to decide what
the meaning of life is for you. And I think that's a
really beautiful thing to kind of wrap your head around, especially if you are stuck in a period of not feeling that there's
any point to living. I also want to just
take a minute to address that there are larger
issues at play than just you know things that you can do on an individual basis. There are societal, and structural issues that contribute to you know, what ultimately results in these feelings of chronic suicidality, and feelings of not feeling
like you can keep up with life or that kind of thing, and these have to do with things like housing insecurity or food insecurity, or you know structural
societal issues like that, that are really to be dealt with on a larger level than
just the individual. So I just wanted to take a minute to point this out. It deserves a whole video in itself, but I just wanted to point it out to convey that it's not all you know personal shortcomings that result in these feelings of chronic suicidality. There is larger factors at play as well, but this video is just kind of focusing on the things that we do have control over, and the things that we
can make an impact with. So we got kind of deep in there. To kind of recap everything
I've talked about in terms of ways that I used to kind of pull myself. I don't even wanna say out of this period of chronic suicidality, because like I said, I still kind of swim in it, and wade through it sometimes. But I think to equip myself better to deal with it was things like fostering meaningful
relationships in my life, and seeking out meaningful relationships, and peer support. That was a huge one. And exercise and nutrition has been really impactful for me, and you know vitamins, I don't know that one, but it's worth a shot. And then the whole issue of the whole philosophy of life that I kind of touched upon. You know it goes way deeper than what I've mentioned in this video, but getting comfortable, I think kind of wading through that, and you know, ultimately, kind of acquainting yourself with the thoughts of
suicide that are coming up, and working on creating
a healthier relationship with them and giving yourself grace to have these thoughts come up every now and then, and that it doesn't necessarily mean that life is devoid of meaning or that there's no point in living. It is what you make of it. And you know you get to decide what the meaning of your life is. So I talked a lot in this
video about you know, ways that helped me to get through chronic suicidality or to manage chronic suicidality. But I would absolutely
love to hear from you if you have any other ideas about ways to kind of navigate chronic suicidality. If you have any other ideas, feel free to leave them
in the comments below, we would love to hear from you. I just want to take this opportunity to give a huge thank you to all of our current Patreons, we could not be making
this content without you. Thank you. Just a quick reminder, that if you found this video helpful or insightful at all, to please like and subscribe if you wanna see future content from us. Thank you so much for watching, and as always wishing you, and your loved ones, good health. I'll see you in the next video. Bye.
