BPD Suicidal Ideation & Self-Hatred | Tiffany

what is your sense of what the chronic suicidalness is like how long has that been there is it still here like what is it like myself I had suicidal ideation when I was around 33 because I was stopping an eating disorder but not doing it the right way so I was almost like a dry drunk so I just was a beast of a human being to be around and started to have suicidal ideation and I was like oh this is this is different I haven't had this before and then the second time I had it very intensely was when I was in treatment and that was really a result of like emotionally experiencing things I had not been able to experience and the tremendous like grief and regret around Life Choices I had made that had landed me in a very impoverished like socially uh work while everything you know I was a very impoverished sort of small limited life space you know and just not knowing how I could possibly like get myself out of it and sort of really confronting all of the um all the damage I had done you know to to relationships and people and just the level of loss but I'm curious with you what is your understanding of it when did it start are you in it right now does it ebb and flow so I only remember like one instance in high school one night before I went to bed I like was like oh if I take some aspirin maybe I'll not wake up but like fortunately I did because aspirin can be really really really bad if people overdose so I didn't take a lot at all but that was like it doesn't matter that's irrelevant the point is that was the first time where I ever like had that thought about um taking my own life or not being alive I assume it was around in in college but I can't really remember that time as much but for sure it was around in med school in residency and um fellow my first Fellowship for me I feel like my chronic suicidal ideation was very much so directly directly correlated to how much I hate myself or hated myself I would say I went from having suicidal thoughts in bad times three to five times a week I mean that's probably a lot but just let's say three times a week and um and then during good times at least once a month but now like I can't distinctly remember the last time so it's been months so that's like pretty incredible but here's my question and I don't understand this and I want to understand it what do you mean by hate yourself because like I don't really understand that and it doesn't mean that I haven't I don't I think I've experienced self hate or whatever but I can't it's such a sort of Trope can you break it down like give me an example of what that like looks like because it's so abstract actually um so I have two examples so whenever I was younger like I don't know if you know how like when people look at a clock and it's like 11 11 and you make a wish the wish that I would have would be I wish I'm pretty smart and skinny because I felt like if I was these things people may like me and I just felt like I was never pretty enough smart enough and I know that sounds so stupid saying that out loud but I just always felt like I wasn't enough I wasn't enough for people to like me I just felt like everything about me was like a subpar and and then also just like the kind of like this hypersensitivity like you could read somebody's body language and see that they are like sad or angry or irritated but then my brain would automatically be like it's because of you you did something wrong you hurt somebody you said something stupid you're you and so everything that is wrong or bad in a relationship is because of me and so when you're constantly on the outlook for what you perceived yourself to have done wrong how can you like that person because you're just wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong and so you look at a clock I wish I was pretty smart and skinny you know it's just like very like it's it's all in your head and then and then you can't ever escape it so that's what I mean by self-hate it's like you're the perpetrator because you're doing things wrong and then you can't ever escape it because you're always because then because then after that interaction that went bad you go home and you think about it and so when people would say that like oh why don't you leave that at work or why not and I could not fathom the capacity to compartmentalize emotions and thoughts to where it wouldn't follow me everywhere I went and so that's that's what I mean when I was in treatment you know they would try to teach us like emotions are like a wave you know and they come and go and I was like no they're not like mine aren't you know and like I would have to do all these cognitive things I'd have to like be like no this will go this will go this will go but I have to do like cognitive fixes to manage the problem of the yeah the the feelings don't feel like they will pass and it's hard to compartmentalize them and then like move on to something else if it has to do with something I've done that I'm not proud of having done and I'm very much upset about it it then encompasses like the all of who I am you know it's like the most prominent feature of who I am and it's um so is that sort of what you're talking about I'm trying to like frame the experience of how that would generate this feeling of Badness and that that feeling of Badness for you then moves you into a space of suicidal ideation is that true so is it because you can't then find a way to escape the feeling like what's the relationship between the Badness and the suicidal ideation I think that's my question took me a while to get there sorry even though like intellectually um the more wisdom you have with life you have more life experience and you know that like theoretically things are gonna end like everything comes to an end like stuff you know whatever the hardest part is that it's just so intense it's so much it's so overwhelming like and and then and then also whenever I said that point about like in the interaction me always kind of blaming myself and asking myself what I did wrong there's always the other foot that drops which is that resentment so I'm resentful because I'm like why you know why don't they like me why can't why do they like this other person but this other person and just causes this whole like crazy realm of thoughts when this person probably like didn't think two things about it but for me like for me it's like I'm like hyper thinking about what I possibly did wrong long and then I'm like upset because I've been feeling this way all day I've been and it's like why do I feel this way all day and then like well why don't they like me like is you know they're hanging you know so it's just and then so I would get angry the bottom line is that I would get angry and then for me anger was considered to be a bad emotion so not only did I do something wrong in that interaction but the bottom line is I would have this residual anger and so just feeling like I was this angry bitter person but then people would see this version of me that's like oh well Tiffany like you're a good doctor you're really passionate you care about and all of these positive things but I felt like I need a real me and the real me is this like troll this angry troll that nobody really knows about so therefore nobody really knows me and it just makes me feel even more isolated and when you feel isolated and like you don't have anybody who truly understands you then it's like all of those things together it's the overwhelming emotion it's the feeling of Badness like I'm bad but it's also the sense of like isolation like that that sense of what people say whenever you're in a crowded room but you feel alone that's kind of what me BPD is like because like when you talk you get it when Charlotte talks she gets it but when you try to talk to people who don't get it sometimes and unintentionally like makes things worse sure because it's like why don't you just stop thinking this or why do you think that way or why do you like let this happen and then it just come once again becomes like a me problem you know and so you don't want to share it with other people and so just the bottom line is that in my opinion until you kind of in like for me having those criteria of BPD really allowed for me to understand myself in a way that I've never understood myself before and that allowed for me to work on skills that legitimately would help those interactions like do I still battle those crazy thoughts yeah absolutely but do I feel like it's as debilitating no I don't

Channel: BorderlinerNotes

Views: 3,834

Keywords:

Id: EwUxK3dR2Sc

Length: 9min 39sec (579 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 06 2023