Romantic Obsessions and Limerance

one of the top questions I get from coaching  clients is how do I stop obsessing over my ex   thank you for joining me I'm Lise  Leblanc and today I am talking about   limerence I'm going to give you the five  top reasons people get obsessed with an ex   as well as five ways to break free from this  neurotic psychological State called limerence when   we are trying to overcome an obsession or constant  longing for someone we typically either indulge   in those thoughts or we forcefully try to push  those thoughts away using willpower distractions   denial anger but these tactics rarely provide  long-term relief because the next thing you know   you're right back to thinking of them missing them  remembering those oh so good times and wondering   what you could have done differently or wondering  whether they're happier now with someone else   maybe you start creeping them on social media  looking for signs that they're missing you too   and when it comes to Cluster B personality  disorders they will often not always but often   leave these Clues just for you to make  sure that you don't move on emotionally   so before I dive in any further let me just  take a moment to explain what limerence is   so in her 1979 book called love and limerence  psychologist Dorothy tenov first introduced   this concept of limerence and in the book she  explains that limerence is an intense infatuation   characterized by obsessive thoughts and feelings  towards a specific person it is a very powerful   emotional state that involves intrusive thoughts  fantasies and a strong desire for reciprocation   from the object of affection once in a state of  limerence the limerence thoughts are consumed by   the desired person who is often referred to as  the object of limerence and this results in a   wide range of extreme emotions including despair  Euphoria anger hope grief Nostalgia fear shame   and other intense emotions that interfere with  your ability to function in your day-to-day life   for more information on the process that you  might go through when you're getting out of   a toxic relationship please click on the link  above so limerence is often associated with the   beginning stages of a romantic relationship but  today I'm talking about limerence in the context   of breakups limerence can happen to anyone and let  me also say that it's normal to miss someone that   you loved who no longer wants to be with you for  whatever reasons or maybe it's you that doesn't   want to be with them the experience of breaking up  even when it's mutual is supposed to hurt and it   often brings up fears insecurities grief and other  painful emotions but limerence is different in not   your absolutely obsessed consumed and spiraling  in these thoughts and Fantasies that are making   you feel like you're losing your sanity like you  just can't live without the person or go on with   your life everywhere you look you're reminded of  them everything you do feels purposeless and empty   without them you no longer seem to remember  any of the toxicity or the madness [Music]   I was working the death spiral that you were just  in now all of a sudden you're only remembering the   emotional highs the beautiful connection the  intense eye contact the irresistible cocktail   of brain chemicals and hormones the intense sexual  experiences the feeling of being understood valued   special feeling like a god like you'd found the  closest thing to heaven on Earth and you're cherry   picking selectively remembering only the magic  and completely forgetting all of the madness   so like I said limerence can happen to anyone but  if you are almost always in a state of limerence   at the beginning or end of your relationships  here are the top five reasons why this might   be number one limerence is often associated  with neurotic Tendencies neuroticism refers   to a personality trait that is characterized by  emotional instability heightened sensitivity to   one's own thoughts and emotions as well as  a tendency to ruminate and catastrophize   so when a person experiences a breakup regardless  of who initiated it the limerent can get stuck   in a maze in their own mind Paralyzed by their  own emotion number two individuals experiencing   limerence often have attachment trauma and  anxious attachment Styles which leads them   to seek reassurance and validation from others  they often suffer from low self-worth and feel   unlovable at their core and you may become  limerent as a way to restore your sense of   self-worth thinking that if you can just get them  back it would bring your value and worth back   or if you can keep them hanging on it somehow  validates that you are worthy lovable and special   number three limerence often have an active and  vivid imagination they tend to be fantasizers   daydreamers and people that live in their  heads they use their imagination to create   these elaborate fantasies and idealized images  of romantic partners and relationships and then   get attached to their ideas their projected  version of a person or partner rather than the   partner themselves and when the relationship ends  limerence can be the result of holding on to these   idealized memories and yearning for a return to  the positive experiences as well as the fantasies   number four limerence often feel the need to  escape from reality in order to cope with life   these escapes may include any type of addictive  behavior shopping pornography overeating drugs   alcohol whatever limerence can provide a  temporary Escape From Pain as the limerent   indulges in romantic fantasies rather than facing  the emotional pain grief and withdrawal symptoms   that come with the end of an intense relationship  number five limerence often feel emotionally empty   and unfulfilled and they've had these feelings  of emptiness for a long time when you feel empty   lonely unhappy you may form a belief that you'd  be so much happier once you find the right person   so when a limerent finds someone who makes them  feel good they associate their positive state   to this person and quickly get attached to them  believing that this person is the answer to all of   their prayers and seeing them as the key to their  happiness however once they get disappointed with   the shortcomings of their partner and they will  they will start to sabotage a relationship they   may end it abruptly leaving the partner feeling  confused and emotionally stuck now here are five   ways to break free from a limerent state number  one recognize that your obsession is an addiction   you may be getting your fix each time you check  your ex's social media accounts reach out or   respond or you fantasize about them but you  are strengthening the unhealthy and painful   cycle of addiction like with any addiction  it's important to admit that you are addicted   and to recognize that you are the only one  who can take the necessary steps and actions   to break free from this addiction you may have  gone no contact but unless you stop stalking   them in your mind obsessing over them to  get your fix you will continue to suffer   Point number two is facing the reality  of your relationship as long as you're   seeing this relationship through rose-colored  lenses telling yourself and believing that your   happiness depends on them loving you telling  yourself that you are losing the great love of   your life making a big mistake that this is the  most genuine connection you've ever experienced   the more you're prolonging your own Agony and  remaining in this psychological tale spin you may   have been through many toxic Cycles already with  this person and if that's the case then you really   need to ask yourself what would be different the  next time around here are a few more questions   you can ask yourself to help you clear up the  confusion that's keeping you stuck in this maze   first question what makes you think that you need  this person in order to be happy second were you   actually hop here with them in your life or were  you suffering and filled with fear insecurity   resentment anger jealousy were you walking on  eggshells were you emotionally drained third   are you gaslighting yourself are you rejecting  reality in favor of fantasy is it possible that   you could be a lot happier without them and not  their absence from your life could actually be   an opportunity to grow heal and explore who you  really are and what you really want out of life   number three instead of indulging in your  obsession and getting that one more fix try   reconnecting with the people and activities that  give you a sense of passion purpose or meaning   I know you don't feel any passion for anything  anymore you don't know who you are you don't have   any goals nothing feels worthwhile um everything  and everyone just feels empty and pointless all   of your A's were in this one basket and you feel  like you just can't live without them but the best   way to reboot and revive yourself is to reconnect  with your needs your interests your values your   goals your friends and family and the people that  matter to you and again I know you might have to   White Knuckle it at first and force yourself  through sheer willpower to go see people to do   things but with commitment and discipline you can  start to get your mind back and to re-engage in   life number four toxic relationships leave a lot  of emotional loose ends and limerence can be a way   to cope and maintain a sense of connection  to avoid the terrible withdrawal symptoms   it might also be a way to find closure which is  why you may find yourself spending a ton of time   and energy searching for answers trying to gather  more pieces of this complex intricate puzzle but   there comes a time when you've connected enough  of the pieces to see the picture and at this point   you can continue spending all of your time and  energy seeking those final pieces but the only   things these extra pieces will give you and that's  if you even find them is a clearer picture of what   you can already see right now so you won't get any  more closure or emotional resolution but you do   need to decide when to stop seeking answers number  five if you are experiencing a state of limerence   intensely for a long period of time like more  than a few months then I would suggest you reach   out to a therapist who specializes in attachment  trauma preferably one who can provide EMDR which   is an evidence-based therapy that changes the  way traumatic memories are stored in the brain   by weakening fear and emotional Connections in the  amygdala through the use of bilateral stimulation   and if you experience limerence at the beginning  and end of most of your relationships then   consider dialectical behavior therapy to help you  gain emotional regulation and distress tolerance   skills to help you reduce rumination and increase  feelings of self-worth if you enjoyed this video   please like comment subscribe and hit that  notification Bell so you don't miss anything   lastly to learn more about trauma bonds please  click on the link above [Music] thank you

Channel: Lise Leblanc

Views: 20,245

Keywords: narcissists hate you, things narcissists hate, how narcissists treat, how to outsmart narcissist, how narcissists control you, how narcissists manipulate, how to leave narcissist, vulnerable narcissism, covert narcissism, manipulative, blame-shifting, gaslighting, vulnerable narcissist, female covert narcissist, female narcissist, female narcissism, male victims of narcissistic abuse, npd, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic personality disorder, limerence, limerent object, limerent

Id: xEROfzx8ggA

Length: 14min 22sec (862 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 19 2023