Lewis Black Discusses Smartphones (In God We Rust)

there's only uh one application that I really want um I needed I need I need it for when I'm at the airport because I spent way too much time there and it's it it doesn't work out well for me I believe when you read in the paper about me it'll be something of the effect of uh noted comedian found on conveyor belt I I just want you to think kindly of me because I can't handle it I can't I'm there too much and when you have to on an almost daily basis watch people who were flying out of the airport who who maybe take a trip once or twice a year and just don't get it where you hear questions like well um why can't I bring my lawnmower I left the gasoline at home the TSA is bombarded with people on a daily basis and all I want to do is help them out I think the federal government should download the list of names of all the terrorists and would-be terrorists and their photos if they have them or if they're on Facebook even better because you can never have too many friends so that I can sit there and keep an eye out for these bastards but you know um right after the the terrorists with the explosives strapped around his dick and let me just say I would have liked to have been a fly on the wall when they convinced him to to blow his dick off seriously that is a seminar Tony Robbins my ass right after that occurred they finally brought into the airports the body scanner um that seemed to upset people uh and I felt it was an important step because somebody could show up with a wick coming out of their dick and a bomb up their ass that's the scenario I thought of it it's a scenario because that body scanner takes a picture of you naked for just an instant and that upset a lot of Americans I'm at the airport too much I don't give a naked I don't give a are you kidding me anything that gets me through that line faster three years after 9 11. three years I knew all the members of the TSA at my airport in Newark and so finally I I just finally went to them and said look can we cut a deal here if I show up naked can I skip the line there's a group of people who are also upset by this scanner using it in order to take that that picture of you you get a little radiation and that worries some folks and I know it because I could hear him discussing it on their cell phones at what point at what point don't you get it the little radiation scares you how the do you go to a dentist the dentist says oh we're going to x-ray your teeth we're going to give you a little radiation and then him and the assistant leap and hide behind a lead bunker [Applause] now I used to have an iPhone um and it was a great computer it was in no way a phone because the carrier was a T and A T is a carrier in much the same way as a mosquito carries malaria I'd been better off with the Dixie cup and a string and finally um took it over to the Apple Store to see if there was something they could do and um let me just say if you're interested in what life is like on other planets you're going to want to get to the Apple Store they are not of us [Applause] they have no genitals it's why they stand so close they're sniffing you how they get their data yes it is so I was standing in the Apple Store and a capon came up to me I see you have an iPhone how many applications if you downloaded into your phone [Applause] well I haven't downloaded any um I came here to see if you had an app that would turn this piece of into a phone now if you can do me a favor and start running um I want to see if it works as a missile John Bowman uh my good friend in a great comic told me the story he went to the Apple Store to do some business and he gave the woman uh the the sales lady a uh um a credit card and she looked at it and she went John Bauman he said no it's John Bowman and she said John Bauman they know they know better than we do I live six blocks from Times Square I live in the heart of New York City and this phone this phone would not work in my apartment my conversations were like oh this is how up I was I bought a landline so I could keep my phone broke with at when they announced that you could buy for your home a transmitter for two hundred dollars the two hundred dollar transmitter so that you could help a t build the infrastructure you thought you were getting when you bought the piece of I don't think we don't know do we what a cell phone does to us imagine what a transmitter will do I believe that your will be glowing in a week honey we've been eating phosphorus here's the kicker a t uh is then going to charge you 12 a month to use the transmitter you already bought from them so that 18t successfully turned your cell phone back into a landline uh that finally went down to eighteen T and quit and you can't you can't quit a contract okay don't even try it you quit your contract they will find you and shoot you in the leg so I went down to Verizon and I got myself a Droid [Applause] don't you ever applaud an inanimate object again that's why they have that section about the golden calf in the Bible what did you think I was going to do launch into some commercial for this oh yeah I couldn't be happier when I got my Droid it changed my life three days later I accepted Christ into my heart as My One True savior and Droid is the one with the Jesus app even if you get rid of it every Easter Sunday he comes back again [Applause] when I first got the Droid I was as happy as you folks who still are happy not me I mean at first I was very happy about it it's a great phone and a tremendous computer and when you turned it on it said its name Droid I keep it here in my pocket I wish you would say groin then I'd always know where it is I don't think it's really smart to keep a phone this large in a screen that big right next to your nut sack I believe my sperm are dying I hear them weeping every morning son of a Lou it's hot as hell down here God damn it it's like the sun is out 24 hours a day get us some water I don't think we're gonna make it to the top of the hill again the Droid is unbelievable because it actually has a series of panels you just touch the phone like this like magic in a new panel would appear with all sorts of icons on it they do all sorts of things I I don't even know what half of those icons do and I'm not going to touch one I don't know because I don't want to enter an alternative universe my warranty expired so did the phone [Applause] it froze on visual voicemail and I could not use the phone anymore to make calls I believe that my phone was trying to torment me here are all the people you have to call and you can't I took it down to the folks at Verizon I said I've been having trouble with that phone uh yeah well to be honest and I'm quoting we've been having some trouble with the Droid and you to me well we can fix it we have a download oh you do here let me put it here is that where you're gonna on it they were not happy with me they took the phone from me and put it on a life support system and it it died but then in just a few minutes it started to come back to life and the colors were brighter than I remembered oh my God they brought it back they've given me my Droid back I immediately hit one of the text icons to be sure that I could tell my friends I was back in communication but nothing showed up about texting what showed up was all of my email pretty strange then I hit the email icon and my emails didn't show up what showed up was a face of some big-headed guy a Facebook he was his Facebook page he wasn't even my friend I wasn't his friend did my phone want me to communicate with him I decided you know I just want to use it as a phone that'll be fine and so I tapped in the first three numbers of my call and visual voicemail came up the gentleman from Verizon who are looking over my shoulders said wow that really is a piece of [Applause] we're going to give you a new phone no you're not I don't think you realize what's happened here today this is historic my phone my phone is beginning to exhibit signs of free will I have to learn to communicate with it I don't have children and this could be my last chance I'm going to raise this little son of a and he's going to be great and I'm going to call him growing foreign [Applause]

Channel: Lewis Black

Views: 602,076

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Id: g0YKW0NLP64

Length: 16min 9sec (969 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 13 2023