KT #656 - MARK NORMAND + DAN SODER

[Music] [Music] do this [Music] yeah [Music] nothing [Music] hey this is red coming to you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin Texas for a brand new episode of kill Tony give it up for Tony [Music] h who's ready for the best [ __ ] night of their lives tonight [Applause] [Music] huh yippe than the noise for red be everybody yeah you did it you made it you're at the number one live podcast in the world right now how we feeling tonight yeah baby this is indeed kill Tony brought to you by Squarespace shop ify red rose yellow rose and gel Blaster how about one more time for the best St band in the land huh joining us tonight special guest Terell Shahed over there on the saxophone Austin local Legend of course on the drums the Great and Powerful Michael Gonzalez Matt muing is out touring tonight we are here with the band leader the legend every show in Austin Texas the one and only John D on the keys and Fan Favorite and one of my own personal favorites the great D Madness on the bass guitar everyone a lot of fun stuff planned for tonight's episode before we started here's a little bit more from The Amazing sponsors that made it all possible the Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin Texas is now open check out Red Band Secret show every Thursday go to sunsetstrip atx.com for [Music] tickets are you guys ready to start tonight's [ __ ] show well well well you know thank God I might be one of the best [ __ ] comedy Bookers on planet Earth because when I smell talent I attack it's always been that way ladies and gentlemen I'd like to present you two of the best godamn comedians on planet Earth and two of our favorite guests in the history of the show two of my funniest friends Make some noise for Dan Soder and Mark [Applause] Norman let's [ __ ] go high ranking Elite guests of the show two of our favorites two of the funniest New York's finest New York's finest not just at comedy but at life on 9/11 they were saving people pulling them from the buildings oh how about a hand for the lovely Heidi everybody I mean holy [ __ ] sweet right when this sausage fest got a little too sausy here she is to add a little feminine energy some good some good mojo how about a hand for Heidi Everybody follow her at Gina AA a. HG it's the worst Instagram handle of all time completely hot worst marketing of all time for a hot chick literally Gina is not even her name her name is hi and her Instagram is Gina withg yeah makes no sense I've been calling her Gina all night it's also that weird that her Instagram handle is like a tough Wi-Fi password yeah yeah no it really is it's absolutely ridiculous anyway we're happy to have you guys welcome we have one more special treat ladies and gentlemen one of the greatest band members in the history of the show is here joining us ladies and gentlemen you know where you love her this is the great jet ski Johnson everybody oh [ __ ] only the old school fans know about that [ __ ] jet ski's hilarious and she also plays the horn but she has a live mic and is absolutely phenomenally phenomenally hilarious and when she is when she says something funny afterwards everybody goes v v you guys get it yeah do it you have to do louder than that try again okay there you go you guys get it nice look I like that hell yeah it's fun you'll see when it happens in action she's a [ __ ] little sniper hi jety hey I'm no Heidi I'm all personality and it has beun there you there you go [ __ ] absolutely other than that you guys know how it works over two 100 innocent Souls signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get 60 seconds on this stage we'll let this little hanger [ __ ] go up first and while we Wrangle the first comedian and as you know they get 60 seconds you know their time is up when you're the son of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up and then El they bring out the angry bu Hollywood bear and then we interview them we talk to them about anything that could be happening in their lives or what might makes them interesting or what might be funnier for them to talk about the whole thing's improvised Anything Can Happen are you guys ready to start tonight's [ __ ] show while we grab the lucky human that will be going first out of our bucket poles we have a regular on this show he has been starting every episode for the last few weeks he's an absolute [ __ ] sensation a local icon a Comics comic and also a fans comic uh an absolute freak of nature a bundle of energy a power source he literally is like a solar panel um ladies and gentlemen I present to you the Great and Powerful 60 seconds uninterrupted from Casey rocket [Music] the world is a vampire hell yeah there we go very cool hell yeah mayback music all right very cool get lost God I'm riffing for two tonight boys I'm pregnant okay cool get lost to God nights like this I wish I was still covered in mud hiding from the Predator you know what I mean hoping he'd get close so I can steal a kiss all right I got to get out of here I got a date tonight fellas yeah her name hot singles her location in my area [Applause] H the sex casual and Anonymous no strings attached is she HIV positive oh no is she going to try to steal my wallet later oh yeah is it a decoy wallet oh hell [Applause] yeah get real I'll take it I'll ended on that oh my God and that is the launch of th Casey rocket thank you an absolute force of [ __ ] nature and meanwhile you've done it again thank you boys happy to be here hello he's also running for mayor uh the pleasure is all mine Tony happy to be here in the 21st district of Austin today absolutely zero laughs okay sorry about that it was going good it's going good before Oh [ __ ] in the moment wild the great Jack the riffer some people call him you have a lot of these uh nicknames right Cal riffkin Jr yeah yeah uh riffy long stockings the boy who rifted oh oh oh uh the hack Brown Band I didn't know that's not one of them actually Ken riffy Jr perhaps Ken riffy Jr yep yeah who um Riff Raff Riff Raff yeah choosy moms choose riff yes yeah riffs it's uh it's what's for dinner yeah yeah riff Strokes for R folks R that's right yeah stuff like that what you talking about Tony Red Band got excited on that one I love it so what's been going on Casey rocket everything good been good yeah I was in uh Chicago Thursday Wisconsin Friday rally yesterday been going around it's been going good so I've been doing that Philly tomorrow yeah big laughs wow you're just flying around flying around rally yesterday what kind of rally was it was there a Ticky torch yeah he really does look like he sets up the rallies yeah yeah you look like the first half of the show intervention yeah it's not true it's not true now the interesting thing about Casey is that and I don't want to like blow your cover or get too personal but you're sober right yeah I'm sober I've been sober for years yeah May back music thank you damn dude that must have been a wild ride when you weren't yeah yeah tell us some stories yeah there's some res residual stuff going on for sure upstairs yeah uh AIDS AIDS yeah you don't get sober from that that's permanent uh that's true it does appear as though you did do enough drugs to just Last Ride The Wave Casey can I ask you a personal question absolutely was it huffing yeah we used to Huff ether yeah nice ether air dust whippets whippets yeah yeah good time you need any you got whipits we can get them yeah I used to Huff yeah Hillary Duff Huff yeah I used to Huff yeah that's all about it yeah there's a demographic for huffing are you a religious guy mm where do you get your energy wait do you think that's what religious people are yeah do you think they just get their their energy from God he's got the Lord in him thought it was from God he really does he does you crab to some Pentecostal [ __ ] you get [ __ ] nuts you got born again Christian Vibes it is true you ever go to church Casey mm no really no not me what happens if you step inside of a church Turn to Stone I guess yeah he really would look like he could crawl in the ceilings without notice you're like oh my God he's here that's going to Hart me later just take a straw put a right in the holy water let him know you're there yeah yeah I love it Cas atheist atheist I you said cist I was like yeah sorry I'm a casus well I think you have a new name for your fans casus yeah yeah there you go yeah Casey Enthusiast we were in Chicago on Thursday and a big Casey Rocky crowd and this guy uh I guess ate too many Edibles and he passed out in the second row he like fell on his face and had to do [ __ ] riff Resurrection had to bring him back the second riffing what yeah yeah jeez Jesus Christ God damn that China very scary Jesus that is like you're trying to show anger Casey you're an absolute [ __ ] machine no better way I can imagine in the world to get an episode of this show started with your energy with your jokes your [ __ ] bing bing boom boom you truly are thank you guys hell yeah so fun thank you make some [ __ ] noise for Casey rocket ladies and gentlemen that is how you do it the regulars of Kil Tony are freaks of nature now we go to the bucket now this is where we found all of the regulars this is where anything can happen maybe it's the best set we've ever seen in the history of the show maybe it's the worst Maybe May they're a genius maybe they're insane maybe they're a 20year veteran maybe it's their first time your first bucket pull of the night getting 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Raul Sanchez and here we [Applause] go thank you uh I like drinking man uh makes me a pleasant human being um sometimes I get a little too [ __ ] up though like one time I got so drunk I caught myself speeding on the highway cuz I confused the number of the highway with the speed limit sign I was like 97 [ __ ] that was pretty specific no then I thought I better go 92 just to be safe you know how the cops are around here man know you guys never got that [ __ ] up dude one time I was at a bar I got hammered right I start talking to this chick and we hit it off right so I decided to buy one of those condoms from the machines in the bathroom yeah and then later that night we were about to get it on I opened it up and it was too Advil but I was so drunk I was like man Technology's come a long way oh my goodness gracious rul Sanchez has arrived ladies and gentlemen thank you with an unbelievable minute thank you this my time oh my goodness now Raul I know you uh you're a [ __ ] great comedian from Dallas am I correct San Antonio San Antonio that's right you were on this show there correct uh no no no this is my first time uh but I know you from how did you end up opening for I opened I opened for you in uh Cap City when I used to live here that's right and uh you were coming down here all time that's right and I had you do it a few times after that right yeah a couple of times I think two or three times I featured for you cuz you're [ __ ] hilarious appreciate at you I love it now you're in the mix here that was great yeah man Norman that was killer you're really good and just in true Mexican fashion you're going to take our jobs yeah it is true Dan what I love about rul is he feels like you're just hanging out with a dude you work with that you get that you get drunk with and you're like dude Raul's [ __ ] hilarious you're like you hear talk about highways [ __ ] nuts it's all the Landscaping guys getting together yeah yeah and then they call him gay for being too funny right right tell me about it on so Raul you're you're a freaking nature how long you been do standup uh 13 years 13 [ __ ] years that's I love that I love that people that have been doing it that long sign up for the show you come here you [ __ ] Flex you showcase your goddamn skills and now look at you you're right here absolutely thriving in the mix how do you make uh living just from standup uh stand up and uh I also get uh disability from the VA uh oh wow you're a veteran yeah yeah there four years in the in the Army Mexican Army no no the El Airborne infantry sorry Air Force you were in the Air Force oh no Airborne infantry just jump out our planes okay oh boy the migrants are getting good yeah the air dropping them yep that's a way to get over the fence incredible so what were you doing you were jumping out of planes uh yeah uh and then uh well not in country once we were in like Iraq and Afghanistan it was a lot of like just uh busting people's doors open okay kill any kids no these are like fully grown men all right hell yeah I feel like if someone from the Army was here they'd go like hey he no like we were kicking doors down and [ __ ] people up I love it so but sometimes you would jump out of an airplane uh yeah I mean it was like you have to practice it like for when you I guess if we ever get into a real war with like people that got like real stuff right yeah well luckily that that's never happened in our lifetime inad we just like to [ __ ] practice a lot I guess oh my God I can't picture I I don't think I've seen a lot of Mexican uh people jumping out of the old uh jumping bean you know what I mean I haven't seen this before there's a lot actually there are that what we have them doing wait did you just try to compare Mexicans jumping out of airplanes like to black people swimming it feels like you made the jump I mean you're like I don't see you don't see a lot of Mexican skydivers yeah I don't they like the land yeah they like like to be right on ground level Landscaping land people they're people they are people of the land that is hilarious you come from a big family Raul uh no it's just uh me and my sister wow another stereotype completely broken by rul Sanchez well I actually uh we did come over here illegally back in ' 91 boy you were out you didn't have to say anything you're you were defining a new generation of Latinos know but 91 we straight up stuck in yeah right you've talked about the Army this you're you're an open pamphlet thank God you didn't get captured I know that's a good one though I mean you're one of the good ones you come over comedians comedians one second how is that a bad thing how is that the Mexicans are laughing yeah but if you follow the tra I just got a [ __ ] thumbs up a brown thumb yeah I just got that joke was over the line and so is he yeah I don't want to cross anybody's borders here but that is incredible so you came here illegally and just joined the army see that's fair that's how it should be you want to come here illegally join the Army I like serve your time the Asian Mexicans not having this he's just [ __ ] pissed right like Asian Mexican you don't see him he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt he look shaped samoen he's got everything they call him Don Mo I love it that wasn't it your joke it was a genuine I'm regathering myself uh I love it Raul what else would we be surprised to know about you in your life this is a very interesting set and interview you're absolutely killing um uh I used to be a drug addict okay what are we talking what kind of drug uh mostly cocaine like free okay a lot of [ __ ] lot of people going 97 and a 75 back there hell yeah yeah where would you do the cocaine what was like your routine where would it get what would it my homie was a dealer and we used to just kick it in uh his like back room behind his parents house like he was set up there and we us just like stay up all night until until do Coke till we threw up yeah I don't mean to judge your friend but he sounds like a really shitty coke dealer he's like yeah we'll go to place behind my parents and just do all my stash yeah it was pretty bad idea yeah what would you guys do for fun after you do the cocaine what would you guys do like uh it's around the time that I started doing standup so it was uh and after a while like standup starting to get in the way of uh the Coke and yeah he got out of hand pretty quick and and I ran out of money and I just stopped there you go you a natural end to an addiction yeah standups started getting in the way of my addiction but stand up one you you stop Coke you're still doing stand up yeah yeah absolutely yeah yeah you got one minute of material thank you do you ever get tempted to do it you ever have a moment of weakness oh yeah of course yeah like what what does that take is that been is that does that happen when you're out oh I just do it oh okay yeah perfect that's a way to do it absolutely he's admitted to three felonies here for those of you keeping track Army border jumping drugs every time I'm like he's one of the good ones he's like I do cocaine all the time like okay but in the Army all right I got here illegally oh what do you think about cataly converters like do you get them for free or do you buy them no somebody tried to steal one out of a rental of out of our house yeah I would love to have you on the Secret Show sometime if you can look that there you go you passed the catalytic converter test it's one of the only ways to get booked on the secret show this is a legit nice leather joke book you could [ __ ] do blow off it or something like that he's generic Raul on social media all one word I mean that's about as good as it can get out of the bucket makes noise for Raul SCI oh wow what a start of the show so far this right now on Pace for episode of the year it happens that quick oh look at the lovely Heidi I mean my goodness gracious are we the luckiest people on planet Earth or what I'm sorry I looked at your boobs at the bottom boob I feel like I really got caught I she like you need to scre for I was like I'm sorry yeah I know it's hard you think that's bad I saw deep Madness look at her boobs that's that's the weird part he's like hey y'all this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website engage with your audience and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place all on your terms red ban Tony I've used Squarespace a lot I love Squarespace with a fiery passion and I tell you that over the phone almost every night when I call true you call me a lot we talk cuz we're good friends y I just love how easy it is to make a website with them upload organize and access all your content from one place with the new asset Library you're able to manage all your files from one Central Hub and use them across the Squarespace platform sell your products online whether you sell physical digital or service products Squarespace has the tools you need to start selling online that's right redband you can easily sell customers and create a passive income that engages your audience and scales your brand design your products and production inventory and shipping is handled for you saving you time and money there's no doubt about it making a website has never been easier thanks to Squarespace so do yourself a favor and head to squarespace.com for a free trial and when you're ready to launch go to squarespace.com killtony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain right now good evening this podcast is sponsored by Shopify Perfect combo comos peanut butter and jelly spaghetti and meatballs red band and Tony henchcliffe now you and Shopify now that's a combo my friend Shopify is the global Commerce platform that helps you sell at every stage of your business from the launch your online shop stage to the first real life store stage all the way to the did we just said a million orders stage Shopify is here to help you grow whether you're selling scented soap or offering outdoor outfits Shopify helps you sell everywhere from their all-in-one e-commerce platform to their in-person POS system wherever and whatever you're selling shopify's got you covered a red band Shopify helps you turn browsers into buyers with the internet's best converting checkout up to 36% better compared to the other leading commerence platforms and sell more with less effort thanks to Shopify magic your AI powered Allstar I know I love Shopify so much Redban I mean it's crazy I love Shopify more than I love women and men what I love that no matter how big you want your business to grow Shopify gives you all the tools you need to take control and take that business to the next level did you know Shopify power is 10% of all e-commerce in the US Shopify is the global force behind all birds rothy kill merch and millions of other entrepreneurs use it across 1175 countries plus shopify's extensive help resources are there to support your success every step of the way because businesses that grow grow with Shopify sign up for a $1 per month trial period at shopify.com killtony all lowercase go to shopify.com killtony now to grow your business no matter what stage you're in shopify.com killtony all right your next bucket pool goes by the name of Pamela Galvez everybody Pamela Galvez 60 seconds uninterrupted oh [ __ ] here we go what's up everybody so I want to open up a pegging gym for women so that we can have nice strong course because uh I used to date this bisexual guy and we used to have strap on Sundays and uh oh in case you don't know what pegging means pegging means when a girl I guess wears a plastic dick and puts it in the butt of the guy and um it made me really appreciate what you guys go through it's a lot of [ __ ] work it's a lot of work to do this and it's very hard to find the hole too and I I thought like all the position like I thought like uh when he was on top of me that would be easy no that wasn't easy but um guys if your dick could get pregnant you wouldn't want to stick it everywhere so just you know cuz you guys always want to like stick your penises everywhere so yeah okay okay 55 seconds from Pamela I wanted to you what wanted to stay on time there you go you're on time rare for your people yeah cuz you know I'm I'm never exactly I'm never on time What ethnicity are you exactly do do [ __ ] do okay we got it one time's good enough she was hypnotizing Mark Mark was starting to Mark was starting to present to her I want some rice and beans yeah she said it three times yeah you say Dominicana three times guava juice shows up out of nowhere this is an incredible Dan Peg Bundy how many times have you done it Peg but oh oh uh I did it like five times it was amazing same D same dude same dude yeah it was amazing so ladies please try it please try it oh I you feel so powerful I was like o now I get it well got it's a good feeling so okay you know all right returning the favor anyone else anyone else hard yeah ex yeah getting hot in here oh [ __ ] there goes the jacket look at this this is like a [ __ ] uh this is like a all right yeah don't say Dominican again or they will appear yeah I love it uh has anyone ever told you that you're like if Frederick Douglas and Frederick Krueger had a baby I like it uh how long you been doing standup Pamela 3 years where at New York City and LA and Miami and you know you got to spread around right you got to spread yourself around right yeah spread those cheeks yes exactly and lube it up too oh [ __ ] okay shitless of this lady I told you I I want to open up a pegging gym for women it's Dee 24-hour shitness yeah that does happen Okay so uh Pamela what do you do for a living how do you make money um I am a registered nurse oh no oh no I thought she was going to be sex offender school nurse there's the jet skis the jet skis have arrived D all right we get it you're one p dadness there there he goes 15 minutes into the show his first PE break everybody there he goes a true professional dadness um I bet you're going hard with that thermometer in there huh in in the butthole Loop it up baby Loop it up oh my God Tony so I know you wanted to be a heart doctor see I have I had open heart surgery okay ASD ASD atrial septic defect so you know heart we're heart people so that's all I just want so what was the defect super ventricular te cardio yes wow look at that there you go no big deal yeah what Tony you have no heart exactly I know that's like the it's like the ultimate tale you know a man with no heart wanted to be a heart doctor a little boy shocking uhoh so when did you have the surgery when I was 7 years old wow incredible I wear my scar very proudly so I love it I love it absolutely should all wear our scars and everything okay over here over here sorry really long long answers to yes or no questions uh what do you do for fun Pamela um I like to go to the beach and swim and do comedy okay you like to swim I love to swim what kind of swimming do you do makes me feel free like no you know there's no uh no gravity you're just just you and your thoughts yeah that's kind of how water works yeah yeah that's also how people from the can Republic get here um yeah it is incredible following your ancestors footsteps there um Pamela what else tell me something interesting about you swimming isn't really cutting it for me yeah I know um where where you out on Dominican saying the nword is that allowed good question that's a that's a that's a yeah that's a that's a touchy one so what do you think you're Dominican Dominican Dominican no I don't I don't like I don't you do pass the test on a police yeah yeah yeah I'd pull you over yeah you definitely re register with an HOA yeah uh um so I uh I also do comedy for disabled comedians cuz I'm I'm disabled too you just can't see it you know cuckoo obviously and uh so yeah so um really it's very passion passion of mine yeah Dan s the more and more we go on the more and more I see how crazy that guy is for letting you peg him oh you know I feel like you didn't have a safe for at all no we didn't he broke up with me on Valentine's Day of this year I'm very yeah just now he just broke up with me on Valentine's Day what was his reasoning my ass is beding he could he couldn't handle my my craziness he broke your heart you broke his back absolutely incredible on Valentine's Day how did how did he break to you was it a text call text after 3 and2 years 3 and 1/2 years three and A2 years in a text good for [ __ ] his butt lady and yes thank you exactly yeah [ __ ] in the butt wow damn pegasaurus no that's work it work it I like that one I like that one I like that one pegasaurus unbelievable so he left you on Val you guys didn't get to hang out on Valentine's Day no mm- wow wow did you get them anything did you have something prepared for Valentine's Day perhaps some melted uh bedroom chocolates or something like that to blend in with the sheets yeah that's why you always have to have tissue on the side to Yeah clean it up okay gosh wow we're still oh my gosh we're talking about poop stuff and butts that's what you did you brought that up congratulations that was your 55 seconds you created this for yourself Pamela here's a little jokebook there you go all right we're having fun here you guys having fun all right another bucket pull here we go Anything Can Happen Make some noise for Jay Hinsdale everybody Jay Hinsdale here he is Jay [Music] [Applause] [Music] Hinsdale oh crap uh I was at a strip club during the day recently I wasn't there for any particular reason I was just trying to get my mom's engagement ring [Applause] back going going to a strip club during a day is weird though going to a strip club during the day is kind of like going to a haunted house at night it's dark you feel like you're not supposed to be there walls are covered in ectoplasm and seeing a stripper during the day is weird too seeing a stripper during the day is kind of like seeing Batman during the day they both got cool costumes but you can see the [Applause] scars Batman fights crime stripper fights crime the catch and release is a little different for the stripper but she does keep criminals off the streets for an unspecified amount of time and if you read the comics that's better than Batman sorry I have a touch of the tism wow yet another unbelievable minute here tonight Jay Hinsdale am I saying that correctly Jay yeah I usually go by JP but uh I forgot to add the p uh there you go absolutely well welcome have you been on this show before yeah I was actually on the show the first episode you did with an audience after Co at at Anton's yeah okay yeah our first episode in Austin yeah you ruined my life I did how did I do that you gave me dreams and hope and look where a guy I know man that's incredible this is amazing so what have you been doing how long have you been doing standup four years now you didn't start on the show you were doing it for a year or so before I was doing it for 3 months and I got pulled it was it changed my life man for real amazing tell us more about that I I'm interested for the people at home to hear what happens when you to uh make an impression on kill Tony how did it change your life I just it I I was 3 months in man and I was like you know you're at the point when you start where you think you're kidding yourself and like you like were so [ __ ] nice to me like that was crazy no like for real like you were like you're the reason that I kept going yeah you hear that you [ __ ] it's meat I love it absolutely that would have been the perfect sense before he shot you he does have the name of an assassin Jay Hinsdale then assassinated Tony Hinchcliffe it was a great set really good set thank you appreciate it unlike you your jokes have no fat on yeah I know but um I I once went to an antifa sponsored vegan barbecue for Trans awareness oh no yeah I found out they don't accept trans fats wow yes I love it you got the face of Shane Gillis and the body of David Lucas it is incredible you are a machine JP Hinsdale I'm just going to write in the p and call you JP is that okay that's great thank you all right you're welcome so now you've been doing it what' you say four years four years and uh what you make a living doing it no right how do you uh how do you provide for yourself uh I had to wait for a relative to die uh oh good shows patience though yeah yeah yeah like she held on a good long while and Y you're next baby yeah I love it who was it grandma Yeah well how did she die oh she was just it was getting that time I was like honestly it just happened this year it was pretty messed up man like was there a okay Red Band relax Jesus Christ mostly because my mom didn't die and that right sorry well now we know your pecking order yeah exactly she had a pecking order yeah so hindsight's 2020 with a dildo uh okay okay JP touche touche there you go all right so what do you you live in Austin yes sir what do you do for fun uh this right have you been signing up a lot we haven't seen you in um yeah I've been signing up since I moved here and even before I was coming out every Monday so we haven't gotten you on since the first episode in Austin Texas which is well over 3 years ago yeah and you've been signing up continuously like off and on when I could get here but in the past 3 months I've been signing up every week amazing yeah it's [ __ ] tricky with hundreds of people in the bucket this is a perfect example of the [ __ ] randomness of the show but you know I was just telling uh I think it was Rogan the other night that uh you know Williams signed up for I think it was a year or something crazy continuously and did he never once got up and then after a year we pull his name out of the bucket now he has the record for most appearances and interviews all time on the show so it goes to show that [ __ ] you know persistence and everything is uh whatever you're fat let's talk about it um what do you like to eat JP um yeah dude what don't you like to eat let's start there what's the late night [ __ ] gluttonous pleasure yeah tell us taste Oracle tast okay it's not [ __ ] not [ __ ] uh-uh no when I can but it's delicacy uh incredible absolutely I bet you eat it all up too buddy oh like German chocolate cake incredible that you're the bucket pull that doesn't have the heart surgery scar in between your breasts no it's only cuz I can't afford it right well you be careful we might start a heart surgery on me uh incredible JP do you ever exercise what's the most motion that you do in a week um get out of bed that's pretty difficult there you go I do have a bad leg so it makes what's what's wrong with your leg I broke it and I didn't have health insurance so it just kind of healed wrong oh is it is it visible or you want to see it yeah we would love to see oh oh oh [ __ ] you got a homeless leg Yeah yeah you do oh man the ankle goes for those of you who just listening to the podcast the ankle stays the same size all the way up to the knee there's no definition there man I bet you could boot the [ __ ] out of a soccer ball oh yeah dude bring Raul back up let's see okay uh JP anything else that uh we should know about you before letting you uh go back um I did just come out this year as bisexual oh oh my God I I did it at 40 just in time for it to be gross holy [ __ ] absolutely now you're got to be turned down by two genders I know yeah twice the rejection I don't know if my heart can take it incredible yeah I don't think your heart can take much so what made you come out as by how does this happen exactly you might understand this Tony yes of course you son of a [ __ ] this is what happens you changed my life Tony you made me believe in my dreams Tony it's all thanks to you Tony you're [ __ ] gay Tony every Monday well he does have the cattiness of a gay guy like I don't know have you ever been in a relationship so toxic that you consider taking dick again what's again I didn't like it so much when I was 11 but I matured a lot since said hold on this is all moving too fast for me that was good this is all moving too fast for me were you in a relationship with a girl and she broke your heart yeah how did that happen she break up with you on Valentine's Day no like our our our uh psychological problems were too connected just got bad is she dead no she's on the pecking order for sure yeah right behind not for lack of trying it goes mom Rebecca and then my stupid dead Grandma hell yeah so how's the bisexuality been working are you on an app or something like that dud guys are [ __ ] Savage yeah like Savage bro is that I don't know if it's good or bad bad Savage like dude I don't like man I I remember the first night I was out this like guy was coming up he's like hey can I blow you in the bathroom and I was like I'm just new to this I'm not quite ready for this [ __ ] yet oh my God what a gay [ __ ] you are dude get that dick Su bro go to Barnes and no you want to suck my dick I'm new at this but literally like 5 minutes later he's like first he's like I understand then 5 minutes later he like hey you want me to suck your dick in the bathroom I was like dude we just talked about this I was like woo take it easy but let somebody see your dick cuz you're not seeing it no Jesus I had somebody describe it to me once apparently it's Majestic well if it's anything like your leg it's huge what kind of game it's a sight to behold either way yeah what are the apps you're on Uber Eats yeah rub sub I love it I love it so what gay [ __ ] have you done uh well I was driving live for a while wait what what yeah I was Drive well like my first my first night I was driving lift like I picked up this dude at a bar and like he was just sitting in the back he was like making out with this dude when I picked him up and he making out with a woman when you picked him up no he was making out with a dude oh and then he gets in the car and he's like I hate this [ __ ] and I'm like what I'm like he's like I hate hooking up with straight guys yeah and I was like that that guy was straight and he's like yeah he came in with his girlfriend I'm like I'm pretty sure he didn't come out that way yeah and then he was like so we're just sitting talking having a like a normal chill conversation while you're driving him where's he going home yeah he's going home and then we then we get to his destination he's like wait take off your hat again you're like a gay jelly roll look at this everybody look at this [ __ ] smelly roll over here oh my goodness you're going to sing the national anthem for us I love it I mean if you want I'll get the words WR okay can you see so what happens then well he's like hey you want me to suck your dick wait a second we've heard this before yeah yeah why are you like a bug zapper for people that want to suck dick just everyone's like I got to suck this guy's dick I've always wanted to know what it feels like to have a belly on my head as i b a guy it's a moth to a flamer look I I understand it less than you do I you know I've never heard somebody ask me that question until recently um it rains of pores it does uh but he goes like hey man you want me to suck your dick and I'm like um I thought about I was like that's really nice of you but you are the worst at turning down [ __ ] Bo jobs I knew at this oh that's very nice but then he was like like you been blown on the clock I know I know I I would have got more than just the tip um okay so like he's like I'm like I'm thank you but I'm I'm okay by the way let me just point out that you can tell D Madness is homophobic it's because he keeps playing the Law and Order he thinks being gay is so wrong that it's a crime like we hear you D Madness you're saying so much with your bass guitar right now like that's not look I I grew up Irish Catholic so I feel the same way about so then what happened I cut off your story then so then he's like well at least let me see it and I was like I I was I was an ultra boy I'm not it's like I know that trick and it's fo me once shame on you and then he's like well at least describe it to me and I was like it was like 2:00 in the morning I was like I've never had to describe my penis Channel challenge accepted you know so like it didn't take long I explained it then you know after that he was like how are you going to describe your penis to me and not let me see it can I ask you how you described your penis it was a windy night yeah I was new at this yes I was feeling my loins burning in a certain direction I mean it's it's distinguished but it leans a little to the left um just like your leg exactly I love it it's a structural issue okay but anyways like he's like that his logic was sound so I was like I guess I have to do it I don't know okay are you saying this guy argued you into being gay yeah and did he pay you for the ride yeah oh man that's got to be a violation of lift yeah probably it's a good thing I don't do that anymore you're a hooker I know hey what kind of dudes are you into if you do you have a specific type cuz you're what you would be described as a bear is that correct I guess that's what everyone keeps telling me uh no I'm like technically I'm pansexual but I don't like talking to Frying Pan yeah more of a skillet uh yeah okay so what do you mean by pansexual explain that to us Republicans in the room I really I really hate explaining this but it's basically it's not the package it's what's inside you like holes yes yes you do yes but not the mouths of innocent humans no no cuz you're new at this I am at this very very so who have you hooked up with I don't know a couple dudes I'm not like getting names and [ __ ] I'm not to the I don't want their names okay the amount of gay eye rolls at you have probably been so many where they're like oh fine you're new I love it JP I find you to be extremely interesting how long of a set do you think you've acquired in your four years of being a standup comedian longest said I've done is 45 minutes 45 minutes where are you originally from I'm from uh la la yeah that's where your family's from yeah wow I would not have guessed that but no I've been I've been here for I've been here for about 18 years so I've been here long wow incredible you're from La yeah interesting you know what JP I find your story to be so incredibly compelling what part of LA are you originally from um I Glendale I've lived all over Glendale Long Beach Burbank all over Los Angeles and meanwhile on May 10th we will be at the Kia Forum The Forum have you heard of this Arena the world famous arena how would you like to do a minute at The Forum in La you would thank you well there you go you got it JP Hinsdale will be performing you have family there no they're all dead They're All Dead what about your pecking order is Mom still alive yeah but she's here she's in Austin no she's just around that would have been great if he was like I'm new I can't accept it I can't I was going to have I was going to have you invite her out to the show but I guess only grandma's going to be watching your performance at the Forum red man I also love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you can hell yeah there you go thank you look at that dude he started here and it will end here JP Hinsdale at Hinsdale 5000 on social media you probably never got one of these bonai wasn't with us back then there he goes he made it happen just became an arena act ladies and gentlemen JP Hinsdale everyone and like that magic happens he goes from signing up every single week to going back to where he started his life in Los Angeles performing in an arena only under the condition that he lets me suck his dick of course so keep an eye on that could be taken away at any point he likes to play hard to get yeah right and soft to get at the same time it's very bizarre uh ladies and gentlemen as you see dreams can come true on this show and none bigger than the one that you're about to see an absolute force of nature one of our regulars writes and performs a new minute every single week I present to you a freak ladies and gentlemen it's the one and only cam [Applause] [Applause] Patterson hell yo that last [ __ ] gay as hell dog gay as [ __ ] super duper gay R gay uh like that guy I'm a I like [ __ ] I love women they cool H I had a threesome for the first time a couple weeks ago and I made two women come to the same conclusion that I'm pretty bad at sex uh I'm mad because I told them that joke they laugh harder than y'all did I hate them hoes I hate them with my whole heart that [ __ ] really pissed me the [ __ ] off it was weird cuz like at one point one of the girls got mad at the other girl cuz I was [ __ ] the other one too much because her [ __ ] was better I'm a genius you know what I'm saying and so she got mad and went to a different room so I had to [ __ ] him in different rooms so this imagine me butt ass naked 14 in dick don't think about it too hard 14 in dick superp flashing I'm soft not even hard yet you just dragging the floor and I'm running butt ass naked but my socks and slides still on because if you [ __ ] with I your socks and slides on you gay that's gay as hell dog you [ __ ] but ass naked that's gay as [ __ ] right so I'm running back and forth like a Scooby-Doo chasing right just [ __ ] just hitting that [ __ ] right and um I I I really enjoyed I thought it was a good time and I called my home I like hey man I had a thre from last night that [ __ ] was dope and I explained I was going back and forth back and forth he was like you a have a threesome they ran a train on you that's Cam [ __ ] yeah cam Patterson I love it that's a new minute yes originally heard about it in an interview and there it is the actual bit unbelievable take it from interview to [ __ ] it all turns into material yeah them [ __ ] already going to hate me for that one but oh yeah yeah I'm it's hard I'll [ __ ] they or something you know say that's right absolutely get their moms pregnant yeah that's a good idea I should do that yeah the fun thing about [ __ ] a hater's mother is that you can come inside of her all you want yeah let her deal with the repercussions I can be your stepfather some [ __ ] like that exactly God damn what a cool threat I'm going to [ __ ] the [ __ ] out of your mom I'm going to I'd be like I'll listen I'll listen to your stories I love it cam you're absolutely killing what else was going on in the world you really did that huh in two different rooms yeah yeah they was upset with each other one of them was just mad cause [ __ ] the other one way too much and then you went in there and what' you say to her you're like hey I want stop being mad [ __ ] okay that's a direct approach stop being upset dumb ass [ __ ] oh hell yeah you threw dumb in there absolutely super insulting I'm writing it down all right keep going that's good settle down you dumb ass [ __ ] cuz some women like to be talked to aggressively you know what I'm saying she like to be you know what I'm saying feels like a [ __ ] up [Laughter] hitch how do you know who to talk to aggressively and who to not talk to you got to talk to the aggressive ones aggressively you know what I'm saying she really like overly aggressive you got to be aggressive back like I don't hit women but I shake the [ __ ] out of [ __ ] you know what I'm saying I shake how did you know that the one girl's vagina was better than the other girl's vagina if you [ __ ] the one girl first cuz I tried both of them you tried both of them the old Pepsi challenge yeah I tried both on I like this is way better what do you mean it was like the other n just like more like like more wet you feel what I'm saying yeah little jqu you ever had like you ever had like a stuffy nose and one of your noses is just like one side your nose like super wet and the other side of didn't dry [ __ ] that was the other [ __ ] she was just but cam if you ever laid on your side and let the snot fall into the other one and then it opens back up how cool is that what I'm saying is should have switch rooms maybe the [ __ ] would have been better in the other room it's too bad there's no nose spray for [ __ ] open that [ __ ] up you know they needed that [ __ ] I will tell you my favorite part about the threesome is I went outside I went outside I was on the phone with my homeboy about some [ __ ] and then I I came back in and one of the girls was eating the other girl [ __ ] and I was like man life is great man so so I decided I I had like two entries I could choose a go through at this point in life you feel what I'm saying I could either like just shove my dick on her mouth or like [ __ ] the other one and I shove my dick out and I think that was a pretty good decision yeah Choose Your Own Adventure yeah what a postgame conference know right could have gone puss went mouth don't regret it don't regret it good great idea I like it a lot let's also take a take note that during all of this talk about [ __ ] women and women eating each other out not once have we heard from the homophobic Bas player D Madness who played it 18 times during all the gay talk earlier sorry literally things gay things are criminal unbelievable and you [ __ ] with the slides on oh I got two hell yeah you got two yeah cuz you go socks they're on the carpet yeah you got to have you know I'm saying good traction you say yes you you definitely have I'm running to the liquor store outfit on traction huh cuz you on like if you on like you feel what I'm saying like not on really carpet but if you like on like hardw and [ __ ] this [ __ ] so you stay at the edge of the bed and you bring them kind of towards you slides it would be hard to keep them on in the missionary position trust me I keep them [ __ ] on dog you keep them on you got to grit them ho with your toes a little bit oh my God that is incredible these don't come off at all bro for those of you just listening to the podcast he got up on his toes like Michael Jackson um got a grip the hole look look at me look grip them [ __ ] griping got a grip H that is incredible this guy just agrees with whatever you say yes Mr the black man okay M yes yes I'll buy candy for your uniforms [Laughter] incredible my a team man come on [ __ ] with me dog you feel what I'm saying we trying to go to Florida and play in the a tournament man we trying to get there bro I did that before oh yeah I was like 19 not playing basketball in like a year did that before I can see it I think I bought those Skittles hell yeah all right cam I mean you did it again an absolute unbelievable performance yet again just joke joke joke joke joke nobody doesn't quite like him make some noise for cam Patterson everybody come on you can do better than that make some noise for cam everyone God damn it out there daydreaming hello this podcast is sponsored by bepoke post make this year your most awesome yet with a box of Awesome from bepoke post every month the box of awesome is filled with carefully chosen gear from the best small Brands around the world this month I got a big knife from the slash boox it's made by Bare Bones based in Salt Lake City whether you want to drink and eat more awesome dress and travel more awesome or Explore More awesome box of awesome has you covered this year redb to get started take the quiz at box ofawesome.com your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you it's free to join and they release new items every month across a ton of different categories Tony I love getting my box of awesome in the mail each month it's like Christmas I wait by the door like a dog yeah like a dog what waiting waiting for my owner to come back there you go when you become a member you'll have access to Stellar discounts across a plethora of products we're talking 30% off or more sometimes plus with each box of awesome you're supporting small businesses 90% of everything that comes in your box of awesome is from a small upand cominging brand it's free to sign up and you can skip a month or cancel anytime get a free mystery gift with your first monthly shipment when you sign up at box ofawesome.com and enter the code killtony a checkout that's box ofawesome.com codee killtony for a free mystery gift with your first monthly shipment box ofawesome.com code killtony your next bucket pull is from the inside he is one of you make some noise for Tanner Amigo Tanner Amigo from the inside I do well no is that him Tanner you here here he comes all right come the back how many you like it when people do good on this show how many of you like it when people do bad on this show well there you go a bunch of Ruthless People in this room tonight absolute monsters Mak some noise for Tanner Amigo everybody from the inside one of your very own one more time for Tanner [Applause] amigo uh I get confused watching the news a lot like I'll see like a protest going on and you'll see like bunch of fat people and like they're activists like what the [ __ ] you active about fatty fat [ __ ] shh hold on no dude like I like listening to my parents have sex I don't I don't care what you think dude they're my parents Bro [ __ ] you it's fun to think about you know like my dad's shorter than my mom my dad's Asian it's cool he just Teeter totters on her I know he's doing a good job too like I hear my mom go oh yeah yeah my dad's all like [ __ ] yeah get this fo I'm Asian don't get mad at me bro all right cool wow a great minute Tanner Amigo am I saying that correctly Tanner yeah you are yeah yeah yeah welcome to the show this is your first time right yes Dan Soder what up Dan uh what's up dude how are you I'm doing great dude you did you really look like a kid that was kidnapped and then returned I I just kept asking like oh dude let me play the iPad use that get the [ __ ] out incredible how old are you 21 21 years old wow I feel like Kevin spy cuz this twink is cute yeah dude yeah it's going down it is going stinky I'm a little cute stinky boy wow all right there you go how many animals have you killed with rocks wait no so many actually though no a lot answer it um okay I've killed rabbits squirrels I killed um not with a rock but with my car like three Hogs I what was the one with your car I felt it like three Hogs like three three at once instead of two birds one stone my car three Hogs wow hog honestly you can't beat that logic right that's good yeah you look like a kid God damn dude I have never seen a person so ready for a firework accident unbelievable this is incredible you're a little bundle energy Tanner how long have you been doing stand up um this is going to be 10 months no no 11 months in March okay oh that now it's March 11 months guys wait you mean a year in March no no no a year in April because I turned 21 in March so I started in April okay all right well everything's happening right now at this moment it's crazy birthday I don't know why he's got so much cartoon turned into a human energy yeah there it is yeah that's the sound yeah okay so Tanner how do you make a living I work for Tommy buns and Mama jeans wow yeah unbelievable I was actually uh switching on the podcast when you were on not today pal oh okay and you asked um with the great Jamie Lyn great Jamie Lyn and Robo of course yeah you asked um so [Applause] when [Music] wait wait I didn't even get to the [ __ ] I didn't even know you guys don't even know what he asked just hold on because no when I'm mad my nose shakes Tony really likes The Sopranos and which is dope uh and uh he was wondering about this Pink Floyd song that kept popping up when someone was killed it was uh van morison but yes Van Morrison sings the chorus on the Comfortably Numb uh version of for malan's death yes yeah I learned that from when you were on you know they asked the great David chase the Creator the almighty creator of The Sopranos universe and he answered that and he didn't your eyes are so much bler than I thought he didn't even know you talking about my eyes right now I'm talking about David Chase answering my question that I asked on a Soprano's podcast right now sorry dude he's been living with Peter Pan and the Lost Boys just let him have it it's like I don't know Peter Captain Hook's coming around let him my eyes are blue yeah maned uh but yeah he didn't even know he didn't even make the connection blue is your little vest jeez what what is going on here what is going on here wow you're a [ __ ] will you guys stop flirting oh my God what a cute what a meat cute yeah right you Tony you're back in with the Asians yeah you're popular we love you I'm going to get my revenge I'm I'm a dirty Asian though you know we're not what kind of Asian are you I'm Filipino we're not clean uh we're like tree Asians we're AR [Laughter] Boral that means they live in the trees for you retards are our Boreal is in the trees God what this is the worst planet Earth ever the retards are in the trees yeah oh man you look like the kid from a jungle book I was going to say the little Indian is that where you have to calm you down like it's the be Necessities the simple Necessities there it is the actual your forehead Dan your forehead's as white as my ass dude wow Tanner I'm just kidding sweet Zing yeah [ __ ] box car child Zing is his dad's name oh my God Tanner you're a freaking nature have you been funny your whole life you're 21 years old were you a little rabble Rouser in school such a rabble Rouser okay good son of a B I swear to God this kid just have you sp it Tony disrespect it wow you guys are going to [ __ ] we are I'm taking him to the pitch and Putt this week and get them all [ __ ] liquored up on sugar or something like that oh uh you originally from Austin Tanner no where are you from I'm from Shan Clemente California oh it's a shame so close to the Forum if you weren't an [ __ ] sorry I'm sorry I have a question wow did I [ __ ] this up for myself you [ __ ] [ __ ] ow your eyes are Bluer Than I thought I love it Tanner what do you do for fun what else are you into other than comedy um I love fishing I grew up working on fishing boats that's like my favorite thing to do really yeah wow yeah okay I figured you're more of a bait for uh fored chis Hansen show or whatever that was called yeah I yeah be in they tell them that there's cookies and lemonade and [ __ ] if they bring the pizza [ __ ] yeah okay Chris's like you're not supposed to actually [ __ ] up that's the vibe that I was getting open the door I'm already naked I'm like all right we're doing this yeah can I I ask you a question did you [ __ ] that kid no I offered to suck his dick and he told me he was new at this Tanner i' would love to have you on the secret show Thursday if you can thank you and here's a big joke book there you go buddy the Kil Tony debut of Tanner Amigo and ladies and gentlemen on this what appears to be a [ __ ] Home Run Derby episode oh [ __ ] I mean ladies and gentlemen kill Tony Hall of Famer David Lucas has stepped out for those of you just listening to the show what a pleasant surprise absolutely I didn't want [ __ ] I just wanted to tell Tony he look like a gay puffer fish oh my God oh my God I bet if I tickle your booty you'll blow up right now [Music] [ __ ] that's how it works look at dad soda that [ __ ] look like he got on a hockey helmet big head ass [ __ ] you and your [ __ ] wobbly fishe eyes need to shut the [ __ ] up you deflated Patrice O'Neal you look like an intelligent Tom Green [ __ ] I'll take that I'll take that damn I feel like I'm between a black guy and a cop take it easy that [ __ ] look like he coach at a private school get your [ __ ] God willing basketball all right you [ __ ] candy apple David Le look at your Adams Apple [ __ ] God damn boy oh yeah you've never eaten an apple oh [ __ ] oh oh [ __ ] you have a harder time breather than George Floyd hey don't say that I just got cancel for that joke oh sorry sorry that's why all right but if they would have kned on your neck they would have had to curve their knee [ __ ] that that's true that look at that Adams Al it's a doozy that's a mesoa whatever that [ __ ] called and that's a diabetic that's my [ __ ] bro that's why we oh my God kill Tony Hall of Famer one of only three one of only two living David Lucas has arriv I'm out here bro I just want to come out here man and let y'all know uh my special drop March 6 you know what I'm saying filmed it yeah and they tried to cancel me over that George Floyd joke but it don't work that [ __ ] was a crackhead [ __ ] that [ __ ] I really in real life would have shot that [ __ ] it wasn't it wasn't a joke he was 66 [ __ ] that yeah incredible that was quite the situation you were put under I thought you talking about George Floyd it's like that's [ __ ] Co that's one way to put it situation he's the guy from Jersey Shore well hey Tony yeah what kind of shirt is that under that vest what what what are you asking me exactly I ain't never seen a loose Alan Iverson sleeve that [ __ ] weird what do you you look like you got on a church sock [ __ ] your ass Church sock what the [ __ ] that's a Stacy Adams shirt [ __ ] your ass the Steve Harvey line of scuba diving gear you going to take that from Stacy Abrams oh my God man get your old [ __ ] yorky looking ass up out of here boy look like a rich person dog niggaer out here that [ __ ] I like it [ __ ] out of here with that [ __ ] I like it you do look like a rich person's dog I should be in a lady's purse that [ __ ] look like he swallowed a ping pong ball [ __ ] your ass boy when you take a goat that [ __ ] take 30 Years [ __ ] oh yeah take take a sip of that coke I'll be finished next month oh my God it don't stop baby we out here is huge uh and you're gay [ __ ] no you are literally bigger than ever it is I see you on the P didy affidavit [ __ ] your ass oh my God you was at you was at a swimming pool with meat meal well no one knows more about being puffy than you do so joke you be puffing in the morning from that aids medication niggaer your ass you are notorious ly big and you are notorious [ __ ] oh son of a [ __ ] he got me again it goes on and on forever can't understand how we last so long absolutely incredible you know we do this [ __ ] man what El D you know I'm out here bro I'm out here in these cities man Bakersville North Carolina [ __ ] Stress Factory I got the Wilbur at the end of the year we out here doing it kill Tony is the real movement [ __ ] y'all better believe that godamn [ __ ] right doing Madison Square Garden do you [ __ ] understand that [ __ ] yep yep everybody associated with kill Tony as a [ __ ] killing don't forget that [ __ ] that's all I got to say David Lucas everybody you got to love it what a special Poppin stand up we love you David all right absolute legend of the show we're going to be getting trash tonight no doubt about it and I was saying before he even came out I was saying on a what appears to be an all Home Run Derby episode of kill Tony I have pulled one of the most amazing names I could have possibly have pulled out of the bucket genuinely somehow one of the out of the hundreds of signups I have pulled kill Tony Legend Make some noise for David Jolly everybody oh yeah gang violence has arve how y'all doing how yall doing tonight why in Puerto Rico y'all heard the news that the aliens was real y'all heard that it's [ __ ] crazy the real question is when we going to be able to [ __ ] these aliens I seen Avatar I've been waiting on this [ __ ] a long time I ain't never had no turquoise [ __ ] before I'mma Be the first [ __ ] in a polyamorous relationship with two Martian hoes I'm going be like hey you y'all come down here suck my dick cuz I already know if they keeping them aliens at Area 51 it's a niggaer on that midnight shift he just wait for Roger to go eat his cheese s all right thank y'all man thank you thank you thank only 42 seconds oh my bad all right all right uh [ __ ] y y'all ugly [ __ ] okay all right 48 seconds from David what up Tony how's it going my friend welcome [ __ ] you know out here getting it you're having a good time a godamn right you working tonight yeah I'm working absolutely I I love you thought I just walk around with well don't answer that yeah exactly you don't want to know David incredible that I pulled you out of the but do you always sign up when you're working yeah every time I love it well and I I was sitting up there and then I seen I seen Brian look at Co and I were like I think this might be my [ __ ] name you're goddamn right yeah look at you what up Mark hey it's good to see you I mean you were great in blood diamond yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah you was good in Honey I sh ke fly out of my nose yeah genuine snot just flew out of my nose on that one while I was trying to light a cigarette that was incredible he Swift a very rare treat on this show is liquids flying out of my body surprisingly so David welcome back uh since the last time that you've been on this show uh I had you do some uh spots on my Tony henchcliffe and current friends you killed and then I invited you on the road and I mean I don't know why I was surprised but your level of intensity in giant theaters was so incredible that I had you back and back again so you've been kind of part of this rolling crew tell these people what it's like doing soldout theaters around the world with me that [ __ ] [ __ ] can you describe it a little bit better I mean cuz like you got it takes so much time like with the jokes cuz you tell the joke then it's 2,000 people you know with the timing it's great though man it's fun we having fun on the road cracking jokes always giving Hans Kim [ __ ] every day you know what I me yeah it's amazing that's the best part to me yeah it really is and we also roast a lot it's I don't give a damn you know oh we know Hans doesn't really give a damn either everybody's happy to be on the ride I took you to we went to Cleveland and Pittsburgh this past weekend and we stopped off in Youngstown Ohio which is the Midway point and you went to my mom's house yeah yeah we hung got good over there a little fun fact though I told my mom that uh who was it who else was with us it was Yoni Christy Hans cam Daddy and Cam and Cam's dad but I had uh I told um David to wait in the car five minutes and after she let everybody in I didn't tell her that David was coming and uh and then I had him just bang on the door really really hard to freak her out but she was a good spe she put the gun down what did she do yeah it was it was unbelievably hilarious you got to have Youngstown Pizza balleria Uptown Pizza ice cream was F that's handles ice cream it tastes famous you've had it very good very good I thought I thought it was going to taste like purple drink but it tasted like grape so that was good ice cream we did we got grape flavor you ever had purple drink oh yeah it's good right very good I know you had it Dan you like you from the hood B this is I love purple drink yeah yeah it's delicious I'm telling you it is no I know it is this is what the [ __ ] is that what the hell is that find me in a hot tub no oh were were you friends with dorks David Lucas and David Jolly back to back I uh it's a shame because I was trying to get Cat Williams on this episode uh last week but he obviously had other things to do I wonder what Cat Williams would have said about your performance here tonight it makes me wonder can't even do a fa minute the man they got him working the door can't even do a damn fo minut and it's a shame get away from me white [ __ ] I don't be [ __ ] ain't having no snow bunnies up in my [ __ ] pimping that's good that's a good one oh my God Dan soder's new special on the road is on YouTube now please give him the full [ __ ] kill Tony bump let [ __ ] know oh my God it's good I see you getting better every day I see at the club you're always good your material is gold oh wait that's your te I followed you last night sorry I followed you last night oh yeah home yeah no I mean all right never I'm on the open m on the uh creu show oh yeah that was they forgot you was on the stage when I left wow you're I just [ __ ] with don't bear me one day Mark feels like he's talking to the door guy of his building right now like oh yeah he yeah it's crazy it's raining all it's cold out I got to go yeah how's your kids he all right he good oh oh you're taking care of him that's nice he does not know where they are he ain't College actually he pretty good you got a kid in college yeah what college is he going to Bon cookman University in Dayton what's it called bon cookman University Bon cookman bth cook Bon cookman [ __ ] you hear me tell godamn my God Google it [ __ ] Google what the [ __ ] is that what is that what is that what is what song is that boom what song is that boom you know what song that is I don't I Ain here play it again Brian you know what [ __ ] song that is it's your morning alarm clock and by morning I mean 100 p.m. I'm sure that's good we know you ain't contributing to the bathoon Cook fund why not you're giving them College money [ __ ] no that's what I just I'm giving I'm giving him money not Bon [ __ ] Bon right I went to fam [ __ ] Bon Google that [ __ ] white people B cookman University in Florida A&M are two historically black colleges that uh he know don't you know huh oh that's uh black Theon from earlier uh the guy he know he know what I'm talking about man it's two prestigious universities so weird hearing black guys talk College yeah exactly crazy quite the community you guys have built for yourselves yeah I'm I'm I'm doing all right I'm pretty good you know what I mean right you're doing just fine feel me yep between G and G you're doing just fine man oh man [ __ ] you ton you ass your [ __ ] we love you incredible to have David Lucas and David Jolly back to back since he had to apologize for doing jokes about you uh not a lot of people know this but this is the actual George Floyd he was an actor the entire time he's alive and well he's totally fine I was in I was in the Bahamas that's what I was doing smoking weed with Tupac and [ __ ] you know doing cocaine with Elvis you know the US sh you know absolutely gang violence and you know the Vibes yeah yeah all right Theon that's enough talking while the show's going on he's not a movie theater hey hey relax he kick he going to kick y'all out I'm telling yall you going to be out of here yeah what is this media goes to a comedy show or what incredible uh David Jolly you're a sensation what can I say everybody loves you your cold blooded killer else yeah yeah appreciate David all right we keep moving along now we started a little late we're going to go a little bit longer Mak no for your next bucket pole Alex Hobson everybody Alex Hobson is next on Kil Tony such a fun interviews whoa Mak some noise for Alex Hobson everyone hey everybody I hope that you're all in a good mood tonight I have uh that's a good thing that's a good thing I have uh I've been in Texas for two whole weeks and I'm absolutely loving it I'm uh I'm on a road trip uh from Canada and a lot of things are similar uh for example the uh the proud patriotic animal of Canada is the beaver so so that's one thing that uh that we have in common with Texas which is nice because the uh the the proud animal symbol of Texas is also a beaver that beaver's name is Bucky he is uh he is incredibly popular adults love him kids love him very popular guy all right folks hope you keep having a great night that's my time thanks wait a second Alex first of all you're the happiest angry looking guy I've ever seen in my life I'm not sure what to make of this it's so fun to see Santa on his off hours though there he is awesome thank you damn dude that that set was easy stop yeah you're like a gay wizard yeah Alex what is going on here exactly what are you that's your first time doing standup correct it is my 11th time tonight whoa 11 time tonight what does that mean to you exactly what does what does tonight mean or what does 11th time mean it means I've done I've done open mics up in Canada but only a few oh your 11 time thought you you did 11 sets tonight yeah that's I thought he meant too he can travel the whole world in one night yeah yeah it is very Santa likee except he slays sometimes this was more oh dear uh so Alex uh you've done standup 11 times total what do you do for a living what type of prison guard are you exactly I Mark essays you mark essays yeah like [ __ ] you I Mark you bro yeah that is an interesting uh what do you mean you mark essays like I work for a university but everything's online so that's why I'm able to uh be here visiting here so you're a paper grader yes I am a paper grader online yes so you'll never be in a school shooting unfortunately unfortunately how long how long have you been an online marker uh for qu for like 12 years now wow basically was uh doing my education in stages did you know did a ba did an Ma and then got partway through a PhD are you William Montgomery's dad uh okay you need an answer that was weird are you married what have you done with your life how old are you I am 52 okay and what have you done up until this point what what made you start stand up so late was uh in a marriage where uh Freedom wasn't uh really available tell us more about this marriage how long did it last by the way who was the restrictive one him or her yeah exactly he looks like he's got someone chained to a radiator yeah absolutely no your honor I'm the victim of the domestic violence um I swear you got evil youth pastor energy yeah so what happened with the marriage tell us about the marriage it was one of those things things that uh started out and I thought that it was uh someone that was uh amazing and passionate and driven and so I said to myself you know if the first night is like this you know then you know what else will be good you know what else will be intense the divorce and it was how long was the marriage 12 years and what was so intense about the divorce just yeah just uh the truth was married to a very passionate very driven very int when you say that she's passionate give us some type of example of how she's passionate what do you mean in the bedroom yes okay what ethnicity was she uh Chinese from China who there you go truth comes out the Asians holding strong on this one damn you got tiger momed huh yes yeah dude was she from China yes oh did you you come in a box no she was actually from a very wealthy Chinese family I met her while she was traveling Oh Kim Jung oh wait that's Korea that's Korea sorry wow so the marriage ended up being just general so so that's Chinese that's good that's a Chinese I like it okay she just egg rolled over yeah all right she was like Kung Pow yeah there was a lot of that she she was abusive absolutely yeah tell us about it come on she hit you with numb chucks yeah little choppy chop put you in a finger trap [Music] [Applause] [Laughter] or what did she do to you a lot of uh mostly a lot of Throne dishes lack of control China yeah she's throwing to China babe that's our Good China I'm the Good China I'm the Good China my goodness with being betrayed by a Chinese person it's like dang you know what I mean was she really she was smaller than you though right like I'm very fra no no not really no like I I when I went to China and uh went to Beijing and met her dad and her dad was a little bit taller than I am and I'm not not short so uh crazy yeah he was taller than you yes wow so you went there you met her there and you took her to go Chinese takeout uh in one of those very strange things we met in uh St John's newfinland so I'm from British Columbia we met way on the other side of Canada so kind of like being from Seattle and then meeting someone in New York and right wow so wait this is your Sleepless in Seattle she just looks with one eye open [Music] so tell us more about this [ __ ] spicy dish what else would she do to you what else what was like the where did you draw the line exactly where did you build your Great Wall what were the pepper staks in the sand yeah when did the wantons of fun end so stupid what were the highs and low Mains yeah when did she become an unfortunate [Applause] cookie was she spy ballooning on you yeah no more Mr rice guy when did you know you were a Gong yeah did you jump on the old Panda Express and get out of there you know what I mean did she start Co sorry if she could have she would have got her wow look at that my goodness she was in the Airborne Division all right so uh 12 years what was the final what was the last straw even though they don't really put straws in the to-go bags if you order okay go all right trying to shoehorn these Chinese jokes I really thought you were going to say what was the last straw hat but I didn't know oh there you go that is the one that's called punch up right there no that is correct okay basically watch it go go from uh passionate and spontaneous into uh passionate spontaneous and violent and uh just tried to uh tried to keep everything as comfortable as I could for the sake of the kids and uh how many kids two kids okay lucky numbers two 17 all right okay you're saying she went from sweet to sour I am there you go absolutely absolutely no doubt about it I like it I like it okay uh so uh have you been with another woman since then yeah I uh I actually went cuz I went from someone who was uh very thin where we didn't have a lot in common where every conversation thinks are something now yeah someone someone from very close grew up on a ranch like I did you know up on a ranch and a thousand island by the looks of things indeed indeed count it my goodness gracious so you found a woman and are you going to settle down with her yeah things are happier you guys are calmer and happier you guys Netflix and chill absolutely you guys are into that what do you watch Love on the Spectrum yeah that's clever we definitely do that and now and now I finally watch a lot of standup so okay very cool absolutely um well uh Alex thank you so much fun times your 11th time ever on stage here's a little joke book for you more jokes you tried your best I like your style you honest in the interview that goes a long way Alex Hobson everybody okay all right we're getting through it let's make this the last bucket pole of the night that seems to make sense Make some noise for your final comedian of the night Brandon badic everybody Brandon [Music] [Applause] [Music] btic yeah I just turned 25 which sucks uh cuz I feel like I look like I killed a guy in the 70s um it's been lonely man I uh I tried my handed only fans the other day uh it's cool it's his website where people post nudes but to see the nudes you have to pay a subscription fee um I was on this goth girls account I look at her price $25 a month it's like really girls out here competing with HBO Max are you [ __ ] kidding me man like listen I bet your [ __ ] is good but it's not The Sopranos let's be real get a writer's room in an anime adaptation then we'll talk but I'll just stick with the centerfolds for now um I was using the bathroom before this I hate using urals man do you have any idea how uncomfortable it is that people can see my back as I masterbait stor I'm BR back thank you guys Brandon btic hi Brandon welcome to the show how's it going your first time on right yeah yeah big fan welcome hell yeah how long you been doing standup two years okay where you from Worcester Worcester Massachusetts do you live here now are you visiting I've been living here for a week now oh one week how's it been going for you tell us about your week in Austin Texas [ __ ] sucks uh why does it suck I live above the lodge uh oh yeah it's the bar down the street cuz I was looking for a I'm currently unemployed and it sucks man uh between the hours of 3:00 p.m. and 2: a.m. if you lay on my floor you just vibrate right yeah yeah you got to place above a bar yeah yeah and then the water sucks you shower and you're just dirtier you know it's oh wow the worst hell yeah incredible so uh what do you do for work I know you're unemployed right now what are you looking for um so I actually in in Massachusetts I worked at a record store for two years as you can tell that's crazy yeah looking to maybe where at like waterl or something yeah yeah you think you're going to get a job there I think so um just based off you're going to be like look at me based off my smell you know right okay okay so uh what types of things do people that work at record stores actually like know um they they know how to roll a joint that's confirmed all the time blunts joints the business side not so much they never they never tend to know how to run a business yeah incredible 25 years old vinyl has never even been a thing since you've been alive literally Bluetooth forever yeah right okay uh I was born past the CD era yes yeah no doubt about it this is one of them Red Band half your age a cloud half your age that's what it looks like it looks like the same age it's incredible you look like you've been hiding in the Jew [Music] tunnels yeah so are you Jewish no ah what are your face I'm a Albanian [Music] oh God worshiping Jews is what they are folks I do believe you Catholic used to be but then what happened I uh did I found Satan whoa okay no I'm a atheist okay it's a little Black Hole Sun for you okay so tell us something interesting about your life Brandon we get it you're 25 you work in a record store but you don't you're in the Satan like they all are right um interesting fact when I was a kid I used to breed a beta fish the Chinese fighting fish yes yeah our last comedian was married to one yeah yeah he was a beta cck fish killing it on the jet ski so uh other than raising beta fish as a child is there anything else that we might be surprised to know about you Brandon b um I uh I did fencing for 10 years really putting up that border W oh I see actual fencing okay I'm starting to figure this out it's starting to make sense Rich parents middle class that's what Rich parents people with Rich parents's trying to hide the fact that his father is Rob zomie this is Josh zombie the son of zombie his government name is Michael zombie he's like Marilyn Hansen I love it what does your father do for a living uh he sold car insurance actually he digs to the ditches and burns to the witches back on that's at night yeah Brandon bck a decent set welcome uh to Austin welcome to the Kil Tony Universe there goes Brandon badic everybody quick one for him tonight and that brings us to that undeniable moment in the show where only one thing in the world can possibly happen ladies and gentlemen I present to you Kil Tony Hall of Famer and record holder for all time sets and interviews with a brand new minute yet again the Memphis Strangler the Tijana tarantula the St Louis Laredo lady killer the vanilla gorilla The Big Red Machine this is indeed William Montgomery with a brand new minute oh my goodness it's [Applause] [Music] him everybody says dogs are racist but mine's actually homophobic I tried to my dog to San Francisco and she said and I quote either Bard me or euthanize me 47-year-old Russian opposition leader Alexi naali was recently found dead in prison Russian officials said he died from sudden death syndrome which is kind of weird because I didn't even realize he knew Hillary Clinton this is a really weird rumor but I just heard the Leah plane crash happened because the pilot tried to Ghost Ride the Whip okay that's my time thank you wow doing it like only he can do it ladies and gentlemen William Lights Out Montgomery with another Super topical set mixed in with an Aaliyah plane crash unbelievable I love it you cover the uh uh death of the uh what was it the journalist yeah Alexi nval I mean it's it's really crazy how Hillary Clinton really has reached her tentacles even to the far reaches of our planet Earth I mean I'm almost a little worried to even talk about her [ __ ] old ogre looking [ __ ] ass right now because I and I'm worried Tony I'm worried about myself today I was watching I was at my perch and I was watching this homeless man go through garbage can for a couple hours and I finally got up the nerve to get a bag of trash that I just made and I went out there and I started talking to him in this really aggressive southern accent just trying to scare his ass and you just looking in a [Laughter] mirror all right all right all right but yeah I mean I yeah I was what you do you kill him no but I did go back out there I got my pocket knife and I went back out there because he was still out there and I said you can go through the [ __ ] just clean it all up and when I get back I had to leave somewhere when I get back all the shit's still on the ground so I go up to him and I'm like hey are you going to clean all this [ __ ] up what are you going to are you leaving it there and then I was like have fun on the streets and my freaking I got in trouble my girlfriend heard me say that and she was like you seemed okay but then when you said have fun on the streets she took offense to that so maybe I shouldn't have said that but he started coming at me Tony and I ran up the stairs of my apartment like a little [ __ ] because I didn't want to have a confrontation but he he came at me for those of you let me just I just want to let you know why Redban and I are holding back laughter right now deeply because all the stuff that William talks about tends to be you know I don't want to give away the kayfabe and the beauty of the show but you know it's not always real with William you know the sponsorship some of the things that he says and does but when it comes to the living neighbor of his neighborhood William Montgomery everything that you hear is real so when he's saying that he's going to build an escalator in his apartment not true right but when he's talking about seeing things outside of his window or sitting on his perch these these are the things that he talks about in The Green Room before a show in a theater these are the things he talks about on an airplane at fancy restaurants at Ms after an episode of Kil Tony when everybody's talking about thriving and the future Arenas he goes this [ __ ] neighbor like it's like a real thing so this story The reason why Red Man's dying of laughter is because we know that that actually happened today it did the only thing I don't believe is the girlfriend that part stood out to me but would you have guessed or what would you say like a boyfriend or what would you or just or just by myself yeah assume you're in a trailer rotting away I have been I was eating Butterfingers this weekend in two bites I was getting whoa yeah I mean IE like five of them I had the munchies so bad on Saturday night oh yeah a little weed yes smoking a little weed and yeah ate five uh uh butter fingers in tin bites nice that's that's an ACC stats yeah yeah good good numbers are you talking about the actual full size butter finger we you going bite size here no full size not king size but regular size you weren't choking on the butter finger no I mean if I can get half of it in my mouth the whole I can literally with a little pushing get it down my throat cuz literally you don't get as as uh is full if you're just kind of forcing it down your throat and I really wanted to eat Butterfingers I was having a bad time during one of the sets all the sets went good at Spokan but the first Friday I see these two pieces of [ __ ] sitting in the very front and they immediately position their phone where it looks like it's recording me which is fine but then halfway through in real time I'm thinking they're recording me I'm bombing so I'm having this whole inner monologue thing during the set so it's a disaster in my eyes I think it was fine for everybody else but it was scary Tony so what did you do did you ackn the phone I didn't but I was acknowledging everybody else I was calling everybody else a [ __ ] and going really aggressively after everybody but I was too scared because could a phone be positioned to look like it's recording was it flat on the table it was positioned up on something with the speaker part where closest to me so I mean that means they were recording me so yeah you didn't think about saying anything that's too much of a [ __ ] man I mean that's why it killed me earlier with that Homeless dude I should have got my [ __ ] knife faed and really finally showed somebody who's boss but cuz Tony I swear all I talk about strangling so much there's a side of me that really wants to start strangling or something so tonight could have been my chance I probably could have gotten away with it what I don't understand William what I don't understand you think that's funny you dumbass you'd be the first person I [ __ ] got and everybody would think you just had a [ __ ] heart attack or something you dumbass except for all the come everywhere if you were to chck there you go he trapped you he trapped you into bombing just then yeah okay so so what I don't understand is you know I see you here all the time I take you on the road all the time you're always crushing how is it possible that at your own show where people are specifically buying tickets to William Montgomery why do you feel like you were bombing how does that happen no I don't think I actually was just in my head I'm thinking that's happening so I don't I don't know I don't think it was actually happening I think it was actually going okay oh okay there you go it's so it was okay what about a special we going to have a we going to get like a special on YouTube from you soon yeah we'll see I mean it's taken me uh freaking coon's age to come up with 45 minutes I don't believe you're allowed to be able to I don't think no no with the beard clears it clears how long is a what you said how long is that length of time I guess maybe we should ask John de or D Madness oky dokie you know uh actually that reminds me I think we have something for dadness don't we can we bring that out now would that be crazy to do that this is kind of improvise just grab it right now and then we'll do that um so William is there anything you're passionate about this week have you been eating your all fiber brand buds I did earlier today and actually in Spokan I had the best pancakes I've ever had in my life I've never had a pancake with not only buttermilk but also sourdough uh mix and with the pancakes it was to die for okay I'm actually [ __ ] kind of Pumped about that those Spokane yes yes is that where you learn the terminology a age yeah after one of the shows these uh five or six kind of scary looking white dudes came up to me from C Lane um but they were pretty nice we we've actually looked it up a coon's age means a very long time it is an americanism that has fallen out of favor and is considered offensive to many people Co oh [ __ ] is a slang for raccoon coined in the mid 1700s the term [ __ ] was first used in the early 1800s and in fact owes its origin to the folk belief that raccoons live a long time look at that not racist at all there you go it's just about the long life of a little animal there you go theon's finally laughing now he's allowed to laugh for a raccoon it is long believed the folk belief that raccoons are long lived I never thought it was racist though well I mean well that's racist to not think it's racist actually it's more racist to not think it's racist see all right this segment feels like a [ __ ] it's getting weird you're going to be you're going to see this one on YouTube and uh you're going to see this one on YouTube and you're going to be like hey ladies and gentlemen Make some noise for Heidi first of all yeah uh I I I haven't said anything about this tonight but first of all I'd like you to see how beautifully this cake is decorated I don't know if you can tilt that towards them without it falling off but at midnight it is indeed D madness's birthday everybody and we've had a cake decorated uh as you could tell it says happy birthday D Madness on it I don't know if you guys can see that and I think it's only fitting that to end tonight's episode of kill Tony William you should lead us in singing Happy Birthday to dadness [Applause] everybody happy birthday to you happy birthday to you happy birthday dear Madness happy birthday birthday to you blow the candle all right blow out blow out your candles de Madness it's right in front of you blow blow yeah you [Applause] [Music] got and that is tonight's episode Make some noise for Dan Soder on the road literally right now go to Dan Soder on YouTube and watch his special I want him to get the full effects of the kill Tony bump one more time for Dan Soder how about one more time for the Great and Powerful Mark Norman everybody Mark Norman comedy.com for all of his tour dates Tuesday with stories we might be drunk two of the best podcasts out there check out soders podcast Soder how about one more time for jet ski everybody she's onour jety Johnson comedy.com jety johnson.com [ __ ] yeah the drawing from Ryan J E belt is in it's absolutely stunning uh thank you to Squarespace Shopify red rose yellow rose gel Blaster let's see the drawing from Chris Rogers oh Cam and David Jolly unbelievable how about one more time for the band Terell Shahed Michael Gonzalez jety Johnson John de one more time for the birthday boy D Madness check out the Sunset Strip atx.com love you guys congratulations to JP Hinsdale joining us at the Kia Forum still some tickets left for Madison Square Garden uh we will see you guys soon we love you thank you good night [Music] everybody [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] he [Music] the Sunset Strip comedy club in Austin Texas is now open check out Red Band Secret show every Thursday go to Sunset Strip atx.com for [Music] tickets [Music] n

Channel: Kill Tony

Views: 2,249,356

Keywords: Kill, Tony, podcast, Comedy, Store, Belly, Room, Hollywood, stand, up, comedian, comedy, jokes, panel, one, minute, cat, angry, west, bear, Hinchcliffe, Brian, Redban

Id: 11FD8eVzsfk

Length: 115min 45sec (6945 seconds)

Published: Tue Mar 26 2024