KT #620 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS

hey y'all we're at 75 of the tickets sold for the HEB Center New Year's Eve Austin Texas a lot of shows happening that weekend come visit Austin Texas the live music capital of the world and the new comedy capital of the world New Year's Eve HEB Center last chance for tickets ticketmaster.com we have new drops coming and everything else is absolutely thriving there I mean it's just unbelievable we've sold out and we are refreshing on everything the store is an absolute wild success from stickers to tickers to Old American Pickers well Ford only knows what you will find at killmerch.com right now [Music] [Music] [Music] thank you [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] hey this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin Texas for a brand new episode of kill Tony get up for Tony hitchcliffe [Applause] who's ready to [ __ ] some [ __ ] up tonight huh oh it's red band everybody hi 10 years and a month of working with this man we'd never miss A Beat It seems indeed how about a hand for the [ __ ] band huh God damn it screwball peanut butter whiskey presents the kill Tony Band also gel Blaster presents kill Tony red rose yellow rose Austin security guard service Connect Mobile Health at cmhus.com you can use the code kill 10 for 10 off your IV drips now this is a brand new thing yeah people like to drink this is an unbelievable deal I forgot to tell you we get uh IV drips now anytime we want oh [ __ ] how cool is that that's a great local artist Chris Rogers drawing over there how about a hand for the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums Paul Diemer on the horns Matt muelling on the electric guitar John D's on the keys in the great D Madness right down the barrel here we were watching from the screen up in the green room and uh somebody mentioned something that I thought was hilarious uh if you don't know the show you can't tell which one of these two musicians behind us is blind D Madness and John D's having a blind off tonight it could be either one of them maybe you'll figure it out as the episode goes on we have a very fun show planned for you before we start here's a little bit from The Amazing sponsors the made tonight's episode available for you here right now hey y'all it's official it's announced it's out there my largest stand-up tour of my entire life all the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities Toronto Canada Royal Oak Michigan San Antonio Texas Chicago Illinois Charlotte North Carolina Atlanta Georgia Columbus Ohio Kansas City Missouri Indianapolis Indiana Philadelphia Pennsylvania Tysons Virginia just outside of D.C Milwaukee Wisconsin Minneapolis Minnesota Youngstown Ohio Cincinnati Ohio San Francisco California Sacramento California San Diego California Phoenix Arizona New York New York Clear Water Florida and Jacksonville Florida tickets available at Tony clip.com come see the crazy Texas [ __ ] stand-up that I've been working on you're not going to believe it let's have some fun the Sunset Strip Comedy Club owned by Brian Redman is in downtown Austin Texas check out the secret show every Thursday all shows can be found at sunset stripatx.com [Music] hey y'all you know we just sold out I believe five months in a row of keltoni in less than a minute a lot of people are always stressed out trying to buy tickets for things it could be maybe your favorite musical event maybe your favorite opera singer maybe your favorite sporting event playoff games it could be anything buying tickets to your favorite events should not be stressful game time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all the sports music comedy and theater near you with killer deals on last minute tickets and their best price guarantee you can stop stressing over the tickets and start getting hyped for the fun you'll have I know I'm excited because Nickelback is coming to the Moody Center on September 23rd and Tears for Fears is at the Moody Center wow last call for tickets anything can happen I just browse 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without the stress with Game Time download the game time app create an account use code kill Tony for 20 off your first purchase terms apply again create an account and redeem code kill Tony for twenty dollars off download game time today last minute tickets lowest price guaranteed cannonballs this summer it's not about the size of those cannonballs it's about making a splash with our friends at manscaped prep for barbecue season by making sure your Grill Master has the hottest dogs The Summer's ever seen when you're at the cookout let the meat speak for itself with manscape's performance package 4.0 it's time to get ready and not sweaty go to manscape.com and use code kill Tony for 20 off free shipping just a reminder this is not about meat this is about your pubic region Red Band the manscape performance package 4.0 has everything you need to guarantee you'll have the most mouth-watering treats at the party they built the ultimate bundle for your summer grooming their lawnmower 4.0 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Tony five zero for 50 off plus free shipping hellofresh America's number one meal kit all right you guys ready to start the show you guys can do better than that you ready to start tonight's [ __ ] show how many of you guys have been listening to the show a long time huh how many of you consider yourself true fans of stand-up comedy well then you're in for a special treat two guests tonight two of the best this is I know when I book this show perfectly this is one of those nights Make some noise for two of the greatest guests in the show's history two of my favorite comedians on planet Earth Rich Boston Adam Ray [Applause] [Music] Rich boss Adam Ray all right Adam sit down Rich mods Adam Ray [Music] this is a perfect booking Adam silly goofy super present Rich boss New York serious joke joke I [ __ ] love this combo this is a sweet little kill Tony cocktail we have made here tonight Adam how you feeling fired up happy to be back in Austin you guys fired up to be here happy birthday America Adam one of the funny up for guests of the Year 2023 nominated 2022-2021 and 2020. uh him and I came up together at The Comedy Store every time we get together it's always a [ __ ] silly [ __ ] mess the great Rich boss is here fresh off a birthday this [ __ ] weekend and I do believe [ __ ] six sold out shows here at the mothership absolutely crushing golfed in 87 today a 92 with me on Friday this guy's [ __ ] crushing amazing week you can't ask for anything better I'm telling you this [ __ ] town is the best town in this area [Laughter] [Music] I [ __ ] love it we're gonna have so much fun here tonight you guys have both been guests on the show multiple times you know how it works over 200 Souls have signed up here tonight look at this [ __ ] diabolical mess it is insanity we're gonna get through it together I mean not all of these names but we're gonna meet a few of these [ __ ] crazy people uh they get 60 seconds you know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear you guys know all about this when that noise happens or they stop their set um I interview them we find out more about them we find out uh what makes them interesting every episode has a different DNA completely different guess different bucket pulls and a few familiar faces that we call the regulars but before we get to our first comedian of the night I'm going to pre-pool a name so that we can grab them from the bar two doors down and uh let's [ __ ] do it you guys ready to start the show wow wow there's only one way to start a show like this this guy has been defending his throne for weeks we're giving him the night off of Defending unless we don't like his set in which case next week he will be fighting for his life uh we have applied extra pressure to him so that he takes every one of these sets super super seriously he started on the show two years plus ago we found him sleeping in his van eight years into the open mic game and we changed his [ __ ] life he now sells out every goddamn weekend hitting bonuses in every city making bath sums of money he wears a Rolex watch he is with a girl out of his League ladies and gentlemen sing it if you know the words you guys know the words start it now ladies and gentlemen this is Hans Kim this is [Music] what's up [Applause] what's up Texas I was recently looking up the best bullets to kill humans with but then I realized you can't just Google that so I just Googled best bullets for self-defense and I realized you can Google anything as long as you put self-defense at the end of it how to commit a mass shooting for self-defense when all those Jews come running at you you'll be gone yeah how to rape for self-defense and get away the lady might have to rape you know what they say at airports if you see something suspicious say something suspicious I saw an unattended package I was like did you know that the age of consent in Japan is 13 years old [Applause] punch punch punch punch thank you Tony how did that one feel for you it felt amazing please don't make me do that again the challenge oh wow I'm tired of defeating retards in public oh my goodness wow they're calling me the [ __ ] killer out in the streets wow look at that but only in self-defense interesting you guys think he did good enough to not be challenged next week [Applause] thank you uh you guys have seen Hans Kim before would you think about Hans yeah how many rape jokes do you think you write a week uh fewer than I do actual rapes um Jesus welcome back they will probably edit this out how can you rate when you can't see them good question Hans you gotta get real close man that's tight that's tight it's the belly button Hans that was that was amazing thank you Rich yeah really always on that I love it Hans at one point you said you be gone yeah what made you say that like an old 90s commercial like a spray I thought that's how it felt wouldn't it be nice if we had one of those I don't know I mean it's not just from your family another good point Hans that is true Jews love Asian food yeah um they they love cheapness and uh okay uh Jesus oh my God sound effective of the year so far yes can we please do that after every can you give us some more stereotypes of other races what about the blacks Hans give us a stereotype of the blacks the blacks are very uh athletic and fast but they can be a little Steely foreign oh my God this is like racist Comics Unleashed we're just setting them up yohance I heard you were hanging out with an Ethiopian guy recently yeah I wouldn't have any utensils for me if it wasn't for sure did here rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich rich so Hans uh let's go through one more uh race together let's pick uh let's pick a specific one what do you guys think what would be a good race for this okay Italian I heard German going once let's go Germans on this one Germans great people uh they can be a little um No One's Gonna ever keep them down all right okay Hans you did it again fun set way to get the show started I love it we're gonna keep you away from having to defend your spot yet again but at any given [ __ ] week we're gonna apply the pressure again I love that you [ __ ] stepped it up your sets your interviews your mind have you been off the drugs yes really a little bit yes a little bit yes hold on hold on wait wait wait stop the music you've been off the drugs a little bit yes so what does that mean what are you doing I've been sticking with weed a lot oh that's that's not we have no problem with weed here how many little key bumps of blow have you done in the past week I did a little uh nasal uh cocaine with water watery cocaine uh I did that and then I've also done Rich have you heard of this watery cocaine you should [ __ ] be a man and smoke crack almost I I did some watery cocaine shut the [ __ ] up I love it Hans you did it again we love you Adam anything else for Hans uh no I mean I mean you know the first Jew joke you know was um was a lot but then you doubled down and did like four more so I got respect for you why don't you do why don't you do one more Jew joke to end this set actually let me call my Rabbi real quick choose uh really great at uh following the rules but uh they're not really good at like um you know outside the rules that's where the blacks have the advantage ladies and gentlemen [Music] was Hans camp that was Hans Kim that was Hans man that was on stance your first bucket pull of the night ladies and gentlemen truly anything can happen here I mean it's crazy I don't think we've ever met this person before this could be a local legend that we've never heard of that's been trying to sign up for months could be somebody who got here in town today could be somebody that's been doing it 20 years could be somebody's first time you guys get it 60 seconds uninterrupted to Chandler Valencia ladies and gentlemen here we go Chandler Valencia 60 seconds of stand-up comedy and then an interview here he is how we doing yeah I'm doing great dude honestly like I'm in Austin because I'm in town for an audition I had this morning yeah found out a few minutes ago I have the rule yeah yeah I'll be playing the role of a cuckolded husband in the other room I'm not really sure what a cuck is but I can't wait to hold it you know what I'm saying like uh the craziest part is I just showed up like I didn't really audition you know they're like you're perfect kid I was like sick um I uh I'm dating a white girl right now and I think she's heard the stereotype that white people under season their food too much because uh now she over Seasons it you know I'm doing the damn cinnamon challenge with every bite um I actually have a superpower a lot of people don't know us about me uh yeah I can accurately guess any man's dick size just by the taste of their balls yeah yeah uh Food For Thought for you uh okay that's it exactly a minute Chandler Valencia fun times Chandler welcome welcome how long you been doing stand-up uh since September since September okay so almost a year yeah all right what do you do for work uh I work at a school I do it you work at a school yeah wow you look like you wouldn't be allowed near one this is incredible amazing your uh forehead is almost non-existent completely not with the hair no they have too long okay yeah when you do that it lasts for a second yeah and then it comes back and then during your set I noticed it was blocking your eyes in a very Hans Kim style of uh lack of vision it helps you know the lights are bright you know okay so you kind of use it as a hat sort of not not on purpose right yeah okay it's a Chandler what type of school are we talking about kids high school yeah all right so what's that like what's it like working around high schoolers nowadays in the year 2023 how's it different than when you went to high school uh there's way more technology like uh if a computer is not working none of the kids can do anything and it's a super weird I also went to the high school so all the kids at the school always like to find my yearbook photo uh and make fun of me for it right what sort of names do they call you what are some of the funniest names they've called you in the last like 48 hours for uh [Music] they hit you up on like DMS and stuff no they don't they don't know they ever say that you kind of look like a giant Shih Tzu puppy no no it was a prince for like four months when I first started Prince yeah why uh Valencia is like my last name and it's like a descendant of the Queen Victoria or something of Spain do they uh say you have the Charisma of a tumor I wish I was yeah look how tight your pants are yeah I could see it your nuts and a nickel good good I want my package to be up front you know I mean like yeah I want ladies know what they're working with you know what I'm saying do the ladies know what they're working with Jim ask them you know what's your love life like I would love to know what a guy that looks like you is doing in the game of puss dinner since December okay what does she do uh she works at a hotel what does she do at the hotel uh she's in the manager training program so right now okay um and where did you meet this girl at tender Tinder what'd you do for your first date where'd you meet what happened what went on breakfast on a Sunday breakfast on a Sunday do you remember where you had breakfast at no you guys had mushrooms didn't you for breakfast I wish did I wish do you do a lot of drugs I don't I don't we're not allowed to because of the school so I don't believe you yeah yeah do you have do you have a like a van a couch and a cast no thank you to one person so you meet her for breakfast then what happens uh we walked around the square up in Dallas and uh scheduled a second date you know that's pretty much it okay what happened the second date I don't got much raise if you're asking like if I [ __ ] on the first date I ain't got that you know what I mean okay well I'm not and now I'm asking about the second date second day man do you [ __ ] on the second date no I think it was the fourth date I wish you were walking on the grassy no [Music] you have any special skills or talents Chandler uh no not really no I'm uh nothing at all you've never won like a trophy or a competition your entire life I told you last time I was on that I was a a professional video game player before yeah I did win a few tournaments back then but in one game uh H1Z1 what'd you call me yeah H1Z1 I do believe it's big in China so right yeah it sounds like it sounds like one of the things that's made in China H1Z1 the flu if you know what I'm saying [Music] uh what anti-semitic joke do you have that is true let's let's load up the uh anti-Semitism music AKA Seinfeld Theme do you have any anti-Semitism jokes you could do I I don't think so let me ask you this what do you think about the Jews Rich Voss is Jewish by the way I mean if we had to I'm just kidding no no you do have to you do have to and yes maybe you're kidding I used to date this Jewish girl so what would you like people okay um aggressive sexually how so like like we would uh get into my apartment and she would just be like all right we're having sex even though my roommate's out in the like verbally say that even though my roommate's out in the front too much talking to him yeah you might have intercepted that uh yeah maybe maybe but if you could name one stereotype perhaps of any race um um why are you looking at yeah oh my God it's like we got every flavor up here really locked in on D Madness there D the guy was looking at you D's the blind one by the way I gave it away for those of you that were trying to get a workshop in this joke I've been Workshop in this joke this goes like uh you know white people tend to follow black people Trends and uh black people don't tip so I'm just not tipping because I want to be the leader you know [Music] Chandler congratulations he did he did he did have one like almost uh it felt like it could be your catchphrase you said at the end right before you got the meow you said so that's some food for thought yeah I feel like that could be your kind of way to kind of you know get out of you know either bombing a joke or having something be too offensive so would you mind doing one more pretty offensive joke and then just go yeah anyway I like that I like this idea by the way do you brag to the kids about making your own soup no okay but you do make your own soup dude don't you what you do make your own soup I don't know how to cook dude like I cannot cook worth [ __ ] dude I'm honest right this sounds racist keep going do the joke and then the Food For Thought thing if you don't mind yeah here we go um you have one more perhaps race I don't I don't really got another racist joke I don't think okay you're cooking a Jew okay okay what do you think it tastes like couscous all right wow that's food for thought you know I guess there he goes ladies and gentlemen Chandler did you get a little joke book last time you're on I got a big one okay well there you go good job Chandler Valencia everybody there he goes all right onward we go the show has started your next comedian out of the bucket we're gonna meet them all together make some noise for Mason James everyone here we go Mason James come on one more time for Mason everybody [Music] all right um I'm uh I'm uh I'm not not racist uh despite my face um live in Houston most diversity United States very good there we've got a lot diverse we've got a lot of Mexicans see Mexicans here tonight [Applause] there we go it's good you can always hear them that's good uh love Mexicans love you guys seriously uh probably my favorite race besides white for sure um love y'all I love the food I love the culture I love the tequila but can we fix desserts what's going on you finished a great meal it's okay with chicken soaking wet cake or habanero popsicle [Applause] I don't want to build a wall I'd like some new recipes okay people ask me like what's your immigration policy I'm like it looks a lot like the show Top Chef [Applause] wow James absolutely from the get had me laughing at the way that the band went a little long and you noticed you played off it had me laughing before you even said a word with a just a okay and it was good oh yeah Michael did go a couple beats long typical Mexicans they they don't know how to end their drums or their meals oh yeah call back to his dessert joke everybody but I don't know maybe you guys forgot that it was 45 seconds ago uh very funny Mason you've been doing stand-up for a little bit of time huh uh yeah a little over two years now very very Rock Solid Mason all of it in Houston uh yes is that where you're from born and raised uh Columbus it's a halfway over here between Houston and Columbus Texas yes sir that's halfway between here and Houston yeah yeah right yeah okay yep yeah you're from there wait a second check in with them guy from Brisbane Australia is Texas you've been driving a delivery truck she didn't know whether fruits and vegetables all right so let's talk about it Mason what do you do for work I work in the food service industry so we uh we do food service for like old folks homes and camps so oh wow a lot of people love old folks homes and camps okay a couple girls who started playing with themselves over that information oh I don't even know you're what what am I in trouble no we did uh open mics in Houston yeah and I went to I stop in uh oh I you gave me a ride yeah we were drunk yeah now he was should we get out of here Seinfeld Theme no no matter of fact I did a club and then we did the open mic after at that place you were he was [ __ ] funny although you do look like a baby bird with cancer but he was [ __ ] funny when we did the open mic yeah yeah I can't believe I didn't remember you baby because I'm a big [ __ ] act uh foreign [Applause] [Music] that's amazing that was really sweet your face lit up that was really yeah it was I can't believe how long it took you to notice that one of the people here you knew I'm I'm uh yeah I'm I'm pretty I was pretty still pretty nervous at the moment yeah right I try to eat uh I try to eat a beta blocker on the way here they do not taste good raw um so I had to spit it out and the guys were being mean to me back there so I was this whole thing it was the whole thing how were they being I was like I'm still talking and I was just like all right all right I'll get up there how old are you you could be 45 or 12. I'm not exactly sure you have a very interesting look you have a baby face and an adult body and this is this [ __ ] guy is going to light a fuse or something like that the [ __ ] Mexicans are going outside to wait for you yeah I love stand straight [ __ ] up on this show meanwhile a Mexican ducking that's three foot seven walking by and that was absolutely incredible try to duck next time he's Saudi Arabian I know it means Saudi Arabian he is sometimes he wears a cowboy hat and I call him uh I call him uh I [ __ ] forget Keith turbin that's right thank you Yoni Yoni with the assist Keith Turban because he's okay uh dude do you get a lot of material from the old folks home uh no not really no I don't exactly do do there do you walk it you like we do so we do all the food we do like uh do we staff it uh we do all the menu planning the hire people so a bunch of bad chefs right because I mean it's old people you don't have to yeah they're not they're they don't like food and they don't like politics what kind of camps are we talking about concentration camps perhaps no a lot of Christian camps a lot of Christian camps any Christian all right is that what you do you do tallies of who's any Mexicans any Christians anyway you know what you know what's weird we just uh put my dad in a rest home well not actually we didn't have the money so we drove down the turnpike and put them in a rest area there we go [Music] you put your dad in a home and uh your great-grandparents were put in a camp so he covers both of those well that's food for thought he's Jewish it's Jewish I have to remind you he's Jewish he's laughing at my Jewish joke so you can't cancel me I can't have a Roseanne Bar happen where uh someone takes something out of context and my career gets better again no you're you're not you're not Roseanne Barr I'd [ __ ] you you'd be surprised bro you'd be surprised she's [ __ ] hottie patati she's a [ __ ] Texas Mountain cougar right now I'm serious when's the last time you saw her in person she has gotten hotter over the years duck down you [ __ ] loser Jesus Christ you want to sit in the front row have some [ __ ] decorum are you protecting Queen Cersei right now [ __ ] Jesus [ __ ] Christ ever since you started dressing like Tony Soprano you really stop giving a [ __ ] Jesus [ __ ] hey what Tony means is thanks for coming out yeah thanks a lot don't know how yo he's raising his hand like a very very good white man um it's a very racial episode we might have to drop this one on Twitter [Laughter] okay you're raising your hand go ahead I'm very excited no I was just gonna say maybe we could bring it um start talking about me again yeah oh absolutely absolutely wow [Applause] somebody's beta blocker just kicked in I'm over here wow I like your style Mason you're a [ __ ] funny guy only been doing it two years you're very present you're very funny you're in the moment thank you what else should we know about you before we let you go um I uh okay so you asked my age it's uh it's not great I'm I'm 26 years old no [ __ ] way oh no way [ __ ] the place is in a Ruckus right now oh for those of you just watching the show who would have said anything less than 42. you you got that disease that makes you grow old fast yeah I think we know what it is you dumb [ __ ] she's a Strife they do mean buttons shut the [ __ ] up I bet she stands straight up too and she does what Tony means to say is that's a great answer and a great movie thanks for coming out we also would have accepted Jack with Robin Williams so thank you thanks for coming out year 20 what I couldn't even believe when you said the word what if you see you've seen where your parents brutally murdered in front of you oh how do you why do you look like that were you in the military no no you weren't you didn't fight in a war in the desert It's been a like I've seen old people refuse applesauce too many times yeah is that it is that from hanging out at nursing homes too long I don't know by the way you could just give those people hellofresh.com use the code kill Tony 50 to say 50 percent [Applause] here we go they are great um no I don't know why it happened to me um the fact that you have uh no pigment do you come from a long a long line of scallops ah God you do look like a scout definitely I mean it is I've been trying to think of what the [ __ ] he looks like it is unbelievable if scallops [ __ ] mashed potatoes it is incredible now that's Food For Thought rich oh my God what he's saying is that he's really happy you came out tonight this is incredible I want to get to the bottom of this why do you look like this uh I don't know I think I just kind of mature you look the same age as rich fast can you guess how old rich is I celebrated his birthday with him this week anyone want to take a guess of what Rich was it's [ __ ] unbelievable 54. it's a good guess many of the jet Rodriguez said 64. you want to tell these people how old you are you might well now I really have no chance of getting [ __ ] tonight go ahead I don't care 60 66. wow you're crushing it crushing it dude crushing it 66 and he looks the same age as you he's got 40 years on you am I doing the math right no no not even closer 26 yeah it's about 40. yeah wait what you said 14. no I didn't I said 40. okay if it sounded like 14 I said 40 I'm sorry I definitely said foreign he would not defend me if I was wrong it's 40. uh you seem like an easy going guy are you stressed yo I'm very stressed relationship stuff no no I'm uh I'm uh married to a lady so that's fun does she treat you well she's the best she's awesome she's so that we I'm we're I'm gonna be a dad I'm having a date oh wow wow he's gonna he's gonna give birth to a 35 year old boy dude I like your style Mason I mean you are a very very he lives in Houston but uh I mean you want to tell him that if you want to next week I do the Secret Show at Sunset Strip you're you can if you want I'd love to there you go here's the big joke bug Mason James everybody the kill Tony debut of Mason James we're in it tonight people that's a [ __ ] good little bucket pool yeah you pull another name right now is one of those moments that we've been looking forward to for quite a while because we have a new regular on this show ladies and gentlemen I don't know how many of you have been keeping up you guys up to date on your episodes [Applause] we have a new regular on this show that uh we find to be [ __ ] absolutely one of the most promising little monsters that we've ever discovered here this is a brand new minute from your new regular make some goddamn noise for the one and only cam Patterson everybody [Applause] foreign [Applause] [ __ ] could have been a good dunk a one that Rider caused some real thugs and the car got shot up and that's when I realized that I was a [ __ ] because I was the only one crying and they were like they were mad like [ __ ] why are you crying they shooting at us what do you mean the worst thing about them if you notice not certain people shoot at you they spin back did you know that they always come back when they shoot at you so they would shoot us and it was coming back and I took my shirt off and I'm like hey [ __ ] we surrender we quit leave us alone you know all my home was was like hey [ __ ] we need to retaliate now like that's the wrong word me Cameron Patterson I would like to retire [Applause] d boom boom boom wow oh my goodness Unstoppable Force cam Patterson cam with a K my goodness welcome back you did it again my man absolutely killing this is your first time seeing cam Patterson right gentlemen you're so like well and so my daughter oldest daughter married this uh black dude uh so I heard through the family uh but he's more light-skinned but you know yeah he was one that was shooting at you Adam Ray this is the new one what's that white man what's up man what's up what'd you call me white man white man nice I like that [ __ ] yeah yeah uh I like you [ __ ] you're a good dude thanks brother your mommy like my stepfather when I get a girlfriend thank you [Applause] I like it you real wholesome guy I appreciate it man uh you look like your first word words were FUBU Gaga oh I want a good one cam Patterson you're hilarious you're very yeah uh rich said you're very likable how long have you been doing it two years yeah where'd you start Orlando [ __ ] yeah yeah what broad shed here oh [ __ ] everything that was going on I was like man you take my ass out there well you know not go like this I don't oh I'm not you don't have to call me your boss this isn't that you're you're not in the Florida plantations anymore I like I'm excited yeah wow damn he hired his own replacement I love it brilliant [Applause] my goodness keep bringing them out Uncle laser I know you're watching this from far away wow that's incredible amazing Uncle laser did something to benefit the show it's a historical moment I never would have guessed that where how did he find you he did he was doing a show in Tampa and they called me to they called me to bury him yeah is is Uncle laser one of those white dudes that can say the n-word and you don't get mad or no no no no no no not at all all right I love it just he asked me to ask so geez you want to say John D said no D Madness said no uh he's not gonna say it he's not watching the game uh what were you doing in Orlando yeah did you have a job I went at Publix I wear I was a golf I was a y'all know what I was wait say it where were you I was a stock [ __ ] I did like stocking showers the grocery guy oh I did that too yeah for real yeah yeah yeah let's go with stepson you're going to be part of a drive-by later Adam congratulations welcome to the club baby yeah uh Adam Ray you can catch him in a drive-by shooting later or the Barbie movie right now he's also in the Barbie movie yeah nice plug yeah two good credits for you catch him in a Barbie movie or a drive oh [ __ ] Cam that isn't I just love the I find out more and more I find out a lot about you in our drinking sessions at night at mitzi's after some of the shifts here uh it is incredible to think that you were part of so many you told me uh last week that you used to have a gun on you sometimes on stage on him at all times why because I was a street [ __ ] but I was a [ __ ] I just explained to you told you come on step dad listen up oh man I had a pistol but I didn't want to use it they want to utilize the my advantages I want you know what I'm saying but I had one yeah I bet you it was legal too huh oh hell no I know I mean I'm I hope I hope you don't ever get in trouble I hope no one ever watches kill Tony is like that guy once tried to kill me no no I'm sure there's like a thousand police sketches out there that look just like you right now I don't miss Tony ah you're right you don't and you also don't on this show Red Band Tony we we found out something about him at the 10 year that you always carry rocks do you have a rock on you right now they got him right here I'm a proud dad my son always has rocks what is this and I got this one I got another one this one like more courses [ __ ] one touch it welcome that's the first time this guy's ever been called the n-word for sure that is amazing wow where are you from Sir amazing what part what part of Florida Tiger Tiger Woods is the only black guy that lives in Jupiter am I right 100 thank you the rocks that you sell oh yeah those are back those are for backstage Rich be quiet hahaha cam you're a [ __ ] star week after week after week it is unbelievable we love you you came through again you did it again make some [ __ ] noise for cam Patterson everybody that's the future and he has arrived cam Patterson we're gonna keep it moving ah I Wanna Rock With You your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Joe botelho everybody Joe botelho top back to follow cam is not easy to follow guys thank you one more time for Joe everybody thank you so much thank you I'm so glad I can't see you uh I'm Joe Patel I'm from Canada I'm not a big fan of Drake uh not because he's black but it doesn't help doesn't really help that much but uh I love porn I don't I hate this like you hate porn now we have to stop whacking off dude I whacked off back in the Golden Age of whacking off I had to find my dad's porn like half the time you find a gun or you find your mom's dirty panties like so now when you found the porn and you put the porn in you have to remember what scene it was in so your dad wouldn't know you found his porn and he'd move the porn stash but the worst part of doing that is like when I rewound it and went forward I never had to go past that part because I stopped at the same part my dad stop like we came same time so now I can only come remembering my dad coming that's pretty much so that's why I raised my history so my son doesn't come to the same thing that I come to which is videos of my dad coming that's a long minute talking with my dads come thank you thank you thank you longer for us than it was for you my friends Joe botelho welcome to the show if you've been on here before never first time in America oh wow where are you visiting from uh outside of Toronto Hamilton okay and that's the type of shirt you think is acceptable here actually my my one of my best friends is also comic on the show we're wearing the same shirt today he had his shirt with meatloaf but he ate it Joe Joe you look like the guy that got me too at both grocery stores Cam and I worked at why are you wearing that what made you go with that is that to be silly and funny no it's just I what happened was I I we were wearing the shirts at Target and with cool store I like Target and uh and we were wearing a and a girl walked by and go that's really nice and so we bought the shirts that stuff a random girl random girl not my wife so she thinks I'm hot I thought that was cool wait the girl thought you were hot well she thought the shirt was nice that's kind of like the same no like girls did they compliment you if they go like this that means they want to [ __ ] don't touch anybody don't touch anything see the Red X Stand Up sorry sorry when you put that shirt on this morning and only had two bananas on it was so hot that I'm on my third shower today this [ __ ] heat is hot wow shower it is a hot heat that you are not in Canada any longer uh what do you do for working I'm a roofer you're a roofer in Canada yeah oh boy like industrial not houses I'm too big for right so okay have you tried houses I just didn't work out for you I didn't even I didn't even roof my own house my wife didn't let me okay she didn't want you to she just knows I'm too fat I think right and you're shaped like a ball is she big she's oh yeah she's big yeah how big is she guess her way she's like you're dressed like a circus freak guess or wait probably like I does she also wear like food clothes yeah that's a question yeah it's a good question no she doesn't like uh yeah no she's like probably like 50 pounds less than me yeah but it's like mostly titty did you say yo shout out to my wife Laura I love you wait did you say she's mostly titty she's it's mostly titty fat yeah wow that's definitely got to be the name of your special dude if you ever do it mostly titties my kids are fat too wait you brought your wife you brought your wife here no no no I'm on vacation no no no no my wife's at home yeah my wife's from Canada is she cool what part [ __ ] her oh cool that's where my friends from yeah your friend oh yeah oh Frank no my black friend my your what friend my black friend your black friend is wearing the same shirt as you yeah your black friend is wearing a shirt with bananas well it's not it's not racist in Canada we don't have racism we're the Underground Railroad oh really tell that to the indigenous people I'm married to a native I'm married to a Native American prove it prove it put your ear to the ground and tell me if he's coming here [Music] I don't know all right relax relax so you're mayor you're amazing to uh obese native why didn't marry her a beast she was like really like sexy yeah wow yeah damn this is like at the Lando Lakes lady got high on our own Supply you know what I mean I was fat always though what was your guys's go-to snack like when you were uh yeah what made you guys this way probably chips Pringles are really good meatloaf milkshakes meatloaf milkshakes the worst potatoes yeah yeah Canadians love drinks I just hope I don't get too fat to put my hand in the can I think you already have really wow what do you do for fun uh John botelho Joe Botello um yeah sure whatever Banana Joe I don't know I uh I have a special needs daughter I love her very much oh okay that's something to work with yeah was she the girl that told you that shirt's nice what kind of special needs are we talking about she is she's Canadian she's one yep and David half native okay but what's their special needs uh she's autistic and has epilepsy and some other stuff I can't pronounce oh yeah [ __ ] party time what was that for I think epilepsy okay epilepsy epilepsy okay so like what happens uh which part like what autism explain like when the epilepsy goes oh it's that brutal yeah so she'll just like the easy ones like she just like looks up in the air and then turns to the side and just passes out the other one is like you got clear like kick tables out and everything and make sure she doesn't hurt herself sorry that's not funny but no it's okay that's what my wife does when we have sex but yeah it's pretty brutal the the two I have an older son stopped at the autistic one yeah he's autistic no just really he's really Portuguese he's really Portuguese yeah he's very fortunate what does that mean exactly it's like it's like Canadian Mexican I think it's yeah but I mean what what yeah like we work really hard we tend we like eating and [ __ ] fat girls how old how old's your son he's he's 19. 19. what does he do uh right now just uh helps us watch our daughter he's amazing he's a great big brother okay he's awesome that's good how old's the daughter uh she's gonna be 16 in December okay what are you gonna do when she turns 18. you're gonna well she's gonna stay with yeah she'll stay with us forever yeah oh okay you're not gonna kick her out of the house no no okay she might kick you out of the house if she yeah she might eat eat the house what I don't know I was just trying to play on the fat thing sir oh yeah apologize wow you seem proud about all this well yeah you're like I'm very happy I'm able to provide and feed my family way too much carbohydrates oh [ __ ] look at this [ __ ] train of ugly people coming back means is uh hope you guys everything went okay in the bathroom and uh and uh thanks for coming out uh is there like would your daughter ever go on like The Biggest Loser epilepsy Edition oh I yeah do they have that they don't have that no they just have different cages around the city different cages yeah just to lock them in yeah is that true that's Justin Trudeau it's [ __ ] yeah is it really yeah epileptic section well then they'll crush the stuff so they don't want them to hurt people wait wait wait wait wait are you being funny because we don't know because Canada is [ __ ] crazy of course you would believe me no there's no cages for the kids yeah okay are they pushing any weird uh have they pushed any weird uh educational things on your kids that you've noticed no not I mean they don't really teach the autistic one much but uh they just kind of change it you call her that by the way yeah champ Chief I call it Chief because she's part native so right yeah okay it's not racist but yeah after she has like a seizure you ever tried spanking her like like you have to clean up like poo and pee usually yeah ah yeah red band you piece of [ __ ] yeah there you go how dare you yeah go back to epilepsy's real funny yeah how dare you insult a fellow Pringle lover Joe fun times my friend you're walking out of here with a small joke book you earned it there you go congratulations you're getting a gel Blaster as well gel Blaster available in stores everywhere make sure your kids don't play with it Joe all right I pre-polled another name here we go make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket it's Ridge Hershberger everybody Ridge Hershberger are you guys having fun out there oh [ __ ] Make some noise for Ridge Hershberger everyone [Music] howdy y'all hi baby the most Texan person you see tonight a little about myself I'm from Pennsylvania I I grew up on a farm and it was awesome man me and my brother we'd make up our own Adventures like we made a a diving board in our pond we made uh we made boats out of 55 gallon drums we made love the thing about farming is our entire livelihood depends on something we can't control the Jews the Jews control the weather I'm reading about the Jews reading Minecon kidding it's the Bible actually I'm listening to the old version because I'm still trying to learn how to read and and it's the King James version so it's narrated by LeBron James Ridge Hershberger with a fantastic set very fun you've been on this show before correct correct yeah and it was a couple years ago right years ago three years ago I remember you yep and I have I mean that is just an incredible amount of growth that we're seeing there this set obviously went a lot better than the last set am I correct yeah yeah I just started then yeah right and here you are three years into the game working beats owning your own style talking about yourself I loved the Texas Pennsylvania start you flowed the whole way through it's incredible to see thank you thank you with the with the last name like hershberg how can you say anything anti-jewish I mean we will foreclose on your parents my questions do you think I should lean into that I don't know you look a lot different now man like since last time so good good good thank you you look you look 20 years younger than a 26 year old that was up here earlier uh uh Red Band reminded me of something were you the one that got the lap dance at the Paramount Theater was that you yeah I did yeah hell yeah yeah look at that how's life gone for you in the love department since then that's all right that girl I actually I I we talked a little bit and I asked to go to the zoo okay all right go on you see a bunch of Canadians wearing banana shirts there and uh she said uh she had a photo shoot yeah right that's the guy that [ __ ] her by the way uh how are you doing uh in Austin in the uh dating scene now post a photo shoot girl uh yeah it's fine uh let's see um what time when's the last time you got to take off those overalls three three four weeks ago okay tell us about that what happens where a guy like Rich Hershberger unstraps those two chest straps did you wear underwear underneath those sometimes wow look at that incredible or maybe he keeps them on and just to hold them I don't know what right you know I want to do that oh my move my move is hey I want to get laid so I'm gonna go get drunk uh you know I this sounds bad huh and then you just know so I guess if the zoo doesn't work out what's like Plan B I don't I like going two stepping go two stepping I was playing C take her to the farm your farm yeah yeah you still have a farm you're family my family has a farm yeah yeah I was just Sarah yeah where uh Pennsylvania what do they raise uh we have dairy cows 300 dairy cows yeah that's that's a hard job not for me oh I'm a headline are you giving out loans am I giving out loans yeah we're actually looking to buy a farm yeah I'm giving out loans I'm also giving out hair conditioner wait is that about my hair no you [ __ ] idiot of course it is uh you want him on your side he controls the weather it's a 300 cows out there uh what but let's go back to your love life here three weeks ago what do you do you go to a bar yeah go to a comedy club hangout and then you go up to a girl what do you say what's your opening line here let's yeah I love this here we go here's a little uh Shakespearean art I got a little like soft jazzy music guys just a little yeah there you go we're out we are out we're at a comedy club Adam Ray is a girl hi uh Tony said I could have another Roman diet thank you so much hey hey what's up you want me to pay for that I'm sorry what you want me to pay for this God don't [ __ ] yell at me Jesus um yeah that'd be great usually they come after me so I so you usually sorry no no no all right hold on hold on hold on do you have any money yeah lots uh how much I don't know anyways okay and scene we're not very good at this that's okay um okay well my love life right now there's a girl here and she's a ridge Hershberger doesn't have the acting chops that we thought he might yeah so tell us what happened three weeks ago uh we're getting drinks and we got we went two stepping and then we went back to her place because you don't have a place I do I have a place I live with a people uh he's one of those guys that lives with like 42 other Comics is that true no I don't know what's your living situation I live with a gay couple and then another guy and older guys they're like 50 and over yeah you live with a gay couple and another guy yeah do you think the gay couple says that they live with a gay couple hahaha wait dude a gay couple think two-stepping is gay I haven't talked to them about it they think it's cool they like it no they don't they think you don't think gay people go to seven no no they're more of a Tango type take it from me I would know show us a little two-step yeah let's see it can we play some two-step music [Music] oh my God I think he just tied somebody up oh [ __ ] that was the girl being like okay I'm not having fun anymore what are you doing all right all right come on it's cool I live with a couple of gay guys come on over all right Rich so you go back to this girl's house then what happens then we take I take my boots off oh my god oh wow we're actually going step by step here that is indeed step two for the Two Step Up let me get her bed ah and then we what about the overalls we all want to know about the trademark overalls when did those come up listen to all these horny women out here it is unbelievable I guess we're all wondering like what what's farmer foreplay you know what I'm saying yeah you play with it you play with the routers a little bit you ride you're right around the tractor and it gets a little bouncy you know I get something excited oh you're serious yeah yeah the farmer forefoot a little this uh gosh gosh what was it what was that milk in a cow okay let's talk real life Rich what happens you go there you take off your boots and then what hang up my boots and then you get in the bed and then you you have sex no no no no that's not the order of event search your overalls are still on it yeah you take your own I don't think so it goes I guess it would go boots and then a hat okay then what good overalls and then what sure you still have your and then you hope it's erect by then you still have your socks on oh no I forgot you son of a [ __ ] isn't that supposed to make you last longer or something I don't know is it I would I've always asked people for special sexual uh tips or Maneuvers that if I if you keeping your socks on makes you last longer I'm interested is that a thing that you've heard before yeah is that something you learned out on the farm yeah yeah I heard it from someone which I'm sorry at what point do you tag in your roommates [Laughter] uh right at the beginning nice yeah Ridge back when you did the show did were we even giving out joke bucks no no well guess what my friend you're walking away with a big one here too yeah and Rich I'd love to have you on next week's Secret show if you want next week's secret so there you go you got bugs Rich Hershberger everybody all right we're gonna keep it moving along this is definitely a new name because I would know if I had seen this name before Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket we're gonna meet them all together it's Tony wellins everybody Tony wellins there he goes a new Tony on kill Tony here he is Tony wellins everyone Make some noise for Tony these people wait all day for this uh me and my girlfriend uh recently broke up I was sad that was uh she was a squirter I uh yeah I had no idea that's just what another guy told me and uh psych [ __ ] I'll be making that [ __ ] pop drop and roll my God I Wanna Be black so bad I uh no I'm just kidding I do have a black brother-in-law so uh basically what I'm saying is uh my sister is fat and um foreign new people uh new experiences like hooked up with a girl had nipple piercings that was fun that was interesting like I never had that before sucking on nipple piercing it tastes like I was sucking on the end like a double A battery she was like are you turned on like I'm [ __ ] charged up that's for sure I was like you could jump start a car with these things bro God damn power a small Vietnamese City with these but uh goddamn nickel nips over here [ __ ] generator jugs all right no I hate to I hate to degrade her and just think of her as uh body parts but uh nipples was a really cool girl and uh my sisters love to tell me that joke is misogynistic and I really hate that because I don't like it when they voice their opinions um what a great set Tony wellins an unbelievable 60 seconds welcome Tony this is your first time on the show correct Tony yeah it's the first time how long you been doing stand-up uh about four years where are you from Orlando you still live in Orlando no I just moved here like two three days ago amazing you know who cam Patterson is that's my cousin ah here's the reason I'm here really dude he called yeah he was yeah tell us about it we love Camp Patterson remember this rock he has a [ __ ] he has a new rock every time I see him now I don't know when he [ __ ] picked up that habit by the way but like that's pretty cool it's cool tell us about how cam what did Cam tell you you were about to say something there no he just was uh he just called me all the times like dude need to get your ass here you need to come here all it's the first when he first got here he he hated it he was like this sucks it's terrible but then like three days later he's like we need to move here it's [ __ ] isn't the greatest yeah it took him three days to make it that's what happened like nothing's happening this place sucks there's comedians everywhere it was crazy yeah it was just like obviously now he's the [ __ ] He's Timothy bro he's oh he's the guy yeah he is he is the future you're very funny yourself so four years in the game in Orlando you just moved here days ago yeah yeah how many days ago uh like Friday so you basically also made it in three days here you're here right now on the biggest show in the city yeah I guess unbelievable the odds are being pulled out of the bucket near one in 200 and here yeah it was [ __ ] crazy I was walking over to Creek and uh with my boy to sign up the over mic and I he popped out and I was like Tony Wells he's like yeah and I was like holy [ __ ] I dude I [ __ ] I manifested it too I was like this one we believe in that [ __ ] around here absolutely so Tony what do you do for a living in Orlando uh I used to hang uh like window coverings like blinds and [ __ ] okay hang blinds be careful d-madness oh that's [ __ ] brilliant I'm trying to get I'm trying to get Joe Rogan to invest in uh in wires so that when I make a good joke I float up in the air like oh my God that's a solid I haven't asked him yet it's been a week but I'm going to be down I'm going to ask Joe shout out into your Specialties [ __ ] you and tear especially they fired me but honestly I'm glad that what the hell whoa wow you just went back to the questions real quick huh oh sorry I just wanted to say that I was talking about my pure Specialties okay all right sorry wow okay are you really have you been holding on to the anger you're talking about the blind hanging company yeah yeah yeah why'd they fire you um I don't I just missed the day or just no that can't be it what'd you do I swear to God I just missed a day they didn't turn a blind eye to that thank you family reunion no you're good people [ __ ] whatever you had two really really funny jokes thank you but can you two-step can I two-step no that they're fat girl jokes oh [ __ ] oh hey oh he is Camp Patterson's cousin hahaha wow I don't know I don't know what a two-step is it's all it's pretty close yeah fresh off the boat throw up the gang signs yeah yeah absolutely what do you do for fun Tony wellins uh I shoot like man of the street videos I like to work out and that's really just comedy that's about it like what do you do on your man on this street videos I get up in like uh funny characters and [ __ ] I do like a I kind of have like a character that's like a black guy who like hits on women wait wait wait let improv Redemption yeah can I play the girl in the scene again absolutely here we go we'll show um what's the what's the scene uh jazz club you're a black guy I'm a girl is that what it is yes yeah uh jazz club let's let's yeah let's run it back all right here we go jazz club little light music not too loud so that we can hear the actors here we are hey um another Ramen diet Red Band said I can put it what's going on shorty hey can I holler at you for a second oh great another black guy Hey listen yeah what's up I just want to Tyrone what's your name I'm looking at you I'm gonna call you McDonald's because I'm looking at you and I'm loving it [ __ ] okay Hey listen listen listen [ __ ] okay good and scene wow that was incredible great job wow great job straight to an aggressive unlubricated hand job I mean that is that oh you saw that huh that's something my space work is bad how long have you been doing black voice for just I was like 12. wow all right see I don't dude I grew up in the suburbs bro every every white kid in the suburbs wants to be black so it's like a kind of like a fun thing I like joke around but it's like we all they are really they listen to rap music they all want to be they think they're black if they listen to rap music why they don't want to work why do you keep on washing your hands I don't know why I keep doing that sorry it's just a keep on watching invisible that's something you said that's a black people [ __ ] what else about you what what are some other oh [ __ ] d-madness releasing the ash it makes that look like when LeBron looked like LeBron James before a game I'm kidding D your hands are well moisturized he's not laughing I know I know God damn right we love you D have you performed in Florida since you moved out here yeah a bunch wait no since I moved out here yeah I moved out here like two days ago all right [ __ ] I'm just trying to make small talk sorry you should do black man voice back oh hell no [ __ ] don't ever [ __ ] talk to me again [ __ ] wow cam um uh wait so what have you got but seriously okay so two days ago but where did you have do you have a home Club in Florida you said you started in Orlando right yeah shout out Memphis or comedy uh me and Camera are always up at that spot or like the only known problems spots there too did you get the host or featured on there at all yeah um I hosted maybe about like three they they don't really show as much love as I want to for some of the homecoming well now you're here let's talk about your living situation what is it like oh here yeah it's disgusting how disgusting how many gay couples do you live with no no gay couples but I live with i two Asians have you had to meet them no comments I don't even know I brought the Asian [ __ ] in there they just the race shouldn't have anything to do with it it's just uh I got off Facebook yeah totally no we don't see anything you got them off Facebook Marketplace no the place I got the place off of Facebook Marketplace and so wait it's hold on what kind of what kind of Asians first of all I've yet to meet them wait but I know just by talking on the phone to their Asian can you do you know oh yeah you have to do the voice oh no wait wait wait sorry sorry so you don't need to do that you don't need to do that sorry sorry as soon as I thought I was like don't say that but then here's the deal if you think you can do black voice that means you can do Asian voice So Adam you be him calling Facebook Marketplace can we get a little bit of a Asian music hold on a second can I get a little I've never requested this before before we start the scene just a little bit of D's perhaps you can cook something up there all right red bands can you give me a phone uh hold on Deez is gonna get it let the professional musician all right Tony right we're no longer in a jazz club you're Tony wellins calling Facebook Marketplace you have a do you have a phone ringing thing uh sound effect here you got that I know we got that man these Asian [ __ ] got so many numbers I'm Tony Wellington hello whoa whoa whoa whoa [ __ ] this sounds like a White Guy pretend to be an Asian guy who be this would you like uh the room for 580 a month that got Irish wow turned into Dracula there at the end 580 a month hey [ __ ] you I tried my best I tried my best I will sucker your soy sauce start it up you you came in hot with the hero I know but that's you went full tree went full Hotel Transylvania after that I know you say hello then you say goodbye we have amazing penne Curry [Laughter] I mean one Curry two Curry three Curry how many room do you want all right so um how have you not seen them yet if you live with them are they perhaps wearing ninja suits on the ceiling I no so I I got I did meet one that I thought moved out but he he lives in like someone's living in the living room and then there's somebody living in the other room wait do you live with Hans Kim yeah yeah are you sure they're not hiding behind like bushes or something in the house dude no they're every time I go in there there's nobody there but I'll I can hear them I've yet to come like at night I'll hear them talking and you know however how they what are they saying what does it sound like what does it sound like what does it sound like through the walls through the walls come on okay ready I'll be you thinking I'll be your inner monologue and you be them talking ready yep here we go man what the [ __ ] are these Asians talking about right now I'm just trying to be Tony Wellington in my apartment let me put my ear to the wall real quick that's full anime that was pretty good right that was pretty good that was okay Tony I gotta tell you man three days in Austin Texas you just [ __ ] did it dude uh very funny very present uh red band's gonna book you I would love to have you next week at the secret show at Sunset please please hold on peace out hold on hold on go back there Adam Ray and you know uh I'm gonna be at the uh Dania improv in two weeks you want to come future for me I'll fly out [ __ ] yes yeah let's go back wow that's huge that's amazing hold on hold on stay right there ladies and gentlemen Rich boss and we just bought a new house you want to help me move next week hey yo suck my dick [ __ ] Tony here's a big joke bug hit me up on this here he goes the kill Tony debut of Tony wellins ladies and gentlemen Make some noise for him everybody Tony underscore well ends and let me tell you something opening for a uh a real headliner on the road those are going to be amazing sold out shows at the Dania Beach Improv when is that July 14th through the 16th July 14th through the 16th is a really big deal Adam every time he's on this show gives away amazing gifts and stuff to his favorite comedians how about a [ __ ] hand for Adam Ray it's amazing I love the show put a guy up in a hotel yeah that was sleeping in his car last time I think he still has the job too right yeah he's got a job right next door yeah here's the one caveat that Tony doesn't know I'm gonna make him do his entire set in an Asian accent yeah we'll be right back well I probably won't we are uh we are deep into this episode and we've not had a female comedian up tonight so what I did I went through the bucket and it took me a while this is a heavily very very real sausage stew in this bucket tonight but I was able to find a female comedian hopefully this is a female comedian we're gonna we're gonna fingers crossed here Make some noise for Ellie in space everybody here you go Ellie in space balancing the scales of equality all right Ellie in space wow great set are you son of a [ __ ] I tell these guys there's one [ __ ] rule [ __ ] you can't help yourself guys complete reset one more time Make Some Noise play a couple notes this is Ellie in space everybody hey guys so I hate the phrase break a leg I moved here a few months ago and I did exactly that I actually broke my femur had to have surgery and put a rod in my leg and then my felon uh boyfriend dumped me he said that he'd never date a disabled girl but you know who would the internet I put photos of me in a walker and people were simping left and right I had no idea that my rod could give you a rod in your pants um but yeah we we broke up and you know I had a handicap too with him I didn't mind that he was a felon but he had a tattoo of his ex's face on his stomach so every time we [ __ ] it was like a threesome I didn't want to be in anyway I hope he's not watching this but I do hope that I've broken a leg here on kill Tony I'm hearing you to stand up I should say there you go Ellie in space everybody wow this is like if Woody gave guys Woodies this is incredible I love it Ellie in space how long you been doing stand-up this is like my 10th time tenth time ever where all of these other times in Austin um most of them yeah I moved here February Portland yeah you're used to be in the news industry for seven or eight years wait what how did you know this right there I know this okay stop being [ __ ] creepy and answer the question Jesus Oh I'm a G I'm a psychic genius you know I saw a video that of you uh that you interviewed people how did you see this video read it was like a Reddit thing I think is this true Reddit like I was on YouTubers is he B is he correct I'm a full-time YouTuber now I quit my job in TV news to be a full-time YouTuber how do you find just random stupid [ __ ] like that when you have so much work that you wait Sunday afternoon to do toilet in the iPhone man this guy Waits until Monday morning to edit kiltoni episodes meanwhile he's looking at dumbass videos of Ellie in space I love it I guess I have reach on the Internet it's working well you were in the morning news more of the late night news so the really depressing [ __ ] yeah like how did you know that part it's I saw a video of her and she how many videos did you see just one and She interviewed people trying to go up on kill Tony oh hell yeah and then I was like who is this girl and I went on her Instagram and it shows that she used to be in the news and I just happened to look at it like last night when I was on the toilet it's a smell well that must have been a Long View yeah well [ __ ] we sit out there for hours we gotta do something how long have you been signing up for the show this is my this is my third time's a charm this is literally my third week in a row and I almost fainted when I got picked incredible do you have epilepsy [Laughter] or from earlier why do you call yourself Ellie and Ace did you say I look familiar oh no and I also said 40 earlier not 14. so I actually moved here because did I make fun of you in the little room yes you were like and I and I said and I said look at that cowboy hat I bet you just moved here and you did and you were and the crowd went wild yeah and then I just kept killing before and after that you killed yeah all right so guy really break up with you the guy that you were with her with yeah now he's trying to get back with me they always come back whoa wait a second okay so how long ago did he break up with you uh the day after my birthday not all of us have stalked you like red band can you tell us when your birthday was Red Band should I ask you March 25th okay I only looked at one video I swear that [ __ ] creepazoid dude you wrecked in the Portland news for seven years it wasn't actually a broken leg it was a torn fibio I'm sorry you got a bad cowboy hat from Allen's on Congress on June 3rd I'll show you where she sleeps tonight at 11. can you uh you just got new throw pillows for your red mattress March 24th so March 24th did I just guess that well no I didn't can you close Ben Downey touch your shoes again Rich no stop Jesus Christ I'm in a creep sandwich made with creepy bread right now were you two [ __ ] relax Jesus [ __ ] Christ how's your credit red bands like Rich if you want to see a Bend Over Look at video number 38 on her YouTube channel I have great credit you guys are surgery was less than four months ago guys this is kind of Hardcore oh yeah that's pretty cool can I ask how the guy is trying to get you back like what are the lines he's uh throwing at you or just a lot of cars ran because I was falling in love with you babe wow wow you're in the hospital I whispered I was falling in love with you you still [ __ ] left why did he what did how did he break up with you that's the best the day after my birthday but I mean how did he say it okay he gave me a damn pedicure and the day after he came over and he's like I just I want to be more selfish with my time I can't do this anymore that's Austin Texas for you he found a little hoe then he got [ __ ] an STD and now he's crawling back that's what happened no are those gummy bear red red band shut the [ __ ] up [ __ ] disgusting [ __ ] idiot it's a comedy show you [ __ ] [ __ ] anyway so when the guy he did after he broke up with you how do I know what how do you know he didn't hook up with some random Austin hoe and get an STD and then come crawling I don't should we call him [Applause] we have a phone unlocker handy right now are you guys chanting Jerry right now this [ __ ] place is crazy did the Australians start this chant dude when you say dude hold on Ellie in Space over here when you say dude why do you look so concerned right now oh well what is this do you have your phone on you no we have it in the back can you bring it up oh we got it right here we go yes we are want to talk about my Channel or something no not at all not for a [ __ ] second no one wants to talk about your channel that has one view that keeps coming from Pflugerville I I I used to VPN it's from Germany Red Band phones rings [Music] so does Red Band call it hold on let's let's explain the rules here a little bit let's just let's just take a beat here Ellie in space so here's what's gonna happen here when um I say go you hit his contact you hit the call button you put it on speakerphone and then you take the bottom of the phone and you put it directly against the microphone and then I will speak for you [Applause] you're in good hands and years it's not the beginning of our YouTube channel Ellie you ready I was born ready no no the tip the tip what's his name again what's his name hello Justin it's Tony with kill Tony hello how are you hello Justin Justin can you hear me yes Justin I'm here with Ellie and uh you came up do you remember seeing me absolutely destroy at the mothership one night man I I didn't see you do [ __ ] but uh wait he wasn't with you oh that wasn't the guy that was with you okay well there was some other guy okay Justin I may be getting Ellie in trouble right now uh so let's talk about it just I got you no Justin it's okay [Applause] it's okay unlike you I could [ __ ] Ellie if I wanted to right now [Music] so Justin we're here and I'm trying to talk Ellie into getting back with you we know that you want Ellie back she looks absolutely stunning you're missing out on an incredible incredible uh opportunity here we're hoping that you will give it one more pitch here in front of over 1 million viewers around the globe can you tell Ellie how badly you want her back right now speak with your chest you know it's it's it's very interesting that all this is happening right now I was writing a poem earlier about just like the way and uh yeah you know like the the things we share in common and uh it feels like we're Partners but and then there's just that empty void of feeling alone and uh you know I I shot it on by other girls and I feel like you know it sucks to be single like you know I wanna I wanna be with this chick and she doesn't want it it sucks Justin this sounds amazing do you have the poem near you right now can you read it I'm [ __ ] half asleep bro I'm not opening up my laptop and saying this for all y'all all right these people want the poem come on we know you're half asleep this is how it happens sometimes life hits you in mysterious ways and mysterious times I'm trying to speak with my chest right now so that you understand me how far are you from your laptop you're I know what it's like being single my laptop's usually right next to me [Applause] how far is your laptop Justin friends damn it Tony you're really something else [Applause] in a world one man wanted to get one girl back all he had was a laptop and his thoughts he broke up after her birthday like a [ __ ] [ __ ] but now he's back for Redemption on one lonely Monday night Justin take it away with the poem to save your relationship some scars never healed this summer we present break a leg [Music] all right let's lower the emotional strings Justin do you have the poem near you no I don't like I'm oh [ __ ] Justin you're being booed right now I'm telling you you still have a chance with Ellie she is surrounded by Superstars the guy right next to her is in the new Barbie movie he has an unbelievable podcast called about last night she's also only feet away from richboss.com whose new special is coming out in mere months she's sitting in front of five touring musicians two of them are blind black men that can smell her sweetness that is true he has a Jew knows Justin be careful he can smell her sweetness I'd like to apologize to the Jews for this entire episode uh you're fine you're fine you're fine okay Justin if you're not gonna read the poem can you at least give one last pitch to Ellie she's standing here she's beautiful she's stunning I like what you said earlier we don't really believe that you wrote a poem that you're afraid to go get the laptop with so final words Justin one final pitch she seems like she really really likes you yeah I I mean Ellie you know you you run around and you're seeing all these people and I hope you can see how much different I am with you and and you know just just the the quality time we have together it seems like we can always just be in the moment it seems like everything we do is sincere I mean there's not too many people that I can just go around and dance with go work out with eat food with just being silent paint with and uh all those things are really beautiful it's it's hard to find that and I think I got a real partner in you so I hope you appreciate that wow that's a good one you got the crowd back on your side oh wait no it's a little bit split the angry center of the room is turning against you Justin this is real life chaos here Mercedes is saying no her vote counts for 30 people or 30 normal humans wait there's a man now starting a kick him out Chan okay everybody relax the Saudi Arabian is actually bending over this time this is incredible this is incredible I mean at a 90 degree angle by the way that is incredible he's he looks like he's trying to get into the Boston Marathon right now it's unbelievable my God Ellie let me ask you while Justin's there and listening how did that pitch make you feel you get to talk to a lot of Austin guys there's a lot of guys Texas oil money you're next to Superstars and artists and a bunch of other [ __ ] horny Taurus how does Justin's pitch do you make you feel uh I already were you ran away when you started feeling things for me he ran away from his feelings a day after your birthday now that's food for thought [Applause] now Justin I guess one thing that I didn't ask you that I think the world wants to know right now what made you break up with her the day after her birthday when she had a broken leg yeah man I just had a lot of anxiety building up you know I um I'm I'm kind of like not used to being out um I don't know if she told you but I shut the [ __ ] up I'm sorry Justin I was telling some idiot shut the [ __ ] up not you keep going what he meant was thanks for coming out dude you're getting back into the world and feeling like you know being around a woman again if I was in prison for a long time so like I was just kind of putting myself in with this lovely woman and uh it was a lot you know it was a lot taken care of her it was a lot you know relationship um supporting her and you feeding her and all that [ __ ] it was [ __ ] makes sense hey Justin do you have a van hold on Justin Justin do you have any plans to come back to Austin Texas anytime soon oh oh he lives I've moved here Bumble date and I flew back out here to visit him for a week and I thought you know so you basically came here and stayed here because of him not because of him but it was an exciting component of that it was a 16 hour drive and it was rainy when she left it was [Music] [Applause] is this real from your YouTube channel no dude how deep did you go this is the most Red Band [ __ ] I've ever seen happen on this show in my entire [ __ ] life this is who he is by the way it's not a character he has to go Tony okay let me tell you this Justin are you still there here's what I'm gonna do because you're a hero you put yourself out there you could have easily have hung up I'm going to with my little bit of influence and power I am going to convince Ellie to at least go to dinner with you that I'm going to take care of at one of my favorite restaurants in the city and uh I'm going to pick up the bill and that's the minimum that I'm going to do is Ellie agree to go to dinner with them all right Justin are you gonna you gonna go eat yeah I appreciate you looking out like that Tony you got it buddy there you go I'm gonna take care of dinner I'm not gonna name the restaurant because I don't want you freaks to know where to go get steaks at but and just like that she avoided Red Band once again I'll get you next time thank you Justin you're a good sport enjoy dinner with Ellie There You Go Justin everybody you can hang up now Ellie if you can't make that dinner I'll be I'll go with Justin Rich boss once again proving that he's Jewish he's like can I have the dinner by myself Ellie you're a great sport uh you uh played along very well 10 spots on stage you know I don't really know you know it's very very tough this whole this whole [ __ ] game of stand-up comedy um but I am for having such a great interview I'm gonna give you a big joke book and I'm gonna pick up that tab uh he left after her birthday and now Tony's gonna take him for food no I'm not taking them for food I'm just paying the bill I'm going to pre-pay the bill that was super nice of you there's a spending limit I should say there's a spending limit there's a 28 maximum no no it's not rich picking up the tab it's me picking up the tab I'm gonna set it like what we both don't drink so it'll be a cheap bill it's a pretty it's a pretty good pretty good Steakhouse I'm taking it just two appetizers please and get a water to go [Music] get out he's gonna leave on your birthday again and break the other leg congratulations [Applause] [Music] oh Ellie has something she wants to say I do maybe she's going to ban to dinner instead you said if if I didn't put out he would leave but I had sex the second day I was home from the hospital because I was scared he would leave with a broken ass [ __ ] leg thank you for your service you're an American treasure [Music] Hospital sex is the best sex or so red bands told me once before hahaha absolutely incredible amazing um uh very fun times thanks for signing up I'm going to want a uh an update on what happens here so make sure you uh ask for Yoni or Christy when um after the date and then we'll get you up here for a new minute and an update and have your guy bring the PO Le yeah take a photo of the post yeah take a photo of the poem for us we're definitely gonna need that all right uh how about one more time for Ellie in space everybody [Applause] that's our YouTube channel so all you horn dogs out there go [ __ ] watch your YouTube well that's so [ __ ] weird it's I literally just watched her video you are a creepazoid red band wash your keyboard please it makes me wonder it makes me wonder how many women I could have pulled out of the bucket where you're like ah are you no need for an interview Tony I've got us covered there's only one way to end an episode like this ladies and gentlemen I almost forgot how exciting our ribbons on our gifts here on kill Tony are ladies and gentlemen your final comedian of the night of the night has the all-time record for appearances on kill Tony the all-time record for most new minutes he is The Only Living member of the kill Tony Hall of Fame Make some noise for the Memphis Strangler The Big Red Machine the vanilla gorilla William Montgomery everybody [Applause] first off holy [ __ ] that dude's poem suck okay since it's uh July 4th tomorrow I'd like to just do the pledge allegiance so here Julie just to Red band's mom even if I can always get a hold of her and on that night when we had sex at Denny's under a table intoxicated with liberty and justice for all hey man [Music] it took me like five hours comparing it with the actual [ __ ] Pledge of Allegiance okay make sure your Uber driver is obese because you know his ass got the AC cranked up [Applause] and it's been hot as shoe former NFL quarterback Ryan Mallett drowned in Panama City Beach after being pulled out into the ocean by a Riptide and this whole time I thought he told other people to go deep Supreme Court just which really sucks because I was so close to playing in the NBA y'all know I was gonna was good for the Dallas map I love okay that's my time the great the powerful The Big Red Machine William Lights Out Montgomery how do you feel about that set William felt pretty good but Tony all I honestly can feel right now is I have the worst hemorrhoid I swear to God it's like the size of a golf ball in my butthole I spread my cheeks earlier in the mirror in the bathroom finally to just see what I was working with and I swear to God it looked just like an open predator's mouth oh my butthole yeah I mean it was it looked like I have two buttholes anybody else got two buttholes out in the crew okay a couple people yeah look just like I had two buttholes but yeah I swear to God Tony it looks like the Predator's mouth I don't know what the Predator's mouth looks like it's like picture I'm spreading it apart and it kind of ends up it looks like a swollen vagina or something like that no I was thinking more like a trapezoid kind of it looks like two triangle it looks like an hourglass kind of because the just get a sewing needle oh Tony why is he still in the [ __ ] show seriously what's going on he's the ratings disaster did you see how he's [ __ ] creepy with that [ __ ] he was just up here I mean he's creepy with all the [ __ ] dude you're gonna get in [ __ ] trouble [Music] now I have some inside information he's literally gonna get in trouble soon creepy with all the [ __ ] William has said here yeah I have the receipts this is a really weird deal I mean he was talk I I'm not gonna get into it all right he will describe what his butthole looks like but he will not give out the info on red band he will talk about his Brown Band but not his sweet red band don't call out your mom right now dude oh my goodness huh wow literally the only thing I can feel is that thing in my butthole right now and you're really coming at me like that you piece of [ __ ] hold on let's start let's stop the Red Band thing for a second here let's get back to this is this real this thing in your butthole or is this one real it came out again I didn't [ __ ] for two days and then when I did it [ __ ] it happened I don't know what's going on I've been putting extra fiber in my in my midnight oh it's what's it called Midnight oats no overnight oats I've been midnight not midnight oh it's been burning the midnight oats yeah I know my overnight oats we I've been putting a bunch of fiber in there but it's not working Tony I'm backed up right now I wrote up I don't even understand what are you voting for I know you know small talk yeah RFK all right wow a lot of checking a lot of chance here tonight how do you have you had a head hemorrhoid before yes I had a had one or two this past year my goodness I wrote you a poem about it what is it [ __ ] off what me [ __ ] off what the [ __ ] are you apologize to Mr redband I literally have something the size of a golf ball in my [ __ ] right now don't come at me you piece of [ __ ] [Music] William gets a little feisty with the guests sometimes it's not famous like William can we can you show us the Hemorrhoid is that acceptable or blur we'll blur it out do you want to see it I was actually showing people earlier I posted it on Instagram but Instagram took the post down oh wow yeah it was just a violated Community guidelines Community guidelines that's what they hit me with oh my goodness wow this is incredible so what does uh how does a hemorrhoid uh what do you have to do now you just wait it out I don't know anything about this yeah I'm waiting it out it was getting better and then I ate a couple boxes of macaroni and cheese the other night craft brand really yeah and then I think that is what stopped me up but yeah I mean it got better now it's worse again you ate two boxes of macaroni and cheese in one sitting yes I've been doing a bunch of sit-ups I've started doing a bunch of sit-ups recently and they just made me so hungry so so you did a bunch of sit-ups and then you ate two boxes of Kraft macaroni boxes of craft and I started making my midnight oh oh [ __ ] oh I I think that was a movie we did one time what was this midnight oats about Adam because can we get some can we get some cinematic uh music uh he's got it yeah he's got that I think that was actually the thing about red band kind of hitting on these 15 year old girls on the internet all right William and Adam is going to describe the movie that uh this shopper one man one hemorrhoid two boxes of Kraft mac and cheese I'm hungry tonight [Music] he had worked up the appetite of a lifetime doing 16 sit-ups made it to 16 trying to get to 20 next what he had a goal to play for Mark Cuban and the Dallas Mavericks but that could only if he could get his midnight oats ready before 6 A.M is it possible I make him at 8am piece of [ __ ] he had a hemorrhoid the size of history in his [ __ ] and there was only one way to get it out the jaws of life he called his gay friend Brad the jaws of life he literally sucked out my last hemorrhoid this film has not yet been raided Charlize Theron Ben Kingsley and introducing when Tilda Swinton as the jaws of life featuring Robin Williams oh my God as Tilda Swinton Robin Williams and Hans Kim as the Asian neighbor who couldn't believe the size of that hemorrhoid he couldn't believe it the night he saw it through them yeah but what did Hans Kim say when he saw the Hemorrhoid William holy [ __ ] that's a big ass Emerald Tony who does the black voices from earlier is going to do the voice of Hans Kim in this movie you know I'm gonna do oscars in midnight [Music] I am no idea I have no idea how this show is so successful it blows my mind I was hoping we could call Justin back and get him to do a Tilda Swinton and brush it all right that was great come on man I'm half asleep right now dude who the [ __ ] is still to swim William you are I don't know how you do it every week but you keep uh filling our souls with your sweet sweet midnight oats and um it's a pleasure to seriously pray for my hemorrhoid though I'm not kidding I'm currently squeezing my butt cheeks right now it makes the weirdest don't make it Sweat I'll show you after the show I actually do one it's crazy looking I swear to God it looks like I have two buttholes right now well I don't know if I do you sure it's not a tumor huh oh he just had cancer did you not know I just literally had skin cancer cut off my [ __ ] [Music] he really is terminal s three weeks three weeks to live from to live how does that make you freeway they gave you three weeks to live with skin cancer three weeks Noah they told you told me last week that they took it off yeah they took it off but what they found didn't look good it's terminal three weeks still three weeks to live you seem totally fine I've been making my piece yeah slowly but surely I've been making my midnight oats making my piece I've been calling people on the phone who have you been calling my old gym teacher coach Rogers I mean coach Rogers and I used to [ __ ] beat people up in the locker room so yeah coach Rogers I mean he was the first person I called this is incredible to find out that you have three weeks to live you were the first uh uh um uh it's sad Tony I think if coach Rogers on the line is there something he wants to say hey hey will this is coach Rogers I'm in the middle of the big game What's Happening you're not eating mac and cheese with that big hemorrhoid are you coach I am and Coach Rogers I know we haven't spoken in a while but yeah well you hit me up on Facebook Messenger from time to time sorry don't respond man that wasn't me my bad I have I I don't have a good diagnosis I mean it was a it's a hard I have three weeks left to live sorry I'm saying you dumbass sorry it's a seventh inning stretch idiot that's baseball [ __ ] sorry it's baseball football wait what's going on what diagnosis what are you talking about I'm in a bowling balloon you're in a who a bowling alley I can't hear you we're playing boxing now we're playing sorry I work at a YMCA I should have mentioned that you still work at the YMCA yeah it's been a tough year I got covered sorry I'm getting my ass kicked now [ __ ] you I have a whistle too good [Music] [Laughter] what's up with your skin cancer coach what three weeks William I'm in a drive-by with Cam sorry one second okay sorry what's up yeah I have three weeks left to left uh all right perfect timing I'm gonna die in three weeks oh well nice to hear from you bud yeah hahaha that's a good sorry but there's a horse race happening yeah I'm at Churchill Downs I put 60 bucks on William's skin cancer shiver me timbers well you would have made 120. sorry I also work at Harry Potter summer camp [Music] there's some owls doing mime and that was Redman coming to a YouTube video of a news reporter too much fun make some [ __ ] noise for the great William Montgomery everybody [Applause] and how about one more time for the amazing Adam Ray and Rich boss everyone I mean I knew we were gonna have [ __ ] fun tonight we did it again thank you to gel Blaster red rose yellow rose Austin security guard service Connect Mobile Health uh screwball peanut butter whiskey number one tequila how about one more time for the screwball peanut butter Whiskey band everyone Michael Gonzalez on the drums Paul Diemer on the horns d-madness on the bass guitar John D's on the keys on the great Matt muelling on the electric guitar the drawing from Ryan J E belt is in of Adam rainridge Foss that pops up on your YouTube right now and here's a drawing from local artist Chris Rogers it is of the kill Tony golden ticket winner Jared Nathan everyone um a lot of fun stuff happening still a few tickets available for the big New Year's Eve show some big announcements coming around uh very soon to go around that weekend a lot of fun stuff happening um New Year's Eve here in Austin Texas for those of you listening around the world this is your chance to uh to be here to soak in Austin what I truly believe is the greatest city in the world right now and uh yeah we love you guys thank you so much for coming out everybody red band uh check out the secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club Sunset Strip atx.com I love you we love you guys thank you good night everybody thank you thank you [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] thank you [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] [Music] thank you [Music] thank you

Channel: Kill Tony

Views: 1,622,266

Keywords: Kill, Tony, podcast, Comedy, Store, Belly, Room, Hollywood, stand, up, comedian, comedy, jokes, panel, one, minute, cat, angry, west, bear, Hinchcliffe, Brian, Redban

Id: EFrRRGJj_S4

Length: 125min 51sec (7551 seconds)

Published: Tue Jul 25 2023