KILL TONY #608 - ADAM RAY

hey y'all the new kill merch store is up and running at a thousand miles an hour it is our official kill Tony online Shop killmerch.com t-shirts hoodies Bonsai Made Real Texas Leather joke books kill Tony hats kill Tony knit winter hats beer koozies bandanas trucker hats mcvader made posters some Ryan J E belt art coming in soon and kill Tony stickers come with a lot of the purchases that you make I personally love the kill Tony NASCAR shirt the kill Tony hoodie with the established 2013 along the sleeve super cool stuff we tested all of this out ourself and made sure that it's very high quality there's cool a cool KT tag on it with a knife and the logo on everything anyway go to killmerch.com you know what to do support the show buy some stuff look cool tell your friends you know what's up [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you [Applause] [Music] [Applause] hey this is Redman coming to you live from the comedy Mothership here in Austin Texas for a brand new episode of kill Tony give it up on Tony hexclair are you guys ready for the best [ __ ] night of your lives tonight or what huh Yeah it's red band everybody hey everybody red rose yellow rose Austin security guard service and gel Blaster present the number one live podcast in the world you guys are at it screwball peanut butter whiskey pays for the band everybody Michael Gonzalez on the drums Matt Milling on the electric guitar John D's on the keys that's Paul Diemer on the trombone over there you heard him earlier sang a little bit for us absolute Stone Cold assassin on the saxophone Make some noise for Terrell Shaheed everybody we at the full band tonight oh yeah and this guy right here on the base his name's d-madness everybody oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] this is going down before we start tonight's episode here's a little bit more from The Amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now the biggest theater tour of my life goes on sale tomorrow May 9th Toronto Canada Detroit Michigan San Antonio Texas Chicago Illinois Charlotte North Carolina Atlanta Georgia Columbus Ohio Kansas City Missouri Indianapolis Indiana Philadelphia Pennsylvania Tysons Virginia just outside of Washington DC Milwaukee Wisconsin Minneapolis Minnesota Youngstown Ohio Cincinnati Ohio San Francisco Sacramento San Diego Phoenix New York New York Tampa and Jacksonville tickets at Tony hinchcliff.com tomorrow morning get em foreign [Music] hey y'all you know it I know it Mother's Day is right around the corner and why not give her the best gift ever and perhaps you were raised by a single father it's rare but it happens why don't you give him a great Mother's Day gift the best gift ever Skylight digital photo frame it brings Joy on a daily basis watching the photos cycle and seeing new ones come in as a thrill not able to visit your mom dad grandparents Etc much even more reason they will love the gift of a skylight frame it's a touch screen photo frame you can email photos to 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of a skylight frame just go to skylightframe.com Tony that's s-k-y-l-i-g-h-t-f-r-a-m-e.com slash Tony um you can barely tell by looking at me but I love to eat food and with hello fresh you get farm fresh pre-portioned ingredients and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep skip trips to the grocery store and count on hellofresh to make home cooking easy fun and affordable that's why it's America's number one meal kit I'm telling you when the spring Sunshine is calling your name don't call for takeout get hello fresh instead they're quick and easy meals make feeding the family a cinch and without the high price tag they're new Fast and Fresh options already in just 15 minutes or less look I'm gonna be honest with you I'm not a big family man I live alone in an unbelievable high-rise apartment that overlooks the entire city of Austin Texas when I get hungry sometimes I just want it quick easy and to taste fresh this is that place it's literally done so quickly that if I were 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you listening people so I'll say it again go to hellofresh.com tony16 and use code Tony 16 for sale 16 free meals plus free shipping hellofresh America's number one meal kit are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what foreign guys this is a veteran guest of the show a guy that I've been doing stand-up comedy with for over 16 years he has at least over five appearances as a guest on the show truly one of the funniest comedians in the world he's on NBC's young Rock his new special read the room just dropped the host of the podcast about last night one of the greats Adam Ray everybody [Applause] one of the best if you don't know you're about to [ __ ] know [Applause] yeah yeah oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah this guy gets it this guy wanted me to punch him he's like dude you didn't do it do it take it easy that was beautiful I love it the energy in this room you could cut it with a knife Adam Ray that'll be back glad to be back kill Tony fans baby got the band we got the new setup got a spiritual counselor where is he you said hi to Namaste okay to him as soon as you came out yeah dude didn't I buy cigarettes from you in Grand Theft Auto two weeks ago there's a character I love the look yeah you're killing it though it is incredible this is awesome Adam you've been on the show many many times before it's one of those guys you know we're I'm a little bit dark a little bit strategic he's a little bit silly and fun but for some reason 16 years we've been doing this together and we when we get around each other we have such a fun Synergy we have so much fun totally positive it's gonna go that way tonight I specifically booked him as a solo guest for a reason we're all gonna find out why over the next two hours sound like fun let's do it let's do it baby 173 Souls stand in the alleyway right now this is names on names they are behind the building right behind us we're gonna start with a regular but after that we are gonna go with Joey Bueno after that oh my God he's still alive names so that we can get their phones and security [ __ ] things so that it's not that long of a wait but when I pull their name out they get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand-up comedy sometimes it's their first time ever trying it sometimes they're a local legend that has put so much work into this minute in this appearance that they're literally trying to make it tonight on this show I just found out that the great Aaron Belial up in Canada with cerebral palsy uh just hit 5 million views on YouTube posting his own clip of his appearance on this show I mean it is unbelievable what's going on they get 60 seconds you know their time is up near the sound of a kitten that means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which is loud and interrupts them we're gonna go with this bucket pull in just a second but we should start it with someone that we all know and love very well the story every minute is new Here We Go sing it if you know the words this is Hans Kim [Music] is thank you it's good to be here in Austin Texas my favorite city in Travis County it was recently in Canada I never know if Canadians are nice are just stupid I feel like I could take over their country just by saying [ __ ] you but yes love it here in America a lot of people are complaining that our military budget is too high which is just proof that our military budget is not high enough is everyone's comparing it to what we what it costs to have a military but not what it can get us like Guatemala and Costa Rica and Nicaragua I am dating a very beautiful woman I think she's only with me because I'm a comedian I'd hate to be there when she finds out that attractive comedians exist too I already went on her Instagram and blocked Matt Rife and Pete Davidson Adam Ray all right thank you welcome hon oh my God what was that last joke supposed to mean that I'm not attractive oh you should just say that next time really hit it right on the head it looks like you've been hit on the head so you might as well do it a lot how about a hand for the amazing staff here at the mothership filling that table look at the mustache on this [ __ ] wow you could tell Rogan injects testosterone into all the employees here it's incredible that with that mustache he can fix a truck or find a [ __ ] either way absolutely either way he's doing something with his life he can't do either one of those things Hans chemist transition my sweet sweet Hans let's talk about it a lot of military budget talk tonight yeah I've been really interested in our budget [Laughter] why was that was that your pickup line to your girlfriend um I would just like to uh you know know about politics and just have a say in what goes on and like be a Civic uh you weren't always this way did you change when you sucked on the Dalai Lama's tongue this week wow funny I've been waiting five days to do that joke by the way that video is so [ __ ] gross it makes two of those two girls one cup look like Air Bud three do you know what I'm saying it's [ __ ] so disgusting but what did it taste like yeah holy totally hell yeah I love it what's going on in your real life Hans let's talk about it I just did a great amazing run of shows in Toronto Canada uh sold out most of them that's cool okay good you're building baby to say that I like being honest uh uh Jared Nathan opened for me he was great so funny yeah that's great we love Jared Nathan what killed it for fun I always like to know about your social life Hans you're a real interesting creature we know you do good on stage you have spreadsheets with jokes he studies them all day but then after the show things tend to get a little wild why don't you tell us about some of your Toronto nightlife let's just say I go a little off the spreadsheet I'm sorry [Applause] Hans is that code for domestic abuse what does that mean break that down yeah it just means that uh I go all the way off to excel yeah um just living an Uncharted life what's the craziest thing Hans Kim could do that someone in his family that knows him well would go holy [ __ ] Hans I recently flew a drone without a license wow there we go there we go crash it no not this time wow all right very fun okay um we uh we we I ate at poke uh in Toronto um which is a sushi for poor people uh how was it it was amazing a little too much cucumber but I did that's kind of my fault yeah um save it for Yelp not exactly the party filled Adventure that I thought it would be I honestly I fell asleep on the lift to a comedy club another Comedy Club the Royal and I met a couple comedians uh just shook some hands and then went home and slept I really didn't do much this time I met some Koreans who are going to a nightclub and then I didn't go with them smart smart North Koreans are South Koreans they looked like a little South Korea okay very good now what we know about you a lot of the updates as of the last few weeks is that you've had a little cocaine addiction as of like it was a new cocaine but it like so did you have you been still dabbling in that or no not at all I have been clean and sober I uh I'm a good boy I can nobody believes you by the way do you hear that silence everyone's like prove it yeah almost went to a nightclub with some Korean and totally did not but I slept a lot the entire weekend there were some kids in my hotel our room who are just making a Ruckus I don't like the way their story is starting quickly do you complain what'd you do did you molest them a little bit what'd you do I just stuck my head out and I was like shut up oh wow close the door and they're like oh my God that ugly guy was so mean I do believe Chris Rogers art over in the corner might be working on a little Hans piece over there oh my God at least it's either Hans or the guy from Mad Magazine I'm not sure but we're gonna get Alfred Eden who looks like a little handsy llama yeah it's happening over there it's good I like that well Hans way to get the show started thank you so much thank you congratulations Hans Kim everybody there he goes yeah what's up next it's gonna be Genevieve but right now I'm the first name I pulled out Make some noise for Joey Bueno everybody here we go 60 seconds uninterrupted [Applause] I have a little weight problem guys yeah but recently I lost weight I started doing this good exercise guys it's called Adderall you just kind of just do it like that snort it the legal blow thank you yeah yeah it sucks I'm addicted to Sugar guys that's my big thing I went to my doctor and they're like I don't know if you know this but sugar is more addictive than cocaine I don't believe him because I've never blown a guy from some Skittles you know what I mean I've never never given a guy a hand job on Pleasant Valley for some Laffy Taffy you know what I mean I'll never guys if sugar was more addictive than cocaine we would all have a sugar dealer and we would call them you know after a couple drinks you know what I'm talking about right hey man call your guy no you [ __ ] call the guy [ __ ] what's his name Willie what Wonka all right hello hello Mr Wonka can you bring over some Laffy Taffy please I'll blow you and uh yeah I think that's it thank you all right 51 seconds from Joey Bueno thank you thank you welcome Joey thank you you've been on this show before when Adam was here last time amazing yeah somehow you get less and less funny every time [ __ ] quite incredible have you been doing a lot of stand up dude I haven't I haven't been getting up feels a little rusty today why why haven't you been because I work late I'm a speech therapist I don't know if you remember that's right right yeah so it's hard to get on a mic and if it's getting hard and I work late and I just haven't thought about trying a different art form yeah I DJ I sing I've tried them all you sing I tried to what are you sing I sing 80s the doors what they what's a song that you sing I can do uh Roadhouse Blues by The Doors do you know that one you guys know Roadhouse Blues yeah one two two one two three four [Music] keep your eyes on the road your hands the bar the wheel [Music] I keep your eyes on the road your hands upon the wheel all right all right stop stop stop Joey I got good news for you you're a singer dude okay really stop doing stop doing comedy dude by the way he was two beats away from me like I suck your dick for some laughing Taffy exactly that is it seems to be the theme of things yeah man Joey give us something real about your personal life we hear you talking about sugar and blow and all this [ __ ] but to give us something in your personal life something it's true to you like a real fun fest something that maybe isn't funny on the surface but is a part of your real life I pee a lot foreign asked the table I'm always peeing you look like a guy that wipes his butt after he pees okay you do does that make sense okay I think that's a compliment I don't know but it just I don't know dude I'm always peeing it sucks because I used to sit in the front of the Vulcan and I would have to do a [ __ ] until you wouldn't interrupt the show yeah okay sorry that's not the most interesting thing [ __ ] yeah I'm a speech therapist too I was I'm you were here last time about all the things that we've already talked about you right I'm asking about anything else in the world peeing a lot really I mean ah man I like to sing I like the DJ of anxiety I pee a lot I hate working there he goes everybody don't sign up again Joey so you're a sweet man but I don't think this Show's built for you Slappy Taffy Willy Wonka is my dealer Uber all right your next comedian is uh has been on this show before one of the uh great door people here at uh the comedy Mothership up next is gonna be Billy Ray Griffin but right now you get the comedy stylings of Genevieve everybody makes the noise for Genevieve 60 seconds uninterrupted [Music] what up though how y'all doing what up hell yeah I couldn't work for Trump I couldn't work for Trump and not for reasons why you think I actually like in my [ __ ] grab you know what I mean never get [ __ ] done come here tiny hands [Music] not the sharpest crayon in the box but I heard not too long ago that white claw came out with a new drink called lemonade strawberry now it's not alarming to y'all right now but in all 34 years of my life lemonade has never came before strawberry I think it's cool that they got dyslexic people working in marketing now you know what I mean I bet you they happy hours be lit as [ __ ] like a bartender let me get a colada Pina take a merry bloody and a dry Canada I'ma get out of here on this you gotta think about life a little bit differently sometimes you got to have a different perspective one day I was sitting outside on my balcony depressed as hell thinking about ending it all and then a cousin from the hood called and was like damn [ __ ] you got a balcony out there foreign Genevieve Genevieve that is what the [ __ ] I'm talking about we found you on this show a few years a couple few years ago when we first got here to Austin and it is incredible to watch you grow you are literally the opposite of Joey Bueno it is unbelievable I was watching you the whole time full connection with the crowd not looking down showing no weakness not trying to remember anything or recall anything you're doing your [ __ ] it's a minute we've never heard before how do you feel pretty [ __ ] good happy birthday big titties oh [ __ ] oh wow those are indeed big titties I can confirm everybody look down that is incredible uh uh indeed Trump lemonade strawberry all hilarious all the way through you work here now at the mothership yes I do what's up y'all there's a whole new Swagger to you I can feel it I've known you you worked at Vulcan the whole time that we were there you were on this show when we were at that other place that's filled with roaches and death and before that Tony what is that something yeah anyway that place is basically closed permanently so no need to look into them anymore anyway they got good water yeah uh but here you are absolutely smashing tell us how your life has changed since working here underneath the Joe Rogan umbrella ah man from The Kill Tony bump to this like I couldn't ask for a better starting comedy in Austin like this has been [ __ ] amazing I'm happy that all y'all enjoying this with us it's a process we love it man it's a good time absolutely smashing you've been here a couple few years you moved from Detroit Michigan right I sure did is there anything you miss about Detroit uh you know random crime thank you you know that sounds like home [Laughter] nobody sells me weed at gas stations we just want you to feel at home here yes yes there's a helicopter I could take a nap right now oh my God it's like a nap right now amazing Genevieve you're absolutely smashing what's going on when you're not here when you're not working I've been picking out racquetball playing with uh different comedians whooping a little ass you know what I'm saying [ __ ] yes racquetball a country club sport yeah normally when black people are making racket it's at a movie theater [Laughter] I always like to check in with John D's after I do black people jokes Stone Cold face looking back at me um racquetball huh you playing with white people yeah white black people all types of people trans people all types oh [ __ ] racquetballs yeah I slipped on my scrotum grab me a Bud Light all right topical topical can't help it I have a problem Genevieve it is incredible to watch so far it is amazing it is incredible you have anything cool in your fanny pack that is a legit fanny pack oh yeah you know a little philanthropy for after work oh [ __ ] philanthropy was that one of your cousins or something yeah old philanthropy Jenkins everybody's next to my cousin Epiphany oh [ __ ] I'd love to have you on the secret show at Vulcan Thursday [Applause] hey [Applause] yeah thank you Jen and Eve everybody make some noise for Genevieve [Music] we're keeping things moving today everybody make some noise for your next comedian Billy Ray Griffin everybody [Music] so uh grown up as a teenager I wasn't really into jerking off I was more of a Humper like uh you name that [ __ ] Billy Ray's on it bathroom sinks couches maybe that's something even in the loveseat I don't know I just know this though um one time I was at the laundromat and an old lady who walked in me in the bathroom while I was bare ass trying to [ __ ] the bathroom sink just like my laundry I was trying to put a load in yeah [ __ ] got so bad if my parents took me to Ashley Furniture I ain't there to [ __ ] Ashley I'm there to [ __ ] the furniture wow he's very confident ending at a strong 42 seconds direct eye contact Mike and the Mike stand he clapped for himself a couple times still the minute is not over I'm watching it 59 and 60. I don't know how long I last but Billy Ray Griffin holy [ __ ] that was everything that I tried to get out of Joey Bueno earlier I'm like give me something about yourself that you would be embarrassed to say and you just come out guns a blazing right with the most ah yeah you gotta go you gotta go all that Adam Ray what do you think about this I mean are you my dad it depends is your mother a lazy boy Tony Tony yeah I'm more of a crazy boy all right I have literally 327 questions for you right I got stuff dude okay just wait for the questions then yes yes a little bit interrupted you're very excited right now right how long you been doing stand up for about on and off like three years okay I've done about like 20 open mics I never headlined it or like open we know no one was wondering if you've headlined somewhere yeah I don't know how many I don't know how many hours of I [ __ ] [ __ ] material uh people I mean I'd imagine 45 minutes in we're really hitting a wall [Laughter] okay so Billy Ray Griffin where do you do stand-up comedy Austin Texas no I just drove here from Florida today from Florida yeah today yeah today I quit my job yesterday I said I got a career I want to do [ __ ] it wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait one thing at a time yeah they got all these tattoos on the drive over hold on yeah so wait I got them at your mom's house okay you could have okay my mom died two weeks ago so that's [ __ ] up yeah oh damn no she's alive but you guys thanks for being on my side it's it's all good no it's all good if she was dead he'd probably he'd be most likely to [ __ ] her then I mean love for inanimate objects is unbelievable Billy Ray Griffin let me ask you this this is all moving so fast you said that you drove here from Florida today and you quit your job yesterday why would you quit your job to come here to sign up for the show I got an interview Wednesday at a job here in Austin and uh I just what job did you quit um it was a uh seafood restaurant oh yeah why are you saying that with a question mark what what place where was it what was it really I don't know I mean it's pretty smelly yeah what why was that red band boys are you talking about a strip club was that or it's a real seafood place I mean why are you saying it like that it was a buffet next to a strip club very good is Billy Ray Griffin trying to add it that's your real name Billy Ray Griffin yeah Billy Ray I've got Billy Ray Cyrus like uh grown up as a kid we know that okay Billy you're real Ramblers stick with me here it's more of the interview part of the show you're uninterrupted time is over Miley can call me daddy though very good okay there you go does that work in Tallahassee thank you let's go you ready are you ready what's your job interview on Wednesday it's at a breakfast restaurant okay now is it like a waiter job that you're looking for No Coke online cook okay all right can we do it can we do a fake interview to prep them for uh yeah for the job Wednesday let's do it yeah yeah yeah all right so this is the boss uh all right this is the GM Adam uh all right Billy Ray Griffin Billy Ray Griffin yeah people probably I should probably warn you that I saw him [ __ ] a chair Ah that's fine that's fine that's fine who hadn't done that all right so all right uh no tongue sucking here but uh first of all Billy Ray Cyrus anybody ever call you that all right no for real though hey uh we're gonna have to get rid of those tattoos probably get you some better pants uh but uh first question is you know how to make eggs uh I scramble a few in a girl's vagina okay I don't think this is gonna work out HR again damn it are you a little bit nervous your face is shaking is that normal is that a normal thing are you yeah I love this show dude I know I know I get it I get it okay so Wednesday you have a job at the breakfast place what's your living situation right now you can quit your job yesterday you drove here today we want to know where are you sleeping tonight great question uh probably a Walmart but Billy Ray stop trying to be funny you're not that good at it just answer the questions honestly at Walmart I mean I I'm if I get the job interview if it goes Wednesday like that's not what I'm asking you let's try it again ready where are you my car tonight okay okay do you know where you're gonna park your car wherever I can find a spot I guess okay what kind of car is it it's a 2008 Hyundai Santa Fe okay 2000 what's your license plate I'm awesome Tony you didn't tell me about my love life what my love life okay I'm not going to oh fine sure it has something to do with a [ __ ] kitchen stool or something like that what is it tell me about your love life really bad come on you want me to say I'm going to hell for it going to help for what for my uh I'm hooking up with my ex and uh like when we broke up she had like she was 300 pounds and she got like gastric bypass surgery and uh she's pretty hot now [Laughter] but uh hello Pixar [Music] we've got the next rom-com oh my God but um there's a problem there though like really you said that very sincerely and I love that no no no but um let some of the laughter happen do you not are you are you not present are you I'm bipolar I don't have internet so like you watch whatever the [ __ ] I want it's like different channels and [ __ ] in my head like I got horror I got [ __ ] comedy well some comedy but like you know sci-fi stuff like that shut up but um by the way keep keep I don't keep on bipolar and don't have internet out of the job interview on Wednesday yeah damn it yeah I have a lot of jobs yeah that's good you should you're hustling you're grinding yeah well I mean I got fired a lot y'all it's okay what was the craziest thing you got fired for um oh um I was gonna be good this is gonna be so good did you hear that grunt that was a hard oh I worked at Cracker Barrel one time and it's Valentine's Day were you the barrel chick yeah no I could have been I mean that's the [ __ ] joke Billy Ray just answer the questions go ahead so is that Cracker Barrel hey and it was busy and I'm working with this one chick and she's like oh you got fire on your ass Billy uh I'm getting my [ __ ] ass kicked somebody called out and uh she um she bought cookies for everybody and it was over on the table I'm like you know [ __ ] this I'm gone threw my apron down [ __ ] kicked their cookies I'm like boom [ __ ] that sounds like cookie crumbles and I walked out I'm not mad about that kind of funny I think that's how everybody quits the Cracker Barrel I don't think that's that shocking so Billy Ray is that story about your ex true yeah where does she live John near Florida maybe near Florida maybe is she dead now no but um um the thing is though by the way that's how every murder starts the thing is I'm going I'm going to hell going out for it like uh she's married but she hasn't had dick in like two years because her marriage is going through like a crippling spiral right because her husband has cerebral palsy oh so yeah is that why you said crippling spiral maybe probably but like it's wise I'm gonna get it for you Billy right yeah you said that I just said it again so if he gets pissed off and finds out once throw like a hand like my sister's autistic she'll beat his ass for a chicken nugget wow okay the tattoos on your spiderweb on an elbow what does that mean again I like Spider-Man okey dokey uh I'd open with that on Wednesday Everyone likes Spider-Man I'm serious right any other tattoos that are weird that we can't see I have a pink camel tattoo on my toes so I have a camel toe you have a what a camel toe yeah I'm like yeah it's a great and like you know first date starter okay all right Billy Ray Griffin well congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket here is a here's a little joke book it was nice can I can I say something too yeah Adam Ray can I I'm gonna say one more thing uh as uh being raised by a sweet Jewish single mom I can't let you sleep in your [ __ ] car tonight I'm gonna get you a hotel for three nights here in Austin all right [Applause] man I can't do that okay okay but just keep hustling man and Crush that job interview on Wednesday and don't you [ __ ] jerk off in the La Quinta Lobby all right we're having fun here I can't believe it Adam's I'm gonna do a hotel room how do I get his info is he gonna stick around yeah Yoni will get it Yoni get his info for me get his memo [Music] yeah how about one more time for Billy Ray Griffin everybody all right pulled another name out of the bucket Make some noise for Brett O'Brien everybody Brett O'Brien and just a little heads up if you guys want to add some excitement to watching sports then download our favorite app prize picks on prize picks you can choose any player from any sport and I guarantee they got what you were looking for right red band yeah pick two or more of your favorite players select more or less on their projected stat then lock your entry in for a chance to 25 times your money it's that simple prize picks is available in over 30 States like Texas California Florida and more so what are you waiting for all right download the prize picks app right now and use the go Tony for a 100 deposit match put in 100 and prize picks will give you 100 put in 20 and they will give you 20. cook up a winner at prize picks the new app and Now ladies and gentlemen Brett O'Brien everybody [Music] thank you uh the kid who beat me up in high school is now in jail for rape who would have thought I was the lucky one really dodged a bullet there say I was a Gateway pounding I'm I'm bad with women I don't have any pickup lines but I have drop off lines like [ __ ] don't tell anybody about this [Music] [Laughter] get the [ __ ] out of my van you should get tested foreign T O'Brien with an unbelievable 60 seconds Rock Solid well written yeah well executed that's how you do it that's stand-up comedy how long you been doing this for uh coming up on four four years all of it here in Austin no I started in Dallas for like two moved here about a year and a half ago that's good there's been a lot of great comedians that uh come out of Dallas Texas also one of the worst human beings of all time that tried to assassinate my career two years ago but uh but I mean who's paying attention you know what I mean so you've been doing it a while very good very fun what's the most fun you've ever had on stage tell us the highlight of your career Secret Show here like a couple months ago right you did this show and you got booked on that from here what did we find out about you last time you were on the show um different ways did I call you Jeffrey Dahmer last time you were here I had to countless I bet I can't even imagine well good thing you didn't eat it here tonight yeah but you did Kill so you're still kind of like no um uh you asked me what my parents did for work and I didn't know what my mom did ah did you find out since then yeah we found out we called her on the show she watched the episode she watched it yeah what did we find out what did she do she's an office manager oh okay but how can we I'm sorry how come we didn't know what she did I'm I guess a bad son yeah selfish he doesn't care about other people you lived with her for how long 18 years yeah you just never it just never came up yeah she's she would come back from somewhere and you would just go what's up yeah [Applause] yeah and she wouldn't say oh man today was crazy at what it just yeah yeah it was always like how was your day and I was never like yeah how was yours wow wow oh man are you close with her now yeah we got closer after the episode really that's amazing people together that's amazing every single way good for you this is what we do wait so can I ask a follow-up what have you learned since the uh reconnect um what additional facts about Mom do you know take an interest in she's Jewish oh first of all you looked right at me when you said that which I am but you shook your head like I didn't think she looked Jewish which yeah okay so is that good or bad well it should be helping my career do you have that you do have timing of a Jewish comedian Jews or Jews are famously funny and uh you performed like a Jew tonight yeah because you have some uh you have some light hair so maybe he's Irish oh okay that's good better than Germans and Jews don't really they don't it's not yeah your mom's Jewish yeah you look like you turned on the chambers do you know what I'm saying yeah exactly no yeah yeah German hair yeah yeah anyway we can move on no 100 percent a hundred percent what do you do for work Brad O'Brien uh Tech sales okay what do you do for fun uh how does a guy like you get loose yeah that's a good question um you know I try to you know not eat people sorry though sorry yeah go ahead sorry go ahead uh drink and you know go out with some friends play golf you know very classic and you go out with friends what do you tend to do you know go to a bar and drink and go to comedy shows uh concerts things like that okay all right any good concerts recently um I'm going to a Widespread Panic tomorrow nice wow oh [ __ ] I bet Ojai is going to that too huh no [ __ ] them dude psalming 87 [ __ ] them yeah unless Oasis is there count me out [Laughter] Brett O'Brien what's your love life like I have a girlfriend okay oh my goodness this is amazing how long have you been with her um about like a year okay what does she do uh she just graduated um High School no she works at a country club okay get benefits yeah play golf which one uh oh no uh Austin Country Club oh yeah that's right yeah it's like my third favorite course in the city it's uh glad that we became friends here today hey can I ask you a question yeah go ahead the uh I really like the uh I don't have pickup lines I have drop-off lines that's a really funny uh take are there other uh like alts to that that you thought of or are there other real life drop-off lines you've said uh in your past that you're like oh that that'll make its way into the joke rotation at some point no I did have like some other ones but I don't remember but let's go back all right cool Tony let's go back to your relationship for a second country yes and here's a story is she a car girl no she works in the tennis uh Pro Shop oh okay all right she's out there kicking Genevieve off the racquetball courts right now sorry um this isn't exactly your dream I believe that man oh okay so uh let me ask you this because I I'm I find myself intrigued by your kind of like stiff proper style uh what do you like in the bedroom how do you keep things exciting in the bedroom you seem like you uh are strictly missionary yeah pretty vanilla yeah what's the what's the wildest thing you've ever done to your girlfriend it's okay you can say it you're in a safe you're in a safe space here no why no one makes a safe space better than Joe Rogan come on you're safe here everything is okay I mean we've 69 I don't think that's whoa [ __ ] [Applause] wow listening to Widespread Panic dude 269 which is the square root of uh 1192 so uh that's pretty exciting holy [ __ ] what was it you only did it once you say that you 69 like it was a singular time it's not that sick really 69ing it's with what it's not that cool 69. why why isn't why isn't it that cool describe to us what your expectations were and what the results were on why it wasn't cool it was on because if you like [ __ ] on your face and looking at an [ __ ] while getting your dick sucked I promise you it's pretty [ __ ] cool [Applause] it's fun it's fun looking at an [ __ ] by the way can you imagine him at Joey Bueno speech therapy class doing as a guest speaker to the kids you know 69 and ain't that cool I'll be honest with you we're gonna have you heard we're gonna find out though she's like five feet tall so he doesn't even get to the ass or the place there you go red band thank you all right back to uh very good timing unbelievable so tell us the expectations of the 69 and the results of 69 what were you expecting it to be like what was different take your time answer honestly I mean just to be honest the smell of an [ __ ] directly in your nose oh dirty [ __ ] she's sick don't you dare say that oh great too sweet wow you say too sweet is that what you just said she's sweet oh she's sweet she's a sweet woman oh she said I thought you said the [ __ ] was too sweet for me yeah I swear to God that's what I just heard oh man thank goodness she's sweet but her [ __ ] ain't yeah okay what uh what does she do you already say that yeah she works at a country club was this like right after a shift or right after what was this Taco Tuesday or something like that like what it wasn't like it was I don't know I guess we should do prep for things like that [Music] all right okay we get it it's a fly Red Band good job you completely redeemed yourself from the five foot tall 69 joke oh her butt smelled her butt smelled yes that is tremendously disappointing yeah or anything like that at your place nobody I'm working for it just some single ply toilet paper right now just something I got two blocks napkins from Whataburger or something like that God I've been there God damn that's a good question Matt muelling only speaks once every six months and he just spoke right now his question was say it again there you go Matt muelling at guitar and ass eating specialist [Applause] [Laughter] this guy loves munching on that sweet sweet Pumpernickel you know what I'm saying he just shreds and [ __ ] gives heads you know what I'm saying just [ __ ] plays the sixth string and eats the Ding-A-Ling yep that's how it goes just get a bunch of hand sanitizer like a whole handful and just put it on it right before you go a little medical advice very good that is so interesting and that was your first time eating ass I mean being near an [ __ ] you didn't even eat the ass did you you just smelled it I didn't eat it oh incredible incredible shocking shocking I'm disappointing a lot of people yeah yeah I get the feeling you're gonna get a lot of feedback from this episode a lot of people telling you get in there all right dive in give it a second shot how many you think he should [Applause] yeah Brett very very good set I'd love to have you open the secret show for us yeah do you have one of these already everybody [Music] [Applause] all right I pulled the name out showed it to my producer earlier he says that no one was in the back with this name which is very exciting because that means that it might be one of you that signed up is Seth's action here Seth action oh well here he is we got him look at this all the way to the back he goes it's always good you guys have your own representative here tonight Seth action coming from the audience I think we should uh give it up uh one time for the man who's managed to keep this ship afloat the turbulent yellow Seas of cancel culture Mr Tony inch clever like Tony I also grew up uh without knowing my father most of my Early Childhood even though he lived a few blocks away uh but he finally come around when I was about six years old and in and out and when I turned 12 my mom wanted child support so uh he was like hell no just give the little bastard to me I'm paying you money so I went to live with him and when I turned 13 he asked a profound question he said you got any [ __ ] yet boy which I knew what he was talking about because I knew my grandpa was peddling VHS porn and I'd learned how to tug it with three fingers to Fran dresser uh so but I answered him honestly and I said no and he said well you gonna be a [ __ ] all your life no he said well I was [ __ ] my aunt when I was 12. [Applause] action names that I've heard in a while stuck has been with me for a while is that your real last name actually no roork is my real life oh okay all right all right I've just met you but I would read your autobiography yeah it's uh that was five stories in one minute that was incredible just a little piece wow that is some mashup of like uh the first two thirds of Joe Dirt uh Forrest Gump and big fish so far okey dokey uh Seth let's talk about it so um this is your first time doing stand-up comedy it is how about a hand for Seth everybody [Applause] I was inspired by you really yeah not uh not even knowing the show I actually just watched the inner uh your Theo Von interview and I was like I [ __ ] love that guy that led me to the show and then I watched a bunch of people come up here and I'm like [ __ ] I can talk about real [ __ ] you know wow cool and you [ __ ] did by the way yeah three finger jerk off and friend Drescher come stories and your dad's [ __ ] your family yeah you're my nanny you're my nanny yeah I don't know what you just said but yeah wow incredible uh so Seth what do you do for work well up until Friday uh well I did restaurant management most of my life and then uh had been recently doing home inspections for a pest control company for like people needing clearance letters for houses finding termites and [ __ ] like that I live in the country but I mostly would drive to the urban areas of Atlanta wow I could listen to you talk forever that's that hillbilly wow you are about as funny as cancer but I gotta tell you you have such Swagger to you it is unbelievable I don't even know what the answer was I don't even know what I asked steer you're like a [ __ ] hillbilly hypnotist or something yeah it's a soothing quality to your voice for sure appreciate it yeah so what do I do for work well I'll tell you up until Friday I was in the restaurant business I was doing home inspections like homework you can't go to the bathroom in here I feel like it's something you might have said at some point in your life no yeah we'll leave the line for you all right Seth let's talk about it so what else in your life have you ever tried anything like this before no I don't know have you ever been on a stage before no you seem so comfortable well often you [ __ ] you better eight miles of [ __ ] if you're gonna put your name in the bucket what the [ __ ] did you just say dude [Applause] I tried it was like you big Mile in a bucket and if you can fly here you can walk back I was like wait what and everybody understood what the [ __ ] I was saying yeah they did they did [Applause] wow a natural Entertainer discovered here tonight incredible Seth what's the closest thing to like a speech or show or anything that you've ever done before you ever have to give like a wedding speech or oh oh I'm ordained I've done actually officiated weddings I could see that yeah yeah I could see how that would be composed yeah my brother took me into it and I've done several since wow what's your even a lesbian wedding that was oh [ __ ] we I knew we were gonna get a statement like that sooner or later we were like moments away from even a couple of scissor gals uh even helped them [ __ ] make it official you know but I didn't look I just said it I closed my eyes but I was there I mean [ __ ] that we were so close rerunning those valves were fun yeah you are something else what's your love life like oh yeah I guess I could give the audience some advice on this one yeah yeah absolute [ __ ] never have one too many and I don't mean drinks or psychedelics or dicks or whatever it is but I mean kids because eventually one of you is not going to meet the other's expectations foreign [Applause] hey so so for most of y'all one is probably too many for me it was three you had three women at the same time no kids oh see I don't I I get so I get like dizzy when you start talking and I can't really pay attention well I gotta tell you Tony there's a lesson to be learned here and that's sometimes you only get one shot you know what I mean all right Seth what do you do for fun what are you into what are some like Hobbies of Seth well I mean [ __ ] choice would be I don't want to take some ass and go to if I can see Roger Waters or Sturgill Simpson or something yeah what great taste do you have Tony Hinchcliffe Roger Waters Sturgill Simpson theobon these are all some of my favorite people on planet Earth incredible you're a cool guy yeah you are too that's why I [ __ ] want to show what uh what what what wait what that felt a little threatening what kind of car do you have I feel like you have a wagon with horses or something no a minivan full of kids wow I'm not Amish kids and how old are your three kids ah nine five and two wow and I'm 42. all boys no girl in the middle okay girl in the middle do they know you do uh that you're trying stand up tonight yeah they knew I come to Austin I mean you know my relationship had gotten turbulent and things needed to change you know in your relationship with your kids wow why oh no you're not with her anymore well I mean this all just happened oh recently how recently well I mean [ __ ] I just got here yesterday but things were okay so wait wait wait where did you leave your wife and kids exactly where are they right now they're in Georgia with family do I get a do I gotta get a hotel for you too [ __ ] what have I done [Applause] I done again Billy Ray Griffin we're driving here from two different states at the same time probably past each other on the front yeah no no no I was on the dam I got a [ __ ] Greyhound my wife I said so I she drops me off in Atlanta [ __ ] you talk about crazy that place is crazy that [ __ ] is crazy is the name of your special don't look back pussy's crazy right get out of the get out of the van lady comes up in a fake security jacket so you know this is paid parking I said we're going to find another stupid white boy I ain't paying your ass I'm getting my [ __ ] then a dude's got a free base pipe right you need something come see me you know and then [ __ ] next guys let's go back for just a second here okay when you say you're gonna have to find another stupid ass white boy is that insinuating that the woman that told you that you have to pay for parking is a black woman no [Music] yeah but listen here's hit cheat [Music] so so her room I love watching people that have never been on a stage before like learn timing like he wanted to talk so bad right then but the drums and the horns are still gone it was your face they really taught me yeah so but I don't blame her at all it's the dumbasses that give her money you know right yeah she's working her hustle that's right I get it absolutely absolutely the thing I just need the one did your kid say anything uh encouraging when you told him you were gonna come do stand-up now my my uh little boy just tried to take make a Texas accent I thought that was funny [ __ ] cute yeah oh yeah absolutely okay um Seth so what do you think's gonna happen what's your plan on going back to your family your three kids which you abandoned in Georgia just yesterday I'm very excited to find out what's next after this amazing performance you're Rock Solid on stage you know you have so much Charisma smoothest [ __ ] sound of the night there is uh there really isn't a look in the [ __ ] mirror and talk to God man you know and uh figure this [ __ ] out oh you're on acid right now no no sober as hell no I'm just saying that's what I gotta do I mean that's what I got a damn visit and see and try to create something and and make it where I do not want to lose my relationship but I'm not going to have a toxic relationship and maybe my wife can learn to [ __ ] appreciate things that I do do you know if I'm not there wow right because I don't [ __ ] you know what I mean I mean I go to work [ __ ] 60 hours worked [ __ ] two jobs I don't [ __ ] [ __ ] in front of me right no 100 what did she what was the last thing she said to you before you walked out that door she dropped me off at the fight yeah and Seth I'm leaving you right here she wrote a note [ __ ] in your money wait can I can I read that can I read the notes you might not write you a note I think I flushed it down the toilet I forgot and then she grabbed me a [ __ ] kiss me and I was like what the hell oh yeah come on you [ __ ] me not last night you know you go meet Hans Kim and you show him what so yeah just uh but but in all honesty I mean I want my goal today was to [ __ ] relax and come here and if I wasn't going to be the [ __ ] in the audience that didn't sign up and then but tomorrow I'm gonna hit the ground running and see if there's something that I can create here let's [ __ ] go dude good for you what a magical story awesome your odds I don't know how many people in the audience signed up but I know 173 are in the alleyway so that means your odds of getting pulled tonight were literally more than 100 in 173. and meanwhile you got pulled out tonight kind of makes sense I think believing in God and doing a lot of assets really helped you congratulations on your first appearance even though your set was blatantly a first time set I found your interview and everything to be so intriguing take a big kill Tony joke book with you [Applause] pulled another name out of the bucket already already have them loaded up in the back ladies and gentlemen your next comedian goes by the name of a Margot everyone Margo hi everyone I just celebrated three years of continuous sobriety you're welcome I'm doing you all a favor by not drinking right now I was never like my friends we used to go out and they'd be like let's get let's get shots and I'm like let's get a bottle right you're like do you want a bump I'm like no I want to [ __ ] your dealer it's different I recently went on a date with this guy and he was basically like if a dick pic was a person he was totally trashed the whole time we're eating dinner he's talking now he hates Mexicans like he's a racist and I'm like but you're Puerto Rican the [ __ ] I thought that was basically the same thing foreign we go back to his place I'm gonna get real with you guys he Stealth at me and if you don't know what that is it's when they take the condom off without your permission right I [ __ ] caught him red-handed and I leave and I get my car and I think you know I got one more thing to say to this dude so I sent him a message like this I was like hey dude that's really [ __ ] up what you did and good luck with the herpes [Music] you bro who Margo very fun awesome welcome to the show Margot thank you doing stand-up comedy three months three months awesome all of it here in Austin yep wow is this where you're from born and raised no I'm from San Diego but I've been here like 10 years okay what made you move from San Diego 10 years ago my parents oh they all everybody moved here yeah my parents moved out here to retire and I'm a single mom and they're like free daycare and I was like okay okay and you talked about Mexicans and Puerto Ricans What ethnicity are you my mom's Creole my dad's white wow thanks okay and you came out basically Mexican yeah wow yeah basically incredible yeah my Spanish sucks though okay that makes sense uh Margo what do you do for work um I'm in SAS sales so I sell technology software as a service all right software as a service SAS I've never heard of that before I I it's I shouldn't have used that word but yeah it's Tech sales okay all right and you haven't had a drink in over three years but by the color of your hair I'm guessing you love Bud Light [Laughter] you consider yourself a hip person I'd like to think so I'm a hit mom how old's your kid he's 10. whoa 10 years old how old were you when you had this kid 25 oh okay wow you've taken good care of yourself thank you fantastic I quit drugs it was work oh okay that happens like it's almost like worth doing a lot of drugs and then getting sober yeah out of vanity I got sober for sure incredible what was your bottom that you hit that made you realize that you have to be sober oh okay that's rough um well your kid was seven at the time so yeah guessing that had something to do well I was sober for seven years I got sober when I got pregnant with him and I had a five month sabbatical okay what happened in that five months uh I did all the drugs like there were so many drugs that came out let's go slow what started it like what was it started spark like what was the first night where you're like okay I'm just gonna have a drink or like it was like uh two years of depression basically but my plan was just to do it for the weekend like I got a sitter and a hotel I'm like I'm just gonna get loaded for the weekend that sounds like a plan yeah did your sitter know what you were gonna do no no no yeah you didn't say like I'll just go I'm going to Target for a couple days yeah right yeah so mama's mama's gonna have a little weekend so my bottom was my kid calling me and saying you know I'm worried about you Mom and he sounded like a grown-ass man right or did he sound like did he sound like because you were so [ __ ] up or did it sound like you did it sound like Seth action was he like I really hope that you uh find a way to find it in your heart back home to me I really uh you know it's been a long time since I'm you know you can drive anywhere but opportunity like this and I need a mother and you need a son and we can really help each other out we have one shot at this man my dad was getting [ __ ] at his age at 13. granted it was my mom's sister but it was still [ __ ] you know but you can fly anywhere if you got a credit card you have a 10 year old you're living in Austin Texas you're doing sass for a living what's your love life like oh it's it's complicated yeah I mean I like to have fun what does that mean I'm on all the apps you know I like to hang out and have fun so like what's the last like hookup you had what is it how does that go down for a Girl Like You Well I have like one regular hookup um that I can see like weekly and then other than that it's just kind of what's that guy like so like a white boy he's a Latino Latino yeah okay he's like a short Latino guy okay what's your favorite thing about him what does he do that makes him irregular there must be something well his dick is my favorite thing about it oh good answer all right yeah he's got his his ridiculous tonight's well-timed sound effect of the night is brought to you by skirball indeed screwball peanut butter whiskey available on bars everywhere okay Margot very very interesting so you live by yourself with the 10 year old yeah yeah we live in Lakeway okay that's nice right out there by the water yeah does your Mexican boyfriend swim to you or no so he he's 27 and he's Latino so he lives with his parents of course yeah sneak in through the back at night oh wow sneak into his parents house yeah I do oh my God it's kind of hot have they ever caught you or that no oh wait his uncle caught me one time because I left too late and they were like coming up for work or whatever right I was like he's like he's some pink hair chupacabras in the backyard right now I saw a uh feeling pretty I didn't know you did accents Tony seem cool what else are you into what do you do for fun um sober yeah and I just recently took up ghost hunting wow oh my goodness did you find anything not yet no I'm taking my kid though I thought it'd be a good idea oh yeah that's a great way to scare the [ __ ] out of a 10 year old yeah we didn't even find any ghosts he's already scared right exactly who had a guess that a 10 year old would be frightened by the way I had a single mom too but she took me like [ __ ] McDonald's or some [ __ ] like that now let's go find some Spirits at 10 A.M but that's cool is uh your way his son or daughter boy boy yeah is he into it like yeah he's into it yeah if we watch this ghost hunting show on YouTube together so is the dad in the life at all have you thought about have you thought about hunting for that ghost yeah he's in California okay we just saw him for spring break he was in prison for like 10 years oh wow damn for what yeah exactly drugs okay oh okay yeah all right so he was in prison for 10 years yeah he got out a year ago and then we just saw him for the first time for spring race he's Mexican as well no he's white oh white guy how many how much drugs do you have on him 10 years a kilo oh wow wow look at you damn that is incredible so did he go to jail when you were pregnant when you just my son was five weeks old five weeks old my God what an American hero you are look at you no it's incredible you [ __ ] did it you got your life together you're out here having some fun Taking Chances a real mom single moms Make the World Go Round yes the goddamn American way and you're out here [ __ ] having fun killing it congratulations thank you here's a big joke book why don't you I'm in the giving mood tonight A lot of these people might not oh we're gonna keep going you guys still having fun out there [Applause] David Lucas didn't make it tonight he got stuck in Florida unfortunately turns out they didn't have two Airline seats to get them back here piece of [ __ ] David Lucas was stuck on the airplane watching cool never been running [Music] he came down with a big case of fudge sickle cell anemia [Applause] but he is a movie buff David is a movie buff he thinks the movie Footloose is based on his diabetes but Chris here I wish he was here I [ __ ] miss him I I haven't seen some that Big in ashy since 9 11 and I miss David I miss David I it's what I'm trying to say is I miss David I wish he was here is he on only fans or only yams I don't know but I miss David Make some noise for Adam Ray [Music] your next comedian goes by the name of James Fagan everybody James Fagan f-a-g-a-n absolutely incredible here's some exciting information for those of you listening at home that might not know but the new kill Sony merch store is open and bumping that is the brand new state-of-the-art merch store check that out at killmerch.com uh online streaming availability to the 10-year anniversary episode which sold out in one hour we sold 3 000 tickets in Austin Texas in one hour June 10th at ACL Live will be streaming and the information on how to get that stream is coming soon uh uh here he is everybody James Fagen everyone [Music] thank you Tony you got a good mic here by the way I like this mic you know comedy Mothership damn Joe Rogan you're about to you're about to get like uh spend the whole whole wad on this mic Jesus better than the [ __ ] Sunset over there guys guys can I be real I had a tough childhood dude tough childhood you guys wouldn't believe it more than anything in the entire world me and my family I mean my siblings we wanted a dog I'm sure most of you wanted a dog we were so surprised when we got a hamster on Christmas but at that point we could have eaten anything [Music] I'll do uh I'll do one more I did this [Applause] I'll end it there I want you to do it uh let's let's stop the bear I want to hear this one more since you were able to do one joke in your minute you wanna hear this one more all right well it's not a great one but I did I did go on a I did go on a vacation guys I did go on a vacation to a little town called Paris France maybe you've heard of it I got a [ __ ] out of brothel for two hundred dollars I could get the whole Shaboom boom here in Austin Texas for half that City love my ass oh I can get that also a side of crabs Tony okay very good very good James I'll do one more sorry I'm sorry you guys seem to really be enjoying this uh give you a little uh put it in the whole boom boom but I mean you got two catchphrases in that two minutes I'll do one more the whole Shaboom boom on the back of the shirt James Pagan you spent 25 seconds talking about the microphone for no reason let's just jump right into it uh James how long have you been doing stand-up comedy about two months now man two months where at uh Baltimore and also here in Maryland uh oh shoot wow [ __ ] my ass God damn Jesus three catchphrases [ __ ] my ass oh man did I just call this place Marilyn oh I really [ __ ] up the whole movie but I got one more for you what is this microphone are these lights bright or what whoa there's a band behind me you are one you're very likable you are one of the most likable pedophiles we've ever had on this show James let's talk about it so two months in the game how old are you James uh 25 now 25 you're a young buck what do you do for work I sell Adobe software um okay wow state and local agencies okay very good all right I wasn't even gonna ask not even a joke I love it James okay so uh what does a guy like you do for fun you're a very very interesting looking man you seem like you wouldn't be on stage but you would be in the YouTube comments well you would be right about that yeah I Do I Do Love YouTube uh okay what's your best Rabbit Hole like what do you like to venture down oh man uh you know I could go in as far as like uh what politics YouTube like uh where where are we going with just based on this response I'm not quite comfortable uh asking a follow-up question but there is security here but let's just okay so uh I guess um I don't know like that like fails or like like people getting hurt or like cute animal video like you know sick [ __ ] it's very unorthodox this is gonna be weird if I say it go ahead James just say it but I'll do one more it was the whole [ __ ] [ __ ] dude I watch I watch Like PewDiePie videos yeah no you don't [ __ ] off I don't even know what that is it's it's a guilty crutch like get the [ __ ] out of here all right no one cares about that James what's what do you do socially like what what do you do to hang out with other humans when you're not in front of your computer oh yeah when I'm not gaming uh uh I just picked up bowling I've been welcome back to no [ __ ] I played in tennis since I was a kid uh yeah my dad used to force me to play tennis right because you didn't want to leave the house right yeah because I wasn't white I mean like what I wasn't that white like what do you mean you weren't that white you seem literally White who wants to take a racket and throw it up against like another another person throw these balls at other people oh you know you never even found out how tennis works the entire time you played it yeah I've been playing tennis I mean it's weird when you're beating the [ __ ] out of a person with a tennis racket I'm like how come the score isn't getting any higher I need my Shaboom boom Dad I can't do the Shaboom boom right how do I throw this out you told you you were you winning who did that was it someone in Baltimore Maryland or was it in a little city called Paris France yeah you close with your parents oh yeah I think I love them do they know that you're doing this probably not you make them laugh like when you guys are hanging out do they find you funny ah my parents don't find me funny at all probably much like you as well oh you're you're very funny you are oh you're the only one that's told me I'll get you a hotel [Applause] [ __ ] my ass James you have the look that makes me want to ask what's the creepiest thing you've ever jerked off to be honest here don't try to be funny be honest what's something that's made you come that you've watched online we want to know it had to bring you to completion you felt maybe you felt kind of guilty about it afterwards it's your question you're the only one that's been asked it all night we want your answer specifically you're shaking your head like it's something that you can't say what is the answer to the question the creepiest thing that you've ever come to completion watching on your computer Tony henchcliffe very good okay now answer the real question very good let me remind you you're not funny bad joke no head though Adam thinks you're funny bad joke I know you don't answer But You Gotta Throw dog question you idiot we're just still on the podcast James sorry I I I do enjoy it like uh you know you know big tit porn you know very much that's not what I'm fat guys that just have ginormous tits I'm gay oh you're gay are you really gay that makes you that much more interesting if you are are you does it [ __ ] are you James look at me my eyes James James are you gay well hold that thing we'll be right back and everybody there he goes with the mic in the mic stand you're a horrible interview you're so annoying super annoying don't shake these people's hands at him don't shake no more handshaking for you try to be supportive [Music] time do we start let's let's keep it moving here so many catchphrases though Hunter Carney is next Hunter Carney somebody getting Hunter Carney Hunter Carney the show's going a little long red band wants to end it should we keep going [Applause] this is also a good chance for me to tell you that I can't tell you why but I will tell the fans watching around the world all of you that complain about not being able to get a ticket to kill Tony we're not doing the road so that's something to keep in mind to see this show you have to come to Austin Texas is a business decision that I made with my own brain I'm gonna do stand up I'm announcing a huge tour the second half of this year but kill Tony is here in Austin and some inside information that I will tell you is to clear your schedule for New Year's Eve New Year's Eve we might have enough space for you to buy a ticket and see a show why not plan a little vacation after you deal with your family all Christmas that entire week why not treat yourself you might want to be in Austin on New Year's Eve announcement coming in a month or two that you're not gonna [ __ ] believe Hunter Carney is next on kill Tony you guys still having fun out there how many you like when comedians do good on this show how many Lego Wing comedians do bad on the show [Applause] one more time for Hunter Carney everybody [Music] yeah how's everybody doing tonight you guys good so my name is Hunter Carney and I realize that my name is two redneck professions put back to back the college wasn't gonna be you know what I mean like like for [ __ ] sake my name should have just been rat tail you'll be like hey y'all my name's rat Taylor it's my little brother ketchup catch up here he's never met a black person before like if you put my name on a record player and you hit forward he goes Hunter Michael Carney put it in reverse he goes Billy Ray Cyrus Hunter Michael monster truck Madness Brigham Mountain Dew can get in for Hunter Mike sweet home you get it you get it you get it so I had three uh three babysitters growing up I had a stepdad a WWF Monday Night Raw and a bottle of Nyquil we'd be watching wrestling and uh we'd be watching wrestling and I'd be like can we change the channel my stepdad would be saying no and I would say wine he would say because Stone Cold said so ladies and gentlemen my name is Hunter Carney thank you guys so much sir Kearney I like it 45 seconds worth of jokes on your name all went super smooth and a little bit more about your actual life I also was partly raised by Monday Night Raw it was it was no joke I grew up in a trailer park uh not the whole time but it was a hefty amount enough I was it was just a little kid with dirty feet and Big Dreams I guess it'd be incredible and look at you now how old are you I am 37 years old 37 years old how long you been doing stand-up uh five years now five years where at I did four years in Denver at The Comedy Works in that area great place the birthplace of uh the first Club of William Montgomery the great Sam Talent was just in town Sam Talent was my first ever Open Mic actually at the Squire there and I signed up he was the host he was the host yeah and then he didn't put me up because he because because he got too drunk and he was literally like yeah I don't know I didn't even know you were a [ __ ] comic and I was like I just didn't even know because I didn't know what to do yeah okay yeah and then I then I spent two years in La which was a huge [ __ ] mistake what two years was that what was that window June 2020. oh yeah that would be the worst yeah yeah it's funny that's when me and red band planned our Great Escape we're literally like wow we've been here for two decades we have to get the [ __ ] out of here yeah where in uh tell me exactly where you moved to in June of 2020 in L.A I I literally very well yeah I live basically in little Armenia it's a one of the 101 in Vermont right Hollywood yeah yeah I'm together and and uh it was me and uh the gang members there right uh comedian I don't have any money right so yeah strangely enough that was one of the safest places during that time in LA because all the nice places got [ __ ] vandalized yeah yeah there was no there's no cops there's Mo there's some shootings but nothing too crazy nothing at me so right so June 2020 you spend two years there tell us about those two years in Los Angeles uh I tried to explain to these people who lived a perfect life during that time period oh there's a lot of Domino's pizza and a lot of that you were delivering or no ordering oh No Just ordering I was it was that was a steady diet I uh basically I got the this is so [ __ ] embarrassing I got the a little bit of the acting bug inside of the comedy so I went there and every single agent was like um [ __ ] you and I was like okay I guess I got to get the [ __ ] out of here so well what were you doing that prompted that uh response from them uh just just sending emails with headshots and doing all this [ __ ] you're supposed to do and they were like [ __ ] nope he was 35 years old and interesting Adam Ray is a professional actor yeah it's a grind you know you got to keep at it what was this the look that you were submitting uh no I I there's nothing wrong with this first House Collection oh this is my food truck look no I [ __ ] um it's where I work now but like I know I had like all the all the makeup and all the [ __ ] that you're supposed to do I had I had like the level I don't put I don't yeah I mean unless I get the job I'm putting yeah so bad I had the [ __ ] like leather coat with the and then like military fatigue headshot was that you or were you trying to be like what you thought an actor was that's yeah that second one yeah for sure so you would so this if we were buying what was your name again Hunter that's right so we were buying the hunter Carney action figure this is what we would get yeah and it would come with a food truck yeah for sure but this wardrobe like the hey hey like uh what was the guy who just was up who told us he was gay kind of what was his name uh James Fagan James Fagan so like so I feel like you would sell the porns to James Fagan 100 if I were casting a movie you have like video store Vibes right now all right yeah yeah yeah yeah for sure so maybe you got to lean more into like what you are too because your Vibe too again like you've got good energy you're very uh comfortable so like you know I could see you in a clerks type remake you know absolutely yeah but not a leather jacket you were trying to be Danny Zuko but yeah I had the worst head shots they were saying the guy was like these are [ __ ] great and I looked at him afterwards and I was like God damn it right but yeah I knew that that was not going to be okay so Hunter let's talk about this uh you're 37 years old what do you do for work I work in a food truck you are the Cook you're the you take the orders you cook the food yeah is it a specific food truck worth plugging or you oh yeah I work in the all the it's the ziki food trucks oh man wow you could have said anything else yeah excited literally the only food truck in this city that I don't like but I don't wanna it's your job yeah no way yeah right now it's a survival very inconsistent it's yeah yeah there's yeah it's yeah there's nothing I can't I got nothing for that you work the late shift there uh yeah you owe me a [ __ ] Euro by the way oh well then you literally do I ordered a bucket is one of the only like 3 A.M 4 a.m food trucks out there right what time do you guys close yeah 3am yeah and so uh one time I put an order in there and then they they said they were on their way and then they just said yeah they just closed the thing in my face even though the I saw the order through the window was that you do you remember no I only work in the morning so I don't let them I don't let them steal my nights I'm like [ __ ] that smart man okay so Hunter uh what do you do for fun you're 37 years old how long ago did you move to Austin uh I've been here for about eight months now so just doing a lot a lot of open mics um music what kind of music do you do what are we talking about uh I also I own a music studio in Denver so I did a lot do you play music uh yeah I do I play I play drums I don't need I mean yeah I play drums do you really play drum how long have you played drums for uh I played I play it's weird I play on and off and I was also like kind of Studio like a studio musician how long have you played drums for like five years probably five years is a pretty long time should we have a Mexican drama he's wiping his hands folks he's a very humble drummer let's see what happens here now Hunter I don't know how well you know the show but there is a chance right now we've had this tradition forever all time the drummers are undefeated the resident drummer but if you beat him in a drum solo competition which the audience decides I don't even decide you would think it's an inside job every time we've done this the crowd decides if you win you become the full-time drummer every episode of kill Tony that includes every Monday here at the mothership the ACL Live Theater June 10th and other massive fun things coming up that I can't even talk about but you want to win this the crowd decides okay also not only do you get Michael's shot but a part of the catch of this is that if you win he has to take your job working at a food truck oh perfect yeah okay he's literally a professional drummer so it would be a huge step down for him he travels the world with some of the best musicians on the planet the last thing he wants to do is work in a food truck get back there Hunter ladies and gentlemen this is a Mexican drama [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] with his attempt at the drama ladies and gentlemen defending his throne Hunter why don't you just stand next to Michael between stand between Michael and D Madness there so that the camera can see what the [ __ ] about to go down [Applause] that's fine ladies and gentlemen defending his throne undefeated all time the reigning defending kill Tony drummer and the backbone of the band with a little drum solo for you hoping to come out with another win tonight this is Michael Gonzalez [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] oh wow a standing ovation all right well Hunter I have good news at this part you still have a chance how many of you have Hunter Carney winning the Mexican drum off they don't yeah how many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning that the tradition stands still undefeated Michael Gonzalez but that was fun did you feel good about that Hunter and it was I haven't touched a drum set in like a year so that was a little bit rough but fun but fun all right that's fun that's how it starts Adam what do you think about all this yeah uh incredible so look I want to say real quick I uh I'm just I'm still uh kind of awestrucking at your uh your acting attempt in LA and then you moved out here and uh but I just want to tell you you know it's uh coming from someone who's done you know a handful of things but still grinding not exactly still work where I want to you know end up but it's always a continuous grind uh it's all about opportunities right so I'd love to give you an opportunity right now to audition for a film that I'm actually uh working on right now if you guys would like to see uh Hunter's live audition yeah a live audition this sounds oh [ __ ] okay if we could dim the lights put a spotlight on Hunter and Brian could you give me some like Schindler's List and credits type uh yeah just some real sweet 100 the audition though it's you have to improvise a monologue okay uh and uh you there's three things uh this the film it's the uh James Pagan Story the comic who is just up here um and yeah I just decided I'm gonna write that movie tonight and and you have to uh do a little monologue right you can pull from wherever you want hopefully you were hearing some of the tidbits James with Sharon um and I want you to didn't hear a thing that's fine even better improvise the whole thing just think about struggle and strife and and and from Rags to Riches that's what the story is but you got to include three phrases for me okay I'll do one more Shaboom boom and [ __ ] my ass I'll do one more okay I'll do one more Shaboom boom and [ __ ] my ass and then whatever else you want to say about anything dude and you gotta do it to the audience like they're the camera and you gotta [ __ ] mean it Hunter I want to see some real passion in you yeah you have to get into the headspace Adam is done film he's on NBC let me get how about this let me give you the intro I'll be the movie trailer and you can just come in in between okay this summer find out what happens what a young man who isn't sure if he's gay or not moves to Austin Texas dad [Music] I'll do I'll do one more I'll do one more he was a man of few words he sweated too much but he wore the same shirt every day he was consistent he loved to go bowling a hobby he just picked up duh dad every time you win bowling you scream [ __ ] my ass and I don't like it this film has not yet been rated all right not bad I think all right yeah he got it wow congrats man you gotta stick with it you gotta stick with it baby Hunter Carney congratulations very very fun I'm gonna give you a big joke book too sweet a lot up here tonight congratulations there he goes Hunter Carney everybody [Applause] you guys ready to put a ribbon on this [ __ ] or what did you guys have fun here tonight or what oh wow wow wow wow there's only one way to end an episode like this ladies and gentlemen this guy I do believe is uh I mean just flourishing right now he's off coming off of six sold out shows here on this main stage this weekend opening for the great Harlan Williams uh he works every single weekend with me with Duncan Trussell Tom Segura Joe Rogan here in Austin all over the road when we met him five years ago he was a sloppy red swollen dilapidated Coke addicted meatball and now he is absolutely thriving I do believe he might have one of the red might have the second or third most spots ever at this club the most spots ever in Kill Tony history ladies and gentlemen this is the Memphis Strangler The Big Red Machine William Montgomery [Applause] oh [Applause] okay shut it down the other day they added another letter to lgbtq and then added a mathematical sign I'm sorry are we talking about sexual orientations or my Wi-Fi password [Applause] I was driving yesterday and noticed a flag at half mast so I did a little research to see what had happened and oh boy did you all realize Steve Irwin was dead y'all know I'd be missing crocodile dude [Applause] so I'm coming out with a new television show it's pretty much just like shark tank but the sharks are actual sharks and the tank is filled with water soon Narcan will be available over the counter and I just have to say I can't wait to overdose on that [ __ ] all righty that's my time wow how powerful coming out to withstanding ovation in extremely electric response from the audience who knows you who loves you so much so that you had to tell them to shut it down so that you could start your set absolutely incredible jokes the whole way through that only William could write and read off of a note card absolutely incredible performance the electricity is Flowing he's eyeballing the audience we've seen this before folks we've seen him he is in his element this is him in the zone this is his house he closes every episode this is the spot that we are in right now oh he just snapped yeah I snapped out of it I don't know what happened there wow I mean you were in it there for a second how do you feel William an unbelievable set I'm doing pretty good I'm doing for the first time tomorrow night two shows in Nashville a rare longer set so Tony I have uh been super on edge this whole past week and the only thing getting me through it honestly I mean my stress level has been through the loop it's in a little city called Paris France but Tony there's only been one thing getting me through can I play you a song I've I wrote a song that's really just helped me get through this past week the anticipation leading up till tomorrow I mean amazing for a guy that has done more sets on this show brought to you by the red rose and the yellow Rosen gel Blaster then anybody else be careful with the [ __ ] yellow rose almost got stabbed there the other night oh wow no I get it good [Music] you are a wild boy now we have seen more sets out of you than any other human in the history of the show and somehow you come out guns ablazon every week this is special you've literally never played music for us before this is unbelievable what's happening are you gonna sing as well or do you just play the keyboard we'll know Tony again I am just so horribly on edge about the coming shows tomorrow night and the only thing two sold out shows in his hometown of Nashville at the one of truly the best comedy clubs in the world foreign all right [Music] [Laughter] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you okay y'all are gonna have to stop [ __ ] playing they can't hear this song you don't want them to play along with you no I've spent a lot of [ __ ] time on this song you can't hear it when y'all are playing [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] it's actually not bad at all [Applause] [Music] let's take it back to the 18th Century Fox [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] laughs [Music] [Applause] foreign [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] this is what you have to do when you only have 25 minutes of material and you have to do an hour-long set in Nashville tomorrow night yeah it's gonna be a whole lot of this [ __ ] you Nashville [Applause] oh my God oh my God wait Adam can you do one of those movie things for me please oh that was so much no everybody wants Aquino can we get some of that cinematic lighting you had earlier by the way William [ __ ] murdered all weekend with Harlan Williams this guy's gonna be a future legendary future Legend right here I'm so fun watching you man you're a great deal Tony you've literally gotten to watch a [ __ ] absolute sloppy mess turn into a [ __ ] cold-blooded okay what do you want to do what do you want to do you want me to just no I'm still a sloppy mess I'm back on Viagra oh [Applause] can we dim the lights on William again get a little Spotlight actually going what are you back on I'm back on Viagra dude I have a penis thing this summer this summer one man was looking to fix his penis thing y'all know I need help with my time he needed help with his thing and help was on the way there's something really wrong down there with my thumb identify what was wrong with his thing but he was determined to solve the mystery yeah I mean it's getting to be a real problem there's warts there's TMI [Music] his stock go ahead but but I'm optimistic now that I'm back on Viagra the glass was half full because Viagra had saved the day and hopefully his relationship but who knows Laura Dern stars as William Montgomery in my thing my friend wow wow I've been literally crying for like eight minutes up here this is an incredible performance tonight will and I love Laura Dern it's so fun you said Laura Dern I loved her ass into Jurassic Park [Applause] wow wow what a what a believable performance by The Big Red Machine himself is this keyboard thing something that you're thinking about doing more often well it's something I did I don't know 15 years ago probably and then my old one broke so I actually got this one on eBay and then I was worried it wasn't gonna come in by uh by today pretty much since I'm leaving tomorrow so I bought another one on eBay so when I got back to my apartment earlier I had two of these things on my door and they're each [ __ ] 700 a piece I mean this is a collector's no I'm kidding but this one has a jingle inside but yeah I have two of these [ __ ] things now so now I have three of these so it's so it's gonna be a thing I'm gonna start maybe exclusively using that so we'll see that is very exciting I'm sure a lot of the fans out there oh they're already covering your song oh Jesus honestly it's already not as good y'all don't even need to try you do you know how to play the song that he played hey what it was more than that yeah I can't even try come on William William you think they're ever you think they're ever gonna stop uh I don't think they're ever gonna stop cause they're not as good at it who's better than you man nobody's better than me especially now that I'm on Viagra how much do you love Viagra I actually hate it it's a really it's a struggle in my life I have a really big problem with it so it's my blood pressure really high his blood pressure was out of control foreign but I love Viagra so but he was addicted to the game [Music] stuck in my head how about one more time for one of the by far Legends of kill Tony William Montgomery Crossing healthy touring selling out hello can this place get for my guests I tried to warn you had a break his new special reap of room is on YouTube his podcast about last night Ketchum on NBC's young Rock how about one more time for the goddamn Best Damn Band in the land the kill Tony Band Tyrell Shaheed Paul Diemer on the horns Michael Gonzalez on the drums the madness on the base John B's on the keys and Matt muelling on the electric guitar the drawing from Ryan J E belt is in the great Adam Ray this episode and let's see the drawing from local artist Chris Rogers art Austin's own with an unbelievable picture I asked him with lines of cocaine incredible local Legend follow him at Chris Rogers Art thank you again to our newest sponsor prize picks get the app prize picks and you can have a lot of fun go download it today and play with us make sure to use promo code Tony when you sign up for an instant deposit match thank you to the red rose the Yellow Rose Austin security guard service Joe Blaster and of course screwball peanut butter whiskey love you guys we love you thank you so much good night everybody [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] um foreign [Music] [Music] [Music]

Channel: Kill Tony

Views: 1,769,228

Keywords: Kill, Tony, podcast, Comedy, Store, Belly, Room, Hollywood, stand, up, comedian, comedy, jokes, panel, one, minute, cat, angry, west, bear, Hinchcliffe, Brian, Redban

Id: nwXSS0wBsFA

Length: 116min 7sec (6967 seconds)

Published: Tue May 09 2023