[Dunk] Okay. The first game in the storyline is
Kingdom Hearts χ which was a free-to-play web browser game that came out 11 years after the first game, but then it shut down in 2016. Your quest is to go around collecting Lux particles until you are powerful enough to fight Lord Darkball. Meanwhile... in a dream sequence, you are introduced to the master, who is a character that doesn't matter. The master entrusts his prized pupil
"Hood Meister" with a mysterious box and sends him into the desert. His other pupils, known as
The Five Wise Men then used the Book of Prophecies to go into the future and cast a magic spell, in order to save the world from darkness. Soon afterwards, the Five Wise Men turn on each other because of a cat, plunging their armies into conflict and consequently ending the entire world. [Ira] "I take it you're talking about Kingdom Hearts." [Dunk] It's a browser game! So obviously, it's gonna be a little light on the story. Thankfully, they released a tie-in movie, four years later, on the Kingdom Hearts 2.8 Collection called "Kingdom Hearts χ Back Cover" which explains everything. [Master] "You need to pass down that keyblade..." "to your apprentice..." "and then him to his,
so that my eye can see the future" [Dunk] See?
Now it all makes sense! The next game is
Kingdom Hearts Birth by Sleep which was released on the PSP three years prior to Kingdom Hearts χ. You play as Ventus, who is actually one half of an all-powerful Keyblade called the χ-blade. He is manipulated by the Sith Lord,
Xehanort, who wishes to combine him with his counterpart Vanitas, so that he can unlock Kingdom Hearts and start an apocalyptic Keyblade War. In order to become young again, Xehanort takes this guy's body, but fails, but becomes young anyway, then his memory is erased and he is found by Ansem the Wise, before the game even started. Okay? Meanwhile... Ventus is engaged in a metaphysical battle against it's other half who seeks to control him from within his own arm. The battle is lost, but at the last second, he shoots his heart power into the Zone of the Enders, where Sora absorbs his light ball into himself. Which leads us into
Kingdom Hearts 1.5 Final Mix. You play as Sora, Goofy and Donald Duck as they attempt to save the Seven Disney Princesses, each who represent a shard of the χ-blade, which is comprised of twenty shards in total and isn't made by merging THESE GUYS anymore because that game was FAKE and actually, an elaborate dream sequence, had by Tigger. Turns out... Sora's friend, Riku, is actually possessed by Ansem, who is actually Xehanort that got transformed into a Shadow Man three hundred years ago. Not to be confused with Ansem the Wise, who was a different guy and he's dead now. But not actually...
Okay? In order to defeat Ansem, Sora has to unlock his own heart with the Keyblade which, in turn, creates a clone of himself called Roxas. Now, this is where
Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days, for the Nintendo DS, comes in... Roxas is recruited by Xemnas into the Council of Shadows, whose goal is to summon Kingdom Hearts, which is a video game for the PlayStation 2. He then falls into a coma setting the stage for
Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories for the Game Boy Advance. During this, there was also a third game playing out called Kingdom Hearts 0.2 Birth by Sleep - A Fragmentary Passage for the PlayStation 4. You see, there are now five different versions of the main character Sora. The fourth being an imperfect replica of the third version, Roxas, and the fifth, Data-Sora, who was created by Mickey Mouse in a phone game called "Kingdom Hearts coded" [Goofy] "Gawrsh!" However... We find out during an introductory sequence in Kingdom Hearts 2 that Roxas was merely the video game persona of Sora, who was unwittingly trapped inside of a computer simulation. It is then revealed that Xemnas is actually Ansem, who is actually one of two evil Xehanort clones. Neither of which are this Ansem, who is now referred to as "DiZ". On top of this... there is also a third Xehanort clone called Xenodouglas, who is a younger version from an alternate timeline. He then conspires with his own self to go back in time and create a second Council of Shadows, consisting of 13 different Xehanort clones which, when merged, would recreate the χ-blade, which could then be used to unlock the mysterious box, re-summoning the master, who is actually the ultimate puppeteer and true antagonist of the entire series... Pumbaa from The Lion King. You see, turns out... Eeyore... [Outro]
Just a reminder Kingdom Hearts only exists because a Japanese businessman from Square Enix and Japanese bussinessman from Disney got in an elevator together and went
"Hey man I really like Disney movies!"
"Cool, I really like Square Enix games!"
"You know we've never worked together!"
"We should work together!"
"Let's make this work!"
Oh I get it now
I'll probably play KH3 and love it. With that said, it's disappointing knowing that I'll be completely lost since I've only played 1 and 2.
I've never played kingdom hearts, does dunkey speak some truth or is it entirely satire?
All i wanted to do on the first game was meet the Disney characters.
Finally ready for kingdom hearts 4. Bring it on Kojima you slimy fuck.
I love how convoluted and confusing this mess is without even getting to KH1 and 2.
As someone who hasn't played the games I have no idea how much of that was bullshit.
I'm going with all of it but can't be too sure.
It all makes sense now! Thank Dunkey!