KEEP YOUR DISTANCE COMEDY SHOW VOL2. TACARRA WILLIAMS

[Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] um cut the cut that was some sad ass music just fix the mic interchangeable music what's going on guys i am so excited to be here oh my god if we could curse look at god i didn't even know this was gonna be possible um i ran here i had a show at magic castle uh in hollywood and it was a dope show uh but it made me realize how grateful i am to have a boyfriend i'm gonna say that throughout the whole show because i just got him i'm gonna mention that every five minutes i'm like and then i got a boyfriend and then um because women act like we don't need men we need men we need you today i wrote in on the exit like i came in on the exit came through the spikes on the ground the security didn't even know what to do they came up to me and was like you all right i said yeah why he said cause you rode in on the spikes i was like oh [ __ ] there was spikes there i thought i was just hitting a little dip or something like that everybody with me in the car we all jumping up and down making noise and yelling i came in on the spikes i didn't realize i needed a man until i was at the gas station with my boyfriend and i got out and he was like what are you doing he said i said getting gas he was like you're not gonna cut the car off i was like oh we got to cut the car off now and then we start cutting cars off again he was like you never caugh i said i've been driving 20 years this car been on every single time i said you won't blow [ __ ] up i said i didn't even know that you had to cut the car off i'm excited to be on stage right now this is exciting for me because coronavirus has been tearing me up like i just learned a lot of stuff like i learned sangria is a fruit i learned that you can have it with your breakfast i didn't know that i didn't realize how dumb i was i had to homeschool my own kids it's just really really bad in my house i didn't realize my 15-year-old can't wash dishes like she washed it with cold water it's cold water just oil on every goddamn thing i didn't realize during this pandemic how annoyed i am at forgetting my mask in the car you ever go into the store and you realize you don't have your mask you don't even say like this sometimes because now they got security at every supermarket every store before you walk in they go hey your mask but sometimes you slip past security because they ain't paying attention and then you got everybody looking at you crazy because you ain't got no mask on let me forget my mask in the car one more time we ain't eating today i don't give a [ __ ] if if i don't care if i'm going to the supermarket we're just not going to eat today if i forget my mask i don't care if my daughter is having her monthly she doesn't have to bleed this [ __ ] out i'm not going back in the supermarket if i forget my mask one more time i'm sick and tired of the mask i'm sick and tired of this covered 19. i'm just sick and tired but i'm happy i got a boyfriend now look like that's cool i got tired of being single i got a 19 year old kid got a whole girlfriend you know how messed up it is to watch your 19 year old in a relationship don't pay no bills in the house and you and they're just lonely just trying to figure it out he got a full-on girlfriend and you just sitting at the table just watching them hug and stuff like oh one day one day it'll be my turn one day because he used to hate on me on social media my 19 year old i'll be on social media living my life i'll go live everybody in here know if you follow me i go live i like to be live when i go live i'm cute as soon as i go live i was single the men they jump in the comments quick ladies know when you live the men they come in hey beautiful with your fine self you look like you need a vacation as a matter of fact a vacation five star restaurant on me anything you need on me you look like you need infinity pools i'll take you i got you i'm there here come my son in the comments on my live on my instagram with my friends here come chase in my comments wow that's crazy dudes out here inviting you out to eat the five-star restaurants and we ain't even had no food in the house yet wow [Applause] that's crazy the other dude said infinity pool on him and my little sister ain't even take her bath yet wow maybe i know me knowing petty my son go live and his girlfriend ain't live they on his instagram hey live they got 900 people on they live they live i'm petty snuck right on up in that instagram in the comments they talking about something they love each other hashtag anniversary you ever been on a live with teenagers it's the dumbest [ __ ] you ever watched in your life they celebrating a two-year anniversary all you see in the live is yes girl you better get it girl yes hashtag black love hashtag love hashtag blessings hashtag future hashtag marriage i split right on up in the comments wow that's crazy because then you had a little girl dominique over here yesterday chase wow that's crazy you all hugged up on that girl and you ain't wash your ass all week chase wow that's crazy he come running in my room he's like why are you doing that for i was like i don't get no ass you don't get no ass you started you know right you started this we was cool you did this to us because at my age you see that i attract real old men or real young men real old or real young when i say old i mean oh i'm talking full linen suits with socks and sandals like that kind of the kind of old they call you baby girl he don't care what your real name is you just baby girl the kind of old man that you find in places that you need a man i'm at the gas station pumping my gas here come clyde clyde got on a full red linen suit white socks white sandals he come walking up to me hey now all right okay all right and older man that's their favorite thing to do this is their favorite thing to do an older man that's they fake they hit this lean back come on now all right look at you look at you all right look at this okay baby girl let me know let me ask you a question now you're being a little living on the edge now i said excuse me well you got your car running now it's dangerous out here you got the car running home you're so beautiful let me ask you a question why are you out here pumping your gas by yourself don't make no sense to me a beautiful woman like you out here pumping your gas by yourself look at this here god damn look at you i was honest i said i just um i'm in a situation that right now that requires me to uh to pump my gas by myself i got nothing he said oh what's wrong with you crazy or something i said a little bit he said well come on now that's just the way i like them now don't play with me now older men always two stepping older men always doing this here don't matter ain't even no music playing they always hit this that's how an older man walk up to you oh right now come on now girl look at you now come on look at this he said baby girl i want to tell you something i said sir i'm okay he said come on i don't be like that you're afraid of little old me come on now look at you you look like you could take me if you wanted to and i would let you i never gonna fight you girl [Applause] talk to me let me talk to you i said i said say yes he go lean in i said i said no i don't want to lean in he said come on come on i want to talk to you to lean in i said yes older men take pride in this i just want to go ahead and let you know that all all my kids is growing you hear what i said come on did you hear what i said baby girl all my kids is grown honey i'm retired i got a little bit of money in my pocket what you're trying to do huh come on now i said sir if you don't get your old ass off my face i'm lying i gave him my number i did i did i came to him i did i had to he was gonna take me out jesus i gave it to him and talking to clyde through text was fine we didn't have no problems it didn't get weird till i called him because he had a bluetooth in each ear he didn't know which one to answer he just yelling hello i said hello hello i said i said i said hello come on these buttons too goddamn small i can't hear you hello i said hello he go there yes there you ate there you go now all right i said how you doing today clyde he said well she want better now i get to talk to my baby girl now come on he said baby girl i want to do something nice for you i said okay he said why don't you all pick pick something nice to do i said we can go to dinner he said well shootout ain't nothing i'm not gonna feed y'all and do that i said okay he said what time is good for dinner for you i said okay let me think um between the kids and shows i'm thinking we could do dinner around around eight o'clock he said in the night time ain't nobody going to win no goddamn eight or eight o'clock at night he started yelling at me that's what's wrong with your young kids you want to hang out on times of the goddamn night no eight o'clock at night ain't nobody outside know eight o'clock at night but hoes and heathens i'm not gonna be outside no goddamn eight o'clock at night you ever had somebody talk about you like you wasn't standing like you wasn't on the phone and the [ __ ] gonna tell me eight o'clock at night wrong with hushy crazy or eight o'clock i said why don't why don't we all just calm down just take a breath deep breath in and out relax all calm okay your blood brush your fitness spike honey calm down i said why don't you choose he go i could choose i said you could choose he said anything i want to do with you i said well not anything you want to do with me if you could pick something that makes sense well sure right let me think okay then all right think about it okay let me go ahead and think about this now i got to figure it out oh i know what i could take you to breakfast i said okay breakfast okay that sounds fine yeah i'm going to take you to breakfast it's okay he said what time is good for breakfast for you i said we're not gonna do that again um what time is good for breakfast for you shoot let me think okay breakfast with my baby girl okay let me think about this okay now okay wait now all right now see i wake up at 3 30 i got to get up first oh i got it i think i'm taking you back to take your breakfast around six o'clock i'm like in the morning clyde right after i get my car wash the senior citizens discount go scoop you up and take you out i said clyde i'm not going to goddamn breakfast no six o'clock in the morning clyde i'm lying i went boiled eggs all morning my feet was hurting he let me ride on his wheelchair let me get on the back push me around i had a good time i had a good time i really did it's a good guy but then i had a point like after i got divorced i was like let me try this cougar life i dated a 20 year old terrible he don't know nothing about nothing went on a date with him 20 years or had no business going on a date with this kid took him to brentwood to i picked theater i paid for it because he was still in school so i don't mind stop judging me that's what cougars do right i paid for it take him to the movie theater he never been to a dr like a dining movie he don't know it's nice he never been there he don't know nothing he started panicking as soon as we walk in the door he like yo this is really nice in here i'm like calm down the lady gets us in the movie theater she seats us we sit in our little leather seat soon as we walk in he see the seat he start feeling on him he like yo this is leather leather this is crazy right here look at this i'm like hey hey stop it stop it sit down i turn it to a mother you know your mother when you bite your teeth [ __ ] your goddamn ass down right now he sit down i sit down i take my shoes off i put the blanket on over me i press my button my seat start to go back he start to panic oh where you going where are you going i said you know we'll get your book bag let's go let's go let's go i'm not doing this with you today you go home i'm not going to tolerate this i'm not going to do this with you today my feet ashy as hell i was going lotion but i didn't because i learned the hard way not to do that because when you lotion your feet and you got on open toe shoes i did that one day i was rushing to this comedy show and i'm in the car and i'm like oh my god i looked at my feet i was like hey that's ashy let me dab that real quick i'm going to dab that with lotion messed around lotion my whole foot when i tell you it was a peep toe shoe and only two toes was supposed to show the hole this big only two toes supposed to come through only two toes hold this big two toes when i tell you all five of my toes was through the front of this goddamn hole this was my feet in the shoe just holding on to the ground just struggling shaking my foot shaking you know it's bad when that baby toe come out when the baby toe come out the front it's over just let your feet just let them go at that point are we trying to eat healthier that's hard to do because kids got good snacks like i got kids in my house you ever bought yourself something healthy and everybody in the house eat the healthy stuff and leave you with everything else like this say no sugar no calorie no nothing y'all gonna eat that and leave all the twinkies cereals out i bought raisin bran y'all gonna eat all this raisin bread and leave me with these fruity pebbles and frosted flakes and twinkie cereals and my 19 year old got a girlfriend i didn't realize that him dating was gonna cost me so much money like this [ __ ] is expensive when you teach your kid to be a gentleman and you ain't got nobody i started dating this guy i love like i really really really really like this guy and one of the things i like about him he smelled good man you gotta smell good for your ladies some of y'all don't be smelling good for your ladies some of y'all be smelling good for your goddamn ladies like i don't want to i had a guy was dating this guy he did not smell good i told him i said hey man i like man that smell real good he was like no doubt i got you he gonna go get some cologne pick me up from the airport i didn't even know he had on club i'm like thanks dude for picking me up i got to get in the car he like you don't smell that i'm like i smell lax i don't really smell nothing else he's like you don't smell that i got on cologne i'm like what smell me right here i said if i got to come to your neck to smell you then he had dreads too i'm not letting against anybody with dreads but come on fam when calf got dressed i didn't know what to do i was like come on caleb let's listen please don't use black castor oil honey please jesus just just it stink and stink i don't care what nobody say it smells terrible black castor oil smells bad and he didn't wash his hair for like three months at a time and i was just like i can't date you anymore he said why i said this is just not we're not compatible and he said why i was like it's just reasons because you know women we don't want to be mean and he had an attitude he was like you can't just tell me why you don't want to date me i'm like you stink bro your hair don't smell nice i don't want to hug you and smell sweat and it's just nasty to me i need you to smell good i need you to be tall and i need some salt and pepper in your face i like salt and pepper these [ __ ] with the salt and pepper they got their face y'all fellas keep keep dying it's like dying of [ __ ] we like give us that little bit of wisdom let us think you know something give it to us y'all out here dying you know how crazy you look sitting there with a little scarf on your neck dying your [ __ ] stop dying that's for me that's for us not for you i went full grade to show the man be great it's okay we love it i just put wax in my hair and just let it be gray so y'all could be comfortable with being gray be great kev tony you got gray you got beat gray let these these hollywood people if they want you they gonna be like we want you we're gonna have to dye this real quickly but be great the women we love it we love that stop being scared when we run up behind y'all to hug y'all we're not trying to get y'all in your booties like we just want to hug y'all i can't say you ever walk up behind a man that's just hugging hey hey my boyfriend turned around so easy he was like [ __ ] you trying to do back there i said i just want to hug you i don't play that [ __ ] back there we just want to hug you oh i just got off the phone with my daughter she mad at me uh because she said i ain't buy no food today for the house um because i didn't because i left my mask in the car and when i went back to the car i just went the [ __ ] home like i'm not going back and she's like one of those whiny 50 year olds we don't even have any food in the house we don't even have any real food in the house we don't like we have food but we don't have like food food in the house and real food to my daughter is anything microwavable we don't have any white castles burgers we don't have any tostinos pizza roll i'm like why you just can't say pizza roll why you gotta be tostinos pizza roll we don't have any hot pockets i'm like you don't have any jobs okay get your ass go take that some turkey wings out and put them in a goddamn crock pot like you all right cooking some turkey wings at your age you fine i was doing it when i was eight you'll be fine cause kids are spoiled i remember half the stuff my kids get now i never got that [ __ ] growing up you know my kids get now that i never got to make a decision like you get to make a decision you have several kinds of cereal that you want to eat several kinds of cereal on top of the fridge we had one and it was no frills it was so no feel so bad you ain't even know it was in the box so you opened the box you didn't know what you was gonna get from this no-filled cereal in the box wait until you open the box my kids got decisions bougie to say we don't want whole milk we want almonds melt i'm one of those parents who always got to tell her what i had you want almond milk cause i remember i had sugar water that's what i was eating but hey you all want some almond milk i can't stand them i really can't i don't like my little one the most she's sick i can't stand her ass cause she honest she be saying some [ __ ] up [ __ ] to me i remember i was in my bathroom and my bedroom taking a shower i come out the shower she's standing there i'm bad ass naked she's just standing there she gonna look me up and down and go ill [Laughter] i said what she goes ill i said why would you say something that well because you know your body's just really really big you have a really big body like my body's really small casey's body she's really small but your body is a really really big body i sat there in front of her face and ate a whole pack of her oreos i don't give a [ __ ] this body won't kick it oh my goodness okay my thighs are touching um it's uncomfortable people think being thick is fun this this is a job i like when i see skinny women get thick and they know they thought it was gonna touch they'd be mad i could tell they ain't know they thought touch because they have a dress on they came outside with a dress on and then by the end of the night they walk in like this [Music] i'm like what's wrong my thoughts they touching they like talking to each other i don't know what to do thick life is difficult being heavy is difficult ladies you ever got scooped you ever had your man scoop you huh you even got scooch you know what that mean that mean when a man just pick you up underneath and just move you your whole body just i got scooped the other day i ain't even know what to do i'm in a bag with my boyfriend and i was he was like you too high up in the bed i'm like i'm comfortable he was like you go just move down he put his hand underneath me right here picked up my body with one hand and just shifted me down this way he looked back down at me i was like this i don't even want no more kids i started thinking about what my kids was gonna look like with him i was like we would have some beautiful ass kids and we just you plus size and you get scooped girl girl i got he need to take a deep breath melissa he just normally when a guy pick you up people like all right oh and he left you and he picked you up he didn't even take a deep breath he just yeah i was like this ah i almost asked him to marry me i'm like will you marry me if you can that's my dream to get picked up he picked me i remember one day he just picked me up i was walking he just said ah and put me back down i said why would you do that he said just so you know i can i said oh stop we are outside okay um you can't wait to get up here and clean this mic off you shaking and [ __ ] look at your hand twitching and he's like i gotta go to work i gotta go to work i gotta work i gotta work um [Music] [Applause] all right my name is nicara williams thank you bye

Channel: Tacarra Williams

Views: 524,015

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Id: 7o95TxV5On8

Length: 21min 55sec (1315 seconds)

Published: Tue May 04 2021