Joe Rogan tells Funny Stories from Growing Up

hello freak [ __ ] yeah you know that what that guy's going through right now the renter he's like in the groove and the other guys where I go to pony [ __ ] that he do and just shits on his rant when she got hit a farm when one guy just starts talking over the other guy yeah they lift on their toes and get louder and louder yeah because there's a chick there and they're trying to score that's the worst you ever have a friend that would insult you and girls were wrong oh yeah whoo I had a friend [ __ ] knock me down once with we runs well there was a nice there was a lake near my house growing up and we used to skate there it was [ __ ] unbelievable I grew up in Tarrytown New York and we had this reservoir that actually feeds New York City it's like the main reservoir for the water drinking water in New York City and so it would freeze in the winter and then they had this Shack this big [ __ ] wooden shack twice the size of this room and it had benches and it had a little snack bar hot chocolate and hot dogs online then you go outside and there's like a wooden wooden steps going down into the lake with telephone poles they put in this a big [ __ ] Lake telephone poles around half the circumference of the lake with spotlights and radio speakers and they would crank [ __ ] pop music and you'd go out there until 11 o'clock at night we'd hide six-packs in the snow on the banks of the lake we go after we're in seventh and eighth grade drinking a couple beers hitting on chicks and so I'm out there one night and then during the day we play hockey all [ __ ] day they had metal nets they would put out and they would use a plow to plow the snow to make rinks out of the [ __ ] snow on the ice whoa it was insane and this is before global warming that [ __ ] froze by Christmas and we were skating in March every [ __ ] year March well early March how do you know when to stop well it's three feet sick how do you know when it's not three days they tell you that a town tests it Wow there it's all there's a big there's another shack on top of the hill where they have spotters there's guys that are rink you know guys skating with jackets that are the rink guys and so so anyway I'm there and I'm talking this chick from the next town over Celine was her name I remember this deep voice brown eyes real [ __ ] Italian girl that was my type a little plump Italian and I'm talking to her and all of a sudden I get [ __ ] knocked down this kid Chris Spencer had skated towards me and just check me just [ __ ] and I fell down hit my head couldn't get out for a little bit and I was like what the fan my friends were laughing it's like what the [ __ ] was that Chris was like trying to break into our little circle of friends and he was this big dude and he lifted weights and that was his way of like getting into the group was to [ __ ] knock me down I was talking to Sal in and I tried to fight him later after when I had my my sneakers on and thankfully somebody broke it up he would have [ __ ] kill me but um cut to Oh insulin like me at the time cut - what was it Halloween the following year we're running around and somebody sprayed shaving cream in my eyes and so I chased him down and it was somebody dressed as a bum knock him down sitting on top of them punched him in the face people start grabbing me screaming dude it's a girl so I [ __ ] run away turns out it was a little bin Oh No and guess what guess who had a bigger crush on me now her yeah after you beat her ass tell me about her [ __ ] childhood whoa really yep so what happened to Jim to apologize and know I was in the next town so I didn't really I just ducked out of seeing her how many times you hit her I think a few times she's a girl tryna why did she spray you in the faces she know it was you who know we used to run around with we would take shaving cream and we put aerosol tops on a shaving on a Barbasol can spray each other you know and you came home we were covered you were a snowman when you came home right we'd have eggs and we'd slap each other in the forehead with an egg and we'd run around there's always one a silhouette in there and then you have to go home early cuz he sprayed [ __ ] air on your head oh so she she sprayed shaving cream my eyes I couldn't see that well Wow and I knocked her around Wow I fought like abuse charge I got punched me on the bus once really yeah I was like weird thing man when I was 14 I got on the bus for uh for the 13 year olds like a junior high school bus and there was this guy who actually became a buddy of mine later he was young back then Bugsy Malone and got the [ __ ] hey I was a tiny little dude at the time he was I think he's two years younger than me and anyway some girl was mad at me for something I remember what happened but she started throwing punches at me and I'm like what the [ __ ] and I block her punches and then I looked down and the dude was like right behind her and he said something to someone else said something them and he looked at me goes yeah and afraid of you either I was like alright okay just what the [ __ ] ever man he's like can I fight this girl before I fight you mouthy well sis I just [ __ ] up I was new to the town and I don't know what happened when she was mad at me for but I remember blocking punches by some girls trying to beat my ass like [ __ ] are you doing and this little dude mad at me too but Mugsy Malloy was he wearing a little newsie cap well in the 1940s I'm super lucky I never hit that girl back cuz it turned out she wound up dating my friend Mark who's the captain of the wrestling team like afterwards yeah like after this and he would have killed me he was an animal and he was a couple years old us I got was 14 he was 17 he was a senior and he was like one of the best wrestlers in the state he was an animal he smoked cigarettes in between wrestling practice he'd be in wrestling practice and that girl that tried to beat my ass she would she would open up the door he would go outside and like wintertime out and he would like take a couple of drags of a cigarette really yeah yeah yo Molly was wrestling like at a really high level he was smoking cigarette yeah he was like a thug so athlete interesting like a legitimate bad [ __ ] like an animal he was an animal wrestler made me realize like real early on like wrestling practice made me realize like how hard some people workout I had no idea how hard some people workout yeah because I had taken like karate classes before and I had played baseball but I never did anything like wrestling yeah in my first days of wrestling class I remember thinking what the [ __ ] a unit has worked this hard we have to go upstairs with the carry someone on our back and climb up stadium stairs and what the [ __ ] are you talking about yeah like what we were doing what we're doing endless drills were firemen carrying each other back and forth across the [ __ ] gym racing each other and constant live drills with wrestling I would leave there I could barely walk or so tired I didn't I didn't do any homework I was wrestling yeah then I just want up doing no homework ever that's true with wrestling you really [ __ ] up your grades you come home annihilate annihilate it you're hungry yet you guys want to sleep and then did you have to try to lose weight from her yes I did but I wanted up stop and doing it because my friend Steven was wrestling to 128 pounds he was a better wrestler than me so I went up to 134 which is basically like what I weighed when I was 14 so or 15 whatever I was so it's pretty easy I said I didn't have to cut any weight at all but then I cut wait for Taekwondo when I stopped wrestling and I started fighting in Taekwondo I cut a lot of weight up until I was 17 and then when I was 17 I was still trying to make 140 pounds but I'd be walking around like 150 something I would just starve myself and dehydrate myself was terrible really [ __ ] with my performance yeah and then I stopped doing and I went up to 154 and when I went up to 154 I became way better that was when I got better yeah I was holding myself back by the dieting and I think that that's a big factor with wrestlers but one thing with wrestlers is that their mental toughness because of that weight cutting it's almost worth it because the mental it's super bad for your health to cut a lot of weight but those guys who can do it and still compete they have the ability to push through discomfort and just have a drive to win very few sports can match yes very few sports where will the athlete compete in a state of like on call for as much as wrestlers mm-hmm they're just dieting yeah starving themselves dehydrating themselves and still going out there like [ __ ] savages mm-hmm so it's a just a different kind of sport man difficult part but anyway that girl basically beat my ass I mean she didn't really beat my ass but part of me was younger than you to think she was my age now she was on the bus - she was like taking the bus back but I was thinking I better not watch this girl oh my God look glug didn't I get smacked by a gay kid nice kraid oh [ __ ] you got pimp slapped I got pinched this this black kid Keith he was really effeminate so we used to tease him I'm not proud of it but like at that age you just kind of did it was like you know I'm embarrassed by it like we you know you said whatever you know [ __ ] your wrist and say [ __ ] and he turned around and [ __ ] smacked me across the face and I and he stunned me I was like holy [ __ ] and I don't know what to do because he was he was part of a family it was there was projects in Tarrytown and there were cousins and there were families that had a lot of cousins and his his cousins were some badass [ __ ] the davis's own know and so this isn't to say I necessarily would have hit him after that for a number of reasons one of which I was not that tough I was pretty tough with girls on Halloween but but I think I was just so shocked did you know that you deserved it did you have a feeling I deserve I got hit a lot of the kick and I deserved it most the time I got punched in the face of Times Square when I was about 14 hurt I walked past some guy who was like some [ __ ] a homeless drug addict who was like coughing up a loogie and so I started coughing really hard - making fun of him came back and punched me right in the face whoa you don't want you beat up by a junkie no not in the days of AIDS that's right it was could have been an AZ punch no I used to get smacked around I was I was a [ __ ] [ __ ] I was such a wiseass because I was the smallest kid so that was how I fit in I was the funny guy who made fun everybody I would pick fights because then my friends would fight the fight I was that guy well certain things that kids like when they're growing up and one of the big ones is things happening we like action yeah like something happened if it's he's gonna go [ __ ] with that guy you're gonna kick his ass like because we're bored yeah we had no [ __ ] intern and we have no songs we stood on a street corner for five hours that was Saturday night my friend Kenny would just start fights with people he would just go find someone like a bus stop and just start beating that no [ __ ] really come on we're fighting it was crazy Wow yeah watched him fight one want some good ass kicked he did it once with this guy and the guy knew how to fight guy was beating his ass good he's just crazy what's the kid's name Kenny who was his deal it's just nuts who's older than us he's like 1 1 or 2 years older than big guy nope nope not particularly big just [ __ ] tough as nails he had a boxing tattoo in his arm like I think he had a Tasmanian devil with boxing gloves on they didn't really box yeah just one of those things like never made it to an actual gym like maybe a couple of times yeah but we just start fights it wasn't really that good at it yeah it was it was just crazy he just he was crazy he wanted to fight and he realized that with his limited mentality and view of the world that the most fun that he had was when he was fighting as I well that means we fight and so he just would want to fight all the time like one time my dog got hit by a car it was really sad I was on a busy street and my dog I opened the door and she got super excited to go for a walk and she I did never on a leash and she ran out into the street I just didn't anticipate her running she was usually pretty good about it and she ran out got nailed by a car she's oh so sad she died right in front of me I carried her back to the house and she she [ __ ] herself like that's why I knew something I didn't I still didn't know something was wrong but looking back I would have known just [ __ ] all over the kitchen and I was like I can't believe she [ __ ] herself like what like what she never shits in the house and then she just slowly slipped away just lie down and just stop breathing man just bled blood from the inside internal bleeding she hit my Volkswagen bug no kind of dog she was a mix she was boxer and I think she had some german shepherd in her - mmm sweet dog sad [ __ ] man who's sad [ __ ] who's a real bummer man was a real bummer but anyway I told Kenny I never had it I mean I had dogs die we had a dog that we adopted it had distemper when one up having to put it to sleep start going crazy it was a adult dog not adult but it was over a year old and I was a Doberman and it just started barking at us and snarling its its teeth and just started losing its mind and we got it calmed down enough we'd get a leash on it brought it to a vet and that's a distemper we had to put it down so I'd had that happen before but I never never seen a dog die in front of me sad [ __ ] yeah so I tell Kenny he's like what fighting that's it come on out we'll fight and Rogin your [ __ ] fight no excuses tonight and we drove around and you like wanted me to pick fights with people my dealer I'm not [ __ ] fighting okay that's the way he would deal with his emotions mm-hmm yeah pretty sure sadness fight anger fight looking for excitement fight it's an it's also there's a thing about young guys where young guys always want to be the crazy one like all mics the [ __ ] craziest mics [ __ ] crazy Michael and give a [ __ ] and it becomes like a social status among young especially we were talking about this before the podcast everybody our age was like a last key kid everybody our age had a mom and a dad that worked and they open the [ __ ] door in the morning and you were off to the races yeah you went school after school they weren't home for hours right you did a bunch of [ __ ] by yourself and most of the time were around other [ __ ] savages our age so it's the abstract influence of the parents on the children that is really like giving you your experience for who you are as a young person yeah you're you're experiencing how these people taught their kids and what the result was because you're around the kids all the time not around your de perak now they say that you're raised by your peers after about the age of 12 you're basically your parents are out yeah you're raised by your peers yeah you're constantly with your friends in school you're consoling with your friends and any activities you have you're looking for their validation instead of your parents validate exactly and with my friends it was always who's this is [ __ ] Oh Mike's a sick [ __ ] you know Steve's the sickest [ __ ] he doesn't give a [ __ ] he's crazy and there was like a value in that because everybody was scared that was really at the bottom line of it we're all young men and we're on our way to becoming adults and no one knows what the [ __ ] they're going to do we have a few friends who graduated high school and they're losers now and like [ __ ] that might be me like that was the big cloud that was always hanging over everybody's head what are you doing after high school what are you doing after high school and it was like this impending date of doom that was coming up so everybody was scared all the time yeah and everybody wanted to be they wanted to be a man everybody wanted to prove themselves they wanted to be something special no one felt special you know everybody felt like [ __ ] loser you know we're all like waiting waiting to become an adult so you get a job like all these are the people you knew that were around you or escape or figure out a way to escape yeah then there's always the Community College like people global you know I'll probably end up when you hear I'll probably end up at the Community College that's going to be one semester and out I did that I went to Mass Bay Mass Bay Community College I did it after a whole year I took a whole year off and I just I only went back to school because I didn't want people thinking I was a loser so I did like maybe one semester of math bad don't even think I finished the semester and then I left and went to UMass UMass Boston had this like adult education program we didn't have to have a GED or a not g8d SAT cuz I never took my SATs when I graduated from high school I'm like I am never going to school again like [ __ ] this but I got so tired of feeling like a [ __ ] loser like when I tell people hey I would always say I was taking a year off cooking a year off mm-hmm but it really I just had no direction all I was doing was like doing martial arts and competing and I just was so terrified of what the [ __ ] the future laid and so I went to UMass for like three years but not like three full years like there was still a lot of credits to be acquired if I was gonna graduate and I just was wasting my time I was barely paying attention I wasn't doing I was completely half-assing whatever project we had and I was realizing like what am i why am I wasting my time yeah and then I got some letter saying that I couldn't come back with the grades that I had unless I came up with some very compelling reason so wanted me to make an argument for why they should include me back in the class and I wrote out in hand Britain because back then no one had a [ __ ] typewriter this total [ __ ] letter this ridiculous like a persuasive [ __ ] e letter about how important education is to me and I'm poor how important it means and and then I realized like the amount of effort that I put writing this [ __ ] letter to keep these people from kicking me out of their school which I wasn't paying attention to far exceeds any effort that I ever put on any project ever in class yeah and then I realize okay whatever I'm gonna do with my life it's not going to involve doing this yeah it's not going to involve someone else dictating my schedule like whatever reason you're like clearly I can write yeah clearly I could really I think maybe comment yeah well I had a conversation with a science teacher this science teacher and it was the same kind of thing I I mocked him in class not necessarily mocked him but I brought up something that was contrary to what he was teaching he was talking about a Lake Erie being a dead Lake and I said listen man they had a documentary on PBS last night about Lake Erie making a resurgence and these scientists have figured out these new ways to minimize water pollution and all this [ __ ] like other kids looking at me like what the [ __ ] and he got pissed at me he got really pissed at me and he said you're undermining my class and this night I go hey man you're teaching old [ __ ] yeah how you teach all this is on TV man this is on TV like yesterday yeah and I had a conversation with him afterwards and because I had to talk to him in order to get back in the class he kicked me out of the class and he said two things he said one he said first of all I don't know whether or not that was the case whether or not it's true and if I allow you to just interrupt my class and chime in something like that and it's not true I haven't fact checked it you're telling the whole class and I don't know if you're right or you're wrong or you're making things up but you're interrupting my class that's the point if you have something to tell me about it maybe you can tell me about it after the class and then I can go and look it up and then maybe I can correct the class it was but to in interrupting a class you showed yourself to be more articulate and more intelligent that you ever showed ever in the entire semester so you're totally half-assing everything you do you're writing everything in paper you turn in every test you do every time I call upon you for a question totally have to have asked that but when you wanted to correct me on something also you knew all the words you knew how to form the sentence correctly you got to say with the right impact like just you just your focuses off and it was like god damn I dudes on the money mm-hmm and I realize I'm like yeah so I'm not stupid right I just can't I can't listen I can't do it their way I got to do it my way right I could I just didn't I grew up not having any direction yeah so someone doesn't tell you what to do all your life essentially you just out free I would go fishing I'd hang out my friends in the [ __ ] woods we just go find [ __ ] to do and then all sudden you're in school and they're telling you everything you have to do all day like I'm not ready for that I'm not not only that like you're sitting it I'm [ __ ] shocked when my kid tells me about it I go what was your schedule today well you know at 8:15 we sat down for 15 minutes for homeroom then at 8:30 I go to my first class which is an hour and 15 minutes then we get five minutes off and we go to another class it's two hours pick up these long [ __ ] classes and it goes like that till three o'clock and you can like thinking like 25 minutes for lunch and they're sitting be boys with [ __ ] chemicals racing through their bodies and girls in the next desk with [ __ ] short shorts and cleavage and little brown titty sticking up you know when the breeze hits them and they get a little bit of goosebumps on the inside of the cleavage and that cross Jesus is just wedged right in between those two brands for the Italian horn you telling you know and it's got glitter on it remember she wore the Italian yeah hombre how about charm bracelets charm bracelets yeah the [ __ ] flips lobster and then those times were painted them move the toes very important the girl doesn't take care of her toes now can't trust her with her [ __ ] oh [ __ ] yeah she lays I hate to do this on equal pay day [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: JRE Clips

Views: 4,300,594

Keywords: Joe Rogan Experience, podcast, MMA, UFC, comedy, comedian, stand up, funny, JRE, clip, favorite, best of, Joe Rogan, Greg Fitzsimmons

Id: 1ml79SRkFIY

Length: 22min 11sec (1331 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 08 2017