TWO VERY LONG YEARS AGO, OUR FIRST GUEST LEFT US TO FEND FOR OURSELVES. BUT HE'S BACK, THANK GOODNESS, WITH A NEW SHOW ON NETFLIX AND A VERY FURRY FACE. ON SUNDAY, HE WILL RECEIVE THE MARK TWAIN PRIZE AT THE KENNEDY CENTER. PLEASE WELCOME DAVID LETTERMAN. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] ♪ [ APPLAUSE ] >> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE. >> I'M SO EXCITED TO BE HERE. IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE FAMOUS PEOPLE AGAIN. JUST TO BE OUT OF THE HOUSE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! AND PAUL, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU WORK HERE NOW. >> I WAS AFRAID TO TELL YOU. >> THANK YOU. >> Jimmy: HE GOES BY BRITTNEY NOW. >> HOW ARE YOU AND THANK YOU, EVERYBODY, VERY NICE. >> Jimmy: HOW ARE YOU DOING? >> I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING. YOU'RE LOOKING AT A MAN WHO IS LAUGHING ON THE OUTSIDE, CRYING ON THE INSIDE. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HAD THIS PROBLEM FOR A YEAR. I HAVE BEEN LOOKING HIGH AND LOW. I AM DETERMINED TO FIND A SHIRT THAT LOOKS GOOD UNTUCKED. I CAN'T FIND ONE. >> Jimmy: I THINK THERE'S A WEBSITE. >> COULD IT BE THAT HARD? >> Jimmy: IS THIS SUIT YOU'RE WEARING FROM THE LATE SHOW? OR IS THIS SOMETHING YOU HAD TO GO OUT AND GET ON YOUR OWN? >> NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. CAN I TALK TO YOU, JIMMY? >> Jimmy: YEAH, SURE. TALK. >> YOU KNOW ME, I'M A CELEBRITY. >> Jimmy: YEAH. AND WHEN STUFF HAPPENS, JUST TO GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE, I'LL START SLOW. MANY IT'S, MANY, MANY YEARS AGO MY NIECE GOT MARRIED. WHEN YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED, YOU WANT LIKE A BIG THING AND A HONEYMOON AND A REHEARSAL DINNER AND ALL THAT CRAP, AND PRESENTS. SO I THOUGHT LONG AND HARD AND SAID I HAVE TO GET BIG IMPRESSIVE PRESENTS BECAUSE I AM THE TOP STAR OF THE DAY. I FIGURED IT OUT AND YOU GET A SET OF TIRES. AND YOU WRAP THEM UP INDIVIDUALLY SO YOU HAVE FOUR ENORMOUS GIFTS. AND THEY'RE TIRES. SO I THOUGHT, WELL, THIS IS FANTASTIC. MY WORK IS DONE HERE. WHO CARES IF THEY WON THEM OR IF THEY USE THEM? AND THEN I THINK ONE TIME, BECAUSE YOU'RE IN SHOW BUSINESS AND YOU WOULD GET THE JOKE, I SAID TO YOU, TIES. >> Jimmy: I DIDN'T TAKE IT AS A JOKE AND IN FACT I WILL WEARING ONE OF THE TIES. >> THAT'S A BEAUTY. THAT ONE SHOULDN'T HAVE GONE OUT. >> Jimmy: YOU SENT ME A FEW DAYS AFTER YOU LEFT THE LATE SHOW, ALL OF YOUR TIES. I'M HAPPY ABOUT THAT. AND I AM STILL DELIGHTED. >> AND ONE TIME MY AGENT'S SON WAS HAVING A BAR MITZVAH, SENT HIM A PACK OF CIGARETTES. IT IS ONLY A JOKE. WE ALL UNDERSTAND THAT. YOU UNDERSTAND IT. THE KID UNDERSTOOD IT. EVERYBODY DID. SO A COUPLE YEARS AGO WHEN I WAS EITHER FIRED OR I RETIRED. >> Jimmy: OKAY. >> ALL A BLUR NOW. AND PEOPLE WERE MINDLESSLY SAYING NICE THINGS ABOUT ME. YOU WERE EFFUSIVE. >> Jimmy: YES, YES. >> BY THE WAY, FOR THE PURPOSE OF THIS CONVERSATION, I HAVE NOTHING BUT THE HIGHEST REGARD FOR ALL THE TALK SHOW MEN AND TALK SHOWS. EVEN JIMMY FALLON. >> Jimmy: THAT'S NICE. YEAH. >> SO PEOPLE WERE SAYING NICE THINGS SO I SAID, AND CONAN O'BRIAN WHO IS LIKE SOME SORT OF GOD ON MT. OLYMPUS. HE RUNS AROUND TELLING PEOPLE HE WENT TO HARVARD. WE DON'T KNOW. SO HE GOES ON MY OLD SHOW, THE STEPHEN COLBERT SHOW. >> Jimmy: ON FRIDAY. >> HE WROTE SOMETHING THAT WAS JUST BEAUTIFUL. DO YOU REMEMBER THAT? >> THE THING CONAN WROTE FOR YOU? >> YEAH. >> NO, I DON'T REMEMBER IT. [ LAUGHTER ] [ APPLAUSE ] >> I HAPPENED TO SEE THIS. TONIGHT ON JIMMY'S SHOW, HE IS TALKING TO AN AGENT VAGRANT. >> THE VIEWER GUIDE WILL SAY THAT. >> SO ANY WAY, CONAN, THIS BEAUTIFUL THING. AND I THOUGHT THIS IS THE PERFECT OPPORTUNITY TO SEND A [ BLEEP ] SHOW BUSINESS HE GIFT. SO I THOUGHT, DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'LL DO? I'LL SEND HIM A HORSE. THING HOLLYWOOD YOU CAN GET LIVESTOCK AND STUFF FOR SHOWS. AND I GET A COUPLE OF COWBOYS AND I'LL SEND HIM OUT A HORSE. AND THE IDEA WILL BE THAT HE'LL HAVE THE HORSE ON THE SHOW AND THE HORSE WILL TAKE A DUMP ON THE SHOW AND IT WILL BE HILARIOUS. ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS? >> Jimmy: IT IS HILARIOUS TO SEND SOMEONE A HORSE. YEAH. >> SO LIKE TWO OR THREE DAYS LATER, I REALIZED, OH, NO, THINGS HAVE GONE TERRIBLY WRONG. I GET THIS LOVELY LETTER FROM CONAN SAYING, MY WIFE LOVES THE HORSE AND SHE IS GOING TO KEEP THE HORSE BECAUSE SHE IS AN ETRES TREEAN. I'M PRESBYTERIAN. ARE YOU JEWISH? >> NO. >> SO NOW I'M SCREWED BECAUSE I WAS COUNTING ON HER RETURNING THE HORSE AND I WOULD GET MY MONEY BACK. >> Jimmy: CAN YOU RETURN A HORSE? >> OH, YEAH. A TERRIBLE DISCOUNT. SO I DON'T HEAR ANYTHING ABOUT IT UNTIL CONAN SHOWS UP ON THE LATE SHOW THAT I USED TO BE ON WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. AND NOW HE'S LOST HIS MIND. DID YOU SEE IT? >> Jimmy: I DID. >> WAS HE LIKE A CRAZY MAN? >> Jimmy: NOT ONLY DID I SEE IT BUT HE COMPLAINED TO ME PERSONABLY THE HORSE. >> LIKE IT'S MY FAULT? >> Jimmy: WELL, YOU DID SEND HIM THE HORSE IN ALL FAIRNESS. >> IT WAS A JOKE. TAKE A DUMP ON THE STAGE. LOAD HIM UP AND GET HIM BACK. THAT'S WHAT IT WAS. YOU DON'T THINK THE HORSE KNEW WHAT HE WAS SUPPOSED TO DO? NOT MY PROBLEM. SO NOW I DIDN'T SEE IT. FROM WHAT I INFER, AS CONAN WILL NOT SHUT UP ABOUT THE HORSE. AND THE HORSE HAS GONE CRAZY. SOMETHING HAPPENED. MAYBE IT'S BEEN AROUND CONAN ALL DAY. >> Jimmy: THE HORSE IS SAID TO BE UNRIDEABLE. >> OF COURSE HE IS UNRIDEABLE. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS TAKE A DUMP ON THE STAGE. SO NOW HE'S COMPLAINING LIKE THE MAY BE LITIGATION. AND MAYBE I'LL GET A CALL FROM PETA. AND APPARENTLY HE BROKE INTO CONAN'S MANSION? >> Jimmy: THE HORSE BROKE INTO HIS MANSION? THAT I DIDN'T HEAR. >> AND ONE OF CONAN'S SERVANTS WAS KICKED IN THE HEAD. >> Jimmy: OH, BOY, THAT'S NO GOOD. >> SO IF YOU RUN INTO CONAN, IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A JOKE. HOW CRAZY CAN THE HORSE BE? >> Jimmy: HORSES CAN BE CRAZY. I DON'T WANT TO DEFEND CONAN. >> IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE DEFENDING HIM. >> Jimmy: BOTTOM LINE, YOU NEED A BETTER GIFT. LOOK AT THIS. IT IS NOT KICKING ANYBODY IN THE HEAD. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> FOR THE SAKE OF THIS, IF I HAD SENT YOU THE HORSE, THERE WOULD BE NONE OF THIS, MY WIFE LOVES IT. WE'RE KEEPING THE HORSE. I MEAN HE HAS A HALF ACHOR IN STUDIO CITY. WHERE IS HE GOING TO KEEP THE DAMN HORSE? >> Jimmy: I THINK THAT'S THE QUESTION HE WAS ASKING TOO. >> THE POINT IS NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED. >> Jimmy: WHEN IN DOUBT, AN EDIBLE ARRANGEMENT IS A NICE GIFT. DAVID LETTERMAN IS HERE WITH US. >> Jimmy: DAVID LETTERMAN IS IN THE GUEST CHAIR. >> AGAIN, I'M HERE BUT EVERYBODY HERE USED TO WORK FOR ME. HOW DID I END UP WITHOUT A SHOW? >> Jimmy: YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME TO HAVE THIS ONE. >> THEN NO ONE WOULD HAVE A -- WELL, WE WOULD BE DOWN TO JIMMY. >> Jimmy: TELL ME ABOUT THE NETFLIX SHOW IF YOU WOULD. WILL THERE BE A STUDIO AUDIENCE FOR THE SHOW? >> THESE GOOD QUESTIONS. >> DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO? LIKE DO YOU HAVE A MOVIE YOU LIKE? >> Jimmy: SPIDERMAN. >> SO YOU CALL THEM UP. THEY HAVE AWARE HOUSE SOMEWHERE. AND SOMEBODY GOES THROUGH AND THEY FINDS SPIDERMAN. THEY GET THE DISK IS THAT THEY PUT IN IT AN ENVELOPE WITH YOUR NAME ON IT AND THEY SHOOT HIM. >> Jimmy: NETFLIX ISN'T DOING THAT ANYMORE. >> THEY'RE NOT? >> Jimmy: THERE'S A WHOLE NEW WALLOW OVER. >> I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT. IT INCREASES THE POSSIBILITY OF ELECTROCUTION IN YOUR OWN HOLE. >> Jimmy: DO YOU HAVE A TITLE FOR THE SHOW? >> NO. BUT WE'RE LOOKING FOR INTERESTING GUESTS. >> Jimmy: I HEARD YOU ASKED HOWARD STERN. >> YEAH, I THINK HE WOULD BE GOOD. HE SEEMS TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT IT. AND ANY TIME YOU CAN GET HOWARD TO BE NERVOUS, I THINK YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING. >> Jimmy: YOU MENTIONED YOU WOULD WELCOME DONALD TRUMP AND THE POPE TOGETHER WOFLT THAT BE TOGETHER OR SEPARATE? >> I'LL TELL YOU WHO WE GOT. YOU KNOW THE WHCOMMERCIAL WHERE THE GUY SAW AS BOAT IN HALF AND WE'VE GOT HIS BROTHER. >> SO WE'RE ALL SET TO GO. >> Jimmy: THIS EVENT AT KENNEDY CENTER THAT'S HAPPENING, ARE YOU FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE NOW? ACCEPTING MORE ACCOLADES? >> NO, NO, IT IS A FIXED FIGHT. THEY HAVE TO HAVE SOMEBODY SHOW UP AND I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING. SO I SAID I'LL BE THERE. AND BY THE WAY, THANK YOU FOR YOUR PARTICIPATION. >> Jimmy: THANK YOU FOR ASKING ME. I WOULD HAVE BEEN DEVASTATED IF YOU HAVEN'T. I ALMOST FELT LIKE YOU ASKED ME BECAUSE YOU KNEW HOW UPSET I WOULD BE IF I WERE EXCLUDED FROM THE EVENT. >> THAT'S TRUE. YOU'RE NOT THINKING ABOUT IT. >> Jimmy: THIS NETWORK? EVENTUALLY, SURE. >> HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE? >> Jimmy: ALMOST 15 YEARS. IT WILL BE 15 YEARS IN JANUARY. TIME TO GO? >> NO. YOU'RE RIGHT WHERE YOU WANT TO BE NOW. >> Jimmy: I GUESS SO. DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU MISS IT? >> NO -- NO -- SOME PARTS. I MISS WEARING MAKE-UP. >> Jimmy: SURE. THAT'S THE BEST. DO YOU LIKE THE BAND OR NOT? >> IT'S A TERRIFIC BAND AND WE GET TO WEAR MAKE-UP AND PLAY MUSIC. WE HAVE IT MADE UP HERE. >> Jimmy: WHAT DO YOU THINK THE OLD BAND THINKS SEEING YOU GUYS? >> ABSOLUTELY PISSED. >> Jimmy: I'VE HEARD YOU SAY YOU'RE AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT PERSON. >> I AM. THANK GOD BECAUSE THE GREAT STRUGGLE IN LIFE IS TO BE BETTER EACH AND EVERY DAY. AND IF YOU TAKE A LOOK AROUND THE HORIZON OF HUMIDANITY, IS THERE ANYTHING WE CAN DO BIG OR SMALL TO MAKE THE LIFE OF ONE PERSON A LITTLE THE BIBETTER? AND THAT'S NO SMALL ACCOMPLISHMENT. ANYWAY, I'M PROFILING FOR YOU WHAT LIFE AFTER -- WAS I FIRED OR RETIRED? >> Jimmy: RETIRED. YOU RETIRED. THERE WAS A WHOLE THING. THERE WAS A SHOW AND EVERYONE PAID TRIBUTE. >> OH, THAT'S RIGHT. >> Jimmy: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN ANY OF THAT? >> NO. >> HAVE YOU SEEN YOURSELF ON TELEVISION? >> NO. I WON'T WATCH THIS SHOW TONIGHT. NOT BECAUSE OF YOU. BECAUSE OF ME. DO YOU WATCH YOURSELF ON TV? >> Jimmy: NEVER, EVER, EVER. WHEN I SEE MYSELF, I CHANGE CHANNEL. >> IT'S TOO AWKWARD. I WAS IN COLORADO AND I'M LOST. HOPELESSLY LOST. AND I SEE A THING. A COFFEE SHOP. BUT NOT A COFFEE SHOP. IT IS LIKE BEANS AND THINGS OR WHATEVER THEY CALL IT. SO I REMEMBER SEEING THAT ON MY DRIVE FROM THE AIRPORT SO I KNOW I'M IN THE GENERAL VICINITY OF THE AIRPORT. SO I WALK IN. I'M NOT WEARING A SUIT BUT I'M CLOTHED. [ LAUGHTER ] AND I KNOW I BRING THIS ON MYSELF BECAUSE OF THE BEARD. YOU HAVE A BEARD YOURSELF. ARE PEOPLE OUT ALL THE TIME ABOUT SHAVING? >> Jimmy: NO. THEY LIKE MINE. IT'S KEMPT. >> I LOOK LIKE A CIVIL WAR STATUE. >> Jimmy: THERE'S TALK ABOUT GETTING IT REMOVED. >> I HAVE BEEN REMOVED. >> I HEARD THAT, PAUL, IT'S NOT FUNNY. SO I GO INTO THE STORE AND I SAY I'M LOST. I'M LOOKING FOR THE AIRPORT. SHE SAYS OH, SURE. I SAY CAN YOU JUST JOT DOWN SOME INSTRUCTIONS? SURE. BE HAPPY TO. SO SHE WRITES IT OUT. GO DOWN HERE A HALF MILE. IT WILL BE ANDERSON STREET. TURN RIGHT ON ANDERSON STREET. THEN YOU GO TO DEEP VALLEY OR SOME COLORADO NAME. AND THEN YOU GO TO PINE VALLEY. ALL THE WAY UP TO SKI HILL. SO I'M LOOKING AT THEM. SHE'S GOT LIGHTS AND SPEED LIMITS. A WONDERFUL BIT OF DIAGRAMMING. AND A LOVELY YOUNG WOMAN. AND I SAID THIS IS FANTASTIC. THANK YOU. YOU'VE SAVED MY LIFE. AND I SAID HOW LONG WILL THIS TAKE ME TO GET THERE? AND SHE LOOKS AT ME. AND I'M LIKE THIS MORE OR LESS. AND SHE SAYS, ARE YOU WALKING? [ LAUGHTER ] YEAH. I'M WALKING. I'M WALKING TO THE AIRPORT. >> Jimmy: DAVE, I AM SO GRATEFUL FOR YOU BEING HERE TONIGHT. I DO HAVE SOMETHING FOR YOU. A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOU. >> I DON'T WANT IT. >> Jimmy: WE HAVE IT OUTSIDE. >> I DON'T WANT IT. >> Jimmy: I THINK YOU'LL LIKE IT. IT IS A BABY BULL. >> WHAT IS IT? >> Jimmy: A BABY BULL. HE'S BEEN WANDERING BROOKLYN AND NOW HE'S ALL YOURS. >> I'LL TAKE IT. I'LL TAKE IT. I'LL BE HAPPY TO TAKE THE [ BLEEP ] BULL. DO I LEAVE NOW? >> Jimmy: WE'LL HAVE PAUL --
