Jimmy Carr's Just For Laughs Shows UNCUT | Jimmy Carr

hello my name is Jimmy Carr and you're watching Just for Laughs so well done you I tell you what I love love love love and I bet you all love it too do you love the snooze button I love the snooze button cuz I tell you what I need after 8 hours sleep a nap the first guy that persuaded a blind person they needed sunglasses he must have been a hell of a Salesman Canadian people that's you Canadian people are at least 1 in taller than you were 20 years ago and that's because 20 years ago you were all children when I was a kid I wanted to get a tattoo but my parents said I had to get it somewhere that didn't matter so I had it done in Alberta are there people in from Alberta it doesn't matter I got into an argument I said women have a lower pain threshold than men she said try child birth I said I have how do you think I got here women ask weird questions well well the women in my life have always asked weird questions my girlfriend said to me recently she said which of my friends do you think is prettiest well that's what she said what I heard was I fancy a fight I don't know much about women but I know there is no correct answer to that question there's nothing I can say that she'll go good just wondered I thought there's going to be trouble so I might as well have fun so when she asked me which am my friends do you think is pretty as I said well well Karen is pretty but Susan does that thing with her [Applause] tongue I thought it would be romantic I mean this is typical me Montreal I thought it would be romantic to take my girlfriend back to where we first met but she said don't let me go back there Mr Jimmy I'll cook I clean I'll be [Applause] better do you know we produce 48% more carbon emissions than we used to in the 1970s but that figure could be hared if you just divided it by two flooding flooding is pretty bad I saw a woman on the news in her flooded front room crying I thought crying's not helping if anything you're making matters ever slightly worse a charity campaigner came up to me in the street he said can I have a word about the homeless I said certainly lazy I've actually got involved in a charity uh recently it's it's not really what the show is about but I've got involved in this little Charity and I just think it's a it's just a cool idea it's only a small thing but I was going to briefly just 20 seconds of your time it's not really what the show is about but I'll just tell you what we're doing and if you think it's a cool idea you could just Google it you you could just you could just have a look and and you know and maybe get involved maybe make a donation and if not you could just forget about it's not really it's not important uh to the show um what we're doing is we're taking obese children and we're sending them to the rainforest I I don't mind you tittering because we're already seeing incredible results and if you want to be part of that it's feed the tigers.com [Applause] if you're scared of pedophiles grow up the best way to get a girl's attention is to compliment her as in wow you're a fast runner you nearly got away backseat drivers they're all the same why are we going into the woods please let me go Madonna Madonna is 50 but she's got the body of a man half that [Applause] age My grandmother used to make me a sweater every Christmas my grandmother would knit me a sweater every Christmas did anyone else have that she used to knit me a sweater and go much better than the ones in the shops no no it isn't I remember one year she made me this burgundy monstrosity sleeves way too long and in the front she'd embroidered blacks go home I said I'm not wearing that it's burgundy I saw the chief of the New York City Police on the news he said we will never forget 9911 I thought you no not your phone number I write these jokes I think they're funny I think some of you think they're funny but these jokes aren't who I am as a person I don't Define Myself by these jokes in the real world I'm quite a generous kind of a guy sorry I realize I sound like a fool when I say that but I am quite a I'm quite a generous kind of a guy I uh last year I donated a kidney of course they wanted to know where I got it from let not be Jimmy car thank you very much indeed cheers well good evening ladies and gentlemen uh my name is Jimmy car and these are my jokes the worst thing about being told you've got Alzheimer's is it doesn't just happen The Once and I'll be telling that joke again if I remember I went to Los Angeles last year to do a little bit of work I got stopped at the airport they said purpose of visit I said I'm here to shoot a pilot that's 3 hours of my life I'm never get him back I was by the seaside and I was thinking about rising sea levels and this guy next to me was throwing stones into the water I thought well that's not helping if anything you're making matters worse if I owned an Opticians you know the Opticians where you buy the glasses if I owned an Opticians I'd make them do the shop sign in a blurry font my friend told me his new girlfriend looked like one of the Olsen twins I said well she can't she either looks like both of them or neither of them any vegetarians in who's vegetarian a couple of vegetarians my girlfriend is vegetarian she thinks it's disgusting that I eat ve but she eats baby carrots they're babies one in three American women is clinically obese as are the other [Applause] two most people that get cosmetic surgery are disappointed with the results but they look pleasantly surprised if you get arrested for making obscene phone calls and you get taken down to the station and you've got one phone call it's got to be a Temptation isn't it who here is in a long-term relationship give us a shout if you're in a long-term relationship yes lots of you and you sound very happy about that good stuff I'm in a long-term relationship I've been the same girl for eight years we're very happy together it's a lovely relationship I'm loving it how's this for crazy though she still gets annoyed she gets upset if I use her toothbrush that's crazy isn't it when you consider how intimate we've been and if you can tell me a better way to get dog [ __ ] out of sneakers I'd love to hear about it cuz there's there's nothing finer pop that back my girlfriend and I are trying for a baby we got pretty close outside Walmart last week some women worry about one breast being smaller than the other but focus on the positive one of them is bigger and we call that one our favorite women give us the silent treatment because they think it's a punishment we've got a special name for the silent treatment we call it peace and quiet gifts are pretty easy if you're a man buying for a woman if you're a man in a long-term relation ship it's pretty easy to buy for your woman isn't it it's pretty easy cuz you just go for the classics champagne chocolates flowers unless you're dating an alcoholic Bic with hay fever in which case end it she sounds like a disaster I've got some advice for you Montreal some advice if you're going to have sex with someone that you don't know yeah if you're going to have sex with someone you don't know always always always I can't stress this enough if you're having sex with someone you don't know always always always ask [Applause] let's talk about the environment because that's an important issue isn't it the environment a carbon footprint is a metaphor for the mark you leave on the earth as you walk through your lives of course I don't have one cuz I drive everywhere and it's twice as bad if you're Christian because you've got Jesus traing alongside you the church the church wanted to move forward on female Bishops but Bishops can only move diagonally gay priests of course can move wherever they want cuz they're Queens they now make practically invisible sprayon condoms which have been designed specifically for gullible [Applause] women you can get condoms that are ribbed for her pleasure so what I do turn them inside out please [Applause] myself thank you very much Madam well it's it's been a pleasure talking to you this evening ladies and gentlemen just a quick thing before I go the worst thing about being told you've got Alzheimer's oh you've heard it thank you very much indeed Montreal I'll see you soon good evening ladies and gentlemen I'm Jimmy car and these are my jokes let's not [ __ ] about I haven't got the time people often say to me how do you do this for a living how do you get up in front of people you don't know and tell them jokes it must be petrifying while I'll tell you how it's done this is the secret and it works if you're doing any kind of public speaking this is how you do it what you do is you imagine the people you're talking to are naked it really works couple of quick things to remember firstly don't tell the people you're talking to that's what you're [Applause] doing cuz that can be a little bit creepy can't it and secondly it doesn't work as well if you work in a [Applause] kindergarten if you're young and your parents are getting divorced it can be a very difficult time but remember it's not your fault your mom's a [ __ ] no offense fell oo an audible intake of breath [ __ ] excellent brilliant um when I was younger I couldn't talk to women because I was hiding in their wardrobes masturbating would have totally given it away you didn't see that coming did you cuz I was in your wardrobe I've written a romcom would you like to hear about my romcom I I've written a romantic comedy yeah very popular with you like the romcoms don't you ladies of course you do I've written a romantic comedy it's about a guy and a girl classic yeah yeah initially they hate each other classic but they end up in bed together classic it's called the rapist a good indicator this is good advice for young men down here good indic good indicator that a woman fancies you if when she's talking to you she touches her hair if it's her pubic hair it's a CT this is solid advice some advice for for the older men the men in long-term relationships cuz sometimes ladies we can take you for granted I'm I'm afraid we do this is advised for the older men that have let standards slip can I just remind you gentlemen it is never acceptable never acceptable to answer the phone when love making even if you hilariously pick up by saying I can't talk now I'm going into a tunnel just a bit of advice for the younger men if you are going to have sex with someone you don't know if you're going to have sex with someone you don't know always always always always [Applause] ask maybe things are a little bit different in Montreal you you're looking at me as if to say well you don't always ask some of these women are French Canadian they'll do [ __ ] [Applause] anything that was a round course from the French Canadian women that will do [ __ ] everything God love you um some common myths you know the kind of stuff you read about in the internet you read if you ever read about sex on the internet you'll see myths stuff that just isn't true the best lubricant for anal sex is not tears it's [Applause] blood do you ever use pickup lines do you ever pick up a lady with a pickup line you yeah of course well I'll give you a few for free the best pickup line as we all know the best pickup line is will you hold my drink while I go for a [ __ ] that's the best one because if a girl says not a problem she's a keeper as far as I'm concerned that line is right up there with does this rag smell of chloroform to you and of course the Evergreen let's not turn this rape into a murder I was told by my priest I was raised Catholic any Catholics in you C I was raised Catholic and my Catholic priest told me when I was 12 years of age he said to me he said God is watching you when you masturbate I see I said is he a pedophile too father I'm joking I said it's theophile too father the thing that used to annoy me about church when I was growing up the thing that used to annoy me about church was all the standing up and sitting down and kneeling I wish you could just pick a position and [ __ ] me I bought some uh I bought some Viagra today because you can get in Montreal you can get over the count of Viagra I thought over the count of Viagra that sounds powerful and I was reading the instructions because it's a pharmaceutical you have to take these things seriously I was reading the instructions on the Viagra it said on the instructions for Viagra the the warnings and such it said keep away from children I thought what kind of a man do they think I I am that can't maintain an erection with a [Applause] child of course the you know the big thing that's happened I I don't know how you felt about it but for me Michael Jackson's death um it's it's just been weird I I watched it in in London where I live I I watched on the news and for me it was very much like when Diana died I couldn't give a [ __ ] I was chatting to a guy at a party he said what does your girlfriend do I said anything but anal I'm joking she loves it I've been with the same girl for eight years yeah we're very happy yeah we're very very happy together we've been together eight years and we're not married people often ask us they'll come up to us if you're not married and you're in a long-term relationship people often come up and they go have you thought about um have you two thought about maybe thought about you two thought about thought about maybe it's like they're trying to start a fight between us we're perfectly happy as we are thanks very much so whenever anyone comes up to me and says have you thought about I always say what putting a third finger in I could give it a go frankly I don't think it's what the relationship is missing maybe try the shocker two in the pink one in the stink that's how that works sorry sir you seem offended two in the goo one in the Poo [Applause] there who here is in a long-term relationship give us a shout if you're in a long-term relationship yes it's great isn't it it's a great thing to be in how's this for crazy though we've been together 8 years and my girlfriend still gets upset if I use her tooth brush that's crazy isn't it when you consider how intimate we've been and if you can tell me a better way to get dog [ __ ] out of sneakers I'd love to [ __ ] hear about it cuz there's nothing finer so did that just prompt a story between you guys you got to tell me what's the story I told a joke about dog [ __ ] sneakers and you went you you he asked you what what you said he asked me what I said oh okay he didn't hear right I'll I'll sort this out for you listen all right don't cry no some women worry about one breast being smaller than the other but focus on the positive one of them is [Applause] bigger and we call that one our favorite my girlfriend's got one of those tiny little strips of hair what are they called mustache people often ask me people often say have you ever had any gay experiences well yes Montreal I have had gay experiences and I don't mind talking about it I've been in a shoe shop and said I have to have them I've described a cheesecake as to die for but I've never had the gay experience where someone puts their [ __ ] in my mouth and or bum and really that is the one that counts doesn't count if you do it to them does it does it I thought it wasn't gay if you didn't push back come on it's definitely not gay if you beat them up afterwards it's not be Jimmy car thank you very much indeed cheers mon if you like fast-paced edgy onliners get ready to be happy uh I'm announcing a new tour it's called Jimmy car laughs funny and I'll be touring all around the world come and see me if you don't like fast-paced edgy jokes then it's not for you um you know get some perspective maybe uh they're just jokes

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 52,741

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Id: LYPc8l3Hnhs

Length: 22min 20sec (1340 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 01 2024