Jimmy Carr Roasts American Celebrities! | Volume.1 | Jimmy Carr | Jimmy Carr

most annoying thing about going to the cinema I I personally happen to enjoy them but I feel like a lot of people complain about the previews you know I get annoyed but I get in the previews or trailers as we call them because that's what they're called um I get annoyed when there's a trailer for something that's better than the thing I've gone to see so you sort of you're going oh what if I come and see this that looks amazing yeah usually it's because it hasn't opened yet is why because it's a preview it's all crazy the internet now they had the best day ever yeah indeed yeah the best online game 82 million dollars in one day in internet sales and they looked it up and it was Mel Gibson by naziabilia well obviously we've got Jerry on the show a picture of Jerry you'd be crazy not to okay yes no Jerry on your show you give out plenty of advice you're brilliant at it so we asked our studio audience are you good at giving advice yes or no what do you think they said I think everyone thinks they're good at giving advice otherwise they wouldn't give it thank you I don't I don't give good advice I wouldn't listen to me I do the final thought at the end of the show that's my advice but first of all I'm lying because it's never my final thought I'm always coming back the next day with another one well one of these days Jerry what's the most extreme show you made uh the show I remember is the guy who married his horse but in my final thought I came out against it I want you what did you say nay means name [Applause] I need to apologize for the show I'm so sorry I could just take a minute to apologize to the British people for my show I didn't mean to do it the culture I've destroyed the culture I'm I'm going to hell and I just hope hell isn't that hot I'm very light complected okay well that's channeling it's kind of like a healing energy that you put you are the channel for and it's really weird because I think it really works sorry do you want to buy some magic beans I used to be a hippie I've sort of I've moved on come on what did she look like that was doing the Reiki what does she look like yeah it was like this gorgeous girl doing Reiki of you guys a big difference with a man if we were both Reiki instructors who would make you guys feel better come on shut your eyes come on Howie shut your ass you don't know who does which reverse now one of us gonna one side one was gonna get on the other side right you're gonna what heal me [Applause] which side felt better I think the the left-hand side felt like it would be slightly more expensive on the right hand side felt like if you're on a budget in a hurry why not how much time does which I was the budget in a hurry I wish it had gone further but you were probably thinking of the calories weren't you foreign [Applause] the name of the Rose and prince of Thieves how old were you when you were in those oh 15 16 yeah so believe me you didn't have to do any you went I'm going to the Oscars I still had to do school work I mean I still had to go you know go to school and do all that I had a tutor lovely tutor lovely lady she helped me did you speak to your teacher [Music] I suggest that your tutor was teaching you a lot of things a lot of things you need to know she was lovely yes and I learned a lot on I'm a celebrity you claimed your maid's name was vagina kasiman is that true yes is she real she's real are you sure because if she's as real as this said is real her mother and it's the truth her mother loved her body part so much she said if she had a girl she was going to name it vaginica then no this true not Noble a guy named Harry Seaman Harry Heyman she became vagina kissimmen what's her middle name I have no idea she hasn't got a middle name especially need one ready especially what she tells chosen her name she's probably just wiping the drink they've just spat in her face Johnson what else have people been talking about this week uh Lance Armstrong is that something that's uh I feel like that's been popular over here as well we've been we've been chatting about it a little bit American Sportsmen generally yeah yeah yeah you guys get American things here [Music] you can have that back uh can I get a coffee no you can't get a coffee you can have a copy you can only get a coffee if you bloody work there they get this that's another American thing the Easter Bunny you've just opened a can of worms with me relax I'll talk to Mr America sorry I think it's Captain America yeah um give us a story what happened with Lance Armstrong there's a big report uh just basically blaming him for not just being involved in doping but sort of spearheading all the efforts for the entire uh Team yeah he's ruined cheating for a lot of people it was something I almost admired sometimes you know someone's a bit of a cheat you go ah it's quite clever to cheap he's just gone nuts in France yeah but he cheated seven times you think after you've done it once you'd go poor I've got to wear with that carried on this is sheer energy for the cheating I don't know where he got that from that's not just the steroids he cheated with he had a testicle removed so it was lighter as well thank you Brit just won the Tour de France for the first time right that was pretty exciting this past summer Cavendish right actually what I think Bradley Wiggins that's what I said what did I do not Cavendish you don't know what you're talking about the next round is called the pole with a hole we've looked through hundreds of surveys from past and present from around the world and on Earth some fascinating facts unfortunately each statistic is missing one Salient piece of information so it's up to our panelists to fill in the gaps here's your first one Johnny oh oh sir is it easy [Applause] he can't read I can't read I don't know what it said okay 76 of mechanics don't what is it uh don't agree with the consensus view that Ulysses James Joyce's finest work was actually quite prefer Finnegan's way service cars properly that is the correct answer I possessed [Applause] you're not having a point damn it you're not having the point I'm hurt I've turned off the buzzer well there's the the Britain's Got Talent which you used to do didn't you did you you did it over here didn't you I did it over here Bryn's got talents mainly made here Sean you know what I meant bloody Mr logic yeah [Music] what's the American one called ah America's Got Talent knew it yeah but you were great yeah oh thanks I had a hard time understanding everyone but I uh I got the tour of the country and uh well you you end up going out with the lovely Welsh girl as well yeah yeah my girlfriend is from Glenn Heath and the weather is uh weather's tough over there the weather's tough everywhere you have two Winters over here I mean we have Tucson it's like you have winter in July that's why the buttons on our shirt go all the way up to the top [Applause] we've seen a lot more nipples I did I haven't watched Britain's Got Talent this year until last night I realized that the show is exactly the same as it was last year okay just go to like the hospital and it's like One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest and they give you the people medication and they they send them to Britain's Got Talent and that's how you got the job foreign have you ever seen a cricket match I hate Sports you hate Sports I go to tennis matches I don't even turn my head you know the ball doesn't come back that idiot missed it I mean you know just I don't like it yeah last week protesters gained access to yanukovich's estate which featured a replica Galleon a golf course a boxing ring and a private petting zoo I was in his back Garden I just think it's a bad idea for a leader of a country to to have that much to like to live in a castle I mean who wants to live in a country where your leader lives in a castle and has all those riches you 'll be allowed to take phone calls to tape phone calls yeah is that what you guys were talking about yeah it depends I mean there's certain conversations I wish I had taped in my life which conversations do you wish you'd take well you know a little private quiet conversations that I wish their their Distant Memories now and and I really enjoyed them when I was having them so uh we sent people talking about fatties like this I belong to Overeaters Anonymous really yes this is the truth and it's a it's very a lot of you hear thin so but it is very very sad because we all sit there and the women cry cry and they go no one loves me and I always say yes yes your butcher loves you you're like one woman I mean last week which we at before I came over here she was saying things like I went on an airplane and she was sobbing and she said and they made me buy two seats and she just cried and then I said yes but now you can have two meals and she cooked up [Applause] do you dance no I have a I have a cousin you have a cousin yeah cousin good answer um 279 pounds 270 we started ballroom dancing Fred Astaire Studio met this lovely woman five months lost a hundred pounds got syphilis and died thank you if that's not being made into a musical all right hi I'm Jimmy Carter the guy you just saw in that video thanks for watching it because uh somehow I get money from that I don't know how I don't I don't know thanks for watching it and somehow that benefits me and hopefully I'll see a live show at some point further down the sunny Road good luck

Channel: Jimmy Carr

Views: 338,452

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Id: EKyL5FoNS0A

Length: 12min 12sec (732 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 20 2023