-Here you are. Thanksgiving.
Thank you for doing this. This means a lot to us.
-Well, my pleasure. My pleasure. -Do you enjoy Thanksgiving? -I love --
It's the greatest holiday. You know, of course, you have to
mix in the subjugation of the Native American culture
that is just so depressing. You know, what happened --
you have to acknowledge that. So, we're happy and we're --
Everyone loves Thanksgiving, but let's remember
it's an absolute horror. It's a horror of what happened. But the warmth of it
is irresistible. The warmth and
the horror of this day. -So it is a combination. -Like life itself.
-Like life itself. -Life itself.
Warm and wonderful. Underneath, horror and tragedy. -Do you stay home?
Do you have to travel? Do you have to --
-I will be home. And I am home. This is home.
-Yeah. -I live in New York. And one of the things I like -- Here's a nice thing that people
do, especially in holidays. You know, you have
that person, the relatives or somebody you really like,
and when they leave, you say, "Travel safe." Travel safe." And I think that's nice,
isn't it? It's like you know what
they're saying. They're saying,
"I care about you. -Yeah. -But, of course,
you can't travel safe. You can't --
You know, you drive. You get on a plane. I mean, maybe if you're
at a train crossing and the thing's
coming down and you think, "I think I can beat this train." You go, "Oh, wait a minute. They told me, 'Travel safe.'
I'm not --" -"I'm not gonna risk it."
-Yeah. "I'm not gonna do that." And the other nice thing about
"travel safe" is -- you don't notice
when people don't say it. Like, if you don't like somebody
and they're leaving, you don't go, "Travel." Because you would notice that. They'd get out the door
and they'd go, "That was weird. They didn't mention my safety.
That hurts my feelings. Yeah, I don't think
people like me. Next train crossing,
I'm going for it," you know? -But the whole family's there?
-Yeah, yeah. Family, kids, food. -I love talking to you
about kids, because I have two girls
going to school now, and raising kids and -- -Right. And you're in it, right?
-Oh, I am in it. -You're living their life.
-Yeah. -This is the part
I didn't think was gonna happen. I thought, "I grew up.
I'm done with that. I went to school.
I'm done with that." -Yeah.
-No, you're not done with it. You've got to do it
all over again now. Do it all over again. Let me tell you --
This is a true story, okay? When I grew up,
when I was a little kid, my mother would -- I don't know. She wanted me to be outside or she wanted me to be
able to play, so she would tie a rope
around my waist and tie the other end
to the garage door -- I'm not making this up -- so that I could play
in the driveway. And then she went back
in the house. Now, there's a lot of
weird parts to this, right? -I mean, I kind of --
-It's like the thousand clowns. ♪♪
Yeah. -So, you're tied to the --
-I was tied to the garage. Now, of course, as soon as
she went in the house, I untied it and
went about my business. You know, it's not hard
to untie a rope. But that was child-rearing.
-You're in the radius. -Yes. She felt like --
I think kids -- When we grew up,
we're like parakeets. As long as I don't lose
the parakeet, I'm doing my job, you know? I am parenting this child
if they're still here. -If they're still in the cage.
-Yeah. That's it. That's it. -And Jessica's doing well,
your wife? -Yes, Jess is doing great. -Is it -- 'Cause we've had -- -We socialize sometimes, you and
your beautiful wife, Nancy. -Yeah, we talk, and I kind of
find that, sometimes, we drift off into
doing a comedy bit, and especially when
I get with you. I start talking -- -Comedians are like -- They're
like Pekinese or Shar-Peis. They're just some
weird breed that they see another of their breed,
they get very excited. You know, "Oh, it's one of me.
It's one of me." You know, right?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, and I start going,
"Is this funny? Is that good?"
-Yeah. Yeah. -And I feel like, you know,
when we tell jokes, when I've seen your act, too,
you go, "Oh, my wife does this." -Yes. Now, I use my wife
in my act. I don't think you were ever
in this situation, where you say something
about Nancy that's absolutely not true. -I think I -- Yeah, sometimes.
-Do you? -That's, like, a comedy -- -Like, when you're doing --
You just say -- Can you say -- Is she fine with you saying
whatever you want about her when
you're doing your comedy? -It depends.
-Okay, that's a "no." That's a "no."
That is not... -Well, I mean,
she understands, I think, that there's comedy wife
and there's -- -Does she? 'Cause I think
comedians's wives have -- It's a little tough
for them sometimes. I do a thing about the -- You know in your car,
the dual-zone temperature? -Yeah. -Like, "Gee, I wonder
who invented that. I wonder who thought,
"That might come in handy to shut somebody up about,
you know, 'I'm freezing. I'm roasting.
It's blowing on me.'" -Yeah.
-You know? -Yeah. -So, I tell -- It's a whole bit
about my wife and how she gave
birth without anesthesia but can't handle
a waft of air 3 degrees off her optimum
desired temperature, you know? -Yeah. -And, by the way,
how do they keep the different-temperature
air molecules from commingling? Can they actually do that? I think they can,
'cause that's how I get my coffee in the morning. I like to get it black
on the left side, and I got cream and sugar
on the right. They can do it. -They can do anything?
-They can do it. -They can do any of that stuff. -But has Nancy ever
gotten upset with you about something
you've said, comedically? -I think she might have --
No, I don't mean -- It depends. -Yeah, it depends.
That's a "yes." No further questions,
Your Honor. -Yeah, but I go, "No,
it's not talking about you." -No. It's made up. Jessica never complains
about the temperature, but you have to use her. You're here to work
on the comedy. Everybody in the family has to
help with the comedy, right? -That's what I say.
I totally agree. Everyone's in on it.
-Right. Everyone's in. Right. -Comedy kids.
-They're comedy kids. Everyone's a prop.
-You're part of the act. -It's a family business, right? -It really is.
-Yeah. -I was talking to you about I had a weird outfit on
when we had dinner. -Yes.
-And it was -- -And I was talking about how one
of the problems of mature men, like ourselves, is the jeans. There is no jeans
for older men that nobody -- that people think look good. You just don't look --
There's no jeans. There's nothing you can do. -You think you reach
a certain age -- -You reach an age where
it's just bad. It's bad. You look bad.
-Men shouldn't wear jeans. -If you try and look cool,
is that gonna work? -I don't know.
-No. It's not going to work. -I know, but -- -Do you -- If you saw me
in really cool jeans, you would think,
"What an idiot," right? But if I'm wearing lame jeans --
There's no answer to this. You can't wear --
Now, we're still wearing jeans, but we don't look good. And nobody's gonna tell us.
Go ahead. Show off some jeans. You got a picture
of us in jeans? -Gosh, you really got
a good photo of me here. Yeah, I kind of --
-Yeah. See? Those jeans. Look at those shoes.
You look ridiculous. Look at me.
I don't look good either. I don't know what I'm -- -Well, don't worry about the --
The shoes are a mistake. I was trying to --
I don't know -- bring the moccasin back
or something. -Right. But I know I don't look cool and
I know there's nothing I can do. -I think this might be
my last year for jeans. -Yeah.
-Yeah. But I'll do it
and I'll celebrate. -Well, all dads dress
in the style of the last good year of
their lives, right? That's how they dress.
-Oh, my God. -Yeah.
-Oh, my goodness. I was there -- We were having
dinner, and I was wearing -- I was wearing just,
like, a weird -- Like, just a regular
golf shirt or something, a burgundy golf shirt, and I had burgundy checkered
pants or something and sneakers. And we had dinner, and
it was great. And then, at the end of
dinner, you go, "So, what's with the outfit?" And I go --
It was just me and you. You weren't doing it
for anyone else, just me. And I go,
"What are you talking about? It's, like, a normal outfit. I'm just wearing a golf shirt
and checkered pants." You go, "No, no." You go,
"No one wears this outfit." Someone does wear it.
I'm wearing this outfit. And you go, "No, you look like
a mannequin from Nordstrom's." Oh, my God. That made me laugh for like --
Oh, my gosh. That is the funniest thing ever. I want to talk quick about
your residency at the Beacon. -Oh, yes. I'm going back to
the Beacon Theatre. -I'm so excited for this.
-I love that theater. -What a cool thing. -Yeah. It's like -- You know,
I'm, like, at this point where I just want to be
in those places where comedy just feels and fits, you know,
'cause when we're starting out, we do comedy anywhere
anyone will pay us. -Yeah. -And now, you know,
I want it to be, like, in that test-tube, perfect
chemical environment. -Acoustically and -- -Yeah, acoustically
and the vibe of the room. And, of course,
it's, you know, New York, so -- -People, tourists come here, but
it's perfect to, like, go see -- What do you do it? Like once a month? -Yeah, like once a month,
starting next year. -I can't wait for this.
-Oh, me too. I'm so excited. I love that theater. -I'm happy you're doing that,
'cause I'll be showing up there in my mannequin outfit. Let's talk about,
also, the Netflix -- -Would you ever
come and work with me? You know, Steve Martin
has worked with me. Would you ever come
and work with me there as just a surprise drop-in? -I haven't done stand-up
in so long. -Oh, really?
You don't have a set? You don't have 15 minutes?
You can't do 15 minutes? Come on.
Bring your guitar. -I bring the guitar and props? -Bring the guitar and the props and the garbage bag
full of stuff. -I'll do it.
-Okay. -I'll do it.
-Surprise drop-in. You're gonna do
one of the dates. Okay, great.
-15 minutes? -Whatever you want,
whatever you got. -Let's say 5 to 10. -I did half of
your monologue tonight. -All right, all right.
Deal, deal, deal, deal, deal. The new show that you are
producing on Netflix. It's called "Stand-up and Away."
-Yeah. It's Brian Regan. I always wanted Brian Regan
to have his own show. -Me too.
-'Cause we love him. He's the funniest guy.
-I love Brian Regan. -But you get to a point --
Again, it's one of those things. I can't deal with the jungle of
network television and the layers of people,
and we're gonna talk about it and all that stuff. So, I said, "Let me
bring you to Netflix. They will do it right. They will --"
You know, so I brought him in. I said, "Let's just make
a show with Brian." But I'm not really doing
the show, okay? I want to be clear that --
I don't want credit, really. I just brought Brian
there and I said, "You've got to do
a show with this guy." Like, at the end of
your show tonight, there are credits, right? -Correct. -And there are
executive-producer credits of people who do
absolutely nothing on this show. Is that correct? Nothing.
They contribute nothing. -No.
-You're on-camera. Tell America
that there are people taking credit for this show
and doing nothing. Admit it.
-It depends. -It --
[ Laughter ] Our thanks to a legend,
Jerry Seinfeld, everybody, right there.
