Jay Shetty ON Purpose | 6 Healthy Ways to Heal and Move On From Heartbreak #2019

if you don't heal the hurt of your past you bleed all over your future hey everyone welcome back to another episode of on purpose I'm your host J shotty and I'm so grateful to have you in this community and it's been really amazing for me to see all of the amazing engagement around the podcast when you're sharing your insights on Instagram or Twitter or Facebook or even LinkedIn or YouTube wherever you're sharing them thank you so much I love seeing what resonates with you I love seeing what connects with you and I love seeing the impact that these episodes are having on your life remember I'm all about wanting you to transform your life your work and your love and I'm so grateful that you're giving me an opportunity to do just that so this week I asked you all on Instagram want topics you'd like me to cover on the podcast I thought this was a good idea because I really want to understand what's gonna help you the most what you're struggling with the most and what your biggest challenges are and hopefully you feel that when I'm asking you I really want to take all your feedback on board I want to try and incorporate the trends and the patterns that I see in what you're working through so I love learning from all of you and seeing what your biggest challenges and thoughts are so that I can try and help and one of the most popular responses this week that really stood out to me and that's the key this is what really stood out to me out of everything I looked through the biggest theme that all of you were asking about was heartbreak and breakups now I know this isn't an easy topic to talk about maybe some of you are going through a heartbreak or a breakup right now maybe you went through one month ago three months ago or one year ago or maybe 10 years ago but sometimes a heartbreak or a breakup can really leave a scar and today's episode for me is how do we really focus on healing what are the different methods and strategies and approaches that you can use really heal after a breakup or a heartbreak because the truth is there are no perfect answers the truth is time doesn't heal everything we have to try out different experiments different tests and hopefully I'll be able to share some insights with you today that are going to help you my true hope prayer and meditation today is that whatever heartbreak or breakup you're going through right now or from the past can truly be healed by taking on one of these practices in this episode I'm going to share with you some of the biggest research around breakups methods to actually heal a heartbreak and most importantly six of my favorite strategies that I believe are really ideal to move on from heartbreak that I really believe can help you not just deal with the issue but heal the issue and that's really important to me I think sometimes we focus on dealing with stuff when what really needs to be is the healing work that needs to go on and that sometimes takes a bit more time and a bit more effort so I know that there can be so many different types of heartbreak so many different types of breakup so many different reasons behind them and I'm sure you've experienced them at different stages in your life now if you're listening right now and saying J well I'm not going through a heartbreak I'm not sure this is relevant for me I'm sure maybe you've been through one in the past which isn't the best thing to have gone through but maybe you've struggled before or you've got a friend going through this so I want you to think about this as to how you can use the information to help a friend I know whether it's been me or a friend growing through a heartbreak or a breakup there's always someone in our lives who needs healing so I really hope this is going to be useful to you but here were the most common breakup reasons this was astounding absolutely shocking to me I couldn't believe it 22% of people break up because of cheating right it's incredible I've done podcasts on this before I've done videos on this before talking about cheating specifically it's probably one of the hardest breakups to go through because it's one of those that sometimes is unexpected totally unseen and it's one of those that kind of leaves the hardest dent on our self-worth and our pride and our self-confidence because we now are comparing ourselves to someone else so 22% of people that's over 1/5 the people that go through breakups is because of cheating that definitely needs to reduce the one that's higher than that is 28% of people break up because of lost interest I think this one's tough too sometimes because you don't get any closure you don't get any answers you don't get any reasons it's just like I lost interest it's probably one of the toughest ones to hear as well because it kind of feels like it came out of nowhere and you almost are left suspicious to believe that there could be someone else or there could be something else so this one leaves a lot of space for healing as well the third one is 20% of people break up because of distance now I know what you might be thinking you might be thinking that just means cheating - right like when there's distance between two people is that what's really happening this one I don't want to say it's easier to deal with because everyone's different but because there's some distance it requires a different method of healing and the fourth and final reason which goes on to the Box other is 30% I'm sure you can fill that up with lots of different experiences that you've heard of either through yourself or through your friends now whichever one you experience we all know none of the experiences feel great they almost feel like you've been uprooted plucked out like completely destroyed I'm sure you feel like your confidence crumbles I'm sure you feel that you lose faith in yourself and I get that but I want you to know this and I want you to remember this someone leaving you does not define yourself worth someone feeling like they've moved on from you does not define yourself worth it's why it's called self-worth it's not called other worth it's not called they're worth it's called you're worth it's self worth self worth it's something only you can define self worth is not defined by how someone treats you the truth is that in that moment you they start to undervalue yourself in that moment you may start to not recognize yourself worth your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth right remember that your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to not see your worth right and this is one of the biggest challenges we face over and over and over again there's a story that I love where a student asks a teacher what's the difference between I like you and I love you and the teacher beautifully replies when you like a flower you just pluck it when you love a flower you water it daily and sometimes we all experience that in our lives where we literally feel plucked right like you feel like in a moment everything was amazing everything was going incredible and then snap in a moment it all ends and no matter if you saw a breakup coming or you didn't see it coming it always feels like that and I'm sure you've tried a lot of things maybe you've tried burning pictures if anyone takes any real pictures anymore it's hard to burn our phones or burn our Instagram profiles or maybe you delete pictures right maybe that's the new way of burning pictures maybe you unfollow people on social media maybe you rebound and try and date someone else maybe you tried the revenge option whether it's a revenge body or a revenge life maybe you cry vent and share your anger or maybe you're someone who tries to hang out more with your friends I want to share with you what I read in an article on Business Insider and the time magazine where they tested different methods about how you can move on from a breakup or a heartbreak and they tried three particular methods the first one was negatively thinking and talking about your ex I don't know if you've ever tried that before and how that worked for you the second method they tried and tested was accepting your feelings of love towards an ex-partner and going through that process and the third one they tested was distraction and avoidance now I'm sure in different stages of your life you've employed different ones of those strategies but I'd love to share with you what they found so this small study was conducted by researchers at the University of Missouri and published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology I have to explain it was a very small test group but I still think that some of these results are indicative as to how I think they would go out the test group was 24 people age 20 to 37 who had been in relationships for an average length of 2.5 years so this was really looking at more long-term relationships and breakups and heartbreak so they tried these three different methods to help them recover the first one as I said before was negatively thinking and talking about your ex this could be a strategy that you've resorted to in the past or maybe you've tried to hold it all in I want to help you understand this a bit better the second one was reading and believing statements like it's okay to love someone I am no longer with you except your feelings of love you accept the feelings that you had for that person but recognize that you have to let go and the third was distraction or avoidance everything from positive thinking to just trying to get your attention somewhere else to measure people's responses they look to how a participant responded to seeing pictures of their exes after looking at these three strategies and they were also asked a questionnaire about their feelings now I wonder which one you believe would be the most effective the incredible thing is all these strategies decreased the participants emotional response to photos of their exes and this was really useful in helping them deal with the chance that they may bump into an ex right when you're walking down the street you go to a party you go to an event and you're bumping that person or whether you see them popping up on social media but this is how each of the three strategies performed looking at both the short term and long term benefits or outcomes of each of them the first one known as negative reappraisal ie thinking negative thoughts or saying negative things about your ex decreased love feelings but also made people feel more terrible in general they gave rise to unpleasant feeling and this isn't surprising to me see when we talk badly about someone of course it makes us like them less or love them less but it can lead to more deeper feelings of mistrust more deeper feelings of pain that we don't actually deal with by just thinking badly about them so even though in the short term it can lead to a benefit of reducing your love feelings it's not an ideal long-term strategy because it can still fill you with that negativity remember this when you're fixated on someone's negativity you become that negativity and that happens to so many of us if you constantly and consistently focus and keep thinking about someone's negative attributes their negative qualities their negative characteristics you start embodying them in your life and I've seen that happen to me so many times not just in relationships but when you start to see someone's negative again and again and again what you're doing is consuming your minds energy and your mind space with negativity so like I said this strategy has some short-term benefits of reducing feelings of love but in the long-term doesn't help you feel great about yourself the second option of accepting your love feeling for someone else didn't really lower the feelings of love or increase a long-term or short-term feeling in any other way accepting the feelings you had for love didn't really cause a shift either way and finally the option of distraction didn't change feelings but made people feel happier so when you distracted yourself from your breakup without addressing it it didn't change your feelings of love but it made you happier in the short term and this is a short-term coping mechanism because what it's actually doing is you're avoiding the actual issue you're not really healing it you're not really dealing with it but you're just distracting yourself so initially when you breakup distracting yourself can be useful because it just gets you outside it gets you outside of your own head but it can only be used as a short-term coping mechanism it's not something that I'd recommend employing in the long term so the I wanted to share those three methods with you is because those are usually the three methods that we would take on we would either complain about the person who hurt us we'd either still talk about how much we loved them or we try and distract ourselves what I want to share with you now in this podcast is the six methods that I believe are great to overcome heartbreak to really try and move on I find so much value in learning as much as I can about the world around me I'm always exploring new ideas fresh perspectives and I want to make sure I always remain a student of life one of my favorite ways to gather new insights is with the great courses plus it's a streaming service that offers unlimited access to learn from experts about any topic you're interested in I recommend checking out the course boosting your emotional intelligence because it offers great insights and tools from a UC San Francisco professor to help us understand and control our emotions which can help improve our personal relationships interactions at work our decision-making and even physical well-being and with the great courses Plus app you can watch or listen on the go whether you're at the gym or in your car I know you'll love the great courses plus so I've arranged this special limited time offer for all my listeners you get a full month of unlimited access to enjoy all of their lectures for free but to start your free month you must sign up through my special URL go now to the great courses plus comm /j remember that's the great courses plus comm /j [Music] my dad tells the best stories like the one about how he found a spiritual path or the embarrassing things I used to do as a kid but now that we don't live in the same place I miss hearing the stories all the time but which story worth it's easy and fun for your loved ones to share these stories with you regardless of where they are here's how it works number one you purchase a subscription for someone you love and each week storyworks sends them an email with the question about their life number two they simply replied to this email with their story all stories are private and only shared with family that you choose number three after a year their stories will be bound into a beautiful keepsake book I got story Worth for my mom for Mother's Day and my dad was a little jealous so I decided to get him one for Father's Day too if you still need a last-minute but incredibly meaningful gift for your dad you can get $20 off right now just visit story worth com /j to subscribe and follow the instructions the first one which might sound counterintuitive to what you'd expect from me but I really really mean this is you need to feel every emotion you need to feel how you feel and how that person has made you feel in this situation you can't heal until you feel like it's just not possible to heal until you're open to feel every emotion it's so easy to avoid it it's so easy to distract yourself it's so easy to push it away it's so easy for someone to say just toughen up just stop being so soft but the truth is you have to recognize and address every emotion when you don't give an emotion the attention it deserves it actually amplifies we think walking away from something reduces it when actually when you walk away from it you carry it with you this is the crazy thing about emotions you can't walk away from them you end up walking away with them they stay with you so first thing you have to do is feel every motion but convert them into labels articulate them effectively learn how to see the patterns in your emotions and express them and explain them to yourself one of my favorite ways to do this is to create voice notes all right if you're a writer you can write if you're a speaker you can speak if you're neither try one or the other and you'll start to grow start to articulate your emotions to yourself and listen back to them you'll immediately be able to figure out what the real issue is what the real challenge is and what's the venting the anger and the complaining that's going on top of it it's so important to feel with every emotion to heal it because when you feel it and then you start to articulate it and you start to label it and understand it that's part of the healing process the biggest mistake remember is avoiding them or trying to run away from them not realizing that you're taking them with you the second healing mechanism that really really works which I've seen work for myself and so many other people that I know is learning from the situation we have to focus on what we can learn from that heartbreak or that breakup see it's so easy to focus on what was then what is it's so easy to focus on how incredible it was how romantic it was how amazing it was a no to focus on what we're left with we like to replay the emotions in our mind again and again and again we almost have this imagination projector in our life running on how it could have been what it should have been how we felt it was going to go rather than accepting reality it's so important that we learn through reality and one of my biggest lessons around this space is when someone shows you their true colors don't try to repaint them this is one of the biggest mistakes we make when we don't want to learn from the situation but we keep trying to repaint that person and say oh maybe it was my fault maybe I got it all wrong maybe there you know maybe they need me to change and we start blaming ourselves for everything now I believe there are there is a need to take responsibility and personal responsibility but often we start seeing ourselves as the issue and not really recognizing both people's challenges it's so important for us to learn from that situation when we ask ourselves what can I learn from this we avoid making that mistake in the future so I'll say it again when someone shows you their true colors don't try to repaint them learn from that situation learn so that you can prepare for the future and don't focus on what was focus on what is as reality the third is expectation setting this is such a huge principle a lot of our views on love are based on movies music and messages in the media how many of your beliefs around what love should look like or could look like is based on movies music and the media right we all love rom-coms but we can't live by them you can love the movies but you can't live by them the words like spark chemistry we expect our partners to know how we feel without telling them and sometimes we expect them to completely read our minds but then when they can't we feel like our love is not like a Hollywood movie and then we feel that it's not real we feel like it's not good enough that it's not love it's so important that in a breakup or a heartbreak we use that reality to set real expectations right now this isn't a conspiracy theory it's so true let's take the story of the diamond ring I don't know how many of you know this but the diamond ring became a symbol for the proposal due to agencies brands and advertisers placing it into popular and mainstream culture everyone knows the slogan a diamond is forever before that time which was in like the 40s and the 50s and maybe the 60s people didn't propose with diamond rings but that became an expectation and then it became the expectation that a man would spend 2 to 3 months salary on a diamond ring where did that come from it came through media came through advertising it's so important to have a real picture together rather than a false one on your own it's better to have real expectations together than have false expectations on your own so many times a breakup or a heartbreak is a real reality check our expectations of an ideal relationship and the challenge we find is our expectation or picture was totally different to the expectation or picture the other person had one of the fourth ways that you can really learn and move on from a heartbreak is you learn the difference between emotional versus physical age emotional age is so much more important than physical age being at the same emotional age is being at a similar stage in life we think about people based on what age you are they are they three years younger than you two years older than you five years younger than you five years older than you we're constantly talking about the age of the body right but that has really no bearing on whether a relationship is going to be successful or not because no matter what age that person's body is they have a different emotional age and when you're building a relationship you're really committing to someone's emotional age not their physical age you're really building a relationship with that person's emotional age not their physical age you're building a relationship with their stage in life it's so important that you are aware of what stage in life you're at now and why you believe that you and this person who just broke up will not act the same emotional age or stage in life this has been such a huge breakthrough for so many of the people I've worked with so many people I've coached and so many people going through heartbreak because it's helped them recognize that actually they don't want to be with someone who wasn't at the same emotional age they don't want to be with someone just because they were perfect physically but they didn't really connect mentally or emotionally this is such a significant point that I don't want you to miss now number five is about dependency when we have a relationship someone we almost wrap our identity around our relationship with that individual hence the reason why we feel so much pain is when we no longer have that person we feel we no longer have that part of our identity and this is where in being single in our heartbreak we can start to improve our dependency and community we want the one to be the only one we expect one person to fulfill all our needs and when we put that pressure onto someone not only do we push them away we now create a vacuum in our lives that when they're gone we don't have other people in our lives how many times have you known a friend who as soon as they start dating they literally stop hanging out with you right as soon as they're in a relationship they stop hanging out with you they stop seeing you they stop going out with your friends this is one of the most dangerous things to do in any relationship so this is a great time in your life to start attracting the people you want to be in your life forever friends in certain areas communities around interest areas you start surrounding yourself and finding people who fulfill different things in your life and people that you fulfill different things for this is such an effective time to do that see when you start dating someone it's so much better to be in a situation where you have your emotional mental and physical needs fulfilled so that you're able to enhance someone else if you're looking for one person to fill that and if you've just lost one person who filled a lot of those that is going to keep repeating itself that cycle is going to keep causing an issue in your life it's so deeply important that you create multiple relationships that fulfill multiple needs in your life and that you find multiple people that you serve and grow so that you're also passing all of that on use this time to build those relationships to start new ones and to really start making yourself whole and recognizing you didn't just lose half of you you are already full you don't need someone to complete you you are complete you don't need to be with someone who makes you happy you need to be someone who makes you happy and that starts by building your own community and the sixth one that I wanted to share with you to move on after a heartbreak is please wait before dating if you don't heal the her of your past you bleed all over your future and so many of us do this again and again and again if we don't heal the heard of our past we bleed all over our future what I mean by that is we actually ruin the opportunity for an incredible connection an incredible relationship an incredible person because we're still trying to heal our past pains we bleed all over this new individual and that causes so much more hurt it causes so much more regret and pain wait before dating finding someone else rebounding revenge all of that is not an ideal way to move on from a breakup why because it causes more breakups it causes more broken hearts we see it again and again and again you go from a rebound that person now needs a rebound and that creates a rebound and revenge culture when you wait before dating you work on yourself you build your own self-worth you build your own self-confidence this is your time to really invest in yourself this is your time to really get to know yourself we often lose ourselves in a relationship so now we have to find ourselves in the heartbreak right we felt that our heart was full but now that that's gone away we have an opportunity to build and find ourself those are the six methods that you can use to move on and deal and heal from a heartbreak or a breakup I hope those insights have deeply helped you and are useful to you remember love is a verb not a noun we've been told love is what one feels but love is what one does to me that clears up so many misconceptions we have about love love is to feel and act lovingly now no one can tell us that they love us but treat us badly no one can tell us that they love us and then push us away no one can tell us that they love us and abuse us if we believe love is a verb when you break up with someone when you're going through heartbreak ask yourself were you being shown love or were you being told you were loved those are two completely different things I really hope that the six principles of moving on from heartbreak will really help you let go remember try and actually practice them on a daily basis if you need to listen to this again do that find the method that works for you remember certain methods are effective in the short term but you really want to work towards these long-term methods that I've shared because these long-term methods will leave you stronger better and more whole than you've ever been to actually have an incredible relationship an amazing relationship not just with someone else but an amazing relationship with yourself that's the key that's what heartbreaks are about that's what breakups are about they're a reminder for you to build an incredible relationship with your self thank you so much for listening to on purpose this week make sure you share your lessons and learnings and insights onto Instagram Twitter or Facebook I love seeing them I love sharing them I'm always doing that and I'm gonna keep asking you for the topics you want me to cover remember this was chosen by all of you and I absolutely love that thank you for crowdsourcing this incredible podcast this is all because of you it's all for you thank you so much for listening this is on purpose I'm Jay Shelly have an amazing week thank you so much for listening through to the end of that episode I hope you're gonna share this all across social media let people know that you're subscribed to on purpose let me know post it tell me what a difference it's making in your life I would love to see your thoughts I can't wait for this incredibly conscious community we're creating of purposeful people you're now a part of the tribe a part of the squad thank you for being here I can't wait to share the next episode with you [Music]

Channel: aLifeofMagicMoments

Views: 282,135

Keywords: Jay Shetty, Motivational, On Purpose, Podcast, Sound Cloud, Inspirational, Life Changing, Grow your passion, Tips, Grow, Personal Development, books, financial freedom, motivational speech, grateful thinking, heartbreak, pain, loss, hope

Id: 2zEx_S0DZNQ

Length: 30min 29sec (1829 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 08 2019