They Were Not the Love of Your Life... Allow Them to GO!

hey guys welcome back we are going to dive into four reasons why people will struggle to actually move on and get over their ex let's be honest there is no time frame there's no magic pill that we can take that just boom we're over it a lot of times we don't want to admit that we're vulnerable or that we do miss this person and we're not really working on ourselves to help cultivate like a good life we're kind of living in projection we're living in the past it can become a really addictive place place to live in first thing I'm going to tell you is that if you're living in projection and sometimes people don't even know that they're living in projection but projection is not real life projection is fantasy is not the reality of who a person is and the type of relationship that you are actually in we don't want to face that reality we don't want to see them with clear eyes and to be honest if you're wounded if you're insecure if you come from Fear if you come from lack you won't be able to see this person with clear eyes you will always see them from the lens and which you live in when someone's living in projection they're kind of stuck in this cycle of thinking that what they want to have happen is within reach that they're going to actually get what they want if they just try a little harder if they work a little harder so this has a lot to do with insecurity and codependency because if you're healthy and you have a good sense of self-esteem a good sense of selfworth you take people at face value you don't try to conform people and change people you're not manipulating them you're not Cod dependent you just feel good in your own skin so you don't really need this person for the unhealthy reasons that a wounded person needs this relationship or needs this person in their life will just become addicted to like I said the cycle of thinking that this relationship was going to be everything or that this person was my soulmate and that I'm I'm losing in some way when you're stuck in those thoughts and that rumination it's very hard to look at this the situation with clear eyes you're not going to allow yourself to move on moving on is actually a decision and a choice that you make over and over and over again now you have to balance that with feeling disappointment feeling frustration feeling sad sometimes because you're a human being and you feel and so you have to balance these two things you have to balance the feelings that you feel regarding situations that you're in and of course sometimes the feelings that you feel are coming from faulty stories that you're telling yourself as well so you start to realize that the more I start telling myself the truth that this is who this person is that this relationship was actually not good for me that I will meet someone right we can't just like stay in this reality or the truth of oh this person's toxic and I'm perfectly healthy no let's be completely honest with ourselves the honest answer here is that this person wasn't right for you and that that's okay not everyone you meet is going to be the love of your life but this is your opportunity to look at yourself and say okay what are some things that I was doing in this relationship that I am not happy about then I'm I don't want to be that way for my next partner and these are things that you're working on by yourself we all have a past and we all have things that we're trying to like overcome and and deal with but we're trying to rebuild our self-esteem here we're trying to look at ourselves and say I'm going to work on myself I'm going to look at this person with Clear Eyes I'm going to look at my standards in relationship I'm really going to start examining like all these different areas of my life and I am going to take full responsibility for them I'm going to start healing some things I'm going to start rebuilding some things I'm going to start setting goals for myself like you have to have that hunger inside that drive and that's something that you have to cultivate every day that's something that you make an effort to have every single day that's why I tell people all the time when you are going through a breakup when you're going through a divorce when you're going through just a difficult time in life it is necessary that you feed your mind and not just feed your mind with educational videos that give you validation that this person was cualo and that you're the healthy one no we don't need to be sitting on the therapist couch and just solely get validation we need to also say how do I need to be taking better care of myself how can I be getting out of my comfort zone I deserve love I deserve wealth I deserve a great job and we have to start goal setting it took going through this painful situation or relationship for you to wake up that's totally fine that's perfectly okay you're here and that's all that matters you're no longer with your head in the sand or on that side you're now on the other side and you're going to start working on rebuilding but when you think that you are the problem you think that something you did cause this or that all of their actions had to do with you that you were a nag that you weren't pretty enough that you weren't good enough that you didn't do this enough if that's the the story that's being played in your mind your self-esteem is already low let's just be honest it's going to just keep doing this this is for the person that probably is new to this where they really don't understand the animal that they were dealing with and they are just constantly blaming themselves because the other person told you that you were the reason why they don't love you anymore or that they did this and there was never an acknowledgement on their part to say sorry that I did all these things sorry I behaved in this way because I have issues I have my own stuff that I don't even know what's going on inside of here but it it's on me it's not on you you didn't have that person let's just be honest and you probably still don't have that person if you have to co-parent if you have to still deal with someone who is unhealthy most people are not going to acknowledge yeah I'm the problem or yes I have these things that I have to work on most people don't they like to project they like to put it on you you they like to say that you were the problem and if you take the bait and you just keep feeding that story guess what your self-esteem goes down your selfworth goes down you are stuck in this cycle or you're you're stuck at the mercy of this person telling you that no it wasn't you it was actually me you don't need them to tell you that you don't need the validation to know that they're not healthy now this doesn't mean that you're just so incredibly healthy and they're not but it does mean that there is a really big problem here I'm going to look at my actions and take responsibility for them and you need to do the same but most people are not going to do that most people who are narcissistic unhealthy completely no one's behind the wheel you're not going to get any of that from them I cannot tell you how many people I've just even known personally that allowed a situation to make them feel like they were the problem that they weren't good enough that there was something wrong with them and that those sprinklings of Lies kept them stuck in not feeling like they deserve more or not pushing themselves out of their comfort zone like they just didn't have a really high self sense of self-worth because of those comments and they let those comments continue now if someone wants to deem you the problem that's fine you can't control that but whether or not you take that and feed it and run with it now this is something that has to do with you this is where we're in an addictive cycle of believing the lies and we have to go against the lies to affirm who we actually are what we really deserve that takes work so if you're not putting that work into you building yourself up every single day no I am important no I am a catch no I am going to have this no I do deserve this if you're not affirming that every day when other people tell you that you're the problem you just believe them and you just feed it because you have to feed a story every day we feed stories now whether or not they're good stories or bad stories that's where you get to choose but someone can you know put a story right in front of you the news does that Society does that people in your life do that they come with their own fears their own worries their own insecurities their own projections and when it shoots at you you have free will to decide am I going to take this feed it and roll with it or am I going to reject it and replace it with something else that's your free will let's talk about number three the addiction to overthink is so incredibly real ruminating and overthinking is a form of anxiety we want the control to know what was the problem was it me was it you like there's just this anxious need for validation or control or and and a lot of people don't even know that they're like circling and circling and ruminating they just love it it's an addiction and even though they know nothing good is going to come of this they still want to do it and want to do it when you're coming out of real significant trauma I know that that's really hard to do because essentially your brain has been hijacked and you don't always have control over the thoughts that your mind is going to produce I mean at the end of the day you can't consciously decide what you're going to think in every single moment you start doing something at work you start driving in the car you start you know mowing the lawn and all of a sudden your mind just starts blah blah blah and it kind of goes off and it does what it wants to do and it starts creating thoughts that it wants to think but when you can acknowledge oh look I'm now indulging in this fear thought worry thought insecure thought jealous thought whatever that's where you have free will so you only have free will when you're consciously aware when you're not consciously aware you're going to just do what you've always done and that's why rumination and thinking and overthinking is such an addiction because when you're doing it you're not aware that you're doing it you're only aware that you're doing it when you start suffering when you start suffering and you're hitting enough pain then all of a sudden it's like your mind kind of wakes up and it goes oh wait I'm in pain like why am I in pain but most people don't understand the process of being aware of all of that that oh look I'm indulging in this thought oh they're not mindfully practicing this stuff I feel like this is especially true when you're going through a difficult time when you're going through a difficult time it's just like being sick when you're sick you take care of your body you make sure you're eating well you make sure you're drinking enough liquids all of those things you start checking off the box and maybe you weren't doing that previously and that's why you got sick and this is no different when your mind starts to get sick and it's like ruminating and going over the story over and over again and oh my God this was the love of my life and I'm the victim and and that just is too much and you start to really feel like crap that's your opportunity to go okay I guess I haven't been taking care of myself I guess I haven't been taking care of my emotional and my mental state a big part of rumination also has to do with loneliness and boredom I know this sounds a little ridiculous but most people don't have enough friends um a big enough Circle they don't have a lot of stuff on their list of fun things to do throughout the week they're just consumed with life and work and responsibilities and they don't ever kind of stop and pause and say what will actually bring me joy this week what is something that I want to do what's something that's good for me to do it is important to start creating more of a fulfilling life for yourself and you get to determine what that looks like I talk about this a lot in my high value boot camp in that course we talk all about the different areas of life we talk about your financial life your romantic life your friendships your hobbies your home life all of those things because at every point in your life you are working on a different area regardless of what you go through in life divorce breakup you know difficulty anxiety depression whatever it is like I lost my job and no matter what happens to you in life there's these seven areas of life and we're always examining all of them now when life becomes really overwhelming it's when all seven of these areas or maybe like five or six like a lot of areas in your life need changing or they are changing so when too many areas of your life are changing we can all become very overwhelmed and this is where we tend to get stress get anxiety depression things like that but for the most part if we're just living life and and we're balancing life there's always one or two of these seven areas that are at the top of the list maybe you are looking to buy a house well guess what your home life is at the top of the list maybe you are single and you're looking to meet someone well a relationship romantic relationship is at the top of the list so if you feel lonely like you just want to be around people then you need to have people around you and you need to start creating a life where there are people around you and you can share and give love and get get love in return and have those kind of interactions that's important if you feel lonely even when you are around a lot of people that's because you're just not parenting yourself that's because the stories that your mind is constructing are taking you down rabbit holes and you feel less than if you are feeling less than because if you're honest with yourself you're just kind of bored in life and there's nothing really fun and exciting going on and you're not working towards anything then this is your opportunity need to look at these seven areas of your life and think to yourself okay well what area do I want to focus on now I do a lot of this when I coach people is the aspect of goal setting because the difference between when I used to when I had been in therapy years ago and I've dabbled in it over the years during different transitions um I loved it it was great but there is a point I I feel like unless you have a really great therapist that knows both aspects of therapy and of moving person forward feel like a lot of therapy is that doesn't happen where you're able to move forward you're just able to get the validation you learn some things about yourself and the acknowledgement maybe is huge but you're kind of like living here the aspect of coaching is we're going to spend one minute in the past we're going to sit in it I'm going to give you the validation because you need it it's important but I'm we need to be moving forward we need to be goal setting and not just like ooh let's goal set to like achieve and like let's make a million dollars yeah that's great but I want you to goal set but I also want you to be really content and happy with where you are regardless of what you have or don't have right now so finding that balance is key at least for me in my practice so I hope you guys enjoy this video I hope you liked it if you did don't forget to hit subscribe down below don't forget to also click on the notification Bell so you can get informed when I upload a new video we are uploading a couple more videos a week just to give you guys and start answering some of your questions we're going to start talking about some Wellness stuff and real significant motivation because when you're going through these difficult times it's so incredibly important to learn how to get over this hump and just get yourself on that other side and that's what I hope this channel does for you as my computer just gives me a notification so I hope you guys enjoyed this video and I'll see you in the next one take care

Channel: Stephanie Lyn Coaching

Views: 190,011

Keywords: how to move on quickly, soulmates, narcissistic relationships, trauma bond, how to break a trauma bond, getting over someoe you're in love with, reasons why i'm not over it

Id: WmRQgRvr10g

Length: 15min 21sec (921 seconds)

Published: Thu Nov 02 2023