Iyanla Vanzant On Maintaining Relationships, Feminine & Masculine Energy, The Power Of Silence +More

wake that ass up in the morning The Breakfast Club morning everybody it's DJ Envy Charlemagne the guy we are The Breakfast Club but we got a special guest in the building the legend Ayanna vonzon welcome welcome thank you good morning thank you for the gifts too she came bearing gifts that's right yeah this looks like it smells great Masterpiece Spirit of a man that is my uh line of natural body products it cleans your body as it clears your energy oh yeah and you said put this on in the shower this is the shower after glow shower oil yeah it's the Afterglow put it on in the shower okay you can even you know use a little water to rinse it off I just want you to feel good and look good I'm gonna try tonight you better yes and your and your African black soap body wash it's not soap it's body wash body wash how are you I'm blessed I'm so excited to see you I'm so what am I I'm proud of you thank you happy for you thank you I've been watching you grow and unfold and just to see y'all work together it just makes me smile I like a proud mama oh there you go hey there you go so how have you been I've been good because you've been running we've fixed my life and now you is it's not anymore so how do you feel after that how are you doing do you miss it you know I do not I do not um I was so exhausted it literally took me two years to land back in my body oh why dealing with everybody else's energy and yeah and being on the go all the time I hadn't been home more than two weeks and probably 15 years between the show and speaking um so it took me literally two years through the pandemic and that's when I realized how exhausted I was and then after the pandemic I was like where's my life where am I um so to get back in my body to get back in my house I hadn't spent three weeks consistently in my house in over 10 years uh and then to decide what I want to do do nothing you know that's a good thing so I I make my products and I quilt and now I have a podcast the R Spot our spot um and I'm raising my five-year-old great-grandson [Laughter] single by choice uh I lost my partner right on the end of the pet at the beginning of the pandemic oh you already hear that condolences so other than that you know just focusing on healing the world absolutely so was it worth it fix my life oh every moment okay I loved it I loved it I loved the people you know I'm a teacher that's what I do it was it was life-giving to me and when it was done it was done and again like I said I didn't realize how exhausted I was because I was in it you know you're in it you're doing it you're going it was absolutely worth it people still recognize me in the streets you know they say out of sight out of mind well not for me I can't go to the Walmart at the gas station no you it's like wait a minute let me tell you the funny joke I was looking for something and I just you know I'm a wandering around on a Sunday afternoon and winning the Goodwill and all the people in the Goodwill recognize me and I know they were saying what in the world is the Oliveira said doing in the good news it's like somebody need to help her fix her life well her life that fell apart yeah you know so um yeah it was absolutely worth it and if nothing else the legacy of fixed my life and really what it did on television um just like starting over that I did back in the early 2000s I think it said a trend and I'm waiting to see who's coming up behind me who's going to be the next one I don't know if there is an authority like for you like you were looked at as an authority in that in that department I don't know if there's anybody that we look to like that more than the authority they just need the gift see I think fix my life worked because I wasn't doing television um I was doing healing and it didn't matter to me I I had to train myself it didn't matter to me that the camera was in front of my face if I'm gonna yell at you I'ma yell at you if I'm a Huggy I'm gonna hug you if I'm gonna kiss you if I'm gonna tell you business so I think that whoever it is that wants to step into that space to do healing in that way can't be someone who wants to do television they have to be committed to the work and that's why I could walk away when my spirit said this is done I could walk away because I wasn't there to do Television right I was there to do healing I also think the way mindfulness has evolved in the conversations we're having about mental health and healing it's kind of hard for like we all know nobody can fix someone else's life absolutely and I always said that I always said that I'm giving you tools and information I'm helping you identify the issue because very often people don't even a know they have an issue they think it's somebody else or B know what the issue is and then if they recognize the issue they don't know what to do about it so that's what the beauty the power of fix my life that people were participatory and they could oh I know that's my mother that's my old looking oh I do that never call you back to say hey we need you for one more like do you ever look on social media online and be like they would need me all the time people say we missed your show we need you back blah blah blah like blue play blueface and Christian I don't know if you know who they are they would need you I can't see this generation with this really no people know who I am no I agree with that but I just think that it still has to be respect I think even with those others it was respect I don't know if the generation has that respect for their Elders they have it for me and I don't know why maybe because I wear jeans or have a cleavage I don't know but they really do I meet them in the Target and I say to them how do you know who I am my mama made me watch your show okay so the young people they do you know what Charlemagne I think it's your presence is how you carry yourself now I could probably predict that maybe um 10 to 15 000 people would drop dead on the spot if I ever showed up somewhere in a thong I think so we had to stop not because I'm in the thong but because Auntie iyanla oh my God she's lost her mind she's dying so I think that's your presence I think it's your presence and I've always had a present not that that demands but commands of respect and I always I hope I have I carried myself in in such a way and I did it you know now that we're in women's History Month I carry myself that way because my grandmother who was a Native American who passed for black in the early 1900s it was easier for her to be black than it was for her to be a Native American wow scrub floors and toilets in Yonkers and White Plains to feed me and my brother I am her vision I am her Legacy I am you know having been able to go to college and law school walk away from welfare walk away from practicing law to do my calling in the world I can't disgrace my grandmother that's right who was spit on who had to come in the back door you understand who had to make shrimp salad for the French poodles I have a responsibility and in terms of the young people nobody is teaching them that I have a responsibility to rissy Harris and Sahara Elizabeth Jefferson my mother who scrubbed toilets on the Pennsylvania Railroad who died of breast cancer when I was two because as a black woman she didn't have medical coverage and they didn't have the money to pay for her mastectomy so who am I I can't get on the on the pole might be fun but I can't you know I wanted to ask you too like when you talk about covert I feel like none of us were the same after you know going through covet but like who was there for you when you know after your partner transitioned and thought like who is that for you you know this is gonna sound weird I I think God and the Holy Spirit you know the state that our relationship was in at that time he was in Philly I was in Maryland but in our hearts we were still together and I knew when he refused treatment I knew that transition was his choice and because I loved him I honored that choice he wouldn't want me to be here sad and weeping and carrying on you know and the fact that he was in Philly we would buy stable the fact that he was in Philly and I was in my home I didn't have to go through the missing of him physically all the time but still I never felt sad for him or sad I don't think sad is the world of course there's natural grieving and the missing of the but he refused treatment that was his choice and I had to honor that I had to respect that at our spot for people that don't know what are you discussing and talking about and going through enough relationships relationships because they a mess they're a mess right now have you seen going on what's the biggest thing people want to discuss with relationships I why it doesn't look the way they think it should look they believe in fairy tales yeah yeah yeah why it doesn't look the way they think it should look and also this is huge in relationships why they aren't getting what they're giving I do this and I give that and I did this and he did this so she did that because men call me too Charlemagne um yeah because we've made relationships relationships transactional um they're not so full or Soul filled anymore they're transactions you give me this and I'll do that you do this you make me feel this this that's crazy and also control um making somebody prove they love you over and over and over again let me see how bad I can behave and if you'll stop loving me or um let me say this or do this and if you don't respond the way I want you to that means you don't love me it's crazy I don't understand it and other wounded people right like if you're doing that to a person that means that you we all wounded yeah you do know that right absolutely do you know do you know that we're all crazy as hell absolutely absolutely I remind myself but so it's not the woundedness it's the miss interpretations of love the wounds or the experience of being wounded disrupted our expression and experience of love so so many of us have loved wired to pain you know we have love wired to struggle we have love wire to so many dysfunctional things that it just manifests in our relationships so right now I'm focusing on women and relationships and I say women because ah we we got to get this together what do you mean don't wash your tongue now you know I will not my experience and my observation is that most women are men in skirts meaning that the way their presence their being the way we roll in the world it's very masculine because we've been conditioned and programmed out of our feminine and when I say I don't mean feminist movement in the world I want to be a fireman or football player I'm talking about it I'm talking about how to be a woman in your being what is the distinction between feminine power and masculine power and we've been conditioned and trained to be men in skirts we do everything like men we compete like men we you know I said this on the our spot a few weeks ago I said most women want their boyfriend to act like their girlfriends you know chatting shopping but when the man comes home what they meet is another dude you know how women are up it's just so why do you think that happened why did you such a problem it's a problem first of all because the feminine presence is missing on this planet that's why we've got so many so much hoopla and conglomeration going on with the weather with the politics with the because see the old male guard is dying that masculine patriarchy it's dying off and you see them fighting and clawing hold on to power with all that's the whole Roe v Wade turnover are we gonna control you we're gonna we're gonna control you and yahuwah okay like women get pregnant by themselves we need to have a uh some Bill where men are uh involuntarily sterilized how about that can we do that just take your old weenie out put it up here let me whack on it my wife want me to get in protected myself I'm down for it so so um that's number one and so but we have been programmed and conditioned and and raised where our feminine power and our presence as females is Dishonored disregarded disrespected just in the world not just by man and we've also been taught and trained that our softness is inappropriate it's dangerous our emotions are inappropriate and and you know nobody wants to be bothered with that so where do we go with that how do we know do you if a woman knew that her greatest power was silence that's our greatest power because then she can hear but we run our mouth all the time talking about everything Stillness if a woman really understands and knows who she is she can walk in the room and take control of every man in the room how she walks how she sits how she talks how she be we don't know how to be women we know how to do what women do when you think that was lost for black women of course of course you know we are in slavery because we had to diminish ourselves and our hearts who we were as women was our became dangerous because we were just raped and violated we were subject to what anybody else wanted to do with us we watched Our Fathers and Sons be hung a woman can survive a rape but a man can't survive a hanging so for a mother to watch her son be hung or her husband or her father and then have to not be able to say anything so we lost our voice we lost our dignity we lost our majesty and we lost our medicine we lost it you know and it's those old grandmothers those old church grandmothers that you know made us wear girdles and all of those things teaching us at the table I had these aunts Aunt Lizzy on Alma Aunt Dora Aunt Nancy and they were cigarette smoking liquor drinking card playing women who would get together on Saturday night and I'm in the corner listening I learned a lot two things I noticed about them they always wore a skirt they cussed and they smoke they cigarettes and drank they liquor but the hoo-ha was connected to the Earth they always was scared they did not wear pants and they all knew how to cook Lizzy did the fish um uh Nancy did the hog maws Alma did this the that the other thing and they all I learned so much from those women where are women sitting around talking today in a way that teaches the young girls you know social media but it's mean it's mean talking I want you to search social media I want you to search social media I want you to search everywhere and find one place you've ever heard me speak against another black woman a woman period I don't do that I want to pull up on her have a conversation with her you know so one of the things that I'm doing this year that I I you know I prayed about it and I've committed to it I'm going to do a Rites of Passage program for women what's that going to look like well I can't I want women from all over this country and I know with covet and money and everything so we're going to do nine weeks online because a woman's training her development is in alignment with her age and every age of a woman has a lesson has a blessing has a gift has a Grace women don't know that we know as as indigenous women Native American women some African women so there's the 20s is a clan there are some things 20 year olds need as women to hear to do to master to surrender there's something 30 year old women need to grow to heal to learn and if she didn't handle it at 20 now she's got her 20 issues in her 30s if she doesn't handle it at 30 they're in the 40. that's why you got 50 year old women walking around acting like they 30 because they didn't handle their stuff they didn't learn their lesson they didn't Master their gift they didn't know their service so I know those things I'm old I know I look good say that every time I see you but I'm old now what about on the other side when you talk about you know women losing what about men losing masculinity yeah because I wonder if women have to show up I guess as you say as men in skirts because the men haven't been men well men were raised by women hello we're all out of order but I'm not arrogant enough to tell a man how to be a man I can help you heal but then what you do with that that's you on your own I can tell a woman how to heal I can tell a woman how to be a woman why because I was taught I was trained you know what my grandmother and my sister my aunties taught me 70 years ago you don't even hear that today you don't hear about it I don't know what so my thing is I want to share this medicine this information this knowledge so the way it's formulating in my mind right now and the way my team and I are putting it together we're going to do nine weeks online where the women work in their Clans 20s 30s 40s 50s 60s 70s and then we're going to come together for the ceremony ritual and initiation because this initiations that women need you know men get circumcised women do something else and so many of us didn't get it you know in some traditions like the bar mitzvah or the Bat Mitzvah in the Jewish tradition and some people do Rites of Passage for their 13 16 year old but what about all of the women that didn't have any of that that's right they weren't barred or batted no rights so I don't um we're all out of order but we as the women in this time have the power to bring it all together didn't your wife get you straight absolutely did your wife get you straight oh yeah okay absolutely yeah why because she was standing in her presence as a woman had your best interest at heart correct it's going to support you back into wholeness not compete with you and not beat you down and so more of us have to do that so that our sons and our brothers and husbands you know and and I'll confess I used to be one of those women that beat men down with my mouth and my mind and I heard myself one day say men are so stupid and I said wait a minute hola is your son stupid is your father stupid is your brother stupid and I had to check myself and that's when I really went on this Quest to look at myself as a woman my power my Majesty if you said to a woman show me Your Majesty what's that show me your divinity and who's going to do it that would be me you made me think about something because you know I I thought about this like when they I saw like a documentary I said uh I think it was called the type what is a woman and it talks about identity and you know uh biological born males who I identify as as women what do you what do you feel about that I don't think I feel anything um because people everybody has their lesson and everybody has a right to choose and I can't judge because I don't know I've never had that experience I was born with a hoo-ha I love my hoo-ha with friends yes so I don't know in this body what it would feel like to me if I wanted to be a man I don't know so I can't speak to that um and I certainly can't judge it and I I don't have that experience I don't know yeah I've always wonder what what does that do for people's ultimate perception of women like I hear women saying well I'm a biological woman like it's just just you know I don't speak that way because I'm old you know what you know I guess I'm sorry I I you know and I listen to the young people and I want to be and I just I don't understand yeah yeah I don't know you know when the silence comes into play yeah yeah that's when I just shut the hell up excuse me everybody so Conti said a bad word that's all right but you know here's the piece that I don't understand I don't understand it so I don't have no he don't know judgment but I've never run around talking about me being a heterosexual never I just you know I'm strictly dickly been that way all my life I guess it was just natural you know but I've never run around talking about that so I'm trying to adjust to all of this conversation in the world about your sexual preference or your body parts I just don't understand that and for me where I come from nothing is private anymore right nothing is on the the social media everything everything nothing is private what happened to privacy where is it so what that does is it strips us of a level of dignity I think or where everything is just okay I I just I don't understand it but you know so I just watch now for couples that that fight a lot you know a lot of times couples get into a lot of different things what are some things that you would advise them to do so they can get out of that phase hella true that might lead to a fight that's where it started there's some hidden hurts unspoken hurts that lead to that fighting is not bad I like I'd rather have a couple fight than for them to be indifferent if they're indifferent and whatever you do fine shut up you know I don't care that's that's with you in trouble but if you can fight Fair you you know you good so there's a truth that you have to tell and there's a power struggle there's a struggle for power and control um and if you're really fighting bad you need outside intervention because you cannot clear an upset with the object of your upset understand so I'm mad at you you're the object of my upset and now you and me trying to clear the upset we're just gonna whip ourselves around in circles you need a neutral third party to come in and help you a different perspective the other thing is to figure out here are the four questions that I think every relationship needs to ask everybody in a relationship is this an important relationship in my life because sometimes BooBoo and kafada are fighting and they don't even they you know they don't even care I mean just because you hear right now you're the one for right now is this an important relationship in my life number that's the first question and the second question you have to ask yourself is do I value this person and do they value me you can tell that from Behavior the third question is am I willing to take 100 responsibility for the state of this relationship meaning I can't change you I can't fix you but the state that it's in the arguing the lack of support the adversarial whatever it is am I willing to take 100 responsibility which means am I willing to look at what I do not what you do what am I doing and what's motivating me and the final question is am I willing to do the work to heal it no matter what the other person does and that's the big one what's the answer to that question most of the time are people willing to do the work they look they're drooling at me from the first question is is this an important relationship in my life well yeah it's important to me that's my wife that's my husband why is it important to you why is it important answer or do you value this person do you feel valued by this person it usually breaks down right up in there and then when you get to 100 responsibility each one can tell you what the other one did or didn't do or isn't doing or what they like or don't like but they're not willing to take 100 responsibility and so yeah relationships are big you said you're single by choices has it been difficult for you throughout the years just because you are who you are and people feel like they might have to have have it all together before they step to you or you know be close to Hill healed this up to you well no not healed I ain't healed Charlemagne I want to say close to none of them I just wear it well the thing is I'm crazy and I know it most people are crazy and they deny it and that's what gets them in trouble know you're crazy give it a name train it okay don't just let it run a mock but um I think most Brothers are afraid to approach me for whatever reason white men are not at all they roll up nice and I feel like young men would be trying to holler at you oh in the gas station the man told me he loved me he said he said I said are you flirting with me he said yes I like older woman women I said do you know they can give you worms he said I'm 37. I said baby I got underwear older than you what do you say let me see [Laughter] just Cheap Thrills in the gas station it was so wonderful I was happy with myself that I recognized that he was hitting on me but I did ask just to check I said are you hitting on me he said yes ma'am I said see that's the problem if you got to hit on somebody you call ma'am that's a problem boo take yourself on home so what do you do in the white man holiday you I'm nice to them I am nice to them you know they have a different approach than the brothers what's their approach they want to talk about what you do um they want to talk about what you do you know and a lot of them know my work and uh and then they asked this question you know I'd really like to take you to dinner sometime is that something you could be available for no I don't want to lead you on I don't want you to even um you know and um I wish I like seeing it listen I like seeing black men with black women I'm Unapologetic about that I think black love is revolutionary I I I you know it might be good for I mean because I know how some really good girlfriends that their husbands are not men of color I just don't grow that way I don't but it's always interesting to me I and they do they always want to know what you do and where you've been and if you like to travel and all of that and I'm really very nice to them what do you think what do you think about uh people who are into like the polygamy nowadays those those relationships with well see I'm old so I could do polygamy I would just want her to be younger so he don't have to be bothering me all the time go over there she's 42. I'm 70 going take your butt off you can do that yeah oh yeah okay okay you know what you joking are you serious what do you think the benefits could be very serious really oh yeah I could do that when I was younger I couldn't because I didn't know who I was and I didn't understand the value and the purpose of a relationship so when I was younger I didn't do cheating I didn't do cheating but I could do polygamy I could I could be one of other wives in this day and age really I couldn't have done that when I was 30 or 40. I didn't I was I ended up marrying a man who was a polygamous my second husband was came out of a polygamous relationship and at that time I thought you know you're cheating I still don't do cheating if we're going to do that it has to be an open conversation and agreement but you sneaking around the corner with you know Chris the Mata uh-uh no no I don't do cheating because you know why it's dishonest I agree and if you're gonna lie to me then I can't trust you but if we sit down and this is what we want to do I like it because you'll be over there sometime I'll be over here I don't have to cook I stay for my toilet paper you don't have to my toothpaste you know go on go and have you and I think we can tell people who they can and cannot love I and I if I love you and you're saying this is what you need to support satisfy yourself why would I say no to that because I know who I am as a woman and I don't know if it's possible for one person to satisfy every need another person has and if the other person is willing to say well this is what you give me I'm willing to set that's fine but if we're together and I'm not living up to everything you need and that's what you need to take care of yourself I know most western women are hearing me now and they are like she'd have lost a rapid oh yeah they ain't ready for this conversation you give me no but it's true I'm not subscribe to our spot but hear me when you consider the number of men of color who are incarcerated when you consider the number of men of color young men of color who died of violence this just not enough of y'all there isn't so what do we do if we want to be in relationship with a man of color and I'm talking black and brown man what do we do because they're destroying the Red Man on the you know they're destroying them with their liquor in their casinos so indigenous women are having the same issue but in many Native uh indigenous Nations polygamy is part of the culture it is but you don't think being with one person is natural no I do I do think it's now yeah I think if that's your choice I do think it's you asked me if I could do it I said yeah I could do it absolutely but if I'm not advocating that that's for me I've learned a long time ago that don't make decisions for other people I can hardly find my glasses you know we have we had a lot up here about like uh how long ago was that a month and a half ago maybe two months about eight weeks ago but she was talking about marriage and she said that people today don't date for marriage and marriage isn't a priority it is for people anymore yeah that's true it's changed people don't even date anymore I come from the day when you didn't take the guy home the first night and give him a key I didn't I don't come from that time now you might take him around the corner and give him a little bit and act like you didn't but you didn't take him home and give him a key you just didn't do that you were sneaking Pete do people date Court I'll tell you a funny story when my daughter was about 16 years old I came home one day I come from the the age in the area where you don't bring no boy in the house if your mama ain't home right did you come from that yes and so I came home and she was in in the living room they were sitting on the sofa watching TV it looked very Innocent but then I know about sneaking around the corner and acting like you didn't and I come from the time when when a young man comes to a young lady's house for the first time he a has to bring a gift for the parents to the mother at least and he wants to meet the father that's where I came from so I came in there sitting on the sofa and I looked at him and I said who are you who are your people and why are you in my house with my daughter and where's my gift he ran out of there Robert that's real though that's it where's my gift would you come here to get something from my daughter and you don't bring me a gift who are your people where you come from and he was so my son said wait a minute Mom what's your name son you know but where's that at yeah we're the fathers looking at who the girl is going out with and we're the young men that you just come and Mama's not home and you roll around in the hay and you don't even bring Mommy a cookie a flower or nothing but those are the Traditions that's not being taught no more I know but we're going to teach them in the Rites of Passage we got a certain kinds of things because I think sometimes we get our Hearts broken as women because we don't we give away our dignity too soon and our value too soon and we don't have appropriate requirements your wife has certain requirements for you doesn't she absolutely does your wife of course I know she does there's certain things that even if you think about it you want to punch yourself in the eye all the time I beat myself up for thinking about it that's right because she has certain what does only call you higher absolutely and being able to talk to her about that those things even about just those thoughts it helps the relationship yeah and it calls you higher but if I'm gonna support you and being down in your lowest common denominator and then beat you up about it and I'm talking Partners I'm talking mothers with sons that's really my concern I really want to support mothers and balancing themselves because when the woman is balanced it just has a ripple effect just like when she's out of balance when your wife is upset in that nerve-wracking for you absolutely whole house the whole house the dog the fish stops women that's right everything so I really want to because the planet needs us right it's not just about our personal relationships you know when I I didn't run around when I was in a relationship nobody knew unless we went somewhere together but just adding that balance we don't have to talk about it and display it and all of that stuff but for a woman to be in balance in her mind and her life and her spirit the valuable contribution that she makes to everything the workplace the hospital the kitchen you know you know how many women are feeding their children bitterness and resentment and unforgiveness it's in the Grits it's in the Grits that's real wow they still mad at the baby daddy and they cooking that up in the in the mashed potato no no stop it clean yourself up he'll be back or not maybe you know if he don't want to be with you that's his loss man subscribe to the all spots mean you know what the G-Spot is I do know that she's good right yeah well our spot is something good did you get that voice did you get that voice and we got that voice yes it means relationships got you yeah make sure you subscribe to the uh our spots well thank you for joining us okay tell me how you like your spirit of a man okay I definitely will do that's absolutely well thank you so much you can give the bar to your wife because I don't like to bring other women's husbands gifts so give the bar soap to your wife you got it okay thank you for breakfast club good morning wake that ass up in the morning The Breakfast Club

Channel: Breakfast Club Power 105.1 FM

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Keywords: the breakfast club, breakfast club, power1051, celebrity news, radio, video, interview, angela yee, charlamagne tha god, dj envy

Id: 5FOorzCGnF8

Length: 41min 27sec (2487 seconds)

Published: Wed Mar 22 2023