Being Equally Yoked - The R Spot Season 3 - Episode 11

trying to babysit on your own game Hollis won the mega change don't know where to start let's go on a journey trying something new let's go on the roller burning you see [Music] getting down to the second baby [Music] Oh hi and welcome to the our spot this is the place that we come to examine and explore all things about all kinds of relationships so that we can learn to be better and do better in our relationships because I know that we want to be better we want to love more we want to feel more love and more loving so we're going to talk about some of those things and today I'm going to talk about a topic that I think is very important in relationships that most people either ignore and some don't even know about and that's about being equally yoked that means being with a partner where not only do two of you feel like you are equals but that you have the same interests and the same goals and the same vision and the same values being equally yoked you know the Bible says that you got to be equally yoked with your partner that means moving in the same direction standing on the same faith foundation having the same values and principles and life so that's one perspective of it I want to bring it into the 21st century and I want to hope that people are equally yoked mentally emotionally physically and yes spiritually equally yoked yoke meaning what brings you together what binds you together what ties you together what holds you together let's look at physically because I've gotten some letters recently that tell me that being equally yoked physically is important for example I got a letter from a couple where he is a couch potato he's got my data he loves to sit on the couch or sit on the chair or lay on the couch or lay in lay back in the chair in the recliner and watch TV and she's a fitness buff she likes to get out and run and and and go to the gym and she wants to do the triathlon in the marathon and the who'da thought and the flat earth on she was to do all of that stuff and he just watches and she's beginning to feel that she's on growing him and she's also meeting guys you know out there who are also into physical fitness and health and strength and she wrote me saying well what should she do well I said beloved is there a way that you can support your partner and either becoming interested in what you do or is there things that you can do around the house to inspire him to get more physically active but the thing is that they could have picked us up in the beginning so it's important for you to be equally yoked with your partner physically so that the two of you have the same physical interest the two of you have the same physical appeal to one another I mean if you like a couch potato I like couch potatoes I like all kind of potatoes I think potatoes over rice every day so it doesn't bother me if you don't go to the gym the clear thing to me is are you healthy now I'm not a gym freak but I am a health enthusiast so I want a partner who's about being healthy about eating healthy about resting and about relaxing and yes a little physical activity isn't going to hurt so when you're dating or if you're in a relationship you and your partner want to find those places where you can connect physically let's talk about being equally yoked emotionally who this is a big one you know because so very often we repattern our intimate relationships on our family patterns and the role that we played in our family so we will look for a partner who needs some role that we played in our family or a desire that wasn't met in our family so being equally yoked emotionally means getting clear about what your emotional needs are and not putting them on your partner but taking care of them yourself otherwise you will hold your partner responsible for your emotional healing health and well-being when the truth is that's your responsibility being equally yoked emotionally means that both of you have done some level of inner work that you're still not looking for daddy or mad at mommy or trying to be taken care of it means that you're creating your relationships from an authentic emotional place that your coming to the table as healthy as possible and not that you're still trying to get what you didn't get at home you're not creating a relationship from knees or obligation that you're not a victim setting yourself up to be victimized that you're not a rescuer looking for a victim all there are so many things that go on when people aren't equally yoked emotionally now I'm not saying that you got to go to every workshop there is or you need to own two volumes of Tony Robbins and inspirational tapes or a double Jana Van Zant's both but I am saying you gotta know what triggers you you gotta know what you're looking for you've got to be in ownership of your own feelings and your own internal landscape and not make your partner responsible for what's going on in your heart you've got to be equally yoked emotionally let's talk about equally yoked financially okay because money is a big issue in relationships and I'm not saying that you have to make the same amount of money or that you you have to be able to take care of either of the other but you have to have the same level of financial literacy the same values about money and you have to be moving in the same direction financially you can't have a spend fifth and a miser that's gonna be a problem if you got a partner that squeezes the coins till the pillow Eagle screech squeals that's a problem if you like to shop or if both of you have financial illiteracy and you're spending spending spending and you're not saving you're not investing and and you end up in financial ruin so you got to pay attention to what your partners values and goals and ideas and visions are about money and even if one makes more than the other or one is employed and the others in school or one is employed and when it's unemployed you gotta know that you can come together discuss money issues move together with clear values and visions around money let's talk about being equally yoked sexually cuz I get a lot of letters a lot of letters from the people that say like princess they say you ain't you know what and baby who knows how long Prince Eggman the great philosopher prince is and the letters of our partners who one partner wanted and the other one doesn't or one partner likes this and the other one doesn't or when you get married then the partner come up with some new idea like they want to be or what they call that thing when you bring other people they want to open the relationship and they want to swing and they want okay you got to have that conversation upfront because you want to be equally yoked with somebody you don't want somebody that wants to do whips and chains and you just try to do the little missionary position on Sunday after church dinner so you want to get all of that straight up front no be big enough up in here I'm not doing that you know and no you cannot bring Matilda and her five sisters over so that we can have an orgy of some kind although people do shift and change people do shift and change but in order to be equally yoked sexually intimately you've got to talk about it talk about what makes you feel good talk about what you like talk about what you don't like talk about what your boundaries are and and talk about what you expect from your partner and we know as time goes on and women change and Men go on medication things are shift and change but to be equally yoked sexually you at least want to have the initial conversation okay so I don't do change I don't do it I don't do see I'm mad at conversation okay now let's talk about the big one being equally yoked spiritually I think that without a solid spiritual foundation a relationship is doomed and I don't care what that foundation is I don't care if you go into the mosque or to the temple or to the church or to the tree I don't if you go into the beach with a basket of fruit and some eggs I don't care what it is but there has to be a place where the two of you can come together and meet with something bigger greater branda than the both of you do you pray together I can't tell you how many couples I've said do you pray together you know whatever the prayer is it reads something inspirational together or or get down on your knees together or just look each other in the eye and share your thoughts and beliefs about where you are and about your love and about your Creator and this for me needs to be established before you marry before you move in before you share keys before you have children you've got to be equally yoked spiritually what are your concepts and ideas and beliefs about God and when I say equally yoked it doesn't mean you have to believe the same thing but it means that you have to be honorable and respectful and know what the other person's beliefs are what their needs are on all levels physical and financial it's sexual emotional and spiritual but spiritual is the big one spiritual is the big one I just read a lot about a woman who she is absolutely devoutly committed to church and her husband is not and in her mind it's ruining the marriage so I asked her one question beloved when did you know when did you know that you and him were not equally yoked spiritually before you got married or did he fall out of the church is is there some not happening that ruined his relationship so when it comes to spirituality when it comes to that connection to something greater in grander than you get as much information as you can up front and don't think that when you marry your partner who doesn't want to exercise or wants to have an open relationship or doesn't know how to pray and wants to spend all their money or doesn't want to spend any money whatever the differences are don't think that if you know it upfront that if you marry them or move in with them it's going to change that is not unturn out well for you so when we talk about being equally yoked we're not talking about doing the same thing believing the same thing wanting the same thing but we are talking about having a knowledge and an awareness of what your partner needs once believes and making sure that the two things can coexist I know Muslims who are married to Christians I know Catholics who were married to Jews I know that this we were married to Buddhist and they get along because they found that way to bring together their needs and their desires and they want so that they are equally yoked very very important concept are you and your partner equally yoked emotionally mentally physically financially spiritually if their troubles and difficulties in your relationship look for where the yoke is broken or maybe it was never established being equally yoked you don't have to do the same thing but you got to be able to make sure that what you do and what your partner does can coexist hope this helps see our side and here is our question of the day Yonghwa is it possible to be friends with your ex I have a friend who is good friends with her ex while I on the other hand wouldn't ever put myself in the same room with my ex what do you think well I think absolutely you can be friends with your accent I'm friends with many of my exes I'm friends with them because our relationship was complete now we didn't finish the relationship in the way we thought we would we thought we'd be together forever and ever amen but our forever came and we talked about it and we moved away and we allow the relationship to be complete we said what we needed to say or we let it go we forgave what we needed to forgive or we let it go and now today we can be friends the reason many people aren't friends with their exes because their relationship isn't complete they're still holding on to upsets and angers or broken promises or disappointments they haven't done the forgiveness work or they haven't learned the lesson because every relationship brings you a lesson people come into your life for a reason our season or a lifetime and if you don't figure out which it was for you and your partner when the relationship comes to an end you will be stopped so can you be friends with your ex absolutely only when the relationship is complete so I would ask you my beloved what are you still holding on to in that relationship maybe you need to go back and look at when you're the one that's left or maybe you need to really get clear about what it is you didn't say what it is you didn't get what it is you didn't do in that relationship and then let it go and it doesn't matter if they lot if they cheated if they stole your mother gold teapot it doesn't matter the relationship can be completed you can be clear in your heart and then you get to choose whether or not you want to be friends with your ex just know that it is possible hope this helps see your butt and here is our hallelujah truth for today when you don't ask for what you need the need gets bigger when you allow needs to just drag on unfulfilled or unaddressed and that need within you that need around you that need that you have for whatever it is that is missing will grow and grow and grow and grow until it becomes a crisis or an emergency ask for what you need and believe you can get it because when you don't ask for what you need the need disk gets bigger now be sure to subscribe to the young love van zant youtube channel so that you can get a notice every time we put up a new art spot and I would also encourage you to like me on Facebook follow me on Twitter and Instagram and if you want to get a notice about where I'm going to be and what's coming up and what's next be sure to sign up for my mailing list at wwu a calm times ability sit on your broken heart one of the megachurch [Music] blessings to all of you sister women out there who are wondering how you can get to do some work with me I want to encourage you to sign up for the Wonder Woman weekend now this year Wonder Woman will be held October 27 through the 29th in Bethesda Maryland but I want you to begin registering now so that when you get to the final hour you'll be all set and ready to go now what exactly is Wonder Woman Wonder Woman is an opportunity for you to come together to heal to grow to learn in a community of like-minded women and let me just say that if you're coming to see me if you come in because you think that I have some magic bullets that will change your life send yourself the trip but it should come in to do some work if you're coming to find out how to move forward in your life if you're coming because you are ready to do the work required to become your greatest self then go to WWE divisions worldwide com click on the links or the Wonder Woman weekend and sign up today you can make a deposit and work out a payment plan so that you will be with us for a glorious weekend that will fix you so that you can make all the necessary fixes in every single area of your life Wonder Woman weekend October 27th to the 29th go to WWN aversions worldwide calm and hopefully I will see you there

Channel: Iyanla Vanzant

Views: 110,333

Keywords: Iyanla Vanzant, The R Spot, The R Spot Season 3, The R Spot Season 3 Episode 11, episode 11, relationships, boundaries, Iyanla Fix My Life, starting a new relationship

Id: bwGEEenmKus

Length: 18min 43sec (1123 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 22 2017