Husband Acts like He Did Nothing Wrong

what about when you have a spouse and they've they've done something they left but now they're coming back whatever that other something has been but now they're coming back and they act like nothing happened there's no consequences so to say this has been a huge thing even in the past couple of weeks of people I've talked to they they're really harping on this person needs consequences they don't want to talk about what they've done but I want to talk about what they've done how I mean just my first line of response is consequences aren't always what we think they are when we try and implement consequences because we've been hurt we can actually do more damage than good in trying to reconcile the relationship so what would your feedback be on that situation there are actually different phases of reconciliation so for example the first phase when your husband or wife has come back think about that is like you're dating again because each of you now is thinking maybe I want to put this thing back together let's give it a shot let's give it a try and and to expect heavy detailed involve things to occur in that first phase is actually pretty unrealistic now does it sometime happen that way does it occur that way sure a person might want back in the door and say I'm so very sorry let's talk about what I did but that's not typically the way it happens it can happen but it's not typically the way it happens typically the first phase is let's just see if we want to go to Phase two so let me come home we'll hear together let's see if we can be friendly to each other let's see if we can somehow recreate some kind of a relationship with each other but it's more like a dating relationship at this point he's like let's get to know each other again let's see if we can feel safe with each other again let's see if we can actually get a vision of how this can be and in that phase we hear all the time from people saying but it's time he needs to talk about what he did she needs to understand and explain what's going on here that's not the face before you can have absolutely full complete reconciliation usually that you do have that conversation but that's down the line actually I see a blinking red light on that camera so I think maybe something's about to go bad there okay but I guess what I'm trying to say is I don't have enough time to explain in great detail the entire reconciliation process should there come a time when you guys talk about it from most couples yes you say most not every some couples actually just are fine because of the fact that he or she came back it's an implied understanding that I'm sorry for what I did etc etc and and those couples are actually comfortable we're never having to go back and dissect the whole thing and talk about it and for some comes that works for you if it works for both of you great if one of you needs to talk then that's gonna happen at some point or at least it needs to happen at some point but don't think about that as being the initial thing let that be down the road a little bit expectations of what happens in early reconciliation should be very different than the expectations of what happens later in reconciliation and so clearly maybe in a week or two we can talk about the stages of reconciliation yeah everything is about timing if you push too hard too fast it may not want to being a reconciliation at all so sometimes you just be happy for the stage you're in knowing that there are other things that can occur and will occur as you go down the line yeah and that doesn't specifically address this this other question that came in but the part you said about if you push too hard too fast it can lead to not the result that you were hoping for it to lead to someone asked they said my husband is now on antidepressants and he's that's how he's dealing or at least this is how she thinks he's dealing with the decision to divorce so his personality has changed and he doesn't feel anything towards me anymore he makes no contact but he will meet with me although it's begrudgingly we don't have children we have little business to discuss will that one day become attractive unattractive to him and again just like what you were saying is if someone is begrudgingly doing things for you if they have this resentment towards having to meet with you or if they feel coerced or manipulated then that's not gonna lead to warm fuzzy feelings so again you don't want to push things too hard but you just like Joe has said in in the past and in other videos and in some other segments is that you want to you want to work on you because you can there's not a magic solution there's not one phrase you can say that's gonna automatically change things but you want to work on you when you want to reach out when you can and when you do you want to be strong calm and gentle and kind but ultimately continue working on you and don't push things if it doesn't feel like they're going in the right direction mm-hmm and in this particular situation a couple of things antidepressants have pros and cons I'm glad to exist because they've helped a lot of people but people who are taking antidepressants at large doses which typically is what you end up having if they're really going to work released from those people it seems that if you're having large doses of antidepressants it 10 cannot lead a person to be none there's extra some research I've read it about how that large doses of antidepressants particularly SSRIs selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors like lexapro or zoloft that family of drugs can actually wipe out any if not wipe out at least diminish any feelings of romance whatsoever now if your spouse is involved with somebody else it's decreasing his or her feelings toward that person as well but then you shouldn't expect to another sudden have these warm fuzzy feelings toward you because the high doses if it's high high dosage of the SSRI if that's what he's taking is actually decreasing his ability to feel those things and so to expect him to feel it when he's taking that is not reasonable you said well then he should stop that not necessarily if it's helping him handle the depression then being on that for a while is actually a good thing hopefully he's getting older counting up as well not just medicines but some kind of counselor therapist who can help him deal with the depression therefore if he is going to meet you maybe that's the person you become don't talk about deep in serious matters because he's already depressed anyway he's not processing that the way he would otherwise if you're gonna be spending time with him if he's spending time with you maybe it's the better way to say it then make it easy make it where there's nothing pushing or pressing him whatsoever you know let's go to dinner and if his favorite team is the New York Yankees let's talk about baseball if his favorite things making model airplanes tell him that what you might want to get him one for for Christmas which ones does he like in other words you're having conversation that he can be involved in without having to do any deep thinking or deep feeling and that then can become a comfortable thing where he feels good about being around you I wouldn't rather be his therapist like help I'll help you with your depression unless you really are really good at that I think I'd leave that up to the therapist and even if you really are good at that I think I still leave that up to the therapist so the meds pros and cons in your situation probably a good thing if he meets with you without but grudgingly and I'm assuming the begrudging has to do with the fact that you're talking about things he doesn't want to talk about so if he's meeting with you for some other reason I had dinner every once in a while or whatever else to have coffee is great my suggestion is make it light make it easy so that he actually winds up enjoying those meetings because there's some place he can go and just feel good when he walks away from it if you can help that happen then good but like Kimberly said if he's gonna walk away feeling I didn't want to do that to begin with I hate it I was here if that's what he's gonna feel most of the time or maybe all the time then why keep meeting with him want to build up that resentment toward you okay absolutely so this principle that we have been talking about on this show of smart contact of smart communication there's different levels of intensity of its how to say if you're in the middle of a divorce or separation then that applying this is going to look a bit different than if you're applying this with your spouse in you your spouse continued to get an argument and you're not on the verge of divorce but you're just trying to figure out how can we communicate better when we fight I keep pushing things that pushes him further away we continue in the fight and it's not leading to healthy communication habits but the bottom line of both of these things is you want to build those healthy communication habits you want to be that person that your spouse wants to continue to come back to you wants to continue talking to and you do that by reacting in a way that's not gonna make them feel like they're being manipulated like they're being pushed into doing something or talking about something that they aren't ready to talk about at that moment and it might look like you taking some deep breaths waiting a couple of days before approaching the topic again and then approaching the topic in a situation that's more comfortable for both of you approaching it in a way that you're not launching into them with anger and frustration when you start the conversation but instead both of you are comfortable your emotions are lower you're calmer when you enter into that conversation and then taking breaks from having any conversation that has to do with your marriage or something that's emotional talking about those things that are business items so to say or the non emotional items if you're in a good relationship but you're just having trouble with fighting then it might look like how was your day if you're not in that spot then what it might look like is here's what the kids are doing right now here's the report card they got here's some information back about our taxes and you use judgment and discernment on what you need to say back to them but ultimately when your spouse is willing to come back and talk to you whether there's the divorce going on and so they're coming back and they're ready to talk about something or you've been fighting and you just haven't been able to come back to an agreement and then your spouse is is just launching into a conversation with you of how was your day then you're not going to go into that fight again you're not going to respond in a way that's going to lead to negative communication like a fight but instead respond in a way that's calm strong and gentle and in a where they're gonna want to continue a conversation with you again later and you take this one day at a time every day is a new day every day is gonna come with some unknown thing it's gonna happen but ultimately you track towards the right direction you go on that uphill swing of continuing to practice the things that are gonna lead your spouse to want to have conversations with you to want to be around you and that's ultimately the premise of smart communication you're good all right well we are so glad that you joined us today please subscribe to the YouTube page like it and and call us if you need us again you can find us on marriage helper com if you want more information about smart contact on our website you can search through with the articles that we have through the podcast just type in smart contact and you'll find everything you need next week we will be talking about the four steps the becoming more attractive to becoming more attractive so if you have questions about that something you would love to know more about email us at live at marital per calm and we would love to answer those or join us live next week invite your friends whether they're single married whoever it might be it's gonna be an awesome awesome awesome show so we look forward to seeing you next week and we hope you have a great one thank you Joe Thank You Kimberly have a good one [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: Marriage Helper

Views: 18,540

Rating: 4.9342103 out of 5

Keywords: husband acts like he did nothing wrong, spouse acts like they did nothing wrong, marriage helper, joe beam, dr. joe beam

Id: w2tICQnzJVc

Length: 13min 12sec (792 seconds)

Published: Fri Jun 15 2018