Indiana Jones 5 Is A Crime Against Cinema

Indiana Jones and the dial of Destiny is everything wrong with movies in 2023 it's not just an insult to cinema goers it's a galactus-sized middle finger to Indie fans it might be the crowning achievement of modern filmmaking if we're talking exclusively in terms of overdone tired tropes and indulgences and judging by the box office and pictures of empty theaters on opening night what more proof do you need that audiences are absolutely sick of this crap Indy 5 is the Everest's peak of bad Cinema both on the screen and off not only is it a travesty of a film that has absolutely zero need to exist outside Studio obligation it's also the sad last gasp of a once proud franchise and lead actor whose cadaver is placed on the screen and puppeteered around in sad pathetic fashion for the hope of milking that chesticle for one last bottle but when the squeeze came only dust came out no this isn't a fitting send-off sorry a triumphant end to Indiana Jones Jones isn't watching him sit helplessly for the final 25 minutes of a movie while waiting for someone to save him [ __ ] Crystal Skull is better than this movie the reality is a fitting send-off for Indy was the Last Crusade this this is Hollywood at its absolute worst since the dawn of the Blockbuster movie Hollywood has always followed Trends it is what it is if not for Trends we wouldn't have the best cinematic art ever produced would we have crazy Classics like Scarface and Goodfellas if not for The Godfather or that insane summer in the 90s when shitty B-movie Classics Deep Impact in Armageddon came out months apart but there's nothing quite like modern filmmaking and the decision to follow the trend of mining a deceased franchise for more in applying modern ideals to it from absolutely atrocious de-aging effects that look right at home as a tick tock filter a well-known director using shitty camera work for God knows what reason terrible boring ass pacing of a story that absolutely he doesn't need to be told since it adds nothing to the legacy of the character we came to see and simply detracts from what already exists idiotic character motivations that turn on a dime for little to no reason complete misuse and waste of talented actors and actresses piss-poor editing quality that looks like you hired the person from [ __ ] Fiverr and a lead actor who's clearly here for a Payday and I can't blame him for it but he doesn't even pretend to dodge the bullets the plot armor is already protecting him from no seriously he couldn't be bothered [ __ ] off and I saved the best for last yes Indy five is as we all feared and there's no way you don't know the drill at this point take the Beloved and heroic male lead character have a new female protagonist join his Crusade make sure she's constantly telling him what an absolute piece of [ __ ] he is and how much better smarter and more attractive she is than him and make sure to leave the third act for her to save him and drive that point home seriously Indy is so decrepit at this point he can't even verbally spar with this woman as she's insulting him the entire movie 30 years ago he would have chirped back letter Kenny style [ __ ] you Betty Anne your breath is an existential crisis made me question my whole [ __ ] life [ __ ] you Marianne you got legs on you like redwoods you could box jump a bungalow the movie kicks off with a flashback to 1944 when Indy and his pal we've never heard of until now are captured by Nazis while both parties were in pursuit of a blade that pierced Christ Indies captured and held hostage while his buddy Shaw AKA Arnhem Zola aka the first of a bazillion actors in this movie slaving away on the Disney movie conveyor belt is hiding in the woods but Shaw's a silly goose and he's soon discovered by Nazis now we know Indy absolutely loves killing Nazi so his deep faked head on a decrepit 80 year old body jumps around doing just that after he escapes he somehow knows Shaw is on a train because the plot needs him to and he runs a foul of Le Chief from Casino Royale as he tells his Superior or that the blade is a fake but he's discovered Archimedes dial that can locate Fishers in time Indian Shaw keep on killing Nazi and Hannibal Le Chief takes a [ __ ] metal railing to the face at 60 miles per hour but he's like Stacy from Wayne's World so it's totally cool hey are you all right and she's okay he jumped from the train and lose half the dial but that's okay now the story can happen fast forward to 1969 and Indy's old as [ __ ] and everyone's celebrating America's Triumph in space no way we all get to laugh at Indy being old because old man does old man things you see Indy isn't just old he's also separated from his wife Marion whom he married at the end of Crystal Skull remember that [ __ ] Banger Rocky Balboa Style Indy now being forced to retire because in case you didn't get it he's old is sought by Helena Shaw AKA strong woman the daughter of that dude from Captain America Winter Soldier see Indy promised his old dead buddy that he destroyed the dial but he never recovered the second half he brings independent woman to his college storeroom to get the first half and they are intercepted by Hannibal lecter's goons who murder everyone there because they don't leave any Witnesses while simultaneously earnestly assuring Indy they mean him no harm because this movie is stupid as [ __ ] strong woman escapes with the dial because she actually intends to sell it on the black market when Indy Escapes in unconvincing fashion because well because he's [ __ ] 80 years old he gets help from his old pal Salah because that actor is still alive so screw it why not just stick him in the movie for Nostalgia Indy eventually catches up with Helena to stop her from selling the dial and she goes on to lecture India about the evils of capitalism so Disney wants to lecture about capitalism about that you sure about that you sure about that full stop I [ __ ] love that the audience is being lectured on how bad capitalism is in a script written for and approved by a company that literally exists to make money it's why they wanted this movie to even be [ __ ] made a company profiteering off the use of Technology that's powered by Cobalt mind out of the [ __ ] mountains by children but yes tell us how wrong we all are you're not [ __ ] stupid you have to be to even think something like that let alone say it publicly and act like you're [ __ ] serious Hannibal lecter's crew shows up again because obviously and a new character Helena's ex-fiance joins the commotion and he's here for all of two seconds before disappearing never to be heard from in the story ever again yep Helena uses this opportunity to criticize Indiana Jones and call him a grave robber over and over again because he's a piece of [ __ ] apparently but she definitely isn't know how we know she literally [ __ ] tells him over and over how intelligent and even how beautiful she is you know how this would go if this [ __ ] was happening 30 years ago [ __ ] you all your lives are so sad I get a charity tax break just for hanging out with you nice sweep no sweet give your balls a tug once they escape the grasp of Le Chief and his Misfits they head to Greece Indy tells Helena his son mutt died in Vietnam because Shia LaBeouf didn't want to come back and it's 2023 which means the replacement character needs to be a woman they get help from Antonio banderas's Cameo to locate a tablet that will hopefully lead them to the second half of the dial but gosh darn it Hannibal and his buddies just won't leave them alone Antonio banderas's Cameo has come to an end so he gets killed but lucky for Indy the plot needs Helena to not want to sell the tablet anymore so she kind of sort of blows up the boat and they escape with her little sidekick teddy as well as the tablet by stealing Hannibal's craft Hannibal's crew Fires at the boat and Harrison Ford does not give a [ __ ] and just sort of stands there because he knows he has plot armor even though the ship was half blown to Hell Hannibal and his crew follow Indian strong women all the way to Sicily without them aware that they're directly behind them the entire time because this movie is dumb as [ __ ] I mean the dude is literally watching them with binoculars how how far away could he be yet when they arrive in Syracuse they just nonchalantly roam around until strong Woman's sidekick is kidnapped by Le Chief's villainous crew Indian strong women are concerned for a moment before they're like ah [ __ ] it let's continue searching for the dial granted they figured they'd find Hannibal and his crew and therefore rescue Teddy because everyone's heading for the dial but it's hilarious how quickly they just disregard all that [ __ ] now it's the start of the third act which means Indy is going to kick some serious ass just like the good old days [ __ ] yes just kidding he isn't doing [ __ ] they run into Hannibal and his crew at the tomb of Archimedes and indy gets shot and taken hostage after Hannibal gets his hands on the dial and puts the two pieces together activating it they fly off on a plane while Helena climbs a board under the gears cause it's strong woman's time to shine oh and Teddy's flying behind her because they'll obviously need an escape here vehicle once the plot's wrapped up see Hannibal's plan is to use the dial to go back in time to 1939 kill Hitler and push for a better leader so that Germany wins the war but a dude who can build [ __ ] rockets that fly to the moon somehow forget about continental drift and as they entered at the time fissure they burst out on the other side and yes travel back in time to the siege of Syracuse it's at this point the movie goes from Dumb and boring to [ __ ] ridiculous anyway the planes get cut down strong woman rescues Indy who's just sitting around all shot and [ __ ] and literally doesn't do a thing Hannibal Lecter and his crew all die and indy wants to stay instead of going back to their time because he's Gravely wounded and thinks this is a dope ass way to go out they meet Archimedes who says Indy can stay but strong woman knows this will create a Time Paradox so she clocks him and brings them back home her character is now gone from capitalism as evil so I'm gonna actively participate in it and Indiana Jones is a grave robbing piece of [ __ ] it to no please come back because he told her his son died so what she realized he was a person all of a sudden so that changed how she felt about him being her Godfather it's lazy forced and contrived as hell but here we are this movie [ __ ] sucks anyway they returned to their time and she also reunites Indy with his estranged wife Marion because strong woman is strong woman and does strong woman things that no other person can do the end yes that's the end of Indiana Jones he doesn't do a damn thing for the entire third act except just sit there waiting to be rescued so we've already kind of lost the plot as my weird British friends say gone are the days where we see our hero triumphant it's now best to see him deconstructed broken down and useless that's the state of these Legacy sequels they use the name of the character we want to see to get us into the theater and filmmakers and Studios still somehow think it's a smart idea to show those heroes in the worst light possible especially if a new younger female or hero can be the person to not only point that out but show just how Superior their way of thinking is like Phoebe wallerbridge's character constantly reminding Indy that he's nothing but a grave robber even though the through line for India as a character was the respect for history for the artifacts and the desire to see those items in a museum not in the hands of someone willing to use them for nefarious purposes meanwhile strong woman's literally doing the same activities as Indie to acquire those items therefore making her a grave robber too but also just wants to sell the items for profit but she's awesome because the plot deems it so what's sad is Indy can barely defend himself against this stupid [ __ ] replacement character because he's 80 years old and even when the story isn't reminding us of that fact it's right in our face also dropping a reminder that this movie absolutely should never have been made but that's how disgusting these sorts of of things are Hollywood is bereft of creativity at this point and no new ideas can get through when it comes to bigger budgets and would-be Blockbusters it's not that there aren't clever people out there there are plenty of great films that come out every year but they're smaller scale smaller budgeted and more independent made by real filmmakers not recycled branding of a once proud intellectual property what we as an audience perceive is nothing but a soulless grab at Cash which thankfully we're not allowing this time around Spielberg didn't even want to come back for this so considering the story Disney signed on James Mangold a seemingly perfect director for an old character meets new character film because he had such great success with Wolverine and x-23 and one of the best superhero movies ever made in Logan but he fails over and over again with this movie and I'm sure it's not just him but nothing works the way it did in Logan let's take a look in Logan Wolverine was old and broken down but still an absolute force to be reckoned with and x23 while powerful and skilled was still a child and had to learn from him he was wiser and her protector until the final moment when it was her that fired the gun but it was the adamantium bullet that put a stop to the Logan clone Wolverine went out like a hero rescuing her and her friends before they all came together and it made for an extremely emotional farewell where our main character got the goodbye he deserved an x-23's connection to him felt organic leaving us empathizing with her loss in grief with mangle delivering that it's no wonder they got him to do this movie but let's see what version of that we get a beaten down Legacy hero whose connection with Indy is shoehorned into the plot via an opening flashback scene and whose character motivations flip on a dime with no real development besides a few passive lines of dialogue between her and indy that serve more to tell the audience why Shia LaBeouf isn't here then make us believe her switch from money hungry to protector of history is earned so he went from capitalist to naturalist in just four years that's that's something meanwhile she spends the entire third act attempting to rescue Indy like he's the Damsel in Distress now I don't know about you but this isn't the way I want to see one of the most iconic characters in cinema history go out this is the kind of situation that amplifies why something like top gun Maverick was such a success in theaters the foundation of that film was that our titular hero still had all the skills that we last saw him with and then some there's no one one-upping him and that wasn't the point much like mangold's Logan Top Gun was about a protege living up to the namesake of Maverick and they end up helping each other with their will and separate skill sets and both people becoming better for it here we get the same Tire Trope we've seen again and again representation over a good story a film forgetting that there have already been great female Heroes of the past and groundwork on how to write them and a bland idiotic by the Numbers tried and true girl power story where anything you can do she can do better it's so transparent it's [ __ ] obvious there's no [ __ ] about it Helena Shaw is the Indiana Jones equivalent to Rey of Star Wars which makes complete sense with Kathleen Kennedy guiding the ship and what else do we get for this the other end of the stick a film forgetting to even attempt at being good yeah this movie has no reason to exist and stands to derail and detract from the legacy of its predecessors but [ __ ] if they were going to try there was already groundwork on how to do it right this film gives a new appreciation for crystal skull for [ __ ] sake you're a teacher part-time yeah this one might return to a more Earthbound mythology instead of Alex Jones level alien conspiracies popularized in the 2000s but at least Indiana was still kicking ass and taking names in crystal skull with his son mutt the sidekick in that one and learning that Indy certainly wasn't to be trifled with and yeah Indy was younger than now obviously but Jesus he was still 60-something years old for God's sake James Mangold also continues the Hollywood wasting mads Mickelson as an actor the guy is incredible and has some iconic performances under his belt so it's a shame that his later years are being wasted as a cog in the Disney machine because Hollywood's become even more pipelined actors have to kind of do away with the traditional script choices and connect themselves to Studios like never before it's why Mickelson is now bent in the MCU Star Wars and Indiana Jones universes in the past decade just like dozens of other actors and actresses and how the [ __ ] did this cost 300 million dollars to make the CGI is terrible the Deep fake on Harrison Ford and the flashback scenes are awful and look like a Snapchat filter or some Russian spy level backdoor app you got on your phone a few years ago the editing is sloppy and off-putting like it's slogging from one scenario to the next with no Rhyme or Reason other than the plot says change location now and even the camera work is obnoxious see how many times the decision to focus on the foreground then the background then the foreground then the background then the foreground again all happen in one shot count how many times that happens hardly anything about this film works and it's getting exactly what it deserves a bomb the likes of which Indie in a refrigerator couldn't even withstand I never thought I'd see the day when I actively cheer to movie studios Fall From Grace but the soulless virtue signaling gutless nature of Disney and its absolute obliteration of beloved franchises is sickening to watch films in art are supposed to be in escape and instead a company like Disney has led a lack of creativity and the need for shareholder approval Trump any semblance of integrity at all and slap a processed piece of [ __ ] made out of year old dog vomit onto the plate and tells us that eat up while audiences are saying no more [ __ ] this movie ggs

Channel: The Movie Cynic

Views: 265,954

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Id: Vs4TbJNRBz8

Length: 18min 15sec (1095 seconds)

Published: Sun Jul 02 2023

Reddit Comments

[u/phdpeabody]

Exactly the review I needed to know I wasn’t going to the theater to watch this. I absolutely loved the Indiana Jones trilogy, it was such brilliant filmmaking. Then they made crystal skull and I was like wtf aliens? Really? Okay it doesn’t count. Then they made this steaming pile of shit, and I want sue if they were trying to fix what was wrong with Crystal skull, but nope they took everything wrong with that and cranked it up to 11.