In a Relationship Standoff? Here’s How to Get Out - Letters from Esther Perel

hello hello everyone let's uh wait for people to join us and i'm here again every month faithful to our meeting [Music] and we're going to be talking about standoffs if you happen to be in one or more than one and how to get out of them so let's wait for a moment for all of you to join okay so um remember this is letters from esther live my monthly workshop series and whereby i want to help you reflect act and develop greater confidence and relational intelligence in all of your relationships this series happens on youtube and on facebook live and if you want any more letter semester visit ester parel okay i was hearing myself in repeat mode something was off so i was saying go to esterparel.com blog and really join me every month here and if you know of anybody who actually is in a standoff or anybody who could use some good tips for relational intelligence just connect with them have them join us right now just let them know that you're right here with us and hopefully they can enter the circle with us also make sure you have pen and paper um so that actually you know what more than pen and paper what i would love for you to have is a little notebook so that you can go back to it so you know where you're writing your notes so that it becomes the cumulative learning um have a little one call it is letters from a staff you know uh but they have a little dedicated notebook and really as always submit your questions you can do it right now in the live chat and you can do it um you can do it um when in advance when you get the notifications for the next time you know um where are we at you know it's always good to do a kind of a pulse check um what's happening outside in the world around us and inside of us you know and i think that the word that accompanies for me these last few weeks and that i notice also around me is weightiness a sense of a kind of a lethargy of a stifling way of being because not much seems to be happening and everybody's waiting you know are the schools going to open is the office going to go back are we going to stay online do i need to make larger life cycle lifestyle changes should i how much can i tolerate talking about prove it you know can we talk about anything else does anybody have something different to say about this whole thing and basically the reality is that the new normal is no longer new but we still have to deal with the feelings and the consequences of this um this time you know some of us call it a crisis some of us call it a psychosis almost some of it call it a collective panic some of us call it a complete social upheaval but everyone seems to agree that there's some malaise going on that we are all a part of and when we are in this kind of a generalized malaise our opinions and our coping styles become more extreme our points of view become more divisive our fights can get out of control and we end up quite often in our relationships upset angry isolated and i think the real world we hear a lot these days is exhausted just plain exhausted so do me a favor very quickly any of you who know what i'm talking about just let me know in the chat box so i have some sense as to what your pulse check is go ahead just let me know you know um and then i'm going to get the moment to look at this because i want to have a sense of where you are at as i as i meet you today you know all these dynamics lead to the propensity of relationship standards the fights that arise from deep divisiveness caused by seemingly irresolvable impasses and my source for a lot of what i'm going to talk to you about today about impasses in relationships about what has often been called the vulnerability cycle is my dear friend and colleague michelle shankman so go to the source as well so that you can see where i learn before i want you to learn with me you know but what are we going to talk about is kind of how are impasses in relationships formed where do they come from why does this happen it's frustrating to everybody and yet they repeat or we repeat them and we become doggedly entrenched in them how do they get maintained and how do we get out of these stalemates what can we do what is helpful in moments like that um and yes at this moment a lot of the statements are related to the current crisis but it's not just we have a difference of opinion that's not a stalemate still it is actually really not about the content we we agreed to disagree we had different views still made is how each person elicits a reaction in the other person that actually reinforces their defensiveness which then reinforces the rigidity of our behavior and we can't get out of that the stalemate is the form it's the dance and once people have a form they can actually apply it to a variety of different topics it's not the topic that determinates that determines the stalemate it's not because we disagree about if we should go out and see more than two people at a time or not this is really nuts very very important so you know a lot of these situations right now are stiffening the pre-existing issues that we've had in the relationships you know that that's we need to normalize this as well this is not like there's a a problem about that but it becomes it can become really problematic you know um have you told me a little bit uh what are some of the things that i can't read you but i'm sure you are answering i'm so tired of feeling like i'm waiting for something to happen something to change and it doesn't bore them yeah yeah yeah you know the way i um i've actually to use my language the dimension that is really missing for many of us at this moment is the the erotic dimension it's the dimension that leads us to curiosity exploration discovery aliveness energy and that portion of our life is curtailed because we are meant not to go out not to be with strangers not to go in unknown situations not you know the only surprise somehow seems to be the surprise the possibility of getting sick or making someone else sick that's where the unknown lies rather than the unknown as being this area of exploration that we strive on new people new places new experiences that maintains us energized and alive and vibrant and radiant and all of that you know so um i think that it's for once the word boredom actually takes on that full meaning a sense of of steadiness you know stifled anchored like that stable everything is about maintaining stability and it is really what this is demanding from us but it is also taxing and after months of this it's really taxing you know fearful exhausted feeling stagnant stagnation is very good restless restlessness is a stagnation too you know been in the house with the husband and the kids for six months and no end inside yeah that's the other thing is that we don't know when this will change and so it's really about you know constantly regulating ourselves back reminding ourselves allowing ourselves to do the clutching the art of complaining that i've written about so much and talked with you about really and then at the same time you know making sure that we find small areas of exploration um in my case you know i tend to travel i tend to leave to go abroad to go to my other homes to speak my other languages so my exploration is always on the outside my partner's exploration is much more on the inside it's about reading it's about thinking reflecting painting and um man it is in our normal times we managed to have his do him and my and i do mine and at this moment it's much more difficult because i don't find that kind of recharge necessarily by staying put the first thing i do when i want energy is move which is physic in physics terms actually not illogical you know but not everybody lives like me um you know so um if i ask you think of a particular stalemate in your life at this moment what would it be either with a partner a parent a sibling a colleague a friend pick one you know a thing that just circles around and around and each one says to the other if you did it differently if you changed you know um you're making me that dance you know in which every single person basically is reinforcing the other person that's the main thing you really want to understand about statements you know um but they're also still made about very complicated questions at this point that don't have a simple answer you know it's not about who should do the dishes it's about should we move our parents to the nursing home should we even go to visit them should we bring them to be with us you know should we let our kids go out and play with others how do we do what shall i do and my closest friends don't want their kids to come and play with our kid because we have had completely different responses to confinement and stuff like that it's not two plus two is four so a lot of these situations really are dilemmas more than problems to solve they really are dilemmas that we need to to manage so write to me in the comment box for a second what are some of the stalemates that you're dealing with recurrent conversations that elicit defensiveness on both sides my husband brings up old arguments that we've never resolved when we have no argument always the circles chores in the house roles world dispute i always do you never do uh that's one you know why is it my job to do this you know whoever said that that's what would be our arrangement um the resentment it's not it and then and then here's the stanley when you talk about the chore in the split second the dishes the laundry the wash whatever it is becomes a symbol of my deprivation of all the stuff that i've done for you all the years or of all the stuff that you've never done for me all the years or of all the years in my childhood that i used to do all of this and nobody ever recognized it the smallest item will trigger the underlying issue that is really evoked by this item and from this place of vulnerability of that underlying issue i will now respond i feel unseen i feel put upon i feel unappreciated i feel abandoned i feel unjustly treated i feel your unfairness i feel like it never please you and you hear the resonance of these sentences and you know that in a stalemate like that the past and the present meet immediately it's like old scripts get attached to the situation in the moment you know what i'm saying my brother and i are estranged his choice always felt so sad but all of this makes it even worse and so futile right right it's like if we never know if we're going to see each other again now what how best to support our kid touring the pandemic finances picking up around the house politics how social or not to be at this moment that's it we're in the same space people so keep yours because you're going to think about it as you hear me describe some of the features of the stalemate right write it down for yourself and let's look at the slide as well so you can actually take a screenshot of it and have it available for you these are the prompts right um so what is the particular what what about this incident is is so important for me like when you did not show up on time when you did not choose to speak on with my my parent on the call when you leave all of the mess to me what is it that matters about this thing it's not because i always do it it's because you take me for granted it's because i don't feel appreciated it's because i have felt like i was a mate all my life growing up it's because i chose you to finally be able to rely on someone and here i am one more person relying on me what is the underline to go and translate that for yourself what is one thing that i notice myself doing each time well i just gave you one one is that when the thing happens in the moment i bring it back to the larger issue to the big feeling that lives underneath this and i extrapolate i catastrophize i make it an always or endeavor that kind of thing right um how long have i been doing this you know is this recent i you know i i was talking with people earlier and you know and it came up very soon in the relationship and so when that stuff emerges early on you may not have all of you are early relationships but when it emerges early on you know that it's touching on something old you know that there is an echo chamber that has just been activated with old feelings about this and this particular situation is just igniting the whole thing and now imagine that you are a stranger on a balcony and you're looking down and you're looking at these two people which is you and your partner or you and your sibling you and your friends what do you notice is happening between these two people and imagine that you don't even understand what they say that's so that you don't even know the language but you're watching the interaction you're watching for example one person doing this and maximizing and being the more voluminous one and you're watching the other one doing that the eyes are the minimizer the one who's trying to get away from who needs space who's trying to regulate by cutting the eye contact the pursuer the distancer the maximizer the minimizer the exploder the imploder as these are images these are not identities let's be very very clear okay but what do you see is the dance between between these two people that is the the part that is very important here is that you you really see it you see it as a dance you know um if i go um to the question of what makes these stalemates so intense and i'm going to go back to the work of michelle shankman here you know because she really named that stalemate by calling it a vulnerability cycle it's a very kind way to looking at how one person's vulnerability gets triggered to which they then respond from a place of survival strategy a defense a coping style when i used to feel unappreciated when i used to feel like i have to do everything when i used to at home most likely i learned never to ask anymore i learned to close off and go take care of myself on my own and never to be found so i learned this and when i do this the other person who has been the one that knocks at the door and learned actually to respond differently is gonna respond from their survival strategy and now we have a dance between two people's coping styles rather than two people freely able to flexibly decide what do i want to do with this situation an impasse a standoff is a trap or an entrapment in which one feels that you know you repeat the same thing hoping that this time it will have an effect but in fact the thing is kind of having a life of its own you know so um how do these recurrent impasses in your in our relationships relate to our vulnerabilities and our insecurities ask yourself that when i get into that discussion with my husband about the chores and the roles what gets evoked for me what gets evoked for him or her you know to to partners it doesn't matter you know orientation here that's the first question what gets evoked in me not in this moment what does it trigger in me what does it bring up for me what is the underlying story feeling insecurity you know and when i feel that kind of insecurity what is my defensive response when i feel attacked when i feel misjudged when i am misunderstood when i feel blamed when i you know what do i do that's the second thing you can literally trace yourself in this impasse the standoff is a sequence of situations of behaviors and responses action and reaction you know how and then when i respond the way i'm used to responding when i feel misjudged which is i correct the facts it wasn't 30 days it was 25 days it wasn't four o'clock it was 2 30. it wasn't the morning it was the evening as if this is gonna change the story right i'm i'm i'm gonna do the fine edit here then you feel like there is for example never room for your feelings like you always have to justify them like you like like you like like everybody is waiting to see you know to delegitimize you know your your experience and then when you feel that your experience is delegitimized what do you do and how does one person set the other one up how does the chain of defensiveness get activated how does each one mutually reinforce the position of the other this is the interesting thing in a statement is that each person is actually doing something that is setting the other one up to react the way they do it's not just that's who they are you know and what is the collapse there between the past and the present you know um when you are cool to me i feel so alone when i feel alone i'm reminded of how responsible i was at home attending to everybody else when i'm reminded of that i interpret certain things that you do as in you are leaving me on the side you're not attending to me and that's when the cycle starts when you tell me that you're gonna take my guitar without asking and i feel that you're taking me for granted or that you're gonna come and stay at my place without asking and i feel like you're just using my stuff as if it's yours and i feel like oh what i do for you and you never thank me which of course probably is not fully true but it evokes that whole thing this is what i want you to not have the finger pointing this way but to actually turn it on you ask yourself the question really it changes the entire communication you know because then you create say you know when this happens this is what goes on for me rather than this is what you're doing to me it's when you do this i experience that that is really the break one of the essential breaks in in the structure the rigidity of the structure of impasse how do we handle oh i'm gonna come to the questions in just a minute you know um i think i've said it but i'm gonna repeat it one more time the impasse is not about the issue what makes the impasse is the form of the communication the inability to communicate or the escalation one of the most classic stalemates that we are all experiencing at this moment and this may actually come in the example about you know should the kids go play with others that i saw on the list here or should we go play with others is is the way that we polarize you know so it looks like one says the kid should go play or we should have a gathering or we should have a dinner translate this to your specific situation and the other one says i don't think it's a good idea and now it becomes you don't think you know you're not safe and the other one says you're paranoid you know you're so scared all the time you're completely deluded and in a split second people went from a situation of playing and dating and a date and a a play date and a dinner to you're diluted and you're paranoid i mean this goes super fast right this is an impasse goes super fast a standoff like that and then it's as if only one of us cares about our safety and the other one really would like to destroy us really this is not the case we split the ambivalence in situations like this and it becomes you are the voice of safety and you are the voice of risk and danger but that's not true both people want both but what happens when we split the ambivalence is that one person takes on one half of one portion of the dilemma and the other person represents the other side of the dilemma as if it's an either or when in fact both people want both this you can begin to look at you know as if only one person wants a clean house because one says let's just sit down and stop it and then take a break for a moment so in all of these situations you will see that it each person gets aside a portion of the dilemma and most of these dilemmas are at both end because there is no real answer you know it is going to be a little bit of each you know um i i can give you so many examples about splitting demi villains but i want to keep time for for our for our questions i think what's really important and particularly in this moment in the standoffs is that a lot of the things we're arguing about it's not two plus two is four it's not what ron heifetz calls a technical challenge with a player easy answer it's actually and i think it's a beautiful word an adaptive challenge we are surrounded by adaptive challenges in this moment in which there is no easy answer there is no known procedure to move forward and i really like it this is ron heifetz at the kennedy school i love this concept of an adaptive challenge it means that there is no right and wrong there and that is going to invite us to really look at the way we deal with these standoffs in a very different way because typically what happens in our standups is that there are three main dances fight fight fight flight and flight flight gym this is it this is basically it we go at it we we draw from each other or one person pursues wants to talk wants to talk and the other one doesn't know how far to move away so that they can assume the conflict this is the three dances but there's a better way and i really love the work of robert johnson um barry johnson sorry of polarity management because what happens is when we polarize when we're in that statement when i say you always you never and you tell me you always you never we completely divide it like this if you take a piece of paper right now i just did this okay so i scratched i scratched the the cross and let's see going out for kids you know something like this and in this this squadron it's about going out okay and this one is about staying in let's just do it very simply like this staying in and going out typically one of you says do this the other one says do that i hope i'm in front of the camera okay like this but if instead of this person trying to move that one to this side you go like because what happens is that if i only speak about the positive side of my point of view then you do the same thing but if and then you actually emphasize all the negative sides of my point of view and i will emphasize all the negative sides of your point of view instead instead of me trying to get you to come here i first go here i go to what are the weak the weak parts of my point of view basically i'm going to say the things that you would be saying if we go if we stay in we're really going to choke on ourselves we're not going to get enough fresh air we're not going to get energy we lack the social contact the kids are not going to get socialized properly there's a long list of reasons why not to stay inside that you must be able to hold as well because in a polarity management it's about navigating the polarity it's the fact that both and are relevant issues and after you have talked about the weakness of your position you're going to talk about the strength of the other person's position which is also what they've been saying all along the good things about going out why it's important why it matters once you have done that you have basically repeated what the other person usually keeps repeating so that you have freed them up to be able to finally say something else and then only you're gonna go and talk about what is the positive of your position so that you're going in instead of going this way you're going here and then here and then here and then back to you you follow this you the the liability of you of your position the posit the positive of the other position the liability of the of your position of the other position and then the positive that is the polarity management you basically need to be able to let the other person know that you see what they see may be missing in what you're standing for that you have a full picture that you have the both ends at that moment you have a discussion about the complexity of the matter so you know um that is a lot more flexible useful adaptive than talking about how unbending and narrow-minded the other one is or how they lack empathy or how maddeningly frustrating that that they can be it's also a lot more effective than you never do and you're crazy and i always and all of those things so breaking the stalemates starts by giving validity to the story the experience the feelings of the other person rather than the defensive re-claiming of what you want or what you feel or what you have said a thousand times say what the other person has been trying to say because then the other person also feels hurt then say you know what you don't say but what you must be feeling inside if you have a broader view on things the dilemma the conflict that you have rather than spout the certainty and then go to the other side okay let me take a quick sense here of what you're all asking me how do we handle conflict when compromise is not an option i need more specificity probably how do i let me get a few how do i express my needs and limits when a situation escalates what do we do when our stalemates repeat how do we move forward that is the nature of stalemates is that they repeat so the first thing i'm going to start with this one because it kind of connects with the other the first thing you do is let's not do this if we're going to have this conversation like that one more time we both going to be defeated depleted exhausted and we're going to feel constantly that instead of getting closer we're further apart we're not doing this well i don't know what we should do but i know that if we do what we do now we're going to have another miserable evening stop it stop it time out and then you'll see maybe you actually will go in your room and write a note and just say you know and and then when you write it's not about writing what you have said a thousand times let me tell you let me write you what i think you've been trying to tell me that's a different way you know it's the same thing as the polarity management go to the other side and let the person know that you got something of what they're saying and don't just go for the one thing you don't agree with go with what they say that you think is plausible has validity that's you can do in writing that you can do in talking but if the stalemate repeats stop it and say and we're gonna stop it because we need to save our relationship it's gonna erode and eat at us if we don't do that what do you think about writing to start yes but i would start by writing not what you would otherwise say i would say i'm writing because i've been thinking about is there a better way for us to start this conversation which i know we have both tried and it hasn't been good we keep escalating and we leave both of us both of us not just i defeated so i was wondering if there is a way that i could write that also shows you um more of the nuances of what i'm actually thinking if you're gonna write a same version of what you would say forget it because the stance is the same and therefore the dance will be the same you know as my friend terry will call it it's really you you want to show something different in the writing that's you're using another means to create a different text you're not just using another means to say the same thing but yes i love the writing i am a big proponent of writing and i sometimes say right by hand i say throw the first version out because the first version will often include the blame and the accusations and i'm the victim and you're the perpetrator and all of that stuff so you know and sometimes it's to say you know i know i've been making a big deal about that and you probably think that that's all i think about and i thought maybe i should actually start the letter by telling you the things that i've really appreciated lately you know i know that we've been at each other and bickering away but you know i also know that i would not have wanted to do this confinement alone i wouldn't have wanted to live this period without you i still appreciate a great deal of what you do even when sometimes i harp on you for all the stuff that you don't do and i hope that you see all the things i do too even though lately we've just focused on the negative both of us all the time and we've become a real critical bunch constantly picking and pointing fingers that's a different way of starting the letter so i want to try to do it differently i hope you see me and i want to tell you i see you what i do etc etc what is the best way to stop and reset when a conversation is going south you stop and you say we're not doing this well i don't think we're gonna get to anything and i don't think you feel that we're getting to anything i think we should really be caring for the relationship at this moment if we do this together we will harm the relationship and let's not do that i have no idea at this point how to do it better i'm gonna go take a walk i'm gonna go quick listen to some music i'm gonna go play some music i'm gonna go cook something you know hopefully it's not just i'm gonna go get five drinks but maybe one you know just the and stop and then say we are not doing this well we are stuck let's see how we can do this better you know but let's not repeat ourselves one more time you really need to be able to tell that voice inside of you that says if you do it one more time if you explain it this way you're finally gonna get it and i'm gonna get through you you know you're not so it's very difficult to say we're off track you know and then somebody may say but i'm not finished and then you say i can't hear you right now and i'm not gonna be able to give you the kind of attention and the kind of warmth or care or ear that you need and so i'm gonna put a stop because i'm protecting us that's the paradox series i'm protecting us by doing this i'm not just doing a power maneuver right how do you initiate this conversation without sounding like a know-it-all you just say look i don't know i just know that we need something different are you willing to try with me you know i mean we we can continue this kind of fighting but i think we both hate it and it has to be a both what happens in polarized conversations is that everybody talks about i and you the you is the bad stuff and the i is usually the the better stuff you know so you don't say you know this is what i suggest we do you just say would you are you open to this i mean look i i don't it's not like i have an idea that this is gonna work but i do know what isn't working and we should absolutely stop what doesn't work and if the other person comes back and blames you for it and starts to tell you you know what yeah of course we're stuck because of you then you just say i think that that's part of the thing i mean i can do that too but we're just gonna hurt each other and instead of saying i that hurts we're just gonna fire back so that's the other way you stop this sometimes if somebody fires at you and instead of firing back you just say i that hurts and that's it you don't continue the conversation that will actually really redirect it in a big way what if my partner isn't interested in seeking resolution you're not seeking resolution you're seeking to preserve the connection you're seeking to preserve the sense that both of you care about the other about each other about the relationship rather than where what happens when there is no resolution is not about you know are we going out and are the kids going to play it's it ends up being you don't care or i'm alone or i'm misunderstood or this is so frustrating or i can never please you or you're so critical that's what people are left with it's not the resolution of the item itself be very very clear about that what if the standoff is just fundamentally different views on something that is not the standoff you know the stand-up you may have fundamentally different views on something people have lived together with complete different belief systems about god about death about birth about abortion about lots of very fundamental different things but they basically said i don't believe in nothing i'm a profound atheist and my partner has a complete different view of the world of where we come from and where we go and they coexist it's not the difference of opinion that creates the stalemate that's what's really interesting you know when people understand that they can be very creative in coming up with all kinds of things you know one person just doesn't want to travel ever or doesn't want to go and do certain things and the other one says you know i'm gonna go do it with other people i really wish we did it together it's a real loss but i have lots of other things that we share and it's a balance that's the balance you know um so very careful it's not about uh the particular thing what if one person is doing the polarity management but the other doesn't how will this help us these are very stalemate kind of questions you know i'm doing it but you don't you have to get buy-in first really yeah but i will tell you something if you do it really and you repeat it and you say look i completely understand why you're scared i completely understand why you don't want to do this i comp you know and i think it's with this and this do i get it do i do i understand what you're really saying to me you know if the other person five times later still comes back at you then you have a real issue then you may need to say you know it's really interesting i give you a present and you never open it that's really what's happening here i tell you i hear you i see you either but you can't receive it and then that becomes the issue i'm telling you i hear what you're saying but you continue to repeat the same thing because it's like you're not you're not you're not hearing me hearing you basically and then probably at some point you want some professional help i mean there's a limit to everything we can do alone i got professional help everybody needs sometimes a third person who is impartial there and watches this from that balcony and says here is what i see you do you know i'm dealing with the narcissistic mom who becomes subtly verbally abusive and guy slides as a coping mechanism it's worse to how do i deal with that how do you deal with gaslighting and uh um [Music] um i don't know what your mom really says but um i think that's a very nice thing sometimes if you if it was pre-coveted you could still kiss your mom i would have gone i would have kissed her in the neck and i would have said mom i thank you for always trying to make me be a better person you really don't like to settle for the status quo you just want things to be better and different i really appreciate that okay what i'm saying to you is in a situation like that you don't go in there with earnestness you manage it by disengaging and by bringing in something that helps you not get wounded defeated uh uh sidetracked etc so um i like the the i like humor you've heard me many times say that you really you know you could say you're so critical or you could say i appreciate your sense of perfection and then ah what are you talking about and then you just say no i really do i mean really this is something i've learned from you is not to take things the way they are but always want them to be better try that i promise you it will change something fundamentally because what it changes is not your mom your mom's gonna stay the same thing but your experience of your mom will change because instead of doing this you will just simply say uh-huh i see what you do and uh but it's not cutting me that's that's this is for all of this behavior i would say the same thing it's about learning for it it's not that you don't take it personally you basically leave it with the other person you say i see what you do that is about you and it's unpleasant but it's not hurting me every time you know um what if they will not engage at all um you really need if you have a stone warning person if you have a person who withdraws or shuts down that is part of what happens in the stalemate then you have to say look you know um talk to me i mean it this is this is where therapy does actually really become useful or a therapy like a question it's kind of or or listening to any of the podcast episodes you know where actually just had a very very relevant one that's called it's hard to live with a saint you know where she can do no right and he can do no wrong but you can see you know how he said she's exploding and yes she comes from that story but he does just a little subtle thing that ignites her to explode but then he says she's impossible he doesn't see the peace he does and that's where you want to to have somebody who really sees the sequence so that you tell your partner you know um you must have really had good reasons to shut down like this but you know when you do it with me it creates this whole other situation and that one is a good one to put in writing you know but if you have somebody who shuts down you probably have someone who also will perceive criticism very quickly and so it's very subtle you know to do you have to coach it and coach it and then sometimes you say i'm tired of doing that why do i have to protect and be you know you be all you know silky and that's where sometimes an outsider will help quite a bit you know um if they think how do you get someone to reflect with two minutes people how this is amazing questions to reflect on actions if they think that they've done nothing wrong and can do no wrong right it's like um you know then that's the issue i mean it's like it's some people have been quite criticized to such a degree that they can't hear you say that they've done something poor without them hearing you saying you are poor and so they and they do the same to you of course they can't accept that they can be flawed and still be okay so they defend against everything you say because they are flawless and flawless people are deeply insecure people confident people have the ability to see themselves as flawed and still hold themselves in high regard it's very very important so this is the kind of stuff that is much more difficult to just do with little tricks you need somebody who is capable of of saying it's very hard for me to accept any criticism any criticism i instantly stiffen up i tighten i get angry i get resentful i get defensive um and how you get to that with your partner is a different story what instead of the nature of a relationship he wants to keep it once once a week casual and i want it more serious that is not the standoff you see this is where you keep it on the subject the standoff is that he takes you wanting it more serious as you're being needy or dependent or clingy or too fast or or or or insecure and that you see his wanting it to keep it once a week as aloof and non-committal and maybe not loving you enough it's the interpretation it's the emotional experience of these two stances that becomes the stalemate you know rather than we may be on different we have different ages we're on different rhythms we have had different histories of relationships um you know i may not like it that he only wants to see me weekly or i may not like it that she would like us to meet every three times but how do i interpret this she's suffocating she's you know she's putting a noose around my neck he's making me feel all alone i feel deserted all the time i feel like he's just using me i feel like he's just making fun of me this is the conversation when you say that this is what it brings up in me when you say that this is what it brings up in me the stalemate is how these two experiences underneath are locking in with each other that's the stalemate not the fact that you may be a different set of expectations about the relationship um people i think we are arriving at our time but these are this is like a seminar this is not just an online workshop these are incredible questions and hey they're real b they're honest see they often imply you they don't just say you know the other one is at fault it's kind of what can i do help me help them and this is great so we're gonna continue these conversations um you are going to write as much as you can in your little notebooks um and you know join me on less letters from staff on the blog on the letters themselves on facetime facebook facebook and youtube and um be well and i'll see you in a month here but i can see you in many other places in between and here's the thing if you find this workshop helpful consider re-watching it with the person with whom you're having the stalemate with you know and just say this woman she made me think about me don't say you should watch this she's got some really good stuff to say about what you're doing wrong right so really just say i think she had something to say that could be helpful to us at least i found some things helpful to me now listen some of you will have partners who will say yeah right damn right you need to change i'm glad you found some good news about input about how what you need to do different and then you kind of want to say you know stating they're the saints that's the living with the same that's on where should we begin this season but on the other end it doesn't matter if you can alone change the dance get yourself out of the stalemate do it even if you have to do it by yourself because it's your enlightened self-interest it doesn't matter if you did more if you did good you still enjoyed having done that so um let me know what happens when you watch it with your person with whom you're having the statement or give it to them and say watch it with me even though we're not here together all right see you next month and be well i

Channel: Esther Perel

Views: 134,753

Rating: 4.9360104 out of 5

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Id: tmlvRj8TO_U

Length: 49min 45sec (2985 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 12 2020