Fight Smarter: Avoid the Most Common Argument Patterns - Esther Perel

[Music] once in a while I'm late and my boyfriend takes it so personally I can understand why he gets upset but he blows it way out of proportion this triggers our biggest fight how can I convince him it's not about him questions from Paul in Fort Collins Colorado Paul there's so much in this question so many different dynamics you know of the way that people fight so let me take a few here first of all this notion that you decide that it is way out of proportion in arguments and in hurts I suggest that you not think of yourself as the person who has the right measurement stick on what is worthy of being upset about and what is not it never bodes well but then the other thing to understand your boyfriend is this is something that we do in relationships that is really fascinating and we call it confirmation bias which means your boyfriend has decided for a host of reasons quite a while back probably that when you are late you are doing this on purpose you know how much it upset him and yet you're doing it again so obviously you mustn't care about him or respect him to the degree that he thinks you should otherwise you wouldn't be doing this the way confirmation bias works is that I am going to pick up evidence along the way of everything that's going to confirm to me that what I believe is actually true and I'm going to disregard any evidence that's going to challenge it and make me want to reconsider so if your boyfriend has decided that you are purposefully dissing him he is going to pick up all the pieces of evidence that prove that the multiple times where you actually came early the multiple times when you've been there on time the multiple times when you've arranged specific special things at that moment will matter none because they would challenge this idea and then of course what you want to ask is is why would you boyfriend persistent thinking of yourself as not caring about him when you are trying to convince him that you do why would we rather think that the other person doesn't love us rather than be released by learning that that's not the case because there is something in the way that we organize reality in the way that this confirmation bias gives us order it gives me a sense that I know what's true and even if what's true sucks I still prefer to think that that's what's true because at least it organizes my reality very strange things that us human beings do so what can you do to make this different don't get first of all into the convincing him that he shouldn't get upset he already is so you simply tell him I totally know how much you hate this you don't justify yourself you don't try to explain why this time you violate that it's a better reason than all the other times you give him the space to be pissed and you say I'm sorry and you say you don't promise it will never happen again because it probably will and you tell him that you can totally understand that given where he is when you've done this six times there is a reason he will continue to think that that's what it means leave him with the meaning that he has given to it and leave him with the space and stay connected that's probably at that moment the best thing you can do and another element of this situation that you described that I see is this when you are late according to you it's because you have circumstances that explain it it's because you have a busy light it's because you're an important person it's because somebody else needed something from you it's circumstantial if your partner is late it's because they are disrespectful is because they don't care about you it's because they don't understand the notion of time it's because they are selfish it's because they're narcissistic you name it yours is circumstantial theirs is characterological this knows that we have to attribute our flaws to the general context but to attribute the flaws of our partners to their internal structure and personality is one of the most amazing things we do in relationships it's like mine is excusable but yours is not mine is situational yours is essential and it's a fabulous thing to watch people do this and I suggest a good dose of humor when this happens see one of the things that happens when couples are in conflict is that by definition conflict creates a contraction it stiffens there is no flexibility there is no lives there is no possible there is just categorical so people instantly go into the you're always late you always do this you never care about what I say you never show up when I need you to and it becomes factual as if it really is the case and one of the very important things to understand in couples communication is the fact that a lot of what is presented as fact is actually an intensification of someone's experience I feel like you never show up that's not the same as you never show up and to not shift my feelings to pseudo factual talk when you say to somebody you never the first thing they're going to do is give you an example of the last time when they did just to prove you wrong just to dismantle the whole thing you never clean up you never pick up the kids you never write to me you never call it what about that time and they'll show you the one and only sometimes but it is the one and only time to refute your theory of them because who can take on such a condemnation you know full package condemnation so the best thing you can say it feels like that or happens all the time I probably you don't do it nearly as often as I think you do but in this moment I don't see the other stuff in this moment I just feel like it's just so annoying you know and you're allowed to be we urine now to be pissed but you're not allowed in the same way to think that your experience therefore is the reality or the truth it is the truth of your experience but not necessarily the truth of what happens [Music]

Channel: Esther Perel

Views: 1,135,297

Keywords: relationships, marriage, infidelity, mating, love, desire, cheating, culture, communication, fighting, tips, advice, therapy

Id: 4UAg4Axhg6g

Length: 7min 6sec (426 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 24 2017