Famed Relationship Therapist Esther Perel Gives Advice on Intimacy, Careers, and Self-Improvement

navigating relationships and cultivating relational intelligence is key in all parts of our lives personal and professional but I would also say that at this moment becoming fluent in the language of relationships is essential to the world that we're going to live in we are wired for connections but how can we do it better may I ask for a moment how many of you are new to me of chunk and how many of you are familiar with me more okay a circuit for those of you who are new to me I'm a psychotherapist for the past thirty something years I have primarily done couples and family therapy which means that I am quite familiar with polarized systems with conflictual relational systems as you know couples therapy is a drop off center I bring you my partner I tell you what's wrong with him or her and I ask you to fix it so what's happening in the world at this moment is something that as a clinician I'm I sit with every hour thousands of people in conversation around the globe with whom I grapple with the complexities of modern relationships I believe that the burns and the connections that we have with other people provide us with a greater sense of meaning and happiness and well-being than any other human experience which is to say that it is the quality of your relationships which ultimately will determine the quality of your lives and there's a big difference the way that David Brooks was talking about it between a glorious CV and the eulogy you will get you understand what I'm saying even the Harvard longitudinal studies that eight decades long that has followed men at the end of all what these men had accomplished and have accomplished it was the relationships that they have that was the most important marker for their health their mental health their sense of well-being and their sense of meaning in their lives this is true for everybody I don't think we can glorify the relational importance just for women now let me ask you something how many of you are currently in a relationship and how many of you would like to be in a relationship and how many of you would at least on occasion like to be out of the relationship you're in honesty it's good and how many of you would say that you have ever had a hard relationship issue let's say at work good the normal people and how many of you thought the problem is with the other now I do want to ask how many of you thought maybe the issue is with me okay and how many of you thought both because that's probably the truth of the relationship right the relationship isn't what happened that what each person is but what happens between the two people and it's that dynamic that I want us to explore together you know I think that there's a few important things happening at this moment relationship nodes are changing rapidly they're shifting under our feet and I've done a lot of work talking about them in the personal space but what is really important is to see what is happening at work and how much of my work on relationships in the last year or two has brought me to work with co-founders with executive teams with companies and at corporate conferences why because for the forever by the way the relationship intelligence until recently was the scourge of the work place and you hear this I've been hacked somebody's talking to me and everything about relationship stuff would have been called soft skills and soft skills would have been considered feminine skills and feminine skills is something that you idealize in principle but don't want much to do in reality this idea that will that the language of emotion is entering the workplace and has literally become the new business buzzwords is very telling about something that is happening at this moment and there's a lot of restlessness in the world about relationships about how we handle disagreements breaches violations of trusts and it makes us very anxious and when we get anxious we tend to react because the first thing we want to do is do away with the anxiety rather than sit think process listen and then figure out what we want to do so part of what we will do here as well is to slow down a little bit I think that for me if I was to look at it I would say this there's been two relationship revolutions one is happening at home and one is now happening at work the relationship revolutions have two things in common and it's this it wasn't too long ago that our sense of identity was something that was basically given to us and it still is like that in many other parts of the world you knew who you were you knew you had a clear sense of belonging you had a good sense of rootedness and you had a sense of continuity your rules were clear so you knew what was expected parents knew how to talk to their kids husbands knew how to talk to their wives wives knew what not to say to their husbands it was rules it was duty it was obligation it was clarity it was certainty and all the big decisions were made for us we meant that you were rarely alone but you also were barely free and we live now in our world here in which we have more freedom or supposed freedom than we have ever thought we had the clarity and the rules and the duty and the obligations have been replaced by choice and by options and certainty has been replaced by uncertainty and by massive self-doubt it takes a lot to have to define who we are that process of self definition that is part of our identity formation at this moment as net has created a situation where the burdens of the self have never been heavier and many of you are spending your time wondering who am i what am I am I what I want to be am I where I want to be is this good enough can I be more can I be better there's a reason the self-help movement is as powerful as it is because it feeds an entire frenzy of individual people who are longing for individual pursuits but ultimately also to connect with other people this shift has also been met by something else for a long time our relationships at home were basically for survival then we brought in romantic love and companionship and now we have gone up the Maslow ladder of needs and we want intimate relationships for self-actualization meaning I want you to help me become the best version of myself something very similar is also happening at work we don't just leave because the factory closes when we have those options we leave because we are not being properly promoted because we are not being recognized because we are not being seen because our identity formation is being stunted we expect our managers to be our coaches and to help us move up the Maslow ladder of needs if we used to leave our relationships because we were unhappy and now we leave them because we could be happier the same thing is happening at work we don't just leave because we are unhappy or because we are not getting a true the Paycheck that we want but we leave for the quality of our life and our relationships and our self-development that we expect to meet in those work situations and for many of us we will have a ten-year period where we will be often single or in nomadic relationships and primarily look to work to give us what one's religion used to provide what has fundamentally shifted is the loss of the social structures the church the religion the hierarchies all of that you know which give a lot of grounding and now we have to create this thing all along so what has replaced rules conversations for the first time at the heart of relationship is conversation it's not clear what you should do it's not clear how you should talk to each other it's not clear if a person reacts this way you should do this or you should do that you should continue because we were told that if your parents had not continued then they would never have been there together and look how happy they are now because somebody insisted or no no you should not insist because you should get a clear sign and if you don't get a clear sign then it means you should stop you recognize that one I had the most fascinating conversation here last night till two o'clock in the morning which completely changed the entire talk right away because it was an enactment of the moment that we live in which will get to that you know so what is interesting to me is the parallel shifts when you look at your romantic lives when you look at what has happened in the way that we have basically embraced romantic consumerism and we are looking for our soulmate on an app and we know that we have found the one when we can delete the app and that is the new ritual of commitment it's not a bunch of flowers you know look how special you are for Morgan you know but if you think for a second you know what do we look for transcendence mystery Oh ecstasy wholeness meaning all kinds of stuff that we used to look for in the sanctuary of the divine this is a very interesting thing that is happening between religion spirituality and relationality if they have collapsed into each other you know for most of history the soulmate was God not another person with whom you were going to have to experience the multitude of needs you know so that's one thing and the second thing that is happening is that we have brought the market economy into our romantic life if I lose calls it emotional capitalism I mean I can tell you 33 years ago 20 15 years ago I wouldn't here in my office people described the relationship this is not a good deal you know this is not what I bargained for I have to cut my losses you know where is my KPI you know there's a hell that is relationship language you know a market economy has entered the romantic space and at the same time the world of emotion has entered the business world we talk about psychological safety in the same sentence that we're talking about performance reviews we're talking about authenticity and belonging and transparency and Trust it's unbelievable and we rarely define them by the way longevity career loyalty what do they mean today they are being literally redefined both by working people and by their managers by the employers and the employees and that means that for the first time relational intelligence at work becomes foundational now it's difficult to talk about trust when you live in a nomadic economy where the Wall Street Journal is telling you that the quitters are the winners and that if you move around a lot you actually will get more promotion and higher positions because we still on some level have the idea that Trust is something that gets cultivated over time through tests and experiences together with other people of course this has changed because we have a share economy in which we are trusting total strangers with our home and our most precious belongings so the whole definition of trust is shifting but it's difficult to have a feeling of belonging when you don't stay long enough or to have a feeling of belonging when you're hired by the day and by the hour because it suits the numbers of the company and every book these days about relationships is going to talk about belonging or the lack thereof and about loneliness or the isolation and the lack of connection this is the two main subjects that everybody is talking about partly because when you dismantle a system like the one that we had and you introduced a new social system you can become evangelical about it you can be very happy about all the changes but you have to deal with the consequences of the changes and one of the things that then Siegel was talking about so beautifully yesterday is that an individual a body a society a relationship needs to regulate itself and one of the main thing we regulate ourselves on is between stability and change between chaos and rigidity between the past and the future when we have too much change going on all at once we become unta logically anxious or anguished because we can't catch up which is partly what is happening now and what has been propelled in the last year by the new president of this country and by the new presidents of a bunch of other countries and by the me2 movement it's a unique educational opportunity but it makes a lot of people very nervous do you understand what I'm saying ok because it's 9 o'clock in the morning and I am deluging you with my nightly ruminations you know I was up the whole time thinking about this you've been sleeping and dealing with the time you know so one of the consequences that I think is really essential is that how many of you would say you have a thousand virtual friends 500 virtual friends 200 virtual friends and how many of you have had to wonder who can you ask to feed your cat or who's gonna actually bring the birthday cake not because you don't have friends but because they're spread all over the globe and they're not near you and as a text is going to let you know that they're around but they're not around to celebrate with you it's not the same so this is one of the big shifts you know there's another thing that I think is really essential and that mirrors what happens at home and at work home used to be basically a pragmatic institution and a production economy for a long time we need a children because we needed to be more productive they were an economic asset today they're an economic drain we needed to have 10 of them because 6 only would survive you know there was a lot of different precariousness about production sex was for production it was in order to make babies basically we have today a sexual model in our committed relationship that is for desire and connection for pleasure and connection that's a service model that's not a production model so the shift at home from the production economy to the service economy in which I want a quality of experience with you I mean what what is the value of having well-behaved kids and a good income in a stable household if I'm bored this is where we're going I want a qualitative experience with you I want that endless experience to elevate me that's the whole self-actualization thing the same thing is happening at work in our world of brand from acuity it's all about the quality of experience because otherwise literally all shoes are the same and the cars and everything else so this idea that what you're going to capture is the quality of my experience and what does it mean that quality of experience it needs to be transformative it needs to be inspiring it needs to elicit my curiosity it needs to be meaningful it's a lot of things that we want in this qualitative experiences both at work and at home so let me ask you a second stand up if you have ever censored yourself in a situation where you wished you had spoken up but you said nothing because you just thought it wasn't worth it or the consequences could be not pleasant stand up Wow okay now just look around this is something I've learned from Priya who some of you may have seen on the first day Priya Parker the art of gathering when you think about this for a minute just account with yourself your own personal relational accountability I wished I had said or done what and then can I still do it so in line of that stands down stand up if in your work you are responsible for the lives of others and stand up if in your home or personal life you are responsible for the lives of others you see that doesn't just mean children right millions of people at this point are caretakers or caregivers it's a stress we rarely talk about may I ask just another one of this how many of you stay standing if you send a portion of your paycheck or your income to members of your family now let me precise that not your immediate family not your spouses and children but still look at this this is communal structures that never gets talked about now may I ask something how many of the people who do this are either immigrants or first-generation stay standing okay that's also a story we don't talk about we talk about a whole different story of migration you know nice thank you I mean I can fill a bucket with bad news but it's not true it doesn't necessarily reflect the entire story it has truth to it but there's a lot of other aspects you know how many of you would say that you have let other people take the credit for your accomplishment and said nothing to avoid conflict or repercussions well look around don't look at me people this is these are communal responses and here is the question now for the women how often do you think you've done this more when it was in relationship with men and men look around and Mamie asked the men do you think that you have done this more in your relationship with women this is a very important answer which I've just discovered and I don't know if it's true but I know that it's experienced as truth that very few men will stand up and say that but a lot of women experienced that that's what they have done think about it and what needs to change for that you know and this is not a blame question this is an attribution question you know the the actor may be as responsible but it's happening in a context and in a certain context we think we are supposed to behave in a certain way stand up if you've ever been rejected now imagine people that instead of your first question being what do you do and what's your IPO you actually said to somebody did you ever experience heartbreak and you know what would follow is a story because our relationships are stories right and the story would be the novel you wished you had read but didn't you know how many of you would say that you have been the primary person that rejects stay standing and let me ask you the following one how many of you would say you are the one who rejects because you prefer to leave first in order to defend yourselves against the fear of being rejected do you follow what I said good thank you thank you oh that's a nice one stand up wait if you have ever been in a lousy sexual encounter that was also unsatisfying but you went along with it anyway this is a gender-neutral question people but I do know that often there's a surprise by women to see that this is actually a general experience rather than a gendered answer just pay attention to that of course what it was why and all of that you know is what I'm going to come back to in a second may ask a question to the men or the people who identify as men in the room stand up if you have ever felt less of a man in the presence of other men thank you now wait because this is an as is a question and an answer that not enough people know not enough people know the fragility of masculine identity or male identity how difficult it is to develop and how easy it is to lose it how it constantly needs to defend itself prove itself reaffirm itself there is been a tremendous amount of focus on the privilege and the aggression and there is not enough of an inquiry and a curiosity on the challenges you know there used to be a statement made in France by Elizabeth Vedanta that said one is born a woman and what becomes a man and there that needing to prove itself all the time there is no feminine female version of the man up or the real man or the show me what you got and all of that and all of you who say you know what you need to know is that the male code is primarily a function of social control from one man to another not just from men to women thank you stand up if you've if you have been blessed by having a mentor in the realm of relationships Wow nice nice because I don't want to ask if you've had mentors in your business lives because everybody will be standing this inequity between having models for how you do business but not having enough models for how you live your relationships needs to change it really is foundational and I you know some of you it may be your parents and some of you it may be the neighbor and some of you it may be somebody that you actually never even met but it is absolutely clear that having a mentor in the realm of relationship is essential for people to have something that they can aspire to and emulate so take a moment for those of you who stand and thank them and then make also mental note if you actually have ever told them and if you haven't it's a good idea and don't wait till they're on their dead bed and if you don't then just ask yourself who who could you reach out to who would be someone to whom you could talk about that part of your life it is not okay that therapists like me are often the only people to hear the stories and the truth and especially now it's fake news on social media where everybody has to parade their joyous happy lives nobody has any idea of what's happening in the lives of others your best friends can come and break up and you didn't even see it coming do you know what I'm saying okay thank you oh yes let me ask you that stand up wait if the last thing you do before going to bed is Stroke your phone reticent but spending and stand up if the first thing you do when you wake up is drop your phone the same and stand up if you're doing this well there's actually someone lying in bed next to you that's up that has to change I mean people think for a second where will we come and I am NOT like you know the person who hasn't been in those situations that's why I know to ask the questions but this is not okay because what it creates is a very interesting situation in relationships at this moment and it's a term that I borrow from Pauline boss which is called ambiguous loss ambiguous loss used to be used when people would talk about somebody who is physically present but psychologically absent like a parent who has Alzheimer or someone who is physically absent but is psychologically present like someone who has disappeared do you understand at this moment when I do this and I'm busy and I'm lying or sitting next to you you are experiencing ambiguous loss I am physically present but I am psychologically gone and everybody knows that when you talk to somebody and there is that lag between your talking and their answering is because they are media multitasking and that leaves you feeling like you don't really matter and if you don't really matter you start to have a crisis of meaning and you start to have longings and you start to wonder where can I feel that I'm really important and seen etc etc so an alarm clock you know the person here was gonna do a start-up for new alarm clocks that just do that I actually think you could kill it stand up if you have found that too often you bring the best parts of yourself to work meaning at work you feel erotic erotic in the full sense of the world alive present attentive focused curious playful creative imaginative you've ever forgotten anything you understand erotic in that full sense that you are thriving and you bring that thriving part of you to work and you bring the leftovers to your personal life so let me ask for those who are standing stay standing if you wish that you were actually putting more effort more engagement more investment into your personal life and if you stay standing nobody even sat down so nobody really likes it a few of you a few of you think that's it's okay as is or it's what I need to do right now but for those of you who want this to change you make a quick note to yourself what's one thing that you need to do at least before you see me again meaning you have a year it's a long time my patients they have a week you know what they have to tell me by 36 hours I did Excel readied why you know what is one thing that you could do concretely that doesn't have to be qualified and excused and defended and and explain the way that we'd bring a different balance to where you put the best parts of you okay now the person on your right turn to them for one minute and just share with them what stood out for you in what we just talked about it's about two sentences each switch okay so if you like this conversation then make sure when you leave here that you tell this person let's continue and you don't know where it will take you it could take you into this whole different Vista of things that you have never talked about everybody has a relationship history everybody grew up with people that were either there for you or less there for you or not there for you at all everybody either wished they had gotten more attention or less attention you understand some of us got a little too much of something and some of us got too much neglect and absence of something and everybody here has narratives about relationships meaning you can all ask yourself the questions did you grow up in a family that talked about relationship as something central in your life and saw it as important it was a relational orientation to life versus a task orientation to life it was one in which you were told people are there for you you can trust them if you have a problem go and talk to them or where you told this is you you have your own legs to stand on nobody is gonna come in and solve your problems and does that influence the way you actually either collaborate or compete because you think that people are there for you or because then you don't think so basically where you raised for autonomy or where you raised for loyalty it's not an either/or it's an emphasis where you raised for interdependence or where you raised for self-reliance and given that many of you are entrepreneurs the answers are very interesting about that where you got your messages and what are the narratives and the beliefs that you have created about that and here's the most important thing don't everything for a minute that your relationship dowry doesn't come with you to work it doesn't stop at the door of the building where you go to work when you talk about relation ship accountability when you talk about trust and all of those things go back and find your story so that you can see how you can edit it and write new pages to it okay now let's talk together there are mics in the room and we're gonna have a chat I'm not going to do a traditional Q&A but I'm going to take a bunch of questions all at once and people a question is a question if your question becomes a false statement or a story I will be the editor yes let's go they're coming they're coming they're coming you did an exquisite job of describing sort of the consequences of our hyper individuality and destroying conventional structures that we've lived in religiously or communally and also the rules and morals and ethics that sort of govern things and gave us identity and comfort and I observe on that a lot because I think it's the question the question is sorry sorry no no no that's perfect the question is do you think all that we've destroyed and disrupted and the amount of suffering it's caused for individuals has been worth it and what do you think will replace it oh that's an incredible question good yes next no I don't worry yeah so you say just your first name Eric yes hello Eric so my business partner and I are at a place where there's an impasse in communication in transparency and we're both raising our hands saying this is at least 50% me and it's at least partly yours we're both really there so I'm looking for advice great good next upstairs is there anybody hello where is that - I left my left my left is yours is here but okay down down is your people yeah hi hi I'm Alison hello I'm gonna solve that problem hold on one second glasses because I don't see anybody do you think part of the reason that we don't have more relationship mentors is because we don't know what a successful relationship looks like and because of social media we think certain people have great relationships when maybe they don't and certain people don't have great relationships if they're not in all of your Instagram photos but yeah I have a question regarding your workplace evolution observations which is are there any hacks quick fixes recommendations about how we can help employees get more of what they need in the workplace this is carmina do you think that I though is how I am treating myself internally I'm up here is like my exterior world and how I'm treated in relationship is a reflection of how I treat myself internally say that again please do you think that my external relationships and how I'm treated is a reflection of how I'm treating myself internally beautiful question yeah hello Christopher so I have a question around often times you hear and experience your closest relationships you're actually causing the most conflict and your that I guess the most difficult to deal with those relationships so on a personal note and on a business so your recommendations on dealing with those close relationships and create more harmony okay let me say a few things these are thoughts people okay don't start writing the seven key points of something you know seriously I am very confident when I talk but that doesn't mean I'm think I'm right it's very important because we cultivate this thing together and what we are dealing with now our adaptive challenges so this is to the question about what we have lost but I'm going to start with a different one I'm going to start with something that talks a little bit more about two of the or three of the fundamental ideas that accompany me when I think about relationships I think the first one I'm gonna give you a few my mentor used to say certainty is the enemy of change meaning that most people are capable of more than what they are and what they do but they don't always know it and that strength model that resiliency model accompanies me a lot so when you can always be right but it's not difficult to be right and alone that's what happens in many relationships you stick to your thing and you think you're right but you write an alone the second thing that is really fundamental for me in thinking about relationships is that it is not the content that matters nearly as much as the form do you understand that meaning yesterday not beautiful conversation we had night you could have thought that it was about this story versus that story when in fact it was about what was underlying and what was the form that was underlying what are the three main hidden issues that exist below a lot of relationship dynamics and relationship conflict is either about power and control either about closeness and care either about respect and recognition it didn't matter what the stories were that people were telling what matters that each one wanted their story to be recognized and each one wanted the other one to do it first form is what if you have a certain pattern a certain model you will find that you can talk about Greenpeace in South Korea or the next investment you're gonna make and the tone will be the same get off the subject and watch what you're doing and use these three hidden the net dimensions to see where is the problem and then the next one if you want to change the other change yourself if relationships are made up of interdependent parts if you change one part and consistently non-contingent lis hold on to it sooner or later the other one has to adapt to something but the same thing would be true and this is something I do want to say particularly in light of the conversations we're having at this moment where people are saying why should I help you you go figure out your stuff you know you man you people you know when you help the other person change or grow it is enlightened self-interest don't think you're just doing this for them if we are interdependent parts if they change so does your life the lives of women will not change until the men come along that means they need also a few decades to rethink what's going on so that those concepts accompany me when you have these communication issues with your partner the first thing of course to begin with you know what what do you think is happening and it's just a what do you think is happening not you know not the facts the meaning that's another major shift not the facts because the facts don't matter it's the experience of the facts and the meaning we give to them and the experience we have of them and how we react to them that tells the story so that where is the man with the the business partner you were somewhere here yeah you know and then you just basically say we will not solve any of the issues until we first address the relationship because everything the form will be the same you'll have the same arguments in the form so then you ask what is it what do I trigger in you what do i evoke in you what you think what happens to you when I start you know it's like the minute you begin you know and you start to tell about what happened everybody there thing and you just basically try to see if you can read through what the other person says when you fundamentally disagree with it which we are capable of doing for 10 seconds that's three sentences before we no longer listen and we busy with our rebuttal it's not a good amount of time so it's really that practice I just want to learn and hear and figure out what is happening without having to agree with anything if you can separate listening from agreeing or acknowledging from real green you're already a good step I could give a whole day on that one but that's what I do and to link to that about what happens you know in terms of what we can bring back to people for me really one of the most important things and for all of these things there are ten different ways to answer just so we know but the question about what we can bring back to the employees humanity humanity it is not conceivable that people should email somebody was sitting next to them this is crazy you know it is not okay to do an onboarding with the virtual chat box may the person everything is obtained the neurons relational intelligence is ability to deal with the complexities and the nuances and the ambiguities of relationships they're iterative experiences they're not algorithmically solved yet yet at least their EQ and IAI is not yet on par say it and you know and I know that the people who are heavily into AI and are honest about it agree with it not because that means I'm right but because there is something in this way that we have evolved that allows us to to have multiple senses and multiple ways of experiencing this new person that comes in the next thing I would say especially when people are not staying too long at this moment is have rituals that acknowledge when people have entered you know with yesterday at a women's meeting it was very interesting we were all there for summit women etc and it occurred to me everybody was coming to talk to me not everybody many people were coming to talk to me and basically I was the person that they knew and Tinka sure some of you are in the room and I thought that's not okay that I'm the only one that you know when in fact you need to so everybody is talking about connecting and a connected community and all of that but nobody basically based said who are the new people here welcome hospitality you know the old way you know would you like a cup of tea sit down welcome to my home you know that kind of thing you know who are you identify yourself people who have been here longer show up you know I once was an immigrant I know what it's like to walk the street and have no idea where you're going you know and then and then somebody says you know let me show you and then one day you show and you have become the local and everybody here once was that newcomer and probably could have used the process that just makes it more human and welcoming its basic common sense you know what did we lose and look I think we don't know yet what we lose because we are still in the reaction to the loss itself and in the moment when you have massive social change you always have like in a relationship you have the people who pull towards stability and tradition in the past and how things used to be and you have the people who pull towards the change and the fact that it's phenomenal and we should just do away with all of that stuff that doesn't work anyway and they become Vangie lists zealots and of course you can only have a zealot on one side because you have another person who's a zealot on the other side they need each other those are interdependent parts and they are complementary the day there is nothing to hold you you can't just run because you need a you need a border and a harbor to come back - we all need those two things security and change stability whoever you name it so I think what we know that we are losing is that everybody feels that something in the quality of relatedness is going away that said people who grew up in communities where there is not much freedom don't romanticize them they think that they are often real systems of oppression but what I do think is interesting I just was in Romania a few weeks ago and you know this was one society where just about everybody spied on each other phenomenal the closer you were the more they spied on you then I taught last night in bed what is social media it's the new Tsukuba kotti you know it's such a phenomenal form of social control and you don't even need to leave your house for people to know what you are doing and not doing and this to me is an interesting paradox I don't know that we are really much freer we have basically created our own panopticon in which we are being watched all the time by ourselves and by the others around us and this is the interesting and then the question about this is a very interesting one do the people relate to me in a way that actually reflects the way I relate to myself no not necessarily no I actually think that you learn to treat yourself differently because of how people treat you it's back and forth it's multi determined I don't think you know that that we we don't see ourselves the way other people see us you know and I have always you know as I said I wasn't I've had every every entry paper to this country that you can have so when I would get to JFK there were three lines this is to me a beautiful metaphor of the issue of identity how I see myself and how others see me you know there was the passport holder line and the passport holder line you could just have been here for 24 hours but for the external definition of identity you are an American nobody cares if you identify if you relate anything that view sees me from the outside in and then you have the tourist line which I was for a long time and you can be here and you can a level agencies and you can have switched from soccer to football and the whole thing you know but the internal definition suits you very well once you are on the other side of the passport control but not at the passport control and then there is distort the entity which is a phenomenal entity which is called the resident alien the resident in our midst the foreigner who lives with us the gerotor chef as the Bible used to call it that is the person that has a view that is phenomenal because it is the way that you treat the other that ultimately will tell you who you are voila we have time for one or two more ah sorry ah yes I guess okay all of that I will tell you all of that so I have two minutes where are you the question that deserves the time and I have a question about any relationship where a Trust has been betrayed yes when do you decide it's better to work on it or better to just leave so my entire new book the state of affairs was about looking at modern relationships through the lens of betrayal and so are many of the episodes in the podcast where should we begin which are life couples therapy sessions so you would actually hear that the ad in the in live real unscripted raw conversations about this very question he's the one thing I want you to imagine if you think that Trust is it will never happen again and until I know that it will never again I can't trust you then you will never trust because trust as Rachel Botsman says beautifully is an active responsible engagement with the unknown it's a leap of faith if you have to know before then you will never trust the act of trust is the engagement with that which you can't know for sure that's the definition and if you to stay or to go is not dependent just on that because you may have been betrayed about certain things well a lot of other things were staying in place it's very contextual and so you think you have history with betrayals of before what is this the first time what has happened you know how the most important thing when you have been hurt or harmed is what Tarana was talking about yesterday is the fact that somebody comes and acknowledges that they have hurt you nothing is more important to the healing than that that they recognize it and that they acknowledge the remorse that they feel for having done it even if they thought they had good reasons to do it that's another thing even if they don't feel bad about what they did they can still feel bad for what they did to you and that duality is really important if we will only know that they feel bad for us because we know that they feel bad for doing it then you will constantly be then an either-or power struggle did you understand that this is a chunk full in one minute so let me tell you this where are you top yes as an individual moves from scarcity to abundance through Maslow's hierarchy of needs how does that impact relationships with others the good relationships of today says Hill I Finkle are better than the relationships of the past but very few people manage to climb the new Olympus so the main thing is this thriving relationships are the ones that straddle contradictory needs the contradictory needs may be the need for security and the need for adventure the need for what emphasizes the togetherness versus weather at this point may emphasize the separateness it's that flexibility it's the ability to hold on and be grounded in things and also have leaps into complete new territories it's the both end that for me really is the quality of a thriving relationship and thriving relationships is what I would call the opposite of you know it's not about the matter the last no matter of needs it's really there are relationships that are not dead you all know them and then there are relationships who are alive and you all know them too and sometimes the question is how do you go from it something that killed it that dead that created a death of sort and you bring it back to life people if you want to know specifically how this goes really probably the podcast where should we begin is the most important thing because it's like a public health campaign on relationships it brings you into the backstage of other couples in a way that we don't know anymore because we no longer have porous walls we could be dead for three days before the neighbor finds out you know if you want to know about what I do and what I do and with the work relationships and with the co-founder relationships just go to a sterile calm and as you can hear I am deeply interested in the subject of men and that actually didn't start with me - at the mountain the first time I came somebody said what would you want to talk about next and I said men and they said nobody cares and I said that's not true because when a man talks as many of you who were at the workshop last night know that then that he did so beautifully when a man talks he's often hearing himself for the first time let alone others so I thought no there needs to be an Oprah show male version but it you know now of course everybody wants to talk about it you know so I decided that I would create the first conference that was called the masculinity paradox it's for therapists coaches educational educators and HR primarily and I will bring eight of the people with me that I have learned about them from the most about thinking around masculinity modern masculinity the making of modern men the cultural and the psychological concepts that surround that topic so it's called a masculinity paradox and it's going livestream on November 10 I thank you you you

Channel: Summit

Views: 629,774

Rating: 4.8505063 out of 5

Keywords: summit, conference, ideas, talks, performances, gathering, community, Esther, perel, esther perel, relationships

Id: QFwWvr1YUjA

Length: 57min 43sec (3463 seconds)

Published: Wed Feb 13 2019