If You're an Independent Woman Having Trouble Finding a Man, Watch This | Relationship Theory

but she's gripping on to the ledge for dear life like literally as if she's about to drown and i came out the gym i got my music on i got my headphones in i'm singing along and i see her babe i [ __ ] drop everything and i was like mommy's coming baby mommy's coming and i go and i pick her up and i'm like are you okay she wasn't freaking drowning right should her feet on the ground shut the feet on the ground hey everybody welcome to another episode of relationship theory i'm tom bilyeu and i am joined by my lovely and beautiful wife lisa bilyu and today we are going to be talking about whether men actually want independent women let's light some people on fire let's go [Music] i'm a working professional and a single mum i'm naturally independent and self-reliant it is my true nature to be that way i have a very playful happy personality which attracts guys but as soon as the guy notices my self-reliance he gets uninterested my ex recently said that he doesn't see me in a relationship because men naturally want to be with women who need them how much truth do you think there is in this statement you know it's really interesting so as often as the case i will caveat by saying i don't know her so i don't know if she's accurately representing the situation or not but as we discovered or i should say as i discovered very early on in our relationship where i thought the only thing you would find attractive was me being better than you at everything and then finally had my daryl moment which is a movie from the 80s if people haven't seen it where this kid's an android and he's being raised by his parents and the mother's having a really hard time because the kid is perfect in every way he literally doesn't need a parent and it really stuck with me i was probably like i don't know nine or ten when i saw it and the dad pulls the kid aside and says look your your mother needs to be needed and like it clicked for daryl and so he started messing things up and then the mom felt needed and i want to separate two issues i love that you're independent i love that because i'm not responsible for your every moment you have your own hopes dreams desires friends hobbies everything which gives me some time to spend selfishly the way that i want to spend it and so we come together truly as peers and equals and um but going back to that moment where i had the realization that who on earth would want to be in a partnership where the other person is better than them at everything like that would really be quite miserable and to come together as peers to for you to be better than me at some things and for that to be mutually acknowledged mutually acknowledged for you to know you're better at it for me to know you're better at it and for us to say here are the things that you're better at and the converse for you to know that i'm better at things for me to know that i'm better at things and for you to say these are the things that you're better at and to have moments where you know that i need you and to have moments where i know that you need me it feels awesome and if somebody feels the need to be so independent that they can't be open to like hey you carry me for a minute it's a really beautiful thing that takes a lot of security to finally get to the point where you can be like no actually you're really good at this and i'm terrible and i love that this is a moment for you to shine and for you to be strong and all of that and then i love the moments where i get to be strong and carry you and and i'm using probably really masculine language for that because it's going to be like slightly different like maybe i need support or nurturing or maybe sometimes it really is strength but like learning that dance i think is really important and for any guys listening to this if they need to hear it from like an ultra masculine perspective jocko willing talks about in the military you better be able to lead and follow and if you can't follow if your ego is such that you always have to be the leader you're going to get shot in the face and recognizing it's just smart to be so emotionally secure that you can be nimble and say it doesn't detract from my value for you to be in a leadership position and i'm very capable of also stepping into that god i literally think you hit the nail on the head on that last line it's like what um what was the the words you just said the sentence like at the very end yeah for me to be able to follow it was yeah the insecurity so the um the fact that like you have to be okay with following and leading and when it comes to needs and this ex-boyfriend i think it's very clear of how he felt where his identity maybe was in i'm going to take care of you and now that person doesn't need taken care of what does that mean for them and clearly he's not secure in that in fact that was it be secure in yourself and i think that that's where it comes from if you think that you can only bring one value to a relationship i have to provide for them let's say in a very traditional you know male female relationship the male the man wants to provide okay but what if she doesn't need providing is that the only thing that they value themselves for so if you take that away now they're like oh well i have nothing to bring to this relationship it makes me feel bad so goodbye i think that that is very clear on the fact that it is the type of selection she is making if she is finding guys that when she turns up confident that doesn't go [ __ ] that's awesome that they go so you think this is a hymn problem i do and even though she from this perspective all we know because this guy may have had many other successful relationships but we know that she has had problem after problem after problem and it's been the same problem so here's actually so you're right that what i just said is a hint problem 100 but her problem is is she so valuing her independence that she's not allowing someone to come into her space and to be vulnerable and to show that she needs something i think everyone needs something everyone so now it's a question is are you strong that you're just oh you're too strong or too prideful and it's like i'm strong i can handle myself i don't need anything from anyone now if that's how she's approaching the relationship i actually get why the guys i will [ __ ] well what what's the point of being this relationship i want to feel needed i think everyone does i love it when you need me so is that what she's doing where she's now putting her guard up they come in they're now saying well she doesn't need me what am i bringing to this relationship so i can't beat it so i do think it's 100 both ways in the first example i think that's a him thing but it also is how is she approaching it um because it's totally true like me and you there are times where i'm like okay i could handle this by myself but i know that like i actually like turning to you i like turning into like babe kill the spider like that actually makes me feel a certain way um because yeah i mean just going back to people want to feel good people want to feel like they're bringing value to a relationship and if you come to the relationship going oh no i'm good i've got my [ __ ] together i actually don't need you but hey you're here you know and so that becomes a little tricky um and then the last thing i'll say though is on the flip side of not being too needy to the person making sure that you're not just turning them to them to make you feel a certain way to make you feel good about yourself that you are are able to stand strong and be independent um and the thing for me the one story that you know really struck me was i'd always turn to you you're my you know i'm five foot one and you're six foot i love how big you are and you wrap your arms around me and i feel protected by you and i love that like i actually love that feeling even though i think of myself as very independent strong women and there was one time that my gut really freaking caused problems and i was in the middle of a photo shoot i ran to our bathroom and i fell on my knees and i grabbed my phone i was like i need my husband i really hate this [ __ ] story i know you do but it's actually important to say like it was such a and in fact i want to ask you why you hate it but let me continue so i'm on my knees in agony can barely breathe because my gut was so painful and i'm calling you and i'm like i need him i need him and we have all of the three phone rules if you call three times it means no matter what you're doing even with if you're with the president you freaking walk out the room you call your wife back and so i call you three times and you still don't answer and i know that you're in the house so i'm just like he's obviously got his phone off and i'm on the floor holding my side and i'm like i need him and i was like [ __ ] i don't need him i want him but i don't need him get the [ __ ] up lisa and i got up and that lesson taught me so much about myself that i love the story but you clearly hate it i i love what you took away from it and that's so powerful and so you and is a huge reason why our relationship is so healthy um but obviously in that moment i didn't know my phone was ringing and the thought that you could be lying somewhere struggling like that and i just oh i'm oblivious i have no idea it's like in those movies you know somebody's dying and they're calling the person and the person's distract i just really really hate that i hate to think that something is innocuous as like just not realizing my phone was ringing is the difference between i mean not to like derail but you know like people end up choking to death when they're by themselves but they're saved if they're with somebody and just the thought that something that sort of excruciating um i was so close to you and just didn't know and isn't it i mean this is a great example then of how it makes you feel to be needed not sure what you mean by that because in this instance being needed and failing to show up because i didn't know leaves me with like every time you bring the story up i relive this like god i cannot believe i didn't realize because being needed is so powerful and when you're with somebody who is so strong and confident and all that the few times you get to like really be a hero and to be useful you want to make sure that you're there for that and like the time where banzai was eating the mouse and i got to tanta you know and come and that's all another story for people to really hear but um you know in those moments you feel great that you can deliver on that promise and so to find out after the fact that you went through all of that and i just was i just didn't know what's happening yeah god there's one little side note that i hope is not too off topic but kind of going back to like i'm actually leaning more into maybe it's her maybe she really is just like not allowing a guy to come in and to to feel needed and the more i think about it the more i think of how important it is like two weeks or less than two weeks ago wookie fell into a little pool and it's so shallow that literally her feet are touching the floor but she's gripping on to the ledge for dear life like literally as if she's about to drown and i came out the gym i got my music on i got my headphones in i'm singing along and i see her babe i [ __ ] drop everything and i was like mommy's coming baby mommy's coming and i go and i pick her up and i'm like oh you're okay she wasn't freaking drowning right she had her feet on the ground feet on the ground i felt so good about myself like for a few hours after i was felt like you rescued her i did and i was going up and i was like did mommy save you but it goes to show that like the almost just echoing of why i'm being needed in a relationship is beautiful now you're ready for something really weird yeah oh god i found this so interesting ah good catch wow that was there for the whole beginning um i found this really really interesting article about why in a romantic relationship you end up calling each other baby because isn't that good is this going to freak me out now it's going to be like a week so i found it re it it's along these lines so when when you're an integrated person right so young talks about you need to be able to integrate the shadow side of yourself uh carl jung and when you are unable to be honest about the fact that you have a dark side or a shadow side then it will manifest in really weird ways so the same is true that inside all of us is a child is somebody that wants to be held when they're scared that wants to be vulnerable that wants to be vulnerable at times and to receive that reassurance and when you had a childhood where you received that that you would express fear uncertainty whatever and you would be comforted that you're able to integrate that child and so as you get older you can sort of migrate in and out of these moments of vulnerability and to sort of step into that that thing that still lives inside of you which we'll call the inner child and when you're in a romantic relationship where this is truly integrated and you feel that you can actually let your guard down and that you can allow yourself to at times be vulnerable there's pathology on both sides and become really obsessed with this idea so you can be too needy and you can be too tough right so this idea that when you have integrated that inner child and the relationship feels safe that you can lower that guard and so over time as you really begin to connect and integrate with each other you get to the point where you express that that thing where you can each let that side of you out and what's interesting about it is how like sort of nurturing it is now because like for instance god this is where if you've got kids you probably get them out of the room but i would never say baby to you in like a an aggressive way you know what i mean like a sexually aggressive way would never cross my mind but in a tender moment yes and so it's really fascinating now it gets into like other phrases like daddy which has all kinds of weird connotations and meanings and so as i was reading this article i was like oh my god are these two things tied so that's utterly fascinating but anyway that whole idea of the the integration and that it is so universal if i remember right from the article they're saying basically across every culture there is this idea of an infantile word finds its way into really like connected relationships where vulnerability is something that you can go in and out of whoa yeah i was like wow that's really interesting yeah because we call each other baby all the time 100 never even thought about because it's such a thing right like my parents called each other baby it's like it's just in the cultural subconscious that that's a thing it's interesting because if i was mad at you i may say babe but i would never say baby right but babe right yeah true but i'd never go baby that also that gets into another interesting thing of like does it normalize over time and like in the beginning would you have done that maybe not i don't know it's i don't know enough about the underlying psychology but when i read that i was like oh my god this is so interesting very interesting all right so the last thing i'll say on all of that is in any relationship i would highly encourage people if there is a pattern in your relationships across different people you are the consistent element and there's only two fingers right that should ever be pointed and that's your thumbs back at you like what am i doing in this scenario that i could change and that doesn't mean that there isn't dysfunction in your partner as well just saying you can't control that and so retaining your power remembering that if you look at what you're doing then you can find a way out of this so it's really interesting that this idea of like remove like when you have a default base assumption right like her base assumption you know my obsession with the idea of base assumptions her base assumption is oh guys don't want an independent woman okay cool maybe that may actually be true but for a second review the problem and remove that as an option so now we're going to set your dominant base assumption aside and say what could this be if it couldn't be that what else might it be and see if you stumble upon something that's just as plausible and that like opens people's minds and whatever you're facing whenever it seems like oh it's always this way right if you remove that and explore other possibilities and i think we're living through sort of a really um [Music] worrying time culturally where people have like these default answers you know like you know my feelings about patriarchy it's like it's a default answer maybe but like take that off the table for a second and see if there's anything else because it it is an expansive way to think and as you open your mind and begin looking at other things like the world just stops collapsing in on itself plus there's social proof right if that's really a belief that you have that men don't actually want independent woman women look around and say is that universally true well the great news is one right here it's not true so this is an example that there is potential of a relationship being had between a man and a woman where a man does love a woman being independent so now go back to what you said what are the things i'm doing wrong in my own way of interacting with my partner and then also to the selection who am i selecting that they don't like the fact that i'm independent and putting those two things together i think could really result in a relationship that she's really looking for where she can be herself and be independent but yet still have someone that loves her for her word all right everybody there it is like anything it is a mixed bag and i'm sure there are some guys who don't want an independent woman but do i think that that's universally true no i don't i think people want to step into a relationship as peers i think that the ability to have the interchange of roles sometimes leading sometimes following is the healthiest way to be able to be vulnerable in a relationship is incredibly powerful and whenever you're assessing a situation ask what could you do differently to get a different result and with that i will bid you all adieu and from both of us until next time my friends build an amazing relationship take care

Channel: Relationship Theory

Views: 35,693

Keywords: relationship theory, tom bilyeu, lisa bilyeu, married couples, relationships, advice for couples, long-term relationships, relationship advice, dating advice, dating advice for women, dating advice for men, marriage advice, being an independent woman, dating an independent woman, strong independent woman, single independent woman, independent women, I don’t need you but I want you, I want to feel wanted, self reliance, men want to be needed

Id: t6VQDYxSLZw

Length: 19min 24sec (1164 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 16 2021