How to Know if You're Ready For a Relationship | Relationship Theory

this is some pr that she's spinning like one day one day i'm coming for it not today back up not today but one day and that is super fishy to me hey everybody welcome to another episode of relationship theory i'm your co-host tom billy and i'm here with my beautiful wife and co-host lisa billio and this is from anonymous every time my phone goes off i hope it's her we are so close we could be called the best of friends and recently we both came out and said how we feel but something else came to know she said she feels like there is a certain amount of growing we both have to do before it's ready for us to be in a relationship but she wants to know that she's coming for me quote unquote both on cloud nine and shot out of the sky at the same time we are creatives but right now i'm in tech she says i'm one of the most enlightened persons she's ever known and often feels like she can't compare and that's how i feel about her what do i do sounds to me like they have to have a real conversation because i don't understand what like you don't say that somebody's enlightened but are like oh we have a lot of growing to do yeah and then i don't know what would make her think that growing like you're not you can't read about a relationship and get better at it like you've got to be in the relationship you're always going to learn through engagement so it's like if you want to be in a relationship with that person be in a relationship and then work together to open lines of communication to process to you know grow together all of that stuff it isn't like i'm going to go to college and study relationships and then once i graduate i'll come back and and then we can be in a relationship so there's either just a minor issue with her perspective on how one gets good at something or this is some pr that she's spinning like one day one day i'm coming for it not today back up not today but one day and that is super fishy to me yeah i would just get very specific like what do you mean that we both have to grow before we're ready like okay well what like ready to be in a relationship so are there certain elements of her personality and his personality that she thinks if they get into relationship now that it could ruin their potential of having a great relationship okay well if that's the case great it's amazing that she's identifying but be specific now what are those things that she needs to grow into and he needs to grow into in order for them to cut to come together because otherwise like you said it's so like up in the air what does that even mean right it's like having a business with no end goal or strategy it's like well then you're just running a business with and you're just kind of treading water right so yeah with the relationship it's like get super specific what does she mean about growing am i crazy like in in all of these questions to me there's something missing which is you have no moral obligation to be in a relationship i think being in a relationship only makes sense when the person makes you feel better about yourself when you're with them and when you're not there should be that sense of giddiness that it sounds like we have in this question but there should be like a real hunger to be together to spend time there's like a deep apprehension in a lot of these questions that to me my default answer is then the relationship just isn't that exciting like we're moving too fast it's not the right person like there are a lot of elements of like they they don't have clarity and the the best explanation my mom ever gave me about being in love i thought this was so powerful when you feel about somebody in such a strong way that you think no one has ever felt about someone the way that i feel about this person that's when you know it's love because that's how it felt with you i thought there's no way nobody's ever felt like this before nothing would get done nothing in the world would ever move forward if anyone before has ever felt what i feel for you and so from that so much clarity was born now that doesn't mean that there weren't times i remember when you made me destroy the negatives of the photos that i took of you and i was like i don't know if i can be with somebody that would destroy great art i thought that was super crazy um when you were getting sick all the time i thought hmm not so sure about this and when you oh god the other thing that we just mentioned oh when you didn't want to stay with me i thought but those were so easy to process through it's kind of thing that you process through in 24 hours where you're like okay wait actually she's being quite practical she's a very bulletproof argument about the like look this is early enough in the relationship i could find myself you know 6 000 miles from home and nowhere to stay right so it's like okay and and then i'm running your logic against how does she make me feel like she she makes me feel awesome we feel super connected um she lights up when she sees me like everything just seems real so there's nothing in this from what she says and how she acts everything's in alignment yeah so i'm like okay nothing weird back to you by the way of me having explaining look like i am a bit fearful like i you know i'm really into you but what happens if we do get into an argument you know where am i going to go and the same goes it's like how are you going to react to that right because if i was very clear about my communication and why i want another place it wasn't just like no no it's fine i'll get my own i wasn't just trying to brush off i actually told you why and if you reciprocated by saying like that's ridiculous then i'll be like okay he's not for me because clearly he isn't listening to the concern i have and i can't be with somebody who when you voice a concern brushes it off like that like it's meaningless so in both circumstances you're looking at me saying oh can i be with someone like that if they do x y and z and i'm the same like can i be with somebody but again going back to you make me feel safe you make you you're always very much a gentleman and now is his um his actions on the thing going to line up with how he's made me feel and when you're like i actually get it even though you're a bit upset um it aligns with exactly everything you've told me you really like me so you wanted me to stay with you you know so everything you were saying and everything we were doing seemed aligned sorry just i know that's what you were kind of saying as well right yeah there's just congruity yeah and i do also think though that um you're coming from a perspective where you've never been in a relationship where someone's really hurt you and so i want to be very cognizant of a lot of listeners or you know viewers that may be in that situation where they come from very bad relationships where they've they've been hurt or something bad has really happened so i really do get that there's going to be sometimes some um resistance or um holding back from certain things mistake but it does it doesn't mean you need to communicate that though is what i was going to go to yeah but i think there's something more going on here so i haven't had my heart broken in um love but i've had my heart broken in business and i know what it's like to think that you you know let's say you're partnering with another company or something and you think whoa like this is legit i really connect with these people this is amazing we're gonna do extraordinary things together and then to have it fall apart or to have been based on lies or to have somebody steal from you or whatever so it's like having gone through that i know that it will make me less likely to succeed in business if i come with an undue level of skepticism so if i bring that baggage into the next potential business partnership it's like well they're gonna sense the hesitation the arm's length relationship like the the thing that i think humans have to do is understand that you can it's like the mental aspects of things or one area where you can either let things be scars or you can just really heal them and let go and i think that people have to do that and it comes with doing a lot of work of self-reflection of realizing what you did and how you could have acted differently to control the situation and it has to do with okay what could i have done better to see the potential problems what are the red flags that i ignored or whatever and so you begin to build out principles to use ray dalio's terms about how to interact with somebody but what you're really lamenting is your inability to read whether somebody's trustworthy or not so a relationship not working out can be done very respectfully i'm not saying that oh every relationship is going to be a success and it's you know one shot one kill i'm just saying despite all of my ups and downs in business i don't come into it like you know super standoffish like whoa whoa whoa it's like i know the certain red flags i know the areas where i maybe move too fast i know the areas that i might not be ideal at reading people on a given personality trait or whatever and so i bring people in that can help me assess and understanding that the beauty is that you're always going to be at risk to some extent but if you want to move forward and you want to create momentum you can't be ultra standoffish like that so yes i get it people have had failed relationships in the past yes i get it people have been betrayed and they've been hurt but if they take that on board and go what was i blind to what did i not see so that i don't make that mistake so i don't have that same vulnerability in the future um and that may be therapy it may be figuring out why they go for somebody that doesn't elevate them and make them feel better and doesn't communicate and all that like what is it about you that's drawn to people like that and then what is it that's lacking in your skill set like i i really believe that 80 of a successful relationship is definitely selection i don't want to take that away from you but at the same time like i'm a high level communicator so i know that you can transpose me to another relationship and i'll at least know like here here are the the tools and the skill set if you're unwilling to avail yourself of these tools if you're unwilling to step to the table to communicate if you don't understand your own feelings and when i help you process through that you're being deceitful or whatever then i go peace thanks for playing this clearly isn't going to work right so like once you have that box of tools and you understand where somebody has to play you understand your own weaknesses it's like the danger of being blindsided goes down and down and down so it's like the more failed relationship somebody has the more they should be able to trust themselves as they go into a new relationship because they've done the work to figure out how they set themselves up for failure it's only when they're not processing through it's only when you know if they're blind to something that they're not seeking out a therapist or input from friends or whatever to become unblind to that thing that it becomes harder to go into the next relationship like in business the more you fail the better you get if you're assessing your failures and so in relationships i don't know there's something like people are so quick to assume it means that they're damaged they're bad they're whatever or worse the other person is damaged they're bad and they don't recognize the cycle it's like neither of those two things are true what is true is you have deployed poor relationship tactics they have deployed poor relationship tactics you have come together with poor relationship tactics and maybe personality deficiencies you're not examining those and you're trying to move forward without fixing the problem so yes you're going to keep having the same problem same problem same problem but it does not need to be that equation yeah it's like that person that turns around to edison and said how do you feel about your thousand failures and he's like there were ten thousand oh god ten thousand failures um yeah basically how do you feel about your ten thousand failures and he's like they're not failures there were steps and it's like oh my god i when i heard that i clearly didn't remember the stat but um loved it because it really is they're like well no if you see is a failure you may stop or but if you can see it as a step okay i've learned this and now i'm going on to the next thing and treat that like you would a business or a relationship 100 is i think when it's not just the mind right it's not just your thoughts it's your heart because heartbreak hurts way more than just a argument or you know like a mind break i don't know what you call that so are you saying that in business the kind of heartbreak that you're going to experience can't possibly not unless you're where you're saying for your situation if it's like a business setting but like if it's business where they feel like family or they're they're like let's say it's not let's say that business will never touch it yeah so it was me i would be way more heartbroken if it was something happened with a friend or a partner it was business well let's let's try what i would consider the absolute most inconceivable thing you pour your soul into somebody you invest emotionally for years and years and years you share your every vulnerability and then they not only betray you it's interesting you don't want to put yourself in this situation what do you mean because i said because you said to me oh oh oh imagine somebody but you can't say imagine me let's say you um then betray me and use my vulnerabilities against me to hurt me in all of that i would be devastated there would be a level of emotional trauma that i would go through and i would think very seriously about what kind of process would i have to go through to recover from the trauma but i would not think oh this is okay to sit in the trauma this is okay to let this harden into scar tissue i would think that is the only foolish path is to do nothing to not process through to not seek help to let this um become that sort of hard like toughen me up it's like then i'll never be in a relationship again and so i get the instinct to want to use that as armor and be like i'll never be betrayed by these again like that like and now i'm stealing no one can touch me i'm not letting anybody in but it's like eh that just on the surface i can tell you is a way to live so the beauty of love is to know i can always be hurt that this person has the exact key of how to destroy me emotionally and if they did that i'm not like as a rule in my life i'm not going to let that affect who i am how i see myself that i already have my rules locked into place to how it would deal with you if you betrayed me and it's a very simple two-step process i will never come after you because that's not my style i would give you half my and be like you earned that long before this stupid thing that you did that betrayed me and now i'm never going to think of you again other than what i have to do to process through the grief and the betrayal and all that to make sure that i can open my heart to the next person and hearing you say that breaks my heart obviously i'm not going to go do anything it's just but hearing you think of you not you were the one that wanted me to put myself in the situation honey so i was happy to make this abstract no no i actually like that it's personal and you know me that's exactly how i deal ideal but just even hearing you say that you would just like not think about it yeah and i get it um but by the way you still have to process that grief and all that um i just wouldn't allow myself to opine for you to long for you to paint a picture of how things used to be and like you know fictionalize this like oh my god it was so great and it will be unmatched i would immediately start training myself my next relationship will be better and i'm so grateful for what i've been through here because now i can learn something about myself i'll be empowered to find a better relationship to navigate that relationship better to not make the same mistakes and and i would just be doing that and i would i would have to really think about how i wanted to handle the betrayal because for me it's when i have quote unquote been betrayed by people in the past my response is always but that's their true nature and that's why i would be so surprised by a betrayal from you i would actually think she's got a tumor a hundred percent she has a brain tumor would do good actually it would not be keeping with your character to betray me that doesn't mean that i couldn't see an instance where you would break up with me for sure i could um but yeah yeah of course i can there's only so much i can neglect you and then you would break and you would try a thousand different ways to get my attention but if i continued to fail to deliver against that you would hit your breaking point and say i can no longer do this because i no longer feel like i'm your number one like all of that and out of self-preservation and a desire to have your most beautiful life you would eventually leave so i like i can clearly imagine that scenario which is why i never want to like i would react in kind and aggressively makes you sad yeah it just got me a little emotional but does it make you sad i mean to think about life without you i don't want to do well well that i get but does it make you sad to think that i can imagine that there is like a scenario under which you would leave oh that's a good question it makes me god it's funny because it makes me sad but obviously it's good that you acknowledge it so that you know to never allow it to get to that point if that makes sense yeah i mean this to me seems like you should be like oh my god it's amazing he's the best ever like i can't believe he thinks about this this is so incredible that's why we'll be together forever and you're like this makes me sad that you can imagine it's it's look i know you and this is the sort of thing we always need to talk about and think about but the thought of being without you the thought of thinking that you could push me to break up with you i don't know it's just a sad thought yeah i totally agree and i just want to make sure that the sad thought is that there could be a world where we're not together with you that freaks me out even losing you in brain damage those are my two fears two i don't fear losing money i don't even fear the other people in my life dying that would suck but i don't live in fear of it it would be heartbreaking traumatic all that i live in fear of losing you because i know how much of like just my identity and everything is tied up in you like i actually don't know who i am without you and so that is i love that i don't say that like oh my god like that's so weird i have to be so careful and really define myself you know was totally separate i want to be completely enmeshed with you but that makes me very protective of the relationship because i went all the way in and so it's like cool i've allowed my identity to be completely caught up in like an us and i'm down for that i love that the most but now i have to be ultra protective of that and we've spoke about that we spoke about us going all in about making sure that we intertwine our lives so that we are one and because so many people there's a lot of people out there right now that are thinking they're freaking crazy don't go in there especially people that have been scarred right especially if you've been in a relationship that you went all in and the other person hurt you and now you you're back at square one um now before you i had had a long relationship um obviously it wasn't serious like us i was you know in my early teen years but um i wasn't you know early 16. that's when it started that's what it started yeah yeah he still threw a rock through your window the night before our wedding so i'd say it was still pretty fresh all right to him maybe but um but i absolutely did bring baggage quote on quite now look i i had a fixed mindset back then as well so i you know take keep that in mind but when we first started dating i was for sure standoffish you know like not standoffish is not the right word and protective yeah you were super reserved yeah reserved because when you have been hurt you know what it's like and it was only over time that we really did kind of morph and go okay like we're both in we're going all in we are very aware this was not something that happened on date number three but i'm just saying like but even now people i think that have been in long relationships still are very conscious about not giving themselves yeah and do you know why because they blame their partners they don't blame themselves they don't take extreme ownership they're not thinking oh i made 86 wrong moves and that is why and therefore i have to be super wary of the other person because it's about them it's not about me so it's like read the first five books in my reading list and it will change your relationships forever even though none of them are about relationships but most of them are about extreme ownership and really recognizing that if something is wrong in your life it is entirely your fault not so that you can feel badly about yourself that's not the word fault is like a super trigger word but it's like until you can face trigger words like fault blame shame then you're you don't have the emotional stability that you need to go and be successful in a relationship force ways wow people got to own themselves man own your self this is like this is so terrible even to say out loud but i've said before that part of me wants to get addicted to heroin just so i can show people that i could use bright lines to like get unaddicted super stupid and i won't do it but like the same thing right that if i had like somehow if i could send you away for three years and show people how to build like that i could build another relationship that was super powerful um i would have a lot more credibility because i've only done it once well if you're gonna do one test i think i'd rather you try the heroine and send me away for two years it's probably yeah believe it or not that actually might be better i think it would do less damage on our overall lives even though that would be really stupid this is taking a turn this is taking time for the more interesting though i think that was silent disagreement over there oh i don't know for the moment well the funny thing is because i know you so well i just don't know how other people are going to react to the heroin comment but to be honest oh yeah yeah you're going to get some you're gonna get something for that i think it's important for you to be you you don't mean anything by it you

Channel: Relationship Theory

Views: 27,713

Rating: 4.9512691 out of 5

Keywords: Relationship Theory, Tom Bilyeu, Lisa Bilyeu, relationships, couples, marriage, engaged, dating, relationship advice, advice, ready for relationship, ready for love, prepare for love, next relationship, your next relationship, dating again, waiting for them, waiting for love, love drives a relationship, apprehensive about relationship, moving on from past relationships, fears in love, own your mistakes, go all in

Id: oc3y02QtVU0

Length: 22min 37sec (1357 seconds)

Published: Fri Oct 09 2020