How to Establish if Your Relationship is a Priority | Relationship Theory

[Music] you are my number one priority and the business is insanely important to me but it it is not as important to me as you [Music] uh i am your co-host tom bill you and i'm here with my beloved wife lisa billion what's up hello welcome to the show everybody all right so this question comes from youtube again from colonel suther what do you think sorry what do you think when you get caught up between partners expectations and your responsibility towards work at the same time i get choked up and my partner and i end up in a verbal spat well it's super well done to you for being aware of what's happening like ending up in the verbal spat is not ideal ending up in the verbal spat not knowing how or why you ended up there is really bad so we can live with ending up there when you've got some self-awareness around why you've ended up there and i think that's a really really important distinction to make so bravo to you now that you know it you want to start working to unwind that and i will say that i was thinking about that this morning so this morning i was really annoyed that your microbiome is demanding so much of my time and attention and then i thought wait a second because there's so many other things i could be learning to push the business forward and i thought whoa whoa whoa this is how i know it's real when i say that you are my number one priority and the business is insanely important to me but it it is not as important to me as you and so time allocation is one of those ways men you find out like what's really going on because the business could be growing faster if i took the time that i spend trying to learn about the microbiome and the funny thing was i found myself going well but also we're gonna do like health theory and so it's all important i said no even if it wasn't i would still be doing it because the truth is seeing you suffer with that is not okay for me and i accept responsibility for solving the problem and so that requires that i put that time and energy and reframing it in my mind like that was like so like my stress levels just dropped to nothing it's like this is my value system at work and so yeah like be completely comfortable with it so you need to dear person asking the question you need to really know like what your value system is and does that relationship and by the way there is no right answer this is that you don't have a moral imperative to make the relationship your number one you just need to be honest about what your value system is if your value system is the business above all then let the other person know that's your value system act in accordance with it maybe that ends the relationship but if your value system is the business over everything then what does it matter and if your value system is the relationship over everything then you need to act in accordance with that stop being annoyed when there are those moments of collision make sure that the person is getting the time and attention that they need and it doesn't mean that you swing everything over to that way part of what allows me to put the amount of time and energy into that that i do is because you're so understanding with everything else like both of us this morning i was like i'm starting to feel the burn we haven't had a lot of time to spend together over the last couple weeks i'm feeling the burn i really wanted you to join me in the shower this morning but our timing was off hey tmi perhaps but we actually use the shower as just hanging out time yeah 100 so and it doesn't hurt my feelings that you get in the shower without any clothes on so um that is like one of those things where i'm feeling the burn now yeah and so i i thought whoa when i feel the burn i know that you've been feeling the burn for even longer so um i don't remember why i started that i started thinking about you in the shower which is very distracting to me um but yeah so you oh the just prioritizing the time like yeah you're so giving with letting you know two weeks go where it's like okay i really have to in an acute like time frame here i really have to push push push taking a lot of time that would otherwise um be our time uh and because of that it's like the other stuff is very easy to give give give to make sure that it remains in my number one position if it you were just like always demanding more more and more and it was like this huge chasm between you and then the business and i was never able to get the business going and all that that wouldn't sit well with me yeah and i think that really identifying what the partner's expectations are like get really concrete right we can't we do treat it as a business in the sense of how we approach things like write down what are all of her expectations of you and of the relationship is it quality time together is it um texts him more often like what are her expectations be on the same page right can then you can write out then there's no surprise okay this is what is expected for me this is what i expected from her and then what are all your responsibilities at work right because he says that it's kind of um his responsibilities at work at the same time like he doesn't know how to balance them um write down all those responsibilities as well and then prioritize each of them um and then have each other responsible for a role right so that i'm we've agreed i'm the one that's responsible for always making sure we reconnect you're driving the business your go go go so we've just come to you know because i feel the burn much quicker than you do so you're not gonna read my mind so it made sense for me to be the one who can wave the flag when we start to you know not spend much time together so i'm responsible for that and then you're always very honest about their way than where you stand within the company and what your responsibilities are for that week or what you have to do and then we find that medium and it's in that communication that i think allows us to then to not get into massive heated fights because we come to a conclusion together so for instance i remember once where i was going through a really really hard time and you had this big business trip and you said baby i have to go and i said i need you to stay and i remember that because i was like i'm not gonna like this is one of those moments where i have to vocalize i can't just be like no it's fine baby like it really meant a lot to me and i know i had to tell you i need you to stay but you had to tell me you have to go and that you had you know so we literally sat there and like i'm like you have to say and you're like i have to go and we spoke about it and i said every reason why i needed you and you told me every reason why you had to go and we came to a conclusion that you going was the right thing and then in exchange for that when you got back i needed two full days of your time right we kind of we did like a negotiation where it's like because i so understood for your identity you had to go if you didn't go i knew that ultimately um even if you tried not to you would have maybe have been resentful to me because again it's about your identity and i'm never going to ask you to be somebody that you're not um and so we came to that conclusion so we really do just discuss what are the expectations what are the boundaries and then how do we make it work for each situation it's so important yeah oh man and i remember exactly what you're talking about and thank god i went thank god you did too but and here's the thing this is the advanced class stuff right so because on paper it seemed like well wait a second if the relationship is your highest priority and they come into conflict and your wife's saying she needs you to go and she's never abusive about that and so she says it you still go like you know what the [ __ ] um but on one hand you had something that was not just time sensitive there was only one chance ever to get it right and it would echo through my business life forever and then there was the super acute it means you're gonna suffer by yourself for two days but barring me dying in a plane crash like i'll be back and then i'll be able to make up for that time so the the one was it the the opportunity never would come again and it wasn't even just a positive opportunity it was reputation protective i needed to i needed to do something in order to show everybody who knew what was going on in that situation like i needed to show them who i am and i knew that that would resonate not only with me but it would resonate with other people it would inoculate me from future things so it was and you were very very interested and then for me it was identity too right it's i'm put in this situation where i need you because i am i'm emotionally god i don't want to say unstable but i was definitely an emotional turmoil and at that moment at that moment right and so i was very honest with you about how i was feeling that i was in this emotional turmoil and that i needed you there but i also recognize my identity is that i need to also self-soothe right if i'm just always turning to you as my crutch and i will fall apart without you then i don't find pride in that either so i'm like okay what is my identity my identity is that i've been very honest so never test somebody right i didn't test you and be like fine you're gonna go go and then see if he stayed or not i don't test so i was very honest and then when you didn't reciprocate with what i wanted i thought my identity is i support you 100 and i support you understanding what you need to do for yourself and for the business and so now if i'm coming in conflict with that it's actually the opposite to why i identify as being that supportive partner and wife so if i can just maintain or somehow bring down my emotions over two days when you come back i'll be able to have that time with you um but also the key is not to be resentful once you've made that decision because that's another thing like if you had gone and then you came back and i was just like moody like oh no i'm fine now it's fine right like the either the silent treatment or the stroppiness or hold it against you and keep bringing it up as like a weapon like yeah but you didn't stay with me so i need you to do this like that it's going back to the dust settling like once we've made a decision you need to flip that switch in your mind and say this is what we're gonna do and that when he comes back i'm gonna be very clear with you what i need you have to switch your phone off like i need your time and then i'm gonna need you to respect me back because you know or respect with that decision that okay this is what she needs i've gone away and now even if i've got a ton of work to do i've recognized what she's given to this decision and i'm going to switch my phone off and you then not hold it against me you know how when a kid is just so cute you say you want to eat them yeah like right now i want to eat like that answer is so important and i hope people really heard this like dude the way that you support the way that you've got the emotional intelligence to know i can't ever use this as a weapon to not be resentful or stroppy when i get back like oh my god like that's so important and it's important to know that's not naturally me it's not naturally anybody but that's what like it's these are skills and tips and tricks that you can absolutely cultivate over time and so it's it's not easy for me i have to remind myself sometimes i slip but it's important to always remember what you're trying to get to to get there and i'm going to say a very quick little story um based on that and then we can i think actually time's almost up um but based on understanding expectations of each other and how you communicate the one thing we did is when you work a lot as the other half which meant maybe other people can relate to this um if they're really busy like i would text and you'd put k as an answer not okay just the letter k um or i'd call you and you'd ignore my calls because you're in a meeting or something and so i started to feel like i wasn't um being prioritized or like why are you being rude to me and so we had a discussion about like what my expectations were from you and what yours was for me and you're like look i can't answer your phone if you're just calling me to figure out hey babe what do you want for dinner like we need a system that knows when you really need to speak to me i'm going to be there for you no matter what but if you're just asking me a question and i'm busy to grow the company to grow our vision to grow where we want to go you need to respect that i'm not going to answer you the phone and when i say k it doesn't mean that i don't love you i absolutely do but that's my way of needing to communicate with you for speed sake so what are the things that gonna make you feel okay this is what you said to me that makes you feel loved but at the same time doesn't then suck up my time and now we're you know taking steps backwards so we had a whole decision of like okay if i need you because you kept ignoring my calls like i just wanna like say hi or i've got a quick question it was if it's urgent you call three times so call number one and you don't answer it means that you're busy call number two if you don't answer it means that you're really busy call number three means you better answer it whether you're with the president of the united states or not because i need you and that's where i know i really do have the um what's the word i guess the chip to place like i need you i need you to to stop work because i give up my life um for what we're doing and so that third call is i have to answer it immediately and i think i've used that maybe twice in our entire i can only remember one 15-year relationship maybe um where our dog um had a mouse in its mouth like crunching down on there i was freaking out i was huddled in the corner like shaking like he's got a mouse oh my god and he's growling at me and he's barking at me and i called you three times and you didn't even ask why i was like babe i need you to come on right now you're like i'm on my way oh my gosh everything i said yeah but i need you he's got a mouse in his mouth i'm there and i think you were even in a meeting and and you dropped the phone and you came now the funniest thing to this story is it wasn't a mouse it was a toy mouse it was a cat toy that my dog happened to have found but in this moment you proved yourself you didn't like hesitate i told you i needed you so going back to this question about expectations and work restrictions like have those rules in place because that way i'm not abusive of them i never ring you three times in a row but even if i thought it was pathetic i was like i'm not gonna stand here with a dog with a freaking real mouse in his mouth well that and that was the first time that he went from being your son to being a dog because he never growled at you he's never grounded yeah broken and grossed out and it was so so the flip side of that story is phone rings once i'm in a meeting phone rings once i'm like all right phone's ring phone rings twice now i'm on alert cause is this gonna be the time where it goes three and then you called the third time and i was like holy [ __ ] i said guys forgive me i have to take this call then you explain all you said was i need you to come home right now and i said guys um this isn't gonna make any sense but i have to go right now and they were like okay no problem hung up boom dash out and then by the time i got there he had let go of the mouse and you were freaking out and it's out on the balcony oh god he was chewing on it and i go out there and i'm like wow there's no blood like that's so weird and like i get closer and closer and then i'm like i think that's a toy and i pick it up and i'm like this is amazing this is the best thing ever so i was like the one time my wife has ever used the like bat phone i know it's for a cat toy a cat toy it was awesome um yeah but the takeaway message is like just have those discussions what are the rules for both of you like how do you balance it how do you because you made me feel special right i know now that if i need you i've got the power to to get your attention um and so i don't feel like if you ignore me the first time or the second time now that it's a person because you know you're in power you can make the third call if you decide right your sole discretion right and that i will pick up and to your earlier point about how you then have to be super understanding not beat the other person up when i came and found that it was a cat though i wasn't like what the [ __ ] are you doing like i was in a meeting how would you call it three times over a cat toy i was like one first of all i laughed and then was like 100 if you felt you needed me in that moment regardless of how it comes out like you felt you needed it you've never been abusive and so it ended up being a very positive fun funny story i didn't come unglued or say i can't believe you did this it was i just knew that while it was a false alarm like in the moment it was very real for you you

Channel: Relationship Theory

Views: 13,257

Keywords: balance career and relationship, balance love and work, how to balance career and relationship, how to handle a relationship with a busy man, knowing your priorities, not a priority, priorities relationship, priority relationship, relationship when busy, set your priorities in relationships, values relationship, finding balance in relationships, balance work and relationships, lisa bilyeu, relationship advice, relationship theory, relationships, tom bilyeu

Id: qwcYjloWQo4

Length: 17min 36sec (1056 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 28 2021