If You HEAR THIS, That's Gaslighting! - 3 Ways to Put TOXIC PEOPLE In Their Place | Najwa Zebian

When someone tells you I feel like my confidence has been knocked down it's literally because of this you could say that the sky is blue and they'll tell you no it's not someone who's toxic and manipulative wants you to believe that you are the problem they get you to a point where you open up to them about everything you trust them with everything and that's when they betray you [Music] if we're in a toxic or manipulative relationship we feel that we're either taking advantage of or sometimes we actually don't even realize what's happening and so we start to wander away imagining things we ignore our gut signals that are telling us or screaming at us to run in the other direction so what are the signs we can start to identify that we're in a toxic relationship being manipulated by maybe our partner and start to actually listen to our intuition the first thing that comes to mind for you to realize that you are in a toxic relationship or in a manipulative situation is ask yourself is what this person asking you to do in your best interest is it in your best interest or is it in their best interest is it in your best interest or is it in the best interest of the relationship because some people will say well you do have to compromise sometimes yes you do but as long as you're not the only one compromising so in any situation where your partner is asking you to do something or asking you to think a certain way or to express or not express yourself a certain way ask yourself is this in my best interest because people who care about you and love you genuinely want what's in your best interest the moment you sense your partner does not have your best interest in mind that's a time for you to pause and take some time to figure out what you want to do next I love that response is super powerful in those moments though your Intuition or your gut isn't I it's fine he's going through something tough right or maybe you give the reasons and the excuses or why may not be in your best interest like he's really struggling right now so it feels really selfish of me to think of myself in this moment and so all these signs that in hindsight so many of us beat ourselves up over ignoring when we go back if we were in that situation how do you start to process that and not give a pass you know like a what does it get off jail free card yes to the person that um doesn't have your best interest to heart and it's proven that it isn't just a temporary thing because I think also that's the important part as well when you start giving people excuses it rarely ever is your intuition that's telling you to make an excuse it's usually your conditioning that tells you you know put someone else's needs ahead of yours or at the end of the day as long as you please this person or as long as you do what you can to get them out of this mood or to get them out of whatever it is that they're going through you'll be fine it's not your intuition that's telling you to make excuses for people your intuition works in your best interest it works to protect you it's usually your conditioning that asks you to betray yourself your intuition always wants to make sure that you are there for yourself and sometimes being there for yourself and protecting yourself takes on the form of I'm not going to raise my voice I'm not going to express myself freely because if I do this person will walk away from me that really scares me so my intuition might tell me what to do to keep myself from feeling the pain of something that actually needs to happen in my life which is this person walking away but your intuition will never ever ever work against you as long as you say I am 100 trusting my intuition let me explain say you are in a toxic relationship where you feel like nothing that you do is enough nothing that you say is enough nothing that you do is right and nothing that you say is right you could say that the sky is blue and they'll tell you no it's not you know if you're in that kind of relationship again your intuition knows what will keep this relationship going your intuition knows what your biggest fears and traumas are are you afraid of Abandonment then it's going to tell you what to do to avoid that bad thing or that perceived Bad Thing by you happening then you can choose either to follow it this time or not but your intuition will always tell you we're doing this and we're aware that it's wrong for us and hopefully at some point you will be able to say I don't want to be in this relationship anymore I am going to do what it takes for it to end I'm going to tackle my fears of Abandonment my fears of whatever people do to me I'm going to tackle all of that and trust myself and my intuition in leading me to a place where I'm in a healthy relationship where I'm heard and seen and loved and cared for and where the people in my life especially my partner have my best interest in mind where I don't have to fight just to be looked at as a human or looked at as somebody who deserves to be treated with human decency so honor your intuition it is there to protect you look at your conditioning that tells you what you should or shouldn't do to be perceived by other people as worthy or enough or as you know you're worthy for people to stay in your life tackle the conditioning your intuition will be there with you for the rest of your life your conditioning changes based on you trusting that intuition of yours and saying I don't want to betray myself anymore I don't want to put everybody else ahead of me anymore the reason we get manipulated in toxic relationships is that we believe that someone else's definition of who we are or someone else's definition of what's right or wrong is more important and of more value than our own definitions so stop putting people ahead of you in your own life because that means you're not the leader of your life God do the Sovereign so I actually want to back up a little bit so how do we start to identify the science that this because I I think about what you just said and if I think about okay it's conditioning if that's where we start I think then we need to identify how we've been conditioned and where we've been conditioned and then what Behavior we now accept as normal because going back to what you were saying about the manipulation in the toxic relationship is that you're going to react based on your conditioning but if you've been conditioned to think this is normal you then go inwards right you then go oh my god well this must be me I must be going crazy or I am wrong so how do you start to just identify the signals not even address them yet but just identify the signals yes and then I would love to start really freaking unpacking how we then use those signals in order to give us a guide on how to approach things differently and then listen to our intuition as a result of that yes I first want to say no amount of conditioning that you have good or bad ever give someone else permission to manipulate you or hurt you or lie to you or betray you or take advantage of you we blame ourselves because sometimes Society tells us well you should have known better or yeah you came from a really messed up background so of course that was going to happen to you what that does is it takes the responsibility and the accountability from the person who actually inflicted pain upon you it puts it all on you do you need to take responsibility for your own healing absolutely you do but it's not 100 percent your problem or on you if you are in a relationship that's toxic or where you are being manipulated ask yourself is my intention to be manipulated or is my intention to be loved is my intention to be manipulated or is my intention to really make this relationship work so come back to your intention and affirm yourself that you are coming from a good place but sometimes coming from a good place is not enough for you coming from a good place sometimes you get into that corner where you feel like this is the only way for me to be a good person with the definition I've been told about what a good person looks like being a good person means I give people chances I see the best in them even when they hurt me you know I have to not take it personally and say to myself they must have had a bad day they must have had a bad life they must have had a bad childhood being a good person sometimes stops us from seeing people for who they are because we think if I give myself permission to see that person as a bad person that might reflect that I am somebody who sees people as bad people therefore I'm going to stop myself I think the very first sign you get that you are going through something toxic or manipulative is in your body you feel it somewhere in your body you feel either tension you feel like something different or something is very familiar in a way that scares you like I've felt this before for example when someone love bombs you we talk about love bombing all the time it's when people shower you with love and affection and I can't believe that someone like you exists and I'm so lucky that I've met you and they might not just shower you with gifts because I hear that commonly in definitions it's not just about gifts it's about words and contacting you all the time and wanting to see you all the time all of that is like I'm putting you up on a pedestal and for people who are wondering how do I discern between someone who's love bombing me and someone who's not think what is it about you that this person is loving do they know you well enough to know what to love about you I'm sure you're a great person I'm sure you have great qualities but do they know that so ask yourself that question so when somebody love bombs you showers you with love and words of affirmation and all of that your body can sense something's really off about this maybe you've been in a relationship before with someone who has narcissistic traits or someone who ended up being toxic so your body's like we felt this before or maybe you've never experienced this level of love before and your body's like wait a minute something doesn't feel right here or you just you feel this euphoric feeling that's like I've been waiting for this my entire life you also have to pay attention in moments like that when you're feeling an overly great feeling so the signals for you to know whether you're in a bad situation can both be overly great were really bad but something is off from what your body's used to so you're saying from like your normality because as you were describing it when it's off in a negative way I think instinctually you want to move away from it yes but the problem lies specifically with the loved one is that you feel the Euphoria and going to your point if you've either been in a toxic relationship before let's say You're really struggling your life I I'm never going to do that again and then you feel this beauty that has been brought to your life you're going to lean into it or if you've never felt this before and you're like oh my God this is what everyone's say this is love this is exactly what people have been telling me yes and so you just jump in with both feet I think that becomes way harder because it feels good it's almost like alcohol right if you've ever had like a sip of alcohol it feels good at least for me it's like I get giggly and so it's like sometimes it entices me to where you just have more alcohol but obviously it doesn't work so with the relationship Partners you're talking about the negative I can think of that being almost hopefully instantially people fulfill that like hang on a minute something's not right but it's the joy that it gives you that then becomes dangerous it can be very dangerous yes you can get into a relationship fall in love it could be healthy and you can feel that euphoric feeling for the first few months that's normal and that's why it's important to get to know people today as I was getting my hair done with Robert Ramos who's incredible he said something to me that really hit me he said I I got to a point in my life where I realized that I had to stop dating people's covers and actually open the book that's what I need to be dating open that book get to know it figure out whether this is really someone that I can be with and love and do life with what we do in that first three to six months even up to a year sometimes and more than that we're getting to know the cover and the cover isn't just who this person actually is it's also our projection of who we want that person to be who we've imagined our entire lives so if your entire life you waited for someone to come and love you and see you and celebrate you and go for drives with you and spend hours on the phone with you you're going to project that image onto them and if they reciprocate which someone who's looking to manipulate you will reciprocate because they mirror you they mirror what you say they mirror what you do if you say I'm very much into reading poetry or I'm very much into reading manga they'll say me too so they will mirror to you what they know you want and what they know you like so when you're dating the cover of that person you're dating the image they're projecting to you and the image you're projecting onto them and the only way for you to know whether this is real love or this is healthy love that's a better word to use will it stand the test of time are they always going to treat you as well as they're treating you right now there's a really powerful scene in the All Too Well music video the 10 minute version where right after showing the girl and the guy falling in love so deeply and things are going great they're having dinner with friends and the girl puts her hand on the guy's hand on the dinner table and he holds her hand and he flips it over and like basically is telling her I'm not gonna hold your hand during this dinner and the person listening to this or watching this who's been in a toxic or manipulative or abusive relationship will recognize a moment like this because now that person has shown you that who they are with you in private is a completely different person from who they are around other people what does that tell you they are not themselves with you they may also not be themselves with other people but they're able to put on that face and sure someone listening might say well maybe they're not comfortable maybe the guy wasn't comfortable with public displays of affection maybe that's what it is well did you have a conversation about it did they come up to you after and say you know I'm really not comfortable in front of these friends in particular one of them is going through a breakup or was it looked at as you're just overthinking it we were having dinner and I just didn't want to hold your hand but if you were holding my hand every single day and wherever we went in public when we were together and all of a sudden in a setting where people who know you are there and you know that if you held my hand the image they have of you is going to somehow change or be broken and you did that then you're telling me I'm not fully getting to know you I'm not fully in a relationship with you you're not showing me every part of you or the parts that I should know you're not showing me the real you so those are little signs when there's contradictions between who they are with you in private and when no one is there that knows them and who they are around the people who know them especially the people who've known them for a lot longer than you've known them because those people have witnessed them holy and fully you've known them for a few months you've known them for a year so trust that if someone is showing you a different side of them in front of people who've known them for a long time they are a different person than the one they're showing you they are sure people evolve in relationships sure someone might meet you and say she or he are holding me up to a really high standard and I love that they could be showing you the best version of themselves because they genuinely want to be that best version and that's great however don't sacrifice what you know you deserve in a relationship just because you're making excuses for them saying well maybe they were trying their best to be the best person they could be so when they stop and they take it out on you why is that your fault if they are the ones who promised themselves they wanted to be better and at one point they decided I'm not going to be better I I would rather relapse back into the person I was before why would they take it out on you and and start I'm going to use a word that we always use gaslighting you into thinking that something is wrong with your perception of reality I've heard people in relationships I'm not just talking about men or women everybody does it I've heard people in relationships tell their partner that's just all in your head like of course every relationship starts off great and it just gets to a point where it's it's not so great anymore because life gets real and some people listen to that and they believe it of course the euphoric feeling that you feel at the beginning is not going to last forever you're not always going to want to be all over each other or spend as much time together but if a relationship goes from being your safe haven from being the place where you feel loved and cared for and heard and like someone is actually paying attention to who you are and what you're going through and they're attentive to you if it goes from that to I can't even look at you when I'm talking to you you annoy me so much you bother me everything you say and do is wrong or I'm gonna invalidate you every chance I get or I'm gonna not encourage your dreams the way that I did when we first met or I'm gonna belittle the work that you do when you go from that healthy place or what you thought was a healthy place to the complete opposite that was never love because what turns into toxicity and manipulation and abuse was never love it was that from the beginning that's just a part of the process if you saw somebody on the street who cursed at you or who told you you're so dumb you're never gonna get to where you want to get or you're ugly or who do you think you are you would just look at them and say that person's mean and you go on with your day I'd give them the middle thing right yeah but someone who wants to manipulate you and someone who is toxic knows the only way for them to do that is to get your trust the only way for for them to do that is to get you to fall in love with them to admire them to depend on them in some way so it will take time for that to happen so the signs along the way pay attention to what your intuition is telling you pay attention to your body because your body remembers things that your mind needs some time to catch up on if your body tenses up and you don't know why trust that it's because something is happening that your body's not trusting your body's scared of it could be that you're remembering an abusive situation you saw in the past with your parents with your friends on TV and your body's like hold on this is happening and some people wait for evidence many people will resonate with this you're sitting with your partner a message comes on their screen they flip their phone over and immediately they go to the bathroom and they take their phone with them and they spend so much time you might get a gut feeling that tells you what's what's going on there something's off one of the biggest fallacies is that relationships shouldn't be work same we put time for and hard work into growing our careers or our business but love should just happen after 20 years of being married all stars were being willing to ask and answer hard questions I have a free downloadable PDF for you for a happy successful lasting love click the link below for free access to the most important questions you must ask your partner PDF they never do this or maybe they're cheating on me that's enough of a signal for you to pay attention to it you don't need to see messages on their phone for you to say I know with 100 certainty that something wrong is happening here if your partners never flip their phone over and they've never ever gone to the bathroom right after right after they got a text and spent an hour there that is a cause for concern doesn't mean that you can get to the conclusion on your own to say they're definitely cheating on me no but do you need to be 100 certain that someone is cheating on you for you to bring that up so yeah that's what I was going to ask you what do you actually then ask in that situation there are multiple things that you can go right oh maybe I'm feeling insecure right now why am I feeling insecure yes if you're looking and going hang on that behavior they've never done before if you've already built trust with that person that person has already like even in a healthy relationship I'm not even saying a toxic one my mind would first go to is it my birthday like maybe he's trying to like arrange a flat right like yes I would almost go to the positive side of what am I missing and not go oh hang on a minute he's definitely cheating and I need to prove it yeah so how do you start to pass that apart and and Without accusing to accusing somebody but to your point and I think this is maybe where you're going to go is like you don't necessarily have to wait for that physical evidence to then address it is that what you were not only do you not have to wait for the physical evidence to address it but you don't have to wait for the physical evidence to give yourself permission to feel your feelings if some something felt off in that moment don't allow your lack of evidence to override what your body's telling you it's very important because if you wait for evidence every single time then you're telling your body I don't trust you I trust evidence your body's been with you since the moment you took your first breath in this life your body knows what feels good what feels bad what feels wrong and what feels right so if that felt wrong I'm not saying jump to the conclusion that your partner is cheating but if you're feeling something inside of you that says hmm that's a really off Behavior tune into it and try to understand what is it bringing up for you because it could bring something up for you that has nothing to do with your relationship it could bring you back to moments in your past when you've been betrayed and maybe you didn't heal that and this is a call for you to heal it where yes you might say maybe it's because of my past that I'm doubting that my partner is being trustworthy or loyal to me but that means I need to tend to my past right so don't wait until you see a text message on your partner's phone for you to say well now I can feel what I felt in that moment no go through it because you are in a relationship with yourself after all aren't you so you could choose to bring it up you could choose to address it I would highly not recommend accusations because you don't have that evidence but don't wait for that evidence to feel your feelings this is how I would advise to bring something up like that if this is someone that you really trust and love but you can't shake that feeling off and you've tried your best to work through in your body I would sit with them and say I just want to let you know that when this happened it just felt so off from what you normally do that I just didn't know how to read it and I trust you and I trust our relationship but I felt like that just was really off from what you normally do and then see what they'll tell you your partner might say oh no it was it was uh your friend were planning your birthday party they might say oh no it was just a guy from work who was asking me a question that's very confidential to the company like they might give you an answer that takes that anxiety away and now you feel like wow I can have a conversation with this person I also must say that sometimes the person that you're with if they are manipulating you they might lie to you about that literally that was going to be my next thing yeah so just just notice how often is this happening what kinds of excuses are they giving you uh and and truly and I know this is controversial say this is someone you've been with for a year and you trust them and and you've decided we're together we we are loyal to each other we are committed we are in a monogamous relationship and something like this happens where it shakes your trust a little bit you just don't know how to read into it you bring it up to them and and they give you a valid response like it's someone from work or it's someone I used to know from the past and if it still doesn't feel right in your body do not deny the feeling do not ignore it because it could be your body telling you something is still off here so then what will happen is if this continues to happen where they're harboring behavior that where they're not being loyal to you that feeling is going to be become stronger and stronger and stronger I know someone listening is going to say but what if it's from my past relationships just being like being triggered from something that your past did where maybe that actual situation did lead to them cheating on you but this person it really was a confidential text from work that's why I said notice how often it happens and notice what excuses or responses they give you every single time notice if other new things happen like if other behaviors of theirs or habits change some people will say if my partner is constantly being shady with their phone then it's their responsibility to give me access to their phone so that I could know what's going on some people might say that some people might not agree with that I personally believe that every relationship is different I think it's it's going to be based on how willing the two of you are to help each other work through your triggers it might be great for your partner to tell you you know what I know that you need confirmation that every text I send or every conversation I have is not inappropriate I know it's because of your past I know you've gone through relationships where people have betrayed your trust and cheated on you and and been toxic with you I do believe that this is something that you need to work through and we're going to work through it together but I don't believe that the answer is for me to constantly show you that nothing wrong is happening I think you need to build that trust muscle so every once in a while I might give you my phone and say just for your ease of mind let's wean you off of this addiction to confirmation it's just like when you go on social media after you go through a breakup or while you're going through a relationship and you constantly need to check their social media to see whether they're with someone new or who they're with or there's something about getting that confirmation that they aren't happy with their life or they haven't moved on that's very addictive or wanting to know what a person is up to at all times that's very addictive but it really comes down to you are you're you're addicted to getting confirmation that what you want to be true is true so going back to the phone example your partner might say we want to heal this confirmation addiction of yours so would it be easy for me to give you my phone every day sure it would be but I want what's best for you I don't want you to constantly be walking on eggshells and thinking that I might be with someone else or thinking about someone else I don't think that's healthy so let's work through it together a couple might work through it that way so every situation is different what is toxic is when you bring up a concern to your partner and the whole issue turns about everything but what you brought up why are you raising your voice like that what calm down why are you talking to me like that what did something happen today and you're a day for you to be bringing this up right now like where is this coming from things we're great are you in your period are you on your period yeah um did you watch some videos on YouTube today that told you to look into something like this listen to the way that your partner listens to you listen to the way that they tune into you could it be that they are for example avoidant and they've been triggered and now they're getting defensive absolutely it could be that and I say this Lisa because I know people listening who are going through these kinds of relationships are making excuses and one of those excuses is well he is a voidant or she is avoidant and the moment that an issue is brought up their guards go up because their fear and avoidance for people who don't know their biggest fear is abandonment like you might think that an avoidant person somebody who tries to leave first isn't someone who's afraid of abandonment but the reason they run away is because they're afraid of someone running away from them so they want to protect themselves and run away first before that person runs away from them so you could say your partner is avoidant and they get very defensive every time that an issue comes up or maybe they get defensive because they had a childhood or an upbringing where their parents were constantly critical of them so they're very hypersensitive to criticism it could be that it could be that they don't know how to communicate with you they don't know how to listen to you but you know the difference between someone who's toxic and someone who's healthy is their willingness to talk to you about it and tell you this is what I'm struggling with I really want to hear you I really want us to have a healthy relationship I don't know how because the moment you walk into the room and tell me well earlier today I was talking to you and you didn't even look at me instead of my mind going to a place where I'm thinking back to what it was that I was doing at the time maybe I was really focused on something and my intention wasn't to ignore you or not look at you before I can even go there all I hear is someone's criticizing me and the way for me to protect myself is to put that guard up and to reject the criticism altogether um that's what gives you the person who's bringing up the issue the chance to say I wasn't criticizing you next time I bring up an issue to you I will be sure to start it off by saying I want to talk to you about something I'm not criticizing you I'm not shaming you I'm not trying to make you feel like you are a bad person this happened so I'm gonna help you so a partner who gets triggered to be defensive or to come across in our relationship as if they are toxic or manipulative just because they don't know how to communicate they will know how to communicate to you that they don't know how to communicate someone who's toxic is always going to say well it's your issue the fact that you're bringing up those issues is the problem because you're triggering me instead of them saying I get triggered and I need to work on this someone who's toxic and manipulative wants you to believe that you are the problem you having anything to bring up is a problem even you succeeding is a problem why because it could trigger them into feeling ashamed that they aren't where they want to be in life they want you to believe that you with your whole existence are the problem so stop making excuses when somebody in your life and this is somebody like a partner is a partner is someone that you are building a life with there's someone that even if it's for a year or two there's someone that you're building something with they are such a huge part of your life you could have a great career you could be making great money you could have great friendships you could have a great family relationship you could have a great Community around you if your intimate relationship is not good if it's toxic if it's manipulative it could bring all of that down because relationships with partners are the foundation for how we feel about ourselves being seen and heard and validated like for Who We Are that's not being needy when you request those things it's not asking for too much you weren't meant to be alone in this life are you responsible for dealing with your own emotions yes you are are you responsible for taking responsibility and accountability for everything that goes on in your life yes you are but the person that you spend your time with if they don't reflect that they see you fully then you are spending so much of your time feeling like you're looking at a mirror and you're seeing a completely different person you're seeing a shadow you're seeing all black all white you're seeing everything but yourself so if you're in a relationship that doesn't reflect to you I see who you are I love who you are I validate who you are I want to see who you are grow I listen to you I'm pay attention to you that could really break you because it Alters the way that you see yourself I know people are some people are listening and saying no a person that you're with should never have that kind of power I'd hate to break it to you but they do because they reflect to you and they replay and they bring up your earliest relationship which was with your parents you can never tell me that a person early on in their life doesn't depend on people we all do if we don't have people around us to take care of us we die there's it's it's a fact but just because I've gone to a certain age in life it doesn't mean that the closest relationship to me the closest person to me doesn't affect me of course they do you might not feel it if you're in a really good relationship but you sure as hell will feel it if you're in the wrong one this is another sign by the way if you go out into the world and the people who you interact with tell you something like you're such a good person that was really sweet of you and you get emotional you are in a relationship that's not right for you because it shouldn't you should not be that deprived of hearing words like that was really sweet of you that was nice you look beautiful today you're such a strong person you're so courageous if you never ever ever hear positive words being said to you by your partner to the point where you're out there someone opens the door for you someone does something really small and sweet for you and you get emotional you're in the wrong relationship wow that was I didn't expect you to say that that was really powerful and very true and it made me start to wonder is it a stacking effect like because I don't think right to your point that everything is just very eloquently broken down it's never just like one day they're amazing the next day they're completely manipulative or they become toxic sometimes it really can stack over time it does so the first year like oh my God maybe I've met the one right and so now you were invested in that relationship they do something like they dismiss you so let's say you then see them act in a weird way you bring it up they kind of dismiss it maybe it's not a big dismissal so you kind of Let It Go and over time you start to settle for the person they are becoming and then you recognize it feels like you blink but I refuse to ever believe you actually just blink and then all of a sudden the person is different it's that you've given these small um allowances if you will of just like it's fine it doesn't really matter right I'm back here where even when we began like well they're having a bad day and before you know it you may blink and find yourself in a relationship three years five years down the line and now it's eroded your your validation they've eroded your confidence but you didn't realize that it was happening yes so with those small signals I love that that's a beautiful way to identify then what do you actually then start to do about it because there's the I assume that multiple things you could talk to them about it you can just leave um but sometimes it's never that easy maybe you've got the investment maybe you have children maybe you've bought a house together maybe you are now enmeshed um financially or whatever [Applause] um if everything you've just said really resonates with someone what are those steps now that someone can actually start to take to either leave but I think that we can agree that accepting that behavior is only going to give the projection like the the foresight that it's never going to make you feel fulfilled yes the journey away from a toxic relationship is a journey back to yourself away from the toxic relationship toward yourself I had someone recently tell me they were talking to me about a relationship that they were in that they've been in for a long time they have kids they're married and this person decided I no longer want to be in this relationship and they told me I was talking to my friends and they said it's cheaper to keep her and you know what I said not on your soul right could be cheaper financially to stay with someone it could be more convenient to stay with someone because you have kids together and you don't want them to live in a family that's separated it could be because you have a house together and you have the same friend group and you're so afraid of that convenience being taken away but at what cost at your own Freedom your own Liberation your own sanity your soul yourself so you have to ask yourself what price am I willing to pay because it's not going to be an easy price I wish we could put a monetary value on that kind of pain when someone hurts you betrays you lies to you cheats on you manipulates you and erodes your sense of who you are you can't put a financial price on it I've had people tell me they can keep everything they want I just want to be done I don't care they can take the house they can take everything we've made together I just want my freedom my sanity I want to be able to come back to myself so that's a question you need to ask yourself what price are you willing to pay what does your soul need and what's the price on that are you willing to continue sacrificing just so that you could have those conveniences or I really want people to be compassionate with themselves because we rarely stay because we want to stay we stay because we're afraid of leaving we stay because we're afraid of what could happen after we leave we stay because we're afraid of facing truths about ourselves when we leave we stay because we are so terrified of having to look ourselves in the mirror and say you messed up you knew from the beginning this was the wrong person for you there was this sign in this sign and this sign remember when they did this and remember when they said that what did you do you stayed we're terrified of looking ourselves in the mirror and confronting all the times that we knew we should have paused said something paused did something paused decided to leave but decided to continue we're terrified of that why because we usually shame ourselves and my next book that's coming out next year by the way I said what is fueled by shame has to be sustained by shame and what's fueled by compassion has to be sustained by compassion so if you shame yourself into leaving that's what's guess what's going to continue happening afterwards you're going to shame yourself into staying out of that relationship if you deal with yourself with compassion and say I've been through so much I know I could have left a hundred times but I also know that in those moments I did not know that I had this much power I thought that that was the best I could do when you talk to yourself with that kind of compassion that you so badly want everyone in your life to talk to you with like when you hear someone telling you you've been through so much I don't know how you did it you're so patient you're a saint you need to be saying those things to yourself because that addiction or dependence on other people saying to us what we really need to say to ourselves Keeps Us dependent on others and we don't know if those others are good or bad for us but as long as we're depending on them it's like I'm taking a 50 50 chance this person might speak to me with compassion they might speak to me with shame but if I choose to speak to myself with compassion and walk myself out of this relationship hold my hand out the door as I'm walking out with compassion saying this is hard this is going to be hard for the next while but I trust that I can do it I trust that I can get through it look at everything I've gone through so far I lived through all of that why am I so afraid of living through the good times why am I so afraid of getting the love that I actually deserve why am I so afraid of being treated right those aren't things that are scary but because I've been so fixated on being scared of leaving this relationship and what might happen after my mind painted all the great things that could happen after I leave this as bad and scary but what are you scared of someone meeting you and helping you pick up the pieces someone meeting you someone can I be Devil's Advocate or someone not meeting you and helping you pick up yes the pieces someone not meeting you and helping you pick up the pieces but you meeting yourself and picking yourself up I don't know if people believe they have the strength to so in those situations so I'm literally just trying to play Devil's Advocates that we can really talk and don't want you to be yeah yeah like because there's the one thing in saying like but you can be strong to pick yourself up it's so freaking beautiful I love the self-empowerment and that but if you don't actually believe it that I think is then why people actually then stay because even like I've heard you say like you can't logic your way through the pain but I think so many of us try to yes right whereas well if I left then well I can't handle it on my own so bet like I hate this but better the devil I know is how I think some people feel because they don't know what's on the other side what if I do leave this relationship and then there's nobody and I think that you know your message is so freaking powerful and then believe in yourself but when you don't how do you actually then get started because and then in fact which comes first do you have to stop believing in yourself before you then speak up and make that change or do you just rip the Band-Aid off make the change go to your needs and then build yourself back up I've seen people do both of those things and everything in between I personally think that a person should walk at their own pace and leave a relationship at their own pace you will hear people telling you if you don't leave then you're asking for this then it's become your fault the moment you realize that you're in a bad relationship and you stay in it it's become your fault I do not believe in that at all because it's like that analogy of seeing a chicken dance at a circus on a hot plate do you think that they put that chicken on there where the plate is at the maximum heat that it could be at or do they start at a low heat gradually increase the tolerance so that that chicken that you're putting on there doesn't just immediately jump off and say no that's what happens with toxic relationships we are increasing your tolerance for the toxicity the manipulation the abuse that you can put up with over time so when you get to a point where you've realized wow this has been so bad for so long is you're not going to have a flip of a switch moment and say that's it I'm done I need to be out of this and this is not the time or place where logic will kick in for most people in an Ideal World the moment you know that something's wrong for you the moment that you know that someone has been treating you really badly you do leave but we don't live in an Ideal World and we are humans and we work through things we don't just wish something away and it's gone so picture the erosion that has been happening to you while you're in a toxic relationship over time picture yourself completely in color at first you know who you are or maybe you thought you knew who you were but you were not in the place that it's gone you too that color was fading over time until you got to a point where you don't know who you are you're living life in black and white you don't recognize yourself people who've gone through these kinds of relationships known they know that moment you look in the mirror and you're like this is not me or when you look at old pictures of yourself and you get sad because you miss the person that you were have you felt like that before I have I have yes and um I can tell you right now that the moment you recognize that you're in the wrong relationship usually isn't the moment that you walk away and that's okay like I want people listening to know that there's nothing that you're asking for we don't ask for people to treat us badly we don't ask for people to be toxic to us we don't ask for people to manipulate us and and take it away and let us fall and crash and crumble into a billion pieces we don't do that we ask for love we ask for Mutual happiness we ask for peace but we don't ask for that so picture the transition you've gone through from being in full color to having that color be taken away from you bit by bit where you got to a point where you don't recognize yourself and you know very well that the person that you've become has all the great and good and beautiful aspects of them Stripped Away the only way you can exist in this relationship or with this person is as this shell of a human that you've become so when you're there and you recognize oh I've been going through this entire process this gradual degradation of who I am and my sense of self-worth and reality like who who am I really and what world am I living in and do I have the ability to discern between what's right and wrong all of that has been Stripped Away From You bit by bit you tell me are you gonna be able in the moment that you recognize that to feel that you have the power to let go of it all in that moment it's gonna take time for it to sit in because you're going to as somebody who has been trained for this long period of time to question yourself you're gonna question this reality right now that's telling you wow they've been stripping away at me this whole time they're gonna question yourself and you're going to look for more proof that that's what they're doing you're gonna do research and you're gonna listen to people who've gone through something like this and you might go see a therapist who helps you with it if this has been your normal this whole time for however many years or months but for most people in toxic relationships it is years sometimes it's decades if your normal has been you need to explain your intentions before you say anything so that you can have permission to speak like when you started being in a relationship with this person you could express yourself fully but you've gotten to a point where you need to see what kind of mood they're in you know am I gonna be able to say this to them and how are they feeling right now and like you're walking on eggshells now and if I bring this up is it going to make things safer for me or more dangerous for me so going from being able to fully express yourself without having those worries or concerns to a point where now you're explaining every single thing that you do you're walking on eggshells you're making excuses all the time if that's been your normal it's going to take a while for you to get used to a new normal that says you don't need to explain yourself every single time you don't need to sense what my mood or attitude is or how my day has been you can express yourself you can talk to me because I'm never going to put my respect for you beneath what I'm going through there are Basics to our relationship respect Mutual understanding a mutual commitment to work on this relationship when those things are not there then the relationship is lopsided it's all about the other person's needs ask yourself what is your purpose of being in a relationship really really what is your purpose of being in a relationship are you in one because or have you stayed because Society tells you if you're an honor in a relationship something's wrong with you is it because your parents pushed you to get married is it because you're afraid that all of your friends who are married and in good relationships from what you see are gonna be like why are they not in a relationship anymore ask yourself what is your purpose of being in a relationship what is it I've had you talk about in trying to make sense of a lot of things sometimes we then miss the actual thing that's happening or miss the actual um the need that this has so maybe that is for you to walk away so what because as you're breaking it down right it's like you need to make sense of it you need to kind of identify what is happening but sometimes in identifying and making sense of that situation you're sometimes making an excuse um so how do you ask yourself that question what is it that you're looking in a relationship without forcing it into making sense of why you're in that toxic relationship um I think it's important to ask yourself what the purpose of being in a relationship is and be honest with yourself about the level of dependence on others for your happiness and joy and success in life like be honest with yourself about what that is because say your purpose of being in a relationship is Financial Security then if that's the most important thing guess what you're going to overlook so many other things if you are interested in leading a happy healthy life for yourself and being with someone who Honors that about you and who also wants to lead their own happy healthy life and the two of you are walking along the same path and guiding each other in a way and supporting each other in a way if that's the most important thing to you you will not stand to be in a toxic relationship because that's the complete opposite of what it stands for that's why I would say ask yourself that question and be honest about whether this is right or ethical for you as a human to expect and whether it's right and ethical for you as a human to strip away the power that you have by saying my purpose of being in a relationship is for someone to take care of me and for those who depend on their partner for Financial Security I don't want them to feel like I'm trying to shame them that's not what I'm doing at all saying if your purpose of being in a relationship is just for you to have the house and the money and not have to work and you want somebody else to be bringing all of that for you then that is going to Trump everything else in that relationship it's the truth it's the reality so if you have that kind of thinking if you're coming from that place I want you to tune in and ask yourself why it can't be you that provides that for yourself why it can't be you that works toward a point where you don't have to accept all the bad things just because you get that one thing that you want right so it let's say someone listening I'm going to go back to your question ask themselves why am I looking to be in a relationship what's my intention of being in a relationship and they're fully aware that they're in a toxic one they're fully aware that they're in one where it just doesn't feel good but they say well I would like to be in our relationship because I like having someone to spend every night with this person checks this box they spend every night with me I'd like to I like being in a relationship because or my purpose of being in a relationship is to have someone to travel with and and go and visit friends with and have fun with them this person checks this box for me you know they're toxic but they check this box my purpose of being in a relationship is so that I don't have to deal with the relationships with my family and with my friends because those aren't good for me so it's good for me to be part of something that's more solid like it's a real relationship where we're working together and and this person checks that box like you could be more gravitated towards them because they're they're saving you from all these other bad relationships that have existed in your life my purpose of being in a relationship is to not live the same way I lived my entire life maybe all the people in my life and my past were really toxic really really toxic this person is a little bit less toxic so they're better check so you're using that list of what's my purpose of being a relationship to solidify for yourself and validate that this is the person that I'm going for this is the person that I'm with I've done that if anything that should be confirmation for you that your expectations are a way too low because wanting someone to spend time with every day easy wanting someone to travel with easy wanting someone to go and spend time with friends with easy wanting someone to put on that show an image of we have a house together we got married we have kids easy you can do that with anyone you know what you can't do with anyone is that evening that you're spending with them for it to have connection and love and vulnerability and talking about issues without being afraid that if I bring up an issue this relationship might end I might be treated badly I might be gaslighted what's hard is traveling with someone and actually growing as a person and enjoying those travels and sharing moments with that person as you're traveling with them it's easy to build a house with someone it's hard to build a home with someone for the two of you where the two of you feel like you are an integral part of that home where the two of you make choices together decisions together where the two of you feel like you are seen and heard and yes you make compromises but you never feel like the relationship is lopsided there's one person in control and I just follow or lead or submit that's hard it's really easy to have someone fill a void for you there's eight billion people on this planet there's always going to be someone who's willing to fill that void for you because they will gain something from you in that in that Pursuit what's really really really hard is to have someone add to your life is to have someone sit with you in your darkest moments when you're dealing with all those other relationships with family and friends and when you're dealing with all these people who've taken advantage of you and you're trying to heal from all of that and that person looks at you and says we're going to get through this you don't deserve to be treated that way but you see when you're in a toxic relationship if they treat you a little tiny bit better than everyone else who's treated you really badly you see that as well at least they don't do this at least they don't do that that's easy to find though if if all you're used to is being treated like you're a side piece or you're on the margins of their life you just you add a little bit but you're not in the center you're not a main character then someone moving you from the margin to like a highlighted little section in the book is gonna feel so great because you're not on the margin anymore she deserve to be in that entire book that's why I said if your purpose of being in a relationship let's say you are in a toxic relationship and your purpose of being in a relationship the answers that you give align with the relationship that you're in your expectations are a way too low and that very well could be because you have not realized what your worth really is you could know it on a logical level I'm gonna get emotional again but to know your worth is very different from living through your worth when you don't feel like you have the power to live through your worth or you have permission to live through your worth you're going to relapse back to the version of you that didn't know their worth because you know how to live that way if you haven't lived fully in that expansion of your worth like for anyone who's listening if you want a practical way to be able to visualize this when you live through your worth you're living an expansion you feel like you could project yourself into the world around you and explode in beautiful ways and be yourself and project yourself and say Your Truth when you're living not through your worth when you're living through what toxicity has led you to believe your worth is you're living in constriction that's why sometimes you hear people saying things like I feel like I can't breathe I feel like someone's sitting on my chest and the moment they break through and decide I'm gonna live by the worth that I know as long as you know your worth and don't live by it you feel like you're suffocating because at every instance where you are being prompted to live through your worth you are curbing that because you're like I don't know how to live that way but I know I should so you feel like you are caging yourself you're living in constriction so something's sitting on your chest and you know what's sitting on your chest the truth the truth that's telling you you deserve so much more than this it's suffocating you so the moment you start living through your worth start expanding imagine you see those visuals all the time with a person's head and there's flowers growing everywhere that's the expansion that's living through your truth that's being creative because you feel safe in being yourself therefore you feel safe projecting yourself expressing yourself into the world when you're in a toxic relationship that does not see you you are foreign to being seen by others that's why you get so emotional you're like really I am that great that person sees me that way because the person I spend 90 of my time with sees me as a ghost that's Foundation of having a really strong relationship where like I said the basics of human decency and respect and mutual care and attentiveness and being attuned you have a little puppy you do if she's in a little bit of stress you could be doing anything I bet you anything the moment you sense she's in a little bit of stress her head goes to her a thousand what am I gonna do what can I do to help her feel better and right that's the Attunement in relationships that we need where when you're going through a tough time you know that the person that you are with every single day is going to pay attention and say they don't and you bring it up to them then they pay attention because I know some people are going to say well they can't be attuned to you all the time okay but then what about when you ask them you say I'm having a rough day do they sit with you and invalidate that for you when you're having a great day and you come to them to talk about it do they celebrate you or do they tell you good for you in a way that says what does that have to do with me like imagine being in that kind of relationship and trying to grow and expand if 90 of your life your day-to-day life because when you say to someone I want to spend the rest of my life with you you better be willing to spend every single day with them you might have an off day you might be going through something rough but one thing that for sure is clear is that I will never allow this bad day this bad period of time to make me treat you like you don't exist like you are not human or less than human or like you just existing around me is a problem that's what toxic relationships do so if you're spending yourself if you're spending your time ninety percent of your time in an environment like this be realistic for the ten percent of the time that you're out in the world and you're focusing on your career and you're focusing on your friends and relationships and Community do you really think that you will with ease switch out of the person you've become in that 90 percent and be this strong Brave confident person outside of that nope your relationships your intimate relationships are one of if not the most important decision continuing decision that you make in your life because it can it can accelerate that growth of yours and it can Crush you into a little tiny piece of you that says as long as I'm this small I'm safe the moment I try to get bigger or to expand to express myself be creative be confident um believe in myself then I become in an environment that's not safe for me so this is the safest thing for me so pay attention are you in a place that is helping you and encouraging you to grow and Blossom and expand or are you are you in a place that is constantly telling you if you don't go this way you're not going to be safe yeah God homie that was so freaking fire oh my God I'm trying to hold all my thoughts in my head I was like oh God it was so good um so there's a couple of things that I really want to touch on when you close yourself off um it does become that protective mechanism right and so let's say you've been doing it 90 of the time now because you've grown into this relationship where you've had to be protective when you decide to leave that closing off can can feel good it could I'm never going to have this happen to me again oh yeah right and so as you start to build your confidence yeah that's actually the other thing is that so many like 99.9999 of women who message me DM me write in the YouTube comments like I read it all guys um it's usually like it's not my confidence I used to be so confident and I met somebody or I got in this relationship and now I've just lost it I don't know how to feel good about myself again and so to your point of you close off that becomes a protective mechanism that you then use when if you leave that relationship you've gone oh well this actually helped me this helped me feel strong and now you lean in to being closed off because that closed off makes you believe that I'm never gonna fall for this again all this manipulated behavior that I put up with for all this freaking time to build my car I'm never going to have it again yes and now you're going to another relationship with this very closed off attitude because and I understand why we do it right because we go this is like the empowerment in just even me saying oh you can see me like getting all excited they're like this will never happen Okay that feels freaking great but how does that then impact that next relationship that potentially you're walking into if that's your goal um when you've experienced this but you've exposed it as a plus as a good thing as a this has helped me build my confidence to leave this toxic relationship before I get to that part I just want to say when someone tells you I feel like my confidence has been knocked down it's literally because of this because you are in a relationship that was on a very shaky Foundation what would happen to this house to this studio if it was on a shaky Foundation you and I couldn't even be looking at each other with stability we are so focused on making sure that we're safe right that's what happens when you're in a relationship that has a shaky foundation so it feels like there's an erosion that knocks you over because that Foundation was never there so for people who are wondering how could it have been that I had everything going on great in my life but this relationship knocked my confidence down or knocked me to my knees it's because you were on something that was very shaky and it instead of you being focused on growing and expanding or focused on staying safe standing still not being hurt that's it so to move on to the next part of your question you know how after you leave a job some companies will do an exit interview where they will ask you if you decided to leave why you left and what they could do better and what the problems were you need to do an exit interview with yourself when you leave a relationship to understand why it is that you stayed for as long as you did why you decided to leave and not make sure when you're answering this question that you're not just focused on what you're running away from I decided to leave because this person lied to me all the time I decided to leave because this person manipulated me they eroded my self-esteem they never supported me great answers but also there's a second part to that question why are you leaving this relationship because I want to live in a place where people don't lie to me where people tell me the truth because I want to be in a relationship with myself and with others where we are truthful and vulnerable and honest and open so talk about what you want what you're looking forward to I'm leaving this relationship because these are the things I want so don't just focus on what you're avoiding because what happens when you're focused on what you're avoiding is exactly what you're avoiding it comes because that's where your energy and attention is going you're trying so hard to avoid being in another toxic relationship you most likely are going to get into one because a person who is toxic knows they know what kind of validation they need to give someone to make sure that they get them in their hooks whereas a healthy person might not come in and put up with every little thing that you put out there where you're coming from a place of I just really need to make sure that this person isn't toxic so you might drill them with questions you might constantly ask them for reassurance or validation very early on and a person who is toxic or likely going to be toxic towards you will put up with all of that because their end goal is to be with you and yes someone who loves you and sees you for who you are will also be willing to put up with all of that but again a person who just met you doesn't know you so they don't know what they're willing to put on the line to have you if they just met you and they're putting up with every red flag that you're putting out there that's a red flag because a healthy person will stop you and say hold on we've known each other for two weeks we've known each other for a month why do I have to share my location with you why do I have to constantly text you about who I'm hanging out with and what I'm doing so pay attention to what kind of energy you're putting out there once you start getting into new relationships if your whole intention is to not get into another toxic relationship that's gonna guide everything you do it's going to guide all the questions you ask all the statements that you put out there you might tell someone that you just met that you've never been in a bad relationship before because you know what some dating advice out there says never ever and they say this about men but I'm gonna say this in general because I I don't like that kind of advice don't tell a new person that you're with that you've been abused in another relationship if you've been abused don't tell what because then that tells them what they can get away with so a person who's giving you that advice what is their intention God I actually see that point though like it's it's like again I'm just trying to be honest and play Devil's Advocate on that like you're kind of telling someone your weakness up front think about this so do you think that that's you should or you shouldn't tell them about your past relationship I think you should tell them about your past relationships just not on day one yeah maybe not even on day 90 100 200. but if you've been through a toxic relationship in your past and you are now building a relationship with someone new it is important for you to be able to talk about your triggers to talk about the things in the past that have hurt you and I know it's scary I know it's very scary to do that because you're right the the wrong person the toxic person the manipulator will say oh she's been through hell that means I can pull her through that he's been through hell that means I can put him through that so my advice is don't be an open book from day one think earlier when we said don't date people's covers date the whole book you can't read a book in a day I mean you can but you can't read a person in a day you can't learn about them in their past their triggers their you know weaknesses and strengths and vulnerability you can't learn that right away and be 100 certain that that is the truth of who they are they if they only gave you a snapshot of their life on that one day they could have used ink that disappears in a day or two you know they have the ability to put on that show for you so take your time to get to know this person feel whether you can feel safe with them and telling them everything about you what scares you what you've been through and let me tell you something there are people who are great at putting on a show to make you believe they are healthy they are safe they are not toxic they get you to a point where you open up to them about everything you trust them with everything and that's when they betray you and I want to tell anyone who's listening that is not your fault that is not an indication that something is wrong with you with your perception of reality with your ability to tell whether someone is manipulative or not if anything that's an indication of you being someone who when you say something you mean it when you open up to someone about something you are actually looking for connection it means that you are someone who is truthful and honest and looking to really connect with someone and bond with them and learn about them and have them learn about you what does it say about the person who betrayed you after they worked so hard to get your trust look at that reality look at that truth what does it say about them what up homie I got something free and new to share with you right now how often are you visited by that negative voice in your head telling you that you're not smart enough that you're not good enough experienced enough not fill in the blank one of the most powerful things you can learn to do in life is to turn that negative voice into your bestie and I want to teach you how to do that and so much more in my four steps to becoming confidence workshop and guys the most amazing thing is you can actually register for completely free for this Workshop so click the link on your screen and I'll see you on the inside you asked me a question earlier about how we're able to once we recognize that we are in a toxic relationship or we are being manipulated to walk away like what are the steps after the recognition tuning into your body how do I feel when I'm around this person and that's gonna clash with how you used to feel when you were a run I used to feel loved I used to feel you know held and cared for and now I feel like I'm always on edge I'm always ready to protect myself or to fight or I just I don't feel good about myself when I'm around them so once you go through all of that and you feel what's going on when it comes to them and balls so when it comes to you am I living in expansion am I living in constriction there comes a point where you have to look at reality the way that it is you have to look at them and their actions the way that they are this person lied to me there is no excuse in the world for lying this person manipulated me there is no excuse in the world for manipulating someone you have to stop saying they lied to me but no they lied to me and if I'm gonna rebuild a relationship with someone after they lied to me guess what they're going to have to do they're going to have to admit that lie they're going to have to explain to me why they lied not that it's gonna take away from the pain that they lied they're going to have to tell me that they know and can feel how much pain that has caused they're going to have to promise me that this will never happen again so for those listening who are saying well people lie sometimes and okay well for the relationship to continue there has to be that repair if that repair doesn't happen then now it's become normalized that this person will lie to me I will make an excuse for them I'll deal with the pain and feel like I'm on a shaky Foundation because now I don't know what to trust I don't know if they're going to be truthful with me tomorrow or the day after right so you have to see the truth for what it is and you have to separate it from being a cause and effect they lied to me because I'm naive no they lied to you because they chose to lie they lied to me because I was willing to listen to them in the past when they lied and I was able to make an excuse no they lied to you because they chose to lie to you they lied to you because they sat with themselves at some point and decided that this is their best way to move forward could they have lied because they were afraid of what the truth will do to your relationship absolutely but that does not negate the fact that the lie was wrong because someone that you're building a relationship or a life with they should be able to open up to you about their fears and say I did this thing or I said this thing that I shouldn't have said and I was going to lie to you about it because I'm so afraid about what it's going to do but I really need to be honest with you and I'm so sorry shouldn't have done I shouldn't have said that you you see the difference between that healthy dialogue versus I'm not even going to give you the validation that me lying was a mistake I'm just gonna let you sit in that corner by yourself and either make an excuse for me or blame yourself but I'm I'm not going to give you that yeah I lied but I'm not going to give you that I don't want to deal with it or like you said earlier where they'll just blame you so well I lied because you did blah blah I told you the truth this is how you were gonna react yeah yeah normally fly off the hand or yeah and so remember last time you were crying for 10 hours so I just lied to avoid you getting hurt it's like when someone tells you yeah I cheated on you but I didn't want to tell you because if I told you I knew that it would really hurt you it's like well if you didn't want to hurt me you shouldn't have changed in the first place yeah you know but again things happen and people make mistakes in relationships there are repairs that could happen but the repair should never be one that is only led by the person who's hurt the person who caused the hurt has to take an active role in mending what broke if they're refusing to take an active role in mending what they broke that's not the person for you it's like they're telling you I'm gonna throw poison at you and I'm not gonna take you to the hospital I'm not gonna help you put the cream that you need to heal I'm not gonna no I'm just gonna throw poison at you and let you just deal with it do you see yeah a difference so when somebody spills that metaphorical Poison by lying to you or deceiving you or manipulating your cheating on you or speaking badly about you behind your back backstabbing you if they turn it around to say well I said this because you were just acting in in a way where I just I was fuming and I just I said it I didn't mean it obviously or if they say well you've said this and you've done that and you know very well that the things you've said and done do not amount to how bad that disrespect was but they will divert from the issue at hand at any cost to make you feel like what happened wasn't bad enough it even if it was bad enough it's not worthy of being spoken about I always say to this to people I say if if if they're telling you that what they put you through wasn't that bad but they're telling you yeah I did put you through that but what the hell people go through worse things at least I didn't cheat on you at least I didn't you know okay well if it wasn't that bad why can't I talk about it you're telling me it's not that bad so why does it hurt you that I talk about it are you just telling me that it wasn't that bad so that I don't feel validated in talking about it right so pay attention to how this person when they do make a mistake because if you're trying to differentiate between someone who's toxic and someone who's just human and they've made mistakes are they admitting are they communicating are they actively playing a role in healing mending what they broke or are they not so once you've we're going back to those steps and the things that you should do to heal from a toxic relationship and to never say to yourself never again will I open up to someone if you allow what someone put you through if you allow the pain that they put you through to say I'm never again opening up to someone else because if I do then they might hurt me the same way that's that person hurt me in the past I'm not gonna say you're giving them power I'm not gonna say you're giving them more power than you're giving yourself I'm gonna say you are missing out on the huge majority of people that is honest truthful vulnerable wanting to build a healthy relationship you are missing out On Believing in others but also on believing in your ability to trust yourself this time and to guide yourself this time and to lead yourself this time because when you say never again will I open up this much where I'm allowing someone to hurt me it's like the CEO of a company saying I'm gonna sit in my office close the door no one can come in and talk to me no one can come in and bring grievances to me I'm just gonna sit here and do my own thing well what happens to your company when you do that there's a huge disconnect between you and the people who are working with you because they don't feel that togetherness so when you Shield yourself in that way you don't feel that togetherness with yourself you're actually telling yourself I don't trust you I don't trust in your ability to discern between a person who's good or bad for you I don't trust in your ability to walk away from a situation when it presents itself as a bad one I don't trust in your ability to make the right decisions for yourself that's what you're telling yourself so you're missing out on a beautiful relationship with yourself and you're missing out on beautiful relationships with others however I I must say you must thank the part of you that says never again because that part is trying to protect I'm getting emotional again I get emotional at the most awkward places that part of you that's saying never again is trying to protect you from the pain you felt in the past can I ask you why are you kidding because I've been through a point where I blamed myself for the bad things that happened to me and talk to myself in a way where I said well you went through this because you opened up and because you were vulnerable and because you didn't protect yourself we all do it in moments of weakness but I was being really really hard on myself and that thought crossed my mind where I said never again I just won't do that anymore I want to be the strong confident me that I know but if I remove the part of me that's vulnerable that's not part of the strong confident me it's just not me the vulnerability is what makes me strong it's what makes me confident because I have to separate between my willingness to open up and be vulnerable and be honest and someone else's choice to say I'm going to take advantage of that so when I said to myself never again I was coming from a place of shaming myself and feeling like this was all my fault and through therapy and speaking to people who really really know me and really care about me I realized that when I shame myself because my logic isn't getting translated into my actions like what I know is the truth isn't translated into my actions that's not an indication that something inside of me is broken it's an indication that the resources that I have don't Empower me enough to live by what I know remember the 90 percent versus ten percent if you're spending ninety percent of your time around a resourceless environment that constantly breaks you while the ten percent can only do so much because you're going back to that 90 percent and being broken and degraded and all of that so I had to instead of Shame myself say I don't have the right resources around me I haven't fully healed from my past traumas I from my abandonment wound and when you spend a lot of time around people who trigger that abandonment wound and make you feel like if you bring up an issue I'm going to leave you that wound is constantly triggered like you are scratching it before you give it a chance to heal and that's what I was doing so I had to speak to myself with compassion and say there's nothing wrong with you you are in the wrong place there's nothing wrong with you being open and vulnerable because imagine what that would have done with the right person like that would have been so beautiful you have the right seeds you just planted them in the wrong environment but you can plant them somewhere else so to say never again will I open up to someone else the part of you that's saying that is the part of you that lived through the pain of opening up and being hurt and it lived with you through all of that and it wants to protect you from that pain so the reason I said you need to thank that part of you that says never again is to soothe it and tell it I know you're trying to protect me and I'm really grateful that you are but here's the thing you can trust me you can trust that when I get into another situation that starts to resemble the one that I was in in the past that caused me so much pain this time I will put an end to it this time I will address it differently you have to trust me it's that togetherness I was talking about if you're the CEO and there's one employee called never again that's in charge of the Department of opening up and being vulnerable with people and and that employee is saying we're not changing our strategy never again you're you're the CEO in in your office and you never communicate with that well that never again department is going to continue to work the same way what would happen if you went down to it and if you went and talked to that employee and said thank you for all the work you've been doing I know you're trying to protect this company I know you're trying to protect us but I need you to trust that the place where we can be open and can be vulnerable and can take risks and can try new things will bring so much into our company the company of me you know it will bring so much value and add so much value and I give you my word the moment we sense that we are in danger we will not go down the same path that led us to that pain that you are trying to protect us from do you see the difference and even if you do because I think also that happens where sometimes you've done all the work you've done everything you're saying and then you find yourself again in that like you know downward spiral if you will or in that same repetitive relationship just with a different person with a different face right to then repeat everything you're doing right because again if you've done the 90 and you've you know you shut off 90 of yourself and you just have the 10 and then you go into another relationship let's say you've worked back 20 so now you're 30 right but then you have that same thing you end up with like 0.3 of your own self and so making sure that you don't that you keep doing this work that you're saying don't ever get to the point where you're like never again period full stop you're like you're gonna keep that department inside of you it's gonna be there there's always going to be that voice that tells you you need to protect yourself self and what I'm saying is you need to thank the parts of you that try to protect you because those are the parts that when you are in the wrong relationship they're gonna step in and tell you it's time for us to leave you need those parts but don't hate them and then love them whenever it is that you need them you need to honor that they are always going to be there they're always going to try to protect you and should you get into a second third fourth bad relationship you need to make sure that you focus on the progress that you've made because we forget that we forget that we are humans who are on this like upwards trajectory of trying to get to a better place for ourselves so for those who are in toxic relationships they might always look at the progress as zero as long as they're in the relationship they're like I'm still in it so I haven't progressed clearly but that's not true because maybe today you are stronger than you were three months ago maybe today you are expressing yourself in a way where three months ago you were way too afraid to express that so focus on the progress and tell that part of you that says never again will I open up we've learned so much this is this is a new version we're going to continuously work on becoming more able to discern between who's good for us and who's bad for us and who we can open up to and who we shouldn't open up to we're gonna keep getting good at that until we get to a point where or with the right person or until we get to a point where we say I'm not I'm not interested in being inside with someone right now I would like to just be with myself but I'm not going to just be with myself out of fear of what being with other people will do it has to be that full choice of this is what I've chosen for myself I'm not just doing it out of of wanting to protect myself from x y and z just like when someone makes a decision that they do not want to have children many people do that because they're afraid of the responsibility of children or they're afraid of being tied to someone for the rest of their lives and those fears are valid deal with them there's a difference between saying no I I don't want children for myself because I actually don't want to have children there's a big difference between what's guiding you and leading you is it fear or is it genuine conviction in what it is that you want so when you choose to be single make sure that you are aware what the reason is if the reason is that you are afraid of being in a relationship give yourself a time frame where you're allowed to live and operate from that place of fear and after that you're going to challenge yourself to let go of the fear because if it's fear of getting into a relationship trust me that fear translates into other aspects of your life it's not just relationships so you need to work on yourself as a whole dude I love that and then as part of that process I think forgiving yourself is such a huge one because going back to the never again right if you then take a chance and it ends up being where someone maybe um you know deceives you or whatever you start to go into that spiral again and then forgiving yourself without a Grace because the amount of women also that message me that say like Lisa I like I can't believe I'm back here again I'm so stupid when they start calling them shaming themselves forgetting themselves back even if it's the third time because that's what people were like I can't believe after the second time I thought I was done the third time I'm so stupid but in order for you to get to the other side you do have to do that process of just forgiving yourself with Grace and I think you say there earlier but like instead of seeking Perfection seek progress so like with this time my partner was only um you know crossed my boundaries four times and once upon a time they would have crossed my boundaries 44 times like having the grace to say but I've got them better yes and then giving yourself the grace to give yourself absolute permission to forgive yourself for the decisions and the way that you showed up self-forgiveness is huge it's it's part of that self-compassion where and compassion is made of two parts empathy and the willingness to help so when you have compassion for someone not only do you feel with them but you want to do something to help them we have compassion towards yourself not only do you feel with yourself but you also want to do something to help yourself and in big part that's forgiving yourself because if you don't forgive yourself and you focus on all the wrongs that you've made and you say I can't believe I went back like it must be that I'm asking for it or that something inside of me is broken maybe you're sense of what you deserve needs some work right sure I'll give you that but to be so hard on yourself and say the reason I came back is that something is wrong with me when as you're saying this you are fully aware that this person is wrong for you that this person doesn't treat you right that on its own is progress because the last time you left you weren't aware of fifty percent of what you're aware of right now all the wrong things and the bad things and maybe the first time it took you a year to leave and now it took you three months to leave so forgive yourself not only for what you didn't know back when you acted or back when you made a decision but also forgive yourself for Being Human forgive yourself for wanting to give something another try and believing that this person could change forgive yourself for having a genuine belief that this could get better and that forgiveness isn't the type where you say I 100 made a mistake it's the type where you say I I wasn't one thousand percent sure that I was making a mistake I there was a part of me that was seeking connection there was a part of me that was seeking really changing this relationship around you know I saw somebody talk about how they were in a relationship with someone for 10 years and it was really toxic and they broke up for six months and that person really changed and now they've been together for 10 years since then and it's been amazing and I thought maybe that could happen in my case like be honest with yourself about what it is that took you back but it's never going to be what took me back was I wanted to make a mistake that's not the case it's there was something inside of you that showed you a glimmer of hope or you felt this strong dependence on this person that on its own shows you your wounds takes you back to your traumas and I've done a lot of this work sometimes you have trauma responses in your body that are trapped like from betrayal from abandonment where you didn't fully feel what that betrayal did to you at the time what that lie did to you at the time so it stuck somewhere inside of you and it's crystallized in a way where if someone betrays me I will stay because in the past when someone betrayed me I stayed and so for you to allow that betrayal response that lie response manipulation response to be released you have to make a different decision with the person that is now betraying you have to and that's that's difficult for people to imagine because they don't think that they could survive past leaving when the person betrays them they don't think they can survive past it because their past has shown them unconditional loyalty to the person that you're with doesn't matter what they do to you stay because if you leave that's terrifying where are you gonna go what if you end up with someone worse because you're always focused on the worst case scenario you block the part of your mind I imagine it as a maze right life is this big there's a big maze but when you're in a toxic relationship and you have those past traumas of betrayal that have told you unconditional loyalty is the only way that you'll stay safe you stay no matter what they do to you you've blocked off all the parts of that Maze of where your life could be that are positive that you're always going to the worst case scenario if I leave I have nowhere to go if I leave nobody's gonna believe me if I leave No One's Gonna support me if I leave I will never be able to support myself then there's other that other part if I leave I can rebuild myself I leave I can get my sanity back if I leave I can you've blocked out all that good part and only focused on the bad part and that on its own is a trauma response I highly encourage everybody who's listening to look into what trauma and trapped trauma in your body can do to you when it comes to staying in toxic relationships it's rarely ever about this one person in particular sometimes you go back you feel that pull not because of that person physically not because of what they look like what they've done for you but because they represent a part of your past that you felt you couldn't live without so you feel that pull and even as you're driving toward their house or toward toward the house that you two were living in when you're going back even if you have that sinking feeling that's telling you you're making a mistake you've gone back two three times but you still physically you're you're driving there that is because there's a part in your past that is so afraid of what's going to happen in your life when you fully put an end and never go back that's the part that's pulling you back but here's the progress you recognize this you recognize it so now try to spend more time when you're in that environment around that person instead of shaming yourself and saying this is that it's my fault like they showed me who they are and I've gone back three four times it's my fault instead of saying that tell yourself I recently learned that my dependence on this person is something that's so much bigger than just this person I recently learned that from the things I witnessed in my childhood with my parents or in my adult relationships I learned to be scared of what the ending of one relationship tells me about the ending of myself like this one little ending that says this relationship is no longer could lead me to a bigger ending that says you don't deserve to be in a relationship you don't deserve true love so I recognize that now and that's great so now instead of spending 90 percent of the time that I was around them being fully fixated on what are they doing what are they feeling are they cheating on me are they lying to me are they this are they that I'm gonna gradually lessen that time to instead of being so consumed by them and in their Direction I'm gonna be so consumed by myself and in my direction when I feel like they're lying instead of outwardly starting to project and say you've done this so many times if they've shown you that's what they do your words are not going to do anything you're reacting you're you're your emotional response is not going to do anything if anything it's going to dig a deeper hole of Shame for you because you're going to say why not why did I even say all of that they've done this so many times so instead of doing that you come back into your body and say what does it feel to know that someone is lying to me and trust me when you start asking your body what's going on inside it's going to guide you to what you need to do when your body's been on autopilot normalizing this relationship normalizing the toxicity normalizing the manipulation it's on autopilot it knows it doesn't matter if they lie to her or to him or whoever's listening doesn't matter if they lie to you we know that you're staying it doesn't matter if they manipulate you we know that you're going to have this kind of reaction it doesn't matter if your body is has been taught by you that it doesn't matter what you go through the response that you have is never going to be to come and ask what your body is it's always going to be to react and try to change that other person or try to change the environment the moment your body knows that you are entrusting it with leading you it's going to say we've been waiting we've been waiting for you to ask us how it feels to have someone lie to us because you know what when you feel over and over how off it is and how tense your body is and how you can't sleep and how you you're you're you're you're you're you're clenching and your hands are going to visit when you are constantly aware of that over and over and over you're gonna start to recognize environments where you feel at ease where you feel fully seen and heard and you're gonna say I don't want my body to feel this way anymore but as long as you're on autopilot your body knows you don't care about what it's going through and that doesn't mean you don't care about yourself I'm not saying shame yourself at all I'm just saying open your eyes up to this entire being that's with you that's waiting for you to trust it with leading you that's waiting for you to trust it when it tells you you don't deserve someone lying to you you don't deserve someone deceiving you you don't deserve someone pretending to be someone that they're not you deserve so much more when you're not listening to it you're listening to that person so gradually decrease the time that you are listening to that person gradually will gradually decrease the time that you are believing everything that person is telling you start to combat their truths that they're projecting to you with your truth like Let Your Truth have a seat at the table when they tell you why are you raising your voice when you're bringing up a real issue maybe in the past your response was I'm so sorry I didn't realize I was doing that but this time your response is I'm not raising my voice and I recognize that you're diverting from the topic we're talking about why because now you're back in your truth your truth is telling you we I didn't raise my voice I'm just telling the truth and I know what happened so you start to believe in yourself more by believing that you have the right to believe in your own truth I know it's a lot of words but it's it's essential to your healing and you're moving on from these relationships that you spend more time in your truth than in yours one thing I believe I've mentioned this before like you can walk in other people's stories like when somebody is saying something to you describing you in a certain way you can empathize with them you can try to ask yourself are they is what they're saying true or whatever you can walk in someone else's story as long as you don't walk out of your own you can listen to what they have to say as long as it doesn't demand of you to forget who you are and to forget what your truth is people who want you to get off track from your own story and your own truth whether it's through gaslighting you diminishing you manipulating you trying to feed you a different Narrative of what who you are and what your intentions must be those people want you to be so sucked in to their narrative so that you never see the power that you have so that they could always have their hooks on you or so that they can never allow you to see them for who they are because that's protective for them so rest assured You Walking In Your Own Story will push you to look at people and say you've done something really bad and that doesn't mean that you as the person who's seeing the bad action that someone did doesn't mean that you're a bad person just because you're not able to see the good in someone well they've shown me the bad so on this journey where you're walking in your own story you will have to call people out for their lies for them their manipulation for their behavior for their gaslighting you will have to step out of your comfort zone that might tell you the limits of what I can say are the moment I start doubting or accusing or naming things as bad things you have to you have to break that barrier because Walking In Your Own Story means that you will see the gaslighting that you will see the manipulation that you will tell people you know what you hurt me so much and I I just I don't want you in my life anymore right yeah girl that was honestly like that breakdown that you just gave of how to start listening to our intuition really does bring us full circle from where we even started right breaking through all the signs how what we do when we see the signs how we respond to it once we leave if we find ourselves in that repetitive motion how do we keep breaking out of it and trusting our energy decrease gradually decreasing if anything I want anyone to take from this interview is gradually decrease the time you are spending in their truth and increase the time you're spending in your truth and at some point you're going to be a hundred percent in your truth in zero percent and there's hell yeah that's exactly why people take away from this episode today um homie as always I freaking adore you love having you on the show where can people find you and all the amazing work that you're getting up to I'm on all social media platforms at najwa zabian my podcast will probably be out by the time this airs it's called in the clear and it helps you gain Clarity on all aspects of your life using logic and emotion conversations On Letting Go my most recent audiobook you have to listen to it if you're struggling with letting go of anything or anyone and this is the first time I'm making this announcement next year in March the only constant my newest book is coming out and it helps you deal with life's changes changes you don't choose changes you choose and changes you need to make keep watching to learn how to set boundaries end manipulation and never be pushed around again welcome Terry Cole to women of impact you are the boundary boss and I want to say um thank you so much for joining because today I want to dig deep into boundaries because I feel like for us women especially to have the life we want to really go after that dream to not feel like we're getting pushed around and told what we should and shouldn't do it all comes back down to boundaries and your book boundary boss really is so um amazing at laying out all the steps in order for us to show up to be the person we want to be and set the boundaries so welcome to women of impact thank you so much for having me I'm so excited to be here love me too so we're very unique that I've never heard about boundary data can you actually just tell us what that is and then we'll dive a little deeper sure this is really the the misinformation that we got growing up about boundaries so nobody talks to you about boundaries you witness them so all of us have this downloaded boundary blueprint is what I call it so this unconscious material that drives our behavior in reference to boundaries so it matters what country what culture your family system all of those things the modeled behavior that you saw growing up all of them come together to create your boundary blueprint but most people a don't know that there's a lot of corrupted data in that blueprint and B they don't even know that these downloaded schemas kind of in your mind your unconscious mind if you go down into the basement you could actually take a look at them and decide whether that is for you or not for you but usually we just go oh I guess this is the way the world is so hopefully what boundary boss is doing is giving people a step-by-step process to find out what is in your basement around boundaries I love that what is in your basement that's so good because um going to the beginning of just assessing our assumptions because I think that that's something that we just almost take for granted how do we start to assess what type of mindset and limiting beliefs we actually have in order to then say Oh I can then change this or this is a choice most people will ask me how I don't even know about my boundaries I don't know if they're good I don't know if they're bad I don't know if they're too strict I don't know if they're too loose so part of it is you have to think about um where are you resentful right I have people do a resentment inventory because this will usually reveal where a boundary is needed or one that you've set is being violated or a need of yours is not being met and instead of just being like I'm angry we really are drilling down into who are you holding resentment for because that usually can tell you where you need a boundary and in reference to figuring out your boundary sort of archetype or your style I actually created a free quiz that people can take it's just boundaryquiz.com where you can go and see where where do you fall are your boundaries your disordered boundaries are they because they're too loose or is it because they're too rigid and this is something that I think that there is um a lot of myths around people are like oh you're a boundary boss you must be saying no all the time and telling people my way or the highway and I'm like oh no that's not it at all that is the other sign of the spectrum so in particular women have a tendency to over give I mean let's be honest about how we were raised most of us were raised and praised for being self-abandoning codependents can you break that down a little like when you say that what would you mean by that well I mean self-abanding means that I choose what I think is better for you than for me I don't want conflict I don't want you to be mad at me I'm afraid to be rejected so instead of asserting what is true for me I will abandon myself in that moment I will suck it up take one for the team I could you know there's a million things we could say about it but that is self-abandonment when we prioritize the needs and desires of others over our own right so that's the self-abanding part but the codependent piece is so incredibly common with women because we are taught to be like we're the Bridgers right we're the like producers of like life like we're the ones in the middle of all the things but when you think about what codependency actually is well usually it's over giving right it's it's really a covert or overt bid for control that is what codependency is and it doesn't look like that and I have this very high functioning group of women in my practice I've always had that demographic so when I first started seeing this this sort of epidemic of codependency and disordered boundaries and I would say oh hey what you're describing is codependent behavior and they would be like what are you nuts I'm I'm not dependent on squat everyone is dependent on me I'm making all the money I'm the one doing all the freaking things and making sure the kids are getting where they need to go and I'm like Oh my clients do not know what codependency actually is and so I created a new name high functioning codependency because that is what I was when I was still super actively codependent so high functioning codependents are the women where everyone is like you're the rock right I always come to you with my problems and we're doing it all but at the expense of ourselves inherent in codependency are disordered boundaries so you cannot be codependent and have healthy boundaries because these two things are actually mutually exclusive but what is codependency it's you being overly invested in the feeling States the outcomes the circumstances the relationships of the people in your life to the detriment of your internal peace your financial or physical spiritual well-being because really Lisa I mean all of us are lovers right of course we are invested in the happiness of the people that we love that's not codependency codependency is when you are overly so and if you're wondering anyone watching listening like how can I tell well if your best friend calls you with a problem I'm going to ask you to check your urgency did you suddenly start making phone calls and Googling and going getting your books and underlining things like do you feel compelled to fix your friend's problem the moment your best friend called you did that then become literally your problem that is codependency where instead of being compassionate to our friend or having faith that our friend has the answers for herself we really think it's on us and really it's so much of the stems from childhood a chaotic childhood addiction abuse and really even just a very strict household religious household pretty much any household anyone was raised in could you know could really sow the seeds for codependency amazing because I've heard you know codependency the word thrown around a lot and so you just breaking that down was so beautiful and I'd never heard it explained like that before so many of us are feeling stuck right now we have this dream and desire that we have ignored upon pause for so long and we tell ourselves that we'll go after it when when I have the time when I have the confidence and trust me I get it I spend eight years waiting for my life to change because I didn't have the confidence to do it myself but what if I didn't need the confidence to make a change what if I could have radical confidence which means not having the confidence but doing it anyway these are some of the 10 nobious life lessons I'll be teaching you in my new book radical confidence I have so many amazing bonuses so click the link below and let's get radically confident right freaking now how do we start to then pass between the the wonderful feeling of feeling needed and now we're spilling into codependency where you have a dysfunctional relationship and you are not setting boundaries well the awareness is the first step because what shifted it for me in my 20s I had a brilliant therapist who helped me see that what I was doing one of there was one of my sisters who had a really like rough life so she was with an abusive guy there was all these things where I for sure thought it was my problem to fix and I was talking about it in therapy and crying and what am I gonna do right my therapist is like um excuse me so she went on to say um you know Terry let me ask you something what makes you think that you know what lessons she needs to learn in this lifetime and I was like well I think we can all agree it doesn't have to be with this abusive idiot like why I mean it doesn't have to be like this and she was like I actually can't agree with that because I have no idea what your sister needs to learn in this lifetime and neither do you do you know what's really going on for you and I was like no obviously and she I said clue me and you know she said you have worked really hard to create internal peace for yourself and your sisters dumpster fire of a life is really messing with that piece so what you really want is to tie that up in a bow so you can be internally peaceful which you can't because you're so codependent with your sister what's happening to her feels like it's happening to you but it's not and I was like oh my God and when I really thought about it because prior to that I was like you know me I'm just a lover I really like to think of myself as Mother Teresa right right like it's all from this loving place that there was so much clarity in that moment that it was really a bid for control because her messed up life was messing up my piece and she said now from that perspective now how do we problem solve and I was like I step back until she wants help or will get away from this idiot and that'll help her she's like correct a step back I tell my sister hey I love you but I can't listen to you telling me the same horrendous crap every day about this guy but if you ever want to make a change I'm still your person and about nine months later she called me and she's like hello I'm ready I was like great I'm getting in my car and that was that and she went back to school and got sober and all of the things that came from that were not because of me because I centered myself in my sister's problem they were because my sister was ready to change and to grow and to commit to a different life and when you think about how narcissistic it really is or self-important to be like but I really know what you should do of course that wasn't how I meant it I didn't think I had a choice I thought I had to do it because she was my sister but this is what codependency looks like and the truth about what we're doing that bid for control really is hard so what can you do instead right that was the longest way around the barn to get back to your question which is what can we do instead part of it is your awareness right I build all of my work on these five pillars of self-mastery or transformation that I created and the first is self-awareness so you cannot shift anything that you are unaware of right that's obvious and then we move into self-knowledge like why am I this way and then there's self-acceptance self-compassion and then self-mastery but this beginning phase of awareness is really important so what does that require it requires you to become radically curious without judgment you know Deepak would say become the Observer without judgment and this is like the highest sort of of your own Evolution that you get curious and go huh well my friend called me with a problem did I immediately jump into action or was I able to stop and say to my friend hey before I weigh in if you want my opinion because if they're used to coming to you they do want your opinion but you don't need to give in what do you think what is your gut say listen you you know better than anyone what's right for you so I'm here to brainstorm it but what is your gut like there's a way that we can trust that the people in our life um are responsible for themselves whether they know what to do or not but it's not people that we love right it's like we're managing people instead of relating to them in this love way does that make sense yeah absolutely and that's so beautiful um way of framing I'd actually love to I'm so specific it's like okay what did you say so with your sister for instance everything you just said is beautiful and asking someone what does your gut tell you what are you feeling I totally understand that um now I'm envisioning in this scenario which I think we all know these people where it's the same problem that repeats and they don't want to look at themselves and like you were saying with your sister where you came to this conclusion of oh I'm you know codependent it's not good for either of us how did you overcome the guilt because I think that's so huge when it comes to boundaries that we feel guilty that maybe we're abandoning them like in those moments if you have your sister who you love to bears and who maybe is very emotional and when you say I can't deal with this anymore or you know did you go through any guilt did you go through any worry of Abandonment did she approach you with abandonment because then what did we say in those situations where we can have the strength to stick by the boundary that we're trying to lay out well all good questions and of course I had guilt because I had been such an overfunctioner so to actually draw that boundary that very difficult emotional boundary was incredibly hard but she knew why I was doing it and when you know I just said listen I love you and you staying in this abusive situation is too painful for me I can't continue because it is disrupting my life so much so if you want to change I'm here I love you but I can't be a part of this because it is so dysfunctional and painful and she's like I love you too and I understand now she understood and part of her I think was relieved in a way that I was going to back off and then you know she was in it for nine months before she came out of it and of course I was worried hey maybe she's never coming out of it I don't know right but it would it wasn't just that it was my right to not do it is wrong emotionally to think that we have the answers for others think about it this way when I was doing all of these quick fixes for my sister giving money gonna help finding a place for her to live what whatever all of those things what I was doing is I was lessening the the pain that would Inspire her to change you were saying you have a friend who calls and talks about the same crap but never like ever changes and doesn't want to look at herself just wants to keep talking that's the same thing because you get off the phone with that friend and that friend feels lighter she's like wow Elise I always feel so much better after talking to you you get off the phone and you feel like someone barfed toxic waste on you because they did so you're absorbing that energy they feel better so now the pain the suffering that would Inspire them to find their own solution we are literally lessening that likelihood of them doing that if we continue to be a Band-Aid on this gaping wound that needs more than a Band-Aid right but it buys more time and as soon as I knew that me doing that was really colluding with her lowest self I was like oh yeah I'm done like I'm not colluding with the addicted part of her anymore I have faith she can get it together I really think that she can get sober if she wants to but not if I'm here you know doing all the things so she doesn't feel the pain of her choices right these are choices and I don't think addiction is a choice I mean I'm a recovering myself so it's not it's no blame in that but choices right you're choosing to stay wow that was so strong and where's the fine line between then obligation and um a choice because I think a lot of us do feel the obligation um and we don't realize it's a choice to then switch that well part of it is question your downloaded blueprint question why you feel obligated is it because your mother made you feel obligated because you were the oldest kid and you know you take care of your family as everything and if you don't do this then you're wrong I mean you come from a very strong culture where family is all the things being Greek it's like every country culture and family system itself has all of these cultural norms of the right way to be you were indoctrinated into these beliefs and maybe some of them stay and maybe a lot of them don't and you have a choice to and you know you you yourself you're a good example because you are an outside the box thinker so people are like you know we're driving kids and you're like because I don't want to but you're able to own like hey I'm not less than because of that but if you didn't have such a strong sense of self or hadn't done the work that you've done that might make you feel ashamed that might make you feel bad or you might have kids even though you don't want to like that's how strong and how deep those um that that what do we call it corrupted data runs in order to be lovable you must um behave this particular way yeah which is just simply not true yeah I definitely was told that growing up that I would end up a wife and kid you know having um kids and I never really questioned it and so that was where like the obligation I think came in was like of course I'm going to do it like you know my parents have been telling me my whole life until I decided that I didn't want any and I had to question that I had to sit boundaries with my family because no matter how many times I'm sure many people can relate no matter how many times you may actually even say something out loud it took me time to get the courage to say it and then say it out loud and even when I did I still got people asking me even when I said I've decided to not have children I would get my family and my dad and my mom saying you know oh but you know life isn't you know worth living if you don't have children and so I ended up having to set that boundary say can you please stop trying to persuade me because it's taking away almost the um the power of me saying I am not going to have it because it is insinuating you can now persuade me to change my mind right but this is a boundary issue so this is really it's an emotional and or a mental boundary issue so you made a decision you know how you feel you know what you think and you've been super clear about your boundary and then you have we call them repeat offenders who just keep on coming back to trample on that boundary one more time it's like the person who you say absolutely not I don't want to do the thing I'm not doing the thing hired a client who had this experience and literally as she's leaving this party or wherever she was that she had to like emphatically say no many times with this person they were like okay so why don't you just take tonight when do you sleep on it and we'll talk tomorrow she's like oh my God what part of no do you not understand and that is a boundary violation because someone is forcing attempting to wear down your no that's about to violation change your mind after you've said please don't a boundary violation there too when you think about what we learned right as little girls what was it be good right be a good girl smile turn that frown around right don't be a troublemaker don't stir the pot and it's all about giving to others also where if you're a good girl or if you grow up to be a good woman you know what is what is embody's femininity is all about self-sacrifice all about self-sacrifice which who wants that you know that that's not what it's all about but yet it is what we learned and so when you think about boundaries think about them as a language and you wouldn't feel bad if you weren't fluent in like Mandarin just because you really wanted to be right you would know oh I if I want to be fluent in Mandarin here are things I need to do steps I need to take people I need a guide I literally need a step-by-step process and you wouldn't expect to be fluent after doing that for like two hours you would know it takes time this is the same thing where we always start small with everything when it comes to boundaries is that we never tackle like the boundary bullies or the boundary destroyers in our life it's like the low priority people where we just if you're someone who they get your order wrong when you go out and you oh normally would say that's fine I'll eat it I don't care it doesn't matter just send the friggin salad back and get the salad that you want right just just send it back because it's about you when you think about what what are boundaries these are like your own personal Rules of Engagement and we share them with other people because it tells them what's okay with us and what's not okay with us and that means you must know your preferences your desires your limits and your deal breakers because those are the things that not only make up your boundaries they also make up Who You Are your preferences desires limits deal breakers Lisa they're unique to you mine are unique to me we are all so different just like our fingerprints right or our DNA it's very similar most people don't know their own preferences desires limits and deal breakers people who identify as women in particular don't know because we're so busy I can tell you what everyone else's preferences are every person in my life I know what they eat what they're allergic to what they do and don't like all the things you know when I would have um women come into my therapy practice and I would say okay like in the beginning like so what brings you Joy that would just be one of the questions and they I would say honestly nine times out of ten they would say I don't know I gotta be honest I never really thought about it I'm like okay well now it's time to think about it maybe we can think about it now because they're so busy becoming an expert on all the people in their life but all of that over giving over functioning overdoing that abandonment of self that can only lead to one place which I hate to say it's like a one-way ticket to bitterland but it is because you will only be angry eventually you can do it for a long time and then you're pissed and think about all these moms like I have friends who are like oh my mom is such a martyr blah blah blah well you don't think that that mom when she was 20 was like I can't wait to grow up and be a martyr I mean right so true she didn't think that was gonna happen but it does because if you are self-sacrificing because it's a way to keep people attached to you because that's what codependency really is that is driven by fear not actually driven by love so if you're kind of bean counting the stuff that you do for everyone if you feel that people are not appreciative enough of all of your efforts you want to question like am I giving because I'm afraid if I don't I'll be rejected I'll be judged I'll be kicked out of the pack like what is the fear because if you're giving from Love you're not being counting right you're giving because you want to not because you're like I'm keeping score and now you owe me you know what I mean right yeah I've got an amazing quote of yours um giving is love over giving is functional it is and I think that you know at least part of this thing about self-love because self-love is such a um an important part of what I write about in the book like it's less of a feeling let's say and it's more of a way of life that is evidenced in your relationships your boundaries your self-care right how how well you negotiate for your own needs that is what self-love is because it's it's action it isn't a feeling it's like how are you relating to yourself because if you put everyone above yourself if you are last on your own list if you have a terribly negative inner voice that's so mean and caustic to you then you are literally setting the bar in your life you will inevitably attract to others who agree with that low self-assessment and when you feel good about yourself live self-love you are setting the bar higher and you will inevitably attract folks who think that that is how worthy you are but it all Rises or Falls based on how you feel about yourself and so I would have clients who were like looking for love in all their own places because they were looking for self-love in love with others and I'm like they're not the same and this place that we have every single one of us has this inside of us this place that only self-love can fill no amount of overworking no amount of love from others can fill this particular spot within us so it really is a um a Worthy cause to get fall madly and deeply in love with yourself and question these limiting beliefs about oh don't get a big head and if you fall madly and deeply in love with yourself then you're conceited or you're selfish that really isn't true but if you are not rocking this kind of self-love where you're taking care of yourself first you really don't have that much to give to others because what we're seeking from others they cannot provide because it is a inside job you know it's so beautiful because um I think you even said something along the lines of we think of boundaries as saying no I'm pushing people away but actually it's about keeping our inner peace inside of us and that was such a beautiful way of um flipping the perspective of boundaries because I do think that going back to the guilt thing that we were talking about if we can see it as this is good for you and this isn't about being mean or pushing people away but this is for your future your sanity your happiness like I just think that allows us to take a step forward if we don't necessarily feel like we have the confidence yet to set that boundary it it's I think you're right and flipping the the meaning or flipping the The View on that it is the most loving thing that you can ever do because what is it to establish healthy boundaries in your relationships it's really about allowing the people in your life to authentically know who you are when you're saying yes when you really want to say no that isn't being nice that's just being dishonest so how can anyone ever authentically love you if you never allow them to authentically know you hmm I've never thought of it like that oh my God that's so amazing that's so true again going back perspective I'm always trying to think about what are the reasons why people don't set boundaries in the first place and what is the thing that holds us back and everything you're saying in just flipping the way that we think about it to me really does allow them the space to want to do it with Grace versus like for me when I was first setting boundaries I was like all right you've got to have the strength you've got to go in like a bull you're going to have to draw the hard line right and it's like because I didn't have enough confidence to set it and keep it so I thought if I go in with aggression maybe I can't be bullied out of it um obviously it was terrible strategy um but it was the first thing that I needed in order to just get started and so everything that you've just said allows I think people to really get started with um without the aggression I came in and had originally it's normal though like like what you're saying right we go from the pendulum always swings like that or there were too poorest that's what we call them boundaries that are too loose and then you swim over here and it's too rigid but through time and repetition you realize that there is a healthy place in between and I think that for people watching or listening if you're like what I don't even know where to start you do though so why don't we just start with stopping the auto yes why don't we just start with that if you're someone who's a people pleaser and this won't speak to everyone but it will most likely speak to quite a a big majority of people listening if you're a people pleaser or if you sort of just are an insta yes person when someone's like can you do this or would you do this we're going to stop doing that because we need to stop doing that so moving into um what do you do instead right and you can buy time you can literally buy time that is what you're going to do instead so you're just going to say oh hey I just need to get back to you in this period of time or that period of time I need to check with my partner my roommate whoever it is that is what you're doing because if you can stop the immediate yes it is so much easier to come back and say no if that's what the answer is so when we give the immediate yes to crap we really want to say no to then what happens oh then we find a way to get out of it we get a migraine oh sorry I just got a migraine because I can't come right like we end up being that the person that people really can't count on because we can't deal with telling the truth and you know what if you say yes when you really want to say no no offense but you're actually not really emotionally trustworthy you're not a trustworthy person because I know my friends who are people Pleasers I love them and when they say I'm definitely going to be there I think in my mind there's a 50 chance she's going to do that and the people I feel safest with are the people who when they say they're going to do something I'm like oh yeah she doesn't say yes unless she's really in I don't have to double check there's not going back and forth it's just no I have a great story in the book about a close friend of mine Elizabeth and I got in touch with her I was like hey do you want to go to Honduras or wherever I was going for something and she's like no no I hate it I hate hot weather I hate the sand I hate sun no but thanks I hope you have a great time like she wasn't even like oh I wonder if she's going to be upset like she was just like no I don't like it great it didn't make me think she doesn't like me right she doesn't like hot weather that's her right and she's someone I can trust because she's not a bullshitter so you actually mentioned the types of boundaries I'd love to go through the categories and the types because um I think that would be super useful for people to once you said identify and now start to pass out what type of boundary they they need to put into place right so we have categories so there's categories of boundaries and then sort of styles of boundaries so the categories are we start with physical boundaries which is all about your physicality who can touch you how how much personal space you need so think about our close talker when you have someone who's like you you step back and they step forward and you're like hey man you eventually will say something but some people don't mind a close talker right so it's again it's all very um unique to you so underneath the physical boundaries is also sexual boundaries which is it what is okay for you sexually um do you have unsafe sex if you don't then that's a boundary that you need to put in place and a boundary violation there is someone touching you in any way without your permission massaging your shoulders even if someone thinks you should be um flattered by the attention it's for you to decide whether that's okay or not and then we have material boundaries and that's how you relate to your things so you may you know lend your car to people you may not you may lend money to people you may not you may like your car to be very clean and if your cousin comes in your car and leaves a bunch of crap around that is a material boundary violation and there's nothing wrong with you wanting your car to be clean right and it's okay to say to your cousin hey man when you leave take a with you like you've messed up my clean car I don't like that you know how I feel about my car so this is so many of us sorry in those situations just by our tongue and it's like okay make the mess like you dread it you know it's about to happen you bite your tongue when it's happening they're leaving and you like swear under your breath as you're cleaning out yep exactly what we do is we just put it in that file cabinet right you know the file cabinet of resentment so it's just another reason why Cousin Bob is an there you go just putting it in the file cabinet and maybe one day I'll use it but we don't forget those violations and when you can just say it it's so liberating because you're not accumulating so much resentment right because when you can't say it you are accumulating resentment then we have emotional boundaries which is knowing what like how you feel and knowing that how other people feel is their responsibility so when you have healthy emotional boundaries you're not easily guilted by others you also don't blame others for your life your choice is what you've done yeah can you give us an example that because I think we um we do that without realizing well I think that anything that we're upset about like we will say this person like made me feel a particular way and the truth is people don't really make us feel we feel what we feel based on such an array of different factors now it doesn't mean maybe they did use a harsh tone with you but instead of blaming it's more about stepping forward and saying hey I'd like to make a simple request that you back up with that tone I feel like it's really aggressive and it's really hard for me to hear what you're saying when you're talking in that way so if you want to take a time out I'm happy to do that but we say something instead of being like how I feel is that person's responsibility we tell them we negotiate for our needs which is to not allow someone to talk to us in a tone that makes us feel degraded or whatever that scenario might have been right so that is emotional boundaries and then you have mental boundaries which is what you think and your opinion on things and if you have healthy emotional boundaries you can hold on to what you think even if you're with others who don't think like you who think different than you you also don't take it super personally if they don't think like you so those are the categories and then as I said before then we look at how does the dysfunction show up is it porous boundaries which means that they're too loose so in the boundary Arc Type stuff that's more like a peacekeeper or a pushover or a chameleon right someone who suddenly sort of just takes on the thoughts and feelings of the people they're around um so that's too loose the healthy boundaries of course are right in the middle and then over here are boundaries that are too rigid where it's like in some ways an overreaction it is the person who's like hey man my way or the highway that is a disordered boundary because it's too rigid right you can't work with other people if that is what you say if you have rigid boundaries you're way more likely to cut someone out of your life than you are to tell them what they did that hurt your feelings you're just like done with you because you don't have the capacity really probably emotionally to work it out but it's this very um it's a reactive way of being so there we go those are the categories and then those are the types also what's the difference between a rigid boundary and a non-negotiable boundary that's a perfect question so let's look at what is the difference if you are throwing down a rigid boundary you are not really having a conversation you will you have decided that this person did something you don't like and you're like it's like here's the extreme of what it is if a non-negotiable means that there's something that you cannot abide by in your life that it is a deal breaker right it threatens the relationship you're in when I was dating before I've been with my husband 25 years but when I was dating back in the day when I was a talent agent one of my friends was um setting me up with people and I said this is way long before there was like Tinder or any of that yeah I said hey I remember the days girl don't worry that's what I'm talking about I said hey I and I also don't want to date anyone in recovery now not because I'm judging because I was in recovery and I was like hey one addict in a relationship is enough for me that's my choice and she was all like I don't understand that's so judgmental why would you do that I was like hey man you don't have to understand see that's my deal breaker that's my choice and you don't have to understand and this is true about your boundaries too so people may say you shouldn't feel that way that is an emotional boundary violation right that is someone trampling on your boundaries so you have every right to have deal breakers and then we have an obligation to share what they are because if we keep our deal breakers to ourselves and our relationships then how is the other person going to know what the problem is or what what we're talking about um but we also need to tell the person the other person what is non-negotiable and sometimes that means relationships end right sometimes that's what that means but at least you're not abandoning yourself in that process because in relationships where we are readily abandoning ourselves we will eventually either leave the relationship or just be miserable yeah because that's so true because um when I first met my husband I just told him my non-negotiables and I told him like I wasn't great at setting boundaries it wasn't it wasn't like I had this confidence it was more oh if I don't tell him and he does it like because it's non-negotiable for me my relationship's over so set this set the relationship up for success and lay out the things that are important to you and so for me it was if he ever cheated on me I would literally be out the door he wouldn't even have time to explain to me what happened I would pack my bags and I would be out and the same if he ever laid a finger on me abusively there would just be no explanation those are my two and I just laid them out from the beginning in order for us both know um how we how we can make this relationship succeed but sometimes it really is hard to set to the negotiables especially if it's like family members like when it's a partner you're gonna break up with them but it's a whole different world if you set non-negotiables for parents and I have a lot of my audience asked me a lot about how to set those boundaries with parents when in fact let's answer that first and then what if someone then becomes a regular offender of that well there has to be a consequence if someone has a regular offender right so in the book I teach you about a proactive boundary success plan so these are steps that we take before we have a boundary conversation especially if we're talking about our parents or siblings or you know people who you've had long relationships with so you know them you know if your father is super crabby before he has his coffee in the morning then you're probably not gonna have this conversation at 7am like you want to set yourself up to be successful and then you come up with what is it what are going to be the words that you're going to say and in the book I give you probably I don't even know a million boundary scripts for every scenario from like leaving a cult to I mean literally I hit them all so you can look in there you can definitely find something you can use and a lot of it are just sentence starters because that's what we need we need like how do I approach it you can start with gratitude right you can start by saying you know how much I love you and that's why I need to make a simple request that you when you want to come over to my house even though we're close that you text me and ask me if it's convenient because when you use the key a it startles me but B I'm dad you don't know I could be running around naked so can we agree that if you're going to come over during the day you will a ask me if it works and B not use your key now so what do you do if and this is a real this is a real situation with one of my clients that she moved close to home and the parents even though she said please stop coming over with that warning they were like oh come on it's mine it's just us they kept doing it and then she told them hey if you keep doing this I will change the locks and they were like oh that's ridiculous I could change relax she changed the locks and they were not they they weren't mad mad because she had warned them and they had been violating her boundary but from that point forward she said do you know you guys you could have just respected what I asked of you and instead I had to you know spend 400 bucks to change all my locks and now I really need for you to do this and they actually did but sometimes it takes a consequence right that consequence was them not being you know jamming it in and having it not work and being like wow she's really serious about this and she was so I think that it depends on what boundary violations are happening it depends on if the family system is toxic or not these are two really important parts because if you're talking about having a narcissistic mother or anything that I've talked about about the normal and healthy way of setting boundaries does not apply if you're talking about what you do in that situation then if you do have a narcissistic parent oh step back yeah step back you know there are a lot of psychotherapists who will will say you know you can change that relationship but I've seen the damage that allowing a narcissist to be close to you especially when you're you're a woman and it's your mother it's oh my God it is just devastating so it depends do they have narcissistic Tendencies or are they a full-blown toxic narcissist and again those are two extremes because if someone just has narcissistic Tendencies and they're not really diagnosable they could change but you have to say Hey you know whatever I'd like to make a simple request that's one way of putting it or I wanted to bring it get it on your radar I wanted to talk to you about what happened last Wednesday how I wanted to let you know how I felt and again when we are communicating we're always sticking to our side of the street we are so clear that we are not using you we are not pointing fingers we are not making sweeping generalizations when you talk about yourself this was my experience who can say no it wasn't I mean somebody might try but generally speaking when someone says hey this is what happened for me I'm not saying that was your intention but I want you to know that you being late really made me feel unimportant so I just want you to know that because I love you and I don't want it to keep happening right we're telling people how we feel so we're not adding stuff to that file cabinet God I love that so much and giving people words to start the conversation like it's so powerful to me because I can't get out of my own way of how my thoughts are spinning in my head I just can't and so I go okay I'm not gonna let that stop me so what are the things I can do what tools can I use in order to still set the boundaries because I know long term it's good for me and so having things like that the phrases that allow me to start the conversation is so powerful and one of the things that I started to do was saying to people that I love I'm really struggling with and this is how you can help because again I used to come in that like you're doing this wrong and like anything it's just like when you're telling someone that they're doing something wrong what are they going to do immediately defend themselves right and so I had to change the strategy and find words that would help um and so that thing you just said was so beautiful in giving people that opening sentence to be able to you know start the discussion and and another thing is is that we never want to say to someone we need to talk because nobody ever wants to talk to you when you or I just I just scared myself if anyone says we need to talk you're like oh my God no way so you came in with those defenses already up correct of course you've warned them you've told them to put their defenses up so we love to do it in a neutral way part of the the proactive boundary success plan is visualizing it going well and when I say going well I don't mean controlling what they do I'm not talking about them I'm talking about you being the baller that you are having the courage to negotiate for what you want and telling the truth because that is where your healing is your healing is insane what I think matters how I feel matters because I matter and if other people go oh you're I don't like your new boundaries or I don't like what you're doing we learn a lot about people when we start to put boundaries in place and you will find that some people are very flexible and appreciative for the Intel about you and then some people are all offended and you know you you will have data to make some decisions in your life but nothing can be more important than your relationship with yourself and that healing by standing up is just so profound I love it and you actually said um a little early about staying in your lane can you talk to me talk to me because I believe you give a story in the book where it's like us overstepping other people's boundaries because that's also important right if we want people to respect our boundaries and really um embrace them we need to be giving the gift that we want and so you talk about staying in our lane can you talk to me a bit about that I'm laughing a little bit because it is so classic that all the over givers right and when I was an over Giver anyone who had boundaries and wasn't doing what I was doing just like laying themselves out for anyone I would be like oh she is so entitled she is such a like I cannot believe she said no after everything I've done for her I mean that she didn't ask me to do but I'm still holding it against her so it's a great point that you bring up of how do we keep our side of the street clean which means we don't just learn how to say no we learn how to accept someone else's no and talk about that and try to have healthy emotional boundaries and not take it all so personally if they don't do what we want them to do so and this is also a process and you can say hey I'm struggling with you said I'm struggling right now with that but I respect your right to choose and if we want others to respect our right to our boundaries we have to also you know you give as good as you get we have to also be able to do that for others and I feel like especially as you're you're moving away from codependency it is really hard because codependents are you know we're like giving advice Auto advice giving all around town and then we're like mad when someone doesn't take the advice that we didn't they didn't even ask us for like well if Betty had just done what I said to do she would be in this mess just pretend your own life codependent so we learn to move away from that but being able to accept and not Center all of these things on ourselves is very humbling yeah and especially when it's someone that we love we're always trying to fix them but sometimes in that fixing it makes them feel badly about themselves course of course it does I remember a situation with my husband years ago where his rep at the time embezzled money from it was like a whole thing and I was ridiculously over the top I was calling lawyers I was going to get an entertainment lawyer I was so so so mad and I could see that the more hysterical I became about revenge and getting it from her and whatever I was doing he was becoming more and more almost like distraught and then I finally said to him hey babe how can I best support you right now because I really got like what I was doing was not it and he said you can trust that I will handle this and I probably won't handle it how you you fly every area how you would handle it right but at trust then I'm gonna get it done the way I need to get it done and I was like you got it I stepped off that situation and he handled the entire thing but that's a perfect example of you saying we're making the other people feel incompetent by being like I have a better idea you should do it this way and that isn't how I would do it well who the free asked you it's not your life stand your own side of the street and support the people that you love in finding their own answers because that really is love and it doesn't mean if your friend says hey I really would like your opinion it doesn't mean we never give our friends our opinion or our partners but that's specific that specific language Vic my husband will say to me now okay so are you venting or are we brainstorming like what what would you know how can I best support you right now and I'll be like I'm just venting it's like okay good to know go like so he knows he's not going to be saying anything because I'm venting and those nuances of preferences because that's what they are that we share with the people we love deepens our intimate our Intimacy in such a profound way I love that I do that with my husband too because I would go into I just need to be heard and he would go into I need to fix it for you and so we would just end up butting heads and it's like hang on a minute we both are trying to you know he's trying to be sweet and kind um but I'm not perceiving it like that because it's not the the the communication I'm looking for right now in this moment yep um I've heard you say which is so fascinating about um indecisions and I never thought of it like this but I actually have a great quote of yours crippling indecision Keeps Us stuck in terrible situations long past that exploration day can you explain it because I never even thought twice about indecisions well indecision I've seen this in my therapy practice over and over and over when someone comes in and says you know I just can't decide what to do in my relationship I'm so torn I'm like you're not torn you don't want to know what you already know because you don't think you have the skills to extricate yourself it's so scary that it's it's almost like your mind will play a trick on you and be like well here's the pros and here's the cons another thing about staying indecision is that it's a way to a not make decisions so you don't have to deal with the Fallout of making decisions right because you're staying in the in between the holding pattern of not yes not no but there's something about that that life makes the decisions for you right so if you stay in a decision and you don't decide you are deciding so that person who would say to me I'm torn about the relationship in her not making the decision to leave that tornness was basically a decision to stay so I always say look at the secondary gain right which is the unobvious game you get by staying stuck so how do we know what that is what what what are you gaining right so with that client I could say what is she what is she gaining out of being in indecision in her relationship and the question you ask to decipher that is what do I get to not face not feel or not experience by staying stuck here so in her case when she could finally answer the questions I get to not face the state of my relationship I get to not feel terrified of having a conversation I don't know how to have right I get to avoid that but then we look at but what do you lose what do you lose right and you know of course that we got to what do you lose is you lose the option of finding healthy love that you really want to be in having a relationship with yourself that isn't all about codependency so there's a lot of things but I feel like that secondary gain that one question um is so powerful no matter where you are stuck in your life if you can reveal the unobvious gain you're getting unconsciously by staying stuck it makes it so much easier to get unstuck Terry Terry you'll be so freaking amazing everything we've spoken about today has been so powerful I love bringing new thoughts new ideas New Growth into my own life and so how you've broken down boundaries and really identified the trouble that we get ourselves into so beautiful where can people find you and why your amazing book you can go to well terrycole.com you can also get the book at boundarybossbook.com I have a ton of uh bonuses that I'm still giving out for people if you want to take the boundary quiz just go to boundaryquiz.com and get your archetype and I guarantee you at least I already know yours I'm not going to say it you're going to take it and you're going to tell me okay okay that's a deal we're gonna do that on Instagram I'm just Terry Cole and I have the Terry Cole show which is a podcast I've had for the last almost seven years care right now to learn the seven ways to spot manipulation and gaslighting when we are truly dealing with a manipulation strategy is that we tend to get gaslit into believing that what we're seeing happens didn't happen

Channel: Lisa Bilyeu

Views: 902,249

Keywords: women of impact, woman of impact, lisa bilyeu, tom bilyeu, impact theory, quest nutrition, motivation, inspiration

Id: eqjTYgI9jYg

Length: 179min 6sec (10746 seconds)

Published: Wed Sep 06 2023