I documented my breakup...

it makes you question literally everything that you thought i know i'm still using that as like a connection towards him i don't understand i wish i didn't care this much hi hey hello so first i want to disclaimer this video um this is not a bashing my ex video this is not a tea spilling video i really genuinely wish the best for my ex and his family this is a video however documenting how i healed from and dealt with the breakup of my one and a half year relationship this is definitely one of the more important videos i've made um definitely the most vulnerable and scary definitely scary and i'm kind of just making it to show people that you know you're not alone whether you're going through a relationship breakup a friendship breakup a family breakup or if you just feel like you haven't been yourself and you've kind of lost yourself over the course of time so it's kind of just talking about that and how to really regain your sense of self back so if that is you or you just are curious to see how i healed after my breakup without further ado this is the documentation of my breakup before we get into the clips let me give a little bit of background um this breakup was really weird for me i never thought i'd be a person be like this upset over breakup because i used to not care about high school relationships thought they were stupid could never commit was really independent but quarantine changed a lot of that i really began to rely on this person for my sole source of social interaction which made the breakup so hard so me and this person broke up once in october got back together and then the second and final breakup was the very very later part of december september is when my mental started getting kind of bad so it wasn't just a breakup that i was like having to deal with it was like the breakup insecurity from the first breakup like bad mental health like no motivation just all this stuff that i feel like i was having to deal with anxiety you know like feeling like i wasn't who i was supposed to be or who i was before just like a lot of stuff like i felt like i completely lost myself i didn't know who i was um my source of social interaction that i had kind of like went out the window after the breakup you know and i just really lost my sense of self that is kind of a backstory i don't really know if that makes sense let's just kind of move on to the rest of the clips and you guys will see what i'm talking about [Music] um hi vlog um this is my first documentation of the breakup and i feel shitty oh my god i look shitty too i it's new year's eve laugh out loud um break up was a few days ago and i just feel sad because like it's me really duh who would not feel sad it makes you question literally everything that you thought especially when it happens so like like unexpectedly it was really sad yikes um so the biggest emotion that i was feeling at that time was a sense of betrayal i felt that at a certain point i gave everything that i had and i felt like when things got hard for me this person couldn't handle it and i was so disappointed and i had so many expectations of what a partnership should be and what ours would be and those expectations were just not met so i was feeling disappointed i was feeling betrayed and i was just feeling shitty and i still believe that about a partnership i still believe that sometimes a person has to carry 110 when the other person can only carry 90 if that makes sense like you can't give 100 all the time so it's give and take that's just not what happened in that one just feeling very disappointed very upset very um bad hey guys yeah why did i do that i kind of slipped up and i texted him because i'm not contact like my whole thing is like i'm not gonna be in contact with him for a really long time if not forever and so i slipped up on thursday by like using like me dropping off his stuff as an excuse to talk to him basically and it just turned into me like saying all the reasons that i'm upset with him and how i wished and hoped that the situation could have been handled differently me also saying that i hope that we can be friends because we started off as best friends before we started dating and that was one thing that we didn't want to lose with our friendship but um looking back or looking forward or whatever i don't know if that's plausible for either party um and so like the part that i miss the most at least is like having fun with this person we're quarantined our relationship was especially important to me because it was like some of the only like human interaction that i got even if it wasn't like face to face like over facetime we put like video games and stuff like that and so i guess like now i don't really like see a lot of people at school and like everything's weird with masks and like i'm doing online school and stuff like that another thing was i wanted so desperately to be friends with this person after the breakup i wanted to be civil so bad i reached out so many times to try and make it happen i tried again and again and again and that's just not what happened it was another time that i was disappointed because i had certain expectations that weren't met and i just thought of course of course we can be mature about this because you know i just had certain expectations that that's how things would happen but that's not what happened i had a very very hard time dealing with the fact that my idea of how i thought the breakup should go and oh this person should still care about this person and they shouldn't just hate each other after the breakup that's so stupid why would you hate someone that you used to love those expectations were not met at some point i had to stop caring about how this person was acting what they did how they were not meeting my expectations and i had to focus on my own actions i recently actually had a conversation with a very brutally honest friend and he said you care too much about what everyone else thinks you care too much about what he thinks and he was right the only way that i was actually able to fully moved on is when i stopped giving a about what everyone thought about what my ex thought i started caring about all that and when i stopped caring about all that that's when i was able to finally move on also like i said quarantine changed everything for me because i became very reliant on this person for friendship and social interaction and to that i would say do not stay in a relationship just because you are afraid of being lonely do not do it do not do it that is all i have to say to you because i can promise you that if you are not happy in your relationship and the only reason that you are not leaving is because you are afraid to be alone that won't be a good relationship if you leave that relationship you will be sad at first and it will suck but you will be so much happier after my theory hopefully is that if i start doing things that make me feel more like me then i'll be able to fully return to myself um but it just like sometimes you feel like you aren't like healing as fast as you want to or they're already over it or whatever but also it doesn't really matter you know um if they are not because it's your healing process and your journey i've been watching a lot of videos and stuff on um just how to like handle the breakup and then i just ordered a book called the modern breakup that i saw like a pretty long time ago i'd say like a year ago and i was like wow next time i break up with someone or like go through a breakup with someone i'm definitely gonna get this book and so then i was like ah now is my time to shine in the club you just watched i talked about this book the modern breakup i think that everyone should read this book even if you're not going through a breakup i just think it's the best book ever and this genuinely helped me get over my breakup i don't know it's just really good it gives you a lot of perspective and i just really enjoyed it i'm putting a link down below in the description definitely read it if you get the chance it's fire anyways so i also try to do a lot of cool things it just like made me you know enjoy life more separate from this person so here's a compilation of some of those cool things [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] disasters become lessons [Music] also if you are going through a breakup like i said family friendship relationship or other or you just kind of don't know who you are anymore please watch some videos to help you deal with it it's very good to learn some stuff and hear other people's testimonies about the things that they've gone through and solutions that they can give you to help yourself also i journaled a not a lot but a moderate amount during this period of time which i feel like also really helped so do that too you should always be journaling no matter what's happening in your life but specifically when you're going through something really hard and it's really hard to dissect all your emotions and not listen to all your jumbling thoughts journaling is a one definitely do that so just a quick update um every day it's literally something huh i class with my ex today just as i was like okay like it's fine whatever guess who texted me even though i told them that i needed some time a lot of time before i was going to talk to them i didn't respond so yay me i don't know if i ever will maybe eventually um but i won't respond for as long as i'm doing my social media detox so a few things about this clip um i didn't respond to my ex not out of immaturity or you know like anger i just really want to give myself time to heal i also didn't want to continue being attached to this person you know like i wanted to move on and heal on my own also you can see in this clip that i'm getting very angry at myself for just being sad which number one tip hashtag number one tip do not get angry at yourself for your own emotions i feel like that's what also led to me being so upset through the course of these six months or whatever it is what like october to april what is that six months i don't know that's seven uh for me seven months was that i just got so angry at myself for feeling bad i was like why am i feeling bad right now why can't i get over this why can't i be happy what is wrong with me it's okay to be sad you don't always have to be like why am i sad right now what's going on why why am i why am i doing this why am i blah blah blah blah blah blah also please please please don't text your ex it will make things worse every single time without fail i had to learn this the hard way and it definitely took me a lot of times to learn this and i slipped up a lot of times here's a clip actually of when i did slip up these past three days i've been so happy happier than i have been in months and the fact that i ruined that for myself and i let someone else ruin that for me is really eye-opening and concerning like why did i do that why so don't feel bad if you do slip up but just know that texting your ex will always make things worse now the only reason i'm adding these next two videos is because i think that they are very very funny and they make me laugh they weren't funny at the time but they make me laugh a lot now note to self don't listen to driver's license um hi guys i watched all of bridgert in like two days and then i accidentally listened well on purpose accidentally cause i didn't know it was about listen to olivia rodrigo's driver's license which if you haven't heard that um don't listen to it it will make you cry another thing i had to go through was jumping around stages of grief many many times i jumped through anger and disappointment and sadness and acceptance like a bunch of times or whatever stages of grief are i don't know i'm not a psychiatrist but i jumped around those a lot i went from very happy one day to very sad the next and two very angry the next and to very whatever the next and i just jumped around them a ton and i didn't know that that would happen but as you can see by the next two clips i definitely jumped around those stages a lot and my healing was definitely not linear the last clip you guys saw i was a wreck but since then wednesday and today it's been two days i've actually been doing really great yeah i've been more productive i sometimes still think about like right now my like main like intrusive thoughts i guess i would call them is that just like keep popping in my head or like what went wrong in our relationship like thinking about how we used to be so happy and today i learned this quote and it says i release my control and i flow with the universe or something like that i loved that i was like so yeah because i think that a lot of times i like to have control on the situation so i'm just here crying in my garden no well i am here crying in my car but i haven't eaten today so it's three o'clock so i got an acai bowl why do i care about this person so much when they completely broke down who i am as a person i don't understand i wish i didn't care this much oh my god no someone pulled up in the car next to me i'm just getting laid back they're in the parking lot like me i'm just gonna eat my um [Music] is that the cops coming to get me is it illegal to cry parking lots i don't want to be sad or sometimes i'm really really happy i'm able to fully accept the situation but right now it's not one of those times so yes remember that you will feel a lot of different emotions in your healing process and that is very squiggly it's a very squiggly line not it is definitely boop i wish i could still be close with his family and stuff um but i don't think that that's possible because i know i'm still using that as like a connection towards him the hardest part for me was letting go of the way that things used to be and having to tell friends and family that this happened kind of just losing a part of my life because this person was a huge part of my life and things that we would do and time that i would spend you know like a lot of time and energy was dedicated to this person so the hardest part for me was just changing all of that and i felt like it was hard to act normal a lot of people didn't know we broke up until months later i mean obviously if you were very close to me you knew my closest friends knew that i was struggling also shout out to everyone who literally helped me so much with my healing process you guys have a uh mention down below please check that out i i felt like i wasn't myself i felt like i didn't have my same personality because i feel like i'm generally a very positive person and i just wasn't i was so anxious all the time i was crying all the time i would cry everywhere i didn't care i used to never cry and then i started crying everywhere i wasn't outgoing anymore i wasn't i just wasn't myself hi guys i'm at school and it's raining but basically today's the second day of school and i feel better i just like miss this person and i miss like the security and of having a relationship and um the routine that i that we made for ourselves i was thinking like part of me is like this is stupid that you're so sad like it's a high school relationship and i know that i know it's a high schoolership and i know that it's like whatever and i'm gonna get roasted for being overdramatic but um my feelings are hurt i'm just confused i just thought certain things that aren't true one of the dumbest things i thought was i loved how i could be myself around this person which was true but i've learned that that is such a stupid for lack of a better word mindset i should have been myself all the time i should have been myself around any people and now i feel like i am so unconditionally myself no matter where i am or who i need that you know there isn't just one person that i can be myself around because i am myself all the time and you want someone that brings out your best qualities but as far as being yourself you should feel like you are being your most authentic self all the time being authentic does not equal having a partner that loves you because the person that should love you is you i know all the things i'm saying are so cliche but they're true so i saw some snap memories and i'm gonna be sad because obviously like when you remember the good times you know that's your best friend gonna make you sad but um then i just got sad i did get over it because i realized that me and this person aren't the same people that we were when we started dating and even though we have the same like human chemistry a lot of our morals and personality traits are different so after going through a breakup it is good to assess the relationship and be like okay why is it a good thing that this happened for me like i said me and this person were two very different people at the end of our relationship also because the breakup i gained so much self-love and so much self-respect and i really was able to get back to the person who i felt like i wanted to be and the person who i was however i was only able to see this recently which was way after all of my emotions and stuff like that like i said healing is not linear and even though at this point i was doing better i still had a lot of hard times and here is an example of one of those times i don't even know if i'm gonna post this part but it's kind of embarrassing oh my god why the forehead vein is so upsetting i just thought of something really vulnerable that i told this person or that i experienced with this person that i've only ever told this person what hurt me the most at this point is that i was very vulnerable with this person and i feel like i said as though i was betrayed but i decided since then that i'm not gonna be vulnerable to just one or two people i'm gonna be vulnerable to like the universe which sounds cheesy and sounds stupid but i used to think that being vulnerable was something that made you weak or something that people could use against you and they definitely can but being vulnerable does not make you weak if anything being vulnerable makes you strong as and i think that's why i'm making this video to prove to myself that i can be vulnerable to everyone or to just the world in general not just one specific person a few things i want to say this will probably be one of my last documentations i think i'm ready to start putting together the actual documentary i think it's really funny that i thought i could just be done with how i felt and that i would never have another bad moment again i would never cry about it ever again and yep i'm done i'm just forcing myself to be done i'm forcing myself to end this healing process there was a lot of crying a lot of healing and a lot of self-love learning that was done after this clip most of it wasn't vlogged but i can tell you that the final thing that helped me completely heal was finally just letting go of this person completely this actually happened recently because i had to talk to this person because we were working on a class project together i hadn't spoken to my ex in person in a really long time so it was kind of weird but i really just want to get the project done so i said hey let's just be civil and i felt like i was really kind and mature about it because that's the kind of person that i wanted to be and i was met with unresponsiveness and what i can only describe as coldness and from that moment on it was kind of like oh this idealized version of this person that i had in my head is just that idealized it doesn't exist it's not real and so that version kind of shattered and i was just like oh this is reality like i cannot continue to let myself waste precious moments of my life over this like one day i was just sitting in math class and i was just like what the am i doing you know like i am literally wasting away days of my life being sad and being anxious over something that already happened and from that conversation from that point on i found solidarity in my own actions i found solidarity my own character regardless of how this person acted or what they did i was proud of handling the situation with kindness civility and maturity just like i said that i always would without needing that reciprocation from my ex anyways to conclude if you are going through a breakup of any type the best thing to do is give it time and find solidarity in yourself i went from crying every other day in my car in the school bathroom to loving so many aspects of myself and so many aspects of my life i am extremely proud of all the progress that i've made and even though there's so much work and self-love and learning that is gonna have to be done to become the person i wanna be that's always how it's gonna be but i've literally come so far and i'm so extremely impressed with myself for being able to do that i literally came from one of the worst places in my whole entire life to one of the best please check out the description for some resources that i use and videos and books and stuff like that i hope you guys enjoyed my documentation um like i said this is really scary to post but i think it's important so thank you for watching see you in the next video peace also subscribe and like the video you

Channel: Kaytlyn Jackson

Views: 123,895

Keywords: breakup documentary, breakup, documentary, breakup advice, breakup depression, breakup depression motivation, breakup diary, breakup documented, breakup tips, documenting my breakup, get over a breakup, glow up after a breakup, how to get over a breakup, how to heal from a breakup, how to move on after a breakup, how to move on from a breakup, get over your ex, how to get over your ex, how to heal from heartbreak, relationship advice, self love, short film, we broke up

Id: Xe1TlNvc3dk

Length: 25min 14sec (1514 seconds)

Published: Sun Apr 25 2021