One month of heartbreak, documented.

i am going through the worst heartbreak i have ever been through in my life [Music] i feel like i'm being punished for loving someone [Music] hi everyone it is saturday the something of july i have no idea actually no that's a lie i think it's the ninth yeah it's the night i've lost track of days and time and everything recently a lot has happened since we last spoke particularly this week um it's been a bit of a whirlwind to be honest i haven't really known what to film or say or anything this is the first time i've actually felt like picking up a camera in a while and honestly i just kind of like fell off the wagon with filming videos and things because my life kind of went to pot a little bit yeah we're gonna try and recover that as you can tell from the title of this video i am going through oh um one of the worst heartbreaks if not the worst heartbreak i have ever been through in my life josh and i have separated we separated it the weekend last weekend it honestly was one of the biggest shocks to me because we had been a little bit rocky but i didn't think it was anything that couldn't be fixed and for josh that wasn't the case and it's honestly genuinely been one of the worst weeks of my life i never expected one for all this to end and two that i'd ever feel like this about anyone and now it's all gone i can't believe i'm gonna upload this and cry on the internet oh sorry i'll collect myself so if you've seen any of my previous videos you'll know that josh and i lived together and we had a puppy and very very quickly we're now not living together and if you told me this time last week that this was gonna happen i honestly would have laughed in your face this isn't like a pity party or anything but i'm not only losing josh i'm losing friends and the house i am struggling with it to be honest because this was our home and being sat in here right now is really strange as you can see behind me it's like no furniture in here and it's all gone so we are moving back in with our family i'm really really grateful for my mum and dad for letting me go back there and stay with them for anyone wondering where raya is and what the situation is there she is with me she is mine and i am gonna do my absolute best to take care of her i have a lot of responsibility on my shoulders now oh here she is you're so big now aren't you you're so big you're still a little dog but you're still big she is an absolute rock for me she has been incredible and she is actually loving life living with my parents that's kind of where we are and i wanted to tell you guys obviously josh has been a big part of my channel and i'm really glad he wanted to be part of my channel and obviously i've shared a lot with you guys and you know we've we've done the whole like moving in vlogs and everything and i will leave them up because it is part of my life he just got way worse because my camera battery just died but that is what has been going on and that's what i wanted to tell you guys and honestly it has just been a nightmare basically and one that i really would like to wake up from i don't ever have any ill feeling toward josh i honestly couldn't care more about him and despite everything that has happened this week i wouldn't change anything from the past two years from our relationship it's been amazing and i've been very lucky to be able to have that in my life i have an anxious attachment style when it comes to relationship i often lose myself and kind of focus on making the other person happy rather than making me happy and i think that is part of the problem and i am excited to work on that and actually focus on me now okay i'm gonna like document as much as i can and stuff and videos and things will be back on a semi-regular schedule hopefully soon as you guys had a moving in tour i'll give you a moving out tour and if you want to see us moving in and everything and super happy like a year and a half ago i'll leave the moving vlogs down in the description but yeah this is the situation we're in now another situation that i have going on right now is the fact that not only am i moving everything into boxes here and taking it to my parents but there's a load of boxes of stuff at my parents so my old bedroom was literally just like a storage space and there are so many boxes in there i can literally just about get to my old bed i really don't want to leave this house i absolutely love it and i love that it's always so light and airy it's crazy because no one's living here literally neither of us live here and i'm honestly considering getting an airbed and sleeping here just to make use of the house for the money that we're paying for it hello hello everyone it is monday morning time is about half past 10 i think and i have just finished work had a really early shift this morning and i am done for the day which is quite exciting i actually really love these hours i thought i would hate them i am hungry and thirsty though i've had no breakfast so i've come to mcdonald's i've got a cheeky little coke and a flatbread and i'm just gonna sit and enjoy i just want like 10 minutes of just peace and quiet because guys do excuse the state of me i look horrendous i'm currently holding filler because i am putting some filler on the walls and on the doors and things i have just shown my friend round because she is looking to move out and rent a house and obviously our house would be perfect for her i sold the bed today so that's gone which is really strange um more gutted about the house than anything else to buy is because this was our home and i never thought i'd be leaving here like this hello everyone we're going to ignore the fact that i look like this it is the hottest day of the year it's literally like 37 degrees not the ideal weather to be moving furniture in if you can hear a fan in the background i apologize but i'm not doing anything about it because i'm way too hot to turn off if you live in the uk you know how i feel and if you don't live in the uk we're not built to deal with the heat we don't have air conditioning or anything most houses anyway in the uk don't have any of it because we're not built for this weather we're used to rain so this is the current state of my bedroom currently this is definitely progress because this room was full of boxes when i first tried to come in here the layout is changing a little bit i didn't want to go back to exactly the same because it would have literally felt like no time at all has passed really cannot wait to change these doors i'm hoping to get some sliding doors however take this box of stuff and unload it into my alex drawers and hopefully get all of that back in there and sorted and try and clear some space in this house hello everyone i have just gotten back from meeting my new team kind of at my new job which is very exciting i have got my apprenticeship and i've literally just been over and spent an hour with them they gave me a tour of the studio which is office and i love it i'm very very very excited but it's weird because i expected to do all of this and like i pictured talking to josh and telling him how excited i was and like how well it was all going and stuff and like going home and celebrating and all of this and now i go home and just unpack which is not really the same good afternoon everyone i have just gotten up and gotten dressed and put some makeup on because i barely got any sleep last night it was so hot it was ridiculous headspace is all over the place as always but i've been looking on airbnb at like random places i can stay in the next few days just to like get away from it all just have like a little retreat with me and raya that would be lovely but unfortunately there is like nowhere really available it's july everybody's on holiday everybody wants to get out and enjoy the uk weather so this is currently the state of my bedroom let's ignore how messy it is i also bought this with me and actually i'm really glad i made this at the start of the year because this is still very much my motivation this is like my little mood board if you haven't seen already there's a video of me creating this but some of this has already kind of come true dyed my hair this year and i do actually have a kink charles which i didn't expect to get this year but you know life happens and yeah i've got my little king charles but this is actually really good motivation because i took this down and thought oh this is pointless now and i was like actually there is nothing on here about relationships all of this is stuff to do with me i haven't really done as much as i'd hoped to do today i've kind of just been about the house here and moving my stuff around and i'm packing things and all of that sort of stuff spoken to someone from my new job and i am potentially looking at starting monday which is very exciting hello hello me and mom are headed on a road trip and we're going to ikea i found my new bed desk set up look at this got wardrobe in it shelves little desk oh to be five again i have found the drawers and things i want so we are now in the marketplace here which is dangerous because this is where i buy a load of things i don't need ikea shop done successfully loaded car and i'm knackered it is much later the time is like half our stay i've built most of the frame of my drawers i was literally building my drawers and i've been trying to like do it and get on top of it i've just like had enough and i was getting super stressed out and i just want my room done and i don't want to move anymore and i don't want to do any of this anymore i just want to go back to the way it was literally so done with all of this i just want this over so i feel like the weight of the what is on top of me right now he has destroyed me and he doesn't even care i feel like i can't explain it i can't explain what's happened because i don't want to cause any more all i wanna do is just explain what's going on because i feel so manipulated and i feel like i'm hiding so much from you guys stupidly out of respect for them even though they don't care i felt like i can't say anything honestly been the hardest two weeks of my life and it's it's not just a breakup i've lost friends and more importantly i've lost my home i've had to clear out my parents house before i can even get in there i've had to now go and buy a new furniture i've had to sell all our old furniture i'm the one asked to see the house empty like this wasn't my decision and it's so hard to handle i was so stupid because he'll probably watch this and laugh at me i'm supposed to be enjoying myself right now i've just got a new job i've got two new jobs i'm supposed to be like so happy because one of them i've waited for for so long and now it's all happened and i can't enjoy it and i can't be proud of myself because part of me hates who i am i feel like i don't deserve it and i've got such good friends around me and i'm so so grateful for them they are like my absolute rock and i really don't know what i'd have done if i was totally on my own these last couple of weeks like the people that i have stuck by me i'm so grateful for because they all know me and they know what i'm like and they know that all of everything that is being said about me isn't true it's really hit me i just want it all to go away i've not had a chance to just be by myself and like deal with it since this has happened because i've just been like thrown into moving and sorting my stuff out my parents stuff and like everything i've literally just had to deal with it all of it at once i don't wish this on anyone ever i feel like i'm being punished for loving someone oh i can't believe i'm doing this on the internet i literally have nothing here like if i'm sleeping here i'm sleeping on the floor like i'm not even joking this is my sad little set up on the floor i've got josh's old lamp and dressing gown that i'm gonna put over my feet some bedding that was left here um and a couple of blankets i brought over and the old cushions that we had on the sofa and then the bed and that is where i'll be sleeping tonight good morning everyone let's open these curtains it's been a while since i've opened these on a vlog i did sleep great last night i slept better than i expected to but this was my bed i literally slept on the floor i feel like a squatter in my own house right now i also want to point out one of the main things that's happened from the break up which is my weight loss um this is not healthy at all and not a good way to lose weight but why i've been so stressed out i haven't really eaten or slept or anything and it's taken a massive toll on my body and like this is me now this might not look much different to you i've got all this room in my shorts like that's crazy a bit weird but hey hey that is something that's happened throughout this breakup um and i thought i'd share that with you and all of this because i want it to be raw and real and honest and share what it's actually like for me right now and hopefully this helps someone if you're going through a similar thing because i'm hoping by the end of this video i can be like a month ago life was rubbish and it's been rubbish all month but i'm on the up now and things are getting better and this is why we should keep going so that's what i'm hoping to do with this video hi hi there we go that's better as you can see kristoff is here we are making the most of an empty house kristoff we have games and food and all sorts we're having a little sleepover hello hello everyone it is saturday i have half done my makeup as you can see kind of i am currently at my house and i have just got here and i am literally just about to finish off my makeup because half of my makeups at my parents for like going out makeup and half is here so i'm about to finish doing my makeup um and then head out for the evening with some friends in a shocking turn of events i'm home night out turned night in because i ended up just sitting and chatting with my friends instead that's a really echoey room every room i go in is like super echoey apart from this one this is um a bedroom so we ended up literally just sitting and chatting instead and we just went to our friend's house and just had a chill evening which was really nice me and chris had a sleepover last night um which is why i ended up getting the air bed because i thought you know what i'm just gonna stay here for a few days if not a week just to make the most of the house because we're paying for an empty house which just seems pointless to me i also wanted to show you my outfit because i bought this today well i bought one of these things today this is a little bodysuit which i've never had before i've never worn one and honestly i kind of love it it was literally six pounds so i just wanted to like share that in case anyone is looking for a bodysuit and doesn't know where to get one go to primark because they have some really nice ones for the first time in quite a while quite a while like two weeks um i felt confident in myself and i was ready to like go out and obviously we ended up just staying in but i felt more like myself again and for the first time in three weeks i feel like me which is nice it's just very weird i feel like my spark has gone and i feel like a walking shell at the moment i feel like all of my soul and energy and everything has just been sucked out of me good memory morning everyone it is sunday it is three weeks since me and joshua split now which is kind of crazy i've also emptied the glassware into this box here and bubble wrapped everything to try and keep it all together as best as i can considering it's been three weeks you think i'd be used to this by now but this doesn't get easier for me this really doesn't packing up all the stuff i bought for this house specifically and for us specifically doesn't get any easier welcome to the outside i have finished at the house and i am now on a walk with raya where is she there she is i'm gonna do a bit of training with her to start with and then me and chris are gonna take her to the beach which i am so excited for it's gonna be super fun you're gonna have a whale of a time she loves the beach and obviously [Music] do you think [Music] so why didn't you why didn't you call [Music] so many years has gone by [Music] but i think about you about you all the time looks like you're changing and all well why didn't you why didn't you call something in the air always something in the air [Music] can you feel me [Applause] [Music] watch me burn yes i fancy to drive and a thing to be honest after you've got back because it's not like i haven't just been driving and listening to music yeah but i want like a proper driving thing there's a difference you know yeah i your earplugs out i've just gotten back to my parents and i have had you can't even see me i have had a really really good day and really enjoyed it and for the first time in a while i feel like me again like reminding me that i'm still this person i can still have fun i can still go out i can still enjoy my life it's just a different way of enjoyment now so thank you chris and julia if you ever watch this um that was a really fun day to do the cleaning and stuff tonight and i haven't done nearly as much as i hoped it would and tomorrow is the last night and i just i didn't really want to stay here tonight um the only reason i was was because i wanted to get stuff done and i thought i'll just crash at like 2 a.m or something i'm mentally physically emotionally exhausted i have nothing left i'm so annoyed at myself because i felt like things were getting better and seeing him yesterday just made it 50 times worse and now i feel like i'm back to square one and i have to see him again and in order for me to not fall apart when i'm doing that i have to go to sleep he is getting everything he wants and he's happy and i'm getting nothing that i want and i am miserable and he literally came round to give me his key and i don't even know what i've done with he came in to give me his skin he said he was going to put it in that box and i asked for the string of battery to do the edges and those we was going to leave outside he knocked [Music] she couldn't know what this felt like the second you're not gonna panic hello hello it is friday i have had a really hectic day and there is a lot going on and tonight i am just in go mode i have to get the house sorted tonight um i need it all done and ready and i want it to be like spotless i just don't have the time or the energy to be worrying about it anymore um so tonight is my last night i'm in go mode i want to get on with it i want it done finished sorted and ready to hand the keys back tomorrow i'm trying not to get uh emotional and let my emotions get in the way of anything because obviously it's really sad that i have to leave and i absolutely love this house and it is the best thing ever um and it gave me so so much and i was really happy here for a very long time and i'm very lucky that i had that part of my life well i could cry about it all ending i'm also trying to look at the positives and being like this is a new start this is a new chapter i didn't own this house and i knew at some point i have to give it back i just didn't expect to do it like this but like i say i had a really good time here and my focus now is to get a place that is mine that nobody can take away from me that nobody can turn around and go do you know what you've got to leave and you can't have this pet unless you put permission in and you can't do this to it and put stuff on the walls unless you put permission like i don't want to live in a rented place anymore i want my own flat i want my own happiness and this is how i'm going to get it because i'm gonna be at my parents and i'm gonna be saving more money and at the time when things are just going up and up and up in price this is a very good time to not have a house to worry about that's the way i'm trying to look at it and tonight that is my focus and that is just what i have to get on with otherwise i'm gonna have a breakdown and get nothing done and i will not get my deposit back we're going in we're doing it i'm gonna show you the state of the place now and then hopefully in a little bit i'm not even gonna film this because i literally don't have time but in a little bit i'm gonna show you the progress and show you what's going on so let's do a tour firstly this is the state of the kitchen this has been the one room where i've been trying to like keep everything because i know that once all these surfaces and things are clear this was like one of the last things i have to do so i've got the drawers from the fridge here various bits and pieces all over the side um i did bring a kit kat with me i don't know where that's gone oh there we go that is my dinner for the evening along with a bottle of water which is not healthy at all but i literally don't have time all of this has been cleaned i've done all of that and in here and everything that's all cleaned and sorted and ready to go the only cover left to clean is this one the fridge is mostly done it's just the shelves to do in here and i'm just going to give the bottom bit a wipe out and everything got to clean the freezer that will need to do it my friend came around yesterday with a ladder and unfortunately it got mud everywhere so i have to sort this out now as well but luckily i haven't cleaned the floors and stuff yet again that's one of the last things i want to do this is all clean and tidy the only thing left to do in here is to clean the doors and the windows and things with some glass cleaner i can't even see it's too dark and to dust off the lampshades and things and then this room is done the downstairs toilet i did before that's all done and sources bedroom i have barely even touched to be honest i haven't cleaned this at all yet really um i've got to go around the skirting boards and things but i thought this i can leave until tomorrow morning oh the window cleaners are here woohoo hang on two seconds hi guys it has been a min and i am knackered um i've just popped over to my parents house if you can hear hoovering my mum's here she's helping me out i was going to stay here tonight but i'm not going to anymore just so that we could hoover the bedroom and just get on top of it so it's one less job tomorrow now i'm getting sad now it's night time me and mum have cracked on with the house and we are about to head back to theirs um [Music] this is really sad oh um got most of it done mum's waiting for me i gotta go we got most of it done um but there are some bits left to do still so we're going to come back and do that tomorrow oh this is literally the hardest thing i think i've ever done in my life this whole video sounds really dramatic but i never ever thought we'd be moving it out like this never so yeah it sucks but here we are we move morning oh yeah hi look at her she is obsessed what are you doing we did have a bit of a mare last night um my granddad ended up um having to call out paramedics and we weren't sure whether or not we were gonna have to go down and we still don't really know what's happening we haven't really heard from them me and my parents are obviously just waiting to hear because out of their three children we live the closest and we aren't even really that close so we'd have to be the people to obviously get down there quickest are you going to stop licking me ryan no okay oh bye then oh it's so hot it's 26 degrees why is it so hot i was not expecting this when i put jeans and a t-shirt on i'm off to my house to go and collect a strimmer and then i'll be heading to josh's to drop off this trimmer um and actually i thought i'd be really nervous about this and i'm really not i'm so prepared to see him now after the other day i'm like you know what this is on my terms now i can decide when i want to go over there and i know that i'm going to see him and i anticipate that there won't be anyone else other than his mum um and fingers crossed this goes okay and i don't even really have to see him to be honest other than to give the battery back but i can just put it all inside the gate if necessary so that's absolutely fine anyway let's go and get out of this boiling car well that was successful i didn't even end up seeing him so that went well they were clearly home i don't think he was but someone was definitely home um and they didn't answer the door to me so yeah that tells you a lot about that situation i guess isn't it this is it guys this is the last stint um we've had the chinese me and mum have just come back over and i've got the kitchen to finish in the hallway and then that is it we are done i am gutted um i can't believe about to say this but this is it i'm gonna miss this place so much i've been dreading today everywhere i look i look around different parts of the house and there's different memories associated with different things and like he's just walked away from it and he doesn't have to deal with any of this and it's all been left for me and i've got all the responsibility all of the cleaning all of the organizing with like sort of keys the talking to landlords like cheating with neighbors like everything is just being left to me i literally feel like the ground underneath me has just been pulled out and i'm just in free fall and i've been waiting for the bottom and i feel like once this house has gone that's the bottom i was expecting the end of this video to be like i feel better now i'm in a much better place nothing's happened since like it's fine and all that's happened is that because of the house i've just constantly been in it there's been no escape from it because i'm here all the time trying to sort it out i'm really sorry how many times have i cried in this video i don't cry in front of anyone let alone on the internet and this video has been something else my dad's phone to film wow i look incredible i'm using my dad's phone to phone because my phone died and my camera died which is really useful my camera is currently just in the car and my phone is on charge so hopefully that won't take too much longer um and then that is it for the house oh this is really weird guys i am literally on my lunch break at work and i thought i would just chat to you now while i've got a chance um because this video is going up tonight and it is one of the hardest things i think i've ever done is posting this and editing it because it was really hard to relive it and i spent all day yesterday editing it and like figuring out what i did want and didn't want in the video and most of it i did leave in because i was like you know what i'm probably not the only person going through it and i'm probably not the only person that feels like it my situation is unique in certain aspects but being in a relationship that you genuinely care about and genuinely would do anything to keep and then having it all disappear is quite difficult to deal with and i think i've shown that in this process especially when you've got other things involved like our house it is quite hard to navigate but it's done with now mostly apart from one final bill i am looking forward to just moving on and getting on with it now i'm literally on my lunch break and i am loving my job i have loved this morning it's gone really well um touchwood this afternoon goes really well as well and i am sat with a view currently looking great i'm just focusing on myself now and trying to be happy and move forward um you can't change the past and you can't rewrite the way things have gone but you can focus on the future and you can control that and that's what i'm trying to do now so yeah hopefully you guys have enjoyed this video um it has been a complete and utter whirlwind but i will hopefully resume normal video scheduling soon and i am going to be posting a lot more frequently with like my healing journey and doing things on my own and working on self-love and motivation and all of it because i just want to dive into caring about myself now i've spent so long trying to care about other people and have it all thrown back at me so i'm gonna focus on myself now because whether people like it or not you are the most important person in your life and if you're not happy then that's all that matters and obviously other people's happiness is important but you cannot spread yourself too thin you cannot give too much of yourself to other people because they will take it for granted and that is one of the biggest lessons i have learnt recently and i am so excited to get on with my life now and working here and being here and everything is step one in that process basically and i'm very happy about it so yeah i just wanted to talk to you guys while i had 10 minutes and if you do want to see more of like my healing journey and stuff and a little bit more of the like raw and real side then that is going to be going up on my tic toc as well i have posted a video on there already and i just want to say thank you for the comments and things that i have got on that that have been super supportive because it was quite an emotional video this feels a bit weird now i've talked about all that but if you did enjoy this video please do give it a big thumbs up that was probably someone i work with that probably thinks what the hell is she doing do comment down below letting me know any tips you've got to get over heartbreak because as happy as i seem now i am still very much in it and feeling it and it has only been a day really since i've not had the house and it's very very strange so if you do have any tips on dealing with that i would really appreciate it and i'm sure other people would as well subscribe if you want to see more from me and see the journey going forward and i will see you all very very soon thanks guys bye

Channel: Emily Gordon

Views: 19,808

Keywords: break up, break up advice, break up vlog, breaking up with someone, breakup, breakup advice, broken heart, depression, documenting heartbreak, get over a breakup, get through a breakup, getting over a breakup, healing, healing from a broken heart, heartbreak, heartbreak vlog, heartbroken, how to get over a break up, how to get over a breakup, how to heal, mental health, moving on, self care, self love, we broke up, we broke up david and liza, we broke up liza and david

Id: u0rbSUem-Lk

Length: 34min 57sec (2097 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 09 2022