I Divorced My Husband, This is How God is Helping Me Heal... (Testimony)

i start noticing that something's off there  was a feeling of like just pick up his cell   phone and so i did and then i see this  message from this girl and it was like   oh i had an amazing time with you the other day  something along those lines and i was like what   i feel like my like my everything just  like shattered my everything just like   crumbled and i remember being told like you don't  cook if you don't clean if you don't look good   your man will leave you that was told to me on  my wedding day by a family member i cooked clean   i didn't gain weight you know i tried to be  presentable all the time i was so fixated with   having everything be perfect that i didn't realize  that there were some things that were missing i started going to church  when i was five years old and   in our home essentially there was a lot of like  alcoholism there's a lot of verbal physical abuse   growing up i was just like in that and as a kid i  can remember sitting here and feeling just scared   and just something was off especially because  my older brother he was very sick so my parents   would spend a lot of time working and taking  care of him in the hospital and i would just be   so you have alcoholism parents are gone stress  because my mom was relatively young when she   had us and there's like a lot of yelling and then  there's me who's just there and i remember i had   a conversation with my mom and she was telling  me how because of my brother's health issues   her age and my dad's alcoholism and stuff that  when she found out she was pregnant with me she   was actually told not to have me you know my  theos were telling her to like you know have   an abortion and this and that and my mom said no  that's the first time where her and i were able   to talk and i can remember being like okay god  had something planned for me it was just a very   difficult upbringing because when  you're going around from home to home   you really don't feel like you have a stable place  you don't feel safe and that was kind of like   my cycle throughout my entire life and i remember  there would be a couple times where we would sleep   in um dunkin donuts on 355 is much smaller now  but it used to be really big we would sleep there   sometimes because my dad would get wasted and he  would lock us out unintentionally so that feeling   of just never being in a solid place has stuck  with me and i remember being picked on a lot   when i was in middle school and still not  feeling like i belonged or like there was   a place or anything like that because my  parents you know latinos dad's working   in like a service industry my mom's a housekeeper  and there is a couple times where like the kids   at school because it was a predominantly white  school they would call me uh a maid's daughter   and i got into a couple of fights because of it  because that's not what i was going to identify   with but i was also very confused because i didn't  know anything i was like here are these people   putting this label on me and i didn't fit in with  them because they saw me as a maid's daughter   i also didn't fit in with the gohard brown  crowd the latinos because i wasn't born in   the motherland so once again i'm having this  thing of like where do i belong where do i fit in   i was going to church but i really was just going  to go i really didn't know what that that meant   and what that really like looked like so you know  here we are going through all this stuff and life   is still happening life is still going on i'm a  little bit older now and i'm realizing okay guys   are starting to notice me they're starting to like  pay attention to me and i knew biblically sleeping   around was bad you know i knew that like having  sex before marriage was bad but i didn't know that   if i bared my my feelings my emotions to you that  that was just as bad so any guy that would listen   to me i would like latch on and i'd be like  telling them like my story and and this and   that and then there would be a moment of like  feeling protected there'd be a moment of feeling   like this um acceptance of feeling love but it  came with something it came with the expectation   that i was going to sleep with them and since i  didn't i was rejected i was tossed aside and so   those feelings like kind of like would come back  again and i did that a lot throughout my like   middle school and like high school time that in  high school i finally i think it was probably my   sophomore year i met my high school  sweetheart i was sharing with him like   you know my life and stuff and he was there and  he was consistent and and he was protecting me   you know from other people that were like  picking on me because i got picked on a lot   and i was like okay this guy is like legit like  he's real then we started dating i remember a   year into dating i was like okay he's not going  anywhere so this is great and i slept with him contrary to what i grew up knowing knowing what  the bible said but not necessarily like feeling it   and he still stuck around so i was like oh this  is like real cool like this is like legit like   this is a class-act kind of guy so class-act  that during my senior year became homeless and i   started living in my car for a bit and um how did  that happen at the time we were living my mother   and i were living in someone's apartment and the  lease was under that person's ex-spouse's name   and when they found out that we were living there  they had the locks and everything removed and   literally in one day we had to throw everything in  trash bags and we had to get out my brother went   to his friend's house i think my mom went to her  friend's house and when it came to me they were   like you have a place to go and i said yes because  there was no place there was no space where they   were going and that night i called my uh high  school sweetheart and i was like yo i was like   this is what just happened i was like i don't know  what i'm gonna do i don't know where i'm gonna go   and so he was like okay let's let's see what we're  gonna figure out i never found a place to stay so   what i did was i parked my car in his neighborhood  and i had a honda civic crx it's this little car   two-seater hatchback didn't have a back seat  this guy's like six two like football player   he slept in the passenger seat while i slept in a  driver's seat to make sure that i was okay because   i wouldn't go in his house even though i had  already slept with him there was something i was   like i just i just can't like and i couldn't set  foot inside of his house some of his guy friends   from the football team were like gee we got you  you know come stay and i was like i can't like i   wanted to stay with a girl i wanted i don't know  why but i couldn't so that's basically how like   i became homeless and it was like that up until my  freshman year of college and that was really hard   because you're talking about somebody who's like  taking a shower at montgomery college and as   that's like happening like my now like knight in  shining armor ends up cheating on me so i was like   great like you you've been so legit you've been  like there you've been protecting you've been like   emotionally involved in all of these things and  you know you stepped out you did you so once again   all that like feelings of rejection worthlessness  whatever starts piling on and okay let me let me   see what this god thinks about so i pray a little  bit whatever and i'm kind of like on that track   then i'm in class and i meet this guy and once  again six two white guy comes in and i'm like okay   he looks good we sit down we have an assignment we  have to do together we exchanged numbers and our   first conversation was three hours long about  god it was supposed to be homework but we're   talking about god so i find out he's a christian  and everything i'm like all right legit but   so i was so excited i'm like okay god like do  you like want me to date this guy or what and   i was like nah let's just be friends time's going  by and he's like pursuing me but i'm like no we're   just friends we're just friends he takes me to his  church and everything so then we start dating and   his family was so embracing and so accepting and  so loving because mind you at this time i'm still   homeless but they don't know i think at this  point i had gone from a friend's house to like   a room in a basement and then i ended up with my  mom and i was so embarrassed i was so embarrassed   i was like i'm not gonna let anybody know and the  subject came up when he's like why don't we ever   hang out at your place like why are we always  at my house and i was like oh you know and i   i played it off and then one time he's like  you know i'd like to go to your house talk to   your mom whatever and i was like crap i was like  okay well let me just explain to you my situation   and so i explained how i was living in a room and  a basement apartment now i just had like a bed   and a desk and my mom was on the other side like  it was really really small and i'm like all right   this is it this guy's going to be like whatever  i'm not getting involved i'm not messing with this   because when i first went to his house  like i pulled up and his house was big like   it's what you see in like the movies and when i  pulled up what it reminded me of was the house   and home alone like the really big fancy  kind of house and i'm like what am i doing   and i was so embarrassed especially when  he went back and he told his parents   and i was like there's no they're not gonna  want their son to date like this chick who like   has a room a hole in the wall kind of thing um  but i was wrong i didn't have sheets and like a   comforter and so they went out and they bought  me like this beautiful set and i was like wow   they started becoming like my family you know  because there was so much instability my entire   life there was so much stuff and here this these  people are that like are accepting me loving   on me and like providing for me in a way that  honestly unfortunately my parents couldn't so   that like i started to feel good i started to feel  worthy i started to feel like accepted and loved   and next thing you know five years later we're  still dating and i'm like the daughter that   this family never had like they were so  gracious with me and i graduate college   i think it was a couple months after  i graduated like he ended up proposing   i was like whoa okay like this is like really  happening you know and we got married three months   after he proposed to me because we had been dating  for so long and pretty much like his parents my   parents everybody was on board like they were  okay with it and i was like all right cool   got married and everything seems  cool everything seems fine until   i start noticing that something's off and  essentially there was a feeling of like just   pick up his cell phone and so i did and then i  see this message from this girl and it was like   oh i had an amazing time with you the other  day something along those lines and i was like   what so like my like my everything just  like shattered my everything just like   crumbled and i remember being told like you don't  cook if you don't clean if you don't look good   your man will leave you that was told to me on  my wedding day by a family member so i cooked i   cleaned i didn't gain weight you know i tried to  be presentable all the time i was so fixated with   having everything be perfect that i didn't realize  that there were some things that were missing   and in making a home because all that just doesn't  really matter you know it's important but it's not   key so we started having some discussions and  things being said and i didn't realize that   my trauma of growing up in an alcoholic  verbally abusive and physically abusive home   i didn't realize how it came into my marriage  because we would have discussions the way i would   say and approach things was not in a positive way  i am sad to admit that um i was verbally abusive   um and that's how it kind of handled discussions  and i didn't realize how i stripped him   of being a man and of his pride not  does that excuse what he didn't know   because he continued to do it he wouldn't talk  to me anymore he wouldn't like be affectionate   like all the things that i like literally fell  in love with like just stopped and he told me   if i would have met her first i never would  have married you that was like how do you   come back from that you know like i remember my  response because there's a lot of cursing involved   and i i literally just was like i can't  believe you and i just like stepped up to him   and you know he's six four and i'm  not six four and i got in his face   and it was just like venom like i'm just spitting  out venom because you had just one of the worst   things that you could say to me and in that  moment i don't know exactly what happened   but i remember being down and i remember him  being like on me and it was hard to breathe   just because of the weight of his body weight  he wasn't doing anything it was just like his   body weight was on me i remember it was hard to  breathe and i remember saying i couldn't breathe   and then that's when he's like die bpdp you  know dies and i was like okay like something's   got to change so at that point like i didn't  tell my family what was going on they didn't   know all of this because i was going to keep  it under wraps the best that i could they knew   about the cheating but the fact that it had  gotten now physical they didn't have an idea   so i remember speaking to at that point i was  going to a church i was going to his church   and i spoke to like the elders and they were  like it's it's time it's like in your face it's   blatant it's now getting physical like it's time  to go because after that six months when he first   cheated i i stayed for a year trying and trying  and trying and trying and trying and i packed   my stuff i called my in-laws and i don't know why  i called them first and i was like hey i gotta go   this is what just happened i'm like oh you're  okay and i'm like no i'm not okay and i said if   you don't come now something really bad's gonna  happen so they hurried up they came they got me   and they took me to my parents house and my  parents are just in shock and it was just this   weird weird exchange and here i am going  back and being like whoa i had just said   not that long ago that like i wasn't  gonna have to move i wasn't anything it   all the things that we had gotten together for  from our wedding i left it i left everything   except for two suitcases so i'm starting over  again it sucked my saving grace was just realizing   that at least my parents they could take me in at  this point that was with my parents and it took a   long time to feel good as i'm like in the thick  of it and like back at home with my parents and   it still wasn't a completely stable environment  at 26 there were some stuff and some issues   that were still happening from when i was  a kid like the verbal abuse was still there   between my folks and it was just like now i'm  an adult and i'm in it and i'm now having to   play referee like i'm trying to heal from one of  the most devastating things that happened to me   i'm playing referee so i left i found a basement  apartment and start talking to my ex-husband   and we essentially start dating we had to come to  jesus moment where we were able to apologize and   forgive one another and i asked forgiveness and i  said it was just it's still very hard to say like   i was verbally abusive and i had the opportunity  to apologize and when i was forgiven for that that   was a huge release for me and i realized the power  that words hold and it's funny because people that   know me now they would not know that part about me  they would be like but you love so well like you   encourage and and you always have something like  nice to say or like you know it's just so positive   and i'm like that's because i had to really  work on that and make an effort and know that   what i speak is like life and death you know  and i hurt somebody that i really cared about   so having him forgive me was on that part was  like really good and i i was able to forgive him   for what had happened and we're like okay we're  going to tell our families that we're dating   i was a little skeptical because i was really  nervous and then all of a sudden he disappears   i get ghosted um he ends up getting somebody  pregnant as we were trying to reconcile   so yet again here we go through the spiral  again and i'm like man and now gizelle are   you hearing from god in this time i wasn't  not at this point not about the relationship   whether or not to reconcile because i didn't even  handle that in the way that god would have wanted   me to and i didn't pray about it i was still in  the mindset of like if i could restore my marriage   it's like it could be restored be great but i  was still trying to do it on my own right so when   he got this woman pregnant i was like all right  like i i can't i have nothing else and i really   started seeking god and being like okay i'm like a  rock bottom like i can't go anywhere else you know   and that's when i actually really started  to like pray and like really started   uh reading my bible and like going to church and  journaling like journaling like all the time like   everything i was feeling everything that was on my  mind the ways that we would like communicate with   one another god and i would just be through like  worship like i could be going through something   and i'd put like a worship song on and it would  be the exact words that like i needed to hear   and during that time it was a lot of you're loved  you're worthy like you're accepted you're valued i   don't know exactly when it was but i had a moment  where i asked for forgiveness and i was like god   i'm sorry that i made my ex and his family the  number one in my life because i literally like   going from not having anything to having people  that are feeding you anything that you like they   will give you just because you said you liked  it yeah it's like here you go and you've never   had that before i don't even know how to describe  it like that the way that they loved and provided   became such a thing for me that i i made it my  all and i know now of course i didn't know that   but i know now that like i put an  unrealistic expectation on my ex too   of having to provide and to care and to like deal  with all the trauma that i didn't know was really   trauma because nobody taught me i didn't know  about that then you know it's not something that   like i talked about in church or hadn't gone to  counseling or anything counseling came afterwards   it came after like the separation you know  talking about trauma is something i think   that's now talked about more so i talked about  it in counseling i talk about my people at church   my my community i didn't know about that stuff  then it's nice to know this now i wish i would   have known it then but i know that in all of  that like god has something and there's been   things that have been spoken into my life  about the things that i've gone through   and how that's gonna like shed light for other  people or help other people and i'm like okay   only if it's of god do i want it if it's  not because i've done so much on my own   and it didn't result the way i wanted it to that  i don't i don't want to keep going down that   road you know what what is the lord really  teaching you today and and what can we say   what can you say that he has taught you  looking back at that relationship what is   what is he teaching you what he's taught me  is without him being in the middle of it and   being my number one it's not gonna work i can't  put my trust in man i've gotta put it in him   that's that's the main thing that i've learned  and that the lies from before have been quieted   and they've been replaced with the truths now you  know about how he feels about me how he's there   for me and consistent and not looking back because  it's hard to to like see things when you're like   in it yeah but looking back even though those were  like some really trying times i've had visions of   him keeping me protected i can see where his  hand was in my life that now this journey of   healing probably like real real solid healing  started maybe eight months ago six eight months   ago whenever we were allowed to come back from  the pandemic i'm actually dealing with those past   traumas and dealing with those past things  where i'm in a place where i feel lighter i feel   i don't know how to completely explain how i feel  other than apparently my countenance has changed   to my family and my friends and they're seeing  what god is doing and i don't have that like   hopelessness and that that stuff from before  it's i don't know how to describe it but it's   just like a completely different feeling you  know he's brought me a long way and i'm i'm i'm   happy about it and i'm happy that i actually  like myself i hated myself for a long time yeah how was that process and and what did he have  to show you in order to remove that that how you   used to see yourself i don't i don't know exactly  if what i'm going to say makes sense or not but   he's just shown me by actually placing me in  an environment where i'm seen for me and i'm   actually seeing i'm seeing for me i'm not seeing  for anything that i'm bringing to the table or   what i'm doing for somebody you know it's like i'm  actually accepted just the way i am walking in the   door and i have a community now of people who are  rallying behind me just me and are pouring in love   into me without any expectation there's no gifts  there's no nothing being exchanged except for   like prayer or something or like a genuine  friendship and relationship it's something   that i i've needed and he's telling me like  you don't need to perform you don't need to   look this way you don't need to do that because  i love you and i am still providing for you these   past couple of months what he's done in my church  life in my work life and my finances it's like   i'm here i'm consistent i'm steady you're  not alone and i'm like yeah i'm actually   believing that i like looking at myself  in the mirror now and not being like   you suck you're terrible you know it's like no  i'm happy to be alive today i'm happy to smile   i'm happy to sit here and make someone else  smile a lot of times i'll walk around with   a big goofy smile on my face in the past it  was hiding a lot of pain and a lot of stuff   but now it's genuine like menace to the corazon  like it just comes naturally like it's just there   to the point i almost got kicked out the other  night for laughing so loud and being so happy   at a restaurant you know like i'll take that  you know sorry not sorry but i'll take that giselle if we could put it in a  nutshell what what can you say the lord   has done what can you say jesus has done in your  life looking back at all of these uh these years   he's done a lot but he's kept me safe and he took  me from from rags to riches essentially you know   from not having to having because i do  feel blessed i do feel rich right now   and it's not with like goods or anything  like that but like i feel rich and i can   actually see my blessings and be extremely  thankful for them what's your relation uh   your relationship with your parents it's a good  relationship however god's been telling me that uh   they're not my responsibility because i take care  of them i don't know if i want to say like above   and beyond if that's the right way to say it  but like too much i i need to like pull back   and actually it was a couple months ago he  was just like hey i got them just like i got   you i got them you need to release them i think  it's almost like a codependency kind of thing for for anybody gizelle who who has gone through  a divorce that may be watching or maybe it's   going through a divorce right now um and maybe  feels that hopelessness what what can you say to   to women right now who are are watching your  testimony i understand it's one of the hardest   things but god is right there you may not see  him you may not feel him you may not hear him   but trust me he is there he is guiding every  single step he is with you he he sees the   tears he feels the tears he's catching the  tears and you are not alone and if it's just   god help me today god i can't he honors that  yeah because if that's all that you can say   and you're still taking it to him in full  surrender he'll meet you where you're at any last words result that you want to  offer to to people watching your testimony   just stay encouraged as hard as it is stay  encouraged the best way that you can seek the   father out because that is going to be your only  way that you will get through all of these things   all of the feelings all of the pain everything  that comes along unfortunately with sitting   here getting a divorce i didn't have children  but having children is even harder you know   so yeah just just surrender whatever  you can bring it to his feet

Channel: Delafé Testimonies

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Id: okO6LFLIrrM

Length: 26min 24sec (1584 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 30 2022