4 Ways Childhood Impacts Your Love Style | MedCircle MasterClass

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Lots of unhelpful drama in this sub lately. I wanted to share the video that started my deep dive into attachment theory a year ago.

Hope this is genuinely helpful to you.

👍︎︎ 3 👤︎︎ u/camelCaseCadet 📅︎︎ Nov 27 2022 🗫︎ replies
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- So attachment theory is all about how we establish that relationship with our primary caregivers and whether or not that establishment is healthy or not. And how that influences how you function as a child, both mentally and physically, and again, pervades into your adulthood in career, in love, in friendships and every other aspect of your life. (soft monotonous music) - Dr. Judy let's define secure attachment. - Okay. So a securely attached child in the original Mary Ainsworth study is a child who, when they separate from the parent, they do show some distress. They're and a little bit stressed out, but they're still able to kind of sooth themselves to some degree. And then once the parent comes back, they're so excited to see the parent, they give the parent a big hug. And then after that reunification, they go back to playing on their own and then seem relatively happy. And as adults, they tend to be more comfortable in relationships overall. They're able to communicate their needs. They're able to be independent, but at the same time, also get close to people without much problems. And just in general, people say that they're probably the best type of person to have any kind of relationship with. - When the child is having their mother leave and reuniting, what age range is that? - In the Mary Ainsworth study, it was usually between seven to eight months to about two years. And that's because in attachment theory, we believe that at about seven months, the infant starts to become very discriminately attached to one or two primary caregivers in their life. And so they were really testing the strength of that specific bond, as opposed to when a baby is younger than that, it's a little bit more indiscriminate. Meaning you might see a lot of people and you know, you kind of hang out with everybody. It's not a big deal. You don't have as much of that close knit bond with a couple of people in your life until a little later. - What are some other signs that a parent might be facilitating a secure attachment style into their child? - Well I think in general, it's really about a parent who can be available for the child's emotional and physical needs. As mammals and as human beings, we can't take care of ourselves at that age. And so it's really important that we feel like we have a secure base to return to. So, you know, when you are a very good parent and establishing secure attachment in your babies, it's really about kind of being around, but still letting them explore. But then when they want to come back to you for nurturing or hug, you're around. If they're hungry, they can come to you and you're going to give them food, you know. So it's really about being available to your child, but not necessarily over-burdening them with a ton of affection and not letting them go, 'cause that actually doesn't develop strong resilience skills in your child. So it's more about kind of being around when your child needs you, but also not being overbearing. So, feeling good about those moments where your child is playing independently and not thinking, oh, I should be over there and being a good mom right now. You might be being a good mom by letting them go do that alone. - Exactly. And it's really about having a combination of the two. So sometimes you're playing with your child, sometimes you're not, but you're in the same room or you're in the next room and you're available to your child when they need you. - Yes. Can anyone really have a secure attachment style? Like I don't, I think, I'll find out later that my personality dictates that I did not have a secure attachment style growing up. But I think I had a great childhood. - Yeah, yeah I agree. And I think that, you know, in general, it's this sort of idealized, idealized type of parenting almost. You know, I think in the Western hemisphere, we also talk about what we call authoritative parenting, right. So authoritarian would be a super bossy parent. A permissive parent is like one that has no rules. And then the authoritative parent is somebody who somehow spans the middle. They kind of, you know, dictate things when they need to, but also allow you to conversate with them and be flexible with negotiations. But that's not a parenting style that is embraced by all of the world. In certain parts of the world, the parent is the power structure in the family and you should just do what they say. And those kids come out fine also, right. So I think that's kind of what you're talking about is like certain families or certain cultures. I'm not just talking about ethnic groups, I'm talking about all kinds of cultural groups. Maybe the idea of a secure mother or secure attachment mother isn't really the true ideal. Maybe you can develop very well, even though maybe your attachment is more on the avoidance side, right. And so I think that there's some arguments about that and there's certainly criticisms about the original ideas of attachment and what that secure attachment really even means. And so I think it's a really good point. And I think that while, while it may be something that isn't necessarily the gold standard, certain aspects of what we call a secure person is good. You know, this idea of being able to be flexible. Like you can be independent on your own, but you're also not overly codependent, but you also can be close to people without feeling discomfort. Those are, I think, really good things for everybody to strive for. - Of course. How does a parent foster more of that secure attachment within their child, especially when the child is showing really intense anxiety and almost a temper tantrum when that parent leaves? - Yeah. And this is a good question because there is an interaction between the parents and the child's temperament, right. So temperament is something that we think of as a innate. You know, certain children, they're just more smiley. They just make more eye contact with people around them. Other children are not, they're more fussy. And these things relate to temperament. It's sort of thought to be something that's kind of in-born. And so I think in general, parents sometimes foster, whatever they see in front of them. So if there's a child whose temperament is more clingy and anxious, perhaps the mother will also reflect more anxiety. Like, oh my gosh, are they going to be okay on their own? Maybe I shouldn't go out on date night with my husband because what if my child needs me. But actually in some ways that reinforces the anxiety in your child, right. Because children are actually quite intuitive and they can sense emotions in their caregivers, right. And so I think it's interesting because when you see that dynamic, you can kind of see that almost it's like a chicken and an egg syndrome after a while. So what's really happening here. And so I think as parents, you have to monitor your own feelings, irrespective of your child's temperament in some ways. It's sort of like, okay, the child is acting very anxious, that brings up a lot of anxiety in me. So in some ways you have to modulate your own emotions and appear more calm, so that the child can really learn from that and say, oh, maybe there's nothing to be anxious about. I need to start to learn how to self-sooth those feelings. And so I think some of it is parents being really in tune to that and still maintaining structure, despite your child's temperament. - What are some memories that people would have that would indicate that they grew up with parents who really fostered that secure attachment style? - I think when children have memories where maybe they broke an arm and their parents took them to the hospital right away and. - Who, but what parents are waiting? - You know, you would be surprised. - Really? - And I think maybe that is something that borders on trauma for some people, when they recall, for example, them having a fever and their parents are like, well, let me finish up this one meeting, and then we'll go to the hospital. Even those things that don't seem that harmful. Like a parents just like, well, it's a fever, they can wait 30 minutes. Let me just finish my meeting. Children remember that forever. And they remember you as somebody who didn't meet their needs when they needed you. Or, you know, parents who, for example, foster memories in children where, you know, hey walk them to school. And then the child was a little bit afraid of the door. Like I don't want to leave. And the parents are like, you know what, we'll be right here. We'll wait out here for about 20 minutes. And you go in and we'll see how you do. And then like, if you don't come back in 20 minutes then we'll leave. Just this idea of I'm still here, but I still want you to develop yourself as an individual. And I think that sometimes children will reflect those types of experiences. My parents walked me to school, but then like they left me there, and then they came and checked on me during lunch, and then they left again. You know, so this idea of checking in with your child to make sure that you're available for them when they really need you. - So how does a parent walk that line then, between creating secure attachment and checking in with their child and not going over to now I'm helicoptering and I'm overbearing and I'm actually creating more bad? - I think so much of it is about how the parent exhibits their own emotions. So, you know, again, and like, are you okay, are you okay? And they're starting to act very anxious. That's a different message for the child than just, hey, I just popped by during my lunch break to see how you're doing at lunch. And then everything seems fine, so I'm going back to work. You know, that very casual check-in that seems very emotionally stable. I think is really helpful for kids. - Yeah. Kids really do pick up on that. - [Jody] Don't they? It's crazy. - My nephew fell a couple of weeks ago when I was visiting him. He fell and he, like man he hit his chin right on the ground. And my react, my initial instinct was to go, oh man ouch. But I knew if I did that, he would start crying. So when he fell, I made that face. He didn't see it. And I go, nice job. All right, now, can you stand up? And he stands up. And I go, cool, now bring me that ball or whatever we were doing. And he totally forgot about it. - He's fine. - But if I would have made that reaction big, he would have reacted big. - Totally. - Yeah. - Yeah. - What are some typical behaviors of someone with this attachment style once they're an adult? - Okay. So in romantic relationships, they tend to be able to judge each relationship for that relationship alone, instead of having like a one-style pattern for coping. So, you know, they can deal with people's idiosyncrasies in flexible ways. They seem to be more comfortable with close, closeness in relationships, but also they can be independent too. If you leave them alone or if you don't see each other for a few days, they're fine also. They're not overly distressed when they're by themselves. And even if they've had bad relationships, they're still able to gather themselves up and move on to the next one after a period of grief. As opposed to completely becoming this person who, you know, says, well, all men are bad, I might as well not have relationships. You know, things that are very dismissive and black and white. Those are more characteristic of insecure attachment style. Somebody who's secure, you know, when they have disappointments, they learn their lessons and they move on. And even in their careers, they tend to be that way too. So they tend to be able to work in jobs that are independent, but also they can work in teams and they don't, they don't get too distressed by being in a team. You know, the closeness of a team, the fact that you have to be together a lot. And in friendships as well. They tend to be good friends, meaning that they are communicative with their friends. They're not passive aggressive in their communication. If they're upset about something, they can be assertive about it. I mean, this is why it's so funny because I feel like secure attachment is like idealist-- - Sounds wonderful. - Thing, right. It's like how many people are doing that on every given day? I think most people probably falter here and there. But I think the general template of a securely attached person is, you know what, they can deal with disappointments. They'll still be sad, they'll still have problems. But they're not going to have this huge reaction towards it that seems like an overreaction or a black and white coloring of some sort, where you kind of just judge something immediately and you don't move forward and you feel held back maybe by some of your past experiences. - Yeah. I'm going through the roster of everyone I know, and I think there's only one person that kind of follows that, that I know. The rest of us we struggle. We don't show up every time and nail it perfectly. - Totally. - How does a secure attachment style impact friendships? - Well, I think a secure attachment style impacts friendships in the way that a good friend is somebody who is available to you when you need them and you have that reciprocal relationship. And so that's really what a securely attached person is like in a friendship. They're very reciprocal. Like they're happy to give, but they also take some times, you know. And there are certain enough to ask for what they need. Sometimes people who, you know, insecure attached, they might actually be extremely clingy in a friendship, or maybe they're even very dismissive in a friendship. Where when somebody has a more emotional need, they kind of run away from that friend. A securely attached friend doesn't run away from emotions, but they're also not overly emotional. So they don't get into it with you so deeply in the trenches where it feels like your identities are starting to fuse. I mean, they still have their own identity and they maintain that identity while still being able to support you. - Yes. Excellent. Any final words on secure attachment style? - Yeah. I think in many ways when we talk about secure attachment, it kind of sounds that we're talking about this ideal. And I really think that securely attached individuals will still have problems. So it's not so much that they don't ever have problems, but it's just that they show up to their problems in an authentic way. And they have a very flexible way of utilizing their coping strategies. In general, securely attached people are just more resilient. They're more resilient mental health wise, and they're more resilient physically. So we find that people who have secure attachment, they have less chronic illnesses, and when they do, they have less severe chronic illnesses. And in terms of their mental health, they tend to be able to cope better whenever they have depression or anxiety. And they are also at less risk for more severe mental health conditions. So it is a great thing when you are somebody who is truly securely attached. - All right, well let me ask you this, before we move into our next session then. Can somebody who was raised with something other than secure attachment grow up and change into, and start behaving as though they were raised with a secure, securely attachment family? - I think you can develop a different type of attachment as you get older. So that's why it's so important to know, because when you are aware of your attachment issue, if you know that it's a difficulty. Then when you work on it, you can actually start to gear yourself more authentically towards a securely attachment person. And I actually have seen so many people start with insecure attachment and over their lives develop more resilience and become more securely attached and be able to express that 99% of the time. (soft monotonous music) - Dr. Judy, what is a dismissive avoidant attachment style? - So the dismissive avoidant attachment style in the Mary Ainsworth study, they showed very little distressed when their primary caregiver left, kind of just kept playing by themselves. And then when the primary caregiver returned, they kind of acknowledged them, but they kind of also didn't run to them, really. They just sort of kept doing their own thing. And oftentimes they might even be sort of indiscriminate in terms of their affection towards their primary caregiver versus maybe the stranger that was in the room during this experiment. And as adults dismissive avoidant types tend to be highly independent. They're highly industrial, meaning that sometimes they're workaholics and they don't love intense emotion. When somebody shows a lot of intense emotion, whether it's a partner or a friend, they tend to kind of go away from that a little bit. They kind of make an excuse to not get too involved. And generally they are really comfortable being by themselves and they tend to invest less in their emotional life, and also in deeper attachments to people than the average person. - You've just explained me. That was a biography of myself. - You're like, and that's Kyle. - So does that mean my parents had this, likely, had this same attachment? - Well, it's interesting because as the parents, what they communicate oftentimes, when they raise a more dismissive avoidant child, is that you probably shouldn't express your negative emotions. That maybe that's a sign of weakness in some way that you really shouldn't do it because people might take advantage of you, if you express too many of your negative emotions. So they weren't rewarding their children for expressing emotions, especially negative ones. That could be a possibility. When a parent is more authoritarian with more boundaries in between, the parent versus a child, especially in terms of their emotional communication that could lead to a more dismissive avoidant attachment. Or parents who are highly industrial themselves, parents who were workaholics, they instilled that type of a value in their child. So their child also then prioritizes things like work and productivity over relationships. So it's not all bad. - [Kyle] Yes. - Yeah. - Can someone with dismissive avoided attachment do really well with somebody else who has the same attachment? - Yeah, I think so. And they tend to do really well with securely attached people too. But you know what a dismissive avoidance nightmare is, the anxious preoccupied person. - Oh, I bet. - Right. So as we just talked about with the anxious preoccupied individuals, they're so much more needy with their asks of nurturance and they really need to be with you more often than probably the dismissive avoidant person wants to be with. And so usually the relationships do not turn out well. Unfortunately it kind of reinforces the more unhealthy parts of those attachment styles. You know, the preoccupied person becomes even more needy and the avoidant person becomes more distant as a result of being in that interaction. - Right, right. In adulthood, how would this person fair in a work environment? - They tend to fair very well in the work environment. Dismissive avoided people are highly successful most of the times. It's the intimate relationships that tend to cause more problems. But in work, they tend to choose highly independent jobs where they have a lot of autonomy. If they don't have a lot of autonomy and they have to work with people, they tend to be in leadership positions. They tend to be more authoritarian on their own as well. So if they are going to lead, they're happy to sort of dictate what other people have to do and they're very comfortable with that. They don't have to necessarily be super democratic about the process. They tend to be really confident about their productivity. And so in work, they choose jobs that are very challenging, jobs that might actually take an exorbitant amount of time because that then relieves them of the need to develop a more fleshed out emotional life with an intimate partner. Is that still you? (Jody laughs) - Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, I didn't even know I was doing that. - Yeah. - Some of you will go, are you dating, are you seeing? No, I work too much. I'm protecting-- - I've heard that from you. I'm protecting myself from doing, from the emotions of a potential relationship. - Yeah. And even if you are not necessarily spelling it out loud and maybe you're not even consciously aware of it, dismissive avoidant types do tend to judge people who are too emotional. - Oh, I do. - Like there is a judgment of like, that's way too reactive. - I'm guilty. - Yeah, versus, oh, that's an appropriate level of emotion, right. There's going to be some judgment about how people are showing or expressing their distress. - Yeah. This is, the reason I want people to realize this is so me, is because I have gone to therapy and I have worked on my emotional block. I recognized it was making friendships and relationships difficult. It served me very well in work. It did not serve me well in relationships and friendships. People want emotion there. I don't. So I had to go to therapy to figure out how to do that, even when it's not part of my makeup. And that has helped me so much. And the reason I've shared that is because, whatever attachment style you're falling in doesn't mean that's where you have to stay. It just means you have to be aware of it, learn the tools and techniques to get out of it. - Exactly. And I think understanding, you know, the benefits of being more securely attached. - That's a good point too. - You know kind of the benefits of that. You know, the fearful dismissive avoidant type obviously comes with some benefits, especially in the work environment. But as you mentioned in friendships and intimate relationships, it's harder. And even with a securely attached individual, eventually they'll start to say, hey you know what, like you're giving me one day out of 10 days to see you, and that's kind of not okay with me, you know. And so eventually they will need a little bit more from you, even if they're very securely attached. But again, dismissive avoidant individuals tend not to have that need so much. So oftentimes I see people who are dismissive avoidant, who end up in long distance relationships, because-- - Oh, goodness. - Right, it's like, well, now I only have to deal with you once every month. And it's great. And then the rest of the time, I just kind of call you to check in, but it's brief. And so it's interesting, you know, neither kind of choices that they make, and they also make certain choices with their friendships as well. They tend to be a little bit more comfortable with friends who are really busy themselves. And that way, again, there's not that huge pull for a lot. Even the way that we react sometimes to people who are sick, you know. Individuals who are more dismissive avoidant, they will kind of have a more difficult time with people who are expressing a lot of frailty, because it means that they have to step up and do more of the caretaking. So oftentimes they'll negotiate that with somebody else, like, well, let's divvy this up. I don't want to have to be the primary caregiver here. And so in general, people would dismissive avoidant types are not that interested in being in a caregiver role period. And so some dismissive avoidant people may not necessarily want to have children. And when they do, they tend to still be at a more of an emotional distance with their children, if they haven't worked on themselves. - Okay. Literally the producer's laughing while you're saying this, because she knows that's me. She's laughing 'cause she goes that is literally Kyle. We've had these conversations. - But you have dog. - I love her. - Yeah. But she's like the right amount of. - Well, isn't this all on a spectrum too? - Yeah. - I mean, certainly this is my attachment style, but it doesn't mean it at all times and every scenario I am this way. I mean, I think if somebody came to me with a real problem, I would be there for them. So certainly this is just a roadmap, not a for sure definition. What can somebody, what can us do the domestic avoidant people? What can we do to have better personal relationships? - Well, I think there's a couple of tips. It's really about flexing your emotional muscle a bit more. And again, sitting with that distress, but when an anxious preoccupied person needs to sit with the distress of being alone, the dismissive avoidant person needs to sit with the distress of being around people who are showing their emotions. - I know, I know. And making eye contact when somebody is crying. - I know. - And sitting with them with no agenda of like, okay, I've got 20 minutes and if you're not done crying, then I'm still leaving. It's sort of like, this is open-ended. You know, I've volunteered to come over here to soothe this person, because they're going through something difficult. And I've given myself the rest of the evening. If she needs me to be here for that amount of time, that's what I'm going to do. And sort of, you know, again, you have to work your way up to that, but even the act of like making more eye contact with somebody when they're expressing distress. It's really interesting to watch somebody who has a dismissive avoidance style, that when other people start crying, they just start looking away. (laughs) - Yeah, that's right, right. - Versus the anxious preoccupied person. Basically, you know, you can think of secure attachment on two dimensions and one is highly avoidant versus low avoidance. And so the preoccupied person is low avoidance. They don't avoid emotions at all. So if somebody is crying, like, okay, like, come on, come here. And they're literally making so much eye contact versus the dismissive avoidant person who is high avoidance. And so when they see that they're like, oh, you know, start looking away. And so even just the simple act of like really connecting with the person and looking at them when they're expressing their negative emotions to you and expressing their pain is a really good place to start. - Yes. Last year, Dr. Romany. I made it my goal to practice empathy. And it was a simple tip from Dr. Romany, but it really changed the way I look at all self-improvement and for me, mental health education is just self-improvement, that's what it is. And she said, Kyle, don't practice your listening, your emotional vulnerability, your empathy, just in the big moments. That's not where you're supposed to practice. That's where you're to show up. Practice in the moments that don't really matter. When you're sitting on a plane and somebody starts talking to you about whatever I, the old Kyle would go, okay, whatever, you know, put on my headphones, try to get into my own world quickly, 'cause I don't want to talk to the stranger. But now I would use that as a time to practice and go, all right, I don't really care what this guy has to say, but I'm going to listen to him and I'm going to be, I'm going to fake interest. I'm faking it, but I'm practicing because if I can do it with a stranger, then I can really do it and really connect and really show up and be present for the people in my life who I love. And so to practice, we really mean that. Practice in the scenarios that life presents to you every single day. - Yeah, yeah. And I think for the dismissive avoidant person, I mean, that's a great tip. And I think another tip is really about starting to value things other than your industrial, industrial life, your work life. You know, kind of like valuing self-care. Valuing just sitting around with a friend and having tea. You know, valuing those things that are different from like your high sense of self in the career place. You know, sort of like, hey, this is just as important as finishing this project. Like starting to have that idea about your life, right. So, expanding what's important to you and how you spend your time. - Because I do now value emotions more than I did. I used to view them as a weakness. I go, oh, that's a weak thing. That's a negative trait. But now I look at it because I've learned so much, at Met Circle. I go, how lucky, what an amazing gift to be able to tap into the real emotional side of you and feel comfortable enough to express it to somebody. Oh, I would love to have that. So what a gift, some of those people have. - Yeah. And I will say, as I've gotten older, I've valued things that are much more on the emotional spectrum myself or like things that are not necessarily related to work. I mean, I'm definitely a workaholic myself and I think I still am, but I have learned to value the time that I have with loved ones, at least on the same level, if not sometimes more. You know, like maybe I wasn't that productive this week, but like, think about all the amazing time I spent with my friends, with my husband, with my family, really seeing that as something that's important. And I think that you do learn that over time, that you know, work can only take you so far. And then there's this whole other side of yourself that needs to be developed too. - For parents out there who recognize this attachment style in themselves, what can they do to foster a healthier child? - Yeah. You know, encouraging your children to express emotion, both positive and negative. Sometimes parents, again, with their own dismissive avoidant attachment style will reward their kids for positive emotions, but not for the negative ones, to kind of almost even being punitive for the negative ones. And so it's really about embracing all emotions, and all emotions are good. It's all good. I have this really funny example of a client I was working with. And, you know, we have these little emotion cards and like little emotions stuffed animals that we use to teach little children how to talk about emotions. And it was so funny because he took out the negative emotions in his home set and then gave his children only the positive emotions. And I was like, that is not... It was really funny how I found out was a child came into session and was like, you have other ones that my daddy doesn't have in his collection, but it's the same exact set, but he just removed the negative emotions. - Wow. - And so we kind of had to talk about that and he's like, I just don't want them to think that life is hard. I'm like, I get it, I get it. But you can't like, you can't stop those emotions. - They're going to happen. - They're going to happen, and you're not going to know how to deal with it. So it's really about letting them fall when you still have them under your care and letting them experience it and like show them that you're still there for them. And so, yeah. So you have to just let them know the whole spectrum is okay with me and then use that opportunity to teach coping skills. So I think that's like a really good compromise. It's like, let them experience it, but then the dismissive avoidant part of you can still use that opportunity to say, okay, I know you feel sad, but here are some things you can do so that you can feel less sad. - Which is healthy too. - Which is totally healthy. But, and it's really interesting because I've had to, you know, sometimes tell people like, hey, sometimes you express a negative emotion and you get that feedback from a dismissive parent, you know, even in adulthood. Like, oh, well, don't feel sad. Like, why would you feel sad about that? And you literally have to push back and say, you know what, it's okay to feel sad and you don't have to solve that problem for me. So as children get older, I encourage them to give that feedback to their dismissive avoidant parent. Like, hey, I'm fine and it's okay to be sad. And I don't need you to cover it up for me. Like, just because you're uncomfortable with it, I'm not, and I'm trying not to be, you know. - That is it. (soft monotonous music) - Let's define somebody who would most likely have been raised with an anxious, preoccupied attachment style. - Okay. So in the original Mary Ainsworth study, these were babies who when they're, even when their mother was in the room, they still seemed kind of clingy and distress. And so once the mother left, it was like, all hell broke loose. They were very, very stressed out. They would be probably crying the entire time that the mother was gone. And once the mother came back, they were not easily soothed. I mean, they were, of course were happy to see the mother. But despite the mother saying, I'm here, I'm with you, they're still crying, and they have a really hard time being able to return to independent activity. And as adults, these individuals will oftentimes have a great difficulty navigating relationships. They tend to be really needy. They tend to ask for a lot from their partners in terms of nurturance. In some ways they don't have a stable self-esteem internally. So they have to keep getting validation from people. And it's like almost few minutes later, they forgot that validation. They have to seek it again. So oftentimes these individuals will end up in relationships in which they're not very happy. They've given up all kinds of their own needs and wants to satisfy the other person's needs and wants. And they still feel like they're left out in the cold. And these individuals are also more at risk for abusive relationships, because again, their need for nurturance is so high that they're willing to succumb themselves to extremely distressing situations to not be alone. And these individuals, oftentimes adults you'll see them kind of hop from relationship to relationship. They're serial daters they have a hard time being alone. And when they're alone they become very distressed and it goes for friendships as well. So they prefer to be with their friends instead of by themselves. And they will put themselves in uncomfortable situations just to not be alone. So even if all of their friends are doing something that they really don't want to do, they'll go along with the group, as opposed to staying home alone. - Let's go back to the study. How much of the child's reaction do you think is from just their personality they were born with as opposed to how they're being influenced by the parent? - So I think it's a combination. Sometimes there are children with temperaments that are a little bit more anxious to begin with, a little bit more clingy. But also parents can produce that behavior in their child, if they're kind of unpredictable in their parenting. Meaning sometimes they are there. They're very sensitive to the child. And other times they're nowhere to be found. And I think sometimes parents unwittingly provoke this type of attachment style in their child. For example, very busy parents. You know, they're actually working very hard to make ends meet. But as a little child, you don't realize that your parent was gone for 10 hours because they were working. So when they're home, they're actually pretty engaged with you and they are there to meet your needs. But then there's other days where they come home and they're exhausted. And so then you have a lot of needs and the parents says, you know what, I just need a few minutes alone. And then they take that to personal offense. And so you can see how sometimes very well-meaning parents can accidentally cultivate a preoccupied child just because again, of their own needs and them being busy. - Right. Would you say someone with borderline personality disorder has a high likelihood of having parents who really fostered this type of attachment style? - I think that the most common attachment style that's linked to borderline is actually the fearful avoidant attachment style, because the parent is even more erratic. And this would be parents themselves who are erratic for really no good reason. I mean, the kind of scenario I propose are the kind of parents who they just get busy or they have their own needs and they're trying to deal with themselves and self-soothe, and they sometimes neglect the child. The parents that tend to provoke a fearful avoidant style sometimes they're a little bit more conscious of it and they still do it, because they're just not well themselves. So I think that borderline is more associated with that attachment style. Although I can also see some of it coming from this one. The fear of abandonment is much greater for a fearful avoidant child than it is for an anxious preoccupied child. And I think oftentimes children who are anxiously preoccupied throughout their life, they get sort of re-experience is that strengthened that type of attachment style. Like maybe the relationship that they choose as adults. They keep choosing dismissive partners or partners who can't meet their needs. And so then they keep reinforcing that belief about themselves that maybe they're unlovable and they don't want to like sit with that. And that's why they have a hard time being alone. - So with no awareness, are we most likely to mimic the attachment style we were raised in? - Yes. Yes. And I think that there's a theory that you end up seeking partners that are kind of similar to your parents and you basically re-enact the same thing over and over again, whether it's some type of a trauma or not. And so if you were a child who felt like you were constantly reaching for your parents for support, and they were sometimes there, and sometimes not. As adults, you're attracted to people who also sort of have those tendencies, where they kind of get busy with their own lives. And again, maybe they love you, but they just don't have a lot of bandwidth to be dealing with your insecurities all the time. And so I don't really find, for example, that many, many people who have the preoccupied attachment style actually end up being with each other. Although sometimes that does happen. They tend to seek out partners that are different from them in terms of their attachment styles and oftentimes replicating the parenting style of their caregivers. - Got it. Now it's important to mention here though, that, although my question was the potential causes or correlation between attachment style and personality disorders. There's not just one cause for any of those. I mean, it can be a hodgepodge of things. But I think it helps people kind of see where, what parts of their history might be influencing their current behavior today. - Absolutely. And it does play such a role, not even just an intimate relationships, but even the career you choose. People who have an anxious, preoccupied attachment tend to be in jobs where they're a part of a pack. They feel much more comfortable sort of blending into a pack as opposed to even being the leader of the pack. In the group dynamic they tend to be the followers and they tend to really avoid conflict, because to them conflict might mean rejection. And so they kind of tend to do roles in life that are more passive, because they're trying to make sure that they don't lose any nutrients that they can get from someone. And they also need a ton of validation. So they find themselves in jobs where they seek a lot of that validation. And it's interesting because some anxiously preoccupied individuals actually end up getting in jobs where validation is few and far between, like for example, acting. - Oh, right. Yeah. - It's really interesting. I've worked with a lot of actors who have said, you know what, I think this might be my attachment style, and weird, I chose a job where I literally have to deal with that attachment issue every day. - Yes, yes. If you recognize these patterns in yourself and you want to change, what do you do? - Well, if you know that you're probably an anxiously preoccupied person and you want to change that, I think the first thing is really establishing a stronger sense of self. You know, one easy way to do this would be just to start developing a hobby, where you basically do it on your own. It's not a hobby that you have to do with other people, right. And just starting from there. For a lot of my patients who have anxiously preoccupied, attachment styles, I challenged them to go out to coffee by themselves and then go out to lunch by themselves. Like get used to spending time by herself and even in the public environment where you might be afraid of other people's judgment, like who is this person who is you know, eating by themselves. Nobody cares by the way. - Nobody is thinking about you. - Just the other day, I was stuck in so much traffic that I ended up going to this really nice restaurant and I had a five-course meal by myself. - Dang, good for you. - For like two and a half hours. And it was great 'cause by the time I was done, I, there was no traffic. - No traffic, yeah. - Yeah, it was lovely. But as I was there, I was thinking about how that would be such a challenge for somebody who's main attachment style is probably anxious, preoccupied. The whole time they're probably thinking other people are judging them. They think that they're loners. They think that they're losers, right. And it's the, nobody's thinking about you. That's the funny thing. If everybody's thinking about themselves most of the time. So just challenge them to do more independent activities and like to sit with that distress. And to really start getting comfortable with themselves. Basically start to learn the technique of self-soothing, right, as opposed to looking for others to sooth your distress. - [Kyle] Excellent. - Yeah. - So for somebody who just, you know, started shaking when you said, got to lunch by herself. - [Jody] Yeah. - Where could they start that isn't that? - I think starting a hobby that's more independent. I mean, even just sitting at home and saying, you know what, I'm going to do this jigsaw puzzle by myself. And I'm going to do this jigsaw puzzle by myself without calling a friend and talking to them at the same time. Like really just sit by yourself. - Or putting it on social media. - Right. Exactly. Like just do it on your own and also do it in a time limited way. So I'm going to do this for 30 minutes today. And that's why I say, you know, go to coffee for 30 minutes. And then if you can do that, then do lunch for an hour. You know, work your way up to being more independent and having your identity and life outside. Because what happens with people who are anxious, preoccupied is they lose their sense of self. They're so passive and they're so busy dealing with other people's needs and wants that they don't even know what they want anymore. But it actually ends up creating the abandonment they fear, because people are like, well, you're uninteresting, you're too clingy. So by developing your own hobbies and having a good sense of independence, you actually attract the kind of partners that you want. You have things to talk about, you know, when you're with your partner, yeah. - For the person who's recognizing these symptoms in themselves, but they're also a parent or a caregiver, how do they start to shift the attachment style so that their child or the person they're caring for is being raised with that secure attachment? - Yeah. I think for an anxious, preoccupied, parent, it's important for them to modulate their own anxiety and realize that some of that anxiety might be warranted. And some of it's not rooted in reality. And for those that are not rooted in reality, they have to learn to step aside, deal with their anxiety, take some deep breaths, do the coping strategies and go back in the room with your child and present calmly. Because if you present in front of your child as super anxious, you might raise an anxious child. And so you definitely need to say, okay, do I need to be anxious here? If not, then I'm going to step away, deal with my own emotions, come back and be calm. And also use it as a teaching moment. If you do end up getting really anxious in front of your child, later on in an age-appropriate way, have a discussion. So sorry mommy looked like she was having a nervous, a nervous attack. Mommy's fine, but she just got really worried for a second. And when that happened, mommy started to do some breathing exercises and now I feel better. So engage your children in that conversation so they can realize, hey, my parent's not perfect, but they're actually doing things to try to foster resilience in themselves and I can follow that template. - And what's really cool about that is then the child sees the parent being self-aware. - Yes. - And so hopefully the child grows up understanding that they too can be self-aware. I didn't learn self-awareness until I don't even. I mean late, late, late, late. I forgot that I could be aware of my own emotions. I just let them go however they wanted to. Before we wrap up this session. What are some good coping mechanisms when those parents who have this type of attachment style start to feel really anxious in front of their kids, but they want to calm down. - Honestly breathing is the first thing that they should do. Because when you get anxious, you start to really activate the fight or flight system, the sympathetic nervous system. And so the deep breathing brings you back to that center of, hey, there's nothing to worry about. I can relax. I can let go of that whole fight or flight response. And so take some deep breaths and then check your thoughts. You know, check your thoughts and say, do these thoughts have any bearing in reality? And if they don't do the diffusion technique that we've talked about in some of the other series. You know, attach a sentence before your negative thought or fear. I'm having the thought that I'm not going to finish my work before the deadline. I'm having the thought that my husband isn't home and it means something nefarious, right. And letting yourself understand that there's so many thoughts that can come through our heads that don't have any meanings, so don't attach yourself to them and start to get yourself worked up. - Yes. Was that in the CVTC series? - That was in the acceptance and commitment therapy. - Acceptance and commitment therapy. That's one of our favorites. So if you have not watched that series it is available on Med Circle. It's called acceptance and commitment therapy. One of my all time favorite therapies. But since we're talking about therapies and we do have a little more time on this session. What type of therapies would be best in treating or improving these types of attachment styles? - I think really it's about therapies that really do bring you some sense of awareness. So some of the more introspective therapies are helpful, but then you have to pair that with actual skillsets. - Yes. - And so once you have that introspection, it's really about learning skills to self-sooth, learning skills to tolerate distress, very important for the anxious preoccupied person. So techniques such as distress tolerance or emotion regulation from the DBT literature is really helpful. Behavior activation and interpersonal effectiveness from CBT would be really helpful too, so that these individuals can learn to communicate their needs in a more assertive fashion. (soft monotonous music) - That leaves us with fearful avoidant attachments. What is this? - Okay. So this is actually the rarest of the four types. And this is a individual who in the Mary Ainsworth study was sort of, kind of displaying a kind of disorganized way of coping, when their parents were in the room versus not. So some of these children would actually react very harshly to their parent when they come back and they may actually even be dismissive towards the parent or seemingly angry. Other times they seem not to care all that much when the parents came back. But when the parent was gone and the video was still rolling, they were very distressed without the parent. And yet when the parent came, they acted like they didn't care about the parent. And so it wasn't like one type of cohesive style. And as adults fearful avoidant people tend to have a more dialectic about their need for other people. So on the one hand, they really want the close relationships. On the other hand, they kind of don't want it and fear it and don't want to invest a lot in it. And so they kind of bridge this big spectrum and they may act differently depending on how they're feeling at a given moment, which to other people feel erratic because they don't really know how to predict this person's behavior. And sometimes people who are fearful avoidant as adults, they tend to be a lot less stable for their friendships as well. Like they have maybe a small group of friends who, you know, they feel more comfortable giving to, but then with other people, they can be very dismissive. So in some ways they kind of embody both of the preoccupied type and the dismissive avoidant type to some degree. - Right. Are there common co-occurring mental health disorders that you could find with someone who has this attachment style? - So people who are fearful avoidant in general, they are the ones that confer the most psychological risks of all of the four types. And so they are a little bit more prone to anxiety, a little bit more prone to depression, and a little bit more prone to other types of relational issues. And one of the most common ones that is associated with the fearful avoidant type is borderline personality traits and particularly the dimension about fear of abandonment. So actually in many ways, fearful avoidant types are actually even more afraid of abandonment than the preoccupied types. But unlike the preoccupied types, they are not willing to give over their entire sense of self to be in a relationship. And so they have a fear of abandonment, but they're also kind of more resolute in that they still want to have their own space and their own boundaries. And so it creates a lot of difficulties and barriers and challenges to have relationships. - Yeah, absolutely. If somebody feels like this is resonating with them, is it like the other ones likely because their parents were, you know, exhibiting the same attachment style. - Yeah. In general, fearful avoidant children were exposed to parenting styles are kind of erratic too. And oftentimes the parents maybe were struggling with certain things like their own anxiety and their own depression so that they weren't able to meet the child's needs consistently. And the parents were not always anxious. Sometimes they were anxious, but sometimes they were completely dismissive and sometimes they weren't there for the child, and sometimes they were too much there for the child. And so I think it creates this sort of disorganized attachment in the young child because they're trying to figure out how do I navigate the rest of my life if this is my primary template. And they don't really have one type of coping strategy to go to. So they find themselves kind of almost like kind of wavering in the wind. It's like, whatever people want them to do, they'll do, and sometimes they don't. And it's really interesting because a recent study came out about the sex lives of individuals who have fearful avoidant attachment. And it turns out that in general, they have more sexual partners than the other three attachment types. But also that in general, they may say yes to dates and say yes to sex, to people who they're not even necessarily that interested in. And so again, just this idea of, well, I'll kind of just go with the environment and go with the moment, but I'm not sure how much more I want to take it beyond that. You know, do I really actually want to become more intimate with this person in a long-term fashion? - So in many ways, as you mentioned, this final attachment style is a lot like anxious, preoccupied and dismissive avoidant hybrid. - Yes, absolutely. And the way that it exhibits in terms of behaviors, is that the person will want that closeness, and then they'll pull away all of a sudden, and they'll want that closeness and pull away. And so in the beginning-- - And not pull away to get the closeness? - No. - Because you know how some people pull away 'cause they want to be chased? - Yes. - Right. - It's less so. It's more about pulling away and cutting that person off and not looking back. And so sometimes they may think, well, this relationship is getting too serious or maybe this person has done something that really hurt me. And instead of giving that person a second chance, a fearful avoidant person might do something that really severely cuts off that relationship so that there is no prospect for continuing. - This is really helpful for people to be aware of. Because part of my recovery from depression came from my awareness of my depression. My depression is a symptom, it's a condition. It's not who Kyle Kittleson is. It's something over here that I can manage appropriately so I can still live my life. Same thing with these attachment styles. These are not diagnosable conditions, but if we can start to view them as something that's over here and say, all right, this isn't really me. This is my fearful avoidant attachment that has taken my whole life to condition. So let's go easy on myself a little bit and recognize that I might need to sit down and not fully pull away from this person who means well and attack it with that awareness. - Absolutely. And I think the awareness is key because even people who struggle with fearful avoidant attachment can have satisfying relationships and can have satisfying friendships and work lives. And in general, people with fearful avoidant don't necessarily have issues with work per se. But when they feel like too many demands are being made on them, they might actually get sort of distressed. They don't like that. They might, you know, sort of back away from further responsibility if they feel like they're being asked to do too much. But in relationships and friendships, people with fearful avoidant attachment, as soon as they're aware of those attachment influences and are willing to work on them can have wonderful relationships as well. - So sometimes you get me. I'm dismissive avoidant attachment almost to a tee. But I would imagine there's a lot of people who heard all those attachment styles and thought, okay, I'm not really one, I'm a little bit of this, I'm a little bit of that, I'm a little bit of that. What do people do with that information? - Well, I think there's definitely a spectrum. And I think when you know that you're on a spectrum, you understand your own strengths and also some areas for improvement. And that's, I think really the takeaway for people to understand their attachment styles. It's not to pathologize you. It's not to say, oh my gosh, you're insecure. What does this mean? It's not meant to label anybody. Although of course there are categories and so inherently they are labels. But if you understand yourself on the spectrum, then you can say, okay, objectively here are the things that I'm good at, and here are the things that maybe are more challenging to me. And then you really ask yourself, is it important for me to work on these challenges? And I think sometimes you have to feel like it's impacting your life in a negative way for you to want to work on those challenges. - [Kyle] That's so true. - Right. - I didn't work on my emotional challenges until I recognized they were problems. Before I would go that is your problem that I'm not emotionally available to. That's how I thought. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then once you realize, you know what, maybe I should take responsibility for some of this and maybe I could be better to my friends, or maybe I could create an environment that would be better and more welcoming to a romantic partner. Then you do those things. Like you have to have the skin in the game to be able to want to invest, right. But I think it's just in the vein of self-improvement. You know, understand where your difficulties are coming from and know that there's ways to challenge it. For somebody who has fearful avoidant attachment, it's really all about establishing consistency, because there's a huge level of erraticness. And so a very important exercise for people who are fearful avoidant is to let themselves stay in a distressing emotion or distressing situation for a period of time. - Oh, that's hard. - Just sit with it. Yeah, sit with it and sit with the fact that you might want to run away or you might want to-- - So what's an example of that? - So I think one example would be when you're dating somebody and you know, that that person is maybe not giving you what you need in various ways. Whether it's they're being too clingy or they're being too dismissive. And sitting there and allowing yourself to say, you know what, I'm going to give it one more date or I'm going to give him a few more hours to call me back. And being okay with that as opposed to acting out right there. Because people who are fearful avoidant sometimes will either get super clingy in that moment or they'll get super dismissive. And they'll say, you know what, forget it. I'm done with you. If you call me back, I'm not even going to answer the phone. So it's really about stretching their bounds for the ambiguities, the grace, the in-betweens. So that you're not so black and white in your thinking and decision-making. - So when are we becoming gray in our thinking and willingly being with somebody who treats us poorly? - [Jody] Right. - 'Cause maybe you're supposed to call me back after two days. - Right. And I think that's when you have to really check in with yourself and also your family and friends, people who love you and say, do you think this is acceptable behavior? Is this me being maybe hypersensitive and just wanting to cut things off? Or is this okay? You know, because we've only gone on two dates and maybe it's all right that he hasn't texted me back in five hours. Maybe it's okay that he gets back to me tomorrow that's not a bad thing, you know. And so I think sometimes you do have to rely on your friends when you're not sure if your own barometer isn't unduly influenced by your emotions and your attachment style. - Yeah. I get that. I get that. Because I rely on other people to tell me things that I wouldn't be able to do. So if you see an areas in your life that you can improve in then and other people in your circle can help fill in those gaps, why wouldn't you take advantage of that? - Yeah. And even that is a great exercise. Just even asking a friend for help is a great exercise for a fearful avoidant type. - [Kyle] That's true, right. - Because generally they want that closeness, but they don't think that they can rely on people. So it's like they want it, but they think people are going to disappoint them. So they don't even put themselves out there. But of course over time that just reinforces that idea that no one can be there for them because they've never given anybody the opportunity. So attachment theory is all about how we establish that relationship with our primary caregivers and whether or not that establishment is healthy or not. And how that influences, how you function as a child, both mentally and physically, and again pervades into your adulthood in career, in love, in friendships and every other aspect of your life. - Do we know that it is affecting us or is it affecting us subconsciously? - I think sometimes you don't realize it. And I think, unless you hear the word attachment or you've understood the term attachment or had been spoken about to somebody in some way, you're not going to really know that that's attachment. But it will explain so many of your decisions in life. It explains why you're attracted to the people that you are. It sometimes even explains the type of work you do. And it explains the kind of friends you like to keep. So it really does affect so many areas of your life, which is why I think your viewers have requested this so much. - Thanks for watching. Check out the links below for more information on how to access this full series and subscribe to our YouTube channel to watch new mental health videos every week. Did you like what you heard in this video? If you want to ask a Med Circle doctor a question directly, you can. Learn how by visiting the links in the description below.
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Channel: MedCircle
Views: 391,284
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Keywords: love styles, childhood, how your childhood affects your love styles, love, attachment theory, relationships, mental health, 5 love languages, attachment styles, psychology, childhood trauma, dating advice, psych2go, dating, relationship advice, education, relationship, personality, self help, love languages, medcircle, discussion, masterclass, video, youtube, love style
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Length: 53min 32sec (3212 seconds)
Published: Fri Nov 05 2021
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