How To Tell A Female Covert Narcissist and Borderline

Welcome! I often get comments questions or  stories from men who are or have recently   been in a toxic relationship with a female covert  narcissist but as they describe their partner,   it sounds much more like someone with borderline  personality disorder or both so today I want   to try to clear up some of that confusion by  explaining 10 key differences between NPD and BPD.   Most of these also apply to men with these  personality disorders but I am focusing and   referring specifically to women here because  I find that there are not enough resources   for men. For this video, I will use the acronyms  NPD for the covert narcissist and BPD to refer to   someone with borderline personality disorder just  to shorten things. I'm Lise Leblanc I post videos   weekly on topics related to personality disorders  stress grief relationships and other mental health   issues this content is for informational purposes  only and if you find this video helpful please   like comment and subscribe to my channel and  make sure to click on the notification Bell so   you don't miss out on anything before jumping in  first a reminder that labeling your partner family   member or friends with NPD or BPD is not going  to likely be accurate because even the highest   level mental health professionals are challenged  when it comes to teasing apart these personality   disorders and these symptoms and 40 percent of  people with BPD also qualify for a diagnosis of   NPD and 25 percent when it's the reverse so it  can be both and to complicate matters there is   often another mental health disorder involved such  as a mood disorder PTSD substance abuse ADHD Etc   so for today's video I'm focusing strictly on the  differences between NPD and BPD specifically when   BPD is untreated so I'm not specifically referring  to any type of BPD and generally not to more high   functioning or quiet BPD where the symptoms are  internalized but rather more generally about BPD   when it's untreated in no particular order number  one both NPD and BPD are in the dramatic emotional   and erratic cluster B category of personality  disorders but the covert narcissist prefers to   stir up drama between other people mostly other  than in their intimate relationships and family   relationships and they can be really smooth and  sneaky so they push buttons they plant seeds they   stir the pot and they stand back and watch the  drama and conflict unfold they complicate matters   and they create chaos to avoid boredom and to feed  their need for that control when it comes to BPD   they are more front and center in the drama and  the conflict not necessarily causing it although   that can definitely be the case but more often  having strong emotional reactions that to most   people would be considered disproportionate to the  situation overly emotional erratic irrational or   immature number two communication with NPD unless  you are in constant agreement with them and doing   everything they want you will never get anywhere  talking with them about anything that matters to   you if you question them talk about your needs and  feelings or just try to get any kind of compromise   you'll go around and around in circles and  you'll leave the conversations thinking what just   happened we were talking about this and then what  happened the narcissist is weaving a maze around   you and getting you as confused and disoriented as  possible so that you'll think you're the problem   and even if you stay cool and rational you just  can't get anywhere because they will do anything   and everything to avoid the real issue with BPD  conversations are a lot different once emotionally   triggered the borderline loses the ability to have  a rational conversation you may well just as well   be in court because anything that comes out of  your mouth or doesn't come out of your mouth will   be used as evidence to prove what she is feeling  in this state the rational mind is offline and   they perceive their feelings to be facts no matter  how calm and rational you remain she cannot hear   your side of things but when she does come down or  during periods where she is emotionally regulated   you can communicate and compromise that said once  she's emotionally triggered again and dysregulated   she probably will not be able to stick to the  compromises that were made if she apologizes for   Things She Said during an outburst which she may  in the case of BPD the apology will be profused   and shame be rather than guilt-based in other  words she will focus on how bad she is rather   than how bad what she did made you feel but it  is usually heartfelt and genuine when it comes   to NPD good luck getting a genuine apology  it will be laced with excuses justifications   counter accusations and reasons why they don't  need to take accountability for their actions   the third key difference is around empathy both  NPD and BPD have an impaired ability to recognize   the needs and feelings of others but with NPD  even when they do recognize your needs they   genuinely don't care the person with BPD often  has deep emotional empathy but can lose their   ability to recognize other people's wants needs  feelings when they are emotionally triggered and   dysregulated which can be often because they  become so hyper focused on their own internal   pain and suffering that they can't see past it  it's like if you were walking around on a broken   leg in excruciating pain you might temporarily  lose your ability to focus on what's going on   around you or with other people the fourth key  difference is that the narcissist lives in a world   of fantasy whereas the person with BPD although  they can dissociate from themselves in reality   at times they are not stuck in a false fantasy  self and false reality that they've constructed   The Narcissist from a young age dissociates and  discards the parts of themselves that is afraid   shameful traumatized and unworthy they turned  the switch off on that little boy or little   girl long ago creating a false egoic self and  fantasy world in its place and they keep that   discarded part of themselves buried as much as  possible and out of their own awareness and they   use you and several someone's to validate and  reinforce this false egoic self and fantasy world   you and all of the other some ones are  only as good as you can Shield them from   this discarded dissociated part of themselves  and idealize and inflate their fantasy self   for the BPD they have split themselves into two  parts at least two parts a terrible self which   they truly believe themselves to be and a desired  perfect self that they wish to experience through   you deep down they feel bad broken unlovable  and constantly fear that you will see their   true self and abandon them because they have  already abandoned themselves number five the   borderline unless also narcissistic will not  generally come off as grandiose entitled or   exaggerating their talents and achievements but  rather us down to earth and humble the vulnerable   narcissist will present as a victim but also come  off as Superior special unique and she will have   an arrogance and unreasonable expectations to be  treated like this like someone special and other   than in the beginning of the relationship during  the bait and switch you will get very little in   return the borderline is much more likely to be  attentive to your needs and reciproc reciprocate   emotionally during periods of emotional stability  so it can be very up and down she can go back and   forth from making you feel really good to really  bad throughout the relationship whereas with NPD   once she is turned off to you you are dead and  buried right beside the discarded self that she   has dissociated from and from this point on if  you're not discarded you will only get things from   her when she wants or needs something from you  and unless you have resources that are difficult   to get elsewhere the discard will happen very  soon you are for the most part interchangeable   number six NPD feel good as long as you're  pouring the attention and admiration on them   as long as you are idealizing them regardless of  their bad behavior their false self is satisfied   for the BPD there is intense emptiness shame and  emotional pain lurking right under the surface   they are not distanced or dissociated from it for  long they often feel like an imposter in their   own body and feel very fragmented internally  whereas the NPD manages to stay consciously   dissociated from that fragmented shame-based  bird itself and more securely attached to the   false fantasy self as long as they have enough  Supply which is why Supply is their Lifeline   number seven the female covert narcissist has  low self-worth but she projects it outwards   and keeps it external to herself at all cost she  externalizes her Low self-worth by playing the   victim blaming others demeaning and criticizing  you and everyone else she demeans you and others   as a way of discharging her discard itself Onto  You thereby further distancing herself from that   buried part of herself the order line can also  play the victim and also devalue you but she   will likely also criticize and demean and devalue  herself which The Narcissist will very rarely do   with BPD this can be seen as attention seeking  and manipulation which it may be at times but   it is likely a true reflection of how she sees  herself deep down in one word defective number   eight both the narcissist and borderline have  intense emotional reactions generally speaking   the narcissist is more emotionally stable other  than when they have setbacks feel insulted slated   disrespected or feel a sense of failure basically  anything that reminds them of their discarded self   can cause a narcissistic collapse so when I say  emotional stability here I don't mean positive   stability of emotions but rather stability within  whatever negative emotional home they live in   this could be pessimism it could be anxiety  it could be depression but it is relatively   constant except when they experience collapse in  which case you may witness narcissistic Rage which   is an intense episode of anger that is provoked  when the narcissist perceives a threat to their   false fantasy self and this can be anything big or  small again that reminds them of their discarded   real self borderlines can also have intense rage  however they are typically triggered by fear   this can be real or perceived fear it can be  fear of Abandonment rejection or anything really   and this will create rapid fluctuating moods  so going from zero to a hundred literally in   seconds without treatment a relationship with  them any interpersonal close relationship will   feel like a roller coaster ride that could just  go off the rail at any moment with any tiny bump   number nine both NPD and BPD may appear as  independent mature intellectual evolved even   spiritual adults but as the relationship moves  forward you will see shifts into an immature   childlike collapse version of them this can  happen under stress it can happen as a result   of something that you see as very minor even out  of the blue sometimes both the NPD and BPD can lie   deceive or manipulate but with BPD this is usually  aimed at keeping your good image of them intact to   avoid your rejection and abandonment as a result  of some harmful things that they said or did while   in an impulsive or emotionally dysregulated state  but with NPD the deceit is usually related to   them getting what they want and getting rid of  evidence or information that contradicts their   self-inflated narrative and fill in their  selective Amnesia with a fictional account   of would be what would be better suited to their  continued ability to get what they want from you   which is more Supply whatever that may mean they  constantly distort not only your your reality but   their own which is why they often come across as  believing their own lies their stories are subject   to frequent revisions or they gate what they said  and seem to truly think that you're too stupid to   notice and if you question their lies they will  disown their words deny it blame someone else   pretend not to hear or know what you're talking  about lie to cover up the past lie or if all else   fails they will throw a tantrum number 10  BPD is considered treatable not curable but   with intensive long-term therapy someone with BPD  who is seeking and accepting treatment for their   personality disorder can learn to better manage  their triggers impulses emotions and behavior   sometimes to the point of no longer qualifying  for the diagnosis I believe NPD is also treatable   if and only if they are willing to accept their  diagnosis see themselves as needing treatment for   narcissistic personality disorder but this is  rare because seeing themselves as part of the   problem threatens their false fantasy egoic self  which they constructed as a matter of survival so   you see the conflict here with BPD they are  often relieved to find out what is going on   with them and eager to find ways to get out of  the emotional pain and suffering that they are   experiencing and causing but keep in mind  that when the person with borderline also   has narcissistic or anti-social Tendencies  their behavior will be a lot more damaging   and destructive and their willingness to seek  and accept treatment will also be compromised   if you like this video please comment and  subscribe to my channel and check out my   playlist on narcissistic personality disorder  and borderline personal analogy disorder

Channel: Lise Leblanc

Views: 169,869

Keywords: narcissists hate you, things narcissists hate, how narcissists treat, how to outsmart narcissist, how narcissists control you, how narcissists manipulate, how to leave narcissist, leaving toxic people, vulnerable narcissism, covert narcissism, hypersensitivity, introverted, manipulative, blame-shifting, gaslighting, covert nacissist, vulnerable narcissist, working with narcissists, female covert narcissist, female narcissist, female narcissism, male victims of narcissistic abuse, bpd

Id: 7RzKQ3duvDg

Length: 16min 1sec (961 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 05 2022