- Alright, here's a question
from Cara about being shy. I would like to change the
behavior label of being shy. I am an idea person and do not share them for fear of being judged. I am often very hesitant
to talk to people, unless we can cut the
BS and talk for real. I wonder if I should be more open to small talk to connect with people. I also hesitate to share my ideas because I find it reduces my excitement when I have to answer
a bunch of questions. Feeling slightly isolated. Please help. I really like this question
and I'm really sensitive to it. Because, we are all shy to some extent and there are spectrums and there are places
where we are shy, okay? For example, there's a thing
called situated identity, where people are very shy in certain cases and very, very, extroverted
or un-shy in other cases. And there are tons of semantic labels about introversion,
extroversion, shyness, etcetera. So I don't want to get into all that. What I want focus on are a
couple of recommendations for you First of all, search for
a great article called "The Caring of Your Introvert." You may be able to recognize
yourself in this article. And it can shed some light on
why you think the way you do, and why you behave the way you do. Second, this is going to give you the information you need, right? You're going to do this, you're
going to search for shyness, getting over shyness, and you're going to read a
bunch of tips and strategies. This is going to give you information. But we need to turn it
into reality for you. One thing I'm going to suggest for you is to change the way
you think about shyness. I noticed in your question you have some very interesting invisible scripts. You said, "I am often very
hesitant to talk to people "unless we can cut the
BS and talk for real." Isn't that interesting? Have you ever noticed two
very socially fluent people? They come up to each
other, what do they do? "Hey man, what's going on, how you doing?" "Oh what's been going on?" "Yeah, just went on vacation." "Oh, that's awesome! Where did you go?" "Oh, I went to Thailand and
I was petting the tigers" They're just going back and forth, even if it's a business meeting. You call this BS. What do they call it? They call it building a relationship. So, you're right on track
when you say, "I wonder if "I should be more open to small
talk to connect to people." That's how people connect. They connect in an entirely different way than what you have scripted. What you've scripted is,
let me get to the point. Cut the BS. Well, that's not BS. It's very important filler material. Just like when you go to a restaurant. You don't just sit down and
get the food right away. Waiter comes over, you get
a drink, you slow it down. It's important to have
that relationship space when you're talking to other people. The other thing I'm
going to suggest to you, as you start Googling
around, is to study others. You have three or four friends
who are very social fluent. They go to bars, they
know how to meet people. They're at the office,
everybody likes them. Study them. What do they do? What do they say, what is
their body language look like? These are going to be small,
subtle ways that you can start improving to get to the
goals of what you want to do, which is to connect to
people. As for the ideas I'm not even going to
touch that right now. I want you to become a little
bit more socially skilled. So when you go out to meet people, you can go look them in the eyes and say, "Hello, great to meet you.
How's it going today?" That could be a very simple goal. Of being able to do that at a conference, at a restaurant, at a bar, anywhere. Once you get beyond that,
send me another email and I'll help you take
it to the next level. Thanks for the question.
