How to Share Your Thoughts and Feelings | MarriageToday | Jimmy & Karen Evans

david ashley from the naked marriage podcast have a new book called naked and healthy in this book they uncover the lifestyle your mind body spirit and marriage need they share their own health and marriage battles to reveal while your personal well-being and the health of your marriage are inextricably connected dave and ashley are a part of the xo marriage and the exo podcast network they are such an incredible couple and their message about living honestly with your spouse is life-changing get their new book at nakedandhealthy.com that's nakedandhealthy.com welcome to the marriage day podcast i'm jimmy evans this is my wife karen and we're talking today about returning to intimacy this is a teaching that i do a series of teachings that i do and this will be the next upcoming podcast too we're talking about this issue but in order to understand intimacy karen and so a lot of people struggle i did you know in our marriage understanding intimacy every single married couple can experience true intimacy but intimacy is experienced on four levels jesus was asked the question what's the most important commandment and jesus said love the lord your god with all your heart your soul your mind and your strength we are not one-dimensional beings and a lot of times when people think of intimacy they think of sex it's just physical sex is only 25 of the equation of intimacy but it's mental jesus said your mind the number one reason that god gave us our minds was to love him but the number two reason was to love each other the number one reason that god gave us our bodies was to love him but the second is to love each other and you take any dimension of your being and all the dimensions of our being were created to love we will never be fulfilled as human beings until we're living well and i think it's a great point because without love i mean so why do you think it is though in today's society it's so hard for people to just have that simple understanding to love yeah well i think that marriage is a mystery in our society we are the most relationally ignorant culture probably ever you know there's been some bad cultures in world history but i'm saying we're just very relationally ignorant and we've strayed and that's the reason for this teaching but what i'm talking about value energy sacrifice and trust okay when you look at intimacy where does it come from and i literally spell the word uh invest it's intimacy necessitates value energy sacrifice and trust and that comes from genesis 2 24-25 but value let's talk for just a minute about emotional intimacy so uh one of the questions that we could ask is how did we how did we learn how to talk uh to each other and be each other's safe place okay we value each other's emotions okay it has to begin with value so i may not agree but you said to me many times karen before we had a good marriage you would say can't you just validate how i feel and i would say something like well i would but that's stupid you know i mean the no normal person would think that it kind of shuts down the conversation it shuts down it's shaming you know it's it's if you don't feel like me you you can't you're not it's not valid okay so i first of all you have to say that that's that's valid you know i understand that's very important i understand how you feel energy means i'm going to work hard at trying to understand you i'm not just going to reject you the the god says for this cause a man will leave his father mother you have to prioritize it you have to value it and it says in cleveland to his wife that means work marriage is work to be intimate you have to work to have emotional intimacy it means i'm not just going to sit here and listen to you i'm going to work hard this is what you did when you dated you talked you worked hard at trying to understand each other you were very empathetic empathy is huge sacrifice it says they too shall become one flesh it means you have to sacrifice meanness for weakness you have to sacrifice of yourself to become a couple and that means i i'm not just going to sit here and talk to you i will sacrifice my need to be right too i think it's it's important for there to be feeling their safety that that you're not gonna you know disrespect or like you said shame me for expressing how i'm feeling or or you know it's it and it comes from both sides because women can be just as you know you're gonna be nagging or you're going to be treating them like a child like you're the mother and they're the child or you know rolling your eyes you know and like you know that kind of thing it just turns people off they don't open up with them you know and so you know treat people the way you want to be treated that's right and you know consider you know their feelings first before you consider yours and that's where the trust comes in it's value energy sacrifice and trust and the trust is i'm going to be a consistent safe place for you where you know that you can trust me because you're not going to be honest with someone you don't trust right and sometimes you'll have men or women and they'll say why don't you talk to me anymore well i don't trust you that's what she said to me early in our marriage i was verbally abusive at times i was not a i was not a good husband and years later you told me i never i never confided things in you because you weren't safe and i wasn't so if you want your spouse to open up to you you're going to have to be patient and kind and loving humble when you're wrong to say you're sorry and that way you build this trust and that's where intimacy comes from well if you uh enjoy the podcast we would love for you to leave a review we're going to go this teaching right now investing in intimacy we're going to talk about the four areas of intimacy and we're going to use an acronym invest intimacy necessitates value energy sacrifice and trust that's the word invest if we're going to be intimate it means we must have value energy sacrifice and trust let's begin with mental intimacy and we're just going to apply our acronym here so mental intimacy the ability to share thoughts on a deep level and to successfully find a point of agreement on essential issues now think about the importance of that related to marriage the ability really to share any thought remember intimacy means inner closeness unhindered access that i have access to your thoughts there's nothing that you're keeping from me and there's nothing toxic in our relationship that we can't share okay mental intimacy number one we're talking about intimacy necessitates value i value your thoughts your thoughts are important to me well i counseled a guy you know in in i was doing a seminar someplace in this this guy came to talk to me and he was just he was just as dumb as i was when i got married and he reminded me of me and um he had the worst marriage and he said uh and my wife's goofy she's just goofy he says every time she says something i just tell her you're goofy and he said so he's talking you know he has had three boys and in front of his boys he said it then his boy started saying it to her and every time she would say something the boys would say mom you're goofy you're goofy and then at the end so he's sharing about his marriage and how goofy his wife was and then he says and we have terrible sex now what do you think that she needs to do to make that right and i said you're the problem and he said what i said let me just tell you something right now i said every time your wife shares something as with you i said first of all you have you and three boys in the house thank god that there's a woman in that house and i said you desperately need her and what she's saying to you is not goofy it's right and you need to listen to it and i said just because it's not the way you think doesn't mean it's wrong you we are two halves of a whole man has a man brain woman has a woman brain together they make a god brain but you can't have it if you don't respect each other when you devalue and reject the thoughts of your spouse intimacy is out the window and i said i want you to go home and i want you to get in bed with your wife tonight and i want you to apologize to her he said what and i said you are wrong you should never again tell her she's goofy every time she talks you should say wow that's the smartest thing i've ever heard in my life i don't understand it i have to meditate on it a while but it's it's awesome and you tell your boys that you've been wrong and never to say that to your wife again well so the next day at the seminar he came big old smile on his face he said well we were up till three in the morning and i said talking or having sex he said both because he got in bed and said to her i am so sorry i had no idea what i was saying to you was doing what it was doing but jimmy evans told me that i was wrong i want you to know that i'm sorry and never again will i call you goofy she bawled her eyes out and then they were intimate they now counsel people in marriage they are the most awesome i am i'm so proud of them because you know he just he just took it on the chin he just okay i'm wrong he went he repented they have helped so many people in their marriages but think think about your spouse is sharing something with you your eye contact countenance you know somebody can be sharing something with you don't say anything wrong it's like and you just or or you know you're just not tuned in and you know you're you know that they're not listening to you well if you don't value what i'm saying we're not we're not going to have a successful conversation and what it means is because i know you don't value what i'm saying i don't want to share anything with you he said my spouse won't share with me what happens when they share okay here's here's the second energy i will work hard to listen and understand what you're saying i i'm going to have to let because you're different than me and because you come from a different perspective i'm not just going to be able to hear simply and understand it because you're a different person there are four money languages kenneth doyle a financial psychologist university of minnesota he discovered that we have different money languages we see money differently you you can look at a dollar and see it completely differently but it's all it's all legitimate well there is an there is a driver that means money is success drivers see money to them it means success they buy houses and cars and all these things and it just they feel successful and that's just the way they see money analytics see money as security they see a dollar bill and they think i'm going to stack them up and that's going to make me feel better about life okay they're amiables into amiable money is love it just means we have the ability to you know have a good life and go eat pizza together you know as money is love there are expressives and to an expressive money is acceptance i can buy the right clothes i can join the right clubs i can get to the right social groups because to them money means relationships so there's drivers there's analytics there's amiables and there's expressives karen is an analytic and i'm an amiable okay so we couldn't talk about money when we first got married i mean this was a toxic issue in our relationship that we could not talk about because karen wanted to save everything and i wanted to spend it it was just a tug of war in our relationship and she called me a spin thrift and i called her a tightwad and we just couldn't talk about i mean it made me so mad when she called me a spin thrift and i told karen i said you know you're the type of person you're going to die one day with all the money in the mattress and no one will like you and she said well at least i'll have a mattress i mean so now here's what we know today we make great decisions together we make great decisions because when we're talking about money i know i'm working to understand the way her mind thinks and karen conserves that's just the way that she thinks the way i think is i want to conserve also i like paying cash i like saving money i think that's the smart thing to do but i also like to enjoy our lives okay so here's the point if you're you are probably different in your money languages you're better if you're different because if you're the same you have the same weakness see if you're both amiable you probably have a lot of fun but you don't have much money if your analytics you have a lot of money you just don't have much money you know so if if you're different if you're different than one another it just means you have a balance to one another like karen and me we make great financial decisions together and because we respect that and we work hard to understand each other it makes a big difference another thing is this all your major needs are different all the major needs men need honor sex friendship with their wives and domestic support women need security soft non-sexual affection uh open and honest communication and leadership from their husbands we're completely different so understand when your spouse is talking to you if you don't work if you don't apply to yourself first of all i value what you're saying what you're saying is important and i value you i know you're very different than me but i'm not going to roll my eyes i'm not going to fall asleep i'm not going to do anything like that i value what you say and i'm going to work hard to listen and to understand it and if i don't understand it we're going to talk until i do understand it but i'm going to work number three is sacrifice i'm going to sacrifice my need to be right and to be judgmental when your spouse is sharing with you you need to understand it's the old saying you can either be right or be happy for some people they just always have to be right and they're very judgmental they they you know very quick with their mouth this is me he is very quick very i've never been at a loss for words and it's not a good thing i'm just telling you right now i wish i'd have been at a loss for words many times but but i'm i know what i'm going to say and what i have to do is restrain that and sometimes just walk away when it's no big deal and just say you know i'm going to be wrong and be happy i'm just not going to say anything i'm not going to judge what they say you don't have to be right sometimes you compromise sometimes you just go on with your life knowing that maybe you know you're right they're wrong and but you're not gonna say anything number four trust i'm gonna create a consistent caring atmosphere in my life where you are free to share any thought now listen i'm your safe place when something really fantastic happens in your life or something really terrible happens in your life you're always going to tell the safest person first right when you're going through something really good or really bad you're going to talk to the safest person in our marriage i was not the safest person karen never shared anything with me for the first several years of our marriage because i was an idiot and didn't care wasn't tuned in very judgmental had to be right and finally you know after years of you know our marriage being bad and then i changed and i repented and hung up my golf clubs and began to take care of karen and to meet her needs and and to say i was wrong and the issue about being naked is it means purity you can only have intimacy in an atmosphere of purity where you take responsibility for your mistakes and your spouse feels safe so years later when i had changed karen started sharing things with me and i said one time to her how long have you been thinking that she said well for years and i said why didn't you tell me before she said jimmy i didn't trust you she said you're just now to a place where i can say something and i can trust you with it david ashley from the naked marriage podcast have a new book called naked and healthy in this book they uncover the lifestyle your mind body spirit and marriage need they share their own health and marriage battles to reveal while your personal well-being and the health of your marriage are inextricably connected dave and ashley are a part of the xo marriage and the exo podcast network they are such an incredible couple and their message about living honestly with your spouse is life-changing get their new book at nakedandhealthy.com that's nakedandhealthy.com emotional embassy the ability to openly and safely express our emotions in an atmosphere of sensitivity care and emotional support okay it's the same thing now it's just on an emotional level we're talking about feelings okay if i hear here are the five main reasons couples fight okay when it comes down to the reasons that we fight here they are number one is work stress that's interesting number one reason for fighting is i'm stressed out i'm tired i'm stressed out i've been working both of us been working okay number two money number three is children it's the third reason that couples fight number four is sex sexual tension sexual frustration number five is housework okay just the house isn't taken care of you're not doing your job with the house work stress money children sex and housework but here's the real reason that we fight you don't care you don't care about the kids you don't care about the fact that i'm the one taking the kids all taking care of the kids all day long you don't care about the fact that the house looks bad and and that you're not doing anything to help me out here you don't care about how hard i'm working and about the sacrifices that i'm making and blah blah blah it's just it's just you don't care um karen you know the a lot of our biggest fights always happened in the car uh driving and uh it they happened because karen would say well karen yeah i scared her to death i mean the way i drove but i'm the greatest driver in the world you know my all my relatives you know race called car drivers in my mind you know my dreams but um so i'd be driving and karen you know and karen's very animated you know she's not a quiet passenger and she's a backseat driver a and b grabbing the dash grab screaming and putting her putting her feet up on the dash all that kind of stuff and and so it just would great get in a car and it was just great on me you know she'd be over there griping and so um one day i thought to myself you know i don't care how she feels now when we started dating i did when we started dating i picked her up in my car and i was so careful how i drove i remember thinking i don't want to upset her i want her to like me i want her to fall in love with me so i'm be super careful how i drive and i was it was that went out the window and she would sit over there and she would complain the entire time i was driving i didn't care and the day came when i slowed down and and karen is the type of a person that she'll you know this is men i know some of the men will understand this uh one stoplight she'll say you could have made that the next stoplight she'll say you're trying to kill us you ran through that stoplight so what i've learned is there is no right answer okay so some of the men are getting some healing out of this but but what i've learned is this life is better when i care i care that i'm scaring you i care that i'm upsetting you if i see that this is upsetting you i care about your feelings see we always care about each other's feelings when we first date and start relating don't we i mean we always do you all you're you're extremely empathetic when you first meet a person and empathy means to put yourself in another person's shoes see here's here's a here's a great thought i wonder what it's like to be married to me listen to this one i wonder what it's like to be on the other side of my mouth you ever thought about that one kind of a scary thought sometimes but on the other side of my mouth is a person's heart is a person's feelings you fall in love for two reasons number one you admire something in another person and number two you like the way they make you feel about yourself you don't fall in love with the person that makes you feel bad about yourself you fall in love with a person because they do something positive to your emotions i care about how you feel number two i'm gonna work hard to be sensitive to you and to meet your emotional needs well i just mentioned the four major needs of a man four major needs of a woman okay let me talk about first honor is the mega need of men it's the mega need it's the need above all needs security is the mega need of women when you're meeting our primary need when a man feels honored and a woman feels secure it is you're half the way there of meeting their emotional needs when a man feels disrespected and a woman feels insecure it is devastating to their emotional state it puts them literally into a state of hostility when a woman feels insecure she's having to take care of herself she's afraid not not because she's not a woman of god but it just she's vigilant she's having to take care of the issues that she shouldn't have to be taken care of nothing makes a woman feel as insecure as a selfless detached man nothing makes a woman feel more secure than a selfless sacrificial man we hear through our deepest needs literally we hear so everything a man says to a woman has to be encrypted with the language of security when you're speaking to a woman regardless of what the conversation's about here's what she wants to hear i'm yours first and to my hurt i'll take care of you work is second everything else is second you're first and i'll take care of you before i'll take care of me and you won't have to say it twice you won't have to nag you won't have to beg jesus says husbands love your wives as christ loved the church he gave himself and in that spirit i will take care of you she's she's in heaven that's what a woman wants to hear in every conversation you have to know that she's not just hearing your words she's hearing your attitude do you care about me do you understand how important security is same is true of a man when a woman is speaking to a man regardless of what the conversation is if you're going to meet his emotional needs and be his best friend he's got to hear in your voice i believe in you you're a good man you've got what it takes he's in heaven that's that's the mega need of men emotionally number three i will sacrifice this is sacrifice i'll sacrifice the need for you to feel the way i do for your needs to be valid or for me to meet your needs see karen and i just have different different emotions most of the time when you're meeting your spouse's needs in marriage rarely will you have that need at that time rarely when karen has a need that i'm meeting i don't have that need so what the worst marriages in the world are you have to feel the way i feel before your feelings are valid and you have to feel the way i feel before i'll respond to that need but in a good marriage what it means is i may not feel the way you feel right now but because you feel the way you do i'm going to come out of my world into your world and i'm going to take care of your need i'm going to i'm going to sacrifice my typical uh inclination to be selfish and detached and it's the way men and women both are emotionally if we're not careful lastly trust i will build an atmosphere where you're safe to share any feeling and to know what's valued and supported and here's here's the main thing my feelings may not be right but they're real i'm going to say half of my feelings aren't right you know what i'm saying i may be feeling jealous i may be feeling insecure i may be feeling angry i may be feeling down and you know they might might not be right but i need to share and when when i'm sharing my feelings i don't want to be judged for it sometimes i just need somebody to listen to me and say yeah i understand that that's my safe place it's where i can share any feeling and understand i'm safe to share that feeling and i won't be judged and i won't be scolded and i won't be shamed because of it [Music] hey this is brent evans with exo marriage and i want to thank you for listening to the marriage today podcast we believe your marriage has a 100 chance of success if you do it god's way if you enjoyed today's teaching and want to keep learning hey subscribe to the marriage today podcast and take some time to leave us a review your reviews help us spread the word and can encourage someone else in need for more great marriage content check out xo marriage.com where you can see all of our marriage building resources articles and live events

Channel: MarriageToday

Views: 29,418

Rating: 4.9348269 out of 5

Keywords: Jimmy evans, Karen Evans, marriagetoday, sex, love, relationship, christian, christian marriage, divorce, marriage advise, marriage help, xo marriage, dave willis, ashley willis

Id: bv0voQZ6kP0

Length: 26min 18sec (1578 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 15 2021