6 Types of People Who Do Not Deserve to Hear Your Shame Story | SuperSoul Sunday | OWN

in her second book the gifts of imperfection Brene says we need to look before we take the vulnerability leap and choose carefully who we open up to so I love in gifts of imperfection where you say if we share a same story with the wrong person they can easily become one more piece of flying debris so well said in an already dangerous storm we want solid connection in a situation like this something akin to a sturdy tree firmly planted in the ground we definitely want to avoid the following the friend who hears the story and actually feels shame for you she gaffes and confirms how horrified you should be then there's awkward silence oh yeah then you have to make her feel better oh yeah yeah ever had that happen oh my goodness were you like singled out for that person yeah now I'm still in shame and I have one less friend down I'm like in the friend who responds with sympathy I feel so sorry for you rather than empathy I get it I feel with you and I've been there if you want to see a shame cyclone turned deadly throw one of these at it oh you poor thing yes or the incredibly passive-aggressive southern version of sympathy I love this bless your heart yes that just made that gives me the shivers when you say that that's like I'm fixing to tear you down and God is on my side yeah it is the worst we've all been there the friend who needs you to be the pillar of worthiness and off that instant isset e she can't help because she's too disappointed in your imperfections because you've let her down yes painful the friend who is so uncomfortable with vulnerability that she scolds how did you let this happen the friend who is all about making it better and out of her own discomfort refuses to acknowledge that you can actually be crazy and make terrible choices you're exaggerating the person says it wasn't that bad yes and the friend who confuses connection with the opportunity to one-up you well that's nothing listen to what happened to me so when you open yourself up and you're vulnerable enough to share something that has shamed you what are you really looking for I'm looking for I'm looking for the person who loves me not despite my vulnerability and imperfection but because of it I'm looking for what I call my move the body friends I'm looking for the folks who are gonna show up and wade through the deep with me uh-huh and and I think it's a myth that you should have more than one or two of those you know the TV commercials that show 15 FS laughing and doing that kind of stuff uh-uh-uh-uh you got one person in your life who you can call and say I just told a bold-faced lie to someone I care about and have no way to get out of it and I'm gonna shame ya storm of epic proportion you have one person that look at you and say alright let's do this thing mm-hmm I'm with you I've done it let's talk it through you are so lucky and if you have two or three that's it that for gallery lottery Lorie and you know we what we all do myself included is we steamroll over those people to get the attention and appreciation of the people who will never show up first like that Wow so like you know you may be my best friend and you might be all around me all the time but there's folks there's women at the mall but I don't know they're the ones I'm really worried about yeah trying to please or prove yourself to them and you say of course we're all capable of being these friends but especially if someone tells us a story that gets right up in our own shame that's when you that's when it hits the nerve right you're human imperfect and vulnerable yeah yes it's hard to practice compassion when we're struggling with our own authenticity or when our own worthiness is off balance you know what means the most of me what means the most of me is if I go to someone with my shame story and my whole mantra is you share with people who've earned the right to hear your story damn that is good right don't gun it that you have to earn the right to hear my story it's an honor to hold space for me when I'm in shame like and so I want to share and if I share but we need to just hit us with that for a moment you should because this is how people get so messed up and violated they it's like the Bible says casting your pearls before swine it's offering yourself up to people who don't deserve to have that offering that's right and you have to think long and hard about who has earned the right to hear this story and with whom am I in a relationship that can bear the weight of the story Wow as powerful and if I go to someone and I share it and they come back with one of those bad not helpful not empathic answers yeah and then a week later or a day later an hour later they call and say I didn't show up for you you were so much in my stuff I couldn't I couldn't be with you and that that means even more to me we're not gonna do empathy perfectly mm-hmm you know we're not gonna have the right response every time yeah does that make sense it does it's it's so overwhelmingly powerful I have to take a break I have to just take a break right now you [Music]

Channel: OWN

Views: 2,580,240

Rating: 4.9245572 out of 5

Keywords: own, oprah winfrey network, own network, oprah, oprah winfrey, super soul sunday, inspirational, Dr. Brené Brown, Daring Greatly, shame, 6 Types of People Who Do Not Deserve to Hear Your Shame Story, #supersoulsunday, SuperSoul Sessions, SuperSoul Sunday, super soul sundays, oprah super soul sunday, brene brown, spiritual, Religion, God, Faith

Id: s8Pp7QB6GrE

Length: 5min 14sec (314 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 24 2013

Reddit Comments

[u/Cepheid95]

I found Brené Brown while searching for a "Man in the arena" speech, you can see her "The Power of Vulnerability" TED talk here. I think this could be helpful in this subreddit as well : ).

My favorite part of this video is when she says:

You have to think long and hard about who has earned the right to hear this story and with whom I am in a relationship that can bear the weight of the story.