I want to start by asking you a question. Do you have people in your life who are so
difficult or so demanding that when it comes time for you to speak your mind or ask for
what you want it's just not worth it but the amount of stress that is going to be caused
from actually doing it you'd rather just go along with what they're saying. My name is Terri Cole and I'm a licensed psychothereapist,
I am a relationship and boundary expert and I am also the founder of The Real Love Revolution
I wanted to talk to you today about these difficult relationships righ how can we set
boundaries with impossible people including narcissists including people who are super
passive-aggressive people so how can you do it so that is what this entire video is going
to be about so grab a cup of tea and let's get into it. Let's start with simply identifying what is
a boundary. So a boundary is really being clear, you being
clear about what is okay with you and what is not okay with you in relationships. So here's the problem. If you are raised in a family system that
didn't teach you healthy boundaries, and most of us were raised with some kind of dysfunctional
boundary system, right? It didn't have to be terrible. It's not always about abuse, but a system
that didn't really work. My own family was kind of waspy. So if something was difficult to talk about,
nobody actually talked about it. It was very, everything was sort of underground,
which it didn't mean that people weren't mad. It just meant that people weren't talking
about what they were mad about. You know, there are other systems and dysfunctional
ways of boundaries being expressed in family systems like screaming and yelling. This is one way. Now that's not effective, but it's very popular. Giving the silent treatment, being passive
aggressive when when someone in the family system could be the mom, could be the dad,
is everything okay? Yeah, everything's fine, but that person is
not acting like everything is fine. So before I can get into helping you and guiding
you in how you can actually draw boundaries with difficult people even narcissists. I want you to, we get to dive a little bit
into you and your own ability or lack of ability or a boundary style that you have right now
and how it got there. So let's just talk, I'm going to ask you a
couple of questions to think about so that we can start to figure out what is your, what
I call your downloaded boundary blueprint. So just think about the family that you grew
up in. Did people talk about problems? Were people allowed to express what they wanted? Were they allowed to disagree if they didn't
like something or were you punished if you disagreed from what the rest of the family
was doing? Was there effective communication or ineffective
communication when it came to asking for what it is that you wanted? Were you encouraged to speak your mind and
tell the truth, think for yourself or were you discouraged by being punished if you did
those things? So just take a minute and get an idea in your
mind a little visual of the way it was. So if I were thinking about, I am thinking
right now about the home that I grew up in, when things were good, everything was good. So there was a lot of communication about
what was right within our lives and the family system where there was trouble in my family
system that I grew up in was that nobody had the words to express themselves when they
were angry. So it was just like an emotion that was kind
of off the table. No one was allowed to be angry, which of course
did not mean that people were not angry. It just meant that we didn't feel like we
were allowed to express that anger. And if anyone did express anger it was, you
were definitely in trouble. Like that was not cool. So obviously that set me up to not be able
to draw boundaries when I was angry and to not be direct. So if you're not allowed to be angry, what
do you think that creates? Passive aggressive form of communication around
boundaries. Because if you're only allowed to communicate
when things are great, that's not living a full life, right? We have to draw boundaries when things are
not great Most. Usually when things are great, that's when
you have the least amount of boundaries you feel like you need to draw. So I would just want you to think about your
own home or situation that you grew up in so you have a little mental picture of the
way your family problem solved. Or if you were allowed to draw boundaries
or not, and the way that your parents did it or your siblings did it. So let's move on to what do you do now that
you have a little bit of an idea because this, this is the thing, drawing boundaries effectively
and healthily. It's actually learning an entirely new language. So don't worry, you're going to have a little
cheat sheet that you can download of a couple of steps and a couple of ideas of language
and phrasing that you can use. But before we get to that, I want you to think
about in your life who are the most difficult people that you have? Because when we think about people who are
narcissistic and difficult personalities, they're very exhausting, right? Narcissists can just exhaust us with their
demands, their entitlement, their bullying ways, their inability to compromise, their
inability to take in what you want and how much they resent. If you draw a boundary, I mean most narcissists,
if they're really narcissistic, they think they're above all, all other people's boundaries,
like they have no respect for your personal boundaries, and that includes your property,
your desires, your thoughts, your opinions, but they think they're above the actual law. I mean, this is one of the traits of someone
with narcissistic personality disorder. It can be an indication of it is they feel
like they have a right to steal things from the office that they work in and that those
pens are theirs and they could take them home or they have no problem cutting in line. They think that they're, those rules do not
apply to them. So in knowing this, imagine how they respond
to boundaries and if you have a narcissist in your life, then you know that they will
overreact and freak out and try to basically torch the village to really dissuade you from
trying to draw that boundary. So drawing boundaries with difficult people
is not for the weak at heart. I do have to say that. And you have to look at your own style right
now of drawing boundaries. Like what kind of a dance is it that you're
actually doing in your relationship with these difficult people? A lot of times when you're in these relationships
you just sort of give up. Even trying, I feel like this is going to
be so painful if I do it that maybe I'll just acquiesce again. But when you give in all the time to someone
else, you really start to lose yourself as a person. It's so, it's so dehumanizing when how you
feel, what you want, your desires, your preferences are never in the mix. It really makes you feel like a nonperson
in that relationship. Right? So I don't want you to give up. I want you to try. And then if you need to make bigger decisions
in your life about getting out of certain relationships or having limited contact with
certain people, then you can do that. But if you just give up on protecting yourself
or give up on drawing these boundaries, you really will end up really depressed. You know, you, we, all these lies that we
tell ourselves around why we don't draw boundaries that, you know, it's not that big of a deal. And I, you know, I'm kind of a go with the
flow type of person you could tell yourself, but in the end of the end, it's your job to
take care of yourself and to be clear about what it is that we want and what is okay with
us and what is not okay with us. That's basically what a boundary is, right? The simplest explanation that Brene Brown
gave was a boundary is letting others know clearly what is okay with us and what is not
okay with us. Now, could that be any simpler? I mean, that's pretty simple. So before we go into it, into how to do it
and and ideas of what you can do. I want you to close your eyes and bring to
mind the person or that you have the most difficulty drawing boundaries with in your
life. So think of the last time you tried to assert
yourself or say no to something or express your preference or disagree with them. What happened when you either attempted to
draw that boundary or wanted to draw that boundary? I want you to really visualize it. What stopped you from doing it or if you did,
attempt to what happened and just take another few seconds of visualizing this interaction. Okay? Now open your eyes and you should have a good
idea of the reasons that you find it difficult to draw boundaries with this person. Just from this exercise of seeing yourself
there. So a whole bunch of things could have happened. Either they could have shut you down or they
could have used like a diversionary tactic. If you say, Hey, I asked you to pick up your
clothes from the floor before. If you want me to wash them and you didn't
do it. If you keep leaving them there, I'm not gonna
wash them anymore. Whatever. Let's just say that was the boundary you were
trying to draw. They may then say, well, you're not so perfect
yourself. What about the way you left the car yesterday? Now that is a diversionary tactic so you don't
go with, we're not talking about yesterday and we're not talking about the car. I'd just like to make a simple request, whatever
the, I'm going to teach you how to actually make a simple request so that it's easier
to do this, but I wanted you to bring to mind what it is you're actually struggling with
because whatever came up in that exercise, right? This is going to be the place that we start
for you in learning how to draw healthy, appropriate, effective boundaries. And keep in mind you guys, this doesn't have
to be done in anger like and in fact, I strongly suggest it not be done in anger. So it can be done with patience, with kindness,
being polite, right, with love, that that is very possible to do because the truth is
drawing boundaries is probably the most loving act that you can execute in a relationship. Do you understand why I say that? When you draw a boundary, you're giving this
person Intel on you data information about what you like and what you don't like and
what your preferences. If the person really loves you, they'll care. Even if they're defensive initially. Hopefully eventually they'll care. So before we get into other tips that I want
to give you about this, I want you to really think about the fact that in a lot of relationships,
if you're very codependent, you most likely allow the other person to dictate what goes
on, what the mood is, what the feeling is in the relationship. You're sort of waiting to see, Oh, are they
in a good mood? Are they in a bad mood? Is it going to be a good night? Is it going to be a bad night? When you're drawing boundaries and getting
healthier in your life, you dictate how the mood is. You understand instead of dialing into their
mood, because the only way to draw appropriate boundaries is you have to be the boss of you. You have to be the boss of you, not letting
someone else be the boss of you. So don't let them dictate the mood in the
conversation and try to keep the mood kind the harmonious. There's no reason it's not necessary to to
fight viciously in drawing boundaries. It may feel very threatening to you to do
it. So it may make you feel like you have to do
it with anger and all of this power, but the truth is you don't. And I can teach you how. So let's get some language together for some
situations that you may find yourself in. And don't worry. Again, you'll have that little cheat sheet
so you'll be able to sign up and actually get that to give you ideas when you're actually
out there in the world trying to do it because it's very easy to forget how to do it. You may read it and go, Oh my God, that makes
total sense. Or hear me saying it and say, yes, I can definitely
do that. I'm definitely doing that. Then you get out there and you're in that
situation and the person's getting all aggressive and you have no idea what to say and you just
want to do, do what you would normally do. Right? So the first thing I want to talk about is
you stopping the bad conversation before it goes completely off the rails. So this is what I meant before when I was
saying that you dictate the mood. If you're talking to someone who has a temper
and they start to raise their voice or they start to name call or get hardcore into the
blame game, you have to just get yourself out of that conversation. You can leave that conversation saying, Hey,
the moment that you start raising your voice, I know nothing productive is going to happen. And so I'm telling you I'm not going to be
tolerating this type of interaction because it's not good for either one of us. So I'm getting off the phone and we can talk
again later if you're feeling more calm or whatever that is. So those are the words like stopping them. Hey, I just want to let you know that I'm
going to get off the phone now because you are starting to name call and it's not productive. If you want to talk about this calmly later,
if you think you can, we can revisit this, but right now I'm going to go and then you
hang up, you can say goodbye and then you turn off your phone. Now this is really hard for people who are
codependent to draw that kind of a solid boundary and then not go back on it. And it will kick up a lot of fear for you
to do this. But you can do it. You don't have to be mean. Don't call a name back. Don't be super aggressive. There's no reason to just get off the phone. And you can do this in person too. So your friend, if you're in an interaction
with someone and they want you to do something and you've said no, whether it's an ex that
you may be, you're co-parenting with a really aggressive or difficult or narcissistic ex
husband or wife, and they start to get all, you know, do that dance that they're trying
to suck you into. You can say, Hey, I'm absolutely not having
this conversation when you raise your voice. So this is me turning around and getting into
my car. We can have this conversation when you can
be calm, but I'm going to tell you right now that every single time we talk, every single
time you raise your voice, I will be ending the conversation until we can do it calmly. It's not good for me. It's very uncomfortable and I'm not doing
it. But you have to be solid and then you have
to get in your car and you have to drive away if you're in person with that person. So again, this may seem like very bold moves,
but you have to make a decision. And don't worry, I'll give you ideas of how
to start small. But you can't give in, especially someone
who's a narcissist all the time, right? They want what they want when they want it. You can't, don't, don't allow yourself to
be hurt that they're so selfish in that they don't, they don't take you into consideration
even if it is a current relationship because your job is to either make them, take you
into consideration because of your amazing ability to draw boundaries because it's really
about you taking you into consideration like do you understand that, that it's not their
job. Even though it would be lovely to be in a
relationship with someone who was super thoughtful and did that naturally, and I'm sure there's
plenty of people who out there who do, but it's not your partner's job to do that. You are the boss of you. It is your job to say, Hey, this really doesn't
work for me, or I really don't like that, or can I make a simple request that if you're
going to be more than 10 minutes late, you call me and let me remind you that if you're
going to be more than 20 minutes late, I will be eating without you because I really, that
really is upsetting to me after I worked so hard to make this meal or whatever. Whatever your reasoning would be, not to mention
just being 20 minutes late for a dinner you made is pretty rude, so if it's, if someone
does it on a regular basis, you have to come up with the language instead of now let's
think about what you might normally do. Be withdrawn in anger. They show up, you act all pissed off so you're
all frozen and mad and they're all trying to get you not to be mad by making stupid
conversation about nothing and trying to make you laugh about something or being super nice
or complimenting how great the food is or how great you look when all of this, all those
things may be true. Maybe you do look great, maybe the food is
awesome, but when they're, you're having that conversation as a reaction to this covert
communication, it's super ineffective and it might feel good for like that minute that
they're trying to get you not to be mad, but what I care about you guys is your long term
mental health and this that doesn't do it. You becoming the boss of you and the boundaries
and what's okay with you and what's not okay with you and what you will do and what your
limits are that is on you to communicate clearly. And if someone is a repeat offender, then
you have to, there has to be consequences. If someone is 20 minutes late all the time,
there has to be consequences if that drives you crazy. Hey, I have friends who were 20 minutes late
all the time and I accept it in them because I know they're going to be 20 minutes late. I plan for them to be 20 minutes late and
trust me, for me to be dealing with you being 20 minutes late all the time, you must be
really, really special in other areas. And that's a choice. You understand? All right, so let's go into some situations. So I just, I just plucked a few from my, from
my therapy practice. So over the years of people who've had situations
where I had one client who had a boss who was a super narcissist and was incredibly
entitled to her time. And so he said, Oh I told the team that you
would work overtime on Friday because Amy is away. And we knew this was going to happen because
he had done it before. So we came up with what her reply would be
and she said, Oh, I'm sorry, I'm actually traveling on Friday right after work. So I will be unable to do the overtime and
I'd like to make a simple request that in the future going forward, give me some lead
time because if I can do it I'd be happy to do it. But like this Friday I actually can't do it
cause I already have other people that have already paid for tickets. So I'd like to just make that simple request
that if you can ask me a couple of days before or we can get a schedule up. So they actually, in the end of that situation,
they ended up doing a, like a group, Google doc type of thing. And actually something did change. I mean not Google doc, a Google calendar and
it did actually change, although her boss was really pissed and kind of was mocking
this guy was such an idiot. But anyway, but she didn't work on that Friday
and she didn't get fired. So, but she was shaking to actually give that
reply. But she did it. So let's say another one is, I had a client
who had an ex boyfriend, also pretty narcissistic, who would just tell her how it was going to
be even after they were broken up. So he'd left some crap in her shed and he
was like, okay, so I'm coming over tomorrow, at two o'clock to pick up my crap from your
shed. I know where the key is. And she was like, okay, well I'm not going
to be home tomorrow and it's not okay with me that you go to the house or go into the
shed when I'm not there. I need you to respect my boundaries and my
schedule. And if you don't, I'll be compelled to call
the police about you trespassing. And of course he flipped out, but I can tell
you he did not go to her house when she was not there. And she made sure that she had two other people
with her the day that he did pick up his crap from her shed. So again, but can you imagine how scary it
sounds so simple. Of course, when I'm saying it, because it
wasn't my narcissist ex-boyfriend. It sounds simple, you know, but you know that
even if the word sounds simple, it's takes courage to actually say them. I had a client who had this, I called her
her boundary bully friend who was always kind of bossing around and you know, a lot of work
that I was doing with this client was about empowerment and how she could get empowered
to speak her preference in this relationship with this woman. So she had said to her, Hey, I want to, I'm
having a dinner in the city for our reunion. So there's a whole bunch of girls who hung
out together, women who hung out together and they were, um coming from other places
and she'd asked my client, I know you hate going into the city, do you mind? And she was like, please, please, please don't
make it in the city. I don't want to go into the city. I really don't. I've been having trouble with my night vision,
all these things. But she was specifically, it was like, I don't
want to do it. And then she ends up getting a note from her
friend saying, Hey, and she did it on a reply all like just to make my client be like in
the hot seat saying, Hey, I know you said you really weren't into doing it in the city
but everyone else can do it in the city and wants to please, please just this one last
time, do it in the city, don't be a party pooper. Like all that. And my client held firm, she felt really manipulated
because that was really manipulative and she actually, instead of hitting reply all, she
just replied to the one person who had planned it and said, Hey, I was really clear about
my preference. I asked you specifically not to plan it. I don't appreciate you doing a group email
and calling me out and trying to like peer pressure me into doing it. And this is just a symptom of other issues
in our friendship. So I will not be doing the dinner in the city
and I really need you to respect my boundaries going forward. And her friend was like, I'm really sorry. I can't believe how mad you are. And actually in that case the friends changed
it and did the dinner in Jersey, which is where my friend lived and did it close to
her house. So it did work out. Now I don't know if any of those situations
resonate with you, but the real thing that I want to talk about, cause it doesn't matter
what it is, I mean you, you guys in our visualization exercise before were able to sort of think
about the last difficult one that you needed to draw or wanted to draw. But the crucial element, the key to really
doing it successfully is consistency. And this is where it gets really hard. You might get really heated and then it happens
again and you're like, Ugh man, I don't feel like dealing with this. I don't care. So I need you to care. And if you're going to draw a boundary with
someone and really become a boundary Ninja would you can, do you have learn the boundary
basics. I'm going to be doing a whole bunch of videos
in the next couple of months because it's leading up to my boundary bootcamp challenge,
which is going to be the end of August. I'm super, super excited for this. And then I'm launching boundary bootcamp where
you can learn everything you've ever needed to know about boundary drawing in your life. So I want you to really think about getting
consistent. And again, as I said, this is not for the
weak at heart, right? You have to really want it to work and a great
exercise for you to do and don't worry, it'll be in that downloaded thing that you're going
to be able to do. Our little cheat sheet is I want you to think
of that situation that we did in the exercise before and then you're going to come up with
simple, solid, firm, calm language to draw the boundary that you want to draw it with
that person so and then you can share it on the website because this will be right up
as my blog and if you need help I will help you and ladies if you're in you're already
in my real love revolution I have a Facebook page that's you know a Facebook group that
is free please do it I"m sorry guys it's only for women just go to Faceook and look for
it The Real Love Revolution and if you are not if you're not already signed up and actually
subscribe to my youtube channel please do and let me know other videos that you would
like for because I'm always taking your requests and trust me I'm writing them all down and
in my next batch of videos I'm going to be doing a bunch of request videos that you guys
have actually sent in so now you have some language ideas of how to draw these I'd like
to make a simple request, please stop, I would prefer if we did this, thee are all easy ways
of drawing that boundary and really it just takes you having the courage to do it and
I know that you can so if you liked this please share it on social media share it with your
friends your family people you think need some help on drawing clear and concise loving
flexible beautiful boundaries in their life I can definitely help them I super appreciate
you guys being here with me, I hope you have an amazing week drawing really nice boundaries
and as always take care
