Well, hello there and welcome to this episode
of the Terri Cole Show that I wanna start with a question. Do you have any boundary bullies or
what I like to call repeat boundary offenders in your life? You may feel like a broken record. Like
you're always saying the same thing, like, "let me know that you're gonna be late." Or, you know,
they're doing the thing they say they're not going to do, they're acting like they're not going to do
it again when you confront them and then they do. So what do you do in that situation?
How can you stop that round-robin or that groundhog day of frustration and pain
and suffering? Well, in today's episode, I'm gonna be talking all about how to create
appropriate consequences for boundary violations and how we can communicate this in a way so that
we are understood by the people in our life.
Now, that doesn't mean they're going
to do everything we want them to do, but communication at least gives them an
opportunity to do the things that you want them to do. But before we get started, if you happen to
be new to my channel, please introduce yourself in the comments cuz we are a friendly group. And
don't forget to subscribe and hit the bell so that you get notified every time I roll out new
videos, which is every Tuesday and Thursday, to help you uplevel the joy, satisfaction, success
in your life and reduce the pain and suffering, because that is what I am all about. I also love
all your comments. I so appreciate how active this channel is. Thank you for all your questions.
Thank you for being here and supporting each other. And I love to highlight your comments.
So I'm gonna highlight behappy1964.
This was under the episode called Are You Settling
In Your Life? Four Signs to Watch Out For and What To Do Instead. And BeHappy1964 says, "Terri, this
entire episode spoke to me. You encapsulated every aspect of this topic in such a way that it is so
relatable. I've caught myself asking questions, it's not that bad bar, right? How is this showing
up for me? Your content is life changing and I thank you for opening up further opportunities
to grow within each and every episode. Yes, right? We don't want to say it is not that bad if
we are suffering. So I appreciate your comment, Behappy1964. Thank you, thank you, thank you for
letting me know. Thank you for telling me. Thank you guys for being here. I super duper appreciate
you. All right, so we can start at the top with boundaries. Part of what inspired me to do this
episode is that I recently had created a 10 day boundary challenge for Insight Timer, which I'm
on, by the way, if you guys don't know and you want meditation in your pocket, I'm right there
and I've got tons of free meditations on Insight timer. I love being there. But the feedback
from the people taking the 10 day boundary challenge was that they loved it, but one comment
came up and they asked about boundaries and consequences and wanted more information like
on how to actually do it. Maybe more examples. So let's just start with what are boundaries? If
you listen to my podcast, if you watch the YouTube stuff, then I talk about this a lot. But hey, many
of you are new. So according to me, boundaries are basically you knowing your preferences, your
limits, your desires, and your deal breakers, and having the ability to share them when you
want to verbally express them. Your boundaries are basically your own personal rules of engagement.
And these let other people know what's okay with you and what is not okay with you. So that's
the working definition of boundaries that my book is based on, that all my work is based on.
So at least we're all starting in the same place. Why is it important that we set boundaries? That
we communicate our preferences, our limits, our desires, and our deal breakers? Well, one thing
is that it's a way that we protect ourselves, right? Our own sovereignty. If someone is
trampling on our boundaries, by establishing what they are with words, by letting them know,
we are protecting ourselves. But another amazing thing that communicating your boundaries, talking
true as I like to say, telling the truth about how you feel about things and what you want and
what you need, this also promotes a healthy relationship or healthy relationships because we
do this in all the relationships in our life, and it also protects the relationship itself because
when these go unspoken, when our needs go unmet, what do you think happens? We get resentful, we
get pissed off, our feelings start changing.
And a lot of times the people that we're in
relationships with have no idea how we're feeling. They know something's wrong, they just
don't know what, because we're not saying... I feel like another thing that boundaries really
does, having healthy boundaries and knowing what they are and being able to express them, is
that it really establishes your own self-respect, your ability to take personal agency over your
own life, right? I always talk about having a self-determined life and how incredibly important
that is. So that's all the great stuff about boundaries, but let's bring it one step further.
What are consequences? So the way that I teach it with boundaries is that we have boundary first
timers. So that's someone who you've not had a conversation with, and then we have repeat
offenders and then we get into having like, you know, boundary destroyers and a whole
bunch of other really, really rough stuff.
But let's just start with the basic stuff,
which is if someone is a boundary first timer, if you have never told them how you feel about
something, if you've never set a limit, if you've never told them your preference, right? They're
just going under the assumption that whatever is happening is fine if you are not saying that
it's not. And then we have the repeat offenders, and those are the people I was sort of talking
about at the top of this, which is the people who, they violate a boundary that you've set, they
say they're not gonna do it again, and then they do it again, and then you complain again, or you
get upset or you cry or whatever it is. And that doesn't actually change their behavior. So here's
the thing with consequences, is that consequences, it is basically letting the other person know
that if they continue violating your boundaries, that this is the action you will take, right?
Because here's the thing, we cannot control other people, and I want you, let's get really
clear right now. Consequences are not about controlling or punishing others. They're really
about the same thing. The boundaries are about protecting ourselves, having self-respect,
and in turn, that protects our relationships. So the importance of having consequences for
boundary violations is that if you don't, what inspires the other
person to change? Sometimes with a boundary first timer, you can tell
them how you feel and say, I would prefer if, or could you please call me when you say
you're going to, or whatever it is. And they may literally just get right on board and be
like, oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize, you're right, I said I would call you at
eight and I didn't do it and I'm sorry and it won't happen again. Now, that may
sound unrealistic to you, but I promise you I've been teaching this for decades.
Sometimes literally people just don't know, or they're clueless or they don't have the ability
to like take the temperature, your temperature, the temperature in a room. Some people just
are not good with social cues. So when we sort of get into that default position of
being like, well, they should just know, or I don't know why, if they were raised right,
they'd know, or if they were a decent human being, they'd know - none of that stuff is true. But once
you share with the person how you feel, what you want, what your limit is, if they then respect
it, they're no longer violating your boundary, right? So then that person is kind of, okay, now
we've established a new way of interacting, great. With repeat offenders, this is
really where consequences come in. And this is the sad truth about human beings.
Generally speaking, pain is our greatest motivator. So a consequence isn't to inflict pain
necessarily on someone else, but it probably will. Meaning, a lot of times our consequences are like,
I will no longer do this, right? So in removing yourself, making yourself unavailable for certain
interactions, that person is going to feel the loss of you in that interaction. We have to set up
consequences because if not, you could just spend the rest of your life having the same fight in
your relationship, having the same fight in your family of origin, feeling unheard, feeling unseen,
feeling trampled over. Like this happens all the time in people's lives, but it's also completely
avoidable. So what are the challenges to setting consequences? Before I get into the how to do
it. Well, fear, right? We are afraid of conflict. Many of us, we are afraid to be rejected.
We are afraid to be perceived as selfish. We are afraid that we're going to feel guilty
if we assert ourselves. Cuz a lot of us, if you have been a people pleaser in your
life, there's a certain level of comfort in being a bit of a martyr. And that
may not feel great to hear or to know that it's true, but it is, cuz I was there. So
certainly you guys by now know that I'm sure as hell not judging you because I became an expert
on this because I was a disaster on this. And that whole feeling of being used and abused and
feeling underappreciated, when so much of the time we have not asserted our preferences, our limits,
or our deal breakers in those relationships. And if we have, we have not set a consequence
if the person continues to violate. So it's an incredibly important aspect of having healthy
boundaries and having healthy relationships.
So in the guide you guys that goes along with
this episode, just go to terricole.com/guide. I'm gonna talk about some of it now, but I'm giving
you a bunch of examples, like actual scripts of what to say when you're setting a consequence
with someone. Because here's the thing with consequences: they need to be comparable sort
of to what the violation is, right? Not all boundaries are created equally, which is why I
put them in categories of preferences, limits, and deal breakers, right? Your deal breaker means
that is a non-negotiable boundary for you.
So maybe in your life, a non-negotiable
boundary is someone who has had therapy. That was one for me. Before I met my husband,
I was like, no more unexamined minds, no thanks. Like, it's been so frustrating
and so exhausting. I need someone who's taking care of their own mental health and
then we can come together and talk about it. That was the deal breaker. A lot of my friends
didn't understand that. I also didn't wanna be with someone who was in recovery. I am.
Well, one person who has addiction issues in a relationship is enough for me, and that can
only be me. And again, people didn't understand, but I kind of didn't give a sh*t because my
feeling was they don't have to understand. My deal breakers are my business that I must
share with the people in my life. And your deal breakers are you have a right to what they are,
even if other people don't understand it. Like they don't have to understand it, you know? But
you have to know it because how can we establish healthy boundaries and how can we establish
appropriate consequences if you don't know what your deal breakers are? Because I found a lot
of times in my therapy practice and in my groups, women in particular will question whether
they have a right to that deal breaker.
And I say, you do, as long as your deal breaker
isn't about controlling the other person, right? You can have a preference that you and your
person, let's say, if you don't live together, communicate once a day. But you saying, well,
it's my boundary that when you're out with your friends, you call me every hour or you
text me every hour. That is not a boundary, that's just control. And we need to see
the difference, right? Because if you say, my preference is that we talk once a day, which I
don't think that that's out of control. But again, I'm a talker, so I wouldn't mind that if the other
person is not a talker or they don't like that, you might have to compromise. But you can
only do it if you put your preferences out for the other person to see.
And that's where we have the ability to negotiate for our preferences, for what it is
that we would like. And then you can meet in the middle. If the other person says, I find it very
distracting during the day, can we please just do it Monday, Wednesday and Friday and then
see each other all weekend? Whatever. You can come to terms with what that is together, but
not unless you're talking about it. The reason why I say in relationships, any relationships
that establishing boundaries early and often is really prudent is because you are already
training people how to treat you. You are saying what I want, how I feel, what I think is important
when you think it's important, right? We can't put it on the other person that only they can think
it's important. When you have self consideration, someone wants you to meet them somewhere or you
know, do it on a day that doesn't work for you.
And instead of saying something, you
cancel your plans and then they cancel last minute and now you're all pissed off.
Why not just assert yourself and say, "Hey, that Wednesday doesn't work. I'm free Thursday
and the following Wednesday," right? This is a way of getting your need met and respecting
yourself. All right. Long way around the barn. Let's get back to consequences.
Boundaries early and often are helpful, right? And I don't think that we immediately set
up consequences unless you're talking about deal breakers. So one of my friends, Lisa Bilyeu,
who has a really amazing podcast that I was on, I saw her when I was out there in California.
She told me she had two big deal breakers that she told her husband as soon as they
started dating. She was like, so, you know, if you ever cheat on me or lay a hand on
me in like an aggressive way, there'll be no ever coming back from that for me.
Like that will end the relationship. Now some people may say, well that's like, wow -
I thought it was amazing. I'm not saying her husband Tom had any plans of cheating on her
or hitting her, but she was so clear from the beginning that there's also a lot of respect
in knowing who you are and just saying, "Hey, this will be the the end of us." And that is a
major consequence, right? Again, the consequences, we want them to be proportionate to the violation
and being really mindful that we're not using them as a manipulation technique. Part of the thing
with consequences is Lisa's husband knew. Again, I'm not saying he ever would've thought
of doing those things, I have no idea. But he was so clear upfront from what she
said of what that consequence was and was he willing to risk it to do any of those actions.
It's important to remember also that boundaries and consequences so much of the time it seems
like, the myth about boundaries is that it's sort of about punishing or controlling other people.
And as I said at the top, it's not that at all. So if you have someone who, let's just say
a family member who stops by your house without letting you know, you can say, let
them know, "I appreciate that you wanna visit, but I actually would make a simple request that
you give me a heads up text to see if it's a good time for me because I work from home and it's not
always a good time for me." Then if that person continues to break that boundary by just stopping
by, you basically have to say, "Hey, I asked you multiple times to let me know and now I'm going
to tell you straight up, do not stop by.
And if you do without texting, I'm not going to
open the door." I mean, now that may sound like extreme, but I don't think it is. I had a client
who had this happen with her parents. They moved close to where she was and they just thought there
was an open door policy and she was finally like, no. And then she actually, that client changed
the locks to her house. Her parents had had a key and they were so upset at first, and then they
finally had a family meeting and she was like, "you guys, I asked you so many times. You were
violating my boundary, my need for privacy, my home, my sanctuary, where I also work. How
do you know that I'm not having sex with my husband while you're just walking in the door?
Like it doesn't work. And I gave you plenty of warning and I asked you multiple times and
it really upset me, your lack of respect for how I felt about it, and now this is where
we are." Then they started respecting. Eventually about eight months later, she gave them a key
because she was going away and wanted her them to water her plants. But it was something that
was an extreme step for her to actually take that step. And I do not think that that is an
unreasonable consequence when you have repeat offenders. And family of origin, you guys, can
be the worst. I mean, partners can be bad too, but family of origin, it's almost like her
parents couldn't stop thinking of her as a child and feeling like whatever they do is fine to do,
you know? So anyway, in the guide I'm giving you sort of the steps for you to come up with your
own consequences for boundary violations.
But I'll give you another example. So if you're
in a meeting and you have a coworker who is always interrupting while you're talking, you can say
right there, "Hey, I'd appreciate it if you'd let me finish my thought before jumping in. I
would love it if we could take turns speaking during the meeting." So that's setting a regular
boundary. It's it's making a simple request that they stop cutting you off. It's doing it in a
way that's not like totally humiliating them, right? But if they are a repeat offender, you have
to then go to them and say, "I cannot continue to have productive meetings if you keep
interrupting. And if the behavior continues, I'm gonna need to talk to our supervisor and go
to HR so that they can help us find a solution because I'm not willing to sit there and be
interrupted the entire time" or whatever.
So that's the consequence. Now you're letting them
know, and again, that may have been the second or third time they did it, and you're saying, if this
happens again, this is what I'm doing. So a lot of times we'll give the person a heads up like, "Hey,
I've already asked you" just like my client with their parents. "I've already told you this doesn't
work for me. You continue to ignore my feelings. So this is the action." With her parents, she
didn't even warn them because she had had four different conversations with them about them
stopping by and they still were doing it. She really wanted that pow effect of being like,
and now your key doesn't work. And that was appropriate for the way that she felt for how
hurt her feelings were. She was also willing to let the chips fall where they may.
And this is the whole thing with consequences, is we cannot threaten to do something that we're
not willing to do. And it can also be simple. It can be someone who always leaves you sitting where
you're always late, you make a simple request. "If you're gonna be late, let me know." And if
they don't do it, then you can say, "listen, the next time you don't let me know I'm leaving
the restaurant because me sitting here for 20 minutes is so infuriating and hurts my feelings
and I don't wanna do it." And then the next time, if they leave you sitting more than 10 minutes, you leave. At least that's what I did when
I was in my twenties. And this is how I established a better relationship actually
with one of my sisters who was always late, never letting me know. And it was so infuriating
and it was totally handleable, right?
Like it was figure outable as my pal Marie Forleo
would say, where I could just not put myself in that situation. And I also had a friend and I've
talked about this before, who was always super, super late and I just stopped meeting her
in public places. I only was like, "Hey, why don't we just meet at my apartment? Get there
when you get there." And as long as I was home, I always would do it on a Sunday when I knew I
was gonna be home because I really loved that friend and I really wanted to be with her.
I didn't need it to be like a consequence to her because she was, she's still late all
the time, even to her own events, right?
But I really loved her and I got something
from the friendship. So I protected myself by changing what I was willing to do. I'm just
not willing to meet her in public anymore. So there's lots of different ways of approaching
consequences, but I hope that this episode has given you food for thought about how you can be
more effective in your boundary setting. Don't forget to go get the guide, terricole.com/guide,
where I'm giving you examples and ways that you can come up with your own consequences. Thank
you, thank you, thank you for spending time with me today. You know, I appreciate you guys
so very much, and as always, take care of you.
