Are there certain people in your life that
every time you talk to them or try to make a plan with them, you feel like they just
completely trample on your boundaries. That even if you do protest and say, I don't
want to do that, or I would prefer to do this, they somehow still just ram their agenda through? My name is Terri Cole. I'm a licensed psychotherapist. I am a relationship and boundary expert, founder
of the Real Love Revolution and the upcoming Boundary Bootcamp. So in this video, welcome to this video where
we're going to be talking about how to deal with boundaries when you have boundary bullies
in your life, including narcissists. And you guys know that I do a lot of vids
about narcissists and difficult people because this is the stuff that so many of you write
in and tell me that you need help with. So boundary bullies, how do we deal with them? The truth is that we have to deal with ourselves
first. So before I can get into any tips and strategies
and I will give you them by the end of this video, you have to really look at yourself
because all of us have blueprints. I downloaded blueprints that got downloaded
in childhood from experiences that we had. So it isn't, I can't give you a blanket statement
that says this is exactly how you personally should handle boundary bullies. I'm going to give you some strategies and
tips that I know will work with any boundary bully, even a narcissist. But in order for you to know which ones you're
most comfortable using, you have to understand, how did your relationship to boundaries and
to bullies come into place? Right? Where in your young life, where did you learn
how to draw boundaries or where did you learn that it was not okay to draw boundaries? Did you have a boundary bully in your life
growing up? Was one of your parents very domineering and
were you not allowed to have boundaries? So anyway, the first thing that we're going
to do is we're going to ask, I'm going to ask you a couple of questions for you to start
thinking about, and then there's going to be a cheat sheet that you can download at
the end of this episode, so you don't have to take notes, but I do want you to think
about what I'm asking you. So just close your eyes and when you were
a little kid, were you allowed to assert a boundary? Were you allowed to say no? Were you allowed to express your preference
about something? Were you allowed to disagree with what other
people in the family thought or wanted to do or whatever it is? So really try to go back there and think about
how was it when you were growing up? Did you have the space to do that? Were you encouraged to do that or did you
up grow up in a chaotic system where that probably wasn't even an option, right? If you had abuse in your family background
or addiction or alcoholism, then asserting yourself when you're in a chaotic system,
you're not learning these skills because what we're learning is how to stay safe as a kid,
right? Learning how to draw boundaries. This is like a higher level of functioning
that many of us just didn't grow up in healthy enough family systems to learn. But hey, don't worry because you can learn. Just don't give up. And if you really want to become a boundary
ninja, you can, none of these things are fatal or terminal diseases, right? You actually can learn, but you have to be
willing and you have to start with looking at yourself because that's the beginning of
where these answers are. So I don't know what you came up with with
those questions that I just asked you, but in the little cheat sheet, there'll be a few
more of those questions so you can start to gain clarity about why you are the way you
are when it comes to boundary bullies, because we're all so very different. The way that I would respond to someone who's
trying to trample my boundaries is very different than the way you would probably. And the way I would have responded when I
was 21 is very different than I than I would today. So a lot of it has to do with your own evolution
as well. So the first thing you're going to do is you're
going to get your downloaded boundary blueprint around bullies handled so you can understand
why you personally respond the way you do. And now let's move into, I have a bunch of
tips for you so that you can figure this out and you're not letting boundary bullies dominate
and control you in your life. But it is a skill set and it is something
that might take a minute or two for you to learn. So just, just trust me when I tell you that
you can learn, right? Just have faith that if you stay the course
and you keep watching these videos and other great videos that are out there on YouTube,
you can learn, you know. So the second thing we're going to do, and
many of you, if you've watched a lot of my vids or you've listened to a lot of my podcasts,
you know this thing that I talk about called the three Qs, which is the three questions
that we ask ourselves in any situation where we're conflicted or where we're having, we're
feeling frustrated, we're feeling guilty, we're feeling angry in a dynamic with someone. We ask the three Qs, why do we ask the three
Qs? What is that about? The three Qs are for you to be able to identify
if you're having in therapy land, we call it a transference. Are you responding to someone now basically
from an unresolved injury or experience from the past? And if you are, why do you think it's important
that you know it? Oh, because you can't respond effectively. You can't respond appropriately if you're
really being charged and fueled from an earlier incident that has nothing to do with what's
happening now. So if you have someone who you consider kind
of a boundary bully or a narcissist in your life when you're interacting with them before,
right now, you can think of it and it'll be in the cheat sheet as well. Ask yourself the three Qs, which is who does
this person remind me of? That's the first Q. And I promise you they
will remind you of someone. The second Q is where have I felt like this
before? And the third question is why is this behavioral
dynamic, right, meaning your interaction with that person, why is that familiar to you? So when you take a minute and start to write
down basically the origin of your interaction with a boundary bullier with a narcissist,
you start to understand that everything is connected. So that is the second thing you're going to
do. The first thing is you're going to figure
out your blueprint. The second thing is you're going to ask the
three Qs. And then the third idea I have for you is
to stop automatically nodding your head yes. When people ask you to do something right,
just stop. You don't owe anyone that like you actually
have a right to say no and have a right to your own time. But the way that we can buy the time for you
to say no is you must stop automatically saying yes. So when you learn to say no when you want
to early and often this spares you drama down the road with that person. So how do you do that? If you're not used to saying no, you really
want to do is just buy yourself time. So you can always say, Oh Hey, you know what? I have to check the calendar with my husband
or my wife. I have to check my kid's schedule and I'll
get back to you on that. You do not have to give someone an answer
right now. It is not necessary. A lot of times with my, my therapy clients,
they would be so shocked when I would say, hey, you don't owe anyone that. Buy time, the same way that I say turn your
phone off at night. I mean unless you have teenage kids, then
you probably want to keep it on, but most of the time in life, everything can wait. If something terrible happens, as my mother
would tell you, bad news travels fast. If there's something need to know and your
phone is off, trust me. Someone will be knocking at your door, you
will know it, but in the meantime you buy yourself space, expansion, psychological and
mental privacy, because you don't owe anyone an instant answer. The next tip I have for you is to stay calm. If you feel like you're being sort of attacked
by a boundary bully or you, you try to draw the boundary and they're immediately trying
to go over you and say why your boundary is a terrible idea or why you're being selfish. The these are some of the tricky things that
boundary bullies like to do is they play on your guilt because they know that you're a
good person and so they tell you that you're being selfish if you don't give them what
they want. That is not true. You are being self-protective, which is your
right to be. So stay calm no matter what is happening. State your boundary. Once you get to the point of actually verbalizing
the boundary, you're going to state it calmly and very, very clearly so that they can't
guilt you by saying you were unclear. They didn't understand what you meant. You can even say, okay, so, so you understood
what I said, that I'm unavailable on Saturday between 9 and 12 so that is not going to work
for me. I can't believe you. I can't do it any other time. Blah, blah, blah. You can say, um okay, but I'm actually unavailable
Saturday between 9 and 12. You just stay the course continued to repeat
what it is that you're saying. Don't respond to them throwing a hissy fit
or basically having a temper tantrum like a two year old, which is what a lot of times
will happen. Just stay firm but calm and when you stay
calm, you also want to be mindful to, to, to look at the language that you're using. No shaming, no guilting, no blaming, right? You're going to stick with I statements and
not blame them. This is your choice. Drawing a boundary, that it's our choice to
draw a boundary with people. You don't have to be available between 9 and
12 on Saturday unless it's a work situation. And I did, you guys know that last, last week
there was a, the video was about how to Boundary bootcamp at work. So if you want to learn about that, look at
last week's video. In the meantime, you want to stay calm and
you don't want to do to them, right? We're trying to raise the bar on the way that
you're interacting with this person. So if you allow them to drag down your behavior,
then you're really doing yourself a disservice. Because the truth is there's the greatest
power in basically deciding that nobody else has the power to lower your level of integrity,
right? You decide how you will behave. In my life, no one can make me act beneath
my level of integrity, even if they act really terribly, because I don't want to act terribly
no matter what they're doing. That doesn't serve me. And it's not who I am, so we don't let people
who are boundary bullies dictate basically the rules of the game. You are going to be elevating that by sticking
to I statements, making a simple request. You know, I always say this about boundaries. You can say, I'd like to make a simple request
that we pick another time because Saturday between 9 and 12 does not work for me. Again, being super, super clear, super, super
calm. The next tip I have is for you to not get
sucked back into that dance, right? No matter what the other person does or says,
you still have the power to not do that familiar dance. And when I say dance, what do I mean? All of our relationships, we're doing a dance. It is an interaction that is pretty predictable. At some point, right? She's going to say this, then you're going
to say this, then she's going to say this, then she's going to leave or you're going
to be pissed and you're going to slam the door. Whatever it is. It's just this cycle. We see it over and over again. And the only way that that dance changes is
if you change it. So be familiar, be aware of the familiar ways
that this person tries to get you back on the dance floor. And because the people who love us, and even
the people who are just friends with us, people are not in love with us changing. They're not in love with that. So when you change, people are going to notice
when you do something different and you basically change that dance move, that other person
is going to be aware of that. And in being aware of it, they will unconsciously
want you to change back because they don't understand the new dance, right? They're, they're unconsciously, they want
what's familiar. But if you don't want to continue doing this
dance that doesn't work for you, you're going to have to be the one who changes it. So be mindful of all the tricks of the trade
that someone may have to drag you back into this familiar interaction and don't get, don't
get seduced back on that dance floor because you do not want that familiar interaction
because it's clearly not working for you. Especially if that interaction is you endlessly
acquiescing to what the other person wants, endlessly just letting your boundary be run
over, you know, that is not satisfying at all. So let's move on to the next one. The next tip is similar to the last one. In that clarity being super, super clear and
concise. If you are super clear and concise, because
here's the thing, especially with boundary bullies and narcissists, so much of the time
they hear what they want to hear, not what you have actually said. So again, clarity, speak plainly and do not
feel like you must convince them. You have a right to draw boundaries. You've got to get really clear about that,
which is why that boundary blueprint that I talked about at the top of this video is
so important because if we were not taught how to do it, and if we were either punished
or actually hurt as a child for drawing boundaries, even though you're grown up now, the child
within you is still terrified of doing it. So as you unravel sort of and reveal those
things that you experienced in your childhood, you will have those, those fears will be much
less powerful than they are now. Unconscious things have a lot of power when
we bring it into the main part of the house, as I like to say, which is your conscious
mind, it loses a lot of its charge and then you're more in control of yourself, not your
five-year-old or your 10 year old self. So let's move into our last two tips around
how to handle boundary bullies, even narcissists. Second to last one is you have to say it,
mean it, and repeat it. So I've been emphasizing clarity and transparency,
but consistency is actually the key. And what I really find with my clients and
even the groups that I run in the courses that I teach is that when you're not used
to drawing boundaries and you draw one, you almost, and then let's say the person does
accept it or whatever, there's a part of you that almost wants to take it back. Now you feel guilty for drawing the boundary
or whatever it is. I need you to be able to tolerate that feeling
and be consistent. Back to the example, consistently, Saturdays
between 9 and 12 are never going to work for me. Pow. Saturdays between 9 and 12 are not good for
me. I know they're good for you because you've
said it many times, but let me be clear and, and so the, if you give in to the boundary
bully who's trying to make you take, have the meeting at Saturday at 10 AM, which means
you're not going to be able to go to your Zumba class if you were me. If you then give in, they know that you have
weak boundaries. They know this. They know that if they work on you long enough,
they will get their way and you are teaching them that when you give in. So I really want to inspire you to be consistently
strong and consistent with the same boundary. So it's not that I'm, I'm saying don't be
flexible in your relationships of course we have to be flexible. Sometimes there actually is an emergency fine,
but that's not what we're talking about. We're talking about everyday boundary bullies,
people who always want their way, who don't care what you want and how you feel about
things, who consistently do things that you ask them not to. Those are boundary bullies, you know, and
narcissists don't even have the capacity to, to take you in and care. It's all about them getting their narcissistic
fix on and getting their needs met. Right? It's really not about you. So that's the second to last one. And the last one is, you know what, as you
guys get healthier and healthier, there comes a point where you really have to think about
cleaning house in your life. And when I say that, I don't mean cleaning
your house. I mean cleaning your inner circle, the people
who you continue to give the privilege of being in your life to, because it is a privilege. Not everyone deserves to have access to your
life, to know what you think, to have, to give you their opinion on things and as you
get healthier and healthier, every level of your evolution, I feel like you have to think
about, wow, do these friendships still work for me? Do I still want to be in this romantic relationship? Should I put more boundaries around my relationship
with my sister if she is a bully, or my mother, if she's a narc, whatever it is. Like there are things that when we're growing
up and we're taught all of this loyalty or whatever it is that you're taught, that it
would be in my twenties I didn't even know that I was allowed to basically break up with
unhealthy girlfriends like relationship, friendships. You know what I mean? I actually didn't, I was so loyal to a fault,
definitely at the expense of myself that I remember I had this relationship with this
person who was so unhealthy when I was younger and she was quite a bit older than me and
whatever. And I remember like there was a lot of drama
in that friendship and I remember calling my mother and I was like, I can't deal with
this. I feel like I'm in a romantic relationship
with this person, but she's just my friend. Like I don't understand. And my mother was like, Terr, you don't have
to be friends with anybody you don't want to be. Do you not want to be friends with that person
anymore? I was like, I don't, she was like call her
up right now and tell her, I was like, really? Can I? And she was like, do it. Come home. You could do it right here. Come home and I will sit next to you while
you call her on it. Cause I was scared. I was like, wait, am I allowed to just break
up with this chick actually? And I did. And from there forward, I was probably 21
years old at that point. It changed my life because I realized that
nobody besides maybe my husband, my kids, my mother, my sisters, right? But they're only guaranteed me. I mean my kids are always guaranteed me, but
anyone else is guaranteed me and my participation in their life, at my discretion. You get it? And this is at your discretion. So I want you to start using some discretion. Take a look at who's in your life. Do you need to have a conversation with people? Or maybe you know in your heart of hearts
that there are some really toxic relationships in your life and you just don't know how to
get out of it. And I'm going to do another video on that,
so I will help you. Don't worry. But I want you to just take an inventory. You don't have to to do anything yet about
cleaning house. But I do want you to think about who's adding
value to my life. Who do I feel used by all the time? Who do I feel like always wants something
from me? Who do I feel like doesn't even know me. And listen, some of that may be you, but we
will talk more about that in the other video. So this is going to conclude, whew, our episode
on how to draw boundaries with boundary bullies and narcissists. I hope you found it helpful you guys. I'm super, super excited to share. There's going to be a link below when you,
when you, uh, download your cheat sheet. There's also a link for the ladies. I'm sorry you guys, it is only for the ladies,
but if you want to find out one of the, if you are one of the six most common unhealthy
boundary styles, I have a whole thing that I've created. I want you to join my free group. It is Boundary Bootcamp Challenge. It will not cost you any money. We're going to be doing the challenge starting
in September the first through the seventh, and you are going to learn so much about how
to communicate your boundaries that you literally uplevel all the relationships in your life
and truly become a boundary ninja. So please click that link and join. It is free. I can't wait to see you there. For the rest of you guys, if you like this,
please share it on your social media channels. If you haven't subscribed yet to this channel,
please do. Because I would love you to subscribe and
be with me all the time. You guys know that if you write me a question
right here, I answer every single question myself. So there's nobody on my team who does it cause
the truth is I'm a therapist and nobody else can. But I want you to know that like, I'm interested
in you. I care about what you think, I care about
how you feel. And my goal in my life is to help you become
the best, healthiest, happiest version of yourself that is humanly possible in this
lifetime. So please click the link, download your cheat
sheet. If you are a lady, please join my Boundary
Bootcamp Challenge. And I hope all of you have an amazing week
and as always, take care of you.
